No wonder....

No wonder I get tired (although I am sleeping really, really well...) no wonder the IBS is back...no wonder making small talk is too much for me, can't be bovvered...my brain is thinking, thinking, thinking all the time. Can't switch it off..about how I feel about life, what is good, what is bad, what can I change, what can I do, how can it be different: sometimes it is ok, sometimes I am happy (ish) sometimes I am full of such pain I cannot describe it..well actually I can describe it, it came to me last night after Kate Rusby, when my stomach was churning and my head felt swimmy with thinking...

I feel like a computer or robot (like HAL) who is programmed with two conflicting instructions which it cannot make sense of because they are not compatible -kind of 'You must' But I can't' 'But you must' 'I know but I can't' until the little robot brain overheats and explodes or spontaneously combusts....that kind of mental pain......

There are no answers, only questions. Sometimes those questions consist of the meaning of life, other times they are of the 'Where is my handbag?' 'Where is my purse?' 'Where is my phone/chair/dinner/ insert anything I probably had it taken this weekend.... nothing to worry about, if you weren't there, let me reassure you that this was fiends (oh sorry, did I miss out the r?) in the pub on Friday night, having fun. Yes, having fun. The best bit was that I got so confused with things disappearing one by one, and then my chair, then once I recovered that, I didn't actually notice that my dinner had gone - I just saw Stuart in complete hysterics, and crying, and me going 'What?' and them saying, are you missing anything? and me saying No..then someone saying, 'Finish your dinner' and going..b*St*rds.

I have so many lovely friends at the ops weekend, it is such a joy and privilege to meet up with them. (Pause..only I could finish one para with B*St*rds, then begin writing the next in complete sincerity and not see the irony......)

But I do mean it. I lvoe you and love spending time with you all.....and tomorrow, yes tomorrow, I will take the day off, as a training course I was going on has been cancelled..I will potter, hang washing out, tidy a bit and look for things I have lost, but also hopefully, have a Board meeting with my fellow SAND director..and maybe have a trip to PC world,..or Office World for supplies..oh joy oh rapture. may be look for company laptops.....

He went on his first business trip today as an employee of SAND Consulting. I rang him on the train and told him he could no longer travel 1st class, (unless I go too) and had to have a sandwich instead of the full 1st class buffet car three course meal on expenses. Hah. Welcome to the real world, pal.