Better today...

Feel better this morning..except too fat..I bought a welsh lamb shepherd's pie from M*S and cooked carrots and peas to go with it and ate it all up..which is good except the shep pie was for two.....didn't mean it....well it wasn't that big....I didn't have anything else....trouble is I have to weigh myself tomorrow morning, as agreed with diet buddy..I fear it will not be good news..what with dinner and the bar of Cadbury's dairy milk earlier....it was medicinal, honestly...

Watched Mystic Pizza - a cosy little film with a young Julie Roberts...after coming to bed I chatted to a couple of people via msn and e-mail, and meant to have an early night but kept chatting til nearly two in the morning..far too late, but a lot of things were said and the air duly cleared...for the moment....

Two friends of mine went to gigs last night. Only one rang and let me hear a bit. Now LIz, you are a real friend..thank you..I'll be honest, I had never heard of them, but they sounded good...

Think I will change handbags this morning. Have emptied current handbag contents on to bed. Goodness, who would have thought there was so much in it???

Let me know if this blog ever gets too shallow....

The good news or the bad news??

Bad news first..week not going so well..struggling a bit... tears and angst ridden phone calls..just as I was doing so well..oh well, I'm hanging in there...

Orange broadband still not working, despite J my pet computer engineer doing his best..he got Orange to admit to a huge technical problem..something about their platform not working???? and they are supposed to be ringing me by 9pm Weds with 'progress.' That will be a week with broadband then. John has kindly gone our bought a modem and fixed me up with dial-up for the time being - of course it is costing more money, but at least we can do e-mails..I had forgotten all that strange boing-de-boing dialling noise that dial up makes!!!

No secretary still, N and I are getting used to being a two person organisation! But after she left today I had a weird blokey in....hope he doesn't come back, wasn't happy in the office on my own with him.....

Had two texts from the Happy Wanderer today in China..he flew from Shanghai on Sunday night to another town ready for factory visits on Monday. The latest reports are: (and he is 8 hours ahead)

'Afternoon! Nearly 1am here and still on the road. Nearly 9 hours since I left the last factory at 3pm (Tues.) 3 taxies, 1 ferry and a long delay at the airport and a 3 hour flight. Still, am loving my book! And making good progress..nearly half way! Unfortunately got 8 hours in the car tomorrow up north even further. Could cry I swear. Before flying back to where I've just come from on Thursday. Still, the end's in sight. And today I had a McDonald's. Jxx'

And a little while later, this:

'Must have looked tired. The hotel upgraded me to an executive club suite on the 32nd floor, with a lounge. Luckily am too knackered to worry about vertigo. x. '

He's not joking about the vertigo. Anyone remember when a group of us met James at the London Eye and he sat on the grass and looked after our bags!!!

C is out for two nights running..last night ate loevly M&S food and watched Dirty Dancing on dvd, with the dog. Tonight, I think I will curl up on the sofa with some more lovely M&S food, and..well, maybe watch a dvd???? Just for a change?

Oh, the good news...um..let me think..oh, yes, am going to stay with the lvoely Liz up north in a couple of weeks....can't wait!!!

So far so good....

...I am managing to avoid the usual pattern of two weeks up, two weeks down..I am getting into the third week of being ok: normal, stable, even happy some days: other days have been a bit 'ish' but I have avoided the horrible downward slide into depression...long may it last..three weeks of emotional stability would be good....

This doesn't mean I haven't got stressed over the work internet stuff: or the usual upset over being let down, messed around, taken for granted, how ever you like to look at it: I have got very angry and upset and said, enough, I will not put up with this any longer, and I mean it..but how to go forward when the person in question seems incapable of change....

However, I have maintained my sanity and emotional equilibrium, and had a good week over all. Here are the highlights I didn't get round to sharing:

Finished: State of the Union by Douglas Kennedy..enjoyed it...

Listened to: The Beatles Red album in my car..they just don't make music like that any more....

Saw: The Pursuit of Happyness at the cinema, starring Will Smith. Go and see it..a true story which will pull on your heart strings...

Also saw: Walk the Line, on dvd, life story of Johnny Cash...enjoyed it...

Went to: Mozart Birthday concert, today, at London's new venue, the Cadogan Hall, an old church, a beautiful venue, highly recommended, and the Mozart quartets were wonderful..I have already booked for another concert in February...

Also listened to: Andy Thornton's The Healing Darkness album on my pc...just lvoe his songs, I think I may have mentioned before..and as I am typing this, I am listening to Steve Lawson's Bitter Sweet..very relaxing....I lvoe this whole shuffle playlist, you never know what you're gonna git....

I think I have also mentioned discovering a love (wow, spelled it right!) for Snow Patrol..what an eclectic week it's been....

And the boy rang from Shanghai, about to fly to his next city for his next round of factory visits..he hasn't needed to buy any clothes because the hotels have done a stunning job on his laundry...and apparently he would kill for a pizza...

Need to tell you something....

about my friend Jacky..she is into music...classical music. Plays it on the piano..listens to it on the radio, goes to lots of live concerts....I have been to quite a few with her, and in fact, I am going up to London tomorrow to hear some Mozart...

I suspect that 99% of the music I like, she doesn't like. But every now and then, she surprises me..there was a time I went round, years ago, when she suddenly put Billy Joel's Innocent Man on..she ahd heard it on the radio and fallen in lvoe with it. This probably happens once in a blue moon.

Last Sunday, after our dog walk, we were sitting having a cup of tea in her lounge, when she suddenly said, 'I have to play you this..sorry but it has to be loud..' I wondered what I was going to get..a little Beethoven at full volume????

Then, the room is filled with Snow Patrol, Chasing Cars..and Jacky is sitting with her eyes closed, absolutely consumed by the music..we listen in total silence..at the end, when she opens her eyes, I say, Snow Patrol? You are playing me Snow Patrol? How have you ever even heard of them???? You have never heard of anyone....

