Sally's crazy kitchen.....

Having invited J,P and daughter M to lunch, I went shopping yesterday, and last night decided to get ahead by making the two deserts planned..got all the ingredients out and discovered that the eggs in the fridge were a month out of date, and although I might have risked them had it just been us, I didn't want to poison my friends, so I binned them, with Clive's usual criticism ringing in my ears....why do you buy food we don't eat, I am always throwing stuff away....the answer is I don't know, I don't shop with a list, I don't plan menus, and it is obviously wasteful, and frustrating in that we don't eat perfectly good eggs, but when I need eggs to cook, they are out of date. Doh.

I know I could go out and buy eggs, but I can't be *rsed, and vow to get up early and buy eggs and get cooking..well I do get up, probably 'early' would be pushing it, but I come back with eggs, and as time is getting short I start by preparing lunch, peeling vegetables, preparing the chicken etc, before starting on the one pudding I have time for..the lemon surprise pudding...just as I start, David phones me before he goes in to church (oh yes, I used to go to church once...) to say he has two cheques to drop off on his way back, but one needs explaining...ok..see you later..

I carry on and am about to mix all the pudding ingredients when my cousin rings for a chat and a catch up so I can't put the mixer on, but I do the grating lemon rind, and squeezing out juice, and separating the eggs, and wonder about the amount of time this desert is taking, and the mess I appear to be making of what was a clean kitchen....while I am on the mobile, the land line rings, so I ring off one and answer the other ..it is James phoning from Hong Kong, to tell me he put his back out this morning getting dressed (as you do) and had to phone his medical insurers and take a taxi to hospital in agony and has had painkilling injections in his back, and he is flying home tonight but has to take relaxing tablets and painkillers..I am wondering if my kids will ever ring me to tell me life is great, and not only when something goes wrong...

I am on the phone a while, and when I have finished, I ring my cousin back and tell him what's happened..then at a quarter to twelve I realise my guests are coming in 45 mins and I am far from ready, so I check the chicken, put the potatoes on to boil and finish the lemon sponge, mixing, stirring, folding, and Clvie comes in from church and remarks I seem a little behind..the table is not laid..well, yes...

Anyway, the last thing to do is whizz the egg whites into a thick meringue and stir into the lemon sponge mixture, which is looking a tad too liquid for my liking....I look round for the egg whites but can't find them..after a search and 'they have to be here, they were just here in a dish..' I find the jug with the lemon juice in, and think..the juice should be in there by now....and (just for Liz...) then it dawned on me..in my haste I had poured in the egg whites with the milk instead of the lemon juice....oh, what a waste of the last hour of my life, I have this lemoney liquidy mixture..oh b*gger....Clive is not sympathetic rally, and quite rightly cannot understand why cooking a simple lunch is causing so much mess and stress..I baste the chicken 'That doesn't look very cooked' says Clive helpfully..and put in the roast potatoes..I ask Clive to make coffee as lunch might be a while, and I go upstairs and make myself look presentable (only takes ten seconds cos I am almost perfect anyway) and come down and lay the table in the dining room to have a break from the kitchen...

At that moment David arrives and helps with the table cloths while he is giving me cheques to pay in tomorrow, while explaining at the same time that one is in part payment of the October invoice, and they have paid December, but not November, but they overpaid on,e and should we bank this or send it back, and I explain I am in the middle of a sponge pudding crisis, and was I supposed to be listening to all this, or even care? He laughs and looks at the sponge pudding mix and suggest I whisk some air into it and see what happens. He asks me where the cheque book is and the paying book, and notices I don't look him in the eye when I say of course I know where they are, and would he bugger off..and he says, who is worried about being in business with who?

As he leaves, I put on the vegetables, juggling saucepans as only three rings out of 4 work, and I try and find room for chicken, potatoes, parsnips, cauliflowers cheese and a lemon surprise pudding (surprise! it's crap!) and Yorkshire puddings in a small oven all requiring different temperatures.

As J,P and M arrive they see my stress and I tell them to leave me alone and go and drink coffee and leave me alone. I assemble a belated raspberry brulee, while J finds a vase for the flowers she has bought me, and she rolls her sleeves up and washes up the piles in the sink....what a true friend..the conversation takes an interesting turn, and what she says proves what an amazing non-judgmental friend she is....

I even manage to make gravy, and serve up what turns out to be the most wonderful roast chicken dinner ever, tasty, loads to eat...M, their daughter and I always get on like a house on fire, and she lvoes my cooking, and what's more we have such a laugh over lunch....

Finally, the piece de resistance, the lemon surprise pudding - surprise! it's edible - we all have some with lashings of double cream, and it's moist and lemony and gorgeous..and then they all have raspberry brulee as well!!!

At the end of the afternoon when we have all sat round and had more coffee, and the most ridiculous conversations which mostly takes the mick out of us all in turn....they take their leave and thank me for lunch and for making them laugh all day..you know, I'm sure that's what they said last time they came to lunch..what's so funny I'd like to know??

The maddest thing of all is that I have taken another hour out of my life writing about all this chaos...well, I hope you all appreciate it. if not..I won't bother again.....