The world is my lobster..almost.....

Yes, it's a sat nav!!!!! My new baby..Clive surprised me by asking if I would like a sat nav for my birthday. He had researched them and found this tomtom go to be highly recommended. We attempted to look at one in the usual large stores, only to discover it was difficult to find a member of staff to serve you, and when you did, it was generally a spotty youth who didn't know anything about the items they were selling and couldn't answer any questions.(No offence to spotty youths. I hope none taken.)

Anyway, to cut a long story meduim, the week before we went away, Laura had the week off work, and with nothing much to do, and nobody else being about, she seemed to end up at my office rather a lot, round about lunchtime, and a great deal of eating and shopping went on, most days, actually. I also bored of her moaning about her and Mec missing houses, cos they are always sold by the time they see them, and I pointed out she hadn't actually registered with any agents, so I made her go into 6 over 2 days and register, and I sat quietly and didn't interfere! (for example: agent to Laura: This is a nice house.... me...oh, no Laura you don't want to live in that road (remember I visit all over St Albans as part of my job!) Laura..No thank you then... agent gives mother filthy look...) One agent was very nice and referred to me as Laura's sister. Don't trust his description of houses then.....

Anyway, on the day before my holiday, we were shopping (in my lunch hour) (and we went to look at a house quickly, this is such fun) and I remembered I still didn't have my sat nav, and I thought, why not, so went into D*xons and found a youth that did know his sat nav from his ipod, and I let him sell one to me.

It is a mobile sat nav , that you move from car to car, Clive's eyes lit up, now it wouldn't be that he really wanted one, would it??? We used it to go from home to our little hotel in the middle of shropshire, magic, no need for maps, took us straight there. Was good all weekend. Except when I programmed it to take us to Llanrhaedr to see Wales' highest water fall, and I offered to drive, cos Clive had driven at 20 miles an hour all morning - that is not an exaggeration, I was watching the speedo, and it nearly drove me mad, I could have walked quicker. It was Easter Sunday, and I felt like we were one of those Sunday driver people who didn't know how to get out of first gear.

So I took over driving, and Clive kindly told me how to drive, how to steer, pointed out the traffic lights, looked at the map and said he wouldn't have gone this way..I stopped the car and said, shall we follow the sat nav or will you read the map, I don't mind but I can't follow both. Clive agreed follow the sat nav, then continued to help me drive all the way. The sat nav said Llanrheadr clearly in its little window. I followed it dutifully until we drove into the little town of Bala and it said 'You have reached your destination.' Um....never mentioned Bala..wrong place.. something wrong here surely? Yes, said Clive, you have obviously programmed the sat nav wrong, what have you done, turn round here, mind the kerb, no not like that..oh why are you getting out of the car?

How stoooooopid do i feel........

I may have mentioned once or twice before on my blog, my intention to go up to the Big Town and go to a Steve Lawson gig, one of his regular monthly gigs at Darbucka's world music cafe. Every time I plan to go, something gets in the way, there is something else on that night I can't get out of, or as on one or two occasions, no-one else is free to come with me and at the last minute on a cold winter's night I can't be a****ed, or i forget or whatever.

But this month, I checked the website, and yes, there is a gig and yes, I am free. I plan to go. Alone or otherwise. I ask Laura if she wants to come. Not really her thing, and anyway she's going swimming. I ask James if he would like to come..he has other plans but I can tell he's tempted. I ask DC if he would like to come, and for once he is in London and able to spare the evening!

So I am excited and off we go to the gig...except when we stop to call up the web site on DC's laptop for the venue address, something makes me look twice at the date. 'What is today's date?' I ask. '20th' DC replies. 'Oh. Are you sure?' 'Yes,' (suspicion creeping in..) 'Why, when is the gig?' Pause. 'Yesterday.' I have to say I have been in a foul mood all day, started the day having a cry (but not for long) walked out of a meeting this afternoon cos I was losing the will to live, shouted at DC down the phone and then hung up on him, just because, and nearly decided not to go out cos I wasn't in the mood. DC generously still decided to risk accompanying me. So while I was being moody and offish, discovering I had missed the gig amused DC to the point of helpless laughter, or was it the pained look on my face as I tried to retain some sense of dignity. Then I gave up.

We went for a meal, a long talk and shared silly texts with Caroline. DC talked about the stresses of work and said, 'I feel like I am just using fingers to plug holes in the dyke.' I told him not to lower the tone......

Now I am home in bed. You know, one day I really will make it to a Steve Lawson gig.

Drum roll..here are the pics!

This is the front of the lovely country house hotel in Shropshire which was our home for three nights. It's called Pen-y-dyffryn , and was originally a Rectory before being turned into a hotel.

This is the hotel seen from across the valley - it is only just in Shropshire, Wales is 100 yards away!

Our room was one of four in the Coach House, a separate building just up the hill behind the main house. (Youc an see the hotel roof and upstairs window just to the right). And what about the view out of the door!...we had our own private terrace with table and chairs, direct access to the wonderful gardens, and the sun came roun d to face us in the evenings. Sophie dog can be seen trying to decide whether to come in or go out......she does that for hours.....

A view of the beautifully landscaped gardens ...once there, you really didn't feel the need to go anywhere else. Peaceful rolling hills, singing birds, the distant bleating of lambs...comfortable rooms, a lounge full of sofas and a roaring log fire in the evening..not to mention the wonderful food and service in the dining room...nothing was too much trouble, the staff were all friendly, helpful and well trained (as far away from Cheltenham as you could possibly get!!!!!),,Liz, I think I have found the next venue for you and S to visit for your next girlie break!!!

Nearly time...

..to take a break. Almost packed and ready. Off to Shropshire in the morning for an Easter break. To a nice hotel. With Clive. And Sophie. And a book of lovely walks. And books to read. Can't wait...have a good Easter, see you on my return, Monday night, or Tuesday morning. Complete with photographs taken with my new phone!

First this....

I saw it in one of those magazines you get free with the Sunday papers. Full of things you always wanted, but just didn't know you did. Look at this! A 4 in 1 music centre - perfect for your entire audio collection - a turntable, sorry record deck, on top, a slot for tapes to the right, cds in front, and a built in radio. Solid wood! Only £99.99. I am so tempted....

then this....

..in the same magazine..the Pet Pavilion. It's wonderful! A little kennel for your wee doggy to keep warm and dry, but on a sunny day..a sun terrace!!!! Complete with little ladder to get up there. But this is the best feature..pointed out in the text, honestly, the little wooden carved safety rail to stop your pooch falling a whole 19" to the ground. Only £49.99! Do you think Sophie would like one?

Ok, I have to come clean....

..this week hasn't gone entirely to plan. Positive: I have not eaten so much chocolate, though I have consumed some...I didn't go swimming on Tuesday morning, but it was a conscious and positive decision, as I still got up at 7.30am and did some much needed housework instead. So I was still motivated and active, but also got the house that bit tidier..and boy does it need it....

Had counselling tonight..for two weeks running I have talked and not cried. I have been a relatively normal person in between too, no emotional traumas. I hope this is the beginning....and I will go swimming...soon...

Write one hundred lines....

I will not keep eating chocolate and making myself feel sick.
I will not keep eating large packs of M&Ms and making myself feel sick.
I will not keep buying large amounts of chocoalte and M&Ms which make me feel sick.
I am good for getting up at 7.30am this morning and walking the dog.
I am good for having yoghurt and fruit for breakfast.
Tomorrow morning I will get up at 7.30am and go for a swim before work.
I will not keep eating chocolate and maiking myself feel sick.

What a lvoely song to end on......

..a good way to end a weekend, to pop into an old St Albans pub and find a folk night in full swing..except that full swing might be overstating it...As D and I crossed the floor with our drinks and crisps to find a seat, a dozen pairs of eyes watched us, silently saying, 'Eeer, they're not from round 'ere then....' True, we weren't wearing checked shirts, sandals or beards (oh, one of us had a beard, I admit it...) then we worried about eating the crisps, because we imagined one crunch would have twelve pairs of lips mouthing 'Sshhhh' in our direction. We lasted for four songs before putting some money in the kitty and escaping into the night. I am used to such venues, but D was clearly having a panic attack, and saying it was the most hard-core folk venue he had ever set foot in, and how his leather coat had never seemed more out of place. Not to mention the audi.....

But it was the end of a good weekend - after doing some house work, which I still remembered how to do, taking the dog for a walk in the morning sunshine, I made it into town to buy a book, have coffee and croissants, gossip and a fun time.....

Also called in to see Laa and Mec in their little cottage for a cup of tea..then as I was settling for a lazy evening in front of the TV, my lovely friend Jacky rang and asked if she could come round, and of course she could, so we had coffee and chatted and caught up.....lvoely....

I had a good feeling about today too, it was a sunny Sunday and I had a meeting in Witney, near Oxford, about a world music festival with which I am involved...this meant over an hour's drive in the sun, listening to lvoely music and thinking thoughts...very unpressured. After the meeting, I stopped in Oxford services and weakened, having not eaten, and had a burger and fries..I promise, the first I've had in years..and yes, I weakened more and bought a packet of M&Ms to eat in the car.....more driving in the sun, more music, and a lvoley way of spending Sunday. You know, one of those days when you are very happy with your own company????

Then this evening a board meeting of a charity, where D and I are trustees and all has not been going well. I think I was polite in my contributions and didn't actually get violent with anyone. But the frustration drove me to insisting on going for an orange juice and a packet of crisps before going home. If I said something in the meeting, it was ignored, but when D made the same point ten minutes later, the Chair (male, of course,) would think it an important point and take it on board. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Still home now, time to calm down..have I got some chocolate somewhere? Oh, and I must take a picture for Liz..... hang on.....

