Time to shop!

Have managed to fit in a fair bit of shopping in the last few days. On Tuesday Laura, James and I went to Habitat to investigate the Sale, and James found the very first item he designed for them, a bathroom rack. It had just come in that morning, just one, and so I bought it straight away! So in my bathroom is one of the first, if not the first chrome bathroom rack off the production line, and I keep taking people up to the bathroom to see it, as my son designed it..... there was an amusing moment as I was buying it, when the assistant at the next till spotted my purchase and says, 'Oh, that's nice, I didn't see that come in, I need a vegetable rack'..I thought James would throw an artistic tantrum, but he took it well, and now jokes about me having a vegetable rack in my bathroom....

I went in to work for an hour yesterday, and also had a quick coffee out with a friend, and a look at the shops, but bought nothing.

Today David made his usual annual shopping trip to the Galleria Outlet Centre to buy suits, shirts, etc for work in the sales. For the past two years I have accompanied as Style Advisor, and last year, avid blog readers may remember, Clive came too and we had a weird threesome in the shops...

This year Clive expressed an interest in going again, but when David arrived to pick him up, he changes his mind, so I went again, and over five hours advised on shoes, shirts, ties and a suit. Just the one this year. I bought a CD, a DVD and a Winnie the Pooh sticker calendar, so I had a great time and have things to play with now.

Of course when David rang this morning to suggest the outing, I was still in bed, given that a snowflake had passed the window, and I thought it dangerous to get up. The TV weather man said so, 'Don't go out.' 'Yes,' said David, 'That applies to Yorkshire, not Hertfordshire.' 'You can't be too careful,' I said, 'bring the Landrover and extras like a shovel, blanket, food and a flask.' 'We are only going to the Galleria,' he said, 'Two miles up the road, and any way, wouldn't it be fun to get stuck in a snow storm?' 'Oh yes,' I said, 'So just bring the blanket, a flask and some chocolate and don't bother about the shovel.'

Needless to say we got home safely. I am sitting in front of a log fire and the Christmas tree, eating chocolate. The mother in law has gone home, as has James - with my car. Clive is upstairs on the computer, so it's just me and the dog. More chocolate then....and time to think what I am going to do with myself in the New Year...more of the same? Or shall I make drastic changes? Place your bets.....

Merry Crimble...

..as John Lennon used to say. I have to blod today or I am in danger of becoming a once-a-week blogger which wouldn't do at all!

Here I am sat in front of a roaring log fire (or would be if it didn't look dangerously like going out.....the logs are slightly charred.....) but the tree lights are on and sparkly and there is a promise of snow outside, so it still feels like Christmas, even if it is officially over...

I am eating chocolate and drinking tea, feeling virtuous cos I have taken Sophie out for a post-Christmas walk in the cold..that's my first outing for three days! Didn't even make it to church Christmas morning, which is a first...best draw a veil over Christmas morning...at least Clive stayed at home with me, realising I needed company and he ought to provide it...that's a first!

James, Laura and Mec were with us for Christmas Day, and it was lovely. We even played Trivial Pursuit!!

What to do for dinner tonight...cold turkey? Turkey risotto? Turkey curry? Turkey soup? Oh, I'll just have another piece of chocolate.......

Where did the week go?

Realised it is a week since I blogged. How did that happen I hear you ask? What have you been doing? Well........ been either very very busy or wrecked and trying to sleep! The last two or three weeks I have been much, much better, emotionally, and have gone from crying all the time and barely able to cope, to my lowest point of thinking, actually I am going to have a complete breakdown now..to sudddenly, overnight almost, being ok and almsot a normal person!

Hence I have been really engaging in work, have been very busy, would lvoe to tell you all about it, but obviously can't! But apart from the normal work I seem to have had an awful lot of meetings with various agencies..... so while that is good and I am functioning well, and am feeling happier, I have gone back to not sleeping quite so well, and could spend all evening asleep!

So although I have logged on and read blogs, and in fatt have had a lot to blog about, I have just felt too tired, and to use an overused phrase..could I be bovvered? No.

So I haven't told you about the moment in bed when the earth moved for me - (and that hasn't happened in along time! Ho ho ho) - yes, the 6am explosion at the Buncefield oil depot. I should have taken pictures from our lounge window, it's not far away and I didn't even know the place existed! Well, it doesn't much now..... all the children in Hemel stayed off school and lay about in their track suits watching TV..no change there then..sorry, that's the kind of jokes going round St Albans.....

Loads more to tell, including the highlight...a tip to see Billy Elliot the musical..but I must get up and have a bath before work, the shower is broken..it slowly died when I was in it on Sunday morning, the water just faded away leaving me soapy and with a head full of conditioner and me pleading with the motor..no, no, just another 30 seconds, please.... I was saying this out loud to the shower and meaning it, so you see why I say I am almost normal........

Re Advent Calendars......

Further to the blog by Liz about advent calendars, I think I had them as a child but no chocolate, and I always bought one for James and Laura and they had to take it in turns to open the windows......why on earth I didn't pay another 50p and buy two to spare the rows, arguing and fighting that went with cries of 'It's not fair, it was my turn, he/she opened it yesterday,' and the tears, I don't know, I obviously thought learning to share was character building (It obviously worked, look at them now, Ed).

When they left home and went to Uni, I used to send them an advent calendar every year, a big one containing chocolate that was a nightmare to post, but it had to be done. I have continued every year.....last year Laura had one that had to be built into a 3D stable, and the chocolates were in the roof, it was bloody massive......

This year I bought three, one for Laura and Mec, one each for James and Hilary, and I found a lovely shop in St Albans that sold tasteful lovely Medici advent calendars that were small cards, with lovely traditional scenes on, just right for posting to now grown up children. I popped them in their envelopes to post, but then met up with Laura for Christmas shopping.

I handed her the small red envelope, and she said, 'Oh, thanks, is this my Christmas card, that's early!' 'No,' I said, 'It's your advent calendar.' The double take she did at the envelope and the short silence that ensued, well she might as well have had a thought bubble over her head which said, 'Oh, no chocolate then.' After a pause she said, 'Oh thank you.'

As she was due to meet up with James, I gave her the other two to deliver. So far, no-one has said thank you. I can only assume an advent calendar without chocolate isn't worth saying thank you for, or Laura thought it wasn't actually worth delivering........

Have a confession to make......

I am sitting in bed with the laptop on my knees! Have got very fond of being in bed recently...I am frequently a little late for work due to a reluctance to get up, and on Saturday morning stayed tucked up til 10am, having cups of tea, reading, doing sudokus which are so wonderfully relaxing and satisfying...as long as they are not too difficult of course.....

Anyway, you may have noticed that all my keys appear to be working, plenty of mmmmmm's abound, and I no longer have a problem. It started when the semi colon/colon key stopped working and I rang Acer and they said I had to send the laptop to them to mend, but it would be gone 10 days...for the past three weeks I have been trying to manage withnout using ; or : as I didn't want to be without for 10 days, but then it started working again on its own, so I thought..wonderful! Then immediately the m key started playing up. I thought maybe Acers just had crap keyboards which died one key at a time....

But when Laura and Mec were round on Sunday, Mec having been called in to help restore our home pc, bless him, everyone ahould have a computer genius in the family, I was giving them lunch as a reward when I remembered that as a Mac Genius in the Apple shop, he must have seen macs with dodgy keyboards, so I told him about mine and wondered what the cure might be...'Mother, he has just spent two hours fixing dad's computer, leave him alone' says Laura (quite right too, the boy is trying to eat his lunch) but fortunately Mec's curiousity gets the better of him and he asks to look at the laptop. He presses the m key and agrees there is a problem. 'Don't worry, please leave it,' I say, 'I'll send it off to Acer.'

Mec asks for a small screwdriver, so I find a little glasses repair kit which contains the tiniest screwdriver in the world. He poked carefully under the key and slowly removed the screwdriver and held it up.... it looked suspiciously like a small piece of chocolate..Laura and Mec looked at me accusingly and Laura said sternly, 'Mother, stop eating chocolate while you are working on your laptop, what are you like!' and I turned into sulky, embarrassed child trying to justify messy eating habits.......

After they had gone, I thought, surely a tiny piece of chocolate would melt when the laptop gets warm, and wouldn't resist a key being depressed..so I looked closely at the tiny offending item...it was like a small brown flake. I pressed it with my fingernail. It broke in two. Then I realised what it was...really.....a tiny piece of the shell of an M & M........

Isn't technology amazing....

I know we take it for granted, and it irritates the hell out of us when it won't work, or is slow..like takes 3 seconds to connect... but think about it. I remember seeing TV programes about computers years ago, and e xperts saying soon coputers will be small, not room sized, and every hoe will have one....why? I thought. Why would every hoe want a computer? What wojuld we do with one?

Now here I am, just a few years later, sitting up warm and comfy in bed, with my lap top on my knees, happily e-mailing the world (or friends in far away places) and reading and writing blogs, connecting with the big wide world without leaving my bed. Next to me is my little mobile phone, sending and receiving texts to all and sundry ( or it would if sundry ever texted me) and I can chat to people while they are on trains, at work, at home, or in strange hotels miles away late at night.

I know there are downsides to this constant communication and I am sad and think I have no friends if an hour goes by without receiving a text, but really, I love it...the only problem is with e-mailing and texting and blogging..I've just realized I haven't actually spoken to anyone in days. Oh, sob.....

My secretary has had a couple of days off as her mum was taken to hospital and her dad was at home alone insisting he could manage, but not really..sounds familiar? She has taken her mum home from hospital now and back worrying and wondering how they will manage.... and my good friend R whose parents live on Ibiza, worries about her dad who has been in a care home for a year now, since he was too unwell for her mum to care for him, she has been preparing herself all year for the call to say he has died....well yesterday at work she got a call to say her mum has died, which was not expected and such a shock. I hope I can be the strength, comfort and rock for others as they have been to me.

Bored now.....

..with not having the coputer at hoe. And this lap top having a duff m key. Which soeimes works and soetimes doesn't. hey ho. Clive took out coputer in to be ended by his coputer genius only he is unreliable and hasn't shown up. So I haven't received any home e-mails for a week now. very boring. So ring e if you need e!

