Goodbye....again....

A year and a day since my dad died. Yesterday I went to work, made sure I had lots of families to visit and kept busy. Til a pause at about 12 noon..I thought for a moment..this would be the time last year when I was on the motorway and got the phone call...emotion overtook me and I fled out of the office and into the silence and stillness of the church next door. I thought about him. I tried to talk to him. I tried to pray. I thought what to do as the tears poured down my face. Tomorrow I will bury his ashes. Tomorrow I will say goodbye again..today, a voice in my head told me strongly, today you will not go for a walk, or go home, or sit alone in the church coffee shop with a sandwich..you will go back to work and get on with your job and help people who need you....get back in there...

So something made me buy a sandwich, go back to the office and make tea for the others..trying to stop crying...suddenly the door opened and in came L, a lovely guy who is a manager for anther organisation round the corner, I like him very much and he is always up for a cup of tea and a biscuit. I told him the jettle had just boiled and his eyes lit up. Oh, what timing, a chat with L is just the thing I need, thank you God for that, so I grab the chocolate biscuits and our tea and take L into my 'inner room' for a chat. We sit down. He is smiling, bless him he is always smiling. 'Glad I caught you, I just popped by to tell you in person I am leaving.' 'Oh,' I say, 'Oh, you're leaving.' I try to say something else, but the tears, only just held back, start to fall, and I am crying so hard...poor L, I start to laugh at the same time at the look on his face, and explain about my dad and the day...fortunately as we sit on a lot of committees together, he had been aware of all my absences over the past year or so and knows what has been going on, and he is the kind of lvoeyl person not to be phased by tears, and he just says, 'Oh your poor thing, you've had a tough year,' and we just chat and end up having a good bitch and generally being politically incorrect about life and people and organisations and funny things, and we have a good laugh.

I am so grateful for his visit, and apologise for bursting into tears at the news he is leaving ( he has a posh job in C*mbridge lecturing on a new course about partnership working..) and he giggles and says he thinks he will e-mail everyone else, and not tell people in person in case everyone cries...he will invite me to his leaving do..off he goes, and he has cheered me up.

I manage to settle down and do some work, but all day, as with the anniversary of my mum's death, I feel alone as no-one close to me seems to have remembered. I hear from no-one. I suppose not having a mobile phone doesn't help. Oops, sorry, double negative. At last it is 3.30pm and I head off home early to get ready to go to Bristol. I leave at 4.30pm. I listen to Chris Evans and follow the England match on his radio show, which is the best way to do it. There are traffic jams. It is bloody hot. Should I trade up for a car with air con? I stop at Reading services for a sleep as I am falling asleep on the motor way. Not good. I buy family pack of M&Ms as it is now compulsory on family-linked trips to Bristol. I stop at Membury for shopping. Forget milk. Blast. Road works. Arrive at Caroline's at 8pm. Bliss. I so need to be here.