She then explains that ehr daughter, J is living at home at the moment, and has been playing it, and Jacky has fallen in lvoe with this..and then she plays it again, equally loudly. I wonder what the neighbours three streets away think.

To be honest, I know Snow Patrol but have never got into them, just haven't really heard much of their stuff. But this song is in my head now, as I leave jacky's, and as I out Sophie in the car, and as I put on the radio, I am thinking, I would like to hear more. And the radio (radio 2, Stuart Mac) is playing...yes, Snow Patrol, Eyes Open, and I can't beleive it..how spooky is that....

And that is the reason, dear reader, that I am sitting in bed this Saturday morning, having opened an account in the I Tunes store, and my first purchase and download??? What, I can't hear you...speak up...I am playing Chasing Cars over and over at full volume on my laptop and can't hear you....

The first person to take me to a live Snow Patrol gig will be my friend for life....

uuurrrrgh..yuck.....

'Chicken's feet for breakfast anyone?'

I found this on my phone at four o'clock this morning. I texted back, 'Oh, yuck.'

The immediate reply was, 'Tell me about it. And don't get me started on the smell. Am flying to Shanghai tonight for the weekend. Will try and call at some point.'

I am off to a training day in L*tchw* rth on D*mestic V*olence. I hope the lunch is a little more appetising than this..wouldn't be hard...

You won't believe this but.....

..my lvoely computer guy turned up at 9am and set about trying to solved my internet problem. He did lots of diagnostic stuff, and was soon on the phone to Wanadoo, Orange, my so-called service provider..hanging on for ages before getting through to India, where I heard him being very patient and efficient, trying to guide the guy in what needed doing, but he could not deviate call centre guy from his script..so it took him for ever to do a diagnostic test on the BT line....

I was busy greeting new volunteers for their training day, and old volunteers for supervision, so the office was filling up around John..when the conversation took an interesting turn. 'Sally, have you asked for a broadband upgrade?' 'No.' 'Well, I am being told you are having one, that's why your service is down, and it is due to be re-activated tomorrow. It just means they had to disconnect you for a couple of days. Would you like to speak to them?'

The answer was no, I was so angry I would have been unspeakably rude, so I left it to John to ask why they hadn't informed me, why I had spent two hours on the phone yesterday on to two different call centres, being told the problem was my router...how inefficient..how crap is Orange, to close my service down with out telling me, how crap is their call centre for not telling me that, when eventually John (at £40 an hour which I am paying...) eventually gets the truth out of them....

Suffice it to say I spent some of this evening on to their customer service line..and I use the term customer service loosely, orange don't know the meaning of customer service..and got through to a young lady in Middlesborough who gave as good as she got at my angry complaining..'sorry for the inconvenience, but you should be pleased, we are upgrading your service' (oh how she was missing the point,) when I asked who was going to compensate me for my time on the phone, the cost of the call and the £40 I had to pay the computer guy when Orange should have just f**ing told me in the first place, she said, 'Oh you don;t have to pay a computer guy, your service will be reactivated by us tomorrow.' But I have to pay him, I have already had him in!!!

When I demanded to speak to someone else, that was denied, it's not their policy to out calls through to managers or supervisors, she has apologised, so that's my complaint dealt with. Goodbye Mrs P.

I am angry. At the arrogance. Lack of caring. Incompentence. I found a website last night. Just type in Orange/Wanadoo and the word complaints, and you find a whole lot more people in the world who feel as I do. Now how do you suggest I take this thing further??? A generous donation to my charity might be a start, Mr Orange, and I will be writing to you to tell you so..

A little stressed....

...following on from this morning's update on J in China, when I was out at lunch today my phone beeped with a text:

'Driving back to the hotel after another dodgy meal in the middle of nowhere with factory owners who tried to get me pissed on about sixteen bottles of beer. Must be weak as I am now in a people carrier with pissed chinese listening to celine dion at full blast. Surreal to say the least. Jx.'

I hesitated before texting back, 'So who is driving?'

I guess J's text must have been delayed in delivery, for the reply I got was:

'The not pissed chinese. I'm in bed now. I'm fine. x'

So he knows to put his mother's mind at rest!!!!

I got into work to find the internet not working. Nothing. Tried on and off all day. This is in addition to dealing with families' problems, which are time consuming and demanded a lot of time on the phone trying to help sort them: trying to do my admin's job, as she has been off for three weeks now, and being a small charity, there is no IT department....

Eventually I rang W*n*doo, our service provider, and you know, the punching in various numbers in order to hold on for ages waiting for an agent not to be busy: when I did eventually get through, she wasn't British..now this is going to sound racist..but the point is, I found it almost impossible to understand her, she couldn't understand me, we both had to say everything at least twice, spell everything..it took forever to get into what the problem was..to cut a long phone call short, she decided the problem was my router needing its settings changing, so she gave me their help line number, and proceeded to give me the new settings information. I wrote down an endless series of codes and numbers and words which she had to repeat, spell, repeat again..while I sat, trying to be calm and polite but with a rage of frustration building inside me, not knowing what the f**ck to do with all I was writing down...

I then rang the router help line, pressed lots of buttons, waited..and it was answered by a very polite guy, again from the other side of the world, and again the game of understanding each other continued..how many times can I say a word, repeat it, spell it....then it was his turn...I found myself saying, 'I'm sorry but I can't understand what you're saying,' which I hated, but I was almost weeping with frustration, I just wanted my f**ing computer to work like it was last night when I left it....

