Is it me???

I posted a few days ago that we were going to do a quiz. We have been planning it for quite a while. Sure the date's in your diary? Yes. Sure you are free that night? Yes. Absolutely sure? Yes. (You can see where this is heading, can't you?) We need plenty of time to write it. Yes. I don't want last minute panics. No. Or stress. No.

So we have written most of it. Never mind if we can't get together. We can do it one evening over webcam when I am here and he is in Yorkshire. Really. Ok.

Then, when we meet up on Monday, he has good news and bad news. I sit calmly and wait - knowing. The good news...Our lvoely assistant, Chris, one of our crew, is free to assist with all things technical on Saturday night. The bad news is...I wait. I breathe. He has accidentally double booked. He is supposed to be away on a church weekend. I wait. I look. I say nothing. He says he will come back on Saturday evening to do the quiz with me. I nod. It's the right answer.

And that, is exactly why you are not doing the disco at my daughter's wedding. The reason why we have booked a professional DJ. He looks hurt. That is unfair, he says. Oh no it isn't.

On Tuesday and Wednesday evenings when he is in Yorkshire, somehow we don't have the time to finish the quiz. I ask him to e-mail it to me. It is only on his laptop, and I have to plan for the chance that he might be late on Saturday..so I would like the quiz on my laptop. He says he will e-mail it to me, but also we can work on it on Thursday evening when he gets back to the hotel, around 11pm.

I finally switch the computer off and go to sleep at sometime after 11pm. I am woken by a text at around midnight saying he has got to his room later than planned after a nightcap. I reply and ask him something. He says, sorry, too sleepy to talk to you now, can we talk in the morning? Oh B*gger off is my reply, as now I am awake and it takes another hour to get back to sleep.

The conversation in the morning when I am in my office and he is driving to a meeting (and running a bit late actually) involves me getting quite angry that the quiz is not finished, I don't have a copy and I have the stress of having to fetch the Discovery from his house on Saturday, drive it to the church hall and unload all the equipment he promises is in there, and hope he arrives in time to help.

Will you please f*****g e-mail me the quiz? Yes, he says, getting aggressive, I said I would on Tuesday. But it's Friday and you still haven't f*****g sent it!! Well, he says..and this is the statement of the year...'I didn't know we were working to your specific timescale.'...what?: what? My timescale would be to get the quiz before Saturday, so that I can print it out...when exactly did he have in mind?

Well, later this afternoon after my meeting. Why not now? Haven't got time. Will e-mail at 12.30pm when my meeting is over.

I text at 2.15pm asking politely for the e-mail. It arrives at a quarter to three and he says his meeting overran....

Is it me? Is it me? Or is it any wonder my stress levels are high?

Tonight the quiz is finished. I have added a music round, a history round and a celebrity pics round. I am pleased with it. We have over 70 people coming. I hope it's good...watch this space...

Really, really, really busy....

..Liz said she didn't have time to be ill, and couldn't possibly take a day off..it looks like she has had the whole week off..sometimes we just have to give in and be ill...I feel guilty that she couldn't just give in to it at the weekend, but kept going for my sake...a friend indeed...

I had such a busy week ahead, I had similar thoughts...can't be ill...Monday saw my secretary back from two months leave due to parental illness and worse...she is now trying to get 'back to normal' and I know how it feels...at the end of a long day I has supervision where I cried a bit and admitted I was going backwards a bit..a lot of stuff going on...things about my parents brought back up, pre-wedding stress..work stress..and me being me...

After supervision I almost ran to my nlp diet group..I had lost a whole pound - hooray! - then we were hypnotised and I went into a deep relaxing trance while being talked to about willpower..I think my subconscious heard it..I came round feeling peaceful and deeply relaxed.looked at my watch, jumped up and ran back the length of the high street, got back to my office and ran a two hour training session on child protection - or safeguarding children as it is now known. Got home at 10pm...

Tuesday passed ok but I didn't feel at all well Tuesday evening and wondered if I was going down with Liz's lurgy...I was very stressed, and my tummy was all knotted, and Laa came round to talk through a few things...by Wednesday morning I knew all was not well with my stomach..I went into work late and spent the day feeling fragile. I would have had an early night but - joy of joys! - James came home for the evening and we really had a good night, lots of talking and sharing and a few hugs for me, bless him...it was lvoely to have some time even if I did feel ill and fall asleep on the sofa...

I should have had today off, I was still unwell this morning, but Nikki has gone skiing (so inconsiderate) and I had a volunteers' training day to run and a Parenting Programme to run this evening. I managed to keep going with the help of a cup of tea and slices of toast..finally collapsing into bed at 10pm.

The upside of the last few days is that I should have lost a few more pounds when I weigh in at the nlp group next week!!! And another thing, when you are busy, you don't have time to be miserable. So there.

This is wot I bought...

It's a John Rocca blouse. Quite nice I thought. Liz made me. She said it looked very nice. (But not as thin as this picture might suggest...) Even the lady at the till said it looked good on me. And given she was fierce and nearly came to blows with Liz, she was scary, I was grateful for her kindly comment. So it's in the wardrobe til summer. Or Egypt. Whichever comes first.

Went to my nlp diet group last night. Weighed in. Have lost a pound!! Did another guided relaxation which made me feel very peaceful. Then I woke up and it was all a dream..and I had to run back to the office by 7.30pm to run a Safe&guard*ing Childr*n training for my volunteers. I put out chocolate biscuits. I didn't have one. i got home at a quarter to ten, tired and hungry and ate some lasagne Clive had made. You know what? I think probably the best lasagne I have ever tasted. I think he should take over the cooking completely.

I drove up north...

I drove up North to Manchester
Through a sea of driving rain
And in the same conditions
I drove back home again.

I drove up North to Manchester
A good friend for to see
And despite the lateness of the hour
She cooked sea-bass for my tea

We sat up late to talk awhile
The way that good friends do
But sadly had to cut it short
When my friend went down with flu

The next day we went shopping
The way that girlies do
And despite her feeling poorly
We still bought a thing or two

We went out for the evening
And the curry it was fine
And despite the celebrations
We were home tucked up by nine

We curled up on the sofas
And watched a dvd
I relaxed and went to sleep a while
At peace, just her and me

On Sunday she felt better
And we talked a little more
And went out for our dinner
Just what Sundays are made for

Then last of all, a visit made
To see the birthday boy
He beat me at a singing game
Which seemed to bring him joy

A long drive home through driving rain
The dark, the wet, the spray
I composed this poem in my head
To share with you today

I drove up North to Manchester
I went because I could
And the verdict that I come to now
Is - thanks: it was all dead good.

Thinking...

Doing a bit of Blog hopping this morning, and delaying getting up as usual..I looked at Jude's blog, then at a comment made by Cal, which led me to look at Cal's blog, which I hadn't done before. I found the content interesting and challenging..I read the prayer for Lent a couple of times and just sat and looked at it for a while...and I read Cal's musing as to whether her blog is for herself or written for others.