Went to see Harry Potter on Friday night..you know, husbnad says: Would you like to go to the cinema? Me Yes, what fils are on? Husband, Harry Potter 8.30p. Oh, that'll be what I want to see then. It was good. I enjoyed it. Only long, so I did sleep a bit during some of the long goodies v baddies bits...zzzzzzzzzzzzz..lovely.

Sunday..well don't faint but I went to church! Only the second time since the Festival. It was ok, I didn't get upset and I sang too. A breakthrough. Might go again one day..sermon was about being at peace..knowing God's peace rather than peace the world gives, so quite apt really.

Was at a conference all day Monday, and Rosemarie and I planned shopping, eating and the cinema at the end of the day. We got tickets to see rs Henderson Presents. All was going well...we started with a cup of tea while we caught up, and I was feeling happy and talkative, so I chatted on, and by the end of the tea break Rosemarie had a migraine coing on and had to go hoe. Was sick as soon as she got home, so it was the right decision. I wandered about and did a bit of shopping, then got our oney back on the tickets (thank you, nice cinema man) and I went hoe. I must learn not to talk so much and make people ill......

Good days and bad days.....

Tuesday was a Bad Day. Wednesday was OK. Woke up feeling desperate on Thursday. Felt ill, really bad...made it into work, late again. But the shopping with Laura was good, we had a fun evening and even achieved soe Christas shopping. Woke up Friday feeling better, more together, and was fairly productive at work. Counselling was good, I talked for an hour and didn't cry at all! Felt I a getting somewhere processing feelings and emotions, although felt altogther over the last week I have not been coping. Decided not to increase anti-depressants, counsellor agreed with e.

However, we did discusss the dreaded enapause, is it that which is making me such a physical and eotional wreck? Should I give HRT a try? I know, I know, no-one wants to talk about it, everyone is too young to want to think about it, but for an over 50 like me....I have to. If I am getting in to this territory, then at least I would know I am not just going mad!! So it might be back to the doctor...

After counselling I have tea with a friend and for a change I do the listening and therapy. I feel together and OK, and am glad to be a sounding board. After which Clive and I go and see Harry Potter and of course, insoniac that I am, I fall asleep befoe the end.

Today I went into St Albans with DC, we had breakfast out and did lots of Christmas shopping and laughed a lot at tacky, battery driven Christmas toys, don't laugh...one may be heading your way..yes we bought some... had to walk away in one shop when I realised David had istaken custoers for shop assistants, and was about to acost them and ask the questions...rather than let him know his istake, I walked away giggling. I heard 'Oh, sorry, I didn't realise you were customers,' and he followed me, looking slightly ebarrassed. When he realised I knew, he called e a rude name.

We had fun, I did ore shopping, we didn't argue and I didn't get upset. Just a lovely, noral day. Thank you God.

Nearly time....

...to go Christmas shopping! With my lovely daughter, Laura, we are having a girl's shopping night....

Having to write this on y lap-top which is playing up and won't do sei-colons ; oh it just did, or ms which it also just did then but not before but ostly (see what I ean?) wont'. So sorry about the lack of s. see? didn;t do one. ystery. ust i send my laptop away for repair? I'll iss it.

Anyway have to use lap-top cos Clive has taken our coputer into work to get it 'seen to'. If only he would leave it alone....

Went back to the doctor yeaterday. having a bad, bad tie. He suggested I double the dose of anti-depressants but I don't want to cos of the side effects. I told hi y astha was playing up - George lent e her inhaler in Yorkshire..so he prescribed one for me and also gave e a flu jab. Bonus!

Any advice on my non functioning m button - oh it worked - would be very gratefully received. I a so easily pleased! (When I' not crying of course...)

Another brilliant weekend.....

Who would have thought it possible? Two weekends in a row... just as I thought it had all gone horribly wrong..having had such a good time in Yorkshire with my good friends....of course I had had a few weeks looking forward to it, planning it, organising it..doing it..then..yes, then came the inevitable downer, suddenly, nothing to do, no e-mails to write, no quiz to work on, by Friday I was a sad, sad, person, and spent my bereavement counselling hour just sobbing........

So the prospect of a weekend in Liverpool was not good, I was not in the mood, but I had promised Hilary to take her to her uncle's, and James was going to stay with me at my cousin's. Too late to back out.

James drove there while I slept mostly..dropped Hil off at her Uncle's house opposite Liverpool John Lennon airport at Speke, and headed off to my cousin's through vaguely familiar childhood territory.

I really don't know my cousin Johnny, or his wife Jean, that well. I met him once during my growing up years. We have met several times in the last five or so years...he is the son of my father's eldest brother, Max, who died in the war when Johnny was 6 months old. His mum was my mad Aunty Terry. When have I met Johnny recently? At Uncle Bill's funeral (my dad's younger brother) then my Auntie Sue's funeral (dad's younger sister) Aunty Terry's funeral, then cousin Tobie's wedding (hurrah, a happy occcasion!) then my mum's funeral, then my dad's funeral. I know, Five funerals and a wedding!

I have also seen them a couple of times in Bristol when they kindly called in to see my parents. They have asked me to go and stay so many times. So I did. And I had the most lovely weekend. Very relaxing, really looked after, fed well, chauffeur driven round Liverpool to old haunts, my old home, schools etc etc, and then spent Saturday evening, after a good meal, curled up in front of a log fire watching dvd's..first the film of Phantom of the Opera which I've never seen....I nearly had a heart attack when the msic started! Johnny has surround sound, five speakers and a woofer! As they live in a huge detached house he has the volume up to ear bursting levels..and it;s f****ing brilliant. After Phantom we watched Michael Flatley's Feet of Flames, recorded live in Hyde Park, not everyone's taste but the dancing is superb, and the music, again, amazing, I'll never go back to an ordinary stereo!

And the best bit..while he was looking through the dvds, I spy Fairport Convention..oh I say, I lvoe them. Oh says Johnny, do you like folk? Do I? Do you? Oh, yes, he says, my favourite band is Show of Hands. What?????

Next thing it is 2am and James and Jean have gone to bed and Johnny and I are watching Fairport in concert..I have never heard them sound so good! Then various folk CDs go on..in the car next day it is Ralph Mctell, and after lunch Show of Hands in concert at the Albert Hall. I think I maybe a little deaf today. All these years, and it turns out we have been missing each other at folk festivals!!!!! Will I go again? You bet I will!!!!

Oh, how we laughed......

..yes, the Nov Ops weekend - together with programming and the office staff - including the lovely Laura - was very good, lots of discussion, lots of listening and sharing, lots of silliness and much laughter. In fact I only cried once and that was just a tiny bit so doesn't really count. I love that community, the time spent with Good Friends, and the fact that when the joke was on me - as it was once or twice! - my caring friends checked out to make sure I was ok about it and not upset. That was very sweet - but I loved every minute of it, so don't worry!

I loved the planning, the evenings with David working on the pub quiz..oh how we laughed........ the journey to Yorkshire, via Toys are Us in Luton., buying up the shop with little presents and toys for our friends..trying to get to Dalesbridge early to lable all the doors, put the presents and sweets on the pillows, and then light the log fire and have the tea made before anyone arrived...failed slightly but it didn't matter...

LIz has blogged well about the weekend and really summed it up....there were so many stories...me and David trying to cook breakfast on the Monday morning for 7 people, and David wanting to do it his way which meant it took about two hours and two sittings..his determination to make Doggit and Maria a fresh pot of coffee although he had nothing to make it in....while we were arguing in the kitchen over how to cook the sausages, Liz said, if you two were married, it would end in divorce, but on the grounds of whose unreasonable behaviour???

It got worse...the 'hour's' joutney to Edale to look at another possible centre for next year..... me and Maria chose the route. daid tried to look a the map and choose another way, but I said, bugger off, we have decided, just shut up and drive and leave it to me....... almost three hours later, when we have literally driven up hill and down dale, and headed south and west, then I decide we can't access the Edale valley from this direction, there is only one way, so although we hav been following signs in the Manchester direction, suddenly I get him to follow signs to Sheffield, it's just this little road on the map......the atmosphere is getting slightly frosty in the car - and very frosty outside..maria texts from the car behind..'It's very beautiful this way'. My point entirely. When I say, 'this is the scenic route, isn't the scenery lovely,' once too often...... Doggit and Maria are treated to the sight of David stopping very suddenly on the top of Snake Pass and get out of the car. I get out too, and seeing David heading for me, throw the map over a dry stone wall and start running..down hill and can't stop...David catches up with me and the momentum nearly takes us into a boggy ditch.. I am shreiking for him to stop before we fall over, and am laughing so much I have no control.

'Why the f*** did you come this way?' asks Doggit. I laugh more and David says, 'Don't make her laugh, she'll wet herself.' Actually it is too late for that, and I am made to sit on a towel the rest of the way home. And I am not allowed to drive. We visit Edale for an hour, and meet the lovely priest in charge, Adrian, who has waited over two hours for us.

We eventually arrive in St Albans at 8pm, having had no lunch and no tea, cos I had been very naughty and made us late. But was it worth it? Every minute.

Help help help!

Busy! Stressed! Feel I may kill someone. So many spots. Lank hair. Strange hormonal activity. Bursting into tears. Need to finish funding application. The agenda for the weekend. Washing. Ironing. Packing. Need to sleep. So much going on at work I don't know where to start..... it's Thursday tomorrow and my car is still full of stuff from Bristol..I've washed my mum's bedding, I'm surrounded by her stuff and I have to not think about it...

And do you know, some people who are away on holiday in the sun, lounging around by swimming pools, have the cheek to blog and text about it...no consideration for others. No doubt they'll be posting holiday pics soon. Ttch.

Anyway, I am ready for bed. I have three days off work. I am going away. I will see friends. I will behave badly. Hopefully. I will laugh. I will eat. I will Have a Good Time. I will tell you all about it when I get back! There, I think the stress and threat of violence is lifting....good night.......

Sorry, sorry, sorry....

