Sunday, February 11, 2007

Feel, think, do.....

..It's our mantra when dealing with emotionally charged child protection issues at work..first you feel...but you must take time to move beyond the emotion and think..preferably talk it over with someone else to help you get the right perspective..then, do....decide on a course of action and do it.

I guess we all spend our lives feeling, thinking and doing. I do, in endless circles, trying to make sense of my feelings, which very often tend to overwhelm me, and I lose my sense of self in strong, passionate, often painful feelings. So I am ' heart' person?? I don't know, because I think about stuff constantly..think and think, analyse, what if..should I...I shouldn't..I ought..I wonder..why? How? What next? And such thinking leads to actions being taken because of intellect, the mind, so am I a 'head' person???

In truth the heart and mind are sometimes in tune, sometimes in total opposition, that the constant battle is exhausting..at the moment I am going through a phase of not sleeping - waking up at around 5am and then being unable to get back to sleep, so much going on in my head....

Conclusion..doing ok....balancing heart and mind...probably very slightly depressed, but otherwise doing ok....

Our church is launching their lent home group programme, called 40 Days of Purpose - based on an American book and a programme which has swept America. The launch was at 4pm on Saturday afternoon and I intended not to go. Clive had mentioned it a few times, and when I said, again, I was not going, he was disappointed. Just come and see what you think, he said, it will only be an hour, an introduction and tea. Not long, just come and see.....it's like indoctrination into the Moonies, isn't it..sounds so harmless...

I reluctantly agreed to go with him..what harm..so there I am freezing in church on Saturday afternoon in front of a big screen for the video presentation from California. Our minister explains the process..time of worship..video..tea..more video..we get our packs..will be over by 6.30pm probably...I look at Clive..that is two and half hours... he looks guilty... I sit and watch and listen.. and feel.... and think... and at the end go up the front during the final hymn to get my pack. I sign up to a house group.

As the preacher in the small Californian church (c 3,000, noted: all very white, good looking, expensive clothes..get the picture?) said, 'If you are sat in church listening to this, it is no accident. God wants you to be here. This message is for you.'

Of course, the message is that my purpose in life (book to study: Living the Purposeful Life) is to Worship God, to serve God in Discipleship, to find my Ministry (in church), to live in Fellowship with my fellow Christians and find my Mission (in the World) . Just be a vessel for God. He uses old and new vessels. Big and small. But not dirty ones. Only clean ones.

Do I go, dear reader? Do I go to these lent house groups and be challenged anew? Should I rediscover God's purpose for my life? Is God calling me to go?

By chance, after this challenging afternoon, where the Californian preacher touched my raw nerve by saying it was our duty to bring people to God, otherwise people die and spend eternity without God..so that's what happened to my parents, so comforting..... we were invited to a party..Clvie decided not to go (not big on social gatherings) and H did something else, so it was that DC and I found ourselves going together - I drove so he could drink - and I asked if we could talk first - so we found a pub and I talked all about The Purposeful Life, and my faith, or lack of it, and his faith, and making sense of our lives in the eyes of God...until it was a quarter to ten and we were almost two hours late for the party...

We arrived in sombre mood after such a long heavy but valuable conversation. We found the party to be (as we might have suspected) as lively as a wake after a funeral, with a few serious people sitting round talking, but not much fun. 'Thank goodness you two have arrived to liven things up,' appeared to be the general message. Even being fairly low key, just talking to people, mostly old friends from the theatre group I used to run, and people remembering coming to rehearsal, and meeting me, the director, and saying how in awe they had been of me then!!! Oh yes, my life had a purpose then...

David and I had bought the 'It's in the bag' game, and we got the last final group to sit down and play, and kept the party going until midnight...while playing, David leading one team and me another, the friendly rivalry and teasing and jokes led to several occasions when people were laughing and completely helpless, tears pouring down their cheeks...is this my fellowship? My ministry, to cheer, make people laugh, share my friendship, humour, dare I say...my lvoe? God is lvoe isn't he?

I dropped David at a friend's house where H had ended up, so he could continue socialising (and drinking!) and drove home.

I sat in bed, then lay in bed waiting for sleep. 1am. Feel, think, do. Feeling...slightly sad..but strong. Ok..a survivor.... thinking..what do I do? DO? Sleep. Until 5am. A whole four hours. Then I wake..thinking...

5 comments:

Merlin said...

Church group programmes are something I struggle with, mainly because not wanting to be involved in them results in people looking down their nose at you. For December our church wanted to have these little figures going from house to house, each night different households looked after them, adn you took them to the next house on the list the next day and sat and prayed with the family (I think it might be a (Mexican?) tradition). We didn't want to be involved but the pressure put on us actually meant that we then avoided the church instead of being involved. And God only uses clean vessels, not dirty ones! Well most of us are stuffed then aren't we.

Caroline said...

hmmm, housegroups.
no.
oh the propensity for guilt.
frequency of attendance
frequency of verbal contribution
quality of biscuits..whose turn was it to bring the biscuits this week?
who misread the third sentence on p37?
thinking x is a pillock
feeling like they think you're the pillock
being confronted on a weekly basis by people who think you're inadequate.

oh my, sorry, i'm merely generalisuing on my experiences. of course yours will be wonderful and fullfilling....

and incidentlayy my theology allows for filthy dirty vessels and an underlying presumption that noone is sent to an eternity without god

call me woolly, but such threats and bribes strike me as being as godless as the future they threaten

Kathryn said...

Don't do it sweetie...don't even THINK about doing it.
God is only ever able to use grtubby messed up vessels,cos that's what is available, that's what we are.
And yes, you are spot on that your gifts of friendship and laughter are exactly what you do use to "minister" if we want to talk creepy church language...It's where people (me for one) see God in you. And it's lovely and special and doesn't need to be hauled through purpose driven hoops and twisted into guilty contortions.
And you know what I think about the take on God suggested by that preacher...If God is love, which I'm as confident of as I am that I love my children, then he is not in the business of condemning people to eternal separation from him just because they didn't pray the sinner's prayer back in the day....
All shall be well, truly xxx

1 i z said...

I guess it's the fact that God only uses clean vessels that led to the decision to keep well separate from human beings in all their messiness and certain not take on human form in a filthy stable amongst animal shite...

Not to mention then driving out those who sought to put obstacles of 'cleanliness' between the people and their God.

Sweetie, do conscience between you and your loving God, but don't do guilt trips from scarey Californian smiling plastic people. And if you want to think very evil thoughts, consider how many people their brand of sanctimonious shite is driving away, rather contrary to their stated 'purpose'. Ironic huh?

And yes, when you make me cry with laughter I feel a little closer to God.

Stuart said...

Sally,
I have done a version of these house froups before and found them quite helpful. However, it was our version and had my own slant on it, I guess with many of these things much depends on who is leading it and their own particular angle. Just remember though God is love and does love you and well loves you for who you are not who others would like you to be. Go if you want see how you feel, kick it in to touch if they give you crap but remember your own value and how much God loves you!