Have spent too much time on my own in the office this week, I think. Have been Mrs Angry, been Mrs Upset, and up and down in between. Friday was worst. Seem to have spent most of the week waiting somehow, waiting for calls, waiting for texts, that might come eventually, or not at all, and I really, really, shouldn't mind as much as I do. Still, I had a lunch date on Friday, that would make up for it all. Except it didn't. Waited a while..then went and got a sandwich and ate in on my own in the office and sniffed a lot. I should get a life. And what did I say last week about removing myself from relationships which damage me?
Still, I went swimming and Rosemarie and did 20 lengths to her 50. Doesn't sound good does it? But given the mood I was in, I did well to go at all.
Was tidying my bedroom before, listening to music and doing ok..ish...when I suddenly imagined, don't know why, that the phone might ring, and it would be my mum, saying, 'Hi Sal, how you doing?' in a chirpy way, and we would chat for ages...the pain of the realisation that this will never, ever, happen again hit me with such force it blew me apart....good job most of the time I can think of her without that happening.....
But the good side of that is that I am starting to think of her again as she was....well, fun, a friend, before she got old and sick and crabby and anxious and downright miserable....that is good....
But the gone forever bit sometimes really gets through the defences, even now....
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5 comments:
Oh, life is such crap sometimes, isn't it?
Love you lots. Many hugs heading towards St A's (that's them negotiating the M25 now...behind that 4x4...)
Oh hun, can't imagine how that must feel. Even trying to imagine how I'll feel when I get to that position with my mum, hurts so much I shy away from the thought, so to actually be there...words can't express I'm sure.
Remember you still have lots of people that love you. Not the same I know, but some consolation hopefully.
And to add to K's here's some hugs from the north. They're whizzing down the M6 (wow the bit by the RAC in Birmingham is clear for once) and here they come hurtling down the M1. Brace yourself ;-)
Hugs to you.
Feel the same about my grandma.
Thank you. You are all lvoely. Thoughts and hugs appreciated..I don't claim to be special, or be the only one who feels this way, or deliberately seek sympathy. I hope you know I just tell it as it is - for me. xxx
Hugs from me too Sally, xx
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