View from the wheel!

The second day's training was as good as the first: but the best bit was that, at 4pm when all the other delegates legged it for their trains, I just waved them off. I was doing what I always want to do after long days of training, that is, stay on at the hotel and relax.

Time on my own. Precious space. Away from everyone and everything. Just me. To do what I want. After two days cooped up in a basement training room, I longed to get out, get some fresh air and see Manchester, home of my studies at Manchester Poly School of Theatre, all those years ago.

I walked into the city, spotted familiar places, and places much changed and awesome. I went into H*bit*t and took some photos of furniture designed by their head of furniture design, a handsome talented chap called J*mes..... I told the very young very gay assistant that my son had designed them, and he practically had an orgasm on the spot and said he loved J's designs, stroked my arm and said how pleased he was to have met me. I made a young man very happy.

I went into M&S and bought a skirt. It's lovely. I will add it to the other 350 items in my wardrobe I will get into if I just lose a bit more weight.....

Then I turned a corner and saw it...the wheel!!! Oooh, how exciting! I paid my money and got into my very own capsule and went round 4 times, squeaking with excitement, feeling Piglet like, and took loads of photos and felt happy and free.

As it began to get dark, I decided to head back to the hotel before I got lost, mugged or a bit scared out on my own in the big city....I ordered dinner in the restaurant, watched TV in my room and then ran a very hot, deep, bubbly bath and lay and relaxed while my favourite music played on I tunes. Heaven.

Dinner in the restaurant (the Polish receptionist said I should book,) when I got there it was totally empty, I really was alone, so I ordered my meal from the very nice young Polish waiter (yum, I wonder what time he finishes....) and read my book while waiting.

Just to be really reckless and show I know how to live, I ordered their ice cream dessert and a pot of fresh coffee to be taken up to my room, and retired to sit in bed and watch Ashes to Ashes. The ice cream was good.....

Time to read my book, On Chesil Beach, alone in my big double bed (no change there then) and then lay down and sleep and dream of tomorrow, when my prince was coming to rescue me....

View from the 23rd floor....

After a successful day's training, and dinner in the hotel, I was feeling really, really tired: weeks of not sleeping well was seriously catching up with me, and now all I wanted to do was sleep, it was only 10pm, but when colleagues headed for the bar, I decided that, feeling very full and not wanting a drink, I had best go to bed, especially as I had struggled not to nod off during the afternoon session.....

I went into the bar to say goodnight, feeling like a party pooper, but hey, at my age, I need my beauty sleep..I paused to say goodnight to one colleague I know quite well, and she too was deciding to opt for an early night. As we turned towards the lift, two of our group appeared, M and J, saying they were off to get a taxi to the H*lton, to visit the bar on the 23rd floor, where the view of the city was absolutely stunning. Come on they said, join us...no-one else wanted to go. S and I looked at each other...M was retiring very soon after 30 years with the organisation, this was a chance to say goodbye to her. Oh, you only live once, so I said yes, and next thing I am in a taxi speeding across the city to the tallest building and a posh cocktail bar.

Once in the hotel lobby, red carpet took us to the special lift that went directly to the 23rd floor. 'Evening ladies,' said the security guard, 'have you booked?' No, we hadn't. 'Never mind, go on up and enjoy yourselves.' We obviously didn't look like trouble.

We stepped out of the lift to be greeted by a smiling hostess, and taken across the bar to be seated by a floor to ceiling window and the best view of Manchester by night ever. I ordered a melon non alcoholic cocktail it was only £6 for a bit of lemon flavoured water with ice, but jolly nice.

As I walked across the bar, my eyes got used to the dim lighting, and I saw groups of extremely attractive, extremely well turned out young men. And groups of young women, scantily dressed, and making several trips to the ladies to show off their bling and try and pull.... well, as several pairs of eyes watched our progress across the floor to our table, I never felt so old, and overdressed in my long skirt and marks and spencer's cardie......'Do you think we'll pull? asked the youngest in our group of four. 'You might,' I said, 'But I don't stand a chance in hell.....' I probably reminded them of their grandma!!!

But we had a giggle, a cocktail each and a girly chat, we took photos, and as we left and called a taxi back to our hotel, I was stupidly pleased I had gone, and not vanished to my bedroom ten seconds earlier, and missed a real laugh.....the photos are not the best quality ......

Off oop north chuck....

After two hectic days at work, I came home, packed a bag and headed off to catch the train to sunny Manchester, (no sarcasm intended) for a two day training course, staying in what turned out to be a very comfortable hotel in the town centre. I had an executive room. Two double beds. All to myself. Oh well, you can't have everything.....

