Thinking, thinking, thinking...

Generally I think too much. It's going over and over stuff in my head is like being on a ride I can't get off, and it exhausts me and consumes me. That's why I like being asleep so much! It gives me a break. All the thinking about stuff going on in my life is like twisting the knife in a wound, and it only hurts me, and eventually the emotion overspills into endless crying or the anger emerges with shouting, hitting things and..well, the language...you wouldn't believe..or maybe you would...

I don't know where the anger comes from, I never knew all my life I had so much anger inside..not sure it always gets directed appropriately, though... (sometimes it does...oh believe me...)

Well, this morning, when I was still feeling ok, I heard some words, some unexpected words: ill chosen? Thoughtless? I took it badly, I was angry and upset. I said so fairly forcefully and put the phone down. But the thing is..the good thing is, yes I was upset, but I didn't cry. Yes, I was hurt and angry, but I didn't lose it. I just felt it, acknowledged it and thought about it, and saw things a little differently. I decided I need to handle things a little differently. make a few decisions and stick to them....

The other good thing is, I was ok. Still balanced. Still went to work and got on with stuff, didn't collapse like a mad woman. I left work at the end of the day, still thinking, but still feeling ok, and telling myself that being in control, in balance, was good.

Until I walked a while in the unseasonable cold and rain to where my car was parked, a little way from the office..and it wasn't there...and then it dawned on me..I had been on a family visit during the day and had parked my car somewhere else...and so I had to walk round the whole block in aforementioned wind, cold and rain..unneccessarily....then I began to lose it...that just about did it. You muppet!