Millie continued...

Puppies are hard work. As bad as having a small baby! Eating, sleeping, chewing, pooing, weeing, biting...constant attention and training... we got her on Thursday evening, then on Sunday C went away on business for a few days, leaving me in charge, doing the day and night duties. I was exhausted! I went to work for three hours in the middle of the day, but apart from that was on duty.. very, very tiring.

However, there was fun too, playing, and visitors coming to see the new arrival, and I took the time to do some training. In two days I had her recognising her name, coming when called, and sitting, her reward being a little biscuit treat. I was very pleased with the progress!

By Wednesday Millie was enjoying another new experience..snow! I was also enjoying the space, having the house to myself, a few days just for Millie and me, I pottered about and relaxed in between cleaning up puppy duty. A good few days....

Sadly, by the end of the week she had come down with kennel cough, which she caught from the kennels, and so we had our first trip to the vet. She is on anti-biotics and is making a good recovery..a bundle of energy with extremely sharp teeth and a liking for my toes...ouch ouch....

Introducing Millie....

A visit to the RSPCA soon after we lost Sophie, to show them pictures of the rescue dog we gave a home to 15 years ago, a very happy 15 years, led the girls there telling me about 2 year old lady dog that had just come in to the rescue home with a litter of 8 puppies. She was a lvoely dog, similar to Sophie, and she would need rehoming once the puppies were gone. We agreed to come in and see her the next week.

So in we went, Laura, Clive and I, to see the mummy dog who was lovely. But Clive picked up one of the little black puppies..and was smitten. I took him outside for a talk. Do we really want a puppy? They are hard work. It will grow big....I was the sensible, rational one, he was soft and wanting a puppy..the biggest role reversal in the world!!!

And so it was, on Thursday evening, that Millie came into our lives. And our kitchen.....

Millie sitting in the office at the RSPCA, quietly waiting to be collected....

Millie asleep in her basket in the kitchen, worn out by the process of coming to her new home....aaaah.....

How to lose 13 years in an hour....

I left work early on Wednesday to have a facial. I had seen the special offer in the hairdressers on Friday, and signed up immediately. A special dermatological facial, 75 minutes, for half price..with face, neck and shoulder massage...and the facial was especially for 'mature' skin..all right, old people....just what I needed...

I arrived to be greeted by Charlotte, the beauty therapist, young, blonde and immaculately made up. I told her I felt my face had suffered recently..stress, lack of sleep, age..I looked saggy and tired and with puffy eyes..she smiled and said I was lovely and she had noticed my lovely dark hair (chocolate, remember..) and that I had very pretty, intense blue eyes. She said I shouldn't he hard on myself..come on, what woman isn't???

Anyway, I undressed and lay under my towels, enjoyed the warm dimly lit room, with candles and soothing music, and Charlotte opened jars of cream, cleansers, toners etc. What did I want most from this facial she asked? Oh, I said, just take 10 years off me, that'll do...

75 minutes later I had relaxed, slept, been cleaned, exfoliated, creamed, massaged and opened my eyes feeling amazing...she said I had good skin, still firm, but yes, it looked stressed and I needed more sleep and to drink more water! (Not hard, I hardly drink any!)

I drove home, had a shower and washed my hair, put make up on my newly cleaned face and set off to a One World Week service to represent my charity (sorry, can't name it, too risky...) I took my seat on the front row, ready to take part, when in came the Deputy Mayor and was seated next to me, a very nice lady who was pleased to have someone to talk to. We chatted easily, and I noted how relaxed and happy I was feeling, as opposed to stressed and very antisocial. She talked to me about her children, and I asked the usual questions. She then asked how old my children were. Well, James has just turned 32, I said, and she actually jumped! What, she said, 32? Yes. I was very young when I had him, I smiled, trotting out my usual line... yes, but not like, 10, she said. Well, no, obviously not... But seriously, she said, I am 42, I thought you were about the same age as me, really. I laughed. Well, I thought, I must let Charlotte know that she has not just taken 10 years off me, but 13!!!!!!!

Then it got better...

Yes, the weekend was better. A combination of me feeling much, much better by Friday, and the fact that I am driving again, and life is back up to speed, if you will excuse the pun! I got used to not going anywhere if I didn't have to, and having to be driven if I did have to....

Saturday morning I got up early and was in town for a 9am luxury manicure, which was relaxing, good for my hands and my nails looked lvoely...all part of the 'look after yourself, cos you're worth it,' campaign! I came out into the sunlight, a lovely bright autumn day and walked right into Gary, an old theatre colleague, who immediately invited me for coffee as we haven't really seen each other for over a year. The cappucino was gorgeous and we chatted and caught up and had a great time.

Then I had to go..to get round to my friend Jacky's for my 11am coffee appointment! Her daughter has just moved into her very own flat, so we headed for coffee round there and a good look round... all very sociable, and I drove home in time for lunch, valuing my independence and really enjoying driving again....

Saturday evening I was driving again..this time it was payback for my business partner for all the driving her has done for me this year, I drove him to a post festival drinks party, organised at last by the committee who employed us to deliver their festival in July....a lifetime ago now!

We went to the most wonderful house in a lvoely village in Essex..don't know if it was an old vicarage, or squire's house, but it was posh! We had drinks and canapes and hugged each other like old friends and reminisced about the festival..I carefully batted aside questions about future plans and what festival we are working on next....