It's something I often think about. When we write we know that others are going to read it, and I enjoy the thought that others might enjoy my blog- especially when I have funny stories to tell! I am a born entertainer!

But...very often I think, I won't write this or that, no-one will want to read that, or how sad will this make me sound..or how depressing...and yet if it feels right and honest, then I do write it, because I think..this blog is me, I am not editing out simply on the grounds of 'What will people think?' I edit on what I decide is not appropriate to share, or what I do not want to share, as we all do.

But..I wish my blog was different. I wish I had more to say about Life rather than my life. I wish I had more to say about my faith. I used to write about it, speak about it...I used to lead church services, have been known to speak in church (I hesitate to use the word preach, don't like it.) I wish my blog didn't reveal someone of my age still stumbling around being self obsessed..I was more together and more mature when I was a teenager. I was baptised at 14, the full total immersion, a real witness to my friends and family. I was so sure. So sure my life was in God's hands.

I wrote and directed Christian musicals. People from almost every church in the area were involved. I was invited to be on the Exec of our local Council of Churches. I formed my ecumenical Christian theatre company, and made an impact on the church life in my city that can't be underestimated.

I trained as a dramatherapist and began therapy work with groups and individuals which changed my life. I now run a charity and am working with people, helping people, laughing and crying with people as I share their journey on a daily basis.

I am a lvoely person. I know cos people who care like me. And they tell me. I am fun, creative, outgoing, sociable, capable....

I am also vulnerable, emotional (and with my blog title, nearly time for a little something, I can identify with Cal, I always look at the puddings on a menu first....)...mixed up, cry a lot and am back on anti-depressants. Why oh why? And like I said, I don't like my blog. As my blog is me, it must follow that I don't like me very much.

I feel guilty that I may have lead Stu to read the Purpose Driven Life when I didn't go to the group last week as I was too depressed and couldn't face it, and I haven't even opened the book.

I need to read Cal's prayer again.

Oh, and I need to pack.....

Quizzes R Us...

We have written pub quizzes for GB, for fun in the Beer tent, and for Ops weekends, for fun in the bar...then we adapted one of them for use at David's New Year's Eve party, which went down well in a drunken sort of way...

Now we are adapting that one for a quiz night next Saturday for a charity I know of...wot I work for..me and DC will do the quiz and the raffle, the local chippie will provide the supper, and a good time will be had by all..and if we are very lucky, we'll raise some money too.

Did Active Listening and Communications skills training with my volunteers today...always enjoy that, it's generally a new skill for them and I lvoe to see them take it on board and practice and grow a little in awareness and confidence...

I had my hair cut and coloured today on the grounds that it had got too long, too dark, and was boring. Now it is shorter with layers and some blondy streaks. It cost me a lot of money. Do I like it? Well, I rushed home, jumped in the shower and washed it, blow dried it and cut the long straggly bits off the ends....I like it a bit better now...it's true that they say, if you can't change your life, you can always change your hair. And regret it...

Decision made....

..Rightly or wrongly, after two bad days, I found two months supply of anti-depressants in the draw and have, as of this morning, put myself back on them. Feels like a bit of a backward step, as I came off them last summer, but as I am not coping with life very well, I thought I would...

There is a lot going on for me in life, work and stuff, which of course I can't blog about, but it's there. One issue which came to a head yesterday is that my secretary has been off work more or less since Christmas, apart from the odd day, looking after her elderly parents..and now just her mum..I have been trying to manage the work load, and support her as a friend and manager, now her dad has died, and it hit me yesterday that I took very little time off to be with my mum and dad, especially my dad when he was so ill and alone, and it's bought all that back for me, and I wish I had taken more time off and gone to stay with him and look after him, and I just was distraught yesterday that I put work first..ended up running a training session for volunteers with red and swollen eyes and only just kept it together...

Anyway, I managed to make it into work again today, wearing my glasses to hide the eyes! And I attended a professionals meeting to try to help a young mum suffering from depression...know how she feels...

Anyway, anyway, nothing like a trip to the cinema with a friend to cheer one up! I let Rosemarie choose the film, a nice film about Scotland, or so I thought..well, no...what a film! The story of Idi Amin, President of Uganda, that had Rosemarie hiding under my coat at the nasty bits..but a brilliant film all the same. We ended up going for a coffee, and talking so much, that we left and a waiter followed us out to tell us, so politely, we hadn't paid....ooh, we could have been arrested and been in the papers....

I could also have heard, courtesy of Liz, a bit of The Feeling's I Love It When You Call, but I missed it, cos I was on the phone to DC at the time...some will appreciate the irony of that statement..which reminds me, I should remember to turn my phone off in the cinema...

Nearly time....

..to take this diet seriously. Don't laugh!!! I went to the first meeting of a pilot group last night, run by someone I know through work who has retrained as an nlp and hypnotherapy practitioner, and our paths have crossed, she has told me about her work...then by chance a few weeks ago I saw a Paul McKenna programme on TV and he uses similar techniques: I looked up his website and it is all about nlp..well it has got me interested...

DC and I were having a late breakfast on Saturday at our regular little cafe and I was telling him all about my friend, her work, Paul McKenna helping this woman give up chocolate, all in my loud enthusiastic way, when this little old lady to my left prodded me and said, 'That looks nice, dear, is it nice?' pointing at my filled croissant (filled with scrambled egg, bacon and tomato, not chocolate') and I looked at my poised fork and replied, 'Um, it probably is nice, if I ever stop talking long enough to eat it, I'll let you know..' which cracked up DC, and the little old lady and her friend decided to order it anyway...they then st in total silence through their breakfast, listening to us. Oh well, I lvoe to entertain....

So we carried on talking, and we talked more about nlp and how it works, and my hope it will help with my diet, and I was saying that Paul McK does this weird tapping thing with his clients and that seems to help, he kind of prods them while he's talking to them..so DC prodded my shoulder and said, 'Look into my eyes, you don't like chocolate..there, you're cured,' which made us both giggle, then suddenly this lady from a table to my right appeared and said, 'Excuse me, I couldn't help overhearing, I use the tapping technique, here's my card,' and handed me her business card which offered a free 15 minute tapping session to help me give up smoking. 'Oh, it works with food,' she said.

'What is this,' I said, 'Is everyone in the cafe listening to me?' 'Probably,' said DC.

Anyway, I went to this pilot session last night and there was a bit of talking and we all got weighed (reminds me of a joke, but not now...) and then the hypnotherapy bit, which I was looking forward to..turns out to be a guided relaxation really, which is what I use in therapy groups..not sure if I 'went under' or just went to sleep..the bit about imagining myself as a slim person, opening my fridge and seeing what was in there and throwing away the fattening stuff..it reminded me I have a packet of mint kitkats in there, and a couple of mini custard tarts..would I eat them when I got home????

