Strange times....

Life feels weird right now....or may be it is all inside my head...is is sleep deprivation? After my immense and deep tiredness at GB, I was home briefly and trying to sort out the house as the kitchen work had started and thrown us into disarray..then I was off to Edinburgh, and didn't sleep well, then next day off to S&gar Hill to work another festival where sleep was in short supply..coming back life was so busy I and stressful I didn't stop, and by the time I flew off to a Greek island, all I wanted to do was sleep....

But is was hot at night, and C told me there was no air conditioning, so I spent a long time awake (especially with the snoring...) and by the time I looked myself and discovered there was air conditioning (grrrr) and switched it on, a few nights had gone by, then I couldn't sleep cos of the noise of said air con, so I switched it off....plus I had much stuff in my head, I am not really relaxing mentally....

So, back home to my own bed, one would have thought I could sleep, but now strange hormonal stuff is going on ( I think) and I am thrown into long nights of feeling like I am at least dying of malaria, almost delirious with a high temperature and fever and bathed in sweat...if I sleep with the window wide open and have no bedding on I just about survive.

Added to this I am feeling low, quite negative, depressed and weepy, once again leaving a committee meeting tearful, having my horrible downward spiral black thoughts, and wondering what the point is of going on....

Added to this mix is a kitchen not finished after six weeks, the stress of stuff going wrong, me left to handle it all, to make decisions, unsure whether to sack the builder and start again, difficult meetings after sleepless nights thinking about what to do...last Sunday I rang James, my lvoely lovely son, I was in floods of tears, and he dropped all his plans and came home and worked until 11pm on going through everything, producing a professional 3d design of what I wanted, and helping me put together a 26 point agenda to go through with the builder the following morning.

I think things are back on track, but things are still messy, still living on microwave meals, and 6 weeks in they lose their appeal....and life is busy, and stressful, and full of meetings, day job, evening job, challenges..I know I am capable, know I can do it, running training, managing volunteers, project managing a festival..but somehow certain meetings with certain people disempower me and make me feel under valued and not appreciated. And make me want to give up frankly.

And I am coping with the loss of my own personal space, with life as I have known it for the last 30 years, with C having retired, and he is home all the time, in the mornings when I am used to being alone, and when I get home..when I am used to my own personal space and time..it is a huge change which I am only just beginning to deal with...badly....

Still it's all probably hormonal, yes I have spots too, but hey, I will feel better next week and be back to my normal self, and blog funny stories..if anyone is interested in reading them....