He made me type in lots of things onto the pc, and we got into systems pages, and I thought, we are getting somewhere, until there was a problem with an IP address..then he says, eventually, I have to ring W*n*doo back and get them to register my user name and password cos then I can have an IP address...this was two hours on, and I just said, I'm sorry, I can't do this, I cannot ring W back, I was holding for ages just to get through...' so I thanked him..before I hung up he said (following his script..) 'Is there anything else I can help you with today?' What a stupid f**ing question!!!

Just at that moment one of my trustees called in unexpectedly and I opened the door and practically burst into tears of stress, anger and frustration..I F**ing hate call centres, so called customer service, computers, the internet and all things which are beyond my control!! After blowing a gasket, I felt better, and kindly trustee called up a friendly computer engineer she knows and he is coming in at 9am tomorrow.

Now that's a relief! I'll keep you posted. Sorry about the language, I warned you at the start I was a little stressed....

Next installment...

When I woke at 4am (as you do) I checked my phone (as you do) and found the following text messages from James on his Far East tour:

'Morning..be grateful you are not having a big lunch in some weird five storey restaurant with shark and fish tanks and sad looking chicks and ducks in baskets...dodging suspect foods. And downing beers when the factory owner bangs his glass on the table...xx'

Closely followed by:

'Morning..or night I should say...got through lunch yesterday. Long day in a cold factory. Had many beers last night in the hotel. Played ten pin bowls in the basement.Got to bed late and had a club sandwich in the room. Up at 6am and now on a 5 hour road (anything goes) trip today to another supplier.'

Now mothers are ok as long as they Know Nothing. As soon as they Know Something, especially at four in the morning, the worry gene kicks in.

OMG - will he get food poisoning? What are they making him eat? He will be upset about the sad little chicks and ducks in the baskets... and the driving...a five hour drive? Who is driving? What does the 'anything goes' comment mean? Is the car safe? What are the roads like? Are the Chinese careful drivers? Is he driving 5 hours back or moving to another hotel?

You see that's why mothers are needed. They have to do the worrying for everyone....

And his next stop is...

Just as I was closing my laptop at a quarter to one in the morning, my phone pinged with a text that read,

'Morning! Flew to Qingdao last night. In posh hotel having big breakfast. Going well. Lots to see. Amazing place. Lots of driving so seeing the country and cities. Fairly bleak but nice in parts. Wicked cold though! See you soon, J.'

So he is in another part of China, in another major trading port, having an experience of life that I haven't had! Can't wait to see the photos with the camera we bought him for his birthday...

A quiet night in....

An evening in on my own....what to do..started with a cup of tea and a little rest..followed by my lighting a successful log fire, without any kindling, with no-one to tell me I was doing it all wrong....a bit of newspaper, an amazon delivery box, a few logs and soon..a roaring log fire.

Settled to watch TV with a comforting bowl of spaghetti carbonara - I do so lvoe a bit of pasta - and I was contentment personified.

A little later I brought down my laptop, sat close to the fire and loaded up the software for the webcam I was given for Christmas...later on I discovered to my joy that DC had his webcam with him up in York, and so began a couple of hours of..I can see him but can't hear him: he can hear me but can't see me: it was hilarious with me talking, and DC responding with head nodding and shaking, or mad sign language, or written instructions on how to solve the tech problem. I observed that his grainy image coming from a small, dim hotel room, with him looking a little tired and unshaven, he looked like one of those sad images of hostages in the far east, sent by captors..this resulted in lots of written ransom demands and anti Blair/Bush tirades....

Anyway, after I had uninstalled my software, reinstalled, logged off, rebooted etc etc, and DC rebooted just for fun, hey presto we could both see and hear both parties. When contact was made again, David had disappeared, and instead I was faced with a picture of a notebook with the words, 'David is out right now, please leave a message...' Very funny....

Technology is such fun!! After much waving and silliness, we realised it was almost 1am, and having made the connection, it was actually time to sleep....DC wouldn't play when I suggested he just left his webcam on and I could watch him get ready for bed..so shy....

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Second Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	High
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	High
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Low
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)	Moderate
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Moderate
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Moderate

Liz, you are a saint next to me!!! Was I too honest? Or did you just lie a lot..I'm worried now....

Take the Dante's" Inferno Test

Room to grow....

CD towers suitably sawed (see how the bottom fits neatly round the skirting..I think it was my accurate template that did it)..they are also screwed to the wall above, so they won't fall over.

My side is nearly full, Clive's side has a way to go. See the gap between the CD towers and the door..that is so I can fit a third one in when needed....impressive, huh?

I took this photo and saved the pic in my file..when I came to upload it to blogger I couldn't find it..then I realised, instead of saving it as CD tower, it was DC tower. Oops!!!!

And today's lesson is ..geography....

Why on earth am I posting pictures of China? And not just any picture..this is the Liaoning peninsula, showing the important port of Dalian, the gateway to the northeast of China, important for its trade and industry.

I have just been reading about it on the web, and it was like being back in a geography lesson (Dalian, pop 1.6 million, climate: moderate etc) where to be honest, I tried to be interested, but it never came alive for me, until I started travelling....

And why is Dalian so important to me this morning? Because, thanks to a text popping into my mobile phone, I know that is where James is this morning. It got me thinking..one of those moments of pure clarity that are hard to explain to anyone else because they are almost just a pure feeling, rather than thought, that pops into your head in a nano-second, and takes longer to explain...

I remember my child when he needed my help simply to cross a room. Then to cross a road. Then to get to school...when he could do these by himself he needed my help to go farther - into the town, up to London, etc: and even when he could go farther on his own, I was still needed: what train should he get? How long would it take to drive? What did I think he needed to pack? And so it goes on, being needed less and less, until, one day, a text reaches you saying, I am in Dalian, China....the other side of the road...and he has needed no help at all....there was a time, not so long ago, when any of us travelling anywhere in the world would trigger a little family get together, a farewell, bon voyage, come back safely kind of get together, a long hug, just in case....and James was always the main instigator of that get together. This time, he just went.

