Hello.....

....I know, I've not blogged much recently. The last couple of weeks have been hard: not good. I have been so far in a cave of depression and sadness, and almost non stop crying, I have even embarrassed myself. Lost it spectacularly last Tuesday evening in a meeting with my trustees...so unprofessional.

No words=no blog. Can't explain it....can hardly explain it to myself, never mind you. And everyone is on about the wedding, I must be happy, I must be excited..and of course I am, underneath, but on top so very unhappy, and it makes it worse when I should be happy, so I feel awful, and guilty, and that makes me cry with despair, cos it shouldn't be like this...and so it goes on.

Today, I haven't cried. All day! Been in meetings, gave a talk on my charity this evening...feel so much better. I can do this. I can be MOTB. And I checked the on-line weather forecast - no rain on Friday!!! After 10 days of continuous rain, I have caught myself saying, Please God, don't let it rain on Friday, not on Laura's wedding day. Then I feel embarrassed, and I hear God saying..not another one about the weather...ok, of course, when there are awful things happening in the world and people are sick and dying, of course I'll make sure it doesn't rain near St Albans on Friday, no problem. Ttch..just what kind of God do I believe in????

Bless the little chincillas.....

So there is the lvoely Steve, perched in front of the telly, next to the fire place, ready to go..note the ambient lighting (lava lamp placed lvoeingly on his speaker.....)

I had 20 people in my front room! Oh, and in my back room too, they are all in one..you can just see the lucky few who got the cosy sofas..the other 14 were on chairs down the dining room end!!!

Steve was a gem, an original, who charmed not only with his music, but also his chat, the amusing stream of consciousness between numbers, causing the audience members to be entranced by the mellow sounds, and roll about laughing in between. Particularly entertaining was Steve's explanation of how he achieved all those amazing sounds, layer upon layer, using one little black box with blinking lights on, and a row of foot pedals (not forgetting the guitar of course...) He plays a line or two of music, presses a foot pedal, a bit of food drops down for the chinchillas, and they in return play back the line of music....there are quite a few in there, and they are all well trained and were note perfect..worry not, no chinchillas were harmed in the making of this music.....

I had a house full of friends, neighbours, trustees, Steve's friends (sadly not his mother, who thought it was next week.....) who enjoyed wine, music, lasagne, more music, delicious puddings: they brought raffle tickets too (no charity evening is complete without a raffle...) and Steve sold quite a few CDs and by the end of the evening had several new fans, and all thought my house concert was one of the most original and enjoyable occasions on the planet.

You can see how much someone was enjoying himself....

Which we all did of course. And I have made about £120 for my charity. Roll on the next one.....

Thanks, small curate....

I was sitting in bed reading blogs, early on Sunday morning, when I came across the small curate's blog, talking about Stuart Maconie's new book Pies and Prejudice, about the north/south divide....now being a Scouser born and bred, but living down south and now preferring quiche and cappuccinos to pie and chips....and having bred two children who are southerners through and through, and who are rude and prejudiced about anyone north of watford..I wanted to read this book and re-connect with my roots...and I know it will be a humorous read..it's written by a northerner!

Thanks to the wonders of the internet, I was able to click on small curate's link, get my credit card out, and before 8am I had purchased said book....and despite any misgivings of giving scousers my credit card details..my trust was not misplaced and said book has arrived in the post....a treasure...I'll let you know....

Spooky.....

I love this website..the animation and the atmospheric music...I did the test yesterday and lvoed the daemon it gave me, a lvoely little animal like a meercat..can't remember what it was or its name...I tried to save it but id didn't work. This morning it worked, but although I thought I answered the test the same, this morning I am modest and not asssertive, and I have a different daemon!!!

Over to you..what will your comments on me change me into?????

Fings wot I did this weekend....

Went shopping in St Albans with Laa and bridesmaid Amy. Looked for wedding stuff. Had wedding meeting at the Waffle House. Mmmm....banoffee waffle and banana milk shake to die for....had girlie evening in, ate chocolate and pop corn, watched The Holiday..love it lvoe it...I so lust after Jude Law in that film.....

Then today..went shopping in J*hn L*wis!! MoB and B-Maid tried on lingerie and Laa did the running about between fitting rooms sorting us out. Had ladies lunch in the restaurant and a pot of tea for three (how grown up) and discussed marriage, fear, doubt, being sure, not being sure..and I listened to Laa and Amy and said little..apart from the timeless wisdom of..'whatever happens..keep communicating with each other. Keep talking. And keep listening.'

We bought ribbon for the cars and I picked up my dress, and..wait for it..I got a hat!! Yes, I got a hat!!!!!

Priceless...

Even by my standards, the one-liner I came out with yesterday was priceless....

I think I have mentioned on my blog over the years that I do some voicework for a guy in St Albans..it started with a Bible Comes to Life exhibition years ago where groups would visit and sit in a room converted to a Bedouin camp under the night sky in the desert (twinkling stars and everything...) and I did one voice and DC did the other..explaining about God, the creation of the world, God sending his Son etc..it wasn't until I went to the exhibition myself, and the lights went up..and I was the voice of a camel, telling the story of creation. DC was, of course, the voice of God. Oh how he laughed....

Anyway, I digress, H has gone on to take the show on the road, in two massive converted trailers, taking the story to schools, one trailer is fitted out as the cabin of a small jet, and passengers are 'flown' to Israel, watching film as they fly, telling the story of Jesus, and yes that's my voice too, which surprised my church members when they went recently.

Next project was an interactive DVD telling the Christmas story, again for schools, and I did the voice work for that.

Last Friday, as is his way, H rings and wants me to do some recording asap. He always wants it NOW. So I agreed to do it that Sunday afternoon at his convenience. I go to his house, read the script, sit at the mic, and generally do it all in one take. Occasionally we re-do bits if he wants it said differently.

I know he doesn't make much money out of what he does, in fact none, I think he gets sponsors, so I have done the work for nothing. In recent years, if there has been a lot to do, he has insisted on paying me a nominal £20. So, if there is little to do, I often refuse payment, but every now and again he insists I take it, so that works well.

Remember I am a trained actress, I have done a little radio work and other voice work in my past - 10-15 years ago, and I was paid £100 an hour then, that was a good job!!!! - I am good at what I do, do it all in one take.....

So imagine my reaction, when having finished half an hour's work on Sunday, H offers to pay me and I say, no, not this time, my pleasure, and he says, oh no, I insist on paying you, I was going to get a professional in and he wanted to charge me £250....

You can imagine my reaction at hearing the words 'I was going to get a professional in'....I smiled but actually he was lucky to get away with his life....

Anyway, yesterday I was travelling on the motorway with DC and I was telling him this story. About what H had said, apparently he used this 'professional' recently, and paid him £100..but when he was approached for this piece of work, (2 A4 pages of script) he not only wanted £250, but also wanted three weeks notice cos he was busy. So as H wanted it done straight away, he made do with me. (H didn't put it that way of course..) So having told me this, H gets his cheque book and offers the usual £20.

'Cheeky b...' I was telling DC. 'I do a good job for him, at a moment's notice, and he has the cheek to tell me he has been using a 'professional.' Well, believe me, that's the last time I drop everything for £20.'

..........