Just realised it's Tuesday and I haven't blogged since Friday!! Sorry! Whatever have I been doing??? Worked Friday, then bereavement counselling in the afternoon, followed by tea and cake out with a friend...far better than going back to work, my counsellor insists on it....

Then into town on Saturday morning, breakfast out with same friend..quite lovely, only downside being I paid both times because of a slight wallet problem.....discovered the French Market in town again. Hurrah! The sun was shining, it was a lovely Saturday morning, the ambience was tres beau, and I practised my best French when buying vegetables, fresh baked baguettes and croissants, honey covered roast peanuts which I am eating as I type....and then..there was the handbag stall. Oh, it has the most wonderful handbags...I already have two from previous visits, and I bought my lovely black leather work brief case there last time the market came to town - Italian leather and soooooooo reasonable....

While small person with wallet problems was away finding a cash machine I happened upon a loveyl shiny black leather handbag, just right for the winter. When the nice lady saw my current brown handbag, and realised it was one of hers, she was so pleased she offered me discount. Lovely assistant arrived with wallet just in time, and as the lady obviously expected him to pay for the hand bag, he did, so as not to look mean. How generous.......

Wallet person quite spoiled the shopping trip by then buying large quantities of various garlicky salamis, olives and three kinds of smelly cheese. All of which I loathe with a passion. (Oh no, he plans to take some away a the weekend.....)

Saturday night, James, Laura and I jump into Clive's white van - well the company van anyway - and head to Bristol for a very last sleepover at The House. We have a jolly journey, but arrive in Bristol late on what feels like, and is, the coldest night of the year so far. I offer to go in and put lights and heating on, to make it more welcoming, then we head for the nearest little Indian restaarant for a litle something. Very nice it is too.

Back at the house we sit in the lounge with the heating on full, and the gas fire on, and put the TV on in an effort to be cosy and jolly. We watch TV and all fall asleep as the room is so warm....

At 12.30am I open my eyes and suggest we all ought to go up to bed. James and Laura opt to sleep in the twin beds in the front room they always slept in as children, and I go in my mum's bed. Unfortunately, the kitchen celing has leaked with the recent rain, so there is a huge lake on the kitchen floor, and the house feels damp - and I forgot to check that the radiators were on upstairs. they were not, and the bedrooms were like bloody freezers, and the beds felt cold and damp. James sat huddled against a radiator (once I put it on!) on the end of Laura's bed, and she put a fleece and socks on to get into bed. She is shivering so much she gets the giggles, and while I am in the bathroom, I hear James call out from his bed, 'Mum, it's not fair, her bed's next to the radiator and she's got her feet on it, and I'm freezing and I need my socks......' I kindly go into the bedroom to find James his socks, and he sticks his size 11 feet out for me to put them on. There is a limit to my maternal devotion, I say, handing him the socks. The sounds of James perishing from hyperthermia just makes Laura giggle more, and I can hear her teeth chattering...it's the last night in my parent's house, and we are all laughing. How I love my children.

Third time lucky.....

This is the third time I have tried to post this blog, once blogger crashed on me, then the whole pc seized up, so here goes. In response to Caroline's blog on whether she worries about herself enough...I came out of work on Weds evening (and it was dark, may i say in my defence) and looked down the road to find my car. Where did I park it this morning? Have I been out to do any visits, and therefore have I moved it? I walk to the silver Golf I often try and get into, and then realise it's not mine. (Mine being a Polo for a start.) I carry on down the road, to the bottom, and no, my car is not there. Oh I remember now, there were no spaces this morning, I parked in the next street. So I continue down the hill to the bottom, cross the road and pass the gorgeous exotic rug shop, and turn up the next street...which is empty. Not a car to be seen.

Pause. Think. Oh it might have been yesterday I parked here. So where is it? I turn and walk back past the rug shop and back up my street, which is quite a steep hill, and I am talking to myself as I go past all the cars......no, not mine, can't think where I parked it, no it's not here, has it been stolen? All the way to the top now, and no....(puffing abit now) ...except what is parked right outside the office door? And I mean right outside..yes, my car. Am I losing the plot? As Caroline says, I should worry about myself a lot more..unless, of course, you want to do it for me......

A bizarre evening...

I forgot to mention it! Last week I went out with Rosemarie - we had the usual pasta first, then bought coffee and sweets at the cinema, and settled down to watch first, the adverts, then the trailers, then, as the film was about to start, the screen went black, the lights came on and a disembodied voice announced..'Ladies and gentleman, due to circumstances beyond our control....' and I was up and out my seat ready to go, recognising an evacuation when I see one. 'How did you know?' said Rosemarie. 'You are so calm.' 'Happens all the time' I said, 'Either at GB or the theatre, don't panic.'

We joind the masses exiting the complex, cinema, restaurants and shops, and all stood around wondering what was happening. I spotted a lake of water moving across the MacDonalds floor, and guessed the Incident was in there. Suddnely we heard fire engines, and three sets of lights coming into the car park, and I realised that the fire engines would arrive just where all the people were standing about! A few self conscious student types working at the cinema were given yellow jackets, and stood about half heartedly asking epople to move but we just ignored them. It was more exciting to stand in the way of the firemen in breathing apparatus, between the road and the restaurant. One student had 'Manager' on the back of her yellow jacket, and she even had a loud hailer, but didn't attempt to use it.

No announcements were made, no attempt to move people out the way, and no-one said that the cinema would not reopen, a fact I deduced after watching the yellow jackets giving out free cinema tickets to people. It was calm, peaceful and yet chaotic. 'Oh if only I had a yellow jacket' I said to Rosemarie, 'I could have this crowd moved in an instant.'

Just imagine if a certain David had been at the cinema with me...do you think I could have restrained him from getting involved?

As it was we collected our free tickets and went back a few nights later and saw Nanny McPhee. Highly entertaining . And Colin Firth is always worth watching......

I hate the hurting....

...you feel so helpless, don't you? I haven't had the feeling for a while, I'd forgotten how horrible it is. Like I used to hurt when my mum was anxious, ill and unhappy, I hurt so much for her, and my dad when he was so ill and alone.

Before that I have hurt for my children..when relationships went wrong, or they were unhappy at Uni, I was always the one they would talk to. But I always felt so helpless...... Strange that recently, everyone around me, close to me, has been happy, their lives sorted, nothing for me to worry about..and yet I have been so depressed!!!! Now things are not going well for James, he is hurting so much, and I am there for him to talk to, but actually can't do anything..I have to watch and hear his hurting and sadness....and I hate it. It's like a pain inside, and I realise how good it has been in recent months because both my children were happy.

Life is so complicated...I wish it could be easy. But it isn't. Sometimes it hurts like hell.

Sally needs....

..to get a life, obviously! Or I wouldn't have been sucked into this game. I have done all the usual Sunday things (except go to church, but I had a bit of a cough, listen, hack hack, and I think a bit of a temperature...) so I stayed home and cooked roast dinner for Clive and his mother, and made and iced a chocolate cake for Laura's birthday tea. It was so professional, Laa and Mec thought I'd bought it!

Now I am alone as Clive is up in the office on the computer working, as ever, night after night..Friday I was so fed up I went out and bought masses of chocolate..a bit of a shame as I had actually lost weight this week....

Anyway, here I am in the lounge with my trusty lap-top and I couldn't resist taking the challenge set by K and C... so into google and Sally needs......

Sally needs to consider technical expertise..(how true) ..above all, Sally needs to sift down her 'long options' list. (right, I'll give it a go.....)

Sally needs new shoes. YES!

Sally needs to decide how quickly she wants to get her hands on the money. (Sally would like now please, any money, I'm ready...)

Sally needs a reality check. Well, obviously.

Sally needs to get on and take her test this year. (Which test? I'll need to revise.)

Sally needs only the surname as the records are in the database. (I think we could all work that one out, given time...)

Sally needs the money from you before the order is placed. Absolutely. Every time.

To return to the human world, Sally needs to find her magic silver locket. It has been stolen by Quintis Quigley and his partner. (Quick, boys and girls, help find it cos we need Sally to return to the human world...don't we?)

Sally needs an operation to release the build up of blood in her head. (Euegh. Nasty. But it would probably help....)

Oh dear, if only they would bring back Monarch of the Glen. At least it kept me out of trouble on a Sunday evening!

I have tried.....

Really I have. After Liz's helpful comments re the doodle box thing, i did another one, and followed all her instructions, but nothing worked, so i just pressed all sorts of buttons in ever increasing frustration, until something came up and offered to save something, so I saved it to my piccies' folder, then tried to upload it on to my blog. But..sadly, only error messages. So it's not for lack of trying. And it was such a good doodle!

Am still very tired or not sleeping properly, so habe to admit, sometimes can't be bovvered to blog, which is not a good state I know. But went to a conference yesterday, on Important Things I Ought to Know About and slept like a baby through the fifrst 40 min keynote presentation..ooops....I wish i could bring the speaker home to bed with me.....if he just talked for a bit I'd be right off!

Clive has installed a new keyboard which is high up with a wrist support and all the keys are curved and different sizes..I can't ue the wrist spport it hutst and my wrists don;t like the height and the new angles..to be honest I would hab thought it was the kind of keyboard you'd buy a disabled person to support thwir hands..and if you thought my typing was bad before, I keep getting the wrong keys because of the curves and strange ky sizes. see, I havbe to stop now cos my hands and wrists are hurting.

Hello! Anyone out there?

I feel very alone...apart from, I think, one exception, (thank you K!) no one has blogged for days and days and days...no comments on my blog......just endless silence. I suppose you are all out there living your lives! Oh well, I'll just be patient for someone to return to the fold....

It's been a strange few days. I hung on all week until my bereavement counselling on Friday...what a session that was! A quiet weekend, been doing a lot of thinking, and dealing with stuff, in my head, but also caught up with James and Laura and partners which was lovely.

Did a lovely autumnal dog walk through woods with Peter, Jacky and doglets, and have started to sleep just a bit better...

Well, better get ready for work..here's to a better week!

And while I'm ahead....