What a change. How life moves on. And with the wonders, and I mean wonders, of technology, as he texts me names of various cities around China, where he is visiting factories to see his designs into production...at the click of a mouse I can see where he is, learn about Dalian and its port, and factories and commerce..and know that he has just arrived (safely) and had egg fried rice and coffee for breakfast, in Beijing, before flying to Dalian, and now, after 14 hours travelling, he is going to lie down for a bit before dinner.

And, thanks to wireless technology and my laptop, I know all that and I haven't even left my bed yet....

Here's two I made earlier....

Following our successful shopping trip, i spent a happy hour this afternoon making up my new CD towers..I lvoe doing jobs like this!!!! I lvoe making things, and seeing instant results. I think they will go here, behind the dining room door.

I wanted to start filling them with my CDs Straightaway...but Clive says he has to cut a bit out of the bottom of the towers, so they sit back against the skirting board, and he couldn't find the Right Saw...so I have made a template, for the sawing, and am being Very Patient until tomorrow..if he doesn't find the Right Saw then I will burst..and I know the wood of the CD towers doesn't match the other wood in the lounge, but they had sold out of the one I wanted, and I was too impatient to have them, so here they are...I promise soon I will post a pic when the CDs are in... (I know, it's hard to contain the excitement....)

In the meantime, when emptying the dishwasher today, I realised that the time has come to put away my lvoely Christmas mugs until next Christmas, or they won't be special any more, and I will take them for granted. So, much as I lvoe you all, you are going in the cupboard until next December, when I will get you out to use with joy and anticipation.....missing you already...

Shopping heaven...

Fitting out DC's garden office necessitated a trip to *kea, and I certainly wasn't going to turn that down..so after a visit to a family on Friday afternoon, I finished work early and went home to find DC there early..yes I really did say that, and he already had the kettle on making me a cup of tea, which I needed after my day (H&S audit from 10am til 1pm....)

After a lvoely, welcome, cup of tea we set off into London to *kea, marvelling at the fact that, as two keen shoppers, we had never been there together before. Well, a first time for everything.

Now, how do you explain that we were there for four hours??? Yes, four hours of shopping heaven...*kea can do that to a person, you either lvoe it or hate it, and fortunately we are in the former category, we looked and shopped, and shopped and looked, and by 7pm when we were about to make the transfer from upstairs shopping heaven down to the market place, I pleaded for a coffee stop, and we shared daim bar cake..mmmmm...a mug of coffee and cake later, I was ready for the next bit of shopping heaven.....

We were both in very good moods (unusual for me, I know...) and we just Had Fun..and filled a trolley at the same time....

Then, as we were finally heading for the tills, a Bizarre Thing happened. There is a guy we both know, originally met him when he came along to be a disciple in Peter the musical..goes to one of the lcoal churches, became quite a good friend, and indeed we have been on holiday with his family and a few others when the kiddlies were small. A nice guy, John, very friendly and funny, with a cracking dry wit, but circumstances have meant that I probably haven't seen him for a couple of years, although D has - they live in the same road!!!

So I see John approaching with his trolley, and I smile, but he walks past, not seeing me..I said, 'Hello John, fancy seeing you here,' because most people react to their name..but no, he walked straight on to the till. D was occupied with re-stacking the trolley Properly (there is a right way and a wrong way you know) and didn't see, but as soon as I pointed out J, he went over, and I saw him put his arm round J's shoulders and have a quick bit of banter. He came back, laughing, saying J was pre-occupied and not up to banter. Blow that, I thought, he hasn't even acknowledged me, miserable b*gger, not like him at all.

I went straight up to him at the till and said, 'You're not being very sociable today, are you?' He stared at me. Didn't speak. Just stared. It was him, but he looked like he didn't know me. 'You don't know who I am, do you?' I said, starting to turn a little red. (And I actually began to wonder about the woman he was with, not his wife..oops...!!!!) 'No,' he said. I just stared and stared at my friend, in probably rather a rude way but... 'I am so sorry,' I said, 'but you look exactly like a friend of ours...sorry..' I still stared, because it was him.... 'Do you mean John T?' he asked? 'Yes!' 'Well, '(altogether now have you got there before me?) 'I am his twin brother!'

I completely collapsed into hysterics, and apologised, to him, and his wife ! and as I walked back to D, the man turned round and said, 'That's ok, I just thought your friend was gay!'

Now that comment was pure John T..not only that but their voices were absolutely identical too....and he had put up with David just walking up to him at the till, putting his arm round him and making a few comments about his purchases before walking off..he must have thought he was mad......

Well, we giggled all the way home..honestly, it could only happen to us.....

Made it through the day....

Did my health and safety audit..managed to get the back door to a state of wedged half shut/half open, saying that the previous day's gale force wind and rain had caused the problem..... my H&S trustee, D, went round the back and gave the door a good kick to open it, and proceeded to get down on his hands and knees with his Sw*ss *rmy Kn*fe and hack several more chunks off the bottom of the door. It is now a satisfactory fire exit once more.

The rest of the audit went off ok..apart from the fact that I have to write a risk assessment policy, and make sure our lone worker violence at work training is up to date, ensure that as designated first aider my training is up to date, ensure that as designated fire officer (!) my training is up to date, contact the electrician to have the water heaters checked, look into a hand rail for the front entrance...and so on and so on...

It was suggested we could do with s smoke detector in the back room, and that I ought to have training on using the fire extinguishers..so I suggested I contacted the local fire station and got some fire-men in to do an audit of the office and my training needs....I was asked if I thought that was strictly necessary for such a small office, and I replied, no, I would just like to get some fire-men in, we don't see many men in our office, it would entertain us for a whole morning.....mmmm, not funny, not clever, not the right professional image.