You try saying that line and causing someone driving at 90mph in the outside lane of the M4 to have a sudden and complete fit of the giggles...not to be recommended..but I did giggle fairly helplessly too...

Thinking, thinking, thinking...

Generally I think too much. It's going over and over stuff in my head is like being on a ride I can't get off, and it exhausts me and consumes me. That's why I like being asleep so much! It gives me a break. All the thinking about stuff going on in my life is like twisting the knife in a wound, and it only hurts me, and eventually the emotion overspills into endless crying or the anger emerges with shouting, hitting things and..well, the language...you wouldn't believe..or maybe you would...

I don't know where the anger comes from, I never knew all my life I had so much anger inside..not sure it always gets directed appropriately, though... (sometimes it does...oh believe me...)

Well, this morning, when I was still feeling ok, I heard some words, some unexpected words: ill chosen? Thoughtless? I took it badly, I was angry and upset. I said so fairly forcefully and put the phone down. But the thing is..the good thing is, yes I was upset, but I didn't cry. Yes, I was hurt and angry, but I didn't lose it. I just felt it, acknowledged it and thought about it, and saw things a little differently. I decided I need to handle things a little differently. make a few decisions and stick to them....

The other good thing is, I was ok. Still balanced. Still went to work and got on with stuff, didn't collapse like a mad woman. I left work at the end of the day, still thinking, but still feeling ok, and telling myself that being in control, in balance, was good.

Until I walked a while in the unseasonable cold and rain to where my car was parked, a little way from the office..and it wasn't there...and then it dawned on me..I had been on a family visit during the day and had parked my car somewhere else...and so I had to walk round the whole block in aforementioned wind, cold and rain..unneccessarily....then I began to lose it...that just about did it. You muppet!

Doing my job properly...

One of the best things - in fact the best thing, the most important thing - about me being 'ok' within myself, and not absorbed with my own concerns, living on my emotions and struggling to stay in control - and some of this, I have no doubt, is still connected to my grief: just over two years since my mum died, not two years for dad yet..although I am so much better, under the surface it has to be there:

For instance, having had a good weekend, as previously blogged, I was in the kitchen happily cooking dinner on Sunday when James and Amy were over, and thinking how happy J seemed, I thought my mum would be pleased..then realised she never met Amy...and I suddenly felt her loss so deeply I just cried and cried, whilst turning the roast potatoes! Just sobbed helplessly as I drained the carrots..then a few moments later, James came in and said, 'You ok Ma?' and gave me a hug, and there I was , right as rain, and no-one would have known...

Anyway, where was I...one of the things that bothers me most is that if I am having a bad day, I really cannot do my job properly..I cannot be there..truly be there, for others. Centred. In the moment. And that is so important.

But this week I have been. And it makes what I do worthwhile, that I can connect and truly 'be there' for someone as they tell me their story...the young mother with three children whose partner has a terminal illness, and will have six months to two years to live...the mum with three children by three different dads and an ex partner who died...the mum whose partner is working abroad, trying to cope alone and hiding the fact that she is drinking too much...

I know I talk a lot...and a lot of rubbish! I know this blog is often shallow, but I hope, humorous.....but really, I do know how to listen. I do know how to sit still and quiet and hear someone's story, hear their pain, and not be overwhelmed with it: and somehow, when you have been really present for someone, really centred on them, they feel it somewhere, even if you do nothing, and they smile and say 'thank you' because sometimes people close to them, family and friends can't hear their pain, it's too much....and I ask the questions no-one else wants to ask..I need to hear the answers in order to work out how I can help..find them the right volunteer...

When I can leave my own stuff behind, stop being stupidly selfish and self absorbed, that's when God uses me. That's when I know what I'm here for.

Blimey, that's shocked you, hasn't it? Better check if you're reading the right blog.....

Good things...

..so far so good..I know it's only Tuesday, but last week I was fairly suicidal and crying all over my friends..this week the thinking positively is still working...yesterday, busy at work, both colleagues in, plus electrician who had to shut off all electrickery while he checked circuits, so no lights, heaters, phone, computers..ok..no kettle....no kettle??? I insisted for health and safety purposes that the staff should leave the building and so we went out for a long lunch..excellent for team building...

Today we started a new volunteers training course..a good group..and our first man!!!! It's only taken six years to get our first make volunteer! Has changed the dynamics already....I lvoe delivering training and today was fun....

Then tonight, V, who was my bereavement counsellor for a year, then my supervisor for a year, was so worried about the state of me last week, she insisted on seeing me this week..so I picked her up and we went to the pub..she hardly recognised me, bouncy and smiling, and we had a good evening..talked for over three hours, I had three cups of coffee - three! - and we shared the most gorgeous piece of cheesecake..I rolled in at almost 10.30pm reeking of coffee, the shame of it....and I think I have another friend...excellent...

Nothing much changes, but my attitude to life. What is going on inside my head. What I think, what I feel. Last week, totally out of control, totally emotion led. This week...a balance..long may it last...

A good one...

This weekend was a good weekend...why? Because I had got my wedding outfit, so that was a load off, as they say. I had a good end of the week, I was feeling positive and better about things in general and myself in particular. I had a good book on the go, so spent time night and morning reading, which always absorbs me...

Saturday morning after reading, I got up and pottered, hanging out washing in the warm sunshine, listening to Brian Matthew's Sound of the Sixties - a gem of a programme - eating toast and drinking coffee and generally chilling and enjoying my own space...

I wobbled briefly and got a bit tearful, but then my positive mental attitude stuff kicked in, I am working so hard and changing my thinking, which so affects my emotion. Sort of DIY cognitive/behavioural therapy. Anyway, I went out with a friend, and spent the day shopping, having lunch out, talking and sharing, driving, visiting the French market, looking at caravans, and generally having fun, before heading home for a late afternoon cup of tea. I was determined to stay positive: appreciate what you have, not yearn for what you cannot have. Enjoy the moment, don't want for more....know there will be other moments...keep smiling...

I then enjoyed a late afternoon dog walk with Jill, looking at the trees in bud, the bluebells in full bloom and enjoying the company. Home to eat dinner watching my new favourite Saturday evening TV show: Any dream will do: dangerously camp and seriously addictive..have you picked your Joseph yet???

Retiring to bed with my book and laptop, I caught up with Liz on msn, intending to say hello and goodnight. That turned into a giggle with out webcams, she in PJs and me in my nightie...and Liz showing me new clothes from her latest shopping spree....then when the connection crashed, we spoke on our mobile phones until 1.30 in the morning!! I was treated to the sound of Liz reading my latest blog entry, the leaving presents story, which considering she had already heard it, still made her laugh helplessly for about 5 minutes: I wish I could record it as a soundtrack for people to hear as they read the blog....

This morning I was lazy and stayed in bed until I finished my book, then got up with the rewarding task of preparing for James and Amy to visit: a bit if tidying up, then another dog walk with Jill and a chance to sit in the sun on her terrace with a coffee and time to chat...

As if that wasn't all lovely enough, J and A arrived and we sat out to eat lunch in the garden, enjoying the summer, reminding ourselves that it is still only April...they disappeared off to see friends, just in time for me to visit Howard and do some voice work for him...half an hour and I had earned £25...and given that he is only round the corner from friend Jacky, I invited myself round for a cup of tea. When I told her I had been round to a man's house for 30 minutes and earned £25, she stared hard and asked, Sally, what have you done???? Well, voice over work obviously, anything else and I would have earned much more....