..While the whole blogger pic thing is working, I thought I would add a photo taken by Laura last year, when she was on her photography course. This is a pic of Sophie dog, sorry she's not smiling, but sitting still for a photo is a serious business...

Cool and trendy.....

...Yes, cool and trendy, that's me. It's time to 'come out' and challenge those of you who blog about going to gigs, complete with pics, to hear 'new' bands which, let's be honest, the rest of us have never heard of. It's only done to impress.

I, however, have access to the real cool dudes, the real professionals working in this country today. I was honoured last night, to work as tech support for Brendan Shine and his ceilidh band...Brendan has been around a while, but talent stands the test of time. He was playing (and I quote from the programme here,) 'some of the best of his 35 international hit singles'. How many bands can boast that, hey?

I have to confess I hadn't heard of his most famous song, his greatest hit, which he sang to end the gig, to raptuous applause, 'Do you want your auld lobby washed down?' Due to a technical hitch with a couple of lamps on the front of house bar (not focused or angled correctly, they cut off the top of Brendan's head, not my doing) I was required to perform emergency follow-spot cover, and so enjoyed the gig from out front. You would be trendies, eat your hearts out.

Getting there....

Spent last night going through paperwork and crying quite a lot, just cos, and Clive wisely let me get on with it and just cooked dinner! I sat down to eat, and sniffed a lot, then settled down to watch Love Soup to take my mind off things....did you catch the scene when she went to her parents' grave and thought about their not exisiting anymore, and wondering how to cope?? I just did a sharp intake of breath and thought, I don't believe this, how close to home is this, can I take it? When the voice came from the other gravestone and there was this hologram of the girl playing the organ and singing...what genius, how that writer turns situations around!!!! Alright, so I can gues some of the plot set-ups, but they are fun anway.....

Managed work this morning after another bad night - even did a staff member's annual appraisal! But then have taken the afternoon off, to be kind to myself, and have been going through house papers, solicitors' letters, phoning card companies, the water board, the ground rent people.....filling in probate forms..it has to be done, and I need space and time to do it. My brother is doing stuff too, don't be alarmed! But the house sale stuff seems to be coming here.

A friend is coming round for a cup of tea and promising to bring something creamy and delicious in half an hour or so (or more!!) so that is something to look forward to. I keep trying to post more photos, but when I click on the pic that says 'Add image,' nothing happnes! Same with spell check symbol. Any clues, you clever geeks out there?????

And I was doing so well........

It was too good to be true! I've been happy since I came back from Greece..strangely emotionally stable! No tears, so sadness, in fact no feelings at all really, but living in the present and getting on with life and my job.

Friday was good, I helped to organise a big event that came together and was a good day - can't say too much on account of not being able to blog about work!

I had cut down the anti-depressants from one a day to one every other day, as I was doing so well, I thought I'd try it, and I also hoped it would help me sleep. But my mood lowered over the days, gradually at first, but it was still ok and I was doing fine.

But then came a weekend at my parents' house in Bristol, and the first time I have stayed there overnight on my own - with my lovely Sophie dog of course!! But the house is getting emptier and so quiet, and I had the house clearance guy in to discuss taking away all the furniture etc..I knew I felt sad but was dealing with it.

But I really missed my dad so much...was aware of his room being empty, and spent a lot of time in the quiet, sad, empty house. I really missed him..I guess I was used to mum not being there...I was glad when I left. I thought I was ok until trying to do a day's work yesterday, managed ok but was increasingly falling apart inside and I didn't know what to do or who to turn to..... came home early I went to sleep on the sofa.

Am trying to deal with the paperwork, the house sale, and tonight I have come home to all the probate forms from the solicitor..and it is all there in black and white...that he is dead...and suddenly the sadness and pain is too much.

I have fallen out with a dear friend through the stress, and that has made today even harder. I texted sorry, and now as I type he has texted sorry too, and I know he forgives me and that has finally let the tears flow, dripping all over the keyboard!

I know I will have times of pain. I will get through it. I have upped my pills to one a day again, too soon to cut back! I will be happier again. But in the spirit of ongoing honesty in my blog, I share my pain with you more openly than the people around me. How stupid is that!

I have bereavement counselling on Friday. Soon the house will be sold, another chapter closed and I won't have to go there again. Time to go downstairs and cook dinner, and stop trying to hide my feelings and pretend I'm ok. I'm not. For now. But I will be.

Too busy to blog...

or possibly too tired, it's one or the other at the moment! I am either full on busy or collapsed on the sofa, half comatose or asleep before dragging myself up to bed where of course I can't sleep on account of the tablets. But being on anti-depressants at least man one is awake and happy rather than awake and miserable! But being too tired even to blog is a bit sad. I don't know what excuse some of you have out there for not blogging for ages and ages...shame on you!

The reason I am blogging now is that I have just arrived at my parents' house to do some more sorting and clearing prior to selling..I have had a cup of tea and looked through the post..now blogging seems a good idea...avoidance or what!

Anyway, why are the counterfeit Stones on my blog? Cos I did follow-spot on them at the theatre, and the place was packed, and just rocked..it was like a party..they are a good tribute band, so if you like the Stones and would like a good night out, go and see them at a place near you! And talking to them backstage, I can confirm that they are also Very Nice People.

Also, I have been out with Rosemarie this week to see the film Kinky Boots. We enjoyed it, worth a night out, some laughs, and some obvious but thought provoking stuff re prejudice and stereo-types. I can't possibly remember or spell his name, but the guy who plays the drag queen is stunning!! His performance should get an Oscar.

I ought to do something productive, but I warn you I will blog again this weekend in order to stay vaguely sane! We have a buyer for the house, so not many more weekends here. Which is both good and bad, sad and happy.....

Busy busy busy.....

Can't believe the last couple of days...

Saturday..Up and out into town with DC who is celebrating walking by having coffee out and walking without a stick..home for lunch...back to the office to pack car with saleable things for car boot sale...lots of ironing..TV bed....wish i could sleep...

Sunday..up ay 6.30am in pitch dark to get ready for car boot sale...must be mad..set off at 7.30 with car full of stuff, dog and flask of coffee as it is getting light..Jill and I arrive to find the whole playground full of stalls and we are the last there and barely squeeze on..they must all have come in the dark..they are mad...

Take my tables out of the boot and put them up..turn round to find several dealers with their heads in my car unwrapping my stuff and examining it..'Excuse me' I say, 'Could I unpack it before you look at it?' They are hard and unflinching and don't move. 'How much are these love?' says one dealer brandishing two of my mum's dishes. 'I don't know' I say and carry on trying to push them aside and unpack, unsure if I can do this..eventually order is restored, Jill and I do a morning's business, haggle over prices, chat to people, have people make a fuss of our dogs, eat bacon sarnies and drink coffee in the warm sunshine, and generally enjoy the madness of a car boot sale..of all my nice stuff to sell, I get two offers for my flask of coffee...

Go back home and back to Jill's for lunch in her garden. Laura rings and asks me to go shopping with her. So I eat lunch, then take my leave - shopping calls! - and pass a pleasant hour helping Lura choose shoes - and paying for them! - my pleasure - when DC rings to see if I want a dog walk - his first in about six months! So we head home and I catch up with friend Peter and Clive and his mother who have all been to the circus..don't ask...

Then escape to the Wick and spend a happy hour, still in the sun, walking round and round, and I throw the ball for DCs dog, to save him doing all the bending down and throwing. My lack of power amuses him, as I try to hurl ball on a rope as far as I can..which isn't far at all..when I try a new throwing the discus technique I cannot guarantee direction of flight, so nearly take David's head off a couple of times. Decide to head home when light starts fading..then discover my mobile phone is no longer in my pocket.

Take the dog home, who is limping and cannot walk further, and Clive offers to come with me, also friend Mark, so we head back and search acres of field as darkness falls, with only one torch between us, and no-one has bought a phone so we can ring mine...... we search for an hour til it is so dark we cannot see each other, and give up and go home.

Pick up message on answer phone from lovely teenage boy who says he has found my phone..or rather his dog has...so go round to his house and thank them all profusely and give them a bottle of wine..go home with precious phone, and realise it is 7.30pm and I haven't actually stopped since I got out of bed at 6.30am...thankfully Clive is cooking dinner when I get back, which I eat, then fall fast asleep. Sleep til 10pm then decide to crawl into bed. Sleep more until 2am then wake...wish I could sleep................

Sorry, can't talk about it....

..work, that is. Apart from saying that it is going really well, once again I am focused on it, enjoying it, really busy and not enough hours in the day, don't know how I managed without Nikki..and so much to tell you..but I can't, cos I'm not allowed to.

I went to the doctor Friday, had all the results of my heart and blood tests and he confirmed I am 'A' ok, nothing wrong with me (if the nurse did it right..see earlier blog...) Would it surprise you if I told you in the 'it could only happen to me' mould, while I am discussing my state of mind, and how I am doing on the tablets..the doctor takes not one, but two calls on his mobile phone????? I think this is unprofessional, unacceptable, etc etc, can't believe it, but when he puts the phone down and says, 'Sorry about that..where were we...' I say, 'That's ok.'..... who teaches assertiveness???

My bereavement counsellor is amazed at the difference in me. The doctor is. Everyone who sees me is amazed to hear me laughing, and they look at me and say, 'You look better'. No-one has yet beaten DC's comment of 'You don't look as haggard as before...' out of the mouths of babes......

I hope it's not just the pills. I hope it lasts. It's good to feel normal for a while..and yes, even emotionally stable!! I'd better go back to the doctor next week to see if he's exchanged contracts on his house. He did seem rather stressed.....

Me and the cats....

Yiannis, the nice man who owned the little hillside cottages on Samos (converted peasant hovels really) owned all these lovely little cats and kittens, and they used to scamper about the terrace in the mornings, waiting for us to get up. Of course I made friends with them immediately, and they would come back in the evenings and play, and chase olives and leaves. We would bring little titbits of fish back from our evening meal at the taverna, which of course, made us very popular...

A pleasant olive grove......

Pictures of Greece....

..or, rather, pictures of Samos and Ikaria to be more precise. I did promise them. Clive has now downloaded them. I will endeavour to post some - it's a while since I did it, so it could take some time...talk amongst yourselves......

