Forgot to say...

..at last I have done it! Bought myself an ipod. Just couldn't face going away for

a week and having no music. and as I have spent the last couple of months loading loads of cds on to my laptop, it was easy to transfer it all, and now it is packed and ready to go..complete with my latest i-tunes purchase, the Peter Kay 500 miles comic relief video..that will keep my happy on the plane!!! All I have to do is get up at a quarter to four in the morning...night...xx..zzz

Packed and ready...

..Finally packed and ready for our week's break by the Red Sea. Feels weird. We have never gone away before June before, not abroad anyway, so the summer stuff was still all put away and had to be dragged out..and tried on... we have never gone abroad for only one week, so it seems a lot of work getting ready..it takes me about three days to unwind into a holiday!

But I'm sure it will be fine..even if I am missing a meeting next weekend which means missing out on meeting up with good friends..I wish it didn't clash...have had a headache most of the weekend, and have been very stressed and emotionally wound up...think I have calmed down now, but the levels of my anger and upset scare me, if no-one else! The stress is keeping it all inside when I am at home, so no-one knows...but me...and anyone who reads this blog!!

It is also scary to think that I will be away from here for a week, and keeping in touch with my friends through virtual chats....this on-line community is so important to me now, I will miss you...of course, I may find an internet connection in the hotel...

Seriously, I think I need the break. It was booked to celebrate - if that is the right word - an event I have been keeping quiet about, until it happened - that is my husband selling his business and 'retiring' to work from home. After months of stress it still hasn't happened, although stuff should happen this week, so even he is taking his mobile phone so he can negotiate and talk business from the beach..not as stress free as we intended...

Anyway, I will have my phone with me too...if you should need me...

Thoughts and feelings...

..Head and heart...constantly thinking and feeling..that's me..no wonder I am exhausted most of the time..no wonder I don't sleep well..the thoughts and feelings don't stop. Won't stop. Trouble is, I give control to someone else..allow someone else to dictate whether I am happy or sad. And tonight I am unhappy. No details....but I am very unhappy. And alone. And I should not depend on someone else for how I feel. That is what is meant by the Peace of God passing all understanding..it is the peace that comes from within and does not depend on someone or something else....I know I should seek God's peace and not try and make my own...

I watched the film Chocolat tonight. I have seen it before, but it was just after I read the book, and I think I spent the whole time making comparisons, being annoyed at the differences...tonight there was enough distance for me to accept the film for what it was...strange that in my last blog I mentioned sex, chocolate and pleasure, because this film was about all three. The church was represented as a place of denial of pleasure, of judgement and exclusion, until the priest found his own voice, and spoke of acceptance, embracing pleasure, not denying it, and inclusion, not exclusion. God gave us good things for us to enjoy them, not for us to deny ourselves...but all things in moderation. As long as we remember to thank Him for the good things in life. Like our friends.

And Johnny Depp, who can walk into my life anytime he likes..with or without chocolate...

As I was saying about friends, a CD arrived in the post today from the lvoely Caroline, a perfect present (recommended to her by whispering Bob Harris, so it must be good..) and I knew from the very first bars of Scottish folk fiddle that I lvoed it..thank you. I have such very caring friends. I should not be sad.

What a week....

Did a training day on Monday (as previously mentioned)...attended a county conference on Tuesday, on teenage pregnancy and parenting....about 200 females there (social work and related fields are so women orientated...even so only one or two men is unusual...) I managed to sit in the front row beside one of the men...he seemed different, alone....made the assumption he was one of the speakers, and made small talk..yes he was, I checked the list, a visiting professor, and expert in teenage pregnancy!! advising government on policy...I glanced at his name..oh you must be Richard...(so pushy) and we chatted a while....

He got up to give his talk, which was mostly about sex, why people have sex, or at least research into why teenagers have sex, and related topics such as programmes on Abstinence, or Delay..of which he was not in favour...how to give advice on sex or abortion and not take a moral stance...good and bad reasons for having sex....which are not obvious...and then he mentioned the subject of pleasure, that not enough is taught in schools about pleasure, and that actually if a girl is having sex because she wants pleasure, she should be told it is ok to do it herself, because if you can do it yourself you don't need to get off with some grubby boy on a Saturday night as the chances are you can do it better yourself. That bought some slightly nervous titters from his female audience....it was a riveting talk (at least I thought so..favourite topics, sex and chocolate...) but strangely, when he came back and sat down next to me, I wasn't sure what to chat to him about any more...

Anyway...I was up early to drive into Cambridgeshire to run more training, back in the office on Thursday..oh yes, training volunteers!!! then Friday trying to tie everything up to prepare for a week's leave.

