A time for reflecting on my week....the kitchen still being worked on. Over 8 weeks now. The house a mess. The kitchen project a stress. A lot of money. And I mean a lot of money. Makes me feel sick. What if I don't like it? If it's not what I wanted or hoped for? It's my mum and dad's money. I cry every time I say that. I will never have it again. I will never have them again.
Sleep. or lack of it. Night after night after night..of wakefulness. Of thinking. Of tormenting myself about what could be. Loneliness. Hormones. Headaches. Worrying. Getting more and more tired....
Work. Funding bids. Committee meetings. Conflict. Tears. Families. People. Their stories. Their needs. Someone dying. Leaving a wife and children. A single mum with three children including a disabled child. A new mum with a small baby, coming to terms with a diagnosis of MS. All trusting me with their stories. And their tears.
How come I can help people sort their lives out, but I can't do mine?
Business meetings. A good year. Targets met. But at what cost?
Tonight, a Saturday night of tears. Thinking. Tiredness. A night of not wanting to be. A night of wanting to be needed. Held. Loved.
Tough.
I know. Pull yourself together. Too much thinking. Too much feeling sorry for myself. Get a life, get over it. Get some sleep....it will all seem better in the morning....
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3 comments:
Pity I won't be at the ops meeting, I could tell you that you do an incredible job bringing together a diverse group of people, that you help us gell and you are valued for that, you are loved for that. And not being at the ops meeting means I will miss seeing you and the fun you bring to it all (even when we try to resist).
Merlin, you don't know how wonderful it is to log on at 5.30am, when i have given up totally on sleep, and to find your comment. Only today I was talking about my value and what it is...self confidence taking a dive, so to read your lovely comment means the world. if you were here I would hug you. (Oooh...just as well you're not!!....) Thank you. x
Always, always easier to make things better for other people - and you do that so well, sweetie.
Love you. Wish you were within dog walking,cup of tea, mutual support range - but will have to make do with sending you a large hug, just cos you're Sally, and Sally is special
((S))
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