It was too good to be true! I've been happy since I came back from Greece..strangely emotionally stable! No tears, so sadness, in fact no feelings at all really, but living in the present and getting on with life and my job.
Friday was good, I helped to organise a big event that came together and was a good day - can't say too much on account of not being able to blog about work!
I had cut down the anti-depressants from one a day to one every other day, as I was doing so well, I thought I'd try it, and I also hoped it would help me sleep. But my mood lowered over the days, gradually at first, but it was still ok and I was doing fine.
But then came a weekend at my parents' house in Bristol, and the first time I have stayed there overnight on my own - with my lovely Sophie dog of course!! But the house is getting emptier and so quiet, and I had the house clearance guy in to discuss taking away all the furniture etc..I knew I felt sad but was dealing with it.
But I really missed my dad so much...was aware of his room being empty, and spent a lot of time in the quiet, sad, empty house. I really missed him..I guess I was used to mum not being there...I was glad when I left. I thought I was ok until trying to do a day's work yesterday, managed ok but was increasingly falling apart inside and I didn't know what to do or who to turn to..... came home early I went to sleep on the sofa.
Am trying to deal with the paperwork, the house sale, and tonight I have come home to all the probate forms from the solicitor..and it is all there in black and white...that he is dead...and suddenly the sadness and pain is too much.
I have fallen out with a dear friend through the stress, and that has made today even harder. I texted sorry, and now as I type he has texted sorry too, and I know he forgives me and that has finally let the tears flow, dripping all over the keyboard!
I know I will have times of pain. I will get through it. I have upped my pills to one a day again, too soon to cut back! I will be happier again. But in the spirit of ongoing honesty in my blog, I share my pain with you more openly than the people around me. How stupid is that!
I have bereavement counselling on Friday. Soon the house will be sold, another chapter closed and I won't have to go there again. Time to go downstairs and cook dinner, and stop trying to hide my feelings and pretend I'm ok. I'm not. For now. But I will be.
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4 comments:
it was so good to see you. so sorry i mucked up the dates and days and everything. wish i could have made it easier for you at the w/e. and incidentally - you ARE doing well. love you.
Honey you did, you so did, company, hugs, chocolate brownies and all. You did well too!!!!!!!xxx
Sometimes it can be easier to say the difficult things in less personal settings.
If blogging helps, go with it, for all its limitations and anxieties it is a medium that you can take control of how much you say, when and how.
Just as long as you know that if ever the appropriate medium is 'a good friend, not immediately involved who loves you loads and is totally ready to reciprocate in providing a shoulder to cry on' you shouldn't hesitate to pick up the phone or drive up the M6.
You're fab. You're doing fab.
What they both said...except that you wouldn't need so much to drive up the M6 as down the M5...but you know all that anyway.
On going hugs...you are a star and your friends love you lots xx
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