I had hoped to see the guy who does our website for us (for free..love him) at around 3pm, but he didn't turn up, until I was closing up at just gone 4.3opm ready to party and be in a holiday mood...so I opened up the pc again, made him a coffee, and said, 'So, how's life?'

......................................anyway, I finally left the office at 7pm having spent 10 mins on the website and over two hours on his personal problems, finishing with writing a witness statement for his solicitor having heard call which came in on his mobile phone.....it's the last time I ask anyone how their life is...

Except for Liz, I asked her that on a late night call which finished at about 2am!!! But we giggled a lot and boy, is that one good way to end a stressful week....

Lovely things..continued....

After a long day involving a drive to a lvoely little hotel in Bishop Stortford to deliver training....a drive, it has to be said, during which I felt happy (I know, it doesn't happen very often), the sun was shining, and an hour's drive at 7.30am meant I could listen to Terry Wogan uninterrupted, and he often makes me laugh, I love the music he plays, and when he played the Comic Relief version of 500 miles with The Pretenders and Peter Kay etc, I laughed out loud and wished I had recorded said programme....)

Talking of recording programmes, don't worry Liz, that you ruined the ending of Mansfield Park for me, as when I settled on the sofa to watch it on Tuesday evening, all I had was the last 20 s*dding minutes of Extras..I have followed all your instructions with the equipment, and all is working well, except when you (or I, really,) press record when you are watching something, it magically records another s*dding channel.....I will work on that..still someone else told me Darth Vader turned out to be her father, so I don't need to watch it....actually, more to the point, as I came to bed having decided not to watch the end on Sunday might, Laura texted me with 'Eeeuw..they are cousins, that's not right at all.....' which caused me much amusement, so no, I don't need to see the ending.....I told her cousins doing it wasn't against the law, but it ought to be illegal to let them have children..(private joke, some of you will get it, if you don't ask Liz...)

ANYWAY..what I set out to say was that after a long day's training in BS (see opening sentence) I was whisked to London by family to see Billy Elliot..I know I saw it 18 months ago, but absolutely lvoed it, and wanted to share it with them...I watched enthralled, captivated, consumed..as usual, with my family coming from another planet they all thought it was 'OK' with James' Amy saying 'It wasn't as bad as she thought it was going to be.' OMG.

The only person who should have really lvoed it was Laura, who really wanted to see it, but she remembered after we took our seats in the gods, about 1500 feet up from the stage, and at a 45 degree angle, that Mec has vertigo and he looked alarmingly unhappy and ill, and so she had to take him out, and they reappeared below right in a private box which was super only it had a crap view of the stage..you win some you lose some....

We went out for pizza after, I had a small glass of red wine, got very happy and relaxed, much to the amusement of my family, who haven't seen me drink, a(although rumours are reaching them....). I slept all the way home on the train, the evening made complete by discovering finally that the trendy guy I was sat next to, who everyone else seemed to recognise, and I was nearly blinded by the jewels in his watch..was Chico...so there. Be impressed. Be very impressed. (Who?)

F*ck me is that the time? I'll be late for work. I meant this to be a short blog....

Lovely things....

Laa gave me a wonderful compact, silver, cool digital camera for my burfday, with which I have taken a couple of piccies but haven't had the time this week to study it and do more (but next week i will, more of that later...)

James gave me this album by Ray Lamontagne (known as The Mountain to his friends) and on the very first play I lvoed it instantly..didn't have to grow on me at all, so it has been playing pretty much constantly since Saturday..so if you like laid back, bluesy/American slightly folk/country, lyrics about hurt, pain, emotion laid bare with his unmistakable voice..this is for you....don't tell me, you've all got this album already, and I'm just catching up....

Mothering Sunday....

Mothering Sunday, being the day after my birthday, meant that my poor children felt obliged to spend two days with me - at least it gets it all over with in one weekend!!!!

The morning began for me, as you might expect, with a few tears: I missed my mum, wanted to call her, tell her I lvoed her: remembered other Mother's Days in the past: Clive's mother was coming over to go to church with us, I told Clive I wasn't going, and had the usual silent treatment....in the end, rather than sit in my bedroom being upset on my own, and unfairly ostracised for not toeing the line, I decided to go downstairs to the kitchen and share my distress, rather than hide it as I normally do...he did indeed take one look at me and I got a hug, and I said, I'm sorry, I still can't do church on Mother's Day, it's too difficult (the third one without her...unbelievable...) and he said, that's ok, and was nice to me after that.