Home again to cook a lovely roast dinner and spend time with J and A: both on good form, and it's good when your 6' 4" son envelopes you in hugs...at 5' 3" I am easily enveloped...

Now I am in bed, thinking about work tomorrow, and feeling ok, positive and happy it has been a good weekend..I hope yours was too, wherever you are, and whatever you were doing. xxx

Oh, alright then....

I told this story to Caroline and Liz, whose instant reaction was, oh Sally, you must blog it...I thought no, it's a bit rude, and anyway, it was Good Friday and everyone was posting serious, reflective religious stuff (and why not) and I didn't want to lower the tone....

But a couple of weeks have past and nothing else funny has happened - except seeing DC in a strange blue jacket, which just made me dissolve into giggles, must to his confusion, I thought the jacket looked a bit caretaker like, almost the material and colour overalls are made out of, know what I mean? When I said this, he was much affronted, and said it was trendy, and I said, no, it's a bus driver's jacket, all you need is a little badge on the pocket..by now I was laughing so hard I almost....fell over (stop it, I know what you were thinking....) and he was much offended..sorry..(but if anyone can get a badge for next time we all meet.....)

Anyway, my story..goodness I am side tracked like Ronnie Barker....

DC and I have had various young boys (oh my goodness, how bad does that sound..please read on quickly...) who have worked for us as tech crew over the years..one such lad, has been great recently, working on all sorts of gigs for us, doing sound and lighting, and has also worked on Front Desk for a couple of years. Know who I mean? Good.

Chris, for that is his name, has left to go on a round the world trip in a bus with 30 others, it will take them 8 or 9 months to reach Australia, and he had set off with his rucksack and tent and gone to see the world. The night before he left, we had a SAND dinner for him..and took him to a very nice pan-Asian restaurant with a couple of other crew members...

I decided to buy him a leaving present..something for a happy traveller but useful and able to fit in a rucksack. After an hour or two's shopping I had, in fact, bought a number of items, and a kind of theme had emerged. As a young single man, I'm sure Chris was hoping to perhaps meet a young lady on the trip, and had indicated to me (because I asked) that there were one or two possibles booked onto the trip. So the theme of the presents was about Chris 'getting lucky.' I wrapped the gifts and labelled them accordingly.

Imagine our small group in a smart Asian restaurant, being slightly raucous in the corner, and we get to present opening time. He reads the first label: 'To help you get lucky' and it is shower gel (travel sized). Other parcels are similarly labelled: 'If you get lucky': a packet of 3 condoms..he gave an embarrasssed groan as he unwrapped it, he was hoping I hadn't but I had...but only 3 I told him, you aren't going to get that lucky,.... then 'if you get lucky and nervous': deodorant..then a packet labelled, 'If you don't get lucky...' :a packet of tissues...now at this point all four blokies absolutely collapsed into hysterics, Chris looking really embarrassed but helpless, all looking at me and going, 'Oh, Sally....' whilst cracking up....I looked at them..and then it dawned on me..and I too became a helpless giggling heap, tears pouring down my face as I struggled to find the words...'No. listen..the tissues are for..(gasp) if he doesn't get lucky....he might cry...' more hysteria as the guys realise my thoughts were not their thoughts, and how innocent I am......

When we manage to stop laughing, and Chris has opened the book with Top Ten Tips on How to Pull, and was reading them out, we realised the restaurant has emptied. We've done it again....as we get up to leave, Chris is putting his presents away, and the nice waiter asks if it is a birthday. No, I say, he is leaving tomorrow and going round the world. Oh, how wonderful, says the waiter, and (looking at me and DC) how lucky is he to have such a kind and generous mum and dad......oh yes, very funny, that Chris and Rich then said, come on Mum, and helped me out of the restaurant..probably to make sure mum didn't hit the waiter.......

I thought it would be obvious....

...that the Yes! Yes! Yes! post referred back to the Oh dear..nothing, entry...and no-one commented, 'I'll have some of what she's having'...a bonus point for the person who can name the film?? Clue: my name features somewhere...

But yes, Merlin, you are correct in your surmising..I have indeed bought a dress..not to mention a jacket, shoes, wrap, matching bag, skirt, top, more shoes, another wrap, another matching bag...and the moral of the story is, don't waste time trailing round shops on your own, coping with armfuls of stock which they then don't allow in the fitting room, 'Only four items..' and the fitting rooms are so small you can't fit two people in (not being kinky, just wanted Laura with me), and often nowhere to hang up the outfits, queues for the fitting rooms horrendous, and someone has to traipse back on to the shop floor searching for different sizes (me if I am alone..)

Make an appointment with a fashion advisor, who gives you two hours of her time free..she does all the work while you sit in a comfy chair reading magazines..lots of room to try stuff on, and she has no preconceptions, and brings clothes you would never dream of picking up yourself...

And young Dorothy, bless her, took one look at me and heard about my desperate search for a Mother of the Bride outfit..and fetched in wonderful outfits I hadn't looked at...she only brought in one fuscia pink suit, and she wasn't happy with it, she said, no, that's hideous, I won't allow you to buy it, you need something young and bright...

And so, what colour am I wearing? Pale pink? No. Pale blue? No. Pale green? No. Lilac? no. Red. Bright red. Pillar box red. Fire engine red. Come and get me, in your face, red. A low cut dress and jacket. Stunning. Mother of the bride? What bride?

Dorothy, and JL, thank you. You are stars.

It had to be done...

I just had to take more pics of the flowers, to follow the one on a previous blog, taken when I first got them..a week ago. Half way through the week:

Then after a whole week:

Aren't they amazing? And the scent from the lilies follows me all over the house...I just wanted to share them....

Oh....

Yes! Yes! Yes!

They are lvoely, thank you...

Liz, you are a good friend. The flowers are amazing and are filling the whole house with the most wonderful scent. They drink about 2 pints of water a day!!

I will admit to not having such a good week. Flowers and friendship, a listening ear at the end of a phone..what more could a girl want? (Ok, don't get me started....)

Another Good Thing: I mentioned a few months ago that I was doing some training for the national organisation...my reputation has gone before me, and they have asked me to run a workshop at the national convention in September, in Edinburgh. The subject? Managing Volunteers!!! Oh well, that's one organisation which appreciates me at least.....

It wasn't all bad...

It meant I got a day with Laa. We started full of optimism in the JL coffee shop...we had a couple of hours trying stuff on (at least I tried stuff on, Laa fetched and carried and looked sympathetic..) then we met up with J's girlfriend, Amy, with her mum, also doing wedding outfit shopping on Oxford St, there's a coincidence, for A's brother's wedding in NY..(keeping up? Good). It seemed a good opportunity for us mums to meet..Laa wondered if we would get on and have enough to talk about over lunch...well we started at 2pm and were still talking over coffee at 4.30pm..shopping forgotten, and carl*ccio's is such a lvoely place....

Still, we had to get on, and carried on shopping, in JL, Debs, House of F, Selfridges..until the doors closed at 8pm...I kid you not....don't ask me why it is so hard to buy a suitable outfit that has to pass 2 main criteria: 1. I like it. 2. It fits. See? I'm not being difficult....