Strange times we live in....

It's so unreal. My Saturday was fairly typical...Clive went to work, I stayed in bed..I read, then got up and went doggie walking with Jill..headed home, put some washing on, went to Laura's to feed the cat, walked into town to do some shopping...and while I was out, an earthquake in Pakistan killed upwards of 30,000 people. And it has hardly made a blip on my radar. I watch the images on the news, I can barely take it in. I cannot imagine what it must be like to live out there. Like the Tsunami, such catastrophic destruction, loss of life..and yet sometimes I struggle to feel anything. 30,00 people killed. Yet if I knew, personally knew just one, the pain would be so much more real. Like in the Tsunami, when I lost friends. Real people from St Albans died.

My mum and dad died. Just two people. But the effect on my life is huge. But when you don't know people, death isn't so painful. Yet they are still people..someone's mother, or brother, or father or son. Other human beings dying should still hurt. I watch the images on TV, make myself watch so they are real people, not just statistics.There but for the grace of God....

It's not as if I don't care, and would like to help. But isn't life weird, isn't feeling, or lack of it, weird. Whatever else happens to anyone else in the world, all I cared about on Saturday evening, with my eyes fixed on the Arrivals doors in Terminal 3, was to see Laura and Mec walk back through, safe from their holiday in Thailand. I know it's human nature...but I felt guilty for feeling that way. And oh so grateful.

Last week continued....

The previous Sunday, our minister's wife, Julia, asked me if I would like to go to the cinema with her. I said yes, and we decided on Pride and Prejudice. We also decided on a bite to eat first, so we could chat - we don't really know each other that well. Graham and Julia have been at the church for almost two years, a time when I have been largely absent for Bristol reasons! And when I was around I was too stressed or upset to be much company!

So we had a pleasant evening, a pizza followed by the film. I felt very relaxed as I setttled in my seat, and thought, how peaceful not to have to worry about following the plot, or understanding the film! In common with many others, I've read the book, seen the TV series, and so could just realx and enjoy the interpretation. I have to say it wasn't bad, and I enjoyed it, and although I don't fancy Matthew McFadden as much as Colin Firth in the role, when he came striding out of the morning mist in his night shirt, and long coat tails flying...well it worked for me! As for Keira Knightley, she is much too young, slim and photogenic. I hate her. And as for Donald Sutherland's accent...sorry, nothing against him, but could we not find a British actor good enough?

Thursday night I was Duty Tech at the theatre for an amateur performance of Pygmalion. basically the company run it all, I just babysit. And deal with any crises.....in theory. I decided not to watch the show, but settle in the Tech office with a cup of tea, a chicken sandwich and my book - yes I am reading again! I just put my feet up on the desk and reached for my tea, when I got a call to go to the stage. That can only mean trouble.... turns out the show relay wasn't working in the dressing rooms...I tweaked a few knobs and nothing happened. It was working last night they said. I went to ask Alex on sound to give me a clue....he told me to change the battery in the mike picking up the sound. So I found a new battery, took out the old one, fitted it, replaced the mike and went back to the dressing rooms...nothing. I saw Stuart, one of our tech crew who was in the show. Did you check the mike was actually turned on he asked? No....but I did, and it wasn't...as Simon my Tech manager would say, it was just 'a switching problem.' Cast in the dressing rooms happy, Sally back to her tea and sandwich and good book. I'm not called a Duty technician for nothing.....

What Sally did next.....

What did I do next, after my adventures in Cambridge? Well, I went back into the office on Friday, and was invited out to lunch with my two best sick friends, David C, off work with a bad back (still) and Dave Sh, off work with his kidney condition, well, they picked me up and whisked me to the waffle house, where over milk shakes and waffles I told them of my Cambridge adventures (see blogs below) and it had the desired effect - general merriment. It's the way I tell them.. I do believe in helping the sick. Laughter is a great healer. They dropped me off for my bereavement counselling session. I walked back - in the rain - of course I wouldn't have got wet if I hadn't left my umbrella in David's car....

No wonder I am getting fatter by the minute - after the waffles, that evening Clive and I went out for an Indian with Jacky and Peter. It was lovely, but I was so full......

Saturday night - no peace for the wicked - I worked at the theatre, doing follow-spot for a Country Legends Tribute Night. I tell you, it was a sell out, the grey brigade were in, and they loved it and joined in with all the songs. I stood with my follow spot for two hours and tried to pay attention - I enjoy most shows and most music, but this one just lacked something. Though I do admit to having a little dance and joining in with 'My achy, breaky heart'. I have to be careful when I dance otherwise the follow-spot wobbles. And if I lose concentration for a second, I look up to find the singer has moved and I am lighting up empty stage..so unprofessional....

By the time the show has finished, and we have packed up, put away mikes and mike stands, lights, coiled miles of cable, taken down speakers, staging, loaded everything into flight cases, lifted everything off the stage and loaded it into the van, when it's cold and rainy, and we don't finish til midnight and I am dog tired, by knees ache, my back hurts and I just want my bed, I do wonder why I am still doing this for £5 an hour?? Still, it gets me out on a Saturday night....

I did other exciting things last week. But it's bed time now, I'll tell you more tomorrow......sleep well.

The adventure continued.....

Sorry for the delay..I am either out or asleep at the moment! Except now when I am both in and awake, so here I am.....

So Nikki and I get there, late, the car park is full so we end up driving around and eventually park miles away behind sheds and the greenhouse and compost heap and hope we are not in anyone's way. We have to leave our bags in the car til lunchtime, but I manage to grab my key on the way in, and note that Nikki's room is next to mine. We also grab a coffee and biscuit (hooray!) and make it into the first session just in time.

After lunch it is time to move into our rooms. I have my key, i say, your room is next to mine. Oh, did you collect my key too, says Nikki? Er, no, sorry I didn't think. Oh cheers, she says, and joins a long key queue. Feeling guilty I offer to collect the bags from the car, so off I go and stagger back with two bags, going straight to the rooms cos they are nearest, assuming Nikki will meet me there. She doesn't. After a farcical ten minutes involving mobile phones with no service, and me going all the way back to reception, and Nikki going to the car park to look for me, we find each other and move into our rooms. We then come out ready to go to the second session, and Nikki says sheepishly, I've forgotten my trousers, they are still in the trouser press. (I employ someone who owns a trouser press? mental note......)

So there we are, me with no hairbrush, hair dryer and no purse, Nikki with no trousers and hardly any cash. We go to the second session, then make enquiries at tea time and discover a 24 hour Tescos only 5 mins away. Saved. Hairbrush, trousers and cash all in one go. So we get directions and head off to the car. Nikki stops and frantically searches her bag. Bu''er, I can't find my car keys. Another frantic search. Oh no, I must have left them in my room. Oh dear, i think this really is turning into a farce, and I offer to wait while she goes back to her room to look, given that it's long way back from the compost heap. As she turns to go, she suddenly says, hang on, I gave you the keys to get the bags out of the car! Oh, so you did, I say, frantically searching my own handbag, and then suddenly going, OH!' and looking at Nikki in a Strange Way. What, she says, can't you find them? No, I say, but what I can find is.....(produces with a flourish...) a hairbrush! It was there all the time!

We look at each other and then collapse into a complete heap, and when we have recovered, decide that we can manage with the little cash Nikki has got for a drink each after dinner, and she will manage in her skirt, sod it, we won't go to Tescos, we'll go back and have a cup of tea.

Oh you two were quick, people say, yes, don't ask I reply.

The two days proceeded without further incident until i got home on Thursday night and got into bed, and went to get something out of my handbag...and found my room key.....oops I had forgotten to hand it in...I left with Nikki and didn't notice her hand her key in...... I texted her and told her I had my room key. I got the reply..'Silly cow.' Shock! Are employees allowed to be so rude to their manager? She doesn't even know about the interrupting cow. I feel hurt. If she gave her key in, she could have reminded me to do the same.

I am hurt and smarting til Friday evening when I receive a second text message from Nikki. 'Um, you won't believe this, but I've just found my key in my bag....' As I suspected. And so I hit the reply button..'Silly cow back!' Are managers allowed to address employees in this way?

So, what did I forget to pack?

Continuing from earlier in the week...my trip to Cambridge with Nikki. I've got up extra early this morning to tell you this story, I hope you appreciate it. Nikki is coming to my house to pick me up - she is late, due to an accident somewhere. I use the time to make some phonec alls re my father's business, including closing some accounts and paying some bills.

(I call the cable TV company, and am asked for the password on the account, I tell her I don't know it but I need to tell her something and pay the overdue bill, she says she will not discuss the account at all without the password, I tell her I need to talk to her, she repeats it, then I say look my father is dead, I can't ask him the password, ok? I just want to tell her that fact and pay the bill. Girl is suitably mortified and embarrassed, and let's me pay the outstanding amount over the phone with my credit card, and says she'll put a note on the computer so no-one will ask for the password again. Thank you I say. Why am I paying for cable TV? So we all have something to watch on those soul destoying trips to the house...)

Anyway, I digress, Nikki eventually appears and we make a hurried departure and head towards Cambridge. You know how you sit in a car and calmy go over in your head if you have everything? Oh, bu**er, I say, I haven't packed my hair dryer. (Liz, stop laughing, I owe you a quid.) I can lend you mine says Nikki. Oh, bu**er again, I say, I haven't packed my hairbrush either! I can't believe I have forgotten these essential items once again.......

Nikki has to stop for petrol on the motorway, so I go into the shop to see if I can buy a hairbrush. As I go in, I look in my bag and.....no purse. I took it out on the dining room table when I was paying the cable bill, my credit card was in it..and it's till there.... I turn to Nikki. No purse. No money. Nikki says she'll lend me. We'll need to buy drinks in the bar tonight. Nikki discovers a lack of cash in her purse. Don't worry, she says, I'll get cash out. The cash machine in the garage shop does not take her kind of card. Don't worry, says the helpful lady behind the counter, who does't do cash-back, go into the main service station, she can get cash there and they also sell hairbrushes....

