What can I say???

I don't know. It must be the weather. Have not had a good week, since I wrote the words, 'Feeling better, more positive,' on only Monday evening, I woke up in the night and knew instantly I was very depressed, and couldn't explain why. A heavy, black cloud has followed me all week, which is why I haven't blogged since Tuesday.

On Thursday morning I got up and just couldn't stop crying, for no obvious reason, nothing had changed, nothing had happened but I was overwhelmed by pain and sadness. I cried all the way to work and then sat in my car unable to go in. Caroline texted at that point, and on reading my reply, immediately rang me and talked to me until I had calmed down. She may have had problems of her own but she gave no indication and literally saved my sanity.

I was able to go into the office an hour late and just had to be honest with my secretary about my state, anyway she could see it! A cup of coffee and talking about work helped, but then I had to do a very difficult visit which dragged me down, and made me realise I needed a break from work.

I had already planned to go to the Cropredy Fairport Festival, and had Friday booked as leave, but decided to go earlier, so left the office at noon on Thursday, went home, packed my tent and a bag of clothes and headed off to Oxfordshire on a bright sunny day and tried to feel the normal happiness that driving away, a good CD, and sunshine bring, and I have to say, I struggled. I told myself three days away on my own was all I needed! I would come home a different person.

Oh dear. nearly lost it just putting my tent up on my own - I have only done it once before and it wasn't easy. But then I took my rucksack and sandwiches, little festival chair and rug, and walked down to the arena, and picked my spot. The music had already started, and a good crowd was gathering. That day and the next probably rank as almost the worst of my life. If you are feeling depressed, emotional and vulnerable, being alone amongst 20,000 festival goers, all of whom seem to be with other people, and everyone round me appeared happy, touchy feely, in groups or couples, sitting with their arms round each other, sharing food and drink, is seriously not a good idea. I felt more and more alone, lonely, abandoned and bereaved, and couldn't wait to get to my little tent and sleep. The Friday was worse. I sat all day, on my rug in the sunshine, listening to music, surrounded by people, none of whom spoke to me, and just cried. I truly nearly lost it, I walked around crying, forgot to eat or drink, and didn't know what to do. I thought about packing up and coming home, but that would have meant admitting defeat, and I wouldn't really be able to explain why, and didn't want to come home in such a bad way.

A few people, good friends, who knew better than me and suspected I might feel bad - you would think I would have known! - rang and texted during the day, and just about kept me together. I know what Caroline means about feeling unsafe. It is the most scary feeling, and I felt I would dissolve and collapse in the midst of 20,00 people un-noticed, or maybe be found in my tent at the end of the festival, curled up, cold and unmoving with grief.

Finally, about 7pm, a guy I work with at the theatre rang, Gary, who I had spoken to about coming, and he said he and his friends were here. They came and found me and I moved and we all sat together. I felt rescued. They were lovely - they even passed a joint around and offered it to me,..I do believe I actually considered it, but decided perhaps it was not a good time to take my first experimental step into drugs! We watched the bands until midnight and at some stage I even found myself doing a little dancing. We walked back to the campsite together, a little group, and I snuggled in my tent and felt not so alone. But bloody cold! In the morning Gary rang me and invited me to join them for breakfast, and so I found their little group of tents and was given coffee and a bacon sandwich and they all marvelled at how brave I was coming to the festival alone. I have done a lot of things alone in my life, and I never knew it could be so hard.

I am not only in mourning for my parents, and still struggling for closure because I don't know where they are, if any where, are they at peace? I miss them so much it hurts, but I realise I am grieving for so many other things in my life, it is all so complex, and the pain is almost unbearable.

That little group have no idea how they rescued me with just simple acts of human kindness, but rescue me they did. And tomorrow I will tell you about the music!