I was brave enough to get up and start again this morning, at a nearby branch of JL, I went alone and suffered two hours of trying on...I have left a few outfits on hold to revisit with Laa...they 'will do' as opposed to being 'the very thing.' Five weeks left..I suppose I could try and lose a little weight...it might help...

Oh dear....

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

Nothing.

Tomorrow....

..tomorrow it happens. London with Laura. Oxford Street. John Lewis. Selfridges. Debenhams. Somewhere....I will find the outfit that will turn me into Mother of the Bride. Depend on it.

Come to a House Concert!

It's the next Big Thing! Invite a lvoely, talented musician to your home, invite friends in (well, sell them tickets) have enough money to pay the artiste, and raise money for charity as well!

I read about it. Looked up How To Do It. Then invited a musician, arranged the date, told people about it..strange how some didn't believe me, laughed even..then last night I told C, seeing as he does live here, and J had said, 'Have you told Dad?' 'Er..no..' 'You're having a laugh...' Anyway, last night I told him and he didn't say no, just looked a bit bemused..'By the way, did I tell you, I'm having a concert in the living room, just a musician and 20 or 30 people, it'll be fine....'

So you read it here first!

Steve Lawson. In concert. In my Front Room. With food. And drink. Live music. For only £20. Friday 4th May at 7.30pm. Roll up, roll up! Only 25 tickets available...

A quote from Jazzwise:
Lawson's writing and his phenomenal command of the possibilities of looping creates a compelling and surprising variety of sounds one would never imagine the bass capable of producing.

Well, you can be sure of one thing..it will make me get on and do my spring cleaning!! And another..I will be cooking some yummy food. Come on, step right up..who will be first?

More books...

..Since finishing The Time Traveler's Wife (see previous post) I have finished two more books, and I am so pleased that the holiday has got me back into the wonderful habit of reading, and I intend to keep it up (like the swimming and the exercising, more of that later..) So I bring you:


Very different from TTTW but an interesting read, a good bit of historical research, and it kept me occupied on the four and a half hour flight back from Egypt as I really didn't fancy the film.


And now I have just finished this one, a lightweight read (sorry Caroline) which took a but of getting into, but turned out ok...quite funny but also a moving look at death and mourning and moving on....

So now you know.

Almost forgot...

..to share the book wot I read on my holiday..The Time Traveler's Wife... what an amazing story, and so well written and thought out..no sooner had I come to the end, than I turned straight back to page one, to re-read this story in the light of the knowledge and understanding which comes from having read the whole book, if that makes sense.

It is powerful, original, thought provoking and also a wonderful lvoe story, engaging me with the thought that maybe sometimes people are just meant for each other, soul mates, a perfect fit. It absorbed me for almost the whole holiday, I loved having the time to read non-stop, almost without interruption..oh go on, if you haven't read it, please do...

Dance then, wherever you may be...

Dance, then, wherever you maybe,
I am the Lord of the Dance, said He,
And I'll lead you all, wherever you may be,
And I'll lead you all in the Dance, said He.

We sang this in church this morning. Yes, I went to the Easter service. I smiled at people. I listened to the readings, so familiar, and yet so out of reach. I sang the songs and hymns...except for the one that got too joyful in the Alleluia, Alleluia, He is Risen, All is Well, kind of way, and suddenly that stabbing pain is there, the missing part of me that is my mum and dad, and where are they, and I miss them, and how can I sing a joyful song? And then tears, which slide down my face, but I hide them well.

Then I managed to sing Lord of the Dance, a song I learned on the guitar, and sang in services in the 60s, it was a new song then, it broke the mould. Those words, 'wherever you may be..' Where are they? Are they dancing now? Are they just dancing somewhere else, somewhere I will be one day?

Laa and Mec come over for lunch, and after we play some Peter Kay videos on the laptop, and we laugh...and we eat chocolate, then they are gone, and I go and walk the dog in the evening sunshine, and fight back the always present tears.

David popped round after church with an Easter card, home produced with his photos of spring flowers on. I'm glad Laa and Mec are coming round, he says as he leaves, have a nice day. Oh yes, I'll have a nice day. Simple, isn't it?

Alleluia, He is Risen. I went to church. I said the words. But I didn't feel anything. People were pleased to see me. Hello, how are you? Smile. Fine, thank you. So simple. But I am still part of the Dance. And the dance must go on.

Unity at the Cross

Every Good Friday evening, at 8pm, there is an ecumenical service here at the Abbey...called Unity at the Cross...except for the last few years, I have attended it most years. In fact, on many occasions, as different groups are invited to take the service, I have been part of it: performing a solo dramatic piece as Jesus' mother Mary; directing a piece of theatre, as part of Peter, the musical I co-wrote and directed, was performed one year; and another time I was leading the singing and music group...it was always a busy time of year, with rehearsals in the Abbey, and always a feeling of being humbled, a part of something much bigger than oneself...

Today I found myself reflecting on the fact that my lack of involvement with anything like that in recent years (other things took priority), I actually feel a bit removed from the events of Easter, and wanted to engage a bit more. I mentioned to DC about the service, as we often used to go together, and he was also thinking about going this year.

So it was, that he and I joined a few hundred people in the Abbey tonight - witnessing some Christian drama which could have been better and crap sound - so no change there then, and David wasn't anywhere near the mics....

I was pleased to be part of the service, to see a few familiar faces, people from many different churches, known to me through being in the cast of Peter...to go forward and light a candle and put it at the foot of the cross, and say prayers for people I know who may be ill, or distressed, or struggling..but to also join in praising God for the love in my life and the people in my life, and know that God lvoes me for who and what I am...

I did really well holding it all together, until we sang the words:

At the foot of the cross, there is healing for this nation,
There is rest for those who wait.
And the lvoe that we find is the hope of all creation,
We are stunned by what you gave.
We will wait at the cross, a hungery generation,
With our broken hearts and lives.
Will you hear? Will you hear? Will you fill our desperation?
Oh, God, let it be the time.

We will wait here at the cross, we will wait here at the cross,
We will wait here at the cross, we will wait here at the cross.

I wept and gave to God the desperation and awful sadness, grief and loss which caused me to be unable to go to work on Thursday morning, and has filled me most of this week...

I also sang one of my most favourite hymns, When I survey the wondrous cross, singing the tune and enjoying the deep harmony of the man next to me...took me back to Iona...

Love so amazing, so divine...demands my soul, my life, my all.

As promised....

Isn't she gorgeous? Well, the camel of course. We went for a walk together along the beach, along the shore of the red sea..in the sunshine...what an experience..it's the getting on and off which is the scary bit, as they go down on their knees, and up again...

The camel ride was followed by an evening with members of the Beduine tribe, starting with tea, a smoke of their bubbly pipe, then a lovely dinner, and lastly, they sat round an open fire, as it got dark, and played music and sang, and we danced....me and a couple of beduines...highlight of my holiday...oh that and the lveoly, gorgeous young man behind reception, who used to smile and wave when he saw me, and come round the desk to shake my hand and ask if I was enjoying my holiday. One time he said, 'I have to say something to you. You have very beautiful eyes.' 'Oh, thank you,' I said, 'What a lovely thing to say.' and I walked taller and smiled for the rest of the day. What a difference a few kind words can make....