I was torn between feeling I was right to share how I was feeling, make him understand, get a hug, but also felt I had 'got permission' to stay home (like a school excuse note) and I shouldn't need to do that....

Anyway, it meant I had a long and leisurely breakfast with James and Amy, and lvoed James' card to me, 'To my mummy from your little boy' (all 6' 4" of him...) Laura arrived in time for lunch and so we all sat down to roast beef, followed by a lazy afternoon of newspapers and snoozing.

I did mean to walk the dog, but it was so windy..and so me and Laa researched honey moons and wedding outfits on the internet and drank tea and ate the chocolate cake James bought me..mmmm...then later, when everyone had gone, there was Mansfield Park to watch..don't tell me the ending cos I fell asleep and gave up..will watch it tonight...

St Patrick's Day activities....

Starts well, breakfast in bed, a card and chocolate. Excellent. Then a dog walk with Jill..and Sophie, obviously. My colleague Nikki calls in with a card for me, and I cannot believe it when I open it..where did she find it!!!!!

A search on the web reveals that this guy has done a whole series of Sally cards...this one being the most accurate! Well, it made David laugh, anyway...

Brunch out, shopping, time with my kiddlies, a takeaway in the evening, then all of us settling down to watch a dvd - The Devil Wears Prada - complete with m&ms, popcorn and maltesers means that my diet has been postponed for another day or two...

I have so many flowers that the house looks like a flower shop - or a funeral parlour - not helped by the gift from my mother-in-law of a 'table decoration.' I'm sorry, it's a coffin spray, I've seen enough to know, and it fills my dining room table, leaving no room for plates...

The Chinese takeaway arrives complete with a small packet of chopsticks, marked, 'Made in Taiwan' and when I open them, a small grey bug walks out of the packet and on to the table. It has travelled a long way to be here. Good job I noticed or we would have thought it crawled out of the food. 'I ate lots of moving things just like that in my food when I was in China,' says James...but this bug is helped into the garden by Laa...we worry it might have a hard time finding a mate...

Party time!!!!

Yes, Friday night was party time.after a full on day. I was asked to help assess presentations given by participants at the end of a course...it was a beautiful sunny day, really warm, a lvoely venue, and I was given a lvoely bouquet of flowers at the end - most unexpected but much appreciated. I then drove much too fast back to St A and met Rosemarie for a quick lunch...she noticed my swollen face and was most concerned....I was disappointed to learn that she had made other arrangements and was now not free to swim - my fault for being indecisive....

I managed a couple of hours at work before going home to be a bit domestic - and as D was unable to meet up - I expected as such, I got the train to London to meet him there, and we made our way to the wine bar, and Oli's leaving party. I had a slight worry that someone might mention my blog to D, seeing as I have mentioned him of late, but no, people are more discreet than that. So imagine my joy when we meet up with Steve, and he says, So, David, what's all this I read about on Sally's blog, about you being late and letting her down and upsetting her? No, I hiss, he's lying, I never mention you on my blog.
Fortunately the gentleman in question laughs with delight because he is receiving attention, and like a naughty child, bad attention is better than no attention at all.

Steve continues, I wish I could capture the exact words: So, you are an intelligent guy, with a good job, lots of technical stuff to hand, e-mail, text, personal organiser etc, etc, and yet you still can't organise your life? This time I laugh like a drain at such a direct hit. He asks D why it is so difficult to answer phone calls or e-mails. D admits it's not but he just doesn't. As Steve points out he is proud of it, actually. See how much attention he gets....

Steve makes me laugh by pointing out some of my recent blogs have been so long and so angst ridden, that he gets half way through and thinks, I need a coffee, this is not going to end well....and comes back to tackle the rest..sorry, I will try and do better...

The evening is good, I catch up with good GB friends, and end up in a corner sharing a fag and a glass of wine with Emma, and Steve has the photographic evidence to prove it...we bid farewell to Oli, amid lots of hugs and red wine, and when we get thrown out of the wine bar at 11.30pm, the young people decide to go on to a club...D and I decide it's time to go home...

By the time I get to King's Cross I am an addict in need of a fix, and so we dice with death dodging fast moving traffic to get to a known supplier. In the doorway is a large black guy putting a small packet of something in his sock..ooh, look, I say, turning to D, and he says, yes, move along, say nothing...I buy a stash and put it in my handbag quickly and we make a quick getaway and back into the station. Once on the train I decide to share my drug of choice and offer D - dark chocolate bounty or Cadbury's dairy milk? And why bother with illegal drugs when this is so freely available and wonderful?

After giving D a lift home, I am back and in my bed by 1am...a quick fix of nurofen for my fat nose and I am ready for sleep....but it is already my birthday and I am excited...

