Feel, think, do.....

..It's our mantra when dealing with emotionally charged child protection issues at work..first you feel...but you must take time to move beyond the emotion and think..preferably talk it over with someone else to help you get the right perspective..then, do....decide on a course of action and do it.

I guess we all spend our lives feeling, thinking and doing. I do, in endless circles, trying to make sense of my feelings, which very often tend to overwhelm me, and I lose my sense of self in strong, passionate, often painful feelings. So I am ' heart' person?? I don't know, because I think about stuff constantly..think and think, analyse, what if..should I...I shouldn't..I ought..I wonder..why? How? What next? And such thinking leads to actions being taken because of intellect, the mind, so am I a 'head' person???

In truth the heart and mind are sometimes in tune, sometimes in total opposition, that the constant battle is exhausting..at the moment I am going through a phase of not sleeping - waking up at around 5am and then being unable to get back to sleep, so much going on in my head....

Conclusion..doing ok....balancing heart and mind...probably very slightly depressed, but otherwise doing ok....

Our church is launching their lent home group programme, called 40 Days of Purpose - based on an American book and a programme which has swept America. The launch was at 4pm on Saturday afternoon and I intended not to go. Clive had mentioned it a few times, and when I said, again, I was not going, he was disappointed. Just come and see what you think, he said, it will only be an hour, an introduction and tea. Not long, just come and see.....it's like indoctrination into the Moonies, isn't it..sounds so harmless...

I reluctantly agreed to go with him..what harm..so there I am freezing in church on Saturday afternoon in front of a big screen for the video presentation from California. Our minister explains the process..time of worship..video..tea..more video..we get our packs..will be over by 6.30pm probably...I look at Clive..that is two and half hours... he looks guilty... I sit and watch and listen.. and feel.... and think... and at the end go up the front during the final hymn to get my pack. I sign up to a house group.

As the preacher in the small Californian church (c 3,000, noted: all very white, good looking, expensive clothes..get the picture?) said, 'If you are sat in church listening to this, it is no accident. God wants you to be here. This message is for you.'

Of course, the message is that my purpose in life (book to study: Living the Purposeful Life) is to Worship God, to serve God in Discipleship, to find my Ministry (in church), to live in Fellowship with my fellow Christians and find my Mission (in the World) . Just be a vessel for God. He uses old and new vessels. Big and small. But not dirty ones. Only clean ones.

Do I go, dear reader? Do I go to these lent house groups and be challenged anew? Should I rediscover God's purpose for my life? Is God calling me to go?

By chance, after this challenging afternoon, where the Californian preacher touched my raw nerve by saying it was our duty to bring people to God, otherwise people die and spend eternity without God..so that's what happened to my parents, so comforting..... we were invited to a party..Clvie decided not to go (not big on social gatherings) and H did something else, so it was that DC and I found ourselves going together - I drove so he could drink - and I asked if we could talk first - so we found a pub and I talked all about The Purposeful Life, and my faith, or lack of it, and his faith, and making sense of our lives in the eyes of God...until it was a quarter to ten and we were almost two hours late for the party...

We arrived in sombre mood after such a long heavy but valuable conversation. We found the party to be (as we might have suspected) as lively as a wake after a funeral, with a few serious people sitting round talking, but not much fun. 'Thank goodness you two have arrived to liven things up,' appeared to be the general message. Even being fairly low key, just talking to people, mostly old friends from the theatre group I used to run, and people remembering coming to rehearsal, and meeting me, the director, and saying how in awe they had been of me then!!! Oh yes, my life had a purpose then...

David and I had bought the 'It's in the bag' game, and we got the last final group to sit down and play, and kept the party going until midnight...while playing, David leading one team and me another, the friendly rivalry and teasing and jokes led to several occasions when people were laughing and completely helpless, tears pouring down their cheeks...is this my fellowship? My ministry, to cheer, make people laugh, share my friendship, humour, dare I say...my lvoe? God is lvoe isn't he?

I dropped David at a friend's house where H had ended up, so he could continue socialising (and drinking!) and drove home.

I sat in bed, then lay in bed waiting for sleep. 1am. Feel, think, do. Feeling...slightly sad..but strong. Ok..a survivor.... thinking..what do I do? DO? Sleep. Until 5am. A whole four hours. Then I wake..thinking...