A good evening

What makes a good evening? Something good following a bad week...one of the bad things was running a Parenting Programme on Wednesday evening - no actually that was good because it was only session 3 and already those parents have made huge strides in dealing with what they thought were impossible problems: the session had a real sharing, successful, feel-good factor, and it was one of the best things of the week for me - what made it bad was it was on Wednesday, and yet again I couldn't make it up to London for Steve Lawson's gig. Attendance this year - nil. Will I make it in March? I hope so. Will Steve please stop planning gigs on the only evening of the week I am busy? Thank you.

Anyway, I digress..last night was good because I have spent so many evenings in front of the TV watching cr*p simply to avoid dealing with life..(The Antiques Road Show doesn't count - it's timeless, traditional Sunday evening watching) last night I watched Gideon's Daughter - had me tranfixed from beginning to end with the quality of the acting, the writing, the creativity....who would have thought up a painful, poignant scene where the actors are both holding guinea pigs? And that song...what words, how beautifully sung, I would also watch it obsessively over and over....even Bill Nighy managed to find a stillness in that role, and avoid the usual comic twitches..the use of silence, and looks that said everything....and Miranda Richardson, when she was overcome with grief outside the church.....that wasn't acting...it was brilliant...

Anyway, then I came to bed, and finished my book, Eve Green...a first novel by the author, beautifully told, and that slight feeling of sadness when you read the last line of a book, and close the page, because you've finished it...have to start a new one tonight....

Snap!

Reader, I installed my DAB radio. I cleaned and tidied the little shelf above my bed, moved my mum's radio to James' room, and placed my little radio/fridge/dishwasher/washing machine/microwave (see Caroline's blog for a pic) and plugged it in. I need to peruse the instruction leaflet to see how I actually make it function as a digital radio..but at least I have got it telling the right time..... then later I read C's blog and discovered that she has also installed her identical radio in her bedroom! Great minds think alike.

Had the most stressful dog walk ever yesterday when Jill and I were so busy talking that we lost our dogs. Sophie was found walking home - having crossed a busy main road - and Harry was picked up by a nice lady who bought him home by car. How Sophie didn't get killed going home on her own I will never know..the same wonderful good fortune that preserved Laura on the two occasions she ran into the road as a tiny tot. Actually..three....someone was really looking after her on those occasions. I was feeling so very low yesterday, like things can't get worse. After I was reunited with Sophie, I thought, someone is telling you to count your blessings..appreciate what you have got, instead of what you haven't..and your lovely, loyal, licky, waggy tailed dog is one of them.

Not having a good time..

..not a good time a the moment..I'll spare you the details..prayers and hugs please...and the news tonight, about the baby killed by its parents..I know I'm not allowed to talk about my work..but many of the families I work with are vulnerable..and they do cause worry...when do you pass things on, when do you wait and see, when do you take action, when do you over-react un-necessarily, when do you not do enough....volunteers come and talk to me, quite rightly, and the buck stops here.....thank goodness it's the weekend, I need it...and next weekend especially so!

Chocolate, tea and bobbing....

I have come home slightly early, and am curled up on the sofa with a cup of tea, a bar of whole nut and the two women bob on the TV. Almost as exciting as the curling! I definitely have hibernating, squirrel like aspirations until at least May.....

Slept well last night, sheer emotional exhaustion! Woke in the early hours to go to the loo and what was playing in my head? 'If I were a rich man' sung by Topol, from Fiddler on the Roof. I went to see Fairport Convention on Friday, have been listening to their album in the car.....and that is what my head plays at night...so very, very bizarre. And the dreams, don't get me going on the bizarre dreams I have...

Was co-facilitating some workshops today at a conference...had to run the same workshop 3 times. I walk in, and who is sitting in my first workshop but my bereavement counsellor who saw me for a hour last night being a complete emotional wreck! Excellent...sure she is just as surprised to see me!!!

Was a good day. Feel I have earned my early finish and sofa time. Any excuse.....

Another anniversary...

