Doing my job properly...

One of the best things - in fact the best thing, the most important thing - about me being 'ok' within myself, and not absorbed with my own concerns, living on my emotions and struggling to stay in control - and some of this, I have no doubt, is still connected to my grief: just over two years since my mum died, not two years for dad yet..although I am so much better, under the surface it has to be there:

For instance, having had a good weekend, as previously blogged, I was in the kitchen happily cooking dinner on Sunday when James and Amy were over, and thinking how happy J seemed, I thought my mum would be pleased..then realised she never met Amy...and I suddenly felt her loss so deeply I just cried and cried, whilst turning the roast potatoes! Just sobbed helplessly as I drained the carrots..then a few moments later, James came in and said, 'You ok Ma?' and gave me a hug, and there I was , right as rain, and no-one would have known...

Anyway, where was I...one of the things that bothers me most is that if I am having a bad day, I really cannot do my job properly..I cannot be there..truly be there, for others. Centred. In the moment. And that is so important.

But this week I have been. And it makes what I do worthwhile, that I can connect and truly 'be there' for someone as they tell me their story...the young mother with three children whose partner has a terminal illness, and will have six months to two years to live...the mum with three children by three different dads and an ex partner who died...the mum whose partner is working abroad, trying to cope alone and hiding the fact that she is drinking too much...

I know I talk a lot...and a lot of rubbish! I know this blog is often shallow, but I hope, humorous.....but really, I do know how to listen. I do know how to sit still and quiet and hear someone's story, hear their pain, and not be overwhelmed with it: and somehow, when you have been really present for someone, really centred on them, they feel it somewhere, even if you do nothing, and they smile and say 'thank you' because sometimes people close to them, family and friends can't hear their pain, it's too much....and I ask the questions no-one else wants to ask..I need to hear the answers in order to work out how I can help..find them the right volunteer...

When I can leave my own stuff behind, stop being stupidly selfish and self absorbed, that's when God uses me. That's when I know what I'm here for.

Blimey, that's shocked you, hasn't it? Better check if you're reading the right blog.....