The not-so-burning bush...

Of course it's not still burning, you sillies!! There would be nothing left to show the tourists.... we saw the site inside the monastery where it was..it is now a small hallowed dark space where we may not go in..but they have transferred the bush outside where it is growing kind of out of a wall, luckily above our heads, so people can't reach and pull bits off, like they all try to...it's thriving, so no worries for the burning bush then..if you want to know more, look up the web site of St Catherine's Monastery, the oldest monastery in the world, at the foot on Mount Sinai. It is now owned and lived in by Greek Orthodox monks.

Thank you for the sympathy and tips on ipod head phones. I don't feel quite so silly now....

More pics to follow...still very tired, (and cold!) so about to go to bed......

I'm back...

When I was little, part of my summer holiday routine was to stay with relatives in Bristol, driving the long drive from Liverpool through towns and villages, no motorways then, and we went through somewhere called Kidderminster, I always thought that was a funny name, and we always went to the beach at Weston-Super-Mare and I rode on the donkeys, over and over, I lvoed them, and hung around them when the donkey man was eating his lunch, and I remember him telling me to go away, or something like that..anyway, as you see from the photo, I have progressed from a donkey on Weston Sands to a camel by the Red Sea...I took this piccie of the group with my camera-phone...

Then I was hot. Warmed by the sun. Today I am cold. Freezing cold. Feels like winter. I have sun burn. Red and peeling skin. Heat rash- itchy bumps all over, driving me mad. I have aching muscles from the camel ride and sore calves where the saddle rubbed. I am a bit wheezy and chesty. My tummy is a bit delicate. Apart from that....

It was Egypt. The desert. Rubble. Barren. Hot. Noisy. Crowded. Lonely. I swam. I did the pool side stretching class. Every day. I did the water aerobics. Every day. I read two books. I missed my friends. Relax, unwind, just be yourself, they said. Yes....

Worst thing of all was my bl**dy ipod ear pieces. Could I get the them to stay in my ears? No I could not. They fell out, constantly, all the time..so bl**dy annoying. I must have funny ears. I showed Laura on my return, how useless they were, how I hardly used my ipod, how frustrated I was. Look, says Sally, they fall out. See how they fall out. Look, says Laura, you have them in the wrong way round. What do you mean, the wrong way round? See, Sally, see the L and R on the earpieces. Put them in the right way round. See how they stay in your ear.

Well, f**ck me, why didn't anyone show me that before????

Anyway, I have seen the Burning Bush. Really. It's still there. The one Moses' saw. So there. Ner.

Forgot to say...

..at last I have done it! Bought myself an ipod. Just couldn't face going away for

a week and having no music. and as I have spent the last couple of months loading loads of cds on to my laptop, it was easy to transfer it all, and now it is packed and ready to go..complete with my latest i-tunes purchase, the Peter Kay 500 miles comic relief video..that will keep my happy on the plane!!! All I have to do is get up at a quarter to four in the morning...night...xx..zzz

Packed and ready...

..Finally packed and ready for our week's break by the Red Sea. Feels weird. We have never gone away before June before, not abroad anyway, so the summer stuff was still all put away and had to be dragged out..and tried on... we have never gone abroad for only one week, so it seems a lot of work getting ready..it takes me about three days to unwind into a holiday!

But I'm sure it will be fine..even if I am missing a meeting next weekend which means missing out on meeting up with good friends..I wish it didn't clash...have had a headache most of the weekend, and have been very stressed and emotionally wound up...think I have calmed down now, but the levels of my anger and upset scare me, if no-one else! The stress is keeping it all inside when I am at home, so no-one knows...but me...and anyone who reads this blog!!

It is also scary to think that I will be away from here for a week, and keeping in touch with my friends through virtual chats....this on-line community is so important to me now, I will miss you...of course, I may find an internet connection in the hotel...

Seriously, I think I need the break. It was booked to celebrate - if that is the right word - an event I have been keeping quiet about, until it happened - that is my husband selling his business and 'retiring' to work from home. After months of stress it still hasn't happened, although stuff should happen this week, so even he is taking his mobile phone so he can negotiate and talk business from the beach..not as stress free as we intended...

Anyway, I will have my phone with me too...if you should need me...

Thoughts and feelings...

..Head and heart...constantly thinking and feeling..that's me..no wonder I am exhausted most of the time..no wonder I don't sleep well..the thoughts and feelings don't stop. Won't stop. Trouble is, I give control to someone else..allow someone else to dictate whether I am happy or sad. And tonight I am unhappy. No details....but I am very unhappy. And alone. And I should not depend on someone else for how I feel. That is what is meant by the Peace of God passing all understanding..it is the peace that comes from within and does not depend on someone or something else....I know I should seek God's peace and not try and make my own...

I watched the film Chocolat tonight. I have seen it before, but it was just after I read the book, and I think I spent the whole time making comparisons, being annoyed at the differences...tonight there was enough distance for me to accept the film for what it was...strange that in my last blog I mentioned sex, chocolate and pleasure, because this film was about all three. The church was represented as a place of denial of pleasure, of judgement and exclusion, until the priest found his own voice, and spoke of acceptance, embracing pleasure, not denying it, and inclusion, not exclusion. God gave us good things for us to enjoy them, not for us to deny ourselves...but all things in moderation. As long as we remember to thank Him for the good things in life. Like our friends.

And Johnny Depp, who can walk into my life anytime he likes..with or without chocolate...

As I was saying about friends, a CD arrived in the post today from the lvoely Caroline, a perfect present (recommended to her by whispering Bob Harris, so it must be good..) and I knew from the very first bars of Scottish folk fiddle that I lvoed it..thank you. I have such very caring friends. I should not be sad.

What a week....

Did a training day on Monday (as previously mentioned)...attended a county conference on Tuesday, on teenage pregnancy and parenting....about 200 females there (social work and related fields are so women orientated...even so only one or two men is unusual...) I managed to sit in the front row beside one of the men...he seemed different, alone....made the assumption he was one of the speakers, and made small talk..yes he was, I checked the list, a visiting professor, and expert in teenage pregnancy!! advising government on policy...I glanced at his name..oh you must be Richard...(so pushy) and we chatted a while....

He got up to give his talk, which was mostly about sex, why people have sex, or at least research into why teenagers have sex, and related topics such as programmes on Abstinence, or Delay..of which he was not in favour...how to give advice on sex or abortion and not take a moral stance...good and bad reasons for having sex....which are not obvious...and then he mentioned the subject of pleasure, that not enough is taught in schools about pleasure, and that actually if a girl is having sex because she wants pleasure, she should be told it is ok to do it herself, because if you can do it yourself you don't need to get off with some grubby boy on a Saturday night as the chances are you can do it better yourself. That bought some slightly nervous titters from his female audience....it was a riveting talk (at least I thought so..favourite topics, sex and chocolate...) but strangely, when he came back and sat down next to me, I wasn't sure what to chat to him about any more...

Anyway...I was up early to drive into Cambridgeshire to run more training, back in the office on Thursday..oh yes, training volunteers!!! then Friday trying to tie everything up to prepare for a week's leave.

I had hoped to see the guy who does our website for us (for free..love him) at around 3pm, but he didn't turn up, until I was closing up at just gone 4.3opm ready to party and be in a holiday mood...so I opened up the pc again, made him a coffee, and said, 'So, how's life?'