The drinks evening ended relatively early, after lots of talk and laughter and encouraging news about another event planned in two years..which they may want us to be involved in..well, watch this space.

We hadn't eaten, and so found a very nice Chinese/Thai on the way home, and ate and talked about our respective children, and work, before driving home (I drove!), both grateful for a pleasant, civilised evening. Who would have thought!!!

Sunday was lvoely weather too, and I spent the morning running a charity stall at a local farmers' market, selling my Christmas cards and puddings...it was good fun. On going home I discovered James, Laura and Mec round for the afternoon, and we sat about, ate, played on our iphones and laptops, read papers and had a good time. Now that is what Sundays are for....

Words to describe a week in the life of......

Monday... not a good day... forgot my phone... got cross with someone... got upset with someone... too upset to go into an important meeting... tears... shouting... talking... am I being lied to still? What am I supposed to do here? Who am I in all this? A feeling of calm after the storm...

Tuesday... busy training volunteers... a good day.. better than the day last week when I felt crap and depressed and tearful and was training on...depression... !! this week values and attitudes, prejudices, class, culture, interesting stuff coming from the group... then a business planning meeting all evening, hard work, but we got somewhere..who will write up the business plan? Oh, that'll be me then...

Wednesday.. heard I have a new training role in the national organisation... doing 6 days a year induction training.. means a three night residential in... Cheltenham!!! in November... things are looking up... went swimming late on, instead of going in the chilly lane pool as usual, Viv and I went in the casual pool, free of children..it was gloriously warm and relaxing, chilled music was playing, and we swam and relaxed, and watched the men gathering at one end of the pool and going into the steam room together... mmmm...

Thursday, feeling better, sleeping better, getting through work... went to my counselling..didn't cry! Yay!

Friday, spoke at a lunch on how my bereavement counselling helped me, in support of the charity which provided it. Sat with a Solicitor, a Vicar, a Bishop and a Lady. Asked the Bishop if he had ever been to Gre*nb*lt! He hadn't... was on good form..think I spoke well, with humour but honesty.. people were moved... touched... I felt brave... then walked back to the office and thought, I could do with a hug...I had a cup of tea and a biscuit instead... did some work, then had my hair cut. Went home. Dyed it chocolate brown. It might look crap but it tastes yummy....

Feeling ok. Sad, but ok. Life will go on.

A musical weekend..part two

Sunday evening saw me taking my little friend Mandy to my favourite folk club..well, she is a friend's daughter, she is 23 and we get on like a house on fire, and I used to teach her the guitar, I introduced her to folk music. She said she had never been to a folk club so I treated her to an evening with Chris While and Julie Matthews, two of the most talented singer songwriters I have ever heard. They put all of their life experiences into their songs and sing them from the heart..... the chorus of one sing cut me to the quick..
'How can I go on? How can I manage? When loving you leaves me like storm damage?' Come on girls, we can all identify with that....

I had to buy their new album, Together Alone, and I can play it in the car while I am driving..did I mention I was driving again???? I saw the lvoely Caroline there..a pleasure as always, and it's good to share a hug....

A musical weekend....part one

I was shopping in town with Laura when I got the call..was I free to do followspot that night? I hadn't done followspot for about two years, where at one time I was working at the theatre two or three nights a week....I just gradually cut down until I didn't go any more, and they stopped asking me. You must be desperate if you're asking me, was my response! Well, yes.... Oh, ok, I had nothing else to do with my Saturday night, and for £5.90 an hour..how could I refuse? By the way, what's the show? The Motown show. Oh, ok, bring it on....

So I squeezed into my theatre blacks, and went to work. I forgot how hot and tiring it was standing, concentrating and pointing a followspot at various lead singers who move out of range the minute you take your eye off the ball.. or the singer. The music was ok...I remembered all the songs the first time round in the 1960s and 70s. One side of my face burnt from the heat of the lamp, the other side was pressed against the wall air conditioning unit which was pouring out freezing cold air, and occasionally, when I had the followspot at a certain angle, my head was trapped between the two. The show was due to come down at 10pm, but they managed to drag it out until twenty to eleven. Too much talking.

The rest of the crew were moaning about the get-out, the amount of equipment there was to pack up, lift off the stage (no lift or ramp) and load into the truck..they would be there until way gone midnight. I used to do all that. Now I thought, bugger it, too tired, I was only asked to do follow spot so I gave my apologies, too old, too tired, too feeble, signed my timesheet, and drove home. Did I mention I was driving again? Oh the independence of it.....

Holiday snaps....

A few shots from the holiday in Crete...or should I say on Crete?
The beach......

Our adopted cat waiting for her morning milk...
Our adopted cat keeping my sun lounger warm for me....


the sun breaking through the clouds, making the small village below look biblically chosen...

And I must share this too...

While I am in the sharing mood, (see below first for an entry written before this one!) remember that festival we did in the summer? The one we worked so hard for, over 18 months, then delivered over two weeks in June? Our first big paid gig? The one I said was a professional success but personal disaster? Our business relationship was not working, D was too busy up north with other work, our business was being neglected: I'm not going into detail but I was sick of the stress of things not done, invoices unpaid, e-mails not answered, being told things were done when they weren't, people contacting me all the time to sort the sh*t out, so I decided at the very time we spent two weeks together delivering the festival that I could take no more. This would be our first and last gig.

It was successful, and the organisers we worked for were very pleased, said thank you a lot etc