Happy Christmas.....

Well, Christmas morning, I joined Clive and his mum and became one of those awful people who are only seen in church on Christmas morning. Some people were friendly, some ignored me...I was slightly distracted as we were supposed to be meeting C's brother and partner there, and they didn't show up..I did an 'Are you ok?' text during the first carol and got no reply which worried me. Then at the end of the service a text that said, 'We are fine..but at the wrong church...' having mistakenly wandered into the wrong church and been 'warmly welcomed' they realised half way in it was the Wrong Church, but felt they could hardly tiptoe back out. They told the vicar afterwards they didn't mean to be at the C of E at all, but at the Baptist across the road, and he was greatly amused....

Back at the house, with Laa and Mec arriving, there were 8 of us for lunch, and it was all very jolly. Except for the stress of trying to get everything ready at once, keep it all hot, make gravy at the last minute, while C was trying to do his mixed green leaves the Jamie Oliver method, and was getting in my way..'It just has to boil for 2 mins' he said, throwing various cabbage leaves into a saucepan. Then, once drained, with me trying to serve lunch to the hungry hordes, he announces the leaves have to be dried and then fried in the special butter he made yesterday...he was laying cabbage leaves on trays and putting them in the garden to dry and cool....the children were making faces and all saying they didn't want to eat cabbage anyway, I was hissing, You will, your dad is going to a lot of trouble.., at last a pot of boiled/cooled/dried cabbage assortment was served.. it was when he said there were chopped anchovies in the herb butter that he lost everyone, I think...

The afternoon was spent as Christmas afternoons should be, sitting in front of a log fire, opening parcels, eating chocolate and not moving much...followed by a wicked game of Monopoly with the new game where St Albans features instead of Mayfair...James and Grandma won, me and Laura just giggled helplessly a lot....

A friend texted and asked if Father Christmas had bought peace, harmony, clothes and chocolate. I replied, no, just chocolate, so that's all right....

Christmas Eve....

Sunday was relaxed and spent getting bedrooms finished, beds made, and I marzipanned and iced my cake, as well as making more mince pies and some short bread to boot. or to eat, actually....

I felt so relaxed, I even invited J and P over for tea, so we had a good reason to sit and relax with friends and begin to feel Christmassy. I do love entertaining, and at last feel in the mood for being sociable.....

Clive and I were lucky enough to be given tickets for the candlelit carol concert in the Abbey that evening..the Abbey was packed, the singing by the choir just wonderful, and it was a joy to be there. We were all given candles to hold, and then all the lights go out, so we all sing by candlelight, which is just beautiful. I am so tired, you know by now that I can't keep awake at any event when I get the chance to sit down, now I know I can sleep sitting up and hold a lit candle upright at the same time....

The service is two hours long, we haven't eaten, but I have left a joint of beef in the oven...by 10pm, a roast dinner is more than welcome..the it's time for wrapping some presents and going to bed..for tomorrow is Christmas Eve, one of my favourite days of the year....

C goes off early to do some jobs and fetch his mother, I go off early to a nearby farm shop and buy all the vegetables..it is wonderfully calm and a joy to shop, and I bring joy to their day by wearing a pair of flashing Christmas earrings..I have several pairs to choose from.....

When home, I manage to do final bed changing and put small tasteful flashing Christmas trees in each bedroom. The it is time for a coffee and a mince pie, and my flashing earrings are joined by DC wearing his Father Christmas hat, delivering presents. When we are joined by Laura, who has been let out of work early, she accepts without blinking, her mother, complete with large flashing angels on her ears, entertaining Father Christmas to coffee..well, she would, wouldn't she?

By the time James arrives home, and C gets back with the mother in law, Laa is chatting to me in the kitchen while I make a large pot of leek and potato soup for our lunch....I feel so domestic and calm it is frightening.

I then sit and chat during the afternoon, thinking this is the most relaxing Christmas Eve I have ever known! We have to drag ourselves away from the fire at 7pm to go to friends for drinks...having read K's blog, about her family gathering to sing and play carols together, that would be my idea of heaven, but my family wouldn't join in, sadly....

C spends most of the evening in the kitchen, doing special Jamie Olive things with veg and turkey, it keeps him busy and me and m-in-law just relax and watch TV. Then it's time for bed, and I try to contain my excitement about the Big Day..

