Is it time now???

Sorry, is it time for a little something? I have taken the hint..well 12 hints actually, thank you for your comments and for missing me! Trouble is after not blogging for a while and so much going on, I didn't know where to begin, I have been so up and down emotionally, and my blogging comes so much from the heart that I am tempted to pour it all out here, and really.......be grateful I haven't!!!! (remember, Sally, this is not a private diary........)

To be fair, the beginning of my not blogging was because suddenly I had a life, and I was actually too busy to blog!!!

The day after my last blog I went to the theatre where I work as a 'casual' technician to say goodbye to Simon, the Tech Manager, who has now gone to Australia for a new life outside Potters Bar. He used to manage a tribute band, The Beautiful Housemartins, or Beautiful Southmartins, you get the picture, and they came and played a final gig for his leaving party. They were very good, I listened, sang, had a dance with Simon who was very drunk, and he said he would miss me 'in a different way from the rest of the tech crew'. Given the rest of the crew are all blokies ranging from 17 to about 30 (except Gary who is old like me) and very geekie techie....mmm yes I guess I am different, but what could he mean..he said we had worked well together - which we always did - but hadn't really got to know each other personally, but he knew there was more to me than meets the eye....yes, well, I told you he was drunk.

But Simon had been there for 6 years, I liked him and worked well with him, he had taught me a lot, and the rest of the guys are much newer, and as I work there so rarely, I don't feel part of the team really..in fact I hardly spoke to them at the party, they were all standing in corners drinking beer and being geeky and techie. You know me, I love working in the theatre, but now I do it for fun and for camaraderie and being a part of a team, and I wanted to be with them all and have a dance and a laugh..instead I felt that Simon going was the end of an era..especially when he told me the new Tech Manager was only 26 (and a guy, obviously)..and thought maybe I should hang up my leatherman and call it a day..consequently when I said goodbye to Simon and slipped out of the party, it felt very sad and like the end of something big in my life, and so I cried all the way home.

You see how tough this is? A long blog and I am only up to Sunday, March 12th??? And try as I do, I can't help sharing all the thoughts and feelings that are so painful, I feel so emotionally raw, like I haven't got a skin, and even the smallest things hurt so much...I really don't want to be like this...but when I just try and get on with life and work, and keep the emotion inside, it starts to hurt physically, like now I have stomach pain... well, that's enough for now!