More swollen....

The bridge of my nose has swollen more, and I have been taking ibuprofen for the discomfort and slight headache that appears to go with the problem. I know, I know, probably time to go to the doctor, but no time today...we shall see...

One of the problems of being in business with a Very Busy Person, is that business meetings are scheduled more 'hopefully' than definitely. We have work to do. We now try to meet every Monday evening which does work, but there is a great deal of time wasted with, will he come round early and go back and eat, or eat first and come round later, but he must get back early as he has to leave at 6.30am next day to head up north..or other issues which means that Monday nights are not without their tensions. Still this Monday we got a lot done.

Other probable work opportunities were remote communication on Weds evening, sometime on Thursday evening when he got back, and Friday afternoon, to prepare stuff for a meeting next Monday. Weds evening didn't go to plan, as his lateness contacting me and the fact that he still hadn't eaten meant he was tired, and although we did some work via mobiles and laptops, it was late and we didn't get much done. So we went for the option of Thurs evening on his return from the north..whenever that might be. I turned down an invite to meet up with Jacky on Thursday, and swimming with Rosemarie on Friday, due to my 'business commitments.'

I then realised that the situation (as you know, probably) means I spend a great deal of time waiting for phone calls (he was definitely going to call me at 12.30pm Weds with some address I needed..he called at 8pm...) I put aside Weds evening and just ended up getting frustrated waiting while he went out to eat, waiting for a call back, at nearly 10pm...then I thought, I have put aside Thursday evening and he 'thinks' he will get away on time..and having turned down swimming on Friday, he informs me he will now be in meetings in London and 'should' be back in time, but can't promise....

So I do a quick bit of thinking, and when he phones at 6pm Thurs to tell me he is on his way down from Yorks, due to arrive at 8pm, I tell him I am going to see Jacky for the evening, and suggest he just goes home. He is surprised. He then says maybe we can meet up late Friday afternoon if he can get away..and I say no, I am going swimming with Rosemarie..he is further surprised. But he does have a habit of saying we can meet at various times that work for him, assuming I am free and not checking what I am doing. I cancel things I could do in order to be free 'just in case.' You can see where this is leading..it leads to me becoming frustrated and resentful, and actually he takes no responsibility for planning time because he assumes I will just be there whenever. Wrong.

This is not sour grapes, it is just the situation, and I have to take control, and only plan for time that is definite, if not, I won't hang around. Much more healthy. So last night found me having dinner with Jacky and a girly catch up as we haven't seen each other for weeks (I haven't had a lunchtime free in two weeks - I am also juggling a busy full time job and evening meetings, it's not like I have all the time in the world....) and she looks at my swollen nose and worries about my cocaine habit. As a nurse, she concludes I may have an infection under there somewhere...bizarre...we have a healthy dinner, and once again I admire Jacky's slim figure in jeans, as last year she has gone down from a size 18 to a size 12..how come all my friends (naming no names...) can do it and I can't????

Today after a busy morning I am going to find time to meet Rosemarie for an early birthday lunch, and later go swimming, followed by a trip to London for Oli's leaving do. Should be a good day.

Small in the scheme of things I know....

While others blog, quite rightly, about Trident missiles, or people starving in Africa, or having no health care, or deep issues of faith, I know my blogs are fairly inward looking and about me. But we can't all be the same. And I do care about the other things...

And I worry that we are developing weapons of mass destruction (only for self defence you understand) in case the USA decide to attack us....

But I am also slightly concerned that the bridge of my nose became sore and painful yesterday, as if I had banged it - but wouldn't I know? Today it became even more painful, as if badly bruised, and it started swelling..now it is red and there is swollen tissue on both sides..and it hurts..surely I would remember if someone had head butted me?

Now I am not only fat but I look like a boxer. I will audition for the part of the Elephant Man...

Meant to go swimming tonight...oops....

The good news and the bad news.....

What to wear? The mother of the bride dress or mother of the bride suit?

This is usually the first thought going through a mother’s mind when her daughter announces she is engaged or getting married.

Start by talking to your daughter. What colour and style would complement her wedding dress and what does she think would suit your colouring.

Wear a statement hat or headpiece. You need to decide whether you should be looking for ladies dress hats, dressy hats for church or suitable hats for a wedding after 5pm?

Don’t feel you need to wear a suit. If the occasion is appropriate wear a dress. Elegance is the key requirement. Wear a solid block colour as opposed to busy patterns. The golden rule however, is to wear something that makes you feel good.

Such is the advice found in one article on the internet.....