......................................anyway, I finally left the office at 7pm having spent 10 mins on the website and over two hours on his personal problems, finishing with writing a witness statement for his solicitor having heard call which came in on his mobile phone.....it's the last time I ask anyone how their life is...

Except for Liz, I asked her that on a late night call which finished at about 2am!!! But we giggled a lot and boy, is that one good way to end a stressful week....

Lovely things..continued....

After a long day involving a drive to a lvoely little hotel in Bishop Stortford to deliver training....a drive, it has to be said, during which I felt happy (I know, it doesn't happen very often), the sun was shining, and an hour's drive at 7.30am meant I could listen to Terry Wogan uninterrupted, and he often makes me laugh, I love the music he plays, and when he played the Comic Relief version of 500 miles with The Pretenders and Peter Kay etc, I laughed out loud and wished I had recorded said programme....)

Talking of recording programmes, don't worry Liz, that you ruined the ending of Mansfield Park for me, as when I settled on the sofa to watch it on Tuesday evening, all I had was the last 20 s*dding minutes of Extras..I have followed all your instructions with the equipment, and all is working well, except when you (or I, really,) press record when you are watching something, it magically records another s*dding channel.....I will work on that..still someone else told me Darth Vader turned out to be her father, so I don't need to watch it....actually, more to the point, as I came to bed having decided not to watch the end on Sunday might, Laura texted me with 'Eeeuw..they are cousins, that's not right at all.....' which caused me much amusement, so no, I don't need to see the ending.....I told her cousins doing it wasn't against the law, but it ought to be illegal to let them have children..(private joke, some of you will get it, if you don't ask Liz...)

ANYWAY..what I set out to say was that after a long day's training in BS (see opening sentence) I was whisked to London by family to see Billy Elliot..I know I saw it 18 months ago, but absolutely lvoed it, and wanted to share it with them...I watched enthralled, captivated, consumed..as usual, with my family coming from another planet they all thought it was 'OK' with James' Amy saying 'It wasn't as bad as she thought it was going to be.' OMG.

The only person who should have really lvoed it was Laura, who really wanted to see it, but she remembered after we took our seats in the gods, about 1500 feet up from the stage, and at a 45 degree angle, that Mec has vertigo and he looked alarmingly unhappy and ill, and so she had to take him out, and they reappeared below right in a private box which was super only it had a crap view of the stage..you win some you lose some....

We went out for pizza after, I had a small glass of red wine, got very happy and relaxed, much to the amusement of my family, who haven't seen me drink, a(although rumours are reaching them....). I slept all the way home on the train, the evening made complete by discovering finally that the trendy guy I was sat next to, who everyone else seemed to recognise, and I was nearly blinded by the jewels in his watch..was Chico...so there. Be impressed. Be very impressed. (Who?)

F*ck me is that the time? I'll be late for work. I meant this to be a short blog....

Lovely things....

Laa gave me a wonderful compact, silver, cool digital camera for my burfday, with which I have taken a couple of piccies but haven't had the time this week to study it and do more (but next week i will, more of that later...)

James gave me this album by Ray Lamontagne (known as The Mountain to his friends) and on the very first play I lvoed it instantly..didn't have to grow on me at all, so it has been playing pretty much constantly since Saturday..so if you like laid back, bluesy/American slightly folk/country, lyrics about hurt, pain, emotion laid bare with his unmistakable voice..this is for you....don't tell me, you've all got this album already, and I'm just catching up....

Mothering Sunday....

Mothering Sunday, being the day after my birthday, meant that my poor children felt obliged to spend two days with me - at least it gets it all over with in one weekend!!!!

The morning began for me, as you might expect, with a few tears: I missed my mum, wanted to call her, tell her I lvoed her: remembered other Mother's Days in the past: Clive's mother was coming over to go to church with us, I told Clive I wasn't going, and had the usual silent treatment....in the end, rather than sit in my bedroom being upset on my own, and unfairly ostracised for not toeing the line, I decided to go downstairs to the kitchen and share my distress, rather than hide it as I normally do...he did indeed take one look at me and I got a hug, and I said, I'm sorry, I still can't do church on Mother's Day, it's too difficult (the third one without her...unbelievable...) and he said, that's ok, and was nice to me after that.

I was torn between feeling I was right to share how I was feeling, make him understand, get a hug, but also felt I had 'got permission' to stay home (like a school excuse note) and I shouldn't need to do that....

Anyway, it meant I had a long and leisurely breakfast with James and Amy, and lvoed James' card to me, 'To my mummy from your little boy' (all 6' 4" of him...) Laura arrived in time for lunch and so we all sat down to roast beef, followed by a lazy afternoon of newspapers and snoozing.

I did mean to walk the dog, but it was so windy..and so me and Laa researched honey moons and wedding outfits on the internet and drank tea and ate the chocolate cake James bought me..mmmm...then later, when everyone had gone, there was Mansfield Park to watch..don't tell me the ending cos I fell asleep and gave up..will watch it tonight...

St Patrick's Day activities....

Starts well, breakfast in bed, a card and chocolate. Excellent. Then a dog walk with Jill..and Sophie, obviously. My colleague Nikki calls in with a card for me, and I cannot believe it when I open it..where did she find it!!!!!

A search on the web reveals that this guy has done a whole series of Sally cards...this one being the most accurate! Well, it made David laugh, anyway...

Brunch out, shopping, time with my kiddlies, a takeaway in the evening, then all of us settling down to watch a dvd - The Devil Wears Prada - complete with m&ms, popcorn and maltesers means that my diet has been postponed for another day or two...

I have so many flowers that the house looks like a flower shop - or a funeral parlour - not helped by the gift from my mother-in-law of a 'table decoration.' I'm sorry, it's a coffin spray, I've seen enough to know, and it fills my dining room table, leaving no room for plates...

The Chinese takeaway arrives complete with a small packet of chopsticks, marked, 'Made in Taiwan' and when I open them, a small grey bug walks out of the packet and on to the table. It has travelled a long way to be here. Good job I noticed or we would have thought it crawled out of the food. 'I ate lots of moving things just like that in my food when I was in China,' says James...but this bug is helped into the garden by Laa...we worry it might have a hard time finding a mate...

Party time!!!!

Yes, Friday night was party time.after a full on day. I was asked to help assess presentations given by participants at the end of a course...it was a beautiful sunny day, really warm, a lvoely venue, and I was given a lvoely bouquet of flowers at the end - most unexpected but much appreciated. I then drove much too fast back to St A and met Rosemarie for a quick lunch...she noticed my swollen face and was most concerned....I was disappointed to learn that she had made other arrangements and was now not free to swim - my fault for being indecisive....

I managed a couple of hours at work before going home to be a bit domestic - and as D was unable to meet up - I expected as such, I got the train to London to meet him there, and we made our way to the wine bar, and Oli's leaving party. I had a slight worry that someone might mention my blog to D, seeing as I have mentioned him of late, but no, people are more discreet than that. So imagine my joy when we meet up with Steve, and he says, So, David, what's all this I read about on Sally's blog, about you being late and letting her down and upsetting her? No, I hiss, he's lying, I never mention you on my blog.
Fortunately the gentleman in question laughs with delight because he is receiving attention, and like a naughty child, bad attention is better than no attention at all.