Getting ready.....

Spent Saturday morning in town with DC doing final bits of Christmas shopping. Liz mentions Christmas tat...well you name it, he buys it. We always have to have a moving singing creature of some description, and this year we find a sweet Christmas mouse which sings 'We wish you a Merry Christmas' in a little mousy voice...we take it back to the SAND office (the Sandpit) and also decorate the little tree bought specially...well, we decorate the second, slightly bigger tree bought to replace the 'too small one' and I am given that to take home for my new kitchen:



















I also manage to hang chocolate decorations on the office tree without eating too many..then depart to do my 'big' supermarket shop for the festive season..early Saturday evening proves to be a good time, it is unhurried and successful, and I go home to do some work preparing bedrooms for the visitors, and even feel inspired to make some mince pies. Oh, I am so organised! What was all that stress about????

TGIF....I need a break!

My blog silence since 10th Dec is only very slightly due to malfunction of brain, nervous system and near emotional collapse: I do get overwrought with life occasionally, dramatically, but hide it well from most of the rest of the world, and then am over it fairly quickly. I am hoping the anti-depressants will kick in soon, and help restore a balance: at least they would if I remembered to take them...

No, the real blog silence is due to me being busier than ever, I have never known a couple of weeks like it at work, so many visits, the 11 newly trained volunteers needing visiting and matching with families, families to be visited, training to attend, conferences, workshops, meetings, and evening stuff, speaking at an AGM, Management Committee, Festival meetings, fundraising events, end of year accounts, and advertising and recruiting, shortlisting (that took another evening, reading through 33 application forms and short listing 7) interviewing all 7, the recalling 2 for second interview, and deciding not to appoint, so I have to do it all again in January..

A grants panel meeting, do you remember me saying a few weeks ago how I was writing a really difficult funding bid? Well, I got the money! Three years funding! Yippee!

On Sunday DC and I did our usual lighting for a local church carol service: it's good fun, all the lights work, I got to be creative with the lighting, and we lvoe attending this service together, it's a Christmas tradition....

Last Friday whilst trying to get everything done, making time to get round to DCs to work on papers for the Ch*lsmsford meeting on Monday, before heading off to meet Laa for Christmas shopping (much needed, panic setting in) my mobile went and it was Clvie, not feeling well and panicking he was having a heart attack..I dropped everything and drove home, phoning the doctor on the way, then phoning Clvie to keep him talking....got him up to the surgery for tests, but he's ok, however it is a recurrence of a trapped nerve thing in his neck which had him in hospital on traction for two weeks, several years ago... so he is laid low and in pain...

I empathised with Caroline, talking about things kicking off, at 4pm yesterday when i was hoping to get away, the phone rings, and a volunteer says, 'I'm really worried about the family I'm visiting...' however, the gods are on my side cos when I ring someone else to pass it on, they are not only there but say they will deal with it. Great.

Went to review a family, and talked for ages to a young mum with more problems than you could imagine..well you probably could..not going to be a good Christmas for her, on her own with two children, no support, no money...when I left she gave me a box of chocolates for all I have done for her..well I cried all the way back to the office....

Went to a networking Christmas drinks do yesterday, accepted a glass of warm punch, or mulled wine, whatever it was, it was very nice, but when I was standing talking to the Chief Exec of the Council, I realised the room was going round a bit and I thought I might fall over. Should I lean on the Chief Exec for support, or the wall? I decide the wall, and lean on it, smiling, and ask if the punch is quite alcoholic. Oh yes, they say. I haven't eaten..I decide I have to risk moving to the table with sausage rolls on, to help recover and be able to walk up the road back to my office. It takes a while...I really haven't got the hang of this drinking lark...

Sometimes your heart just lifts with the goodness and kindness of people. Unexpected kindness. And when Evil Twins send lvoely cards saying lvoely things and wishing me peace and happiness...well, I am taken in, I fall for it, and it makes me feel all warm inside.....Joy to the World....

And to share, a festive picture, of presents under the tree..and can you see a present which is fast asleep..on her 15th birthday no less?????