But we are late and have no time so head on to Cambridge. Sorry we are late says Nikki. That's ok, I say through gritted teeth. I haven't had breakfast and we will only miss the lovely fresh coffee and shortbread biscuits, it doesn't matter... Nikki tries to speed up a bit, but not much, as she, like me, is awaiting judgement after her fourth speeding ticket......

There is more to this story - oh yes, really, but I will be late for work, so you'll just have to wait....................

What a bizarre day!

Yesterday was strange but busy! Ran the first of a new Prep coruse with 9 new keen volunteers signing up. Enjoyed running the session: I lvoe training and there was a real buzz to the day and they are all keen to come back next week!

As soon as they ahd all gone I took myself off to the hospital for the blood tests my doctor wanted me to have. Short wait, lotrs of blood, abck to the fofice...except I got a friend to pick me up to save the walk back and we fitted in a milk shake and a bannoffee waffle cos I hadn't had a lunch break..mmm...

Back to the office for a while then off to the doctor's to see the nurse for an ECG (that the doctor wanted...) it could only happen to me, I strip off and lay out like a beached whale in a room that was, frankly, a little chilly, to find that it was a new machine that the nurse hadn't used before. First she rang a colleague in another surgery to find out how to switch it on..then she wasn't sure how to wire me up, so had to look through two instruction books,..'Oh, I can only find Spanish and French, sorry about this, are you ok?' 'yes fine thanks' (bloody cold) after a while she looked at me and said, oops, let's cover you up, and she popped a blanket across my chest. Thanks I said, it is a bit nippy..I wasn;t sure if she realised I was cold or the sight of so much sagging fleshed appalled her.....anyway, eventaually she found the right book, the right page, in English, that told her how to wire me up. Lead F, the left arm, she said, attaching it happily. I think you'll find that's my right arm, I said helpfully. Oh, so it is, thank you. Forgive me for lying there desperately wanting to ask, do they give you any training here when you get new equipment?

Oh, you are the very first person I've tested with this machine, said the nurse happily as the paper print out shot out of the top. Really, I would never have guessed. Now, she shouldn't tell me, it's really up to the doctor, but she doesn;t want me worrying, so the reading shows no problems. I'm ok. But...yes, great minds think alike. Has she done it right?

Had to rush home to pick up the dog to go to the vet..Sophie has a limp..and that co-incided with a GB conference phone call re the Nov weekend. Ended up joining the call while trying to pay for the visit and the pills with my credit card , hold Sophie on her lead, listen to the call.. eventually sat in the car park for an hour while we plan the weekend by committee..oh joy....the car has been empty of petrol for two days so decide to head off and fill up.....it's gone 7.30pm and I haven't been home yet and I remember I still have to go to Laura's and feed the cat..................

Now, what did I leave behind on my trip away? Oh, sorry time to go to work, no time, tell you later.....................

Last week continued.....

Monday found me back in the office trying to catch up with post holiday e-mails, post and phone calls. Took my two colleagues out to lunch, to say thank you for holding the fort while I relaxed in Greece. Then they went home while I sat at my desk, fought my headache and general unwellness until 7.30pm!!!! So much to do and so little time......because the weekend had been busy I hadnt been shopping, so Clive rang to say he'd cooked potatoes, but there was nothing else....I dragged myself to a shop, bought ncie sausages (is there such a thing???) , gave them to Clvie to cook and immediately went to sleep on the sofa.

He woke me up, I ate, went back to sleep, then took myslef up to bed at 9pm to sleep properly and get rid of this lurking lurgy. I had a training day on Tuesday, Child Protection based, and managed to get through it before going home to collapse yet again. Must have picked something up on the plane, some strange virus...for the next two days, Nikki and I were off to Cambridge for the Eastern Region 2 day conference, in an old Elizabethan hall, with wonderful food and a chance to meet others like us from around the region...this is my fifth year of attending!!! Didn;t want to mis it. So was delighted to wake up Weds morning to find head ache gone and feeling a bit more human. Hooray, time to party!! before tomorrow's fascinating instalment, the cliff hanger is....Sally is going away for two days...what did she forget to pack?????

Where was I?

Oh yes, Friday and my AGM..went well, had three volunteers talk about the work they do, given that it's the Year of the Volunteer! Went down very well. My talk was ok too. Was a busy day....a quick way to get back in to things after two weeks holiday! And it continued...Saturday spent all day with a charity collecting tin at a local supermarket..we made about £200, not bad..then drove up to a village in Beds. for the wedding reception of Clive's niece..no, the daughter of the guy whose mother is Clive's mother's sister.....great niece??? First cousin? First cousin once removed?? I give up.

Had not been feeling well since coming back from Greece, so we left at 10pm for the hour and a half drive home. I did most of it, being the sober one, but then had to give up around Stevenage and get Clive to take over. So tired, a bit head-achy and a bit flu-ey. Then Sunday, up at 7am to take Laura and Mec to Heathrow for their flight to Bangkok for their 2 week holiday in Thailand. They were so excited..hope they have a good time. Then I drove on to Bristol, sold my dad's car to the gut who bought it on e-bay - (I washed it and bits were falling off the body work!) But it started first time, I took the £50 and the car was duly driven away.

I then spent a good hour cleaning mum and dad's house, it was looking a bit sad, and still not sold. I hoovered, cleaned, polished and dusted, and left it looking happier. I drove away after two hours there, feeling very peaceful, and it was the first time I had been there and not got upset. Felt calm and ok.

However, still felt unwell and very tired, and had to stop at a motor way service station and sleep. That, combined with accidents and Sunday night traffic jams, meant it took from 3pm until 7pm to get home. But I had to do it cos we were going to Highgate to take James out for dinner for his birthday. 29! My baby is 29!! Had to get Clive to drive there and back, as I had done over 7 hours driving that day..just managed a meal although I wasn't hungry, but had fun with James and Hilary and gave James his pressie....a juicer. What he wanted..apparently he spent the moring of his birthday (Monday) happily juiicing various fruits and making lvoely healthy drinks. You see, my kids don't do cigarettes or drugs, they do fruit smoothies. I must have been a good mother.

Where have I been???

You may well ask. We had two weeks on two Greek Islands, Ikaria and Samos, which are quite a long way down south, just off the Turkish coast. That's for those of you who like Geography. I will post some pictures very soon, so will save holiday comments til then. Suffice to say I read a lot - four books compared with none during the whole year..now I am back in to reading, and that is good for one's mental health. I read for hours, lying under a sunshade on the beach, then swam in the clear, warm, blue sea, then slept a bit while I dried out, stared into space a lot, stared at the horizon...then felt the need to visit a Greek Taverna for wonderful fresh orange juice, tomato salad, bread, fried aubergines..sitting in the open air, eating the most wonderful food...then I would lie down and read my book again, and go through the whole cycle again! Quite magic and healing and restful and lots of other words.

Had my AGM on Friday, so wrote my speech on the plane coming back on Thursday! Didn't sleep so well Thursday night, worrying a bit about being unprepared for the AGM, and talking in front of 50 people inc the committee and the mayor and the MP - the talking doesn't bother me, but not being sure of what I'm going to say does! Decided to set my alarm for 7.30am and go into work early and write up my talk in peace. Clive had Friday off, so he was none to pleased when my phone alarm went off and I leapt out of bed and put the light on. I had only been asleep about an hour myself, it felt like. In Greece I woke up to Bright blue sky and blistering sun pouring in.....now it felt like the middle of the night, so bloody dark. 'It feels like the middle of the night' I said to Clive who groaned and pulled the duvet over his head. I looked out..it really was dark....then I remembered my phone was still on Greek time, so it was actually 5.30 am...how popular was I????

Doesn't time fly.....

..when you're having fun? It's been so long since I blogged that the sysstem wouldn't let me in without me entering my user name and password, and it's taken several goes for me to get them right!

Anyway, here I am! Where have I been since August 18th, whihc is about when I last blogged. Well, I went to Greenbelt! Away from home for 10 days, working on the Front Desk and enjoying the best festival for quite a few years... I feel such a part of a close family now, such good friends, I haven't laughed so much all year..really...and boy, did I need it. Leaving site at the end of the festival made me feel very sad.....so much more to say, so many more hugs to give..so much of the festival I didn't see!

When I got home I found the internet wasn't working, no access to e-mails or to blogs, which only increased my sense of isolation. Several phone calls to ntl later..some of the time I was talking to Wales, sometimes India, after 10 days they decided we needed a new modem and went one in the post..three days later, by which time we were leaving for two weeks in Greece.....and I had desperate withdrawal syptoms, no festival, no friends all around and a buggered modem...not a good week!

Needed my session with my bereavement counsellor on the Friday after GB, so much sadness welled up about so many things...took myslef to the doctor on Monday because of having horrible heart palpitations..got very upset while in there, and the doctor was so lovely - young and good looking of course, I really wanted to have his babies..I can be extremely upset and suicidal but still manage to think..oh, I fancy you......what am I like? Don't answer that! Well, I have to have a heart check up and lots of blood tests (when I get round to it) but basically he doesn't think there's much wrong with me that a good course of anti-depressants wouldn't cure! I agreed to give a new batch a try, having had foul tablets at easter that I abandoned after two weeks. So I have been on this lot for three weeeks now, and am feeling much better, but then again, I have beem to Greece for two weeks and lain in the sun......that might have helped!!

Anyway, time for bed, more catching up tomorrow. Hope you are pleased I am back.....

About the music, really...

I am so tired this week, after weeks of not sleeping well I am suddenly exhausted, and have slept through two nights running! Bliss. But it means I have no mental energy to blog. Or work, if it come to that. I am trying so hard.................

Anyway, the music at Cropredy. Thursday night there was: Tickled Pink (missed them as I was still struggling to put up my tent! It was crooked and blew about a bit, but didn't blow down and kept me dry. Bonus.) Hilary James and Simon Mayor, good stuff on mandolins fiddles, guitars etc. Jah Wobble and his English Roots Band. Traditonal folk with a Jah Wobble make-over. Interesting! headlining was Country Joe McDonald, used to be Country Joe and the Fish (I,2,3, what are fighting for? Don't ask me I don't give a damn, next stop is Vietnam. Their one Big Hit a while back...) Not country music at all, good R&B and an excellent close to the evening.

