Done it. Survived it. Don't know why I feel like that. It has been better than recent years, and I even made church on Christmas morning. But earlier, when I hopped out of bed and went downstairs to make a cup of tea and take it back up to Clive, I found myself standing by the kettle and crying..wasn't sure why..I suppose second Christmas as an orphan is easier but the sadness is still there...anyway, apart form that and a few tears in the service I did well...
I do find feeling responsible for everyone else having a good time takes its toll..I know I shouldn't feel it, but for so many years I have been the life and soul of the party..I buy all the presents and hope everyone lvoes them...I cook the dinner and hope it is good...I try and entertain, set the mood, make tea, offer cake, and feel it is all my fault if people don't have a good time. It's a woman thing!!!
Christmas Day was low key, after a post church visit to Laa and Mec..back home it was just me, Clive, James and the m-in-law..and altho I tried hard, maybe too hard, James and I seemed to clash, and I realised how close to being tearful I was, and how easily he could upset me. To say James takes after my father is an understatement....
I have to acknowledge that, altho I think I hid it well to those around me, I was just feeling depressed. But better than the previous few years, I really, really did want to feel jolly and happy and bouncing with seasonal fun...however, you just can't make it happen if it's not there... thee is a feeling that, at home, I cannot be myself...I wondered, if I was with certain other friends, would I feel differently? Could I relax and be really me? Or would my love of certain music irritate others? My lvoe of singing reindeer and little musical Father Christmases playing jingle bells..would they get thrown across the room at me as well? Would anyone want to play a game, or have me read Winnie the Pooh to them? Or would we all sit in silence, reading or watching TV... would I wonder how to connect with the people across the room?
The Vicar of Dibley made me laugh. Mostly the unsuitable jokes about animals....very funny...I texted a friend and asked if I had anything in common with Geraldine (the scene when she takes down the Bible seeking comfort..oh yes!!).. and the reply was, yes I was funny, and caring and a great actress too. I was thinking more of my love of sex and chocolate..not necessarily in that order...
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
5 comments:
Christmas is a strange time for emotions. Generally happy but with undertones which just off-set it. I spend too much time worrying that the presents I have bought people are not good enough and wishing I had done more (completely impractical stuff like sending my parents on holiday to South Africa for instance).
As to you reading Winnie the Pooh, I vote that it should be put on the agenda for the next ops meeting, we could all learn a lot from Winnie.
Oh, and from someone who does have problems connecting with people, actually you are able to do it and do it well because what is obvious is that you care.
Sally, you are kind of person whose presence manages to light up a room without trying. Glad to have you as a friend. xxx
yes, your comments are so very kind, but my family have to live with me.....
So identify with the strain of hoping everyone else is having the perfect Christmas..One of the lovely bits about vicaring is that you just have to be there and things seem to happen for people and then they feel all loved and special and you get to share in that...or that's how Christmas morning was for me, at least. Home front not quite as easy, but we did manage some genuine hysterically silly laughter, which was such a blessing. And I didn't cry ONCE while spending yesterday with A's family...though presence of brand new babe who is going to be my god daughter undoubtedly helped.
Anyway, love you and actually your family almost certainly do too...but that disconnection in certain directions is alarmingly familiar!gfwhw
Post a Comment