Actually I didn't, cos C was home and he had cooked the dinner, but it was close. Well, I might try the Life of Purpose housegroup tonight..it's the second one, I missed the first going to the concert last week...my good friend V is leading it, if I went I would be supporting her..I know we all have reservations, but I think I'll give it a go....

Well?

Well what, dear? Well, will I sleep tonight? Last night wasn't bad. Will I make it through another day? Another week? More to the point, another weekend? What can I do to dull the pain? Eat more chocolate? Drink more whisky? Take some pills?

No, keep smiling. Keep busy. Keep working. Just.

A scandalous evening...

Seeing as how I went to the pics with Laura last week, and am going with Rosemarie next week, I took notice of the whingeing that C wanted to go and see Notes on a Scandal, and booked for tonight. How come I have to do everything? Sigh...

It was another good film, with wonderful performances from Judi Dench, Cate Blanchett (much prettier than I remember her) and Bill Nighy..I lvoe Bill, a great comic actor with impeccable timing, but as with Hugh Grant, can be a little predictable...in this film he is different, and the screaming row with Cate is spot on...I know incandescent anger when I see it, and I often feel like screaming like that!!!!

Judi Dench's character change dimension as the story unfolded, and I was genuinely surprised at what developed...truly scary...

Oh well, I ought to try and get some sleep..I was so bored and yet wide awake last night I was looking people up on Friends Reunited until gone 1am!!! Hoped for someone to pop up on-line and say hello, but you have all got lives...or else you were asleep...

Shopping....

This afternoon Laa and I hit Watford (we know how to live) for a little retail therapy..she shopped, I watched..I was going to look for an outfit for the Mayor's Civic Ball next Friday, but as my Chair has forgotten to get tickets....

So I watched Laa getting new trainers and boots..and we fitted in a tea and cake stop....as we were walking through the shopping centre, we passed a stand selling Vibrating Massage Cushions...I giggled, then went eeuw..that's rude, fancy sitting on a vibrating massage cushion..that's really rude....Laa fixed with a stare worthy of Saffy in Ab Fab, and said, 'Really mother, they are for shoulders and necks.' Then it dawned on me...how did my daughter get to be so wise??

A risk that worked out...

When J came home for Christmas, two years ago, he had been working in design for a few years, mostly interiors and exhibition..but still had a dream to design furniture. He designed his own stuff in his spare time, but had never had anything made professionally. Feeling he was stuck in a rut, he sent some designs to two large furniture companies to see what would happen. They both offered him freelance work. One job he could do along his full time job, but the other was an offer of a three month contract. To do this he would need to take a risk and give up his job. What did I think?

I thought, go for it, you have nothing to lose. Well, not much, in comparison to giving your dream a go!! I thought, he must be good, if they offer work on the basis of a 'cold call' and they must receive many such approaches...

So he did, he joined H*bit*t for three months..then another three..then six, then a year's contract. That has taken him through two years. This week he was made Design Manager for Furniture, and given a permanent contract. He is smiling. Which he doesn't do much!!! Takes a lot to make him smile...and it was a wry smile to be also offered company private health care after his recent back problems and just paying out £600 for an mri scan....still, it can't all be good news can it!!!

Laa and I were talking about J when we went to the cinema and she said that someone at work had seen a sink he has designed in the magazine Ell* D*coration.. I said oh yes, I meant to by one, I'll get it on Saturday, and Laa said, where on earth are you going to put a sink, you don't need one, and I said, no, not the sink, the magazine..I don't know where she gets it from...

Cheesy and proud of it....

Last night Laa and I took ourselves to the pictures with a bag of Minstrels (M&Ms sold out..ttch). We saw music & lyrics with Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore. Verdict? Cheesy chic flick..but we lvoed it..we were laughing from the opening moments at the video of a young Hugh performing in his 80s Pop band....

Not an intellectual challenge, but if you quite like Hugh, and a bit of pop music and a romantic storyline..this is the film for you..there were some good moments....we laughed a lot..and drove home singing the main song which stays in your head...Hugh has a passable singing voice...I quite liked it, Laa wasn't so convinced...

Good, warm, cosy night out for mum and daughter...rumour has it tho that blokes find it funny..and Hayley Bennett gives them something to look at...

And I thought I was dim....

I picked up my phone to leave the office last night, and noticed I had missed a call cos it was on silent. My friend S of Dog Collars fame!!! I rang back and apologised for not taking his call. 'That's ok,' he said, 'Cos C*ll*n answered his phone.' I laughed. Oh how I laughed. 'No, really, you didn't, and DC did, and he has answered the question.' Oh the shame, me not answering and DC actually being available....

'So what was the question?' I asked. 'Oh we had a invitation to a party and we thought it was from you or Dave.' Really? 'Yeah, but it's a family friend/relative and it's not in St *lb*ns, it's in Br*df*rd.'

Oh, right. Pause. And I thought I was the one who was not very bright????

And the music was good too....

A return visit to the Cadogan Hall, because it is such a lvoely venue, I knew Clive would like it, so I booked for us and Jacky to go to a concert there last night. When we got there, Clive asked what the music was, and I said, I don't know, I chose the evening cos the young cellist looked rather gorgeous...
Clive tutted in a resigned sort of way..and it made Jacky laugh..anyway, I lied, it was only partly true, the London Phil Orch were playing and the programme was excellent..and Thomas played the most wonderful cello solo piece..a good time was had by all...(I recounted all this on msn last night to DC, who accused me of being shallow. Moi???)

I came home hungry, on account of having not eaten, and a conversation earlier in the week with someone about eating cereal as a child, before going to bed, must have stuck because I suddenly fancied a bowl of weetabix with ice cold milk. Mmmm....

This morning I logged on and found that the e-mail from Tony Bliar re the road pricing had gone into my junk-mail box. Clever laptop for working that one out....

Hmmmm.did I do it right???

Pure Nerd
60 % Nerd, 21% Geek, 26% Dork

For The Record:

A Nerd is someone who is passionate about learning/being smart/academia.
A Geek is someone who is passionate about some particular area or subject, often an obscure or difficult one.
A Dork is someone who has difficulty with common social expectations/interactions.
You scored better than half in Nerd, earning you the title of: Pure Nerd.

The times, they are a-changing. It used to be that being exceptionally smart led to being unpopular, which would ultimately lead to picking up all of the traits and tendences associated with the "dork." No-longer. Being smart isn't as socially crippling as it once was, and even more so as you get older: eventually being a Pure Nerd will likely be replaced with the following label: Purely Successful.

Congratulations!

A better evening....

A bad morning..after a restless night, a bit of a low resulting in a lot of tears...and the necessity of wearing my glasses to work to hide the swollen eyes..bless, N, she knows when I have a bad day, I sit at my desk and talk to her, but cry hopelessly at the same time..eventually I stop and get into work and then I am fine. Good news - we are connected to Zen Broadband and up and running again! The lovely little IT guy who has helped out, who has made 6 visits to the office to sort this fiasco out, gave me his bill today, £317. Perfectly reasonable, and it will shortly be winging its way to Orange along with a demand for compensation. Watch this space.