Friday: Big Eyed Fish, a local band, a good opener. Syuey Mutch & Henry Nicol. Young folk, but can't remember much about them..Friday was not a good day as you recall.... Edwina Hayes, an American singer song writer who had a lvoely rich deep singing voice, but spoke like Minnie Mouse and was generally irritating. She sang a lot of broken hearted 'I wrote this when my relationship ended' kind of songs, and given that I was very low, when she introduced a sad song as 'music to slit your wrists to' even DC texted me from a distance to say 'Please don't........'
Chris While & Julie Matthews, two good folk ladies with amazing harmonies and spirit.

The Muffin Men with Jimmy Carl Black..well, if you like Frank Zappa................different.....then the Ukulele Orchestra of Great Britain. Absolutely brilliant. Indescribable. Amazingly talented and entertaining..have you heard their 'Miss Dynamite' on the radio???? Classic. Richard Thompson and band.....actually quite boring. lost his way??? Headline Band - the Dylan Project. A must for all those Dylan fans out there.

Finally, Saturday....one of the highlights, Richard Digance opening the day's proceedings. brought the house down, very funny, not to be missed. A chance to join in! T & La Touche - Rocking Roots and rhythm..unique and fresh reggae sound. Uiscedwr (means water in welsh) Welsh and Irish folk band, amazing bodrun player! The Hamsters. Rock and Roll! What can I say! I danced and head banged the afternoon away....Beth Nielsen Chapman, another American singer song writer who is very good but also annoying....then, from 8.30pm til midnight...Fairport Convention!! What I was waiting for! Stunning music, talented performers, I never tire of listening to them, dancing to them, singing with them and just lvoing them. What an end to three days of music. Anyone want to come with me next year?

First, about the camping.....

I did say I would talk about the music at Cropredy...but first about the camping. They have several camping fields around the village, numbered 1 to 7. When the site opens on Thursday morning, they simply fill the sites from number 1, car by car, row by row, you drive in, park and put your tent up next to your car. You end up with a neat field of rows of tents in front of rows of cars - and there is no 3 metre rule either! There are no special areas, you camp where you are told to as you arrive - I got there at 4.30pm Thursday and they were alreaady into Field 7, and I was at the end of the row at the bottom of the field, by hedge and very near the toilets....

If you want to camp as a group then you meet somewhere like Tescos car park in Banbury, and drive on site together. It works, no-one complains, you meet up with your friends (if you have any!) by arrangement. I think Greenbelters are very different. Laura spent ages on the phone this week to may people, such as a girl who is arriving on Friday but her friend isn't coming until Saturday, and how can they make sure they can camp together? Laura, of coruse gets to that hysterical stage where she starts offering to personally stand all night and guard the space, and of course she can do that for hundreds of people.......

The downside is that if you are on your own like I was, and on the end of a row, with the hedge behind, and a large tent on one side only with its back to me, and a family the other side, who I never saw, but believe me I heard them......the next row is about a road width away, so I was isolated, and didn't manage to make friends with fellow campers.

I did think, for me, that being next to the loos was a splendid idea, not too far to go in the night, but of course they have those spring shutting doors, and everyone who comes out just lets go of the door, and it goes bang......14 lots of bangs, I thought, counting the toilets. Then, in the morning at 6am, yes 6am, a very loud lorry came and parked outside my tent and pumped out the toilets loudly for almost an hour, and there was lots of banging and craching.

When I emerged, the toilets were much nearer to me than before, ie, right up to my tent..and I realised the lorry had delivered 5 more. I could have made friends with people in the queue next to my tent, but they just queued silently, being British, and watched my struggles to put up my tent and take it down, alone; yes just watched, but no-one spoke or offered to help. A girl on her own? Oh well, not young or pretty enough any more I suppose. Tomorrow I'll tell you about the music...............

So very tired......

Must be the result of such an emotionally draining weekend - coming back to work on Monday has left me exhausted, and I had an early night, no energy to blog with!

The highlight of Sunday, after my hot bath and cup of tea, was Laura and Mec coming over to show us their engagement ring. It is absolutely beautiful and Laura looked so happy and radiant, I am so happy for them. We celebrated on a cold, rainy Sunday afternoon by curling up and watching The Wedding Singer, just for a laugh. Laura and I lvoed it..I saw Mec, after about half an hour, sneakily take a magazine from the coffee table and start to read. When Laura, who was curled up with him on the big, red sofa gave him one of her looks, he said, 'It's OK, I am watching it, I'm multi tasking!'

Sorry, Mec, but you're a man......

What can I say???

I don't know. It must be the weather. Have not had a good week, since I wrote the words, 'Feeling better, more positive,' on only Monday evening, I woke up in the night and knew instantly I was very depressed, and couldn't explain why. A heavy, black cloud has followed me all week, which is why I haven't blogged since Tuesday.

On Thursday morning I got up and just couldn't stop crying, for no obvious reason, nothing had changed, nothing had happened but I was overwhelmed by pain and sadness. I cried all the way to work and then sat in my car unable to go in. Caroline texted at that point, and on reading my reply, immediately rang me and talked to me until I had calmed down. She may have had problems of her own but she gave no indication and literally saved my sanity.

I was able to go into the office an hour late and just had to be honest with my secretary about my state, anyway she could see it! A cup of coffee and talking about work helped, but then I had to do a very difficult visit which dragged me down, and made me realise I needed a break from work.

I had already planned to go to the Cropredy Fairport Festival, and had Friday booked as leave, but decided to go earlier, so left the office at noon on Thursday, went home, packed my tent and a bag of clothes and headed off to Oxfordshire on a bright sunny day and tried to feel the normal happiness that driving away, a good CD, and sunshine bring, and I have to say, I struggled. I told myself three days away on my own was all I needed! I would come home a different person.

Oh dear. nearly lost it just putting my tent up on my own - I have only done it once before and it wasn't easy. But then I took my rucksack and sandwiches, little festival chair and rug, and walked down to the arena, and picked my spot. The music had already started, and a good crowd was gathering. That day and the next probably rank as almost the worst of my life. If you are feeling depressed, emotional and vulnerable, being alone amongst 20,000 festival goers, all of whom seem to be with other people, and everyone round me appeared happy, touchy feely, in groups or couples, sitting with their arms round each other, sharing food and drink, is seriously not a good idea. I felt more and more alone, lonely, abandoned and bereaved, and couldn't wait to get to my little tent and sleep. The Friday was worse. I sat all day, on my rug in the sunshine, listening to music, surrounded by people, none of whom spoke to me, and just cried. I truly nearly lost it, I walked around crying, forgot to eat or drink, and didn't know what to do. I thought about packing up and coming home, but that would have meant admitting defeat, and I wouldn't really be able to explain why, and didn't want to come home in such a bad way.

A few people, good friends, who knew better than me and suspected I might feel bad - you would think I would have known! - rang and texted during the day, and just about kept me together. I know what Caroline means about feeling unsafe. It is the most scary feeling, and I felt I would dissolve and collapse in the midst of 20,00 people un-noticed, or maybe be found in my tent at the end of the festival, curled up, cold and unmoving with grief.

Finally, about 7pm, a guy I work with at the theatre rang, Gary, who I had spoken to about coming, and he said he and his friends were here. They came and found me and I moved and we all sat together. I felt rescued. They were lovely - they even passed a joint around and offered it to me,..I do believe I actually considered it, but decided perhaps it was not a good time to take my first experimental step into drugs! We watched the bands until midnight and at some stage I even found myself doing a little dancing. We walked back to the campsite together, a little group, and I snuggled in my tent and felt not so alone. But bloody cold! In the morning Gary rang me and invited me to join them for breakfast, and so I found their little group of tents and was given coffee and a bacon sandwich and they all marvelled at how brave I was coming to the festival alone. I have done a lot of things alone in my life, and I never knew it could be so hard.

I am not only in mourning for my parents, and still struggling for closure because I don't know where they are, if any where, are they at peace? I miss them so much it hurts, but I realise I am grieving for so many other things in my life, it is all so complex, and the pain is almost unbearable.

That little group have no idea how they rescued me with just simple acts of human kindness, but rescue me they did. And tomorrow I will tell you about the music!

An e-bay success!

Success! I sold my dad's little old metro on e-bay for £50!!! It's not much but at least it saves us having to pay someone to take it away! Now all I have to do is worry about getting down there to hand it over..it will cost about £50 in petrol....

Had a family picnic in the park today, lots of families anvolunteersrs came, and we sat on rugs and ate our picnics, then played games, and football and general running around games with the children, while the mums had a rest. It was so hot though..what a change in temperature!

Went for a dog walk with Jill after dinner, then checked blogs whilst talking to Caroline on the phone. We were just complaining that some people haven't blogged for a while, and how boring this was, when I clicked on Stick's blog to discover a new post. Oh, I said, Stick has blogged today! Oh, said Caroline, now I will have to get up and turn my computer on to read it.... no peace for the wicked....

It's not my fault!

No, it's Caroline's fault that I have broken my diet, with her yummy ginger and chocolate cake. I collapsed onto a sun lounger in the garden after work tonight with a cup of tea and a piece of her cake. The ginger cake bit is crumbly and moist, the chocolate on top is squidgy. I don't mind ginger, but it's not my favourite, so a bit less ginger and a bit more chocolate next time,if you don't mind. Thanks.

Clive is still bedridden so I have been doing lots of stairs and doing meals, coffee, and tonight, whiskey! I came home from work lunchtime even. After work I walked the dog with Jackie, then did dinner, then worked on the radio signing in-and-out sheets for GB, then made coffee for me and Clive and sat down and went to sleep...zzzzzzzzzzzzzz..whilst trying to have texted conversations with Liz and Laura. Hope to sleep better tonight. Feeling a bit better. Have been more active and positive and less depressed. Can only be a good thing! Must be the cake!

Finally made a decision and booked to have my hair cut and coloured after days of wavering. Then Jackie said tonight how nice it looks! Should I have it done? I used to be indecisive but now I'm not so sure......