I promise I really do take H&S seriously, I will get on to my tasks on Monday, starting with hoovering the floor which appears to be covered with wood chippings.....and the toilet could do with a clean as well....pass my job description, will you?

Keeping busy....

Similar to last week, this week has been equally busy, and I have been all the better for it. I drove up to a venue near Ely on Wednesday, to run the third of my sequence of training days: another very early start, another drive up the motorway in driving wind and rain. But what an amazing venue when I got there: the conference centre is an old stately home, on a vast estate, and inside was gorgeous..they do weddings there, and the bridal suite had to be seen to be believed..I took these photos of the hall and stairs...the carpet was soft and thick and you just sank into it....

...the manager was lvoely, they looked after us well and the lunch was much appreciated by the delegates. Hope I get to train there again!!!

Today N and I started training a new group of volunteers..a very mixed bunch, it's going to be an interesting 10 weeks.

My admin came back today for the first time in two weeks, both N and I had the same idea and had bought flowers for her desk..I hugged her when she came back in and she seemed pleased, altho not normally the huggy sort! She was so pleased to be back, after the new trainees went it was just us three in the office, all on good form and we had a real laugh.

I realised I was having my annual health and safety audit tomorrow, and checked the action list from last year's..oh dear, I have hardly done any of them. One action was to make sure that our back door had 'Keep clear' and 'Fire exit' signs on the outside. Had I done that? Couldn't remember. So I went to unlock and unbolt the back door (the one that is a fire exit and should be kept unlocked when we are in the office....oh yes...) having unlocked and unbolted I went to open it to find it had swollen at the bottom and was stuck fast. I stood and pulled and pulled with all my might, with N standing behind me laughing saying it looked terribly rude from the back..in the end she offered to go round the outside and kick it from there.

One large kick and the door flew open, and yes..I had put the required signs on. Then I tried to shut the door..of course it would not shut..no chance, the bottom edge needed about 10mm shaving off. 'I'll bring a plane in from home tomorrow,' says N, what a bright girl..I point out that it is 5 to 5, and I actually can't go home now until I can shut the door. I find a stanley knife, get down on my knees and start hacking off bits of door, causing great hilarity as N and MA stand behind me and say it looks quite rude again..you can't get the staff... even with chunks hacked off, it won't shut, and I slam it as hard as I can and kick it, but to no avail..suddenly MA takes over, kicks the door violently with her large black boots, and it shuts. I lock and bolt it. Thank God...

As I reach for my coat, I realise I am the only one in tomorrow..when my H&S officer checks the fire exit and I have to explain why the door won't open....perhaps I will take a plane in and attempt to open the door before he arrives and plane it down...hang on, this isn't in my job description....

To add to my woes, Laa rings and reminds me it is tap tonight..oh I really don't want to, and am sure the weather will delay her getting out of London. I sit down at home with tea and cake. It doesn't. She rings to say she is on a train, so I look for my tap shoes, last seen and used on 9th December. Can't find them anywhere. I drive to fetch Laa from the station, and the traffic is so bad it takes ages, and I am late, and Laa says it's not worth going to tap, and would I like tea and chocolate instead? Oh, result...

And by the way, I have lost over 3lb this week...must try and keep it up.....if only I had time to go to the gym.....

A lesson worth learning....

..at least Caroline might agree that it is, and a lesson we should all learn...I was at a meeting yesterday when one of my colleagues turned up limping, and with a stick..she had fallen awkwardly off a small step just after Christmas, and had been off work, unable to walk or drive for a few weeks.

I heard her telling someone about the experience, and what she referred to as 'the worst days of my life.' She was talking about the first week when she had to be pushed around in a wheelchair. She said, 'I hated it, it was awful, I totally lost my independence, I was dependent on other people all the time..when I was in the street, I couldn't see anything, the height that I was, I got handbags in my face..my friend who was pushing me nearly tipped me out forwards and backwards going up and down kerbs....it was awful but I learned an awful lot....an experience I would hate to repeat...'

I thought of my friend, who, on occasions, almost gives up the struggle to be independent in the face of a 'walking' world full of ignorance..and we are all guilty of it, even when we try not to be...

Nuff said, really.

Oh dear, I get that Feeling...

I lvoe it when you call,
I lvoe it when you call,
I lvoe it when you call,
But you never call at all,
It's only conversation,
So what's the complication,
I love it when you call
But you never call at all...

Now you all know who I am talking about....it happens all the time....no sooner does the subject come up - of you-know-who- : talk to anyone who tries to make contact with him, and like Merlin, they generally say, 'He never answers texts/phone calls/voice messages/e-mails.'

I mentioned in my blog about Saturday that Laa and DC came round for a cup of tea..what I didn't say is that when Laa walked into the kitchen and saw him, her eyes went up to heaven and she said, words to the effect of, 'Finally!! After voice mails, e-mails, texts, calls to the home phone, mobile phone..maybe I will get an answer...' and I heard DC make excuses for all the non responses....and now Merlin says, perhaps he shouldn't take it personally......

I was sitting in a restaurant in London with Laa before Christmas, spending a relaxing evening, when someone from GB, who I hardly know, and certainly didn't know they had my number, texted me and asked, apologetically, if I could get him to call her, because she had just about given up any other way, and she was desperate to set up a meeting. I had an e-mail a while ago from one of the Five saying the same thing.... It happens to me so often, phone calls, e-mails and texts from people asking me to get him to respond, it may surprise you to know that I get quite annoyed..not with the people...but with HIM. The person I am in business with....he does it to me all the time, and yes, Merlin, I take it very personally, and I know I shouldn't.