I arrived too late to eat (train delay..problems with the brakes at Tamworth..the train suddenly plunged into darkness, the air conditioning fell silent and we were all silent in the carriage, lit eerily only by various laptop screens on most tables..I was reading a book at the time, and gave up...there was a resigned calm amongst the passengers. Those with battery powered laptops carried on working. After a few minutes the train sprung into life, lights on, air con on, the train at last started to move. One wag looked up from his laptop and said to nobody in particular, 'Well they turned the train off and on again, that seems to have fixed it.' There were a few laughs before the carriage once again fell silent, and I smiled at the understated Britishness of it, and the shared humour, as I once again picked up my book.) so I ordered a pot of fresh coffee to be delivered to my room, as I settled down for the night.

About an hour after going to sleep, I was awoken by someone bumping into the bed. The bed had jolted, but I realised no-one else was in the room, so what...the bed jolted again, and I looked at the headboard fastened to the wall behind me. No doubt on the other side there was another headboard, and another bed....and oh no, did the vibrating of my bed indicated that the occupants next door were in the throes of passion? Oh no, please...(I have witnessed that sort of thing through hotel walls before...) I really didn't need it. Well, I did, but didn't want to hear anyone else doing it, thank you. I buried my head under my duvet, said 'Laa laa laa' a lot loudly, and went back to sleep.

In the morning when I went down for breakfast, I overheard people talking about an earthquake. Oh dear, I thought...Bangladesh? Sri Lanka? Where? I toddled down to the conference room to meet the other delegates, one of whom had travelled down from York, and she was describing her windows rattling. Why, what happened? I asked. Haven't you heard, she said, England was struck by an earthquake last night. Oh no, I said, I hadn't heard. yes, about 1am. Lots of people felt it. Did you? No, I said, nothing. Oh....and then it dawned on me....the earth really had moved for me!!!!!

The Gig was Good...

The gig that I worked so hard to make happen..it was only going to happen on the night if DC and I did the sound and lighting. So it was that I was up and out at 8am on Saturday morning, to give DC a lift to hire the van needed for all the gear..so that he could go to his church PCC away day, for the morning at least, before we met at 12.30pm to pack the van..God forbid he should have an empty minute in his day....

He had used the gig as an excuse/good reason to buy some new kit, so before packing the van I was introduced to the new lighting desk, cables, controls and lighting stands. I was given a quick lesson in how it all went together and how the board worked..yes, stand back in amazement, he had read the manual!!!!

Then all our sound and lighting equipment was loaded into the van, and we were off to Ch*lmsf*rd, at 3pm, later than we wanted to be, but why change the habit of a lifetime. I had made us a flask of coffee, and bought a van picnic, which was all consumed by the time we got to the church.

Fortunately my pleas for assistance had been heeded, and a small group of volunteers was waiting to help us unload and do the get-in. I got a keen 15 year old girl as my assistant, and she helped me put the lights up, plug in all the cables, extensions, beta packs, lighting desk, and lo and behold, an hour later, we had lights that worked. I hopped up and down the step ladder putting in coloured gels and focusing, while DC and his team got the sound system working, and what a miracle, we were ready and waiting for the artists to sound check at 5.30pm. Another helper was dispatched to buy pizza for them. so everyone was happy.

We also managed to turn the downstairs area lobby of the church into a cool, intimate venue: instead of having 30 people sat in church made for 200, feeling dry, we put cafe tables out, flowers, and the candles I had bought, we were able to serve wine too, so it was a lvoely night with good music from Boo and Andy, we enjoyed it, and I even went on stage to introduce the acts and plug the festival!!!

Our team of volunteers helped with the get-out, which meant we were on our way home again in the van by 11.15pm..tired but happy..doing one of the jobs we love best..crewing a gig together, being a good team. Just before hitting home, we pulled into a layby for a while...yes, the temptation got the better of us...I'll admit it..DC tucked into a Gingsters pasty (yuck) and a bottle of water, while I made do with a plain chocolate Bounty (yum) as I had eaten the slices of pizza left by the artists!!!

So, courtesy of my i-phone (sorry) here are some pics of the gig.....

The truth and nothing but the truth.....

The comments on my last blog entry ask what the reaction was to my 'shocking' statement, and if it was true. Cos if it wasn't true, I shouldn't have said it. Ok, the truth.....it is true, I did say it. But not loudly enough for the whole group to hear, only a colleague I know quite well (she does the same job as me in the next district), she is as mad as a hatter, brings out the worst in me and does me good cos she enables me to be outrageous and have a laugh....I wouldn't have made that comment to many people, but it was worth it to get a reaction..she wasn't shocked (nil points) but she did laugh and almost choke (dix points)

Cos you see, what is more important to me than the truth is making someone laugh. My role on this planet, making people laugh. Later on, over coffee and a pain au chocolat in the new St Pancras station, and we started talking about men, and relationships (as you do) and the lvoely K texted me about my forthcoming trip to Manchester, and how the lvoely S was going to take me shopping on his day off, I told my colleague I would be spending the day shopping with a vicar, she said, 'I went to a wedding once and ended up sleeping with the vicar,' (you can see why I like her).

