New Year resolution... a bit late....

I am determined to be stronger. I am determined to cry less and laugh more. I am determined to be me...really me.... a strange thing happened on Tuesday, I had spent a lot of time before and after Christmas booking artists for a gig in Ch*lmsf*rd in February, it was all sorted, but I was not responsible for the publicity, so I backed off. Then on Monday night at the meeting I was told we had not sold enough tickets and to cancel it. I was very disappointed to say the least.

So, Tuesday morning I rang the artists and left messages saying it was cancelled. Then I started to get e-mails and phone calls expressing doubt on the decision. I tried to deal with all this as well as work, and at the end of the day asked a certain co-director to take some of the work load as I had an emergency CP issue to deal with..unknown to me he wandered off to have a cup of tea when I thought we were in the middle of a laptop messaging conversation so didn't read my request..I ended up stressed and emotional and feeling unsupported, he was going to a church meeting so I went home late and then made several phone calls to deal with this.

The point is I was tired, depressed, defeated, fed up, it's four days until the concert I had worked so hard to organise, one minute it was cancelled, then was it? And there were all these calls and discussions which, quite frankly, I didn't need. Then something amazing happened. I suddenly wanted this concert to happen. I was going to make it happen. I sat down and fired off an e-mail to the committee, making a decision it would go ahead, organising certain things, telling people what to do in the four days we have, then having e-mailed it, realise it wasn't my decision to make. We (DC and I) work for them, they are our clients. I shouldn't fire off raging e-mails telling them what to do.

But I was suddenly fired up, full of energy, determined, focused. Instead of crying or sending whingeing texts I texted DC, 'The concert is happening, i will make it happen, I won't let go of this, I will show them!' Dc replied saying 'That's more like it!'

The response I got was positive, people reacted to my e-mail, people are jumping to it, things are happening, the gig is on. And I so relished the feeling of energy and purpose, a feeling I have lost of late, I have determined to hang on to it. I am strong, I don't need anyone else to affirm me, I am quite capable. I know my strengths and qualities. I will Be Myself. Perhaps God is with me after all....

However, when I was in London today, on T*nd*ring and Procur*m*nt training, and we were in groups discussing what out USPs were and how we could offer what funders really want, what are we good at, I probably shouldn't have said I give an amazing bl*w j*b, but the words were out of my mouth before you could say.....swallow.....