So I came home from work, planning my evening home alone while C is at his web design evening class. I waited I was really really hungry, got out the wok, added extra virgin olive oil, freshly ground salt and pepper, then prepared to add the chicken pieces, stir fry fresh vegetables and noodles. I looked for the bag..everywhere..then it dawned on me, that will be the bag of shopping still on the floor by my desk....

Good job I had that pizza and garlic bread put by..not as healthy but very yummy..I put my feet up and watched The Bad Mother's handbook. I have read the book and enjoyed it, and lvoed this dramatisation. Good to see Catherine Tate playing something different...I liked her in this..strong performances all round.

Tucked up in bed now. Feeling tons better. Maybe I will sleep tonight....

How sad am I.....

...for being on line late Sunday night, signing on to msn for someone to talk to, cos I can't sleep....no-one is coming out to play. Sad. Lonely. In need of a cuddle.....

Found a pic of me amongst my dad's stuff..my publicity pic when I left drama college. When all of life was in front of me...all my dreams yet to be realised...I paid a lot of money to have 100 printed, and sent them out to agents. Paid a lot of money to have the pic included in Spotlight that year too. Waited for the offers of work to pour in...not.

Gosh, I looked so peaceful then didn't I? I'm sure I had a real sense of peace and inner calm. It must still be around here somewhere....given that the pic was taken..um...over thirty years ago, it was nice to find it kept amongst my father's things..I had no idea he still had it...

A Hard Day's Night, Part the Second

I haven't been sleeping very well. There are lots of not sleeping very well types - one is Upset...and it's not that. One is Hormonal..and it's not that. No, this is just Being Awake. And the weird thing is, Hormonal does on the hour..generally 4am...Upset is all over the place...but this Being Awake does on the half hour...strange.

It's been the last couple of weeks..no matter what time I go to sleep, I am awake again, and a time check makes it half past two. I hate that, because there is a Long Night Ahead. I just wake up, instantly, and am Awake. Not sleepy...my brain is as awake as if I hadn't been asleep. And there is no reason. I am not thinking about anything. I am not worried. Just Awake.

A few nights ago, I was awake at the usual 2.30am. Went back to sleep. Woke up. 3.30am. Slept. Woke up. 4.30am.......repeat...5.30am.....6.30am. Stayed awake then.

You would think I would then be dog tired during the day. I'm not..and you know how easily I fall asleep generally.....so I Made Plans.

First, drink De-Caff coffee in the evening (thank you Maria for buying some and leaving it in my cupboard...) altho I think it has nothing to do with it, I always take a coffee to bed and it makes no difference, but hey, I'll try anything....then, get rid of the dog..Sophie sleeps in a basket in my room, and she is restless, wriggly and snuffly..she gets up and shakes herself, scratches at the carpet and is generally a nuisance. Is she keeping me awake?? So this night (after my day with James, as described in my last post) I went to bed early-ish, didn't bring my computer to bed..put the dog in Clive's room, shut my door, drank my de-caff, read the paper and waited to feel sleepy. And waited....

I lay down to sleep. I slept. Woke up. Half past 2. B*gger. Now I have using some new moisturising cream...and my legs felt itchy..I scratched..they got more itchy. I tossed and turned, tried to sleep, no, brain is too awake, legs too itchy. I wonder what it is. Have I got Itchy Legs syndrome, and I will always have it now, and never sleep again...I get to the point where I realise I am not going to sleep. I hatch a plan..I put the light on. I sit up and look at my legs...oh dear.....little red bites dotted around..bl**dy h*ll, the dog has fleas and my banishing her next door they have come and found me. B*gger.

I go downstairs, hunt in the medicine cupboard and find anti-histamines to stop the itching..with any luck they'll cause drowsiness and stop me from using machinery at the same time..I take out 2 ibruprofen for luck, they might help me sleep, and I also make a mug of hot milk and add a generous tot of whiskey..now you know I don't like whiskey, but my mummy used to give me this medicinally if I was ill and couldn't sleep, and I thought it tasted nasty, but now I like the associated comfort, if that makes sense. Last but not least, Time for a Little Something. 4 digestives. Cos I didn't have any dinner, and it could be hunger keeping me awake...

So I go back to bed, read the local paper (nothing too stimulating) pop pills, drink my alcoholic drink, eat biscuits, wait to feel sleepy. And wait. And wait. Finally I decide to lie down and see what happens..I look at my phone..it's a quarter past 4.

Next thing I know it's 7.15am and Clive is bringing me my tea. Time to get up..and I am bl**dy sleepy now. C'est la vie.

A Hard Day's Night...

I logged on this morning, read the latest comments on my blog and added one myself. I then went on to spend a happy 20 minutes reading other blogs, before coming back to mine to write this post. I noticed someone had added a comment to my post, and looked, all excited. Then I realised it was me...doh..if I had a brain I'd be dangerous...

I worked on my laptop at home and didn't make it in to the office before leaving for Stansted at 20 to 11..a clear run meant I was there by 11.30 and trying to park near the terminal..the clever layout means that's impossible unless you are just picking up/dropping off..nowhere to actually leave the car without risk of clamping..the very near car parks were full, so I parked a couple of minutes walk away, but noted it was a flat walk straight into the terminal..ok for a wheelchair....

I waited an age..then James appeared in an airport wheelchair being pushed by a work colleague, who handed him over and went off to get his train. I took over and set off pushing large 6' 4" son and bag to the car park...a lot of it was down hill, so I was trying not to lose control..from what James was saying, even his brief experiences of being in a wheel chair had not been good ones....

Anyway, I got him to the car, eased him in, seeing, as he stood up, how twisted his back was, one shoulder was about 6 inches higher than the other. I asked if he wanted to come home with me to be looked after, but he said no, he would rather go back to his flat. So we drove into London, arriving in H*ghgate about 2pm, and went into a lvoely pub for a late lunch. I really, really had to get into the office, but what the heck..we were talking and sharing and it was good quality time...

Then I drove him to his flat for about 3.15pm, when he did the comedy routine of going to get his keys out of his pocket and doing all that patting of pockets and frantic searching which resulted in..no keys. A phone call to the hotel in Italy confirmed they were in his room..now James is very organised and tidy and hate chaos..you can imagine how he coped with this next setback, to add to a wasted trip to Italy, two days and a night in the same clothes because he couldn't undress or dress himself..his bed, painkillers and all he wanted were upstairs in his flat...

I said, not to worry, he was unwell, just about coping, these things happen, the hotel will post the keys back. And then I said..really I did, because the idea of a Purposeful Life is still in my head, all happens for a Purpose...'James, this is just God's way of telling you to come home with your mummy.' He looked at me for a second, then rang his girlfriend, asking her to kindly leave work early and kindly go to her flat and let him in to stay the night..oh, well that told me... and to think he used to need me....