During the conversation, and we got on to the subject of how difficult men were, and how women were so much easier, I managed to get to the line 'Well, come on, we've all thought about it..' (Only Liz and Caroline will get this...) well, her mouth fell open and for a minute she looked at me, speechless. Bingo!!!! Yes, I shocked her..oh how we laughed.....

After we went our separate ways to get our trains home, I was walking to my platform to St Alb*ns, and I passed the Euro star sign saying This Way for Eurostar to Paris and Brussels.... I paused. I looked. Boy, was I tempted. Just up the escalator and on to the train......and gone. Is this how people disappear...a moment of madness....then freedom.

I was going for it. Then it dawned on me..I didn't have my passport. Oh well, I'll just go home for my tea.

New Year resolution... a bit late....

I am determined to be stronger. I am determined to cry less and laugh more. I am determined to be me...really me.... a strange thing happened on Tuesday, I had spent a lot of time before and after Christmas booking artists for a gig in Ch*lmsf*rd in February, it was all sorted, but I was not responsible for the publicity, so I backed off. Then on Monday night at the meeting I was told we had not sold enough tickets and to cancel it. I was very disappointed to say the least.

So, Tuesday morning I rang the artists and left messages saying it was cancelled. Then I started to get e-mails and phone calls expressing doubt on the decision. I tried to deal with all this as well as work, and at the end of the day asked a certain co-director to take some of the work load as I had an emergency CP issue to deal with..unknown to me he wandered off to have a cup of tea when I thought we were in the middle of a laptop messaging conversation so didn't read my request..I ended up stressed and emotional and feeling unsupported, he was going to a church meeting so I went home late and then made several phone calls to deal with this.

The point is I was tired, depressed, defeated, fed up, it's four days until the concert I had worked so hard to organise, one minute it was cancelled, then was it? And there were all these calls and discussions which, quite frankly, I didn't need. Then something amazing happened. I suddenly wanted this concert to happen. I was going to make it happen. I sat down and fired off an e-mail to the committee, making a decision it would go ahead, organising certain things, telling people what to do in the four days we have, then having e-mailed it, realise it wasn't my decision to make. We (DC and I) work for them, they are our clients. I shouldn't fire off raging e-mails telling them what to do.

But I was suddenly fired up, full of energy, determined, focused. Instead of crying or sending whingeing texts I texted DC, 'The concert is happening, i will make it happen, I won't let go of this, I will show them!' Dc replied saying 'That's more like it!'

The response I got was positive, people reacted to my e-mail, people are jumping to it, things are happening, the gig is on. And I so relished the feeling of energy and purpose, a feeling I have lost of late, I have determined to hang on to it. I am strong, I don't need anyone else to affirm me, I am quite capable. I know my strengths and qualities. I will Be Myself. Perhaps God is with me after all....

However, when I was in London today, on T*nd*ring and Procur*m*nt training, and we were in groups discussing what out USPs were and how we could offer what funders really want, what are we good at, I probably shouldn't have said I give an amazing bl*w j*b, but the words were out of my mouth before you could say.....swallow.....

Good things...and bad things....

First the bad... not having an especially good time at the moment..can't tell you the number of times I have completely 'lost it' recently..it really is not good for my health... I can't really blog about what is going on, but life is tough, and I really, really, would appreciate prayers and thoughts and hugs as I continue to struggle with a lot of painful issues.... I have some good friends here who are great listeners and supporters, and I am very lucky. Blessed. Unfortunately, my brain has got into a cycle of focusing on the negative, and doing too much thinking and analysing, and the crying... the endless sobbing..ridiculous... I really know the meaning of the phrase 'my brain hurts', especially when it won't let me sleep and I am awake hour after hour... some nights I simply put the light on and read.....

Anyway, it partly explains the lack of blogging still.... I have had no head space to communicate with....

But there are good things too.... before Christmas we interviewed for a new member of staff but didn't apppoint... well we interviewed again in January, and this time we were successful! So I have another part-time staff member starting in March, she seems very nice and I'm sure she will fit in to our small team - now numbering four - and help with the workload. We are now supporting more families than ever, about 45, which means 45 volunteers to manage, more in training, more referrals than ever, Child Protection issues to deal with, not to mention completely reorganising the office to fit in another desk! More staff to manage (I know only one, but there are only so many hours ina day!) more funding bids to write, more meetings to attend...on good days when I am on form I love my job, thank God for it, thank God for keeping busy.....