Didn't go to work this morning. Decided I needed some 'duvet' time and also rang C to wish her well for Salisbury and probably made her late in the process. Sorry! Wished my dad a happy birthday and looked at some photos...rang my mum's sister in Bristol who, on hearing my voice, said, This time last year we were with your dad eating cake and celebrating his 80th! We were..and he was asking what we were doing there, and when were we going to go home and leave him in peace....

I was on the phone nearly an hour, we both cried a bit, but we talked about mum and dad and past memories. I realised that is what I needed..no-one here is really able to talk about them, so I don't..and I needed to know I wasn't the only one keeping them in my thoughts. I think I'm not doing well, but I went to work this afternoon and then to bereavement counselling, and my counsellor reassures me I am really doing very well! So that's all right then.

I did something positive yesterday. We are free this Easter, for the first time in four years, so I have booked a little hotel in the country, for me Clive and Sophie dog to get away and do some walking..I actually made a decision and booked it! Shropshire, here we come! (Well, in April, anyway...)

Oh how I laughed.....

This picture on Caroline's blog made me laugh, because I was just about to blog about my DAB radio..it is identical! I was given it for Christmas by a friend, not a million miles away from where I live (mmm..must speak to him about the 'near bottom of the range' comment...cheapskate).

I had no idea what the gift was except the card said it was something to help my sleepless nights..as I started to open it, and take it out of the box - watched by fascinated children....the side came out first, white, with this circle in the middle...a very small washing machine. For washing my smalls in the middle of the night when I can't sleep. No, said James, it's a dishwasher.....no, it's actually a microwave for heating midnight snacks..... we all ended up with tears rolling down our cheeks..it is really white and plastic and we could not believe it when we realised if was a DAB radio. The top loading washing machine lid is actually for top loading CDs.

I have to admit I haven't yet installed it in my bedroom, which was the plan..I haven't worked out how to use it as a radio, but it does a great quick wash.....(miaow..)

Caroline, get it out of the box..it is so entertaining..we can both own one, and Liz.......what are you waiting for?

Oh, the swollen eyes.....

I don't look good this morning. (Do I ever?) But did so much crying yesterday my eyes are more than puffy, practically closed over. What was it about..complicated..lots of things..my excuse was that it was my mum's birthday, she would have been 81, and tomorrow would have been my dad's birthday. At least we celebrated his 80th last year. But I have done a year now, and i tought it was ok..... maybe it was hormones, that's another excuse, maybe I was mourning something else..a life I want but can't have... I was alone all day and that was ok, I like my own space, I had things to do..but the well of sadness got deeper all day until when I let myself cry..I couldn't stop, and I thought I would never stop..I had to go with it, but the more I cried the more sad I got, mourning all the losses and wanting something/someone who can't be there for me....

James rang to say he was coming over in the evening, and he knew from the short phone call all was not well. Next minute Laura arrives, alerted by an emergency call from her brother, to make me tea and sit with me while I cry. I really wished he hadn't called her, I didn't want to ruin her weekend - or anyone's, but she was lvoely and stayed for ages and talked and listened and tried to understand my sadness even though I can't explain it... then James arrived and we had more tea and more hugs..Laura left the room for a minute, happy in the knowledge that I had stopped crying and was better, but when she came back, humming happily, she found her brother crying....her little face!!!! James still doesn't know what to do about his relationship, ahd had a week off work to 'think' but is no further forward, except more unsure, more guilty and more upset.

You know me, I love to entertain, keep people happy, I'll do anything for a laugh, anything, so I scored 100% by showing them my new teeth...well, you have to laugh, otherwise you'd cry......

By the time Clive came home in the evening from hard day at an exhibition, he found us busy, me lighting the log fire, and James and Laura off to buy food and rent a dvd for a cosy family evening in. They came back with a film Laura had chosen, she thinks she saw it once on a plane, a romantic comedy, so we all settle down in front of the fire with our chinese and pizza and watch 'The Perfcet Catch'..... which is set in Boston, so it is full of places James recognises and has been to with H.....and it's about a couple whose relationship is on and off until they get together in the end in spite of all their differences...'Good choice' I say to Laura, as we are painfully aware James has watched stony face throughout. (Watching his face and Laura's face during the film was entertaining...... ) Still, it gave us something to giggle about.