The good news....Laura's wedding dress has arrived!!! We went (with bridesmaid Amy) to see it and have the trying on...Laa was nervous..would she still like it? Would it fit? The answers were yes, and yes..she looked stunning. Absolutely beautiful. And I am delighted that it fits like a glove, Laa is perfectly happy with her size and figure, so all she has to do is stay the same..no dieting stress leading up to her big day.

The bad news....despite my saying I would lose weight, especially since Christmas, I just haven't lost anything (well, the odd pound, but it really doesn't count...) and I had started to kid myself that it didn't matter, I am fine as I am...but that was before I tried anything on....

There was a lvoely shop round the corner from the bridal shop and it actually contained some outfits I liked..that was a first, so in we went and I tried them on..dresses and jackets..I went for a realistic size, so that if my luck was in the assistant could say, no you need a size smaller, not the other way round..well I got this floaty flimsy dress and put it on...came out of the cubicle....and it just clung to all the fat bits. I looked awful. Then I tried the jacket on and I needed a bigger size...

The lvoely scary glamorous pushy assistant was lining up outfits, I went to try on another dress, that looked awful, I heard the assistant say, is it for a wedding? Laa said yes. Then; Oh, is she Mother of the Bride? Yes... Oh, dear. we must find her something very spacial then, she needs to look good...I tried on another promising dress with a strange under arm zip..asked Laa to come in and help me..then she couldn't do the zip up..at which point, like a sad, fat person, I started crying and said, 'I don't want to do this any more, I just want to go home, get rid of that woman..' Ok. said Laa, taking control, going out and telling pushy lady that we had run out of time and needed to go, I pulled myself together and emerged from the cubicle into the shop..Oh, let me just show you these outfits, says pushy lady, and I say lvoely, but I need to go, and we got out as quickly as possible...

I should have tried something on weeks ago. It might have given me the shock I needed to do something about my weight. I did join the gym, I do pack my swimming stuff but I don't go....right excuse me I need to get up, pack my bag and actually go swimming after work..before having a lettuce leaf for my tea...

As it says in the article above...elegance is the key requirement. Maybe I could book a stand in???

Isn't it sad....

...very sad...you have a go at someone cos you are cross with them, and you get loads of comments with people joining in....then you feel a bit guilty, and try and be charitable and put the other side of the story, cos the guy isn't all bad....and no-one has anything to say!!! What does that say about society today, huh?

The other side of the story....

There is always another side to the story..let's be honest. To start with, the quiz was practically finished and I only had to add the music round, and I put in a history round, cos when I looked at the quiz (finally!) I thought we were a round short. And as for the Who Wants to be a Millionaire round at the end, he said that was done and the Power point presentation bought up to date, so all was ok. I also did a celebrity picture round for the tables..that was good fun...

The day ended up hectic instead of the easy day I thought, with Laa needing a lift into town as she had a flat tyre, but at least I got to see the wedding ring, and we had brunch out, and shopped a great deal, and suddenly it was almost 4pm and time to take chairs to the hall..and I still had some printing left to do, had to e-mail the pics round from my laptop to the pc for printing, and it didn't arrive, then the printer played up..so when he rang to say he had left Sussex and was on his way, and to check I had gone to meet Chris and pick up the fully loaded landrover, I had to admit I was running late, last minute printing etc etc and I sounded just like him..we are similar really, let's face it...

Anyway picked up Chris and Landy only 10 mins late (which hardly counts) and we unloaded into the hall (we parked in the Disabled Bay, which is usefully right next to the steps up to the hall.....think about it...) and started getting ready. Half an hour later, on the dot of 6.45pm as planned, he walks in, and I give him a big hug as I am very pleased to see him. He immediately does techie things with Chris, playing with the laptops and graphic projector and soon we have up on a big screen, welcome to the H***S***t Quiz, as he has personalised the presentation for this evening. Bless. We even add the charity logo, and we are all on good form and laughing already. I feel tonight will be a good one.

Soon the music is playing (I created an Itunes playlist especially for the evening) and we have 77 people in 10 teams, the hall is full and the quiz gets underway.

It went down amazingly well, people lvoed it, he and I took turns to ask the questions, and amid the banter and double act stuff that only he and I do, when on form, there is much laughter..especially when he is asking the questions and getting on famously with the audience..I turned to Chris and said, it is fun doing a quiz with David...he is so good...and Chris replied, yes, he has charisma..with the emphasis on the he...well, thanks Chris, I used to like you...