St Agnes Fountain

Last year, my cousin introduced me to this band, St Agnes Fountain, and I lvoed them instantly. Hearing them live at Hitchin folk club, and having their CDs to play added a new dimension to my Christmas music collection, and I booked to see them again as soon as tickets were available. This band only gets together for December each year, and tours for the whole month with its individual take on old Christmas classics.

I bought a CD for D last year, and knew he would lvoe to hear them live, so as an early Christ,as present I treated him and H to tickets for this year's Hitchin gig. So, last night, I drove D and H and Clive, to the pub where we had a lovely meal and drinks - some had hot mulled wine - not me, I was driving! and then joined the throng to hear the wonderful seasonal music of St Agnes Fountain. It was magic. A wonderful way to get into the Christmas spirit.

It was good to see C there, with her two daughters. We shared a hug or two.

D and H had never seen the band live. I think they lvoed them as much as I did. I hope they appreciated their early Christmas gift.

Apart from the music, was it a successful evening? Well, as they say, nobody died.

And even more predictable....

You know, I get angry, but I never bear a grudge. We are taught to forgive, and life's too short etc etc..it was always the plan this week that D and I would do some Christmas shopping this Saturday..so after the meeting on Friday was over, and we sat at my dining room table having a cup of tea, he asked if I still wanted to go shopping, cos he wanted to, and I said yes. Because I forgive him his lateness, and he forgives me (amazingly) the terrible things I said to him.

And let's face it, it's two weeks before Christmas, the shopping needs to get done, and we both shop together terribly well. Actually it was raining so so hard we had a long coffee indoors before setting out, and then it was lunchtime and time to meet Laura and treat her to a 'leaving GB starting a new job' lunch, which we did for quite a long time..it was good to catch up and chat and it was fun..then D went off to Christmas shop, and Laa and I did girly shopping, which meant I watched her try on gorgeous clothes, and treated her to a pair of black trousers for her new job.

Later on I joined D in Woolworths, he had several bags of shopping and was doing well, I had only bought a diary for next year. As we were choosing stocking fillers, I suddenly said, 'Back in a minute, wait here,' to D, and ran up the street to BHs and their ladies loo....it dawned on me that for someone who has been told to avoid dairy and wheat in her diet, spaghetti carbonara followed by a cappucino probably wasn't the best choice of lunch, and now it was taking horrible revenge on my stomach. It was not funny. I returned 15 mins later to find D had managed more shopping, and so I helped to carry some bags.

We walked across town to Wilkinsons to buy a little tree and decorations for our office, the Sandpit, (a swedish wooden cabin up the top of D's garden) and a few naff Christmas ornaments crept into the basket. Just as we were trying to manage the tree and all the bags towards the till, I was once again overcome with an urgent desire to find a loo. 'Wait here,' I cried, running from the shop and legging it up two flights of stairs to the loos by the public library. Only just made it...oh it could only happen to me..I was gone a long time..when I returned, looking pale and feeling extremely wobbly, D was standing outside the shop surrounded by bags and waiting patiently in the damp, cold air. Oh, what fun, and how embarrassing...

We decided it was time for me to go home...and when dividing the shopping I realised I had been out of the house from 10am until almost 6pm, with one diary, an oven glove and one Christmas present to show for it. Not a good start.

I opened the front door, explained about the long lunch, clothes shopping with Laura and not feeling well. Clive by now wanted to go out shopping, and I had mentioned a nearby centre whose shops opened late. 'We could go now,' he said. Given the state of my stomach, and the fact that I am full of cold (forgot to mention that) I think it says a lot for my stamina and my desire to please that I said, 'Yes of course,' and managed another two hours of shopping in M&S and Borders, until I collapsed on the sofa at 9pm with a cup of tea.....

And I thought, in the middle of the night, having had the discussion with D about our professional responsibilities, and how I handle stuff in the business when he is not around (ie late) and he handles stuff I haven't got around to doing (he is going to do some work on Monday I haven't done yet, but I have been busy...) and how D says we are equals and partners and should be professional and not let personal feelings affect the business..well, I agree, I did run the meeting with our clients on that basis, I was extremely professional..well, in the light of Shaun's comment that D should have a pay cut for every time he is late....it dawned on me, do you think I should mention it's time I was put on the payroll? That being tossed the occasional iphone, like a dog biscuit, isn't really enough?