So back in the car..not further into London to A's flat, but back up to H*ghgate to the public toilets as by then we were both desperate!!! After that visit I headed back into London to A's flat, arriving about 4pm and giving up all hope of getting into work today. I was given a cup of tea and a penguin..ooh, haven't had one of those in ages, haven't they got smaller, they were huge when I was a child...

I sat on a chair and J and A bagged the sofa. A was due to go to a party this evening, and J was encouraging her to go, she was saying, no she would rather stay in with a cripple..well she didn't say that, but you get the drift. Then the TV went on, and Quantam Leap started, and they were both excited..ooh, who is he going to be this week..like two little kids...I felt surplus to requirements so said my goodbyes and left, heading back out to St Alb*ns, arriving at 6.30pm..that will be the day gone. I walked in the door, sat down at the dining room table, switched on my laptop and started work on my newsletter. By 10.30pm I had it done, and figured I needed to stop and get some sleep....but no..I'll tell you next time....

Frustration, frustration.....

..so there I was on Tuesday morning sitting at a meeting in Cheltenham..one I had travelled a fair way to attend, and one in which I hoped to make a valuable contribution. I started off voicing my opinion..feeling assertive, my opinion is as good as anyone else's, I have confidence in my contribution..but when the chair carries on as if you haven't spoken, and constantly asks everyone else's opinion, then sums up and makes a decision leaving my contribution out..well, one's assertiveness starts to crumble....

Then, when he acknowledged someone else's contribution on another subject, and left me out again, despite having been reminded on previous occasions of my involvement..and two or three people at the table were kind enough to say. ''and Sally...' I found myself saying, 'Look, you either accept that I am round the table here or I may as well go home.'..rather sharply, and heard several intakes of breath round the table...

To give the chair his due, he paused, said, 'Um...I've lost my thread now...' and then carried on as if nothing had happened. But...he did start to give me eye contact for the rest of the meeting..so something worked. And then we had lunch together in the pub after as if nothing had happened. Nothing was said. How terribly British.....but...I said my bit. And it needed to be said.

My other frustration, apart from my secretary still being away and my colleague taking half term off, so I am on my own this week trying to deal with a million things apart from what I should be, ie volunteers and families...the Internet is still down, my newsletter is nearly two weeks late..so i bring it home to do on my laptop last night because I have internet connection and can therefore access clipart as I work.......

Except for last night..the broadband was too slow, nothing worked, the clip art wouldn't download, my document kept crashing and I couldn't access any web sites....I worked out it was somehow the fault of Valentine's day and the world and his wife/girlfriend/mistress was on-line. B*gger to all of them (bah humbug) but it made me turn the pc off at 10pm before I blew a fuse, and I had an early night.

This morning, I have sat up in bed and worked for a hour or so, internet is back to normal, clip art accessed.

Will I get all my work done today? No. Because James, who hurt his back in Hong Kong flew out to Italy yesterday and his back went again on the plane..he has spent 24 hours in the hotel airport unable to move, didn't go to the factories to see the upholstery for his furniture..and has been put in a wheel chair and on to a plane home this morning..you can imagine how the phone call from him yesterday added to my stress...I felt so helpless...but today I am driving to Stanstead to bring him home....

The other thing I did to help was to ring the hotel in the Cotswolds to cancel his booking for a romantic weekend away with A. He told her before he left Weds morning. She was so excited. Not going to happen this weekend.....as I said, frustration, frustration.....

Did I forget something?

When I last stayed away overnight, I discovered I had forgotten my toothbrush and toothpaste. Fancy that! I hear you cry...

Well, luckily the hotel in which I was staying lad little emergency bags in reception, which were free! Now there's a thing..I can't remember what items were in the bag, except for the dinky little traveller's toothbrush in a small clear glass container..you took out the toothbrush and fitted it on the end of the container and it became the handle..you know the sort of thing...also in the container was a miniature tube of toothpaste...aah....

Now I was so chuffed with my little free gift, that I decided to keep it permanently in my toilet bag, for stays away, just the thing. I was away last night, and was at great pains to pack my toilet bag, contact lens stuff, shampoo, shower gel, flannel, creams, potions, you name it.....I was so proud of myself for remembering everything...

I packed my overnight case with clothes etc, and off I went...only when I got there and unpacked..no toilet bag. Forgot it. Whole bl**dy thing. How do I do it? Where is my brain? Fortunately, I managed..I had various items separate in my bag...face cream, make up...had to put my contact lenses in a glass of water in the bathroom..thankfully I didn't get up in the night and drink them...

I had to use the hotel shower gel and shampoo (no conditioner, my hair was like straw) and I had no flannel to wash with....

Could someone be my packing buddy next time I go away????

That's two posts I have lost now..one being a long, articulate and passionate part two leading on from my last entry, and in response to your kind comments - thank you - but it wouldn't publish or save, and at gone midnight I couldn't be *rsed to write it all again..and this morning's attempt I somehow deleted by mistake..so I will just post this pic of a 4 foot snow rabbit which James saw whilst walking on Hampstead Heath last Friday..a lot of dogs were very perturbed and barking at it madly....

Feel, think, do.....

..It's our mantra when dealing with emotionally charged child protection issues at work..first you feel...but you must take time to move beyond the emotion and think..preferably talk it over with someone else to help you get the right perspective..then, do....decide on a course of action and do it.

I guess we all spend our lives feeling, thinking and doing. I do, in endless circles, trying to make sense of my feelings, which very often tend to overwhelm me, and I lose my sense of self in strong, passionate, often painful feelings. So I am ' heart' person?? I don't know, because I think about stuff constantly..think and think, analyse, what if..should I...I shouldn't..I ought..I wonder..why? How? What next? And such thinking leads to actions being taken because of intellect, the mind, so am I a 'head' person???

In truth the heart and mind are sometimes in tune, sometimes in total opposition, that the constant battle is exhausting..at the moment I am going through a phase of not sleeping - waking up at around 5am and then being unable to get back to sleep, so much going on in my head....

Conclusion..doing ok....balancing heart and mind...probably very slightly depressed, but otherwise doing ok....

Our church is launching their lent home group programme, called 40 Days of Purpose - based on an American book and a programme which has swept America. The launch was at 4pm on Saturday afternoon and I intended not to go. Clive had mentioned it a few times, and when I said, again, I was not going, he was disappointed. Just come and see what you think, he said, it will only be an hour, an introduction and tea. Not long, just come and see.....it's like indoctrination into the Moonies, isn't it..sounds so harmless...

I reluctantly agreed to go with him..what harm..so there I am freezing in church on Saturday afternoon in front of a big screen for the video presentation from California. Our minister explains the process..time of worship..video..tea..more video..we get our packs..will be over by 6.30pm probably...I look at Clive..that is two and half hours... he looks guilty... I sit and watch and listen.. and feel.... and think... and at the end go up the front during the final hymn to get my pack. I sign up to a house group.