The Feeling song above..I sang it to him in the car in front of his daughters the other day, I said it was his theme song..they lvoed it......and just for the record, I rang and left a voice mail on his phone at 7pm tonight, and asked him to phone me asap (on business matters.) Still waiting............

Nearly time...

..to go to sleep. I hoped for a lie in this morning, but Clive brought me tea at 8.15am....so I read my book instead, and then spent the morning tidying my bedroom instead of going to church....

Mid-day and DC picked me up to go to our town in Essex where we now have a contract to help them put on a festival in 2008..we went to look at the site, and then had a meeting in someone's house, complete with tea and biscuits, for which I was so grateful, having had no lunch..I managed to contribute a fair bit and felt it was worth me being there..we went through our contract..there seems to be quite a bit of work ahead...one guy said, SAND (our company name)..'hang on, does that stand for Sally and David?' 'Yes! Win a prize!!!'

So that things get done, ie e-mails get answered, phone calls returned, etc, I suggested to the committee that they communicate with me, not you-know-who, and then I can ensure things actually get done, and nag if necessary. 'Oh,' said the guy, ' you're not married are you?'

I made sure we left on time (yes, I do the time keeping too!) and I got home in time to go to La and Mec's for dinner. Mec cooked it, and it was wonderful and much needed..after dinner, Laa and I talked weddings, and Mec and Clive did computery things....a successful evening.

I was going to come home and so some ironing, but do you know..can't be *rsed..so here I am in bed instead....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Oh I need a day off...

I needed the weekend to get over the week...now I need a day off to get over the weekend!!!

I had a bit of a lie in Saturday..but all the jobs that needed doing were staring me in the face! Tidying, washing, cleaning..I made it as far as coffee and toast at the kitchen table, when i was joined by DC and Laura, so we had a little party...DC and I were talking new desks for his new garden office (Scandinavian log cabin) and Laa and I were talking (and looking at) wedding shoes. She has bought a lvoely pair on e-bay from someone who never wore them....aah....

Then I went into town and shopped a bit and also went into the office and caught up on a couple of bits in peace...bought my secretary flowers and put them on her desk in the hope she might come back on Monday....went and had a lonely coffee in my usual coffee shop, and the owner came over and said, 'Hello, Sally, your mate not with you? Never mind..' I wonder which mate she meant...

After doing a few more domestic things, I got ready for a friend's 60th birthday party. Actually we used to be really close, same age children who grew up together, and I helped her loads when her first marriage broke down..but I haven't seen her for about 5 years..didn't know many people there - did catch up with her children tho - and her grandchildren!!! Everyone else there seemed so..well, old.....I danced a bit in the disco, to show willing, but....to be honest, I just wanted to come home. Oh where oh where has the party animal gone? At 12.30am I was in bed with my book and a hot chocolate....sad or what?? (But I was very happy...I lvoe my own space...)

Made it to the weekend.....

Friday was an equally busy day, I had programmed in two family visits, which was probably not sensible, but hey..they are the reason I do what I do.. after which N and I worked frantically to finalise the arrangements for our 4th annual volunteers dinner this evening. She did the shopping, I did the table plans, menu cards, bought flowers, dealt with phone calls and various problems, left the office at 10 to 5, drove home, changed, and headed off to the hall to set up.....

Fortunately N and I had some helpers, and the caterers arrived early, so soon we had five tables set up, candles, flowers, wine on every table..'Remember how we couldn't open the wine last year?' said Nikki, 'Well, this year I made sure we got screw top.' Well done. Until, in fact, she realised her husband had 'helped' by changing the wine in her trolley at the last minute, for a 'better one', (men always know best, don't they?) and this wine had corks! So, as we all sat down to eat, she rang home - not far away fortunately - and communicated to him the need to appear with a corkscrew - now. He was very good and appeared almost instantly.

After the meal I always make a speech and thank the volunteers, that's no problem, it's trying to be amusing that is the trouble. I had a couple of 'amusing' stories, but I was helped by Nikki's mobile phone ringing while I was talking, enabling me to take the mick, 'you can't get the staff,' and 'look what I have to put up with, her phone never stops...' she was embarrassed, I milked it mercilessly, and our volunteers loved it.

After clearing up, washing up and driving home, I was in bed with a coffee (I know, I know, others might have treated themselves to a whiskey after such a week, but not me, I have Learned My Lesson...) and my book...and was asleep the moment my head hit the pillow, as they say....

the week continued...

I was up early to go and visit a volunteer who told me she had mouth and throat cancer, which was horrible, but then took her to meet family she is going to support because she 'has to keep busy.' Aren't people amazing? The matched another volunteer with a mum with a toddler and twins, and left her happily bottle feeding a tiny babe....

After that a visit to a stressed mum who is finding 3 children all too much, for various reasons...and back to the office to meet up with N and catch up with phone calls, social workers, families, volunteers, before dashing home to have a quick cup of tea and slice of cake (with candle stuck in, in honour of birthday!!_) with DC..interrupted by my friendly builder and kitchen maker who came to look and quote for putting in a new kitchen...after running DC home, I headed off to the pub to meet with V. She was my bereavement counsellor, then (and still) my external supervisor, and now friend and diet buddy! We have decided to encourage each other to lose weight and planned our strategy.

I was home by 9.45pm and sat down for a planning session for running the training session again today, co-training with someone new who wanted me to take the lead. Happy with my notes, I got to bed by 11.30pm, and it seemed no time at all until the alarm went off at 6.15am, to get me up for a long drive into the darkest depths of Essex.

At 4pm today, another 25 delegates left, trained and happy, my co-trainer gave me a hug, and we read the feedback forms which were all good. Boy was I tired tho! I drove back down the M11, the wind so high I was hanging on to keep the car on the road..and my eyes open...I lasted long enough to fall in the front door, up stairs and I was asleep in minutes. However do people keep up this life style on a daily basis? Night xxx

What a week....

