In bed. Gone 11pm. Laptop on knees. Having my own space, since Clive went to work at an exhibition in Birmingham about 6.45 this morning (I heard the front door close!) and won't be back until Tuesday evening. Some 'me' time. Had breakfast in bed. Did the Sudoku. Read. Thought about going to church on my own as I haven't been for weeks. Somehow I didn't get up in time. Spent the morning at home listening to music and tidying my bedroom!
Went for a dog walk with friends this afternoon, another friend called in a for a cup of tea, then this evening, again, I have been on my own. Did what I wanted, ate what and when I wanted, watched TV. Cuddled up on the sofa with the dog.
Done loads of thinking, although I have shared my thoughts with no-one. In truth, this has been a tough week. I have not been too happy. But I am getting better, the bad times are not so frequent, and not so bad. I so looked forward to going away, but it was over so soon, and when you come back - hey, nothing's changed. Someone texted me 'Happy Easter! He is Risen!' on Easter Sunday morning when I was out walking and communing with nature..and I realised, with great sadness, that it didn't mean anything to me. There was a time when my whole life was my faith, my drama, my music, and the whole of Easter would have been based on planning services, leading worship or music: some years, leading the annual Good Friday Ecumenical service in the Abbey in St Albans. I have performed in, directed or written moving drama in the Abbey, or played in the music group. I have helped people worship and understand the real meaning of Easter. Now it has come and gone without touching me. I don't know anymore. I don't know where God is in my life.
There have been tears this week. Tears today. I need time and space alone to think and feel, without pretending I am ok. I will get there. This time last year I was in Bristol, taking care of my very ill dad. I still feel lost some weekends, this Friday evening I was lost, not having anywhere to go, not being needed, I didn't know what to do. Sometimes, having to get in the car and drive to Bristol and look after my mum and dad meant I didn't have to think about what to do, where to go, I just did.
Now I have to think....and too much thinking is not always good for me. I know I have good friends who really care for me, and I thank God for them - or rather I ought to..but sometimes, ultimately...you just feel alone.
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7 comments:
Sally, I so hear what you're saying.
I can only talk from my experience, but part of me suspects that God never was very much to be found in the church-life related business. But somehow that's not so noticeable when you're surrounded by a culture that presents that exceptation.
Just as your Dad being ill meant you didn't have to think so much about what to do at the weekends, perhaps the swirl of church-life means we don't always have to think about whether or not God is about (obviously He just must be...everyone else is saying so....).
Maybe you'll start to find God outside of that 'noise'. Maybe you'll spot Her one day whilst out walking in silence with Sophie Dog, or whilst giggling with friends, or making a work visit.
Or maybe you won't.
Sometimes all we have left is hope...a very small, fragile, strand of hope.
And love, Liz...don't forget that one.
I'd say that much of everyone's busyness (including my own, mostly-very-satisfying churchy busy-ness too) is geared to preventing us from having to think or feel stuff we can't face. And I'm not sure that any of us are ultimately up to facing it...so we hold on to each other, and maybe glimpse God in our friends, and maybe, sometimes, show Him to others too, in the giving and receiving of Love. fwiw, I've met God on a pretty regular basis via that mad enterprise at Cheltenham Racecourse...but nothing like as often as I have in the way I've known you were there, both of you, in impossible situations.
Sally, still waiting for my phone to ring. Just to echo other comments, when I want to find God the most I tend to look in the eyes of those who care about me the most, eyes pretty much like yours amongst others!
Love ya
Sally, still waiting for my phone to ring. Just to echo other comments, when I want to find God the most I tend to look in the eyes of those who care about me the most, eyes pretty much like yours amongst others!
Love ya
no wise words - just a hug, and love...
Sally, I don't know you, but have glimpses of a truly lovely person I have gained from your blog and from your friends who comment and from the welcome you gave me.
Am sending warm thoughts your way and trusting they arrive - be extra kind to yourself,
Katie
Stumbled here a bit late, as it's now Tuesday morning!
Hugs & love from here.
I think when things change so much from what we're used to it's sometimes hard to turn from the activity - it's been hard over here...and I'm not sure I really find God in church anymore - but as others have said, in people - and sometimes in the most unexpected places.
Rach xx
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