Steve continues, I wish I could capture the exact words: So, you are an intelligent guy, with a good job, lots of technical stuff to hand, e-mail, text, personal organiser etc, etc, and yet you still can't organise your life? This time I laugh like a drain at such a direct hit. He asks D why it is so difficult to answer phone calls or e-mails. D admits it's not but he just doesn't. As Steve points out he is proud of it, actually. See how much attention he gets....

Steve makes me laugh by pointing out some of my recent blogs have been so long and so angst ridden, that he gets half way through and thinks, I need a coffee, this is not going to end well....and comes back to tackle the rest..sorry, I will try and do better...

The evening is good, I catch up with good GB friends, and end up in a corner sharing a fag and a glass of wine with Emma, and Steve has the photographic evidence to prove it...we bid farewell to Oli, amid lots of hugs and red wine, and when we get thrown out of the wine bar at 11.30pm, the young people decide to go on to a club...D and I decide it's time to go home...

By the time I get to King's Cross I am an addict in need of a fix, and so we dice with death dodging fast moving traffic to get to a known supplier. In the doorway is a large black guy putting a small packet of something in his sock..ooh, look, I say, turning to D, and he says, yes, move along, say nothing...I buy a stash and put it in my handbag quickly and we make a quick getaway and back into the station. Once on the train I decide to share my drug of choice and offer D - dark chocolate bounty or Cadbury's dairy milk? And why bother with illegal drugs when this is so freely available and wonderful?

After giving D a lift home, I am back and in my bed by 1am...a quick fix of nurofen for my fat nose and I am ready for sleep....but it is already my birthday and I am excited...

More swollen....

The bridge of my nose has swollen more, and I have been taking ibuprofen for the discomfort and slight headache that appears to go with the problem. I know, I know, probably time to go to the doctor, but no time today...we shall see...

One of the problems of being in business with a Very Busy Person, is that business meetings are scheduled more 'hopefully' than definitely. We have work to do. We now try to meet every Monday evening which does work, but there is a great deal of time wasted with, will he come round early and go back and eat, or eat first and come round later, but he must get back early as he has to leave at 6.30am next day to head up north..or other issues which means that Monday nights are not without their tensions. Still this Monday we got a lot done.

Other probable work opportunities were remote communication on Weds evening, sometime on Thursday evening when he got back, and Friday afternoon, to prepare stuff for a meeting next Monday. Weds evening didn't go to plan, as his lateness contacting me and the fact that he still hadn't eaten meant he was tired, and although we did some work via mobiles and laptops, it was late and we didn't get much done. So we went for the option of Thurs evening on his return from the north..whenever that might be. I turned down an invite to meet up with Jacky on Thursday, and swimming with Rosemarie on Friday, due to my 'business commitments.'

I then realised that the situation (as you know, probably) means I spend a great deal of time waiting for phone calls (he was definitely going to call me at 12.30pm Weds with some address I needed..he called at 8pm...) I put aside Weds evening and just ended up getting frustrated waiting while he went out to eat, waiting for a call back, at nearly 10pm...then I thought, I have put aside Thursday evening and he 'thinks' he will get away on time..and having turned down swimming on Friday, he informs me he will now be in meetings in London and 'should' be back in time, but can't promise....

So I do a quick bit of thinking, and when he phones at 6pm Thurs to tell me he is on his way down from Yorks, due to arrive at 8pm, I tell him I am going to see Jacky for the evening, and suggest he just goes home. He is surprised. He then says maybe we can meet up late Friday afternoon if he can get away..and I say no, I am going swimming with Rosemarie..he is further surprised. But he does have a habit of saying we can meet at various times that work for him, assuming I am free and not checking what I am doing. I cancel things I could do in order to be free 'just in case.' You can see where this is leading..it leads to me becoming frustrated and resentful, and actually he takes no responsibility for planning time because he assumes I will just be there whenever. Wrong.

This is not sour grapes, it is just the situation, and I have to take control, and only plan for time that is definite, if not, I won't hang around. Much more healthy. So last night found me having dinner with Jacky and a girly catch up as we haven't seen each other for weeks (I haven't had a lunchtime free in two weeks - I am also juggling a busy full time job and evening meetings, it's not like I have all the time in the world....) and she looks at my swollen nose and worries about my cocaine habit. As a nurse, she concludes I may have an infection under there somewhere...bizarre...we have a healthy dinner, and once again I admire Jacky's slim figure in jeans, as last year she has gone down from a size 18 to a size 12..how come all my friends (naming no names...) can do it and I can't????

Today after a busy morning I am going to find time to meet Rosemarie for an early birthday lunch, and later go swimming, followed by a trip to London for Oli's leaving do. Should be a good day.

Small in the scheme of things I know....

While others blog, quite rightly, about Trident missiles, or people starving in Africa, or having no health care, or deep issues of faith, I know my blogs are fairly inward looking and about me. But we can't all be the same. And I do care about the other things...

And I worry that we are developing weapons of mass destruction (only for self defence you understand) in case the USA decide to attack us....

But I am also slightly concerned that the bridge of my nose became sore and painful yesterday, as if I had banged it - but wouldn't I know? Today it became even more painful, as if badly bruised, and it started swelling..now it is red and there is swollen tissue on both sides..and it hurts..surely I would remember if someone had head butted me?

Now I am not only fat but I look like a boxer. I will audition for the part of the Elephant Man...

Meant to go swimming tonight...oops....

The good news and the bad news.....

What to wear? The mother of the bride dress or mother of the bride suit?

This is usually the first thought going through a mother’s mind when her daughter announces she is engaged or getting married.

Start by talking to your daughter. What colour and style would complement her wedding dress and what does she think would suit your colouring.

Wear a statement hat or headpiece. You need to decide whether you should be looking for ladies dress hats, dressy hats for church or suitable hats for a wedding after 5pm?

Don’t feel you need to wear a suit. If the occasion is appropriate wear a dress. Elegance is the key requirement. Wear a solid block colour as opposed to busy patterns. The golden rule however, is to wear something that makes you feel good.

Such is the advice found in one article on the internet.....

The good news....Laura's wedding dress has arrived!!! We went (with bridesmaid Amy) to see it and have the trying on...Laa was nervous..would she still like it? Would it fit? The answers were yes, and yes..she looked stunning. Absolutely beautiful. And I am delighted that it fits like a glove, Laa is perfectly happy with her size and figure, so all she has to do is stay the same..no dieting stress leading up to her big day.

The bad news....despite my saying I would lose weight, especially since Christmas, I just haven't lost anything (well, the odd pound, but it really doesn't count...) and I had started to kid myself that it didn't matter, I am fine as I am...but that was before I tried anything on....

There was a lvoely shop round the corner from the bridal shop and it actually contained some outfits I liked..that was a first, so in we went and I tried them on..dresses and jackets..I went for a realistic size, so that if my luck was in the assistant could say, no you need a size smaller, not the other way round..well I got this floaty flimsy dress and put it on...came out of the cubicle....and it just clung to all the fat bits. I looked awful. Then I tried the jacket on and I needed a bigger size...