I am saying Thank God, but I still feel very separate from Him, and very alone, I really don't know how to re-engage. I wanted to go to church on Sunday, but wasn't sure how to after all this time! I will go this week though...that's the plan...

Went to the cinema with a friend, V, on Saturday (she was my bereavement counsellor, turns out after listening to me talk and cry for a year, she quite likes me....) and we saw The Bucket List with Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman... I thought it was excellent..made us laugh..but was moving too..worth it just to see the two actors working together..a gem...and makes you think..life's too short, and all that....

Well, I have blogged. I have connected. Time to try and sleep!

Sunshine doggie walks......

You would never think it was February..it was a warm afternoon, real warm sunshine, buds beginning to appear, birdies chirping....Sophie and I had a lvoely time.....

Arts and Literature..catch up....

What have I been doing, if not blogging? To be honest, I have tried to wean myself of this slight addiction..perhaps too successfully...instead I have been:

1. Reading: It started with Rosemarie giving me PS I Love You for Christmas: it was the perfect Christmas holiday read, and being the sad romantic that I am, I lvoed it. So I looked forward to a girly evening at the pictures with Rosemarie and Laura, we all wanted to see it. And what a naff, American apology for a film it was. Awful. Read the book by all means, if you like easy read, weepy, romantic literature, but so yourself a favour, forget the film. I have tried.....

What did I read next? Several things...nothing special or stretching for the intellect, but they do for me. Just finished 'Leaving Liverpool' by Maureen Lee. One of those war time Liverpudlian novels of love and determination overcoming poverty and hardship..oh, you know.....takes me back to me roots..... except me weren't poor, we had a garden and an inside toilet....

2. Crosswords and Soduko.

3. Gigs. Well, the Annual fairport Convention gig at the Alban Arena..... excellent. Simon Nicholls sang 'Who knows where the time goes,' one of the most beautiful songs ever written, by Sandy Denny, when she was just 20 years old - amazing lyrics - I sat, entranced, lost in the beautiful words and melody, and after turned to Clive, who had offered to come with me, as a gesture, I think, my eyes shining, 'Isn't that the most beautiful song?' There he was, arms folded, face closed, saying, 'It's ok, not one of my favourites.' he shrugged. Oh well.....

4. Watching TV. Larks Rise to Candleford. Wonderful Sunday evening sofa TV!!!

For further adventures of Sally....well, coming soon..I have been quite busy actually..thank you to those who have passed this way and left a hug and a hello!!!!

Struggling....

No other word for it..I am struggling with the new regime. C has been semi-retired and working from home now since October/November. This is a change after 30 years of working long days, plus Saturday mornings..so altho I work full time I also had time to myself. There was a pattern. I also did most of the shopping, cooking, cleaning (tho not much of that!) etc etc. Suddenly C has taken over it all, and while it sounds lvoely that I don't have to shop or cook or even think about it, the role I have always had has gone.

To be honest I feel like a lodger in my own home. I have only cooked two or three meals in my new kitchen over the last three months...I don't know what is in the cupboards or fridge cos I am not buying it, and C even decided what went where in the new food cupboards and I came home one day to find every shelf labelled with yellow dymo tape and neatly printed..'sauces' 'tins' 'vegetables'...'cereals'...which was scary..who labels their shelves???

Now you would think if I am feeling like this and so unhappy, that we would have sat down and talked about it, but no, not us....it all came to a head the other weekend with the bathroom incident..C cleaned and tidied the bathroom, and there is always a hint that it has been cleaned properly for the first time in its life, which isn't true, and I take it personally, especially as all my little bottles of shampoo, conditioner, bath oil, etc etc had been removed and put in a box on my bed, so the bathroom could be tidy for once....

Instead of being appreciative of the hard work, of course I sulked and was cross, and indicated that he could put all my belongings in boxes and I would just move out....when I got back from my volunteers' dinner that night I went into the bathroom to find it trashed....stuff everywhere, all my stuff back and more, all over the floor...it was a sign that he was Very Upset and Very Angry. I hate all that, am scared of people's anger, and next morning go down and apologise but end up in tears trying to explain how I feel....

I tidy the bathroom and put my little bottles back where I like them. Not a word has been said since, but when I opened a kitchen cupboard a few days later, I realised the shelf labels had gone. I never mentioned them, but perhaps saying I felt he had taken over and I felt like a visitor in my own home had done the trick....