At the end the winning team selects one member to come forward for the Millionaire round, by which time I am relaxed and in my stride and getting laughs too as I introduce the enormous prizes.... unfortunately the man's lack of knowledge as to whether the clangers or the smurfs ate blue string pudding means that he drops out at the third round..but the powerpoint presentation D put together, showing the questions,50-50 slides, and answers, is very slick and impresses.

Finally, the raffle, which we do as a comedy act, mostly because one prize involves a session with a hypnotherapist, which no-one seems to want to win, and I have also put in a charity 2007 diary which becomes the focus of the merriment, as I was offering diaries all the way through as prizes, as I over ordered and have some unsold....it was entertaining to see the diary and hypnotherapy prize left to the end, to see what people would choose..the diary went first...and there were sighs of relief when people knew they hadn't won the last prize...

We didn't finish until 11pm, but so many people came up saying it was the best quiz they had been to, so professional, with our PA equipment and screen...(really professional until D spilled his wine into the sound desk which was very funny..still it kept on working, and was still dripping white wine as we packed up at the end...)

Even Clive, who is generally critical, said it was good and our hard work had paid off..the level of quiz questions seemed ok and there was something for everyone....

While I was driving to pick up the landy earlier, D had rung me to assure me he had left Sussex and was on his way (he was staying almost 2 hours away....) I had been feeling kind and generous the previous day and had said he did not need to come back, that after a hectic week he should stay with The Men and relax...but he insisted on coming back...he was talking to me on the phone and reception was bad and I wasn't really listening as I was thinking of a dozen things..suddenly my attention was caught by him saying something about getting packed up quickly at the end of the evening, and packing an overnight bag and going back with him as there was a spare bunk at the youth hostel..my mind raced at being invited to join a Men's weekend, as the only woman, I thought someone might notice, but what fun...as I said, ok....but not really on, is it? D laughed and said no, not you, silly, I said I have invited Chris to come back with me...oh, I see, yes, that's a good idea...

So we packed the landy by 11.30pm, and the last thing D did was to reach into the glove compartment and take out a dark chocolate bounty for me as a surprise present, which I have eaten this morning while writing this...I lvoe them, and not everywhere sells them, they are quite hard to find, so a lvoely thoughtful present...

I waved Chis and D off into the night in the audi, knowing they would not reach the hostel til about 1.30am, but glad D was not driving back alone..standing in the church hall car park, as their tail lights disappeared round the corner, there was just that feeling of being alone after a lvoely evening....you know?? I wanted to be going with them...

Still, I delivered the landy back onto D's drive, narrowly avoiding scraping the wall as the gap is tiny and I haven't done that before...I loaded my boxes and bags into my little car, and wearily, with aching knees and back, drove home.

The other side of the story..regarding D, of whom I can be so critical..we met up twice on Monday, lunch time and evening to work on the quiz when he had a great deal of work to do for important meeting...he went to Yorkshire early Tuesday on the train so he could work on contracts for his morning meeting, but ended up on the phone to me for a lot of the time cos I wanted to talk and he listened, until 30 mins from York he said, I must go..I have to do some work, and I felt awful...he came back on the train to attend a church meeting he thought was important that night, then packed the landy with our kit at 10.30 at night...headed back up north at 5.30 next morning...he rang me everyday to see how I was cos he knew I was feeling low and also unwell..even tho he had difficult contract negotiations and the first board meeting of his new company to prepare for and attend...

Last week when I got upset about my parents and lots of grief stuff came back to hit me, he was working from home and stressed, but came in to take me out to lunch to make sure I was ok, even tho he didn't really have time....

So there are two sides to the story, and I am some times too needy and too demanding...I am sure you all also have stories of his kindness..and goodness, good job he doesn't read this blog...and in the end, he came back to do the quiz, it was brilliant fun and I had a great time. Tomorrow I will let you know how much money we raised.

Would I do it all again? You bet I would...we our available for quiz nights, discos, weddings (not Laa's) and barmitzvahs.....

Is it me???

I posted a few days ago that we were going to do a quiz. We have been planning it for quite a while. Sure the date's in your diary? Yes. Sure you are free that night? Yes. Absolutely sure? Yes. (You can see where this is heading, can't you?) We need plenty of time to write it. Yes. I don't want last minute panics. No. Or stress. No.

So we have written most of it. Never mind if we can't get together. We can do it one evening over webcam when I am here and he is in Yorkshire. Really. Ok.

Then, when we meet up on Monday, he has good news and bad news. I sit calmly and wait - knowing. The good news...Our lvoely assistant, Chris, one of our crew, is free to assist with all things technical on Saturday night. The bad news is...I wait. I breathe. He has accidentally double booked. He is supposed to be away on a church weekend. I wait. I look. I say nothing. He says he will come back on Saturday evening to do the quiz with me. I nod. It's the right answer.