..and it isn't over yet!! Monday was a full-on day at work, with my secretary ringing in to say her dad had been taken to hospital and she had to go and stay with her mum, and didn't know when she would be back...sounds familiar..so N and I have been holding the fort...

Except I didn't hold the fort for long, on Monday evening I packed a bag and headed up the Al to Stevenage, for a night at a hotel..and an evening meeting with the lady who gave me my new training post , to plan my first day's training the following day. During our meeting she showed me the delegate list for the next day, and of course, being so close to home, their were many of my Herts colleagues booked on..oh sh*t, it's much easier to busk training and appear confident with people that don't know you!

I retired to bed by 10pm for an early night, but unfortunately started to feel unwell, and in great need of painkillers, which I had omitted to pack, and so I was awake nearly all night, tossing and turning, until the early hours, and when the alarm went off at 7am I felt like death warmed up..I just stood under a hot shower and tried to wake up..I hardly ate breakfast and went straight to the pharmacy opposite and bought drugs! They are all I needed..because the hotel had kindly provided me with toothbrush and toothpaste free of charge...

I got through the day in a supporting role, with my friends realising in the end it was 'my first time' and they were kind to me. I was so tired by the end tho, and almost fell asleep driving back. Did I go home? No, straight to the office for an evening Management Committee meeting which overran by an hour until 9pm. I rang home to see if there was any dinner, and the reply was no, but I'd lvoe a pizza..so I duly obliged, arriving home with two pizzas at 10pm and thinking actually, I didn't want mine, just my bed....

And so to the gym...

I stayed home on Sunday while C went to church, and was lazy, staying in bed, reading my book, so i was found just dressed and having my breakfast when he came back..felt so good!!!! Once again I spent a few hours tidying and sorting and putting the Christmas decorations in the loft. Everywhere looks so tidy without the cards etc up, but also bare..I mis my twinkly tree, but hey, there is room for the ironing board again now!!!!

I was going through paperwork, going through anything I could find, Clvie and I both received cheques in the post before Christmas, and neither of us can find them! They have to be somewhere....I am so determined to be tidy and organised and Know Where Things Are....

After a dog walk, being amazed by the mildness, the birds singing, and feeling like it is Nearly Spring..I go to the health club where I usually swim, this time to be 'introduced' to the gym by one of their trainers, S*mon.....I admit I hope this young man is going to be fit and stunning...sadly he turns out not to be at all, (not that young and not at all fit! well, obviously fit in the gym sense, but not in the way i was hoping....) added to which he doesn't make eye contact with me and chews gum the whole time. I was feeling really wobbly, as I have for a few days, and experienced the odd sensation that I was going to have to walk out before I just started crying for no reason at all... but I didn't, and I stuck it out.

I didn't find him helpful or encouraging, his lack of eye contact as he steadily chewed gum and went through the health check form was irritating...when he asked if I had any health problems which would affect exercising, and I said, yes, two dodgy knees..he made a face, stared at the form for a long time and said, 'Oh, that's a real problem...' and kept coming back to the issue. I had rather hoped someone would have more positive attitude than that...all I want to do is get a bit fitter and lose weight... even having dodgy knees can't make it that difficult....

(I have to add here that my knees have been Pain Free how and not played up for months...and the truth is, when I got out of bed on Sunday morning my right knee was painful and stiff, and bothered me all day, when going up and down stairs etc..couldn't believe it, on the very day I am going to the gym...)

Anyway, the interview improved a little..he talked about diet as well as regular exercise, took my blood pressure - the top number was a little high but the bottom number was ok..no idea at all what that means.

Eventually he took me to a machine called a cross trainer, where I was able to sort of walk on these two paddles, with sticks to hold on to..a bit like skiing on the spot. which he hoped wouldn't put pressure on my knees. I punched various buttons and it told me my heart rate and how many calories I was burning..he stood and watch me do 5 minutes of this, and I really pushed it, and my heart rate went up past the target, and he said very good, and I burned off..oh, all of 35 calories and decided it was time for a cup of tea.....

S said if I came in and did 20 minutes 3 times a week and watch my diet I will lose weight in no time..we went to his desk and made an appointment for Friday when he is going to introduce me to weights - apparently weight training is really S's thing....

I fetl so good after I left him (ie, I hadn't died...) I decide to go back to the cross trainer and do another 5 minutes. I joined the row of people on machines, running or skiing, all with headphones on, and glued to the TV screens in front of them....so bizarre, if I was going to run, and enjoy it, I would do it outside and enjoy the countryside....

No sooner had I punched in all my information on the machine..my age, my weight, and the machine said, 'Oh dear...' (only joking..) and started ski-ing, I realised both knees hurt and this was Not a Good Idea. So I while I was ahead and got off again and went home for my tea.

In my defence, I had gone swimming twice that week, and done 41 lengths..perhaps I had over done it....

A reason to shop...

No, you never need a reason to shop..(do we, Liz???) after a strange Friday morning of trying to work but not feeling connected, I went to have lunch with Laa and then we headed to a local florist for a quote for flowers for the wedding. Again, as in the dress shops, it was a case of 'Hello, Laura, oh I see you've bought mum with you...' Mum, of course doesn't have a name....

After an hour of talking flowers (yes, really, an hour, this is Big Business..) we leave and go shopping..a little something from P*r Un* here....a Big Something from J*gs*w there....oh my, the latter being a very, very nice smart suit, which actually fits me now......I just need an excuse to wear it..................

The shopping trip also included a mum and daughter tea and cake break, with time to talk and gossip..I do so lvoe my daughter..............

Saturday saw a bit more shopping, with me alone in P*ccin*s working out that a penalty notice from the London Borough of H*ring*y charging me of offensive driving on Christmas Eve really wasn't for me..no officer, I wasn't there, and altho it looks like my number plate, it's really not my car....