Meet Raymond...

I have to introduce you to Raymond! He is a present from the lvoely Caroline, who met us for a drink before James and I whizzed back on the M4 - I'm sorry, that should read 'crawled for hours'...I now own the most fabulous pen which is silvery and glittery and bendy and complete with large purple feathers, a beak, two eyes and purple featerh hair, not to mention the large plastic purple feet...the most bizarre pen, and Caroline's way of saying thanks for her lighting up cross pen....

When Caroline asked what I was going to call my new mate, James said, I think it's Raymond, now I think it's Raymond in drag and he is wonderful. Tomorrow he will have pride of place on my desk and he will stare at Nikki and Mary Anne with his wonderful beady eyes. Thank you, Caroline. James knows I am mad, thinks my frends are also made, btu also said he thought Caroline was lvoely. And of course he is rather taken with her car too!

It was a fun end to the day, after doing more clearing of mum and dad's house, and doing a bit of gardening, and cleaning, and filling the car with bags and boxes of stuff I can't bear to throw away. Not sure where it's all going to go yet...

And as well as Raymond (I will endevour to post a photo), there was a gift of yummy ginger and chocolate cake, which I had to sample straight away. Wonderful. Thank you Caroline. I lvoe friends like you. I even gave Caroline a family heirloom - one of my mum's unused magic impregnated duster brush thingies...she has passed it on to her cleaner!!

Sally's Saturday...

Well, hardly any sleep last night, so up early. Tidied kitchen. Discovered Clive not working after all. So when DC turned up to take me into town and buy coffee, we all went. A threesome. Lvoely. Clvie bought the coffees. DC and I talked Greenbelt and other stuff non-stop - we haven't seen each other for ages, while Clive stared at the ceiling. After, he went off to buy a newspaper and I accompanied David to the olive stall. Laura appeared and came to say hello. I said, I'm part of a threesome today, just for a change. Oh yes, said Laura, what other weird friend have you got with you? Do you know, I think she insulted everyone with that remark. DC and I asked her how things were in the office and was it all organised, and she said we had spoiled her day off, she had been relaxed, but now she had chest pains. Her day off, she repeated. I said we are volunteers, we don't have days off.

DC's back and leg were bad, he was in pain, could hardly walk, so we all went home and he went to lie down and rest. I went shopping - food shopping - leaving Clive to mow the lawn. When I got home, Clive was laid up in agony with a bad back - really, you couldn't make it up - so I had to do the lawn. All that up and down with the mower, it's very therapeutic. After carrying all those Sainsbury's bags too. I have run Clive a bath, removed his socks and shoes, and then help him dress after.

We went to Jill and Ian's for dinner with friends, sat out in the garden to eat and nearly bloody froze to death. Now we are home and I have taken Clive's shoes and socks off again. I have my uses.

And this afternoon I followed the link from Steve's blog and watched the Coldplay video of Fix You. I lvoe that song. Have you lost something you can't replace? Do you lvoe someone and it's such a waste? Are the tears streaming down your face? You bet. Magic.

Not good inside my head...

Definitely not a good day. Not in my head anyway. In the office on my own, managed a bit of work, went out for coffee with my ex-Chair, had a good chat. Back to do a bit more work, but decided for various reasons that actually I couldn't do it anymore, couldn't concentrate, and definitely didn't want to talk to anyone. So decided to come home and sit in the garden with the dog, and then go swimming with Rosemarie. I did 20 lengths to her 30, so the proportions are getting better, I used to do half what she did. Had a coffee and a chat..she says she doesn't need Neighbours or Eastenders after she's listened to me for a while..much more entertaining.....

Our minister went to the World Baptist Convention last week in Birmingham, and phoned his wife to say he was bringing 3 Indian people back to stay, two pastors and a wife! who came for the conference but had little money and nowhere to stay..they were 'trusting the Lord to provide...' so G gave them the train fare to St Albans...they've been staying a week now, and cooked a meal for all the deacons and their partners, so despite feeling desperately anti-social and wanting to curl up in a dark corner, I went and did my deacon's wife bit. The two pastors preached to us and tried to convert us all very loudly, and praised God a great deal. I asked them when they were going back to India, they said August 17th..when I repeated that to the minister's wife, her smile froze and she said G would get a good slap and would 'pay' when they are gone......I suppose I could be generous and invite them to stay here...on second thoughts....

Going, going...

..soon it will all be gone. Mum and Dad's house is on the market, I've looked at the pics on the agent's website, all the rooms neat and tidy and..oh so empty. I've just put my dad's metro on e-bay, so hopefully soon that will go. I'm going back on Sunday to finish off emptying cupboards of glassware, crockery, cutlery. etc. Then it will just be the furniture to go when the house is sold. I can't tell you how bizarre this whole thing is.

Good day at work today, lunch with Rosemarie - we both had salad! - and our penultimate supervision session. Yes, she has resigned as my supervisor -and the Chair resigned, and now the Treasurer has resigned... no wonder I have an issue with abandonment..so much to take to my bereavement counsellor!!!

Have walked Sophie this evening, with Jill and Harry, and noted sadly how the nights are drawing in. I'm not ready for autumn!! Oh well, nothing for it, better ring George and do some front desk planning....

Diet? What diet?

One of those days....I knew it would be a hard week after my collapse on Monday evening. Emotionally vulnerable, but then I am clearing out and selling my parents' home, which is all a bit final. I mean, they are not here any more soon their home won't be and all the familiar things..so i know it will be hard.

But worked hard all day looking at the sunshine out of the office window...found it harder and harder to concentrate..but as I did lots of extra hours last week while everyone else was on holiday, getting my volunteers' newsletter out, and the printer went wrong on me, as it does when you have an important job on....and I had problems with the York***re B*nk, don't get me started on the whole call centre business..I did lose it and at one stage scream at the girl in the bank and said, I only want to close the account, you've been nothing but trouble since we started, and you're even making this difficult, and she said, I know, I quite understand, but we still need another signature....

Anyway, I felt I had done enough hours to warrant going home an hour early today, to sit in the sun for a bit, but by the time I got home it had clouded over, ho hum, so I walked the dog and gave in to walking and crying at the same time, huge tears and sobs because sometimes the pain is so raw..then I got ready and went to meet my good friend Dave Sh who took me out for a meal, and he is lvoely and we went to a Creperie and he didn't mention my red, swollen eyes, and I broke my diet and had lovely crepes and bananas and chocolate sauce and ice cream, and I drove him home, and he gave me a Huge Hug and I gave him one back, and isn't that what friends are for? He isn't too well, neither is the other Dave, so I am starting a poorly Dave's club. DC said they would be fighting over who has the most premier points.....anyway, back to the diet tomorrow......

A sunny day!

Actually a warm, summer's day! Warmer outside than inside the office. By lunchtime I thought we needed warmth and sun - like delicate plants, so M-A and I went and sat outside Carluccio's for lunch which was pleasant and warm and lvoely.

Tonight after work I weeded the front drive and garden, which is block paving and gravel, and was looking a little neglected. This is the first stage of clean up for Laura and Mec's party - now at least the approach to the house looks decent! Just have to take down the dead hanging basket....

Finished the hard work and went round to Jacky's for coffee, sat outside on her patio and talked, which was lvoely. Said no to cake and biscuits. I lost weight for a whole week, but have put on again since Saturday. I blame the Marks and Spencer bite size flapjacks which I bought to share in Bristol. Which means everyone else eats one or two and Sally has the rest. Note to self: don't buy yummy things.

I need help...

..well I know that is blindingly obvious to all of you, but not in the way that you think! Since I deleted my previous blog (RIP) I have lost the magic formulas which allow me to post links to other blogs. So could somebody let me have it (in the nicest possible way) and I can resume my linking. Thank you!!!

Now for the good news....

..Good news is that Laura and Mec have got engaged! They went to New York for a long weekend to celebrate his birthday, and he proposed.....so they came back with Good News, which is lovely, brilliant to see them so happy. They are in the middle of choosing the ring..well, Laura has chosen the stone and setting and now it is being made! See, another reaosn for me to diet, one day soon (in the next couple of years) I will be the Bride's Mother! And a Mother-in-Law! Doesn't bear thinking about.....

Looked through a few of my dad's things tonight which reduced me to a blubbering wreck, it doesn't happen that often, really, but it is bound to happen....drove to Laura and Mec's to find they were still out shopping, so rang friend Liz in order to talk and hear a voice on the end of the phone to calm me and just be there for me. Thank you, Liz, you did the trick.

I went into Laura and Mec's and had a cup of tera while they ate their dinner, (at 10.30pm, not healthy...) and me and Laura did Greenbelt gossip which Mec is used to now. I just wanted to hear about all her volunteers!!!! She said they are all lovely, and the tickets are nearly all out now, and Laura is looking relaxed and happy, which surprised me, considering! She is wondering what it will be like, in one month's time, to have her life back. Oh, we all wonder that, don't we?

I have offered to host an engagement party here, the day before I leave for Greenbelt. Just a house to clean and tidy, a front and back garden to weed and some planting needed....not to mention some food and drink....I must be mad....

Carry on cleaning...

Inspired by the clearing up and throwing out of rubbish from my parents' house, I did a little more in my own home this morning, if only to make room for the stuff I have brought back. I only managed to throw out one big bag's worth, but let's face it, when you're a hoarder, every little helps.

Then we set out in the van to James' flat in Highgate, and he accompanied us to Hilary's new pad in Belsize Park. She has moved into a lovely light attic room at the top of a semi, and up a spiral staircase, and is in need of furniture. My mum had an old cast-iron treddle Singer sewing machine in her bedroom - she used it to make all my clothes when I was little, and pedalled away at great speed to great effect! It is a bit of an antique now, and she left it to James, knowing his interest in furniture. Its home for now is in Hilary's room - good job we could take it to pieces, we would never have got it up the stairs. When in place it looked lovely, and I had to laugh when Hilary announced she would keep her computer on it - so she will be sitting at the sewing machine built for use before electricity, happily e-mailing and surfing the net.... my mum would have found that funny!