Sunday morning. James has brought me breakfast in bed. Time to get up and shower, bathe my eyes and face the day.

What music do you play in your head?

I wake up during the night or in the morning, and there is music playing in my head. Not the music I have been listening to during the day, but random songs. For instance, recently I had Away in a Manger playing, then the next night it was Kathy Kirby singing Secret Love (which I haven't heard for years): I wouldn't mind but I had been listening to an Art Garfunkel CD in the car. Please tell me if it happens to you, and if you have any idea where these random tunes come from......

Quiet night in tonight, been searching on the internet for somewhere to go and stay over Easter, with Sophie dog (and Clive!) to relax, walk and have a change of scene. So much choice, so many decisions, it's been hard...

Looking forward to tomorrow night. Taking Rosemarie to the Arena to see Fairport Convention, one of my favourite bands..after we have been out to eat first, of course. I need a distraction - James is having a very hard time, but is being very 'blokey' and has had a week off work and is not communicating with anyone..maybe he needs this time to think, but he is very low and upset, and it's hard not being able to do anything. Prayers and thoughts and good vibes are needed - not to make sure he makes the right decision, how can we ever know what that is - but the decision which seems right to him just now, but may be very hard and painful to make.

Don't you just hate it when that happens?

I worked hard on that blog. Put my soul into it. And added a picture. Press publish - all gone. Sorry, just couldn't be a***ed to write it all again. In brief: went to nice Italian restaurant with Laura, ate lots, then went to cinema (no room for chocolate...) saw Memoirs of a Geisha. Enjoyed it. The end. I think I wrote something about the film, atmosphere, music, role of women in society..blah blah, sorry it's all gone.

Curled under a duvet on the sofa late Sunday afternoon with a bar of chocolate and a cup of tea and watched Forget Paris, a romantic comedy starring Debra Winger and Billy Crystal. It was lovely.

Then cooked the large joint of beef bought in the rain a the farmer's market that morning. It was off. Oh the smell. felt quite nauseous while it was cooking..didn't help when the dog puked on the carpet just before I served up. The roast potatoes were nice......

Tonight- oh tonight - went with friends to a concert at the Alban Arena. I knew I'd hate it, but hell, what else to do with Valentines' evening? It was more dire than I can tell you. A Viennese Strauss evening. It finished early. It's only redeeming feature.

And God has found a way of making sure I diet. A way to make sure that I only eat if I absolutely have to. And even then it will be soup. I can't tell you what it is, but I am being punished for a lifetime's addiction to chocolate.

Seen the film, didn't read the book.....

not a bad week....

..considering I was really down on Monday and cried through most of my counselling session. But I bought the most wonderful fish and chips after, for my tea, and watched Life on Mars which made me laugh out loud......I love it.....

Tuesday evening I had a training session at the theatre with all the crew. I had worked on Sunday, arranging the lighting for the afternoon Tea Dance, which involved climbing the tallescope to change gels in lights up on the ceiling. I'm not frightened of heights, I don't mind actually being up there, it's more the climbing up and down and getting in and out of the railed platform at the top I don't like. Still, having focused the lights, I was able to then plot them on the lighting board and make the floor look pretty for the Oldies who would come to the tea dance...and satisfy the DJ, who is at least 85, and very fussy about his lighting!

The training session involved discussing health and safety procedures, back stage security, and learning how to tie various Useful Knots in lengths of rope. I was chuffed to realise that I learned the knots quicker than some of the younger male tech crew members, and was helping them to master them. I felt a bit like a scout leader! After messing about with some dodgy speakers, and standing round trying to sound knowledgeable about what might be wrong, it was 10 o'clock, and the whole crew retired to the pub for a beer. Except the sad, oldest crew member who went home to bed, a coffee and her book..I know I should have joined them, in the interests of being sociable...but my warm bed was calling....