On to a visit to the homeopath, where I let go a bit of how I am really feeling, and not coping, and she listens and promises to send another remedy...can a small white pill really be the answer?

Saturday night was party night - at least the annual dinner of SAND and our faithful crew - D and I took them to a good Chinese restaurant, and we made it an early birthday celebration for D, complete with presents and embarrassing cards. I wonder who could have been responsible for that????

Say it with flowers...and pictures....

The flowers that Laura and James gave me, to show they were thinking of me on Friday. Bless.

Now, I am going to shame myself in public (I know, I know, so what's new....) but you know I keep talking about this room I am trying to sort out.. my room, my music/therapy/study/ playroom/ ironing/dumping ground room???? Well, I took some photos of it, to show you that although I have made good progress over the year, (really, now you can actually walk in, and you can see some carpet, much to the dog's amazement..) but let's see how much 'stuff' you can spot.....

Looking from the front to the back window...from top right corner....large wooden chest which came from my childhood home when we first married..full to overflowing with....all sorts of crap....various bits of crap on top - including call to worship pink wailing clock which you can't actually see on account of other crap in the way, such as the singing skiing penguin..next a book case, then my keyboard which I never play because I can't actually get to it (chair with ironing basket), behind which are piles of my dad's record and book collection: in front of the chair is a sewing machine I never use, in front of files and a box of cassette tapes I never play....bottom right corner, you can just see more files and the top of my mum's television..on the left is a sofa which you can't see because it is covered in stuff: bags, cushions, books, paperwork: behind the settee is my mum and dad's occasional table covered in boxes for the christmas decorations, then in the middle of the room, you can see my drier covered in washing, behind which is my desk, and cabinets containing more files....in between the desk and chair you can see some green boxes, containing all my GB files and paperwork....under the desk are boxes of toys and lego for visiting children, and a large photocopier that Clive bought from the church....


Now this pic is taken from the doorway into the hall, looking towards the front window. You can see the boxes more clearly, what you can't see, to the right out of sight is the piano, which I can't get to because of all the bags and boxes of may dad's paperwork and photos etc etc still to be sorted: a large picture of the lake District can be seen leaning on top the piles of stuff on the sofa: in the window are 4 french cafe chairs, found on the pavement in Manchester outside an antique shop, when we were first married, and bought for £2 each...behind the chairs a large blue suitcase containing blankets from mum and dad's house...my mum's TV on the floor, my dad's TV up on the side, next to more of his record collection and an assortment of my mum's glass ware..empty boxes that did contain our new hard disc drive, and an old video player that no longer works..out of sight to the right of the bay window are two large speakers Clive no longer uses, three guitars (mine)....plus piles and piles of music and song books....

Now this room, my room, is supposed to be my space, my oasis of calm and somewhere for me to escape. To me, it represents what is going on inside my head. I have started to get it sorted, if you think it is bad now, I can't tell you how much stuff has gone to the tip or charity shops, all stuff from my mum and dad's house, but it has taken a long time, physically ands emotionally, to deal with it all. My hope is that as I sort my room out, so I will sort my head out, because right now, this week, it has not been a good place to be.....

Two years ago today

Mum. Thinking about you today, as every day. Miss you. xxx

Positive things....

Yesterday I met with Rosemarie to go swimming, I swam 20 lengths non stop, which is good going for me, and we had a coffee and a long catch up. She encouraged me to sign up for my introduction to the gym, and personal training programme, that's happening on Thursday.

This morning, after a wobbly start, I attacked my untidy music/playroom, whilst playing Caroline's Dixie Chicks CD very loudly. Sorry, I will give it back soon, honestly..I am growing to like it nearly as much as the first, which I absolutely love.....

This afternoon I went for a doggie walk with Jacky and Peter, ending with tea and cake at their house, and another day to thank God for good friends to spend time with.

Tomorrow..a rude awakening before 7.30am, and an attempt to get up and be in work on time..start the year as I mean to go on.

To all my blogging friends, I do lvoe and value you, thank you, and keep on blogging!!! I wish you all a happy and peaceful 2007.

The First Day of the Rest of My Life....

January 1st. 2007. New Year's Day. A new start. It's gone 11am and I am still in bed! I have been sitting here thinking, wondering how to be different. To make things different. Yesterday I allowed myself to be hurt, upset and angry....it spoiled my day. Again. The last day of the year. Get over it, I told myself, don't let someone spoil your day. So I did.

I prepared a couple of games for David's party, an ice breaker, and an update to a certain pub quiz, at about 6pm, when I finally realised he wasn't coming round (see previous blog.) and went to the party, and it was fine. The ice breaker, guess the character I have just stuck on your back: it took me f**ing ages to guess I was Jane Austen, and I had just created all the labels, so I should have had an advantage really....then about 60 people got into teams and did the pub quiz, complete with large flower jokers, and we ran out of time, as at a quarter to twelve it was time to pour champagne and prepare for party poppers. At midnight, we all hugged, wished each other a Happy New Year and we were all friends.

This morning I just spoke to my leovly mate George on the phone, and I told her about the party. As she was talking she said something like, if you see David, tell him something..to which I replied, I'm not speaking to him. George says, 'Oh, has he upset you since midnight then?' Yes, he has.

How can I be different? How can I laugh it off? He won't change, so how can I? I asked the question, last night, in front of a few friends, how can I continue to be in business, in partnership, with someone who doesn't communicate with me? All the replies came back immediately, they would all quite understand if I wasn't!!!

I was feeling so hurt, bottling it all up, but I have talked to George, and cried a bit, and now feel better. Aren't friends wonderful!!! I lvoe you all. Just tell me, please, how do I grow a thicker skin this year?

Happy New Year.