And that, is exactly why you are not doing the disco at my daughter's wedding. The reason why we have booked a professional DJ. He looks hurt. That is unfair, he says. Oh no it isn't.

On Tuesday and Wednesday evenings when he is in Yorkshire, somehow we don't have the time to finish the quiz. I ask him to e-mail it to me. It is only on his laptop, and I have to plan for the chance that he might be late on Saturday..so I would like the quiz on my laptop. He says he will e-mail it to me, but also we can work on it on Thursday evening when he gets back to the hotel, around 11pm.

I finally switch the computer off and go to sleep at sometime after 11pm. I am woken by a text at around midnight saying he has got to his room later than planned after a nightcap. I reply and ask him something. He says, sorry, too sleepy to talk to you now, can we talk in the morning? Oh B*gger off is my reply, as now I am awake and it takes another hour to get back to sleep.

The conversation in the morning when I am in my office and he is driving to a meeting (and running a bit late actually) involves me getting quite angry that the quiz is not finished, I don't have a copy and I have the stress of having to fetch the Discovery from his house on Saturday, drive it to the church hall and unload all the equipment he promises is in there, and hope he arrives in time to help.

Will you please f*****g e-mail me the quiz? Yes, he says, getting aggressive, I said I would on Tuesday. But it's Friday and you still haven't f*****g sent it!! Well, he says..and this is the statement of the year...'I didn't know we were working to your specific timescale.'...what?: what? My timescale would be to get the quiz before Saturday, so that I can print it out...when exactly did he have in mind?

Well, later this afternoon after my meeting. Why not now? Haven't got time. Will e-mail at 12.30pm when my meeting is over.

I text at 2.15pm asking politely for the e-mail. It arrives at a quarter to three and he says his meeting overran....

Is it me? Is it me? Or is it any wonder my stress levels are high?

Tonight the quiz is finished. I have added a music round, a history round and a celebrity pics round. I am pleased with it. We have over 70 people coming. I hope it's good...watch this space...

Really, really, really busy....

..Liz said she didn't have time to be ill, and couldn't possibly take a day off..it looks like she has had the whole week off..sometimes we just have to give in and be ill...I feel guilty that she couldn't just give in to it at the weekend, but kept going for my sake...a friend indeed...

I had such a busy week ahead, I had similar thoughts...can't be ill...Monday saw my secretary back from two months leave due to parental illness and worse...she is now trying to get 'back to normal' and I know how it feels...at the end of a long day I has supervision where I cried a bit and admitted I was going backwards a bit..a lot of stuff going on...things about my parents brought back up, pre-wedding stress..work stress..and me being me...

After supervision I almost ran to my nlp diet group..I had lost a whole pound - hooray! - then we were hypnotised and I went into a deep relaxing trance while being talked to about willpower..I think my subconscious heard it..I came round feeling peaceful and deeply relaxed.looked at my watch, jumped up and ran back the length of the high street, got back to my office and ran a two hour training session on child protection - or safeguarding children as it is now known. Got home at 10pm...

Tuesday passed ok but I didn't feel at all well Tuesday evening and wondered if I was going down with Liz's lurgy...I was very stressed, and my tummy was all knotted, and Laa came round to talk through a few things...by Wednesday morning I knew all was not well with my stomach..I went into work late and spent the day feeling fragile. I would have had an early night but - joy of joys! - James came home for the evening and we really had a good night, lots of talking and sharing and a few hugs for me, bless him...it was lvoely to have some time even if I did feel ill and fall asleep on the sofa...

I should have had today off, I was still unwell this morning, but Nikki has gone skiing (so inconsiderate) and I had a volunteers' training day to run and a Parenting Programme to run this evening. I managed to keep going with the help of a cup of tea and slices of toast..finally collapsing into bed at 10pm.

The upside of the last few days is that I should have lost a few more pounds when I weigh in at the nlp group next week!!! And another thing, when you are busy, you don't have time to be miserable. So there.

This is wot I bought...

It's a John Rocca blouse. Quite nice I thought. Liz made me. She said it looked very nice. (But not as thin as this picture might suggest...) Even the lady at the till said it looked good on me. And given she was fierce and nearly came to blows with Liz, she was scary, I was grateful for her kindly comment. So it's in the wardrobe til summer. Or Egypt. Whichever comes first.

