A real dip, I'm afraid....

I have been dipping for a little while, but struggling to stay afloat....found the weekend hard....then by yesterday was really down, and ended up last night by having one of those solitary dog walks (thank God for the Wick to walk round) and thank God for Sophie, where I just cry and cry and can't stop. I sometimes ring a good friend, sometimes I feel I don't want to impose myself in that state, and last night was one of them. The kind of feeling bad which makes me want to reach for the two boxes of anti-depressants I have unused in the draw, but I really don't want to go back to them, they won't change anything. I came back and just told C I didn't feel well and went straight to bed. When you are in separate rooms you have private space to cry in..but it can be so lonely.....

The day wasn't helped by several e-mails from Hilary, James' ex, which upset me, then a phone call from her apologising for upsetting me, which made me cry again, and she said, don't be upset, I am ok, don't worry about me, I am over it, I am really ok, don't cry, I hate your son now...I tried to make her understand that it was not all about her, I am sad about everything that has happened, that I can't deal with this stuff at work, and I don't want to hear that she hates my son....she said oh, sorry.....

I saw DC after work and had laptop conversations among other things, and I was in a bad place, so it wasn't fun, and I wanted to just cry, and tell him about HIlary, but somehow I didn't, and I didn't tell Clive later...but save it to tell a computer, how sad is that......I guess because I know the bloky response wont be just to hug and elt me cry and say nothing..there will be comments and opnions which I didn't need....

Anyway I have to keep the laptop now cos I have been so busy at work..I haven't blogged about the meetings this week, too many people in the office, too much pressure which hasn't helped. Just meant I didn't have time to do anythign about the laptop, or do the list of office keyholders, or ring a GP, or the family, or 101 other things on my to do list.

The laptop thing is a genuine misunderstanding. In his enthusiasm DC thought I had asked him to order me one. Of course now he is hurt that I don't want it, and feels if I keep it I will just resent him every time I look at it. No, I said, I'll grow to lvoe it in time....he said he would pay the difference (I was only planning to spend £600-£700) which was only fair, but as soon as he offered, I said no, thank you, I'll pay it all....I have some pride..I think...

We spent some time doing stuff like setting up internet banking (I nearly wrote internet bonking, sounds more fun...) and while he was talking techie and helping me set up various e-mail accounts, I was thinking about life, and J and H, and wanted to cry...but didn't..maybe there would be a chance later to talk about it, as we has said we both had the evening free..

Then H rang his mobile and reminded him he was late for a church meeting they were both going to....and so he said, sorry, I thought we'd be done by now, and went. Why didn't he say?

So, time for my solitary dog walk....by the way DC doesn't read my blog, so don't say anything, OK?!!!
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