As the preacher in the small Californian church (c 3,000, noted: all very white, good looking, expensive clothes..get the picture?) said, 'If you are sat in church listening to this, it is no accident. God wants you to be here. This message is for you.'

Of course, the message is that my purpose in life (book to study: Living the Purposeful Life) is to Worship God, to serve God in Discipleship, to find my Ministry (in church), to live in Fellowship with my fellow Christians and find my Mission (in the World) . Just be a vessel for God. He uses old and new vessels. Big and small. But not dirty ones. Only clean ones.

Do I go, dear reader? Do I go to these lent house groups and be challenged anew? Should I rediscover God's purpose for my life? Is God calling me to go?

By chance, after this challenging afternoon, where the Californian preacher touched my raw nerve by saying it was our duty to bring people to God, otherwise people die and spend eternity without God..so that's what happened to my parents, so comforting..... we were invited to a party..Clvie decided not to go (not big on social gatherings) and H did something else, so it was that DC and I found ourselves going together - I drove so he could drink - and I asked if we could talk first - so we found a pub and I talked all about The Purposeful Life, and my faith, or lack of it, and his faith, and making sense of our lives in the eyes of God...until it was a quarter to ten and we were almost two hours late for the party...

We arrived in sombre mood after such a long heavy but valuable conversation. We found the party to be (as we might have suspected) as lively as a wake after a funeral, with a few serious people sitting round talking, but not much fun. 'Thank goodness you two have arrived to liven things up,' appeared to be the general message. Even being fairly low key, just talking to people, mostly old friends from the theatre group I used to run, and people remembering coming to rehearsal, and meeting me, the director, and saying how in awe they had been of me then!!! Oh yes, my life had a purpose then...

David and I had bought the 'It's in the bag' game, and we got the last final group to sit down and play, and kept the party going until midnight...while playing, David leading one team and me another, the friendly rivalry and teasing and jokes led to several occasions when people were laughing and completely helpless, tears pouring down their cheeks...is this my fellowship? My ministry, to cheer, make people laugh, share my friendship, humour, dare I say...my lvoe? God is lvoe isn't he?

I dropped David at a friend's house where H had ended up, so he could continue socialising (and drinking!) and drove home.

I sat in bed, then lay in bed waiting for sleep. 1am. Feel, think, do. Feeling...slightly sad..but strong. Ok..a survivor.... thinking..what do I do? DO? Sleep. Until 5am. A whole four hours. Then I wake..thinking...

Snow news is good news....

Well, good to look at and play in, not so good for driving in and getting to work, obviously!! I rang N who informed me that all local schools were closed (what??? Because of 6 inches of snow? I went to school in Liverpool when we had to walk and dig ourselves out of 10 foot drifts.... Merlin knows what I mean...)

So we had to cancel our volunteers' training day, I gave N the day off as her son was at home and I know she wanted to go out sledging and making snowmen...MA was snowed in at her parent's home..so I alone struggled out and -watched by the disbelieving neighbours - cleared six inches of snow off my car, and made it slowly along the road, sliding a bit, until I main road and all was ok...

The small roads near my office were snowy and slippy and cars were all over the place, so I parked and walked in..carefully....

I did some work, went to the bank and realised the town was a ghost town, so I took a management decision that as it was still snowing, I was in danger of being snowed in, so I e-mailed some stuff home, and drove carefully home...

At home, heating up high, doggy curled at my feet, i-tunes playing, I sat at the dining room table and worked, watching the snowflakes cover the garden and make it look even more beautiful...

I had bought supplies on the way home...soup, rolls...a donut....a home-made chocolate chip cookie....a bar of chocolate covered marzipan..well, two; one for the journey home, and one for when I got home..I think we can safely say this diet is not going very well..I weigh more now than when I started..I blame the snow...

Snowy garden...

View from my bedroom window this morning..I wanted it to be so deep, and snowing so fiercely that I would be snowed in at home all day. No such luck.....

Last night....can I find the words???

One of those bizarre evenings only made possible by the mad friends I have...I started by leaving work early and taking a food parcel to Laa who is still of with flu and needing supplies. They somehow included a packet of chocolate marshmallows (M&S will reduce them and stack them by the till..) but she didn't fancy one so I tested out a couple with a cup of tea..I just had ten minutes before heading to Stevenage to pick up DC (if he has caught the right train of course!!) to go to a meeting....

My phone rings then and DC announces he is at Stevenage half an hour early, having inadvertently caught an earlier connection when he changed trains, and finding himself pulling into Stevenage when he wasn't expecting it (he was on the phone!) and having to grab all his stuff and fall out on to the platform..I point out that I have just sat down with a cup of tea and he has no right to be early...he decided to get a taxi as he needs a sit down and a bit if quiet to get over the shock of being half an hour early for the first time in his life...

When he arrives at Laura's I open the door, and there is DC, he throws me his coat, pushes past me and runs upstairs shouting, 'Where's the loo?' and vanishes, leaving the taxi outside with the meter running as he was so desperate for a pee...then he comes down and goes out and pays the driver. who is looking amused..he has earned 60p for that pee....Laura makes David a cup of tea, and I tell him about Liz being not too far away, doing training for other budding s*wage *ngineers, and we start to imagine the test questions at the end of the day....I just have to text Liz the results, starting with, 'If Billy at no. 33 does a poo at 9.23am into the outflow into his street, how many other people will have to...' and so it goes on, really stupid...Liz's reply reduces me to giggles as she is amazed I have guessed one of the exam questions exactly, except the name is Bobby, not Billy, and we go on to exchange more bizarre questions, involving..well, you don't want to know, but suffice it to say her replies reduce me to such hysterics that I can't read them out, and I am crying with laughter, which makes David helpless, and Laura is just sitting under her duvet on the sofa watching in sad disbelief....

Eventually it is time for us to drive to our meeting, which is an important public meeting to do with a Christian Festival David and I are working with (another one) and I am wearing my new posh suit and want to look good, and Laura points out that I have laughed/cried all my make-up off, so I have to raid her make up bag to repair the damage....

Well, we set off and I am driving the hour/hour and a half to this meeting, and DC, unusually the passenger, is telling me about his day, and the fact his back is playing up and he has been drinking lots of water which is good for him...the journey passes pleasantly enough until we hit the town we are heading for, and sat nav tries to tell me I can go down streets that are obviously one way the other way, and so I have to make it up, but we are really early, plenty of time no worries, and then DC starts to say he needs a pee...nearly there I say, driving happily on, and he says, look, there's a garage, oops too late, I've missed the turning...then on the other side he spots a pub...no, I can't turn, someone too close behind, sorry, missed that too..I'll stop soon...