Last night I ran the second session of my current Parenting Programme with parents young enough to be my children!!! and then today I went on a Child Protection training course. Can't believe it, ate my lunch with a police officer while we discussed the details of a recent baby rape case......unbelievable on all counts..

Rounded the day off by meeting my friend R for an orphans outing which involved coffee and shopping. Not as much buying as I would have liked, but we did try.....

The home for beans on toast and to watch an old episode of Judge John Deed I had missed. Splendid.

Sorry about the peace and quiet....

..but there are folks round here who have been much worse than me at blogging! Some people haven't blogged since Christmas! Come on back, I miss you.......

I know, I haven't blogged since just after midnight on Tuesday..originally it was because I was busy, but on Friday morning things went downhill and I lost heart to blog....looking on the bright side, it's my first bad days for a few weeks, and they are bound to happen now and again.

I shouldn't be down, I have such lvoely friends, such as the very lvoely Caroline. I was in work on Wednesday when a man delivered a big box, and I elbowed my way in front of my secretary in a childish 'I want to open it' kind of way, although I suspected it may only be stationery, I love opening things and I lvoe stationery,..but then I saw it wasn't addressed to the company, but me as an individual. So I started to get more excited, cos I knew I hadn't ordered anything..what could it be....

There was lots of lvoely bubble wrap and then boxes wrapped and tied with yards of pink ribbon..from Wh*tt*rds the famous coffee company...three boxes, containing a variety of lvoely goodies in purple tissue paper...de-caf fruit teas, de-caf fresh coffee, a mug and marshmallows, and a box of hot chocolate, chocolate biscuits, and chocolate flakes. And a card saying..'Sleep well, love Caroline.' By this time the office was a sea of bubble wrap, wrapping paper, ribbon and tissue paper, and came in thinking she had missed my birthday! Ho, it was just a happy Wednesday present. Do I feel guilty cos all I got C for Christmas is another sodding giraffe........

So I promise not to feel low and want to hide in bed (I didn't get up til mid-day on Saturday!): it sounds really, really stupid I know, but I have had so many years of having to go to Bristol, now that I have my life back, I'm not sure what to do with it. Before, I didn't have to think....I just did. But while I am thinking, I can have the most gorgeous cup of hot chocolate with real chocolate flakes on......

Out and about......

What a busy bunny I have been. First, dog walking with Peter and Jacky on Saturday, followed by tea, biscuits and a good chat as usual. Then, Sunday morning, I decided to go to church. No pressure, so it was my decision. It was ok. Then home for a coffee followed by a dog walk with Jill and Harry (Jill being my friend, Harry Sophie's young boyfriend) in the sunshine - a cold crisp but beautiful afternoon.

Then, amazingly, like being invited round to Buckingham Palace for tea, we got an invite to Laa and Mec's for afternoon tea, which was very pleasant, haven't caught up with them in a while.

Sad news on Monday from James, who is having a rough ride at the moment, love life wise; he and H are 'having a break' to think, and there is great upset on all sides. I have done a bit of telephone counselling, and have also texted H to offer support as I am trying to be caring and not take sides. On the plus side, James has been offered another year's contract with H*bit*t and apparently has a mention for one of his designs and a name check in this month's W*rld of Interi*rs magazine. Y'all rush out to buy it now!

Tonight Clive, Jill, Ian and I went to see Robert Lepage's new one man play at the Barbican, 'The Anderson Project.' Amazing. What an imagination. What creativity. Makes me feel sluggish and lazy. In one of those amazing coincidences, in the restaurant beforehand I bumped into one of my dramatherapy tutors from my Post Grad more than 10 years ago. We said hello and moved on. The Barbican was packed out - hundreds of people. When the lights went up at the end of the show and we turned to leave, the same tutor and his partner were sitting in the seats next to us, I hadn't realised. Small thing, but how incredible, really???

The play was two hours without an interval. It was riveting, stunning. And yes, I still managed to have a little sleep in the middle......