So predictable...

..but I don't see it coming. Ever the optimist. Always hope for the best..mostly disappointed. He promised to leave by 10am, and ring me when he was on the road. I didn't hear. I waited. I rang. Voicemail. I texted. No reply. I rang again. Nothing.

At a quarter to one he rang to say he was on his way. Left NY at just gone 12 noon...and we were supposed to be meeting at 2pm..well, I flipped. I lost it. Good job I was in the office on my own. I shouted. I shouted loud. I swore. I put the phone down. I cried. He said he had said he would be back at 2.30pm, not 2pm (not true). I rang back and said he could have the meeting without me. I swore more and said some vicious things. I resigned again. He said he didn't remember saying he would leave by 10am. He did.

I tried to work. I cried some more. Then he rang and said there were delays on the motorway. Oh what a surprise. I knew what I had to do. Knew from the start what I would have to do..ring our clients who were on their way to meet us, and change the meeting to my house, and start it without him. Otherwise we would let them down.

I went home, tried to calm down. Made tea. Greeted our two clients promptly at 3pm, and ran the meeting. He turned up at 4.30pm. Yes, 4.30pm.

The thing is, why do I get upset? Why do I get angry? Why do I cry, shout and swear and make myself ill? Why can't I shrug my shoulders, say, oh well, he's late again, laugh, and carry on..after all, it's not the end of the world. I am the one who gets upset and it ruins my day. Why do I let it get to me?

Why? Because it is about respect. Consideration. Courtesy. And a lot of other things besides. If only I had a sense of humour....

Oooh, just wanted to say....

I followed the links on Merlin's blog, and did the thing about what sort of animal i was (some sort of deer I think) then what kind of kisser I am (a romantic one apparently, what did you expect) but then the links wouldn't upload on to my blog, I kept getting error messages.. Such a shame. And if that isn't enough for you geeks to work on, and tell me how to so it, I have found one major flaw with the i-phone that research hasn't solved...how to upload photos taken with the i-phone, onto the laptop. Aaah, not easy, haven't solved it yet..anyone want to take up the challenge?

Busy, busy, busy...

Never known a time like it at work, so incredibly busy and hardly any time to visit families!! Been recruiting for a new member of staff so we can expand a bit or at least cope better with the number of families and volunteers we have, and last night was spent shortlisting the application forms..we started at just gone 6pm and finished at 10.30pm..looking at 32 forms in detail, and three of us discussing our points (Mark is a hard marker and I am generous, but we still agreed on the top six!) We are going to offer a first interview to seven people, so that is next Wednesday taken care of!

Then one morning I had a business breakfast, starting at 7.30am, followed by a busy day, then in the evening was the guest speaker at the local Flower Club AGM, where they gave me a cheque for £100 (well, not me personally...) There followed a demonstration of how to make your own Christmas wreath, starting with a bent wire coat hanger, a bit of oasis, and lots of greenery poked in for good effect. Then all the ladies moved to a table each, got out their own coat hangers, oasis and greenery, and began to make their own. There was much excitement. I moved around the tables offering encouragement, then I was offered a spare coat hanger and bits to make my own..sadly I was poor company and made my excuses to leave, saying it had been a long day, now it was 9pm and I wanted to go home for my tea. If I wasn't such a miserable cow I could have stayed and joined in, and now I would have my own wreath hanging up on my front door. It's my own fault....

Today I must go in and try and sort my desk out, write the interview offer letters (I have no staff on Fridays) and then go to DCs this afternoon (who will be back from Yorkshire on time) for a Ch*lsmford festival meeting I set up earlier this week. I do hope he isn't late..otherwise I can't promise there won't be blood spilt..and it won't be mine....

And if one more person says, 'All ready for Christmas, then?' in a cheery voice, they will get a good slap...

Going down hill again...

Following a bad week last week, this week was stressed and difficult, with work really pressured, funding bids to write, deadlines to meet, recruitment to organise, a newsletter to get out, training to be delivered: and I managed to lose various things on the pc, so that I ahd to do the newsletter all over again, starting after the Show of Hands gig, at midnight, and finishing it at 2.15 am. Madness. But at least it was done.

I needed Rosemarie to counter sign a funding bid and she had gone away to Manchester and thought I knew. More stress.

