Thinking...

Doing a bit of Blog hopping this morning, and delaying getting up as usual..I looked at Jude's blog, then at a comment made by Cal, which led me to look at Cal's blog, which I hadn't done before. I found the content interesting and challenging..I read the prayer for Lent a couple of times and just sat and looked at it for a while...and I read Cal's musing as to whether her blog is for herself or written for others.

It's something I often think about. When we write we know that others are going to read it, and I enjoy the thought that others might enjoy my blog- especially when I have funny stories to tell! I am a born entertainer!

But...very often I think, I won't write this or that, no-one will want to read that, or how sad will this make me sound..or how depressing...and yet if it feels right and honest, then I do write it, because I think..this blog is me, I am not editing out simply on the grounds of 'What will people think?' I edit on what I decide is not appropriate to share, or what I do not want to share, as we all do.

But..I wish my blog was different. I wish I had more to say about Life rather than my life. I wish I had more to say about my faith. I used to write about it, speak about it...I used to lead church services, have been known to speak in church (I hesitate to use the word preach, don't like it.) I wish my blog didn't reveal someone of my age still stumbling around being self obsessed..I was more together and more mature when I was a teenager. I was baptised at 14, the full total immersion, a real witness to my friends and family. I was so sure. So sure my life was in God's hands.

I wrote and directed Christian musicals. People from almost every church in the area were involved. I was invited to be on the Exec of our local Council of Churches. I formed my ecumenical Christian theatre company, and made an impact on the church life in my city that can't be underestimated.

I trained as a dramatherapist and began therapy work with groups and individuals which changed my life. I now run a charity and am working with people, helping people, laughing and crying with people as I share their journey on a daily basis.

I am a lvoely person. I know cos people who care like me. And they tell me. I am fun, creative, outgoing, sociable, capable....

I am also vulnerable, emotional (and with my blog title, nearly time for a little something, I can identify with Cal, I always look at the puddings on a menu first....)...mixed up, cry a lot and am back on anti-depressants. Why oh why? And like I said, I don't like my blog. As my blog is me, it must follow that I don't like me very much.

I feel guilty that I may have lead Stu to read the Purpose Driven Life when I didn't go to the group last week as I was too depressed and couldn't face it, and I haven't even opened the book.

I need to read Cal's prayer again.

Oh, and I need to pack.....