Still not better yet.....

..keep taking the tablets.....

Well, it made Clive laugh....

..and he doesn't laugh easily. He laughed so much at this cartoon in the paper, and couldn't wait to show me. Then he laughed some more, cut it out of the paper and put it on the notice board in the kitchen. Personally, I can't see why it's funny.....

A good Friday...

Yes, it was a good day, after a mostly good week, except for Thursday when I started to wobble a bit in the evening....I think myself into a black hole sometimes, thinking and thinking, and knowing I should stop, because I feel depression like a black cloud descending...So after work I went and walked the dog and tried to let the spring evening lift my mood.

Coming back home, I involved myself in downloading my pictures to my blog, then watched the TV, and made myself think happier thoughts. I think it was a delayed reaction to the loveliness of last weekend, away among friends, so much anticipated, so much enjoyed, I was very relaxed and didn't get upset once!!!! so by Thursday the 'feel good' factor was wearing thin...

However, I woke up feeling ok this morning, and after a day in the office, met Rosemarie for a swim and I managed 18 lengths, before having a hot shower, then coffee and gossip, which is, after all, the purpose of the outing. We had a good talk and of course, a few laughs, and I say God bless good friends, and it's Saturday tomorrow....you never know, it might be fun.....

This is a test....

Right, I sat on the sofa last night with my new phone newly charged, and took my first picture. Now I have attached phone to lap top and hopefully transferred it. Here goes......


Oh, wow, that is amazing!!! Now, something else I must take a pic of....back soon......

Sorry, had to be done.....

Just to show you it's getting better!!!!!!

It's a mad world......

I know can't blog about my work..if only I could, so much to share, that is sad, exciting, challenging, rewarding..sometimes it does my head in, as they say..yesterday morning involved.... in no particular order, driving my lovely car..now a year old, still love it...sunshine, country side, children...some clean some not so clean......more children, a baby, more children, a dog, then another dog, a cat, a loud budgie, Cbeebie's on all Tvs, two cockateils, a mouse..tears...(not me!)..a variety of human problems...I arrived at the office and went straight to the church cafe next door for a quiet sit and a late breakfast involving a mug of coffee and two, yes two, toasted tea cakes and butter.

Good day..totally fed up of my phone, which has a crap camera, can't hear people on it and the battery holds about five minutes of charge. Thought it would take hours to make a decision, cos I don't do them well, but I wanted to look at the phone Liz has, as a starter, then the salesman whipped his out..his phone that is, keep it clean..why do I think about sex every two point four seconds??? Don't answer that..any way his phone was the same one and he said it was brilliant, so i thought, it must be a sign, I'll buy one, so I did, and now I am studying how to use it......

Off to a Power Point Level Two training day now..if only I could remember what I learned on level One......

The rumours of my incapacity....

..were much exaggerated! How could you take me so seriously? Did you really think a sore finger and a wheezy cough would stop me attending an Ops meeting?????? Oh ye of little faith...I had a great time. Friday evening saw me and DC booking into our hotel, along with D & M, and it was a slight improvement on the Travel Lodge, a class of its own, even if D&M were in the main house and our rooms were in the stables!!!! We got an out of season deal which made it cheaper than the Travel Lodge, and included a very fine breakfast....

Saturday brought us to the Ops meeting which passed peacefully enough, and we managed to get some work done , together with a little catching up on a personal level. Yes, my finger was very sore and displaying some alarming colours, so that the two doctors in attendance were keen to lance it with a needle and generally save my life. I was very reluctant to engage with this procedure, but then decided to accept on the grounds that their concern worried me. I asked the resident GP who thoughtfully had her medical bag in the car, if she would be happy to treat my finger, and she said yes she would. Lovely. Then I forgot, she forgot....and so I still had swollen and throbbing finger.

Happily, as I thought, it kind of took care of itself during Sunday, but as it was still red and sore and the red swelling was tracking round underneath the nail, I decided to do as I was told and seek medical advice. Sorry to bother you with a pathetic sore finger, I told the practice nurse on Monday morning. Mmmm she said, looking at it carefully. Could end up in blood poisoning if we don't treat it ....so now in addition to the inhaler in the mornings, I take the anti-depressants and large penicillin filled horse-pills. Never say I don't take care of myself.....

Saturday evening found us installed in a nearby pub having good food and drink, and relaxing with the few friends who had the stamina to stay over!

Sunday morning was very good....no rush to get up, a lazy breakfast, then a couple of hours in the residents lounge, drinking coffee and catching up with Liz who came in to round off the weekend in a leisurely manner. We had fun watching the crowds of over dressed locals coming in for Sunday lunch. The smell of roast beef and all the trimmings was so tempting..but sadly we had all eaten so much over the weekend, we couldn't face it.

At about half past two we thought we ought to head home, although it was tempting to stay..first we had a little walk around the grounds, befriending a few ducks and a couple of tame peacocks..unfortunately, although I took some pics, my camera phone is fairly crap, so I am relying on the lvoely Liz to provide the photographic evidence....

Oh no....

I didn't have a very good night. Woke coughing and wheezing. Haven't mentioned on my blog, I think, that recently my very mild to non-existent asthma has taken a turn for the worse and I am now a wheezy person and the owner of two 'puffers' as my mum used to call them, a brown steroid one and a blue one, but I'm not totally sure how and when to sue them, and I'm worse at night, and what with that and taking the same anti-depressants my mum used to take, it's downright scary. Not only that but I threw away quite a few after mum died, not realising I would need them!

Also my throat is very slightly sore, and I have a poorly sore finger which I am treating by sitting it in a mug of very hot salty water - not actually this minute, but now and again.

When I did sleep, in the early hours, it was so weird, I found myself in a house where suddenly my parents were there again, in their pyjamas, my mum telling me she couldn't breathe and asking why I hadn't brought her up a cup of tea, so I was in the kitchen doing it, and crying, and telling myself this is only a dream, they have died, but when I took the tea up, no, there they were, and I cried more cos they were ill and we had let mum's place in the home go when she died, so I would have to leave and go back to work, and how would they manage at home? I actually thought of seeing them dead, which I did, so I knew I hadn't imagined it, and I had been to their funerals, but no, here they were needing looking after. I decided to ring my bereavement counsellor, Viv, and ask her what to do!!!! I think this dream is brought on by my secretary having time off to look after her elderly and ill parents, who are taking it in turns to be in hospital or at home needing 24 hour care, and she is looking as stressed as I was this time last year!!!

I am hoping to have most of today off to potter about and do domestic things and iron jeans, etc, but I must go into work for a bit and finish my newsletter..then home to pack and get ready for the weekend away!! Looking forward to it, only feeling weird on account of the dream, the coughing and wheezing, sore throat and poorly red swollen finger. Will probably spend Saturday in the local A&E having my finger lanced!!

Now who would have thought I was an optimist? Clive suggested this morning, when he brought in my tea, and I listed my woes, that I wasn't well enough to go away, and I should stay at home. Answers on a post card.......

Guess what..he's an animal!!!

I encouraged someone we all know and lvoe - oh, make that, most of us know him, anyway....to do the personality tests. He e-mailed me the results. Did I laugh......we all have new nicknames now, and so appropriate.....

**You Are Animal***

A complete lunatic, you're operating on 100% animal instincts.
You thrive on uncontrolled energy, and you're downright scary.
But you sure can beat a good drum.
"Kill! Kill!"

Even if you started out not knowing who I was talking about, I bet you do now......

I nearly forgot about this.....

...Remember two themes in past blogs..one was about me getting a new desk, and how excited I was....and the second was the Chocolate Orange theme - my experience of trying to get into a reluctant orange inspired several chocolate orange themed blogs....

So it was greatly amusing, the day I was clearing out the drawers in my old desk, to find an old Christmas card sent to me not this Christmas, but Christmas 2004, (I don't clear out my drawers much!)by DC, the very person who gave me the chocolate orange..it obviously entertained me so much I kept the card all that time...

I bought it home a couple of months back to scan it for my blog, but the scanner wouldn't work, so I abandoned it. Tonight, scanner somehow magically came alive, and I found this, still inside: priceless:

I had to do this too....

You Are 16% Evil

You are good. So good, that you make evil people squirm. Just remember, you may need to turn to the dark side to get what you want!

How Evil Are You?

I had to do it......

Your Personality Profile

You are dependable, popular, and observant. Deep and thoughtful, you are prone to moodiness. In fact, your emotions tend to influence everything you do. You are unique, creative, and expressive. You don't mind waving your freak flag every once and a while. And lucky for you, most people find your weird ways charming!

The World's Shortest Personality Test

And the end of the AA story is.....

..just to finish off...I texted the lvoely Liz from the back of the truck, 'hello I have just been rescued by the AA after an hour and a half in the cold and rain' kind of text, cos I know it is my duty to amuse and entertain. My mobile phone rang immediately, and when I answered, all I could hear was hysterical laughter. Cheers for your concern, darling.

I rang the hotel and explained our late arrival (eta past 10pm) and asked about food, given that my last taste (apart from half a toffee crisp - see blog)was a couple of sandwiches at 12 noon before the committee meeting. They said (predictably) that they stopped serving at 9pm, but they would save some food for us. When I staggered into the bar at almost 10.30pm, and ordered a coffee, they brought out some beef and cheese and pickle sandwiches. Great. Just what I always wanted.

I got M a pint of beer when he came in after dealing with 'Still no rush' AA man in the car park, and we sat on a comfy sofa, and they re-lit the electric log fire, bless them, and we ate our sandwiches and looked at each other. 'We could have been killed.' said M. Exactly. Praise be that we had not been snuffed out in the middle of a motorway, in the dark, in a car that wouldn't go, surrounded by large and fast lorries. Instead we made it to the hard shoulder, and had simply been mildly inconvenienced. M looked at me. 'Sorry' he said. 'Sorry?' I replied. 'Nothing to say sorry for, I have had a brilliant evening - you shared your toffee crisp.'

