Oh, the swollen eyes.....

I don't look good this morning. (Do I ever?) But did so much crying yesterday my eyes are more than puffy, practically closed over. What was it about..complicated..lots of things..my excuse was that it was my mum's birthday, she would have been 81, and tomorrow would have been my dad's birthday. At least we celebrated his 80th last year. But I have done a year now, and i tought it was ok..... maybe it was hormones, that's another excuse, maybe I was mourning something else..a life I want but can't have... I was alone all day and that was ok, I like my own space, I had things to do..but the well of sadness got deeper all day until when I let myself cry..I couldn't stop, and I thought I would never stop..I had to go with it, but the more I cried the more sad I got, mourning all the losses and wanting something/someone who can't be there for me....

James rang to say he was coming over in the evening, and he knew from the short phone call all was not well. Next minute Laura arrives, alerted by an emergency call from her brother, to make me tea and sit with me while I cry. I really wished he hadn't called her, I didn't want to ruin her weekend - or anyone's, but she was lvoely and stayed for ages and talked and listened and tried to understand my sadness even though I can't explain it... then James arrived and we had more tea and more hugs..Laura left the room for a minute, happy in the knowledge that I had stopped crying and was better, but when she came back, humming happily, she found her brother crying....her little face!!!! James still doesn't know what to do about his relationship, ahd had a week off work to 'think' but is no further forward, except more unsure, more guilty and more upset.

You know me, I love to entertain, keep people happy, I'll do anything for a laugh, anything, so I scored 100% by showing them my new teeth...well, you have to laugh, otherwise you'd cry......

By the time Clive came home in the evening from hard day at an exhibition, he found us busy, me lighting the log fire, and James and Laura off to buy food and rent a dvd for a cosy family evening in. They came back with a film Laura had chosen, she thinks she saw it once on a plane, a romantic comedy, so we all settle down in front of the fire with our chinese and pizza and watch 'The Perfcet Catch'..... which is set in Boston, so it is full of places James recognises and has been to with H.....and it's about a couple whose relationship is on and off until they get together in the end in spite of all their differences...'Good choice' I say to Laura, as we are painfully aware James has watched stony face throughout. (Watching his face and Laura's face during the film was entertaining...... ) Still, it gave us something to giggle about.

Sunday morning. James has brought me breakfast in bed. Time to get up and shower, bathe my eyes and face the day.