Mood swings update....

The fact that I am writing this entry at three in the morning should give you some sort of clue..back to the not sleeping. The fact that this got worse during my week's holiday in Crete goes against everyone's advice; 'Relax, enjoy, sleep well..' etc.

Yes I has been busy before I went. The summer of festivals was over, I had loads to catch up on in the office, reports to write, meetings to attend, an AGM to prepare for, a two day residential conference to attend, late nights, then a mad dash home on the Friday to unpack one bag, pack another and jump in a taxi/onto a train to head to Gatwick for our flight.

So yes, in theory I needed to relax and unwind. But theory is one thing. Sometimes keeping busy is the best medicine. Having nothing to do, no place to go, time to stop and relax means time to think. And more time to think. Lots and lots of 'stuff' coming up in one's head. And no space ( in a small one room apartment serving as lounge/kitchen/bedroom) to be alone. No-one 'appropriate' to talk to. So I read four books in five days. Kept reading to keep the mind occupied. Tried to sleep. Texted people back home more than was healthy. Couldn't sleep with all that was going round in my head.

And so it has continued on my return home. Routine: bed at 11pm. Sleep. Then wake at 1am, 3am, 5am and then give up. Or tonight: bed at 10.30pm (exhausted after little sleep the previous night) sleep, then wake at 12.30am, 2.30am...3am get up and make tea, bring laptop to bed, decide to write instead of tossing and turning.

I was doing quite well, considering. Feeling strong. Decided to cut down on the anti depressants I started again in January. Went from one a day to one every other day. Was still doing quite well. Then I didn't take enough on holiday and had one tablet every three days. Considering that I was away from my usual support network (friends!) and still very sad from losing Sophie dog, maybe that didn't help. I was so bad by the time I got back from holiday I went back to one a day for three days, now I am cutting back again to one every other day. Yes I am suffering mood swings again, yes I am very very tearful, but I am also getting too hot - so is it hormonal, menopausal, and so it will just pass?

It's a long time since I wrote so personally in my blog: I felt it had got too personal, and too damn depressing! But tonight I wanted to talk. The past 5 months have been tough. Bloody tough. And to be very honest to, I am having counselling again at the moment, to try to help me sort myself out. I had to wait, from getting back from holiday last Saturday, until today, or rather yesterday, Thursday before I could go and let out all the pain in a safe space. I bloody hate paying good money to someone to watch me crying.

Some changes are happening. I am resigning from the business, the forms are in the post. I am asking my business partner to change the business name,as I don't want him to carry on with 'our' name. This going to cause him inconvenience but it is better than winding up the business completely. I have been very grown up, I met with our accountant who is lvoely, for him to explain all the hard, grown up business/financial implications for me. Instead of partners, we will both become sole traders, independent. Painful, but necessary.

Forgive the rambling. Hey, I get my licence back at midnight on Saturday! I am having a celebration/thank you party on Saturday evening to say thank you to all the people who have been driving me about for the past six months. I am making myself do it, and am pleased I am. People been good to me over the past six months, in so many ways. I need to say thank you. Then I can drive again (yes, I know, slow down and stay off the whisky)... independence beckons...

If you have been, thank you for listening.