Maybe it's the heat....

The heat, or tiredness, or PMT or stress, don't know, but today was not a good day. After a hot and tiring day in London on Saturday, with all the walking involved, I had a busy day on Sunday, setting up and running a charity stall in St Albans as part of the Council Festival of Life project. Although I had volunteers helping me out on an hourly rota, I was there all day, and it was hot - not helped by the fact that I hadn't slept well and was up taking nurofen at 6.30am....

I lasted the day but collapsed in the garden at 5pm with aching legs and feet..what would I have given for a foot massage???

Then today, Monday I was back up to London with DC for a training course, after another bad night, more nurofen, and not feeling 100%. What to wear to London on one of the hottest days of the year, when what you want to wear doesn't fit..a few changes of clothing later I reach a compromise with what to wear that doesn't make me look too fat but I won't die in it. I blame missing the train on DC messing with the ticket machine, he blames it on me changing outfits..whatever. We get there late to find the venue locked and have to ring the organiser who eventually comes out and let's us in. I, of course, need the loo, and go into the training venue last and find DC comfortably settled at the last proper chair and table, and there is just a chair on the end for me. I hate being late, I hate having the crap space and already feel cross and tearful.

As the trainer launches into the detail of Personal Licence Training (for this is the subject) I realise that the subject is alcohol, it's consumption and effect, or at least that is where the trainer chooses to start. I also realise that I perhaps haven't given this enough thought, and the subject starts to upset me as it brings to mind my father and his alcoholism. The trainer lunges towards me in an amusing impression of someone drunk...only I don't find it amusing. (I know this doesn't make sense given my antics of downing the odd whisky, but it isn't about making sense, it's about trying to deal with a range of emotions around alcohol) The trainer also talks about licensing laws and the political agenda and I find I violently disagree with him but best stay quiet. Most people on the training run pubs etc so I am in a minority and after one or two comments or slight 'stroppiness' as DC nervously observes, I shut up and engage with the training.

It gets better, and is quite interesting, but I know that I don't really care if I don't pass the exam as I won't have to be responsible for anyone's licenced event! We break for lunch, when DC observes I am a bit highly strung but acknowledges that this is a difficult subject for me..I admit to feeling slightly wobbly and not well, but not to worry, I will survive.

The afternoon is ok until the Trainer asks for a definition of violence. While people are thinking about the answer he turns and shouts in my direction, to make the point that violence can be verbal as well as physical. I am not expecting it, and find that I am going to cry. After a minute, so it doesn't look too obvious I leave the room and go to the loo, feeling stupid for being so tearful...but can anyone understand??? Not the right moment or the right person, I wish he hadn't picked on me. I calm myself and go back in to the training.

A little later, we are sent upstairs with a mock paper of 40 questions to do in 20 mins before the real thing. I admit to DC as we sit down that being shouted at had upset me. 'He didn't shout at you,' he says, 'but in our direction.' 'It felt like he shouted at me, I was not prepared for it, and I found it upsetting.' DC then gave me a look that can only be described as withering and irritated and he turned his attention to the exam paper.

How I stayed and filled in the paper and got 40 out of 40 I don't know. How I went back downstairs and sat through the 40 minute exam I don't know. How I didn't kill someone I don't know. Why I felt so bad I don't know.

All I know is I wanted someone to care. Slightly.

Here I am back in bed having had a cold shower, water and more nurofen and hoping I'll feel better tomorrow. You know, I think I've passed the exam. Just need to wait and see who got the highest score......not that it's a competition, of course.....

Now I wonder..will it break down according to gender..will the girlies reading this have sympathy with how I felt, and will any guys feel sorry for DC having to out up with me? Or will it be an even split either way?????