Hello.....

....I know, I've not blogged much recently. The last couple of weeks have been hard: not good. I have been so far in a cave of depression and sadness, and almost non stop crying, I have even embarrassed myself. Lost it spectacularly last Tuesday evening in a meeting with my trustees...so unprofessional.

No words=no blog. Can't explain it....can hardly explain it to myself, never mind you. And everyone is on about the wedding, I must be happy, I must be excited..and of course I am, underneath, but on top so very unhappy, and it makes it worse when I should be happy, so I feel awful, and guilty, and that makes me cry with despair, cos it shouldn't be like this...and so it goes on.

Today, I haven't cried. All day! Been in meetings, gave a talk on my charity this evening...feel so much better. I can do this. I can be MOTB. And I checked the on-line weather forecast - no rain on Friday!!! After 10 days of continuous rain, I have caught myself saying, Please God, don't let it rain on Friday, not on Laura's wedding day. Then I feel embarrassed, and I hear God saying..not another one about the weather...ok, of course, when there are awful things happening in the world and people are sick and dying, of course I'll make sure it doesn't rain near St Albans on Friday, no problem. Ttch..just what kind of God do I believe in????