I shut myslef in the bathroom on Thursday evenign to get some space, a loong hot bath..and I dyed my hair. deep, deep red. Very dark. Sh*t. Not a good look.

I had work phone calls and stuff to do for my other business, the event managment company, made difficult as I could not get to speak to my business partner. Texts and calls with no response. Promises of phoe conversations at pre-arranged times which didn't happen. Lack of coverage. Being too busy. Understandable, but frustrating. Eventually I hounded DC down in his northern office by landline, after two days of trying to arrange a meeting, and after being told he was busy and could he call me later, my reply was, no, you f**ing speak to me now, can you make this meeting? yes, he said. Fine, sorry to have bothered you. Phone down.

I then e-mailed my resignation from the business. Once and for all. Walk away.

I found a new hair salon with a top stylist who could fit me in for a cut and finish. Maybe the red wouldn't look so bad if there wasn't so much of it. I went in, the stress lifting off my shoulders along with my hair. My new stylist, trendy Italian guy called Davida (I kid you not) Dav-eed-a, was lvoely and caring and respectful and has done a good cut. A bit short, but not too short. And only a bit dark red now it's been washed a few times....

Saturday morning I gave in. I opened the packet of anti-depressants I have been trying to avoid for months, and took one. I have to get through this.

Saturday afternoon we had our business meeting. Lots of work to do. We talked, We worked. We laughed. He did not accept my resignation and says he will trya nd communicare better in future. When he is not up north in meetings from 8am until gone midnight working on contracts worth 21 million. I can understand why that needs focus. And will do for the next three years. But can I cope with being on the other end of that, trying to run a business alongside that?

As ever, answers on post card. Remember, he has promised to change....

Not quite Show of Hands....

I was so excited..my favourite folk duo and amazing musicians, Phil Beer and Steve Knightley coming to St Albans... I have seen them at a few festivals this summer, but now I had the chance to see them properly, in an indoor venue, sitting comfortably to boot!!

C has never seen them, so decided to come along and see what so excited me. Driving to the gig I put Folk on 2 on the radio, and bizarrely heard Steve and Phil being interviewed about the new tour, and then came the sad, horrible, devastating news that Steve's son had been diagnosed with leukemia on his 6th birthday last Friday, the first night of the tour, and Steve had simply turned and gone home. Understandably. The tour had been cancelled. I was on the verge of stopping the car and turning round, but then I heard that Phil and support artist Miranda Sykes had decided to go ahead with the remaining dates without Steve.

So there we were in a packed Arena, so sad for Steve, but rooting for Phil and Miranda coping without him. The support act, Slaid Cleaves, was excellent and worth coming to...Phil and Miranda did their best, but it was not a Show of Hands gig, they did struggle a bit, and it felt sad. Clive did not see or hear the real thing, and DC came all the way from Yorkshire by train, to return at 5.30 next morning, and it wasn't really worth it...except to support the guys on stage and send hopeful, loving prayers to Steve and family, and hope he felt loved from miles away.

August Rush

I arrived home from the weekend away a little later than intended, due to a late lunch stop ina rather nice hotel just off the motorway, where we partook of home made soup, rolls, coffee and home made biscuits, while sitting side by side on a large squishy sofa, with matching laptops on

the table in front of us, and matching i-phones connected, causing some smart ladies-who-lunch to pause and laugh at our endevours and the fact that, sadly, we were enjoying ourselves..you can tell the quality of the venue when I tell you that one guest landed by helicopter on the lawn outside, causing me and the ladies to rush to the window and stare unashamedly to see if it was anyone famous...it wasn't.

Anyway, I digress, after an hour or two of useful working (really, we were...) we headed home, and I arrived at my house at the same time as Rosemaries, with whom I had an arrangement for the evening. While C was opening the front door and saying, 'So, you've remembered where you live,' I was hiding behind Rosemarie and saying, 'I'm going out....'

We went out to eat, followed by a trip to the cinema to one of the most cheesiest films I ahev ever seen! It was so awful we had a ball just laughing and taking the p*ss...there were only four other people in the cinema aprt from us, we might have known..if you want a laugh...see it..it's dreadful.....why do good actors agree to be part of films like this????