Suddenly David starts making strange noises, he undoes his seatbelt and starts scratching at the door handle, saying, 'I need a pee, I'm having a panic attack, I need to go now...' and of course I start laughing cos I think he is messing about, then I realise he isn't and is in the middle of a full scale anxiety attack about his immediate need to pee, but my laughing kind of makes him laugh, which makes it worse..oh no I am on the town's ring road and he is staying, stop, pull in, pull in, but I can't..then up ahead I see a turning and a building with lights, it's a hotel I think, 'Pull in, pull in, ' he is shouting as he is opening the door on the bend...

I pull in and it is a small industrial estate, and a yard, no-where to go, but there are some bushes at the end of the yard and a couple of industrial wheelie bins.. 'Let me out ..NOW..' as I slam on the brakes, he jumps out and vanishes into the bushes behind the wheelie bins, and I turn the car round so I can't see and my headlights aren't aiming his way..a couple of cars come down into the yard, and I hope he doesn't get spotted in the bushes..by the time he returns I have again been reduced to helpless giggles and have cried all my make-up off again...he is in shock from experiencing what maybe his first panic attack..and he wishes I would stop laughing....

Anyway, we make it to the meeting in a big town centre church, over 200 people attend, and we join in and get to sit on the platform at the front, and are introduced as the professionals who will make this festival happen....

After, we decide we are hungry, and so find a little Italian for a pizza (we share and ask if can have a choice of toppings on each half..) I have the veggie option on my half, and David has the meat feast on his half, much to the confusion of the waitress..we stay and talk far too long, and soon it is 11.30pm..time to head back, and I make sure he goes to the little boy's room before we leave....

In a bizarre ending to the evening, I get home just before 1am, hoping I am not in trouble for being late, but sure C will be well asleep..anyway I am wide awake and go to the kitchen to make a coffee...suddenly C appears on the stairs, asking, who is it, and on discovering me, says he thought I was away training and wasn't expecting me back - no, I said, I told you I was at a meeting with DC - oh yes, I forgot, I am sleeping in your bed as I thought you were away..ok..I go up with my coffee and there he is back in bed, so as I undress I ask him how his day has been and look forward to company on a cold night..suddenly he gets up, picks up his watch, glasses and alarm clock and starts to leave..where are you going I ask? Back to my own bed, I can't sleep with you talking, and so he leaves.

I sit up in bed drinking my coffee, and thinking, it's a funny old life..what shall I blog about in the morning?

A wonderful evening....and a surprise!!!

At the weekend, on Saturday night actually, I allowed myself the luxury of curling up on the sofa with a large bar of chocolate and watching a good film..(so what's new I hear you say...) here is a clue to the film in question...



Yes, I've seen the film a dozen times, but it was still a good way to spend a Saturday night in, it still made me laugh, not least because of the character Spike, and the performance by Rhys Ifans, who is the star of the movie, really.

Anyway, moving on to last night, I went to the theatre with Jill: we went to the Donmar Warehouse in Covent Garden, one of our favourite theatres, it is so small and intimate, and from our seat in the second row we could almost touch the stage and the actors..the play was Don Juan in Soho..riveting from the opening second, and with the arrival of Don Juan, the main character, we were hooked. He was a real lothario, tall, thin as a rake, good looking, a powerful deep, theatrical voice which filled the theatre, and he stole the show for the whole time he was on stage, which was every second.

He was magnetic, and reminded me of someone...like a young Peter O'Toole I thought, and a similarity to someone else, I couldn't put my finger on it..how annoyed was I not to have a programme, I hate not knowing...

Afterwards, I found a cast list and searched for the leading man's name...oh yes..how f**ing obvious..it was..wait for it..Rhys Ifans. Looking like this:



..the same, but not the same...and oh, what a performance..as Don Juan, he strutted about the stage with the self assurance of one who knows he is 'absolutely f*ckable'...having ladies left, right and centre, as he desires, the ultimate cad, but I bet there was not one lady there last night who wouldn't have said yes if he had come on to them, such was his appeal....

The scene in the hospital where he sits with a girl under a blanket giving him a bl*w job, whilst he is coming on to the girl sitting next to him was exquisite comedy....and the part where he lambasts society, the cult of celebrity, the ipod and even the blog...wonderful, just wonderful...

What a cad. What a user. But you couldn't help but love him. And to find out that no more than 6 feet away from me all night, so absolutely in character I didn't recognise him...Rhys Ifans. F*cking brilliant.

mmm...chocolate....

I came in from work last night..thinking, as I usually do, as I put my key in the door..mmm..is there anything yummy to eat..especially..is there any chocolate? And the answer, sadly, was no..mainly because I had eaten the large bar of Cadbury's Whole Nut I bought on Saturday...what was I going to nibble on???

I picked up the post, including the small jiffy bag, a sign, usually, that Clive has ordered a CD from somewhere, or a strange technical widget that will make him very happy...but no, the jiffy is addressed to me! Oh joy!!

I open it to find a card and a large square of chocolate...and they are from the lvoely Caroline, who, it has to be said, is going through a bad time at the moment (understatement??) and to think she has thought of me and gone and bought and posted chocolate - to me! - makes me feel very humble and cared for indeed.

I thought I should take a piccie of it to share with you all, so I whipped out my phone and arranged the chocolate tastefully for a photoshoot on my bed:

But somehow, in between taking it out of the packet, and taking its picture, a large chunk appears to have gone missing, can't think why..or where...but if you can still make out the message printed into the yummy belgian chocolate, I have to confirm...it does.

Almost home...

At five thirty this morning I am awoken by the buzzing of a text arriving in my phone...

'In a black London cab..on the home to my bed! Flight was fine, my back's ok, didn't sleep much, just read and watched films. Food was crap tho. Shame. Speak tomorow. Jx.'

Well, that's ok then. he is back safe and all is well with the world.

Sally's crazy kitchen.....

Having invited J,P and daughter M to lunch, I went shopping yesterday, and last night decided to get ahead by making the two deserts planned..got all the ingredients out and discovered that the eggs in the fridge were a month out of date, and although I might have risked them had it just been us, I didn't want to poison my friends, so I binned them, with Clive's usual criticism ringing in my ears....why do you buy food we don't eat, I am always throwing stuff away....the answer is I don't know, I don't shop with a list, I don't plan menus, and it is obviously wasteful, and frustrating in that we don't eat perfectly good eggs, but when I need eggs to cook, they are out of date. Doh.

I know I could go out and buy eggs, but I can't be *rsed, and vow to get up early and buy eggs and get cooking..well I do get up, probably 'early' would be pushing it, but I come back with eggs, and as time is getting short I start by preparing lunch, peeling vegetables, preparing the chicken etc, before starting on the one pudding I have time for..the lemon surprise pudding...just as I start, David phones me before he goes in to church (oh yes, I used to go to church once...) to say he has two cheques to drop off on his way back, but one needs explaining...ok..see you later..