Went to my nlp diet group last night. Weighed in. Have lost a pound!! Did another guided relaxation which made me feel very peaceful. Then I woke up and it was all a dream..and I had to run back to the office by 7.30pm to run a Safe&guard*ing Childr*n training for my volunteers. I put out chocolate biscuits. I didn't have one. i got home at a quarter to ten, tired and hungry and ate some lasagne Clive had made. You know what? I think probably the best lasagne I have ever tasted. I think he should take over the cooking completely.

I drove up north...

I drove up North to Manchester
Through a sea of driving rain
And in the same conditions
I drove back home again.

I drove up North to Manchester
A good friend for to see
And despite the lateness of the hour
She cooked sea-bass for my tea

We sat up late to talk awhile
The way that good friends do
But sadly had to cut it short
When my friend went down with flu

The next day we went shopping
The way that girlies do
And despite her feeling poorly
We still bought a thing or two

We went out for the evening
And the curry it was fine
And despite the celebrations
We were home tucked up by nine

We curled up on the sofas
And watched a dvd
I relaxed and went to sleep a while
At peace, just her and me

On Sunday she felt better
And we talked a little more
And went out for our dinner
Just what Sundays are made for

Then last of all, a visit made
To see the birthday boy
He beat me at a singing game
Which seemed to bring him joy

A long drive home through driving rain
The dark, the wet, the spray
I composed this poem in my head
To share with you today

I drove up North to Manchester
I went because I could
And the verdict that I come to now
Is - thanks: it was all dead good.

Thinking...

Doing a bit of Blog hopping this morning, and delaying getting up as usual..I looked at Jude's blog, then at a comment made by Cal, which led me to look at Cal's blog, which I hadn't done before. I found the content interesting and challenging..I read the prayer for Lent a couple of times and just sat and looked at it for a while...and I read Cal's musing as to whether her blog is for herself or written for others.

It's something I often think about. When we write we know that others are going to read it, and I enjoy the thought that others might enjoy my blog- especially when I have funny stories to tell! I am a born entertainer!

But...very often I think, I won't write this or that, no-one will want to read that, or how sad will this make me sound..or how depressing...and yet if it feels right and honest, then I do write it, because I think..this blog is me, I am not editing out simply on the grounds of 'What will people think?' I edit on what I decide is not appropriate to share, or what I do not want to share, as we all do.

But..I wish my blog was different. I wish I had more to say about Life rather than my life. I wish I had more to say about my faith. I used to write about it, speak about it...I used to lead church services, have been known to speak in church (I hesitate to use the word preach, don't like it.) I wish my blog didn't reveal someone of my age still stumbling around being self obsessed..I was more together and more mature when I was a teenager. I was baptised at 14, the full total immersion, a real witness to my friends and family. I was so sure. So sure my life was in God's hands.

I wrote and directed Christian musicals. People from almost every church in the area were involved. I was invited to be on the Exec of our local Council of Churches. I formed my ecumenical Christian theatre company, and made an impact on the church life in my city that can't be underestimated.

I trained as a dramatherapist and began therapy work with groups and individuals which changed my life. I now run a charity and am working with people, helping people, laughing and crying with people as I share their journey on a daily basis.

I am a lvoely person. I know cos people who care like me. And they tell me. I am fun, creative, outgoing, sociable, capable....

I am also vulnerable, emotional (and with my blog title, nearly time for a little something, I can identify with Cal, I always look at the puddings on a menu first....)...mixed up, cry a lot and am back on anti-depressants. Why oh why? And like I said, I don't like my blog. As my blog is me, it must follow that I don't like me very much.

I feel guilty that I may have lead Stu to read the Purpose Driven Life when I didn't go to the group last week as I was too depressed and couldn't face it, and I haven't even opened the book.

I need to read Cal's prayer again.

Oh, and I need to pack.....

Quizzes R Us...

We have written pub quizzes for GB, for fun in the Beer tent, and for Ops weekends, for fun in the bar...then we adapted one of them for use at David's New Year's Eve party, which went down well in a drunken sort of way...

Now we are adapting that one for a quiz night next Saturday for a charity I know of...wot I work for..me and DC will do the quiz and the raffle, the local chippie will provide the supper, and a good time will be had by all..and if we are very lucky, we'll raise some money too.

Did Active Listening and Communications skills training with my volunteers today...always enjoy that, it's generally a new skill for them and I lvoe to see them take it on board and practice and grow a little in awareness and confidence...

I had my hair cut and coloured today on the grounds that it had got too long, too dark, and was boring. Now it is shorter with layers and some blondy streaks. It cost me a lot of money. Do I like it? Well, I rushed home, jumped in the shower and washed it, blow dried it and cut the long straggly bits off the ends....I like it a bit better now...it's true that they say, if you can't change your life, you can always change your hair. And regret it...