The lvoely scary glamorous pushy assistant was lining up outfits, I went to try on another dress, that looked awful, I heard the assistant say, is it for a wedding? Laa said yes. Then; Oh, is she Mother of the Bride? Yes... Oh, dear. we must find her something very spacial then, she needs to look good...I tried on another promising dress with a strange under arm zip..asked Laa to come in and help me..then she couldn't do the zip up..at which point, like a sad, fat person, I started crying and said, 'I don't want to do this any more, I just want to go home, get rid of that woman..' Ok. said Laa, taking control, going out and telling pushy lady that we had run out of time and needed to go, I pulled myself together and emerged from the cubicle into the shop..Oh, let me just show you these outfits, says pushy lady, and I say lvoely, but I need to go, and we got out as quickly as possible...

I should have tried something on weeks ago. It might have given me the shock I needed to do something about my weight. I did join the gym, I do pack my swimming stuff but I don't go....right excuse me I need to get up, pack my bag and actually go swimming after work..before having a lettuce leaf for my tea...

As it says in the article above...elegance is the key requirement. Maybe I could book a stand in???

Isn't it sad....

...very sad...you have a go at someone cos you are cross with them, and you get loads of comments with people joining in....then you feel a bit guilty, and try and be charitable and put the other side of the story, cos the guy isn't all bad....and no-one has anything to say!!! What does that say about society today, huh?

The other side of the story....

There is always another side to the story..let's be honest. To start with, the quiz was practically finished and I only had to add the music round, and I put in a history round, cos when I looked at the quiz (finally!) I thought we were a round short. And as for the Who Wants to be a Millionaire round at the end, he said that was done and the Power point presentation bought up to date, so all was ok. I also did a celebrity picture round for the tables..that was good fun...

The day ended up hectic instead of the easy day I thought, with Laa needing a lift into town as she had a flat tyre, but at least I got to see the wedding ring, and we had brunch out, and shopped a great deal, and suddenly it was almost 4pm and time to take chairs to the hall..and I still had some printing left to do, had to e-mail the pics round from my laptop to the pc for printing, and it didn't arrive, then the printer played up..so when he rang to say he had left Sussex and was on his way, and to check I had gone to meet Chris and pick up the fully loaded landrover, I had to admit I was running late, last minute printing etc etc and I sounded just like him..we are similar really, let's face it...

Anyway picked up Chris and Landy only 10 mins late (which hardly counts) and we unloaded into the hall (we parked in the Disabled Bay, which is usefully right next to the steps up to the hall.....think about it...) and started getting ready. Half an hour later, on the dot of 6.45pm as planned, he walks in, and I give him a big hug as I am very pleased to see him. He immediately does techie things with Chris, playing with the laptops and graphic projector and soon we have up on a big screen, welcome to the H***S***t Quiz, as he has personalised the presentation for this evening. Bless. We even add the charity logo, and we are all on good form and laughing already. I feel tonight will be a good one.

Soon the music is playing (I created an Itunes playlist especially for the evening) and we have 77 people in 10 teams, the hall is full and the quiz gets underway.

It went down amazingly well, people lvoed it, he and I took turns to ask the questions, and amid the banter and double act stuff that only he and I do, when on form, there is much laughter..especially when he is asking the questions and getting on famously with the audience..I turned to Chris and said, it is fun doing a quiz with David...he is so good...and Chris replied, yes, he has charisma..with the emphasis on the he...well, thanks Chris, I used to like you...

At the end the winning team selects one member to come forward for the Millionaire round, by which time I am relaxed and in my stride and getting laughs too as I introduce the enormous prizes.... unfortunately the man's lack of knowledge as to whether the clangers or the smurfs ate blue string pudding means that he drops out at the third round..but the powerpoint presentation D put together, showing the questions,50-50 slides, and answers, is very slick and impresses.

Finally, the raffle, which we do as a comedy act, mostly because one prize involves a session with a hypnotherapist, which no-one seems to want to win, and I have also put in a charity 2007 diary which becomes the focus of the merriment, as I was offering diaries all the way through as prizes, as I over ordered and have some unsold....it was entertaining to see the diary and hypnotherapy prize left to the end, to see what people would choose..the diary went first...and there were sighs of relief when people knew they hadn't won the last prize...

We didn't finish until 11pm, but so many people came up saying it was the best quiz they had been to, so professional, with our PA equipment and screen...(really professional until D spilled his wine into the sound desk which was very funny..still it kept on working, and was still dripping white wine as we packed up at the end...)

Even Clive, who is generally critical, said it was good and our hard work had paid off..the level of quiz questions seemed ok and there was something for everyone....

While I was driving to pick up the landy earlier, D had rung me to assure me he had left Sussex and was on his way (he was staying almost 2 hours away....) I had been feeling kind and generous the previous day and had said he did not need to come back, that after a hectic week he should stay with The Men and relax...but he insisted on coming back...he was talking to me on the phone and reception was bad and I wasn't really listening as I was thinking of a dozen things..suddenly my attention was caught by him saying something about getting packed up quickly at the end of the evening, and packing an overnight bag and going back with him as there was a spare bunk at the youth hostel..my mind raced at being invited to join a Men's weekend, as the only woman, I thought someone might notice, but what fun...as I said, ok....but not really on, is it? D laughed and said no, not you, silly, I said I have invited Chris to come back with me...oh, I see, yes, that's a good idea...

So we packed the landy by 11.30pm, and the last thing D did was to reach into the glove compartment and take out a dark chocolate bounty for me as a surprise present, which I have eaten this morning while writing this...I lvoe them, and not everywhere sells them, they are quite hard to find, so a lvoely thoughtful present...

I waved Chis and D off into the night in the audi, knowing they would not reach the hostel til about 1.30am, but glad D was not driving back alone..standing in the church hall car park, as their tail lights disappeared round the corner, there was just that feeling of being alone after a lvoely evening....you know?? I wanted to be going with them...

Still, I delivered the landy back onto D's drive, narrowly avoiding scraping the wall as the gap is tiny and I haven't done that before...I loaded my boxes and bags into my little car, and wearily, with aching knees and back, drove home.

The other side of the story..regarding D, of whom I can be so critical..we met up twice on Monday, lunch time and evening to work on the quiz when he had a great deal of work to do for important meeting...he went to Yorkshire early Tuesday on the train so he could work on contracts for his morning meeting, but ended up on the phone to me for a lot of the time cos I wanted to talk and he listened, until 30 mins from York he said, I must go..I have to do some work, and I felt awful...he came back on the train to attend a church meeting he thought was important that night, then packed the landy with our kit at 10.30 at night...headed back up north at 5.30 next morning...he rang me everyday to see how I was cos he knew I was feeling low and also unwell..even tho he had difficult contract negotiations and the first board meeting of his new company to prepare for and attend...

Last week when I got upset about my parents and lots of grief stuff came back to hit me, he was working from home and stressed, but came in to take me out to lunch to make sure I was ok, even tho he didn't really have time....

So there are two sides to the story, and I am some times too needy and too demanding...I am sure you all also have stories of his kindness..and goodness, good job he doesn't read this blog...and in the end, he came back to do the quiz, it was brilliant fun and I had a great time. Tomorrow I will let you know how much money we raised.

Would I do it all again? You bet I would...we our available for quiz nights, discos, weddings (not Laa's) and barmitzvahs.....