One year ago today....

Doesn't seem possible. A year ago today since my mum died. Not sure how to mark the occasion. Not fussed about driving to Bristol to wander about a cold, damp cemetary. But want to do something. I compromise on going to work for the morning and focussing successfully, then coming home for a couple of hours in the middle of the day to think about her, do more paperwork, sort out some photos and just pay my respects.

Bad timing means I open a letter containing a cheque for my half of the house sale. I look at what is not a small amount of money, an amount which would normally make me say, 'Wow, time to shop!' but this time I just think, I'd rather have my mum than the money, and the tears start. I miss her, I want to talk to her and give her a hug. I ring my aunt, her sister, for someone to talk to, but she is out. I feel rather alone and no-one else in my family has remembered. Just a hug would be nice. I look at a few photos, cry a lot and think of her. I deal with some paperwork - nearly at the end, just final house bills to pay.

I pull myself together and go to work, visiting and arranging support for someone - though I don't talk about my work, do I? - but it seems fitting that this is someone whose mum died last year, and she now has the worry of looking after not only her two small children, but her father who is unwell and lives alone.....I can smile and offer empathy, and introduce her to her buddy.

I come home and curl up on the sofa and...eat a lot of chocolate. I didn't eat lunch. A friend discovered I was home at lumch time, although he didn't realise why - and why should he, this was a private moment - but he popped round with a large tuna and mayonniase bap. Lovely, except I was crying too much to eat at that point.

A little later, after he had gone, I returned to the living room and spied what I thought was a piece of soggy tissue on the carpet. I picked it up. No, it was a piece of wet, soggy lettuce. Where had that come from? Oh, the dog didn't want that bit when it ate my lunch. Cheers, Sophie.