Post script: It was my birthday on the Friday, and M and V dropped off two presents. One was a matchbox model of the exact AA tow truck, and the other was..a toffee crisp. Bless.

I couldn't resist it.....

I did it very quickly, just for fun. And the result has made me laugh so much....

You Are Miss Piggy

A total princess and diva, you're totally in charge - even if people don't know it. You want to be loved, adored, and worshiped. And you won't settle for anything less. You're going to be a total star, and you won't let any of the "little people" get in your way. Just remember, piggy, never eat more than you can lift!

The Muppet Personality Test

Not the RAC story....

... But the AA story! Are you sitting comfortably..then I'll begin. I was going on a two day training course 'up north' with the Chair of my charity, M, who also happens to be a personal friend. the course was called 'Leading Your Team' and with 6 other similar couples from other schemes, we were going to spend two days learning and talking about how to work together more effectively. M and I decided to travel up the night before, and even get there early enough to enjoy a relaxing meal in the hotel, and spend time talking over issues - time we rarely have together. I offered to drive, as I have the newer car, but M said no, he really didn't like being driven, so we went in his car.

Which was fine until it broke down whilst doing 70 in the middle lane, funny noise, loss of power, and thankfully a lorry driver let us across to the hard shoulder, or we would have come to a stop in the middle lane, in the dark and rain on a very busy motorway. Not funny....

So M gets out and looks under the bonnet. He gets back in. 'Not sure why I did that, I know nothing about engines.' No, but it seemed the right thing to do. M calls the AA while I think, there goes our peaceful evening and nice dinner..... M has to get out and read a number off a post, as the AA want to know (quite reasonably) where we are. We don't know, it's dark and rainy and we were talking, but we think we passed Stafford.... when M gets back in he tells me the AA will be an hour. Great. He also tells they have advised us not to sit in the car, but wait outside. I laugh, I think he is joking. No, he's not. So I put on my coat and we both get out and I teeter onto the muddy, wet, grassy bank in my best suede boots, and try and make light of the situation, to make M feel better about it all.

I start to regret refusing an earlier toilet stop, standing in the cold and rain, especially when M disappears out of sight to have a pee. I am not crouching in the bushes in the rain for anyone. I'll wait.....

The police stop and talk to us, check on us, and drive away.....I stop being the entertainer eventually, and pull my hood down over my face, tuck my cold hands under my arms and stand with my back to the rain, head down, like those Emperor penguins at the south pole. Or is it north pole?

I stand like that for a while, doing a kind of hibernation thing while the rain pours down, the traffic roars past, and I get colder. Suddenly I hear M's voice in my ear. 'Would you like some of this?' I turn round and look down at what he has in his hand. I reach out to take it, my eyes widening in anticipation. A toffee crisp. He is giving me half of his toffee crisp. As my lips close round the sweet chocolate and crispy inside, I feel so happy, it was worth breaking down for.

The AA man arrives after an hour and twenty minutes. What a nice man. To cut a long story medium, he takes two seconds to decide we can't be mended, and ask where we want to be towed to. To my relief, M decided to head on to our destination, an hour away, rather than two and a half hours back to St Albans.

Another half hour watching 'No rush then' AA man fix M's car to the back of the tow truck, and he eventually opens the rear cab door and invites me in. By now I can't feel my hands or feet. I climb up two steps and pull myself into the back seat of the truck, about four foot off the ground.

AA man says he is going to stop at the next service station to put the back board and lights on. Good, I say, as I am so desperate for the loo now. He stops in the car park and I ask if I have time to go to the loo. He says, yes, and I thought you might want to get a drink. Oh, yes, I say, a hot coffee, would you like one? Oh, go on, love, you've twisted my arm. In my enthusiasm to reach the warmth and comfort of the cafe, I open the door and step out, forgetting I am four feet off the ground. I plummet like a brick, in a Mrs Doyle kind of style of exiting an AA truck, and am quickly on the ground. M and the AA man turn round slowly from the front of the cab and chorus, 'Are you ok?' Yes, I say, picking myself up...bu**er, I knew I was desperate for a pee.....oops.....

When I get back with the coffees and clamber back in, as I shut the door, I see a notice printed along the door panel. And I quote..'Danger. Do not attempt to exit this cab without the assistance of the driver.' Now they tell me.

Is it time now???

Sorry, is it time for a little something? I have taken the hint..well 12 hints actually, thank you for your comments and for missing me! Trouble is after not blogging for a while and so much going on, I didn't know where to begin, I have been so up and down emotionally, and my blogging comes so much from the heart that I am tempted to pour it all out here, and really.......be grateful I haven't!!!! (remember, Sally, this is not a private diary........)

To be fair, the beginning of my not blogging was because suddenly I had a life, and I was actually too busy to blog!!!

The day after my last blog I went to the theatre where I work as a 'casual' technician to say goodbye to Simon, the Tech Manager, who has now gone to Australia for a new life outside Potters Bar. He used to manage a tribute band, The Beautiful Housemartins, or Beautiful Southmartins, you get the picture, and they came and played a final gig for his leaving party. They were very good, I listened, sang, had a dance with Simon who was very drunk, and he said he would miss me 'in a different way from the rest of the tech crew'. Given the rest of the crew are all blokies ranging from 17 to about 30 (except Gary who is old like me) and very geekie techie....mmm yes I guess I am different, but what could he mean..he said we had worked well together - which we always did - but hadn't really got to know each other personally, but he knew there was more to me than meets the eye....yes, well, I told you he was drunk.

But Simon had been there for 6 years, I liked him and worked well with him, he had taught me a lot, and the rest of the guys are much newer, and as I work there so rarely, I don't feel part of the team really..in fact I hardly spoke to them at the party, they were all standing in corners drinking beer and being geeky and techie. You know me, I love working in the theatre, but now I do it for fun and for camaraderie and being a part of a team, and I wanted to be with them all and have a dance and a laugh..instead I felt that Simon going was the end of an era..especially when he told me the new Tech Manager was only 26 (and a guy, obviously)..and thought maybe I should hang up my leatherman and call it a day..consequently when I said goodbye to Simon and slipped out of the party, it felt very sad and like the end of something big in my life, and so I cried all the way home.

You see how tough this is? A long blog and I am only up to Sunday, March 12th??? And try as I do, I can't help sharing all the thoughts and feelings that are so painful, I feel so emotionally raw, like I haven't got a skin, and even the smallest things hurt so much...I really don't want to be like this...but when I just try and get on with life and work, and keep the emotion inside, it starts to hurt physically, like now I have stomach pain... well, that's enough for now!

Oh happy day.....

..oh happy day..to come to blog world and find that lots of my blog friends have been blogging, and there is lots for me to read!!!! What did I do before blog world was in my life?? Oh, that fateful Angel's weekend when PAB introduced its mysteries to me.....I lvoe the fact that it keeps me in touch with so many people, and gives me a glimpse into their world...

This week has been mixed and busy. The husband has been unwell with man flu and a bad back..so bad he had to stay in bed on Tuesday, and I promised to return at lunchtime and minister with soup and lemsip. Then I got a text from Dave Sh offering pizza, and I was off like a shot. Such a tart. So easy. Offer food and I'm anybody's. When I got back to the office at 2pm I rang home to explain work had delayed me (tut tut!) to find no answer. After ringing several times, and knowing I had left Clive in bed with the phone, puzzled, I rang his mobile. He answered. He had gone out. I reminded him I was about to come home specially to do his lunch. I know, he said, I've left you a note saying where I have gone....so I stopped feeling guilty about not driving home in the pouring rain to be a good wife.....

His back got worse and on Thursday I was curled up on the sofa having my post-work nap when the phone rang. It was Clive from the car. Can you help me get out, I'm stuck? So I went out to try and prize him out of his sporty Peugeot bucket seat. Perhaps it's time, now he is 60 to buy a car he can get in and out of.

He managed to go to work Friday because I dressed him and put on his socks and shoes. He has reluctantly at last made a doctor's appointment for Monday, but only because he 'has the time this week.' I explain he will have all the time in the world if he can't move..and they say women are illogical.....

Back to earth....

..not with a bang, but a whimper. Yes, the weekend was good, real and sustaining. Work is busy, challenging, rewarding, frustrating, enjoyable, and lots of other things, but of course I am no longer allowed to talk about work on my blog. Which is a shame because I would love to continue sharing stuff with you, the highs and lows etc etc, but there it is......

But back to earth, because the other stuff, the relationship stuff, continues to be hard. I am in no-man's land really, waiting, practising patience - trusting God?? and giving space to someone else. Where will it end? Who knows. I am doing really, really well..but if I should fall...please be there to catch me.

J's relationship with H has ended. he has madde a most difficult and heartbreaking decision, and he feels terrible...dreadful, but ultimately he feels he has made the right decision. How H must be feeling, having made the move over here from the States, you can imagine. J feels so bad that he doesn't deserve ever to find happiness with anyone. He is my bo6y, I admire him for making a tough decision and trying toi behave honestly and honourably...having struggled with this for a long time. They both need prayers too.

By the way, some of his designs are now 'out there' in the press and in the H*bit*t stores. Look out for his name, JP, and of course, buy his furniture, they may well be collectors items in the future....

Fun with tongues......

...Caroline forgot to mention that. She bought space dust. So there was that wonderful moment when she, Liz and I were sitting together, all with our tongues out, feeling the space dust fizz and pop and crack and explode on our tongues...sorry, there is no photo of this bizarre moment..... you had to be there....

It was the best weekend I have had for a long time. Sitting down to chat and catch up, starting at 6pm Friday night, and finishing at almost 5am Saturday morning..that's almost 12 hours non stop talking, and it was effortless, simply effortless.

We ate a lot, lovely food, talked a lot and slept a bit. The sky was vivid blue, the sun shone, the hotel staff were more wonderful than any I have known (the difference between Gloucester and Cheltenham?) The Cotswold countryside was beautiful and stunning.

Did I mention that we laughed? Can't remember what about (and if i can remember, I'm not telling). Sorry to the blokey who rang to complain about the sexist nature of the weekend. It was just about spending time with people you want to spend time with, and don't often get the chance. Did I manage to shock Liz? If not shock, worry a little anyway... and she didn't make me cry once.

I drove home feeling peaceful. I slept well. I had a good day today. I talked about the weekend in bereavement counselling and smiled and didn't cry. You know, good friends are so good for one's mental health...even if someone did wake up on Sunday morning shouting, 'It's Christmas! Happy Christmas.....'

Oh nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo............

How could I be so stupid? I broke all my own rules. I am Not Thinking Clearly. I am a Bear of Very Little Brain. I have a love hate relationship with my hair (ok, all those who don't want to read shallow blogs about hair or shoes etc turn away now), I think most women do. I don't like it short. I like it long. I always used to have it long. These days, being of a certain age, I have it shorter, but I still like the feeling of having hair to flop over my face. (Why? Sorry, this is not a therapy session.)

It had got long, a bit thick, out of shape and was dominating my face. Well, all of me. An out of control bob which had gone a bit bushy. Some days I liked it. I made an appointment two weeks ago for a cut, but had such a bad day, the Saturday I kind of collapsed, I had to ring and cancel. I was in no fit state.

So I have left it. I have not been at my best this week, still fighting depression, and made a decision this was not the time to deal with my hair. But I had this big dinner last night - an Investors in People Award dinner where I was going to be presented with our award for winning IIP status last year. Smart event. Networking with Important People. Talking to people. Going up to get one's award in front of everyone. Now most of you know that would not phase me one bit. I thrive on such things. But when you are so fat you can't get into any of your smart clothes, you are feeling so low that you don't want to speak to anyone on the planet....(well, not quite true...aye there's the rub) and in the morning your hair looks a mess.....

So yes, I broke my rules. a. Had my hair cut three hours before going out to an Event. My rule is three days minimum to get used to a new cut. b. Was so desperate went accepted an appointment from someone I didn't know. A stylist. Not even a senior stylist. I did ask, does she cut well. And they said yes, so that was ok. Dur.....

So in I went. Don't take anything or not much off the front, please trim the back into shape and layer it slightly. Yes, she said. As she stared cutting, I said, how much are you taking off the back? She showed an inch or so between finger and thumb. OK I said. I stared into the mirror as she was cutting and sad, empty eyes stared back. A young girl with very, very, long thick dark hair was having a trim next to me, long bouncy layers which curled around her face and shoulders and down her back. Young. Pretty. Long hair. I closed my eyes.

When I opened them I flinched. Where had my hair gone? The sides. Layered and shorn. The back, layered and short. 'I have no hair left,' I said, clutching at the sides. 'How short do you like your fringe?' she said, approaching with the scissors. 'I like it left very long' I said, moving away. They all looked at me, these trendy young hairdressers, smiling, as I paid, stony faced willing myself not to cry in front of them.

I go home and look in the mirror. The tears started..I was going for the full upset. But wait...you have a Dinner to go to in one hour. You can go looking as ok as possible, with horrible hair wearing - what?? or you can go with horrible hair and red puffy eyes..which is it to be?

So I busied, ironing things, trying on things, (how smart will other people be? Will everyone be in suits? I'm too fat for my suits..) I found an outfit I was happy with. I did good makeup. I found a chunky trendy necklace. I looked in the mirror and thought..you'll be ok.

Funnily enough I had a good evening - I felt lighter, different. Not weighed down by hair. Mark said it looked nice. (My Chair.)

I drove home full of nice dinner, I even had my photograph taken for publicity - boy I am going to hate that appearing - but I did it, accepted my award - a small silver clock for my desk - and drove home.

I put my head round Clive's door, he was reading in bed. He never, ever notices my hair cuts or colour. Oh, he said, you've had your hair cut short. I don't like the whispy bits at the front. Then, after a pause, Actually I like it. It's different. Your face looks better.

So that's ok then. I have just got up and washed and blow dried it read to go to work. What does it look like? Dreadful! I am going to buy colour today and make it different again..why not?

I know, there are wars on, people starving, people dying. It's only hair. It will grow. I know. Sorry to blog on about it. But it's a tiny, weeny bit important to me..........

A good evening

What makes a good evening? Something good following a bad week...one of the bad things was running a Parenting Programme on Wednesday evening - no actually that was good because it was only session 3 and already those parents have made huge strides in dealing with what they thought were impossible problems: the session had a real sharing, successful, feel-good factor, and it was one of the best things of the week for me - what made it bad was it was on Wednesday, and yet again I couldn't make it up to London for Steve Lawson's gig. Attendance this year - nil. Will I make it in March? I hope so. Will Steve please stop planning gigs on the only evening of the week I am busy? Thank you.

Anyway, I digress..last night was good because I have spent so many evenings in front of the TV watching cr*p simply to avoid dealing with life..(The Antiques Road Show doesn't count - it's timeless, traditional Sunday evening watching) last night I watched Gideon's Daughter - had me tranfixed from beginning to end with the quality of the acting, the writing, the creativity....who would have thought up a painful, poignant scene where the actors are both holding guinea pigs? And that song...what words, how beautifully sung, I would also watch it obsessively over and over....even Bill Nighy managed to find a stillness in that role, and avoid the usual comic twitches..the use of silence, and looks that said everything....and Miranda Richardson, when she was overcome with grief outside the church.....that wasn't acting...it was brilliant...

Anyway, then I came to bed, and finished my book, Eve Green...a first novel by the author, beautifully told, and that slight feeling of sadness when you read the last line of a book, and close the page, because you've finished it...have to start a new one tonight....

Snap!

Reader, I installed my DAB radio. I cleaned and tidied the little shelf above my bed, moved my mum's radio to James' room, and placed my little radio/fridge/dishwasher/washing machine/microwave (see Caroline's blog for a pic) and plugged it in. I need to peruse the instruction leaflet to see how I actually make it function as a digital radio..but at least I have got it telling the right time..... then later I read C's blog and discovered that she has also installed her identical radio in her bedroom! Great minds think alike.

Had the most stressful dog walk ever yesterday when Jill and I were so busy talking that we lost our dogs. Sophie was found walking home - having crossed a busy main road - and Harry was picked up by a nice lady who bought him home by car. How Sophie didn't get killed going home on her own I will never know..the same wonderful good fortune that preserved Laura on the two occasions she ran into the road as a tiny tot. Actually..three....someone was really looking after her on those occasions. I was feeling so very low yesterday, like things can't get worse. After I was reunited with Sophie, I thought, someone is telling you to count your blessings..appreciate what you have got, instead of what you haven't..and your lovely, loyal, licky, waggy tailed dog is one of them.

Not having a good time..

..not a good time a the moment..I'll spare you the details..prayers and hugs please...and the news tonight, about the baby killed by its parents..I know I'm not allowed to talk about my work..but many of the families I work with are vulnerable..and they do cause worry...when do you pass things on, when do you wait and see, when do you take action, when do you over-react un-necessarily, when do you not do enough....volunteers come and talk to me, quite rightly, and the buck stops here.....thank goodness it's the weekend, I need it...and next weekend especially so!

Chocolate, tea and bobbing....

I have come home slightly early, and am curled up on the sofa with a cup of tea, a bar of whole nut and the two women bob on the TV. Almost as exciting as the curling! I definitely have hibernating, squirrel like aspirations until at least May.....

Slept well last night, sheer emotional exhaustion! Woke in the early hours to go to the loo and what was playing in my head? 'If I were a rich man' sung by Topol, from Fiddler on the Roof. I went to see Fairport Convention on Friday, have been listening to their album in the car.....and that is what my head plays at night...so very, very bizarre. And the dreams, don't get me going on the bizarre dreams I have...

Was co-facilitating some workshops today at a conference...had to run the same workshop 3 times. I walk in, and who is sitting in my first workshop but my bereavement counsellor who saw me for a hour last night being a complete emotional wreck! Excellent...sure she is just as surprised to see me!!!

Was a good day. Feel I have earned my early finish and sofa time. Any excuse.....

Another anniversary...

Didn't go to work this morning. Decided I needed some 'duvet' time and also rang C to wish her well for Salisbury and probably made her late in the process. Sorry! Wished my dad a happy birthday and looked at some photos...rang my mum's sister in Bristol who, on hearing my voice, said, This time last year we were with your dad eating cake and celebrating his 80th! We were..and he was asking what we were doing there, and when were we going to go home and leave him in peace....

I was on the phone nearly an hour, we both cried a bit, but we talked about mum and dad and past memories. I realised that is what I needed..no-one here is really able to talk about them, so I don't..and I needed to know I wasn't the only one keeping them in my thoughts. I think I'm not doing well, but I went to work this afternoon and then to bereavement counselling, and my counsellor reassures me I am really doing very well! So that's all right then.

I did something positive yesterday. We are free this Easter, for the first time in four years, so I have booked a little hotel in the country, for me Clive and Sophie dog to get away and do some walking..I actually made a decision and booked it! Shropshire, here we come! (Well, in April, anyway...)

Oh how I laughed.....

This picture on Caroline's blog made me laugh, because I was just about to blog about my DAB radio..it is identical! I was given it for Christmas by a friend, not a million miles away from where I live (mmm..must speak to him about the 'near bottom of the range' comment...cheapskate).

I had no idea what the gift was except the card said it was something to help my sleepless nights..as I started to open it, and take it out of the box - watched by fascinated children....the side came out first, white, with this circle in the middle...a very small washing machine. For washing my smalls in the middle of the night when I can't sleep. No, said James, it's a dishwasher.....no, it's actually a microwave for heating midnight snacks..... we all ended up with tears rolling down our cheeks..it is really white and plastic and we could not believe it when we realised if was a DAB radio. The top loading washing machine lid is actually for top loading CDs.

I have to admit I haven't yet installed it in my bedroom, which was the plan..I haven't worked out how to use it as a radio, but it does a great quick wash.....(miaow..)

Caroline, get it out of the box..it is so entertaining..we can both own one, and Liz.......what are you waiting for?

Oh, the swollen eyes.....

I don't look good this morning. (Do I ever?) But did so much crying yesterday my eyes are more than puffy, practically closed over. What was it about..complicated..lots of things..my excuse was that it was my mum's birthday, she would have been 81, and tomorrow would have been my dad's birthday. At least we celebrated his 80th last year. But I have done a year now, and i tought it was ok..... maybe it was hormones, that's another excuse, maybe I was mourning something else..a life I want but can't have... I was alone all day and that was ok, I like my own space, I had things to do..but the well of sadness got deeper all day until when I let myself cry..I couldn't stop, and I thought I would never stop..I had to go with it, but the more I cried the more sad I got, mourning all the losses and wanting something/someone who can't be there for me....

James rang to say he was coming over in the evening, and he knew from the short phone call all was not well. Next minute Laura arrives, alerted by an emergency call from her brother, to make me tea and sit with me while I cry. I really wished he hadn't called her, I didn't want to ruin her weekend - or anyone's, but she was lvoely and stayed for ages and talked and listened and tried to understand my sadness even though I can't explain it... then James arrived and we had more tea and more hugs..Laura left the room for a minute, happy in the knowledge that I had stopped crying and was better, but when she came back, humming happily, she found her brother crying....her little face!!!! James still doesn't know what to do about his relationship, ahd had a week off work to 'think' but is no further forward, except more unsure, more guilty and more upset.

You know me, I love to entertain, keep people happy, I'll do anything for a laugh, anything, so I scored 100% by showing them my new teeth...well, you have to laugh, otherwise you'd cry......

By the time Clive came home in the evening from hard day at an exhibition, he found us busy, me lighting the log fire, and James and Laura off to buy food and rent a dvd for a cosy family evening in. They came back with a film Laura had chosen, she thinks she saw it once on a plane, a romantic comedy, so we all settle down in front of the fire with our chinese and pizza and watch 'The Perfcet Catch'..... which is set in Boston, so it is full of places James recognises and has been to with H.....and it's about a couple whose relationship is on and off until they get together in the end in spite of all their differences...'Good choice' I say to Laura, as we are painfully aware James has watched stony face throughout. (Watching his face and Laura's face during the film was entertaining...... ) Still, it gave us something to giggle about.

Sunday morning. James has brought me breakfast in bed. Time to get up and shower, bathe my eyes and face the day.

What music do you play in your head?

I wake up during the night or in the morning, and there is music playing in my head. Not the music I have been listening to during the day, but random songs. For instance, recently I had Away in a Manger playing, then the next night it was Kathy Kirby singing Secret Love (which I haven't heard for years): I wouldn't mind but I had been listening to an Art Garfunkel CD in the car. Please tell me if it happens to you, and if you have any idea where these random tunes come from......

Quiet night in tonight, been searching on the internet for somewhere to go and stay over Easter, with Sophie dog (and Clive!) to relax, walk and have a change of scene. So much choice, so many decisions, it's been hard...

Looking forward to tomorrow night. Taking Rosemarie to the Arena to see Fairport Convention, one of my favourite bands..after we have been out to eat first, of course. I need a distraction - James is having a very hard time, but is being very 'blokey' and has had a week off work and is not communicating with anyone..maybe he needs this time to think, but he is very low and upset, and it's hard not being able to do anything. Prayers and thoughts and good vibes are needed - not to make sure he makes the right decision, how can we ever know what that is - but the decision which seems right to him just now, but may be very hard and painful to make.

Don't you just hate it when that happens?

I worked hard on that blog. Put my soul into it. And added a picture. Press publish - all gone. Sorry, just couldn't be a***ed to write it all again. In brief: went to nice Italian restaurant with Laura, ate lots, then went to cinema (no room for chocolate...) saw Memoirs of a Geisha. Enjoyed it. The end. I think I wrote something about the film, atmosphere, music, role of women in society..blah blah, sorry it's all gone.

Curled under a duvet on the sofa late Sunday afternoon with a bar of chocolate and a cup of tea and watched Forget Paris, a romantic comedy starring Debra Winger and Billy Crystal. It was lovely.

Then cooked the large joint of beef bought in the rain a the farmer's market that morning. It was off. Oh the smell. felt quite nauseous while it was cooking..didn't help when the dog puked on the carpet just before I served up. The roast potatoes were nice......

Tonight- oh tonight - went with friends to a concert at the Alban Arena. I knew I'd hate it, but hell, what else to do with Valentines' evening? It was more dire than I can tell you. A Viennese Strauss evening. It finished early. It's only redeeming feature.

And God has found a way of making sure I diet. A way to make sure that I only eat if I absolutely have to. And even then it will be soup. I can't tell you what it is, but I am being punished for a lifetime's addiction to chocolate.

Seen the film, didn't read the book.....

not a bad week....

..considering I was really down on Monday and cried through most of my counselling session. But I bought the most wonderful fish and chips after, for my tea, and watched Life on Mars which made me laugh out loud......I love it.....

Tuesday evening I had a training session at the theatre with all the crew. I had worked on Sunday, arranging the lighting for the afternoon Tea Dance, which involved climbing the tallescope to change gels in lights up on the ceiling. I'm not frightened of heights, I don't mind actually being up there, it's more the climbing up and down and getting in and out of the railed platform at the top I don't like. Still, having focused the lights, I was able to then plot them on the lighting board and make the floor look pretty for the Oldies who would come to the tea dance...and satisfy the DJ, who is at least 85, and very fussy about his lighting!

The training session involved discussing health and safety procedures, back stage security, and learning how to tie various Useful Knots in lengths of rope. I was chuffed to realise that I learned the knots quicker than some of the younger male tech crew members, and was helping them to master them. I felt a bit like a scout leader! After messing about with some dodgy speakers, and standing round trying to sound knowledgeable about what might be wrong, it was 10 o'clock, and the whole crew retired to the pub for a beer. Except the sad, oldest crew member who went home to bed, a coffee and her book..I know I should have joined them, in the interests of being sociable...but my warm bed was calling....

Last night I ran the second session of my current Parenting Programme with parents young enough to be my children!!! and then today I went on a Child Protection training course. Can't believe it, ate my lunch with a police officer while we discussed the details of a recent baby rape case......unbelievable on all counts..

Rounded the day off by meeting my friend R for an orphans outing which involved coffee and shopping. Not as much buying as I would have liked, but we did try.....

The home for beans on toast and to watch an old episode of Judge John Deed I had missed. Splendid.

Sorry about the peace and quiet....

..but there are folks round here who have been much worse than me at blogging! Some people haven't blogged since Christmas! Come on back, I miss you.......

I know, I haven't blogged since just after midnight on Tuesday..originally it was because I was busy, but on Friday morning things went downhill and I lost heart to blog....looking on the bright side, it's my first bad days for a few weeks, and they are bound to happen now and again.

I shouldn't be down, I have such lvoely friends, such as the very lvoely Caroline. I was in work on Wednesday when a man delivered a big box, and I elbowed my way in front of my secretary in a childish 'I want to open it' kind of way, although I suspected it may only be stationery, I love opening things and I lvoe stationery,..but then I saw it wasn't addressed to the company, but me as an individual. So I started to get more excited, cos I knew I hadn't ordered anything..what could it be....

There was lots of lvoely bubble wrap and then boxes wrapped and tied with yards of pink ribbon..from Wh*tt*rds the famous coffee company...three boxes, containing a variety of lvoely goodies in purple tissue paper...de-caf fruit teas, de-caf fresh coffee, a mug and marshmallows, and a box of hot chocolate, chocolate biscuits, and chocolate flakes. And a card saying..'Sleep well, love Caroline.' By this time the office was a sea of bubble wrap, wrapping paper, ribbon and tissue paper, and came in thinking she had missed my birthday! Ho, it was just a happy Wednesday present. Do I feel guilty cos all I got C for Christmas is another sodding giraffe........

So I promise not to feel low and want to hide in bed (I didn't get up til mid-day on Saturday!): it sounds really, really stupid I know, but I have had so many years of having to go to Bristol, now that I have my life back, I'm not sure what to do with it. Before, I didn't have to think....I just did. But while I am thinking, I can have the most gorgeous cup of hot chocolate with real chocolate flakes on......

Out and about......

What a busy bunny I have been. First, dog walking with Peter and Jacky on Saturday, followed by tea, biscuits and a good chat as usual. Then, Sunday morning, I decided to go to church. No pressure, so it was my decision. It was ok. Then home for a coffee followed by a dog walk with Jill and Harry (Jill being my friend, Harry Sophie's young boyfriend) in the sunshine - a cold crisp but beautiful afternoon.

Then, amazingly, like being invited round to Buckingham Palace for tea, we got an invite to Laa and Mec's for afternoon tea, which was very pleasant, haven't caught up with them in a while.

Sad news on Monday from James, who is having a rough ride at the moment, love life wise; he and H are 'having a break' to think, and there is great upset on all sides. I have done a bit of telephone counselling, and have also texted H to offer support as I am trying to be caring and not take sides. On the plus side, James has been offered another year's contract with H*bit*t and apparently has a mention for one of his designs and a name check in this month's W*rld of Interi*rs magazine. Y'all rush out to buy it now!

Tonight Clive, Jill, Ian and I went to see Robert Lepage's new one man play at the Barbican, 'The Anderson Project.' Amazing. What an imagination. What creativity. Makes me feel sluggish and lazy. In one of those amazing coincidences, in the restaurant beforehand I bumped into one of my dramatherapy tutors from my Post Grad more than 10 years ago. We said hello and moved on. The Barbican was packed out - hundreds of people. When the lights went up at the end of the show and we turned to leave, the same tutor and his partner were sitting in the seats next to us, I hadn't realised. Small thing, but how incredible, really???

The play was two hours without an interval. It was riveting, stunning. And yes, I still managed to have a little sleep in the middle......

About the diet...

On Monday, which was a good day, I said I was going on a diet and giving up chocolate. Caroline said she gave it til Wednesday. Clearly she over estimates my willpower. It lasted until Tuesday, when I had a bit of a bad day. I had chocolate biscuits. Wednesday I had chocolate cake (not my fault, they put it out for lunch on my training course) and there were chocolate buttons on the table too (I do hope the others didn't want any) then on the way home I was incredibly sleepy and I had to pull off and go and buy a coffee, and somehow a couple of packets of M&Ms got into the bag.

Thursday I bought petrol and a bar of Cadbury's Dairy milk crept in, and on Friday the lovely man who gave me the chocolate orange last week gave me a dark chocolate bounty...now they are very hard to find, but when we do, we know the rules..we have to buy a couple. I ate it in the car before I got home.

Today, Saturday, I popped out for bread and dog food, and somehow an iced ring donut came home with me.... come to think of it, this diet really isn't going well, is it?

If I am not going to be a new slim me, then I have become a new slightly red/auburn me as I was bored this morning and dyed my hair.

Sorry, I will try and think of something to make my blog more thought provoking/arty/political ....hang on while I have a chocolate biscuit and think about it...

Such a busy week.....

Work is so busy. Not enough hours in the day. Was on a training course on Weds, an hour or so up the A1. I was - unsurprisingly - acutely conscious of the speed limits. It made for an irritating drive. All the way the speed limit varied between 30 and 60 then unrestricted - not actually sure if that still means 60 on an A road, or 70?? - but it meant I was constantly slowing down or speeding up, sometimes just for yards, one minute 50, oops now 30, oh this bit 60, and so it went on. I seemed to have a queue of irritated drivers behind me who all then overtook me on the slow bits. Should I have a notice on my back window saying 'Sorry, but I have 12 points.' Er, perhaps not, on reflection, it might make me a bit of a target for bored policemen... on the other hand, that could be fun.....

Finished the day off with a finance meeting which finished at 11.30pm. Which meant when at a meeting yesterday afternoon, during a fairly boring presentation I was nodding off.... I was alone last night, (just for a change) so changed into my jim jams and curled up on the sofa with a large coffee, a packet of digestives, the dog (yes I broke my rule about dogs on the sofa. I needed a cuddle) and watched...um...Hotel Babylon. Oh dear...then, being sleepy and very sensible - Caroline do you hear this - being sensible went to bed at 10.15pm. Went to sleep. Woke at 1am, 3 am, 5am and finally 6.30am when I gave up trying to sleep. Think I am suffering from night starvation....

It went like clockwork!

Yes, it went fine. Clive and I went early over to the charity in Hatfield and dropped the desks off. Yesterday morning I didn't know what on earth to do with them, the suddenly both were wanted, and Clive and I cleared them out of the office, put up new shelves, and there I was at 10 to 9 on my way to the office, bright and early, ready to clear a space for the desks which were due to arrive mid-morning - I asked the company to ring and give us half an hour's notice to make sure we were ready!

As I approached the roundabout towards town, looked right and what did I see but a certain Audi coming on to the roundabout to go straight across in front of me, headed towards the station. Given that the Audi driver knows my little silver polo well, I felt sure he would see me, I waved, and thought, hey what a gentleman, he might even let me across the roundabout first! As I pulled out, so did the Audi, at speed, so I braked hard and got a sideways look from the driver that said, 'My right of way I think' as he sped off towards the station. I stopped waving. Funny, I had been feeling happy til that moment. Now I felt very small and ignored. Not recognised. No space in someone's busy life. I felt really tearful. Now how stupid is that? And I had been doing so well for quite few days now. The incident has grown in my head all day, as a metaphor for my life......

Anyway, I pulled up outside the office, and there sitting waiting for me was a nice man in a white van come to assemble two desks. So much for mid-morning with a warning phone call! I ran around moving stuff and making tea (as you do) while he carried in piles of boxes of wood and desk bits - by the time N and M-A arrived the office was a sea of assembling parts, and we had no choice but to stand and chat cos we couldn't do any work!

I had meetings this morning, but all afternoon I spent unpacking my bits and files and in-trays and trying to be tidy. M-A loves her new desk and shelving and was happily re-arranging all day.

By 4pm I was flagging and desperately tired and feeling strangely sad..I had such high hopes of my new desk, but somehow it seemed..well...an anti-climax. Well, I was tired, I had worked at the office all the previous evening, and been up early...goodness, I felt I had earned an early night, so I bid M-A farewell at 4.30pm and headed home for a long, hot bath, and a cup of tea and a few biscuits, followed by a snooze on the sofa.

There I have lain all night, with the dog, (I broke the rule about doggies not sleeping on the sofa, but she is so warm and cuddly....) She slept, I watched 'Crocodile Dundee.' One from the past!

I returned Sophie's devotion by a late night walk round the block, on a gorgeous misty, clear frosty night. We both enjoyed it.

Oh, I left someone a voice mail earlier, saying, 'You're not very observant are you?' He rang back later. 'You weren't the one in the silver VW who tried to cut me up on the roundabout, were you? Sorry, didn't see you, I was running late for the train.....''

I am so excited.....

..really I am...we are getting new desks at work tomorrow! I have ordered two new desks, one for me and one for M-A, big oak desks with right hand returns on, to give us more working /pc space. Sounds impressive but they are basic and not too expensive, and the man is coming to build them and install them tomorrow. As someone for whom the prospect of a new book or new pen is almost orgasmic, then a new desk..well, the earth will really move.

Clive and I have spent the evening at my office (we know how to have fun!) putting the old desks in his van to take to another charity in the morning - I had the brainwave of e-mailing round this morning as I didn't want to dump the desks, and ten seconds after sending it, this charity rang and asked to have them..Result! We have also fitted shelving on the wall above M-A's desk so that files and books can go up there, leaving her more work space. I even washed the wall as it was looking grubby. I am so good to my staff!

I put an extra shelf up in the meeting/training room and reorganised all the files in there, so it looks neat and tidy. Tomorrow I shall attempt to do that in my own space, and keep my new desk clean and tidy. Goodness, I do like this new burst of energy and tidying and organising mood that has come over me! Perhaps it could even extend to my house.....

Took a bowl of my home-made vegetable soup to Rosemarie to have for her lunch (and chocolates for after) and had a bowl myself, with a brown bread roll and no butter. I have to confess to eating a large piece of Christmas cake with my cup of tea while watching Neighbours, but I have had no chocolate today. Oh sorry, I promise not to become a diet bore.....

Must go to bed..only one sleep and it will be time to go to work and take delivery of a new desk..oh, did I mention that?

Well, it had to happen.....

Yes, it had to happen sooner or later. Reality check. Trying on bras in M&S yesterday, in a mirrored changing room...not a pretty site....stepping on the scales this morning and realising I am just a pound or so of my all time high...trying on clothes for work and not being able to do them up..seeing Sunday Style on TV this morning instead of going to church (James and Hilary's fault...) seeing people doing things with their lives, taking control, exercising, controlling what they eat, losing weight and feeling a whole lot better because of it.

Someone telling me that with the amount of sugar I put in to my body am at risk of diabetes. how true..my dad got that in later years...together with a wish to get the old Sally back, well as near as possible, the one that had energy and enthusiasm.... feeling this weekend as last weekend, the strange feeling of really not having to go to Bristol to see my parents or clear the house or actually have to do anything..and what I am choosing to do is sorting stuff out in the house, washing, cleaning, ironing, cooking nourishing meals, making soup, walking the dog...all part of cleansing and moving on. Controlling my diet and losing weight will be part of that process. Won't be easy, but it's not possible to live on chocolate and biscuits for ever and like what I see in the mirror..nor is it healthy. So this is me reclaiming my life, finding out who I am again and choosing what I want to do.

Just at this minute it is to go to bed with my coffee and read the Sunday papers.....night.

Tap and unwrap..yeah, right....

So I am prepared to leave work, on Tuesday, drive home, finish packing and get a cab to the station to get the train to Bristol. In the morning however, I speak to a certain person on the phone who tells me he will be driving from North Yorkshire to St Albans, by mid day and he will happily give me a lift to the station. Fine.

About half past one he rings to say he left later than planned, (surprise) but will be back by three thirty latest, he just has a half hour conference call from 4 to 4.30 but will be in plenty of time to take me to the station. Hmmmm. I say, if I haven't heard from you by 20 to 5 I will call a cab, otherwise I will miss my train. Fine, he says.

I leave work, finish packing, make sure I have all my paperwork for court, driving licence, train tickets, and realise I am starting to get quite stressed about the whole thing. It's an added stress worrying about catching trains and crossing London and catching connections....

Anyway, half past four come and goes, twenty to five comes and goes and by now I am stressed and fuming, I really don't need this kind of support. In desperation I ring his mobile and he answers, saying cheerily, 'I am on my way!' I slam the phone down and five minutes later am still stood on the pavement with my bag and at ten to five he arrives. 'Hello,' he says happily getting out the car.

'I said if I didn't hear from you by 20 to 5 I would call a cab. How did I know you were even back from Yorkshire?'

'Well I am, I finished my conference call just after 4.30 and here I am, what's the problem?'

Screaming mad lady: 'Yes, but I didn't know that. If you don't let me know how am I supposed to know you're not f*****ing late as usual? I really don't need the stress.'

So we drive to the station in silence, me trying to calm down, him wondering what he has done wrong exactly. 'Sorry' he says quietly. Then, 'I bought you a chocolate orange to eat on the train .' Damn.

So anyway, the chocolate orange story. I put it safely in my bag, where it stayed til I got on the Bristol train at Paddington. I sat by the window, opposite a lady and then a man sat next to me. (Note..we were all doing Sudokus. How sad is that!) I had a bottle of water and my chocolate orange. That would do nicely until 7.30pm when the lovely Caroline would meet me and we would go out for dinner.

I quietly unwrapped the orange. Mmmm it smelt good. It was also slightly warm and therefore kind of stuck together. I tried to prise a segment or two apart with my fingers. Failed. Got slightly sticky. Tapped orange lightly on chair arm. Failed. Tapped harder. My fellow travellers looked at me. I popped the orange back in its paper and returned it to my handbag, not wishing to look desperate. The journey continued. I could smell the chocolate. After a while I got it out again and had another go. Solid as. Rummaged frantically in my bag, hunting for a nail file. Nothing. Put orange away again. It doesn't matter, I'll be there in a hour, I can wait.

Time passes. The chocolate orange smells amazing. I start to get a panic attack. I have chocolate with me I can't eat. It's torture. I consider sending abuse text messages to David, this is all his fault, why can't he just buy me a large bar of dairy milk? No, he has to be bloody clever and buy a chocolate orange.

I consider my options. I'll stand up and ask everyone in the carriage if they have a pen knife. I'll ask the man to move, squeeze out and walk six carriages to the buffet car and get a knife. I take the orange out and look at it. I consider if I can just try and cram it into my mouth in one go, will the lady opposite notice? The man gets off at Swindon.

I get the orange out once again and this time I can't wait. There is a tiny hole in the top where the segments meet. I get a roller ball pen out my bag, take the top off, and stab the orange with the point. I stab again. The pen sticks into the orange. I put it on the table and bang it down..and miracle, the pen is forced into the orange and a couple of segments come away. They go into my mouth...just the two...

Later that night I offer Caroline a piece of chocolate orange from the half that is left. 'You only ate half on the train?' she says. 'I am so proud of you, what willpower.'

'But Caroline,' I say, 'I only opened it five minutes outside Bristol...'

So much chocolate, so little time!!!!

Yesterday was a real chocolate day. I know I need to lose weight, but not yesterday. I needed the comfort! I have stories to tell you..as always, but I am a bit tired. Yesterday was an emotionally draining day! The important thing is to tell you that I have kept my licence..the court decided not to ban me but I do have 12 points on my licence..so I have to spend the next three years being oh so careful!

I was in court at 10.10am and it was all over by 10.30am. It was a far more emotionally draining experience than I had anticipated. Hence the need for chocolate. I actually left the court house to walk into the centre of Bath to find a nice cafe in which to collapse with a large coffee and stop shaking. However, I came across the Cadbury's Cocoa House!!!! Well, it might as well have had my name on the door! I went upstairs to the restaurant (spying the shop downstairs for later) and ordered a Classic Hot chocolate, made with liquid chocolate, non of your powder rubbish and after a tussle with the menu decided on rich chocolate cake with ice cream. I sat in the corner, as befits my friend Winnie the Pooh who always took elevenses into the corner to look after them.... I didn't say anything for a while...the lovely people even give you a spoon so when you have finished drinking the hot silky smooth chocolate, you can eat the chocolale sludge that is left at the bottom of the mug...

I have to say that the cake was like eating thick chocolate concrete, and I couldn't finish it. But I spent the time happily calming down and texting all the people who had texted me good luck to tell them the good news! I asked for the bill and was about to leave and my mobile rang and it was Liz, ringing for a very quick chat. Half an hour later and all the cafe knew about my court case! As I finished that call I had a call from Rosemarie, and I had been there so long it was time for another hot chocolate, so I ordered another! I was there ages but needed the time and space. As I was leaving, I saw the couple next to me get their order of toasted sandwiches. You mean you could order real food????

Then I saw a mum with two small children who had order a huge platter of chopped fresh fruit, and it looked gorgeous..strawberries, melon, apple etc etc..and it came with a pot of melted chocolate to dip it all in! Now that's the way to eat fruit!!!!

Tomorrow I will tell you the story of the Chocolate Orange.....

This could be the last time......

...to quote Mick Jagger. No, not the last time I blog, nothing that serious, but the last time I drive my car for a while. After many, many, many years as a conviction free driver, I managed to get caught by speed cameras on four occasions between April and June last year.

Tomorrow I go to court in Bath to stand in front of magistrates and plead with them not to take my licence away cos I am a good girl really, and I need my car for my job, and I was on my way to various fun things at the time, your honour, such as visiting my dad seriously ill in hospital, on my way to his funeral etc etc.

This evening I get the train to Bristol and will be met by the lovely Caroline and we will go out and find something to eat. Don't worry, I have booked a restaurant. Haven't checked for accessibility but I'm sure it will be fine. Or I'll bring her dinner out to the car.

Anyway, now I am going to the dentist, the first of three long appointments..don't ask..just feel very sorry for me...I will drive there and back carefully and safely and appreciate the joy of driving my little silver car...just in case..... oh I always wanted a part in a court drama. I have written my script. I mean statement. Caroline and my solicitor have read it and say it is fine. Come on, let's have your predictions here...will I convince them to let me off???? What do you think??? (Prayers after 10am tomorrow will be appreciated..)

Time to hibernate, methinks....

I swear this time of year, Jan to Feb, it feels natural to light the log fire every evening, and not move very far away from it. I am currently sitting on the floor right next to it, laptop on my mum's pouffe (is that how you spell it?) between my knees, Sophie dog curled up on my left and we are sleepy and cosy together. It's all I want to do every evening! I have put on a lot of weight since Christmas, as sitting around by a lovely fire and watching TV or listening to music or reading is generally accompanied by eating. Mmmmm.

Anyway, this week has been quite good fun, work is busy and challenging and lots of good things happening, which of course I can't tell you about, or they'd have to kill me, or I'd have to kill you first..... but Friday evening saw the 4th annual volunteers' dinner. I meant to finish early in the afternoon to chill and get ready, but with lots of work and bereavement counselling and driving to Hemel to get the coffee things from my mate with his own coffee company! ..it meant I didn't get home until a quarter to five and had half an hour to get ready. Sod it thought, I am not having a quick shower, I am determined to have a soak in a hot bath and relax, even for 10 minutes. So I started running the bath and went downstairs and made a cup of tea.

Oh, the height of decadence, lying in a bath at 5pm on Friday evening with a nice cup of tea, I do know how to live. But when I got back upstairs...it dawned on me that the heating and hot water had only been on since 4.30pm and therefore the water was not yet hot..I ended up with 3 inches of lukewarm water, and believe me, that doesn't cover a lot..so it was a very quick bath.

Even I wish I could video what happened next, it was so comic. I dressed in a brand new Per Una top which is three layers of flimsy lacy material in a vest/cardie type of combination and gorgeous but low cut, and I realised that wearing this plum/aubergine low cut top didn't look too good with large amounts of white bra showing. By now I was running late and panicking, and kept having to take the top off to try new bras on. The three layers are attached and kept getting tangled and inside out and on one occasion I got stuck with it half on and half off and it caught on my skirt zip, and I got almost hysterical. Fortunately I still managed to pick M A up and get to the hall to organise the dinner, although I kept pulling at my top in a self conscious way....I have to say I got a lot of compliments from my volunteers about my sexy outfit...and a kiss from a local, sexy GP, but that's another story.... and the meal wasn't bad either!

And this was the present....

This is the birthday present I gave my friend for his 45th birthday. The message on the box says it all..'We do not stop playing because we grow old, we grow old because we stop playing'. My philosophy exactly.

I was informed yesterday that he had installed the software and plugged the hamster wheel into the computer. It should go round as you type. Apparently, all it did was crash his pc....oops, sorry.

I found this pic on e-bay. Someone is selling this as an 'unwanted gift.' (One bid so far at 99p.) I wonder......

We are all getting older......

..scary but true. A friend had his birthday on Tuesday - turning 45, and really entering middle age. Surely not? Well, he had the day off work especially, and spent the day clearing out and tidying his wardrobe. Didn't even go out for lunch. I was working late so he did stop by the office and enjoyed a cup of tea and the chocolate and vanilla cheescake kindly provided by M&S. He turned up wearing an old jumper, found in the bottom of the wardrobe, to ask my advice re throwing it away. I am probably not the best person to ask, quite liking the Alan Titchmarsh look in a rugged, cosy, out door sort of way. But it really was quite an old jumper.....

So having arrived looking a tiny bit middle aged in a gardening jumper, he proceeded to tell me about plans for the birthday evening. He had talked about ringing round some friends, to see if anyone fancied a drink. A quiet night at the pub. Well, no wild party then. But when I asked him, he said he had changed his mind, to quote, 'I can't be bothered to go out, I think I'll just stay and have a quiet night in with the wife.' or words to that effect.

Do you think it's time I found a new toy boy?????

Disgusted of Tunbridge Wells...

I've never been an official complainer. I've never written to newspapers complaining about the state of the roads, or rung the BBC and ranted about any of its programmes. Until tonight. Well, there is a first time for everything! God knows, I'm no fan of Tony Blair, and I might be critical of many of his party's policies, but I hope I am fair. I like to state a point of view, I also like to hear the other side of an argument. But Kirsty Wark's treatment of Tony Blair on tonight's Newsnight had me reaching for the phone and complaining within ten seconds of it finishing. Her whole handling of the discussion was completely biased, the audience was rigged with people against govt policy, there was no-one there to put an alternative view, and if anyone dared to start saying anything remotely positive, Kirsty shut them up and moved on. She asked Tony Blair questions and then didn't always allow him to answer. One or two ridiculous comments from audience members, Tony didn't bother to respond to, and quite frankly I don't blame him.

Did anyone learn anything from that discussion? Was anything gained from such a negative tirade? I'll be interested to check on the BBC website tomorrow if anyone else complained. I'll be very surprised if they didn't.

The discussion mentioned parenting and children's behaviour, and the importance of parent and family support at an early age, and preventative intervention. Yay! If only someone had mentioned HS!!!!!! I'm due to start running another parenting programme in February. I have run many Parenting Programmes now over the past ten years, and I can tell you - they work. Parents who come on them can turn their family life around, learn to take responsibility for their children's behaviour, put in appropriate boundaries and discipline, and most importantly, learn to enjoy their children again. Obviously it is good if a parent comes on the course willingly!

Did you watch the programme? What do you think?

By the way, the person who came to the Family Centre, the one I went to see last night, and gave her the notes of our counselling sessions. Big risk, I thought. I got a text message from her today: 'Hi, Sally, I sat up til 1.30 this morning reading these notes, and boy, I am so proud of myself as I can now see how far I have come! Some things are still the same, ie family. x thank you so much they have made me smile.'

Aaaaah. That's good.

The year is flying by....

..into double figures tomorrow! Yes, the Cadbury's creme eggs are in the shops already. Yuck, I really don't like them. But I have been known, when desperate, to eat the chocolate off the outside..then you are left with a sticky mess in your hand..ok, too much information...

Had a quiet day at work on Friday and went to bereavement counselling in the afternoon. I walk into the room just fine (mostly). I tell her I am ok. Then where do those tears come from? Buckets, and about so many things. She is a good counsellor. We can have a laugh too, which is so important in counselling, don't you think?

Crummy weekend. The best bit was not going to church on Sunday but instead going into the office with a carpet cleaner and scrubbing the carpets clean..for one and a half hours..how sad, I really enjoyed it! James and Hilary came over Sunday, and the three of us watched a DVD..Mr & Mrs Smith....as James said after, what a silly waste of two hours...absolutely..so many holes in the plot, I drove them mad saying, 'Oh, that wouldn't happen...' and I was told off for taking it too seriously. I do like watching mindless rubbish that is vaguely believable....

Tonight I went to see an old friend, someone who came to me for counselling for three years, between 1996 and 1999, when I worked as a therapist at a Family Support Centre. She did so well, turned her life around so much, and I always had a soft spot for her, and a lot of respect. All my other notes from that time I shredded, but I always kept my notes of 95 sessions with her!! We saw each other from time to time, but I had not made contact with her all last year, not being in a good place myself. Bless her, she rang me to see if I was ok, and told me she was writing about her life. I told her I had her notes and asked if he would like them. Somehow I always knew that one day I would give them to her.

One of her children died, three years ago, aged 3, after two years of illness and brain damage after a tragic accident. Not surprisingly she has struggled to come to terms with this, as well as all the other baggage from her life...tonight we just sat by the light of a candle, with two cups of coffee and talked for three hours. About life and death, coping and not coping. I have given her the book, containing notes of those three years. We talked about it, and she does want to read them, and wants to see how far she has come. We hugged and I drove home. I wait to see what she says when she's read them. She is amazing, a survivor of all that life has thrown at her, and a fighter. I lvoe her.

Time to laugh...

OK, so it's time I made you laugh. Earlier this week I went out for a meal with friends, most of them, if not all, will be familiar to most, if not all, of you.

I drove to the Indian restaurant, kindly giving a friend a lift so that he could drink. I then discovered three other friends had got lifts there, hoping I would take them all home.

After the meal - which was excellent, a new Indian restaurant recently opened, and rather special - we headed off to a pub, the Rose and Crown to be precise, where a band was playing, the drummer of which I know. A young band but immensely talented. Impressive live, and their CD equally so. They are called Legions. Watch this space.

Anyway, I drove to the pub with my four friends (all male), three in the back and one in the front. As I reversed into a parking space outside the pub, with ease (I am very proud of my parallel parking) my friend in the front smiled. 'Your parking is so impressive' he said. 'Thank you,' I said. 'Yes, he continued, 'You know exactly what 12 inches is.' Pause. (Sniggers from the back). 'Yes I do' I said, looking meaningfully at the friend. Pause for effect. 'And you don't.' Complete hysteria from boys in the back. I take the key out of the ignition and get out of the car, smiling smugly. Collapse of stout party.

Nearly time to head up North....

I so nearly packed a bag and headed up to Manchester after work yesterday, without telling anyone where I was going in a kind of, 'They'll all be worried about me then, then they'll be sorry they didn't take more care of me' kind of way. Of course I didn't, I just lay on the sofa, snuffled, slept and ate chocolate all in no particular order. And of course I can't get into 98% of my wardrobe (or my clothes).

Anyway, reading the two comments on my blog from two Mancunian friends - well three actually - I realise that I would have been welcomed with a hug and a bed for the night. I am so going North one weekend very, very soon. Lvoe you all xxx

One year ago today....

Doesn't seem possible. A year ago today since my mum died. Not sure how to mark the occasion. Not fussed about driving to Bristol to wander about a cold, damp cemetary. But want to do something. I compromise on going to work for the morning and focussing successfully, then coming home for a couple of hours in the middle of the day to think about her, do more paperwork, sort out some photos and just pay my respects.

Bad timing means I open a letter containing a cheque for my half of the house sale. I look at what is not a small amount of money, an amount which would normally make me say, 'Wow, time to shop!' but this time I just think, I'd rather have my mum than the money, and the tears start. I miss her, I want to talk to her and give her a hug. I ring my aunt, her sister, for someone to talk to, but she is out. I feel rather alone and no-one else in my family has remembered. Just a hug would be nice. I look at a few photos, cry a lot and think of her. I deal with some paperwork - nearly at the end, just final house bills to pay.

I pull myself together and go to work, visiting and arranging support for someone - though I don't talk about my work, do I? - but it seems fitting that this is someone whose mum died last year, and she now has the worry of looking after not only her two small children, but her father who is unwell and lives alone.....I can smile and offer empathy, and introduce her to her buddy.

I come home and curl up on the sofa and...eat a lot of chocolate. I didn't eat lunch. A friend discovered I was home at lumch time, although he didn't realise why - and why should he, this was a private moment - but he popped round with a large tuna and mayonniase bap. Lovely, except I was crying too much to eat at that point.

A little later, after he had gone, I returned to the living room and spied what I thought was a piece of soggy tissue on the carpet. I picked it up. No, it was a piece of wet, soggy lettuce. Where had that come from? Oh, the dog didn't want that bit when it ate my lunch. Cheers, Sophie.

Christmas Day!

This pic was taken by Clive on Christmas Day - a nice view of the Christmas tree (lovingly decorated by me!), with Laura and Mec sharing a sofa, James looking very tall opening a present, and me with my back to the camera which is just as well.....

Happy New Year! Start as you mean to go on.....

Starting with..not getting to bed until after 2am, following a better night out than expected! Or rather, I was not in the mood, but I got better..... then sleep in and be brought a cup of tea by someone who is going to church but doesn't pressure you, so you stay in bed not feeling tooooo guilty (just a bit)... Well this is me, not you, so I am in bed, all alone, which this morning I am happy with! I have made another cup of tea and come back to bed with my laptop and the large bar of chocolate that Clive bought me for Christmas and I am still working through it!

Last night and this morning, my phone was bleeping with New Year greetings from friends..and when I look at the names....Maria, Shaun, Liz, Caroline, David.. yes all my lvoely, wonderful GB friends and I feel so lucky and loved and not at all alone, and although I felt pretty crap all day, in fact very crap, and unsure how I felt really..thinking over 'this time last year', you know how it goes, and Christmases past, and New Years past, when the children were small, and we stayed with my mum and dad, and it was fun (mostly!)...and this week is the first anniversary of my mum's death..how weird those words are to type and read still..so unreal..and this is such a long sentence, I really ought to breathe..and I have been feeling unsure and upset about certain relationships in my life, and what to do, but last night I felt positive, cared for and loved, and for that I thank you all.

New Year resolutions:
1. Eat more chocolate.
2. Lose weight.
3. Get out more.
4. Go to the gym and swim more.
5. Do Hospital radio again. I miss having my own show!
6. See more of my friends.
7. Laugh more and cry less.
8. Do more coffee/lunch/tea/dinner with friends
9. Go to more gigs. Steve Lawson on Jan 12th, the first????
10. Appreciate Sophie dog more, walk her a bit more, love her more, now she is 13 and has arthritis... :-(. But she has medicine.

Oh, sorry, what a selfish list. I should say save the world, give to the poor, live generously, do more for others, but as Jesus said, sort yourself out and get your own act together before you can be any good to other people. Or something like that.

Quarter to eleven. New year's morning. Still in bed. Eating chocolate. Talking to my friends. Love you all. Here's to next year. xxx