I carry on and am about to mix all the pudding ingredients when my cousin rings for a chat and a catch up so I can't put the mixer on, but I do the grating lemon rind, and squeezing out juice, and separating the eggs, and wonder about the amount of time this desert is taking, and the mess I appear to be making of what was a clean kitchen....while I am on the mobile, the land line rings, so I ring off one and answer the other ..it is James phoning from Hong Kong, to tell me he put his back out this morning getting dressed (as you do) and had to phone his medical insurers and take a taxi to hospital in agony and has had painkilling injections in his back, and he is flying home tonight but has to take relaxing tablets and painkillers..I am wondering if my kids will ever ring me to tell me life is great, and not only when something goes wrong...

I am on the phone a while, and when I have finished, I ring my cousin back and tell him what's happened..then at a quarter to twelve I realise my guests are coming in 45 mins and I am far from ready, so I check the chicken, put the potatoes on to boil and finish the lemon sponge, mixing, stirring, folding, and Clvie comes in from church and remarks I seem a little behind..the table is not laid..well, yes...

Anyway, the last thing to do is whizz the egg whites into a thick meringue and stir into the lemon sponge mixture, which is looking a tad too liquid for my liking....I look round for the egg whites but can't find them..after a search and 'they have to be here, they were just here in a dish..' I find the jug with the lemon juice in, and think..the juice should be in there by now....and (just for Liz...) then it dawned on me..in my haste I had poured in the egg whites with the milk instead of the lemon juice....oh, what a waste of the last hour of my life, I have this lemoney liquidy mixture..oh b*gger....Clive is not sympathetic rally, and quite rightly cannot understand why cooking a simple lunch is causing so much mess and stress..I baste the chicken 'That doesn't look very cooked' says Clive helpfully..and put in the roast potatoes..I ask Clive to make coffee as lunch might be a while, and I go upstairs and make myself look presentable (only takes ten seconds cos I am almost perfect anyway) and come down and lay the table in the dining room to have a break from the kitchen...

At that moment David arrives and helps with the table cloths while he is giving me cheques to pay in tomorrow, while explaining at the same time that one is in part payment of the October invoice, and they have paid December, but not November, but they overpaid on,e and should we bank this or send it back, and I explain I am in the middle of a sponge pudding crisis, and was I supposed to be listening to all this, or even care? He laughs and looks at the sponge pudding mix and suggest I whisk some air into it and see what happens. He asks me where the cheque book is and the paying book, and notices I don't look him in the eye when I say of course I know where they are, and would he bugger off..and he says, who is worried about being in business with who?

As he leaves, I put on the vegetables, juggling saucepans as only three rings out of 4 work, and I try and find room for chicken, potatoes, parsnips, cauliflowers cheese and a lemon surprise pudding (surprise! it's crap!) and Yorkshire puddings in a small oven all requiring different temperatures.

As J,P and M arrive they see my stress and I tell them to leave me alone and go and drink coffee and leave me alone. I assemble a belated raspberry brulee, while J finds a vase for the flowers she has bought me, and she rolls her sleeves up and washes up the piles in the sink....what a true friend..the conversation takes an interesting turn, and what she says proves what an amazing non-judgmental friend she is....

I even manage to make gravy, and serve up what turns out to be the most wonderful roast chicken dinner ever, tasty, loads to eat...M, their daughter and I always get on like a house on fire, and she lvoes my cooking, and what's more we have such a laugh over lunch....

Finally, the piece de resistance, the lemon surprise pudding - surprise! it's edible - we all have some with lashings of double cream, and it's moist and lemony and gorgeous..and then they all have raspberry brulee as well!!!

At the end of the afternoon when we have all sat round and had more coffee, and the most ridiculous conversations which mostly takes the mick out of us all in turn....they take their leave and thank me for lunch and for making them laugh all day..you know, I'm sure that's what they said last time they came to lunch..what's so funny I'd like to know??

The maddest thing of all is that I have taken another hour out of my life writing about all this chaos...well, I hope you all appreciate it. if not..I won't bother again.....

Homeward bound...

'Hi, got to Hong Kong fine by ferry...the most amazing place. Never seen anything like it. Out for a curry and beers last night. And shopping today. With a couple of guys from work. Nice hotel too. Stunning place. U have to see it to believe it! Flying out tomorrow night. Jx.

I hope he enjoys his weekend off. After the two weeks working and travelling he has done he deserves it!!!

I was supposed to be going shopping with Laa after work last night, but she texted me to say she was off with flu-like symptoms, and so I went round and made us both a cup of tea and kept her company..she had got as far as the sofa and was snuffling under a duvet..she was watching a really cheesy American film called, 'Remember I will always lvoe you..' about a child who was stolen as a baby finding his parents again as a teenager..have seen it before but didn't stop me watching it again!

As Mec was going out for the night, Laa decided she would like company, so I was persuaded to stay for a Chinese takeaway, and we watched Lost in Translation - one of Laa's favourite films, but I've not seen it before. I really liked it, and the quality of so much unknown or unexpected in it..especially the ending....

This morning her two bridesmaids came round here with Laa and tried on the dresses. They look really good! Now they have all gone shopping to find matching shoes..so amazing to see all three, friends since they were 5 at infants school, all grown up and helping to plan Laa's wedding....

Now I am the only one with out an outfit...sob....

Crazy world....

..or maybe it's not the world, it's in my head....I think I'm winning, but keeping emotions under control is still an issue..with some people!!! I seem to have such a lot of anger, that, like a volcano, suddenly finds a place to shoot to the surface and threatens to take over, and I lose control...then after the anger comes the upset and the tears...but 90% of the time I am like a normal person, so that's an improvement...

Crazy world at work, so much to do, still no Broadband....even the calm, unflappable IT guy we are now paying is losing his cool at the call centre in India: every time we ring, they won't progress the problem from the last call, they start again, and say, we need to do a line test, it will take 24 hours...so far about 4 line tests and no solution. Eventually he spoke to someone, a lvoely lady called Janet somewhere in the UK who admitted they were having major technical problems, with everything, and they weren't coping..now we have asked them for a code which enables us to change our broadband supplier, and have told them, don't bother fixing our line, ok? And for anyone interested, zen broadband is looking like the preferred option.....

Hot news from China....

'Hi, just waiting for my flight back south. Pretty cetral here and they can't get many Westerners. On my own and getting stared at everywhere. Doesn't help that I've practically got a beard.

Nearly brought a supermarket to a standstill last night. Making me quite paranoid. Tomorrow should be fairly straight forward tho, a return visit. The on to Hong Kong on the ferry. Hurrah!! Book going well. Love J.'

Dear J, you do brighten my day! And what book are you reading?' Mx

'I do hope you're not being sarcastic!! The Michael Palin book of course. Want Graham Chapman's book now! J.'

I bought him M Palin's autobiography for Christmas. J is a great fan of Monty Python. Glad it has seen him round China!!! I wonder if his being 6' 4" has anything to do with him being stared at.....

Managed to listen to Chasing Cars at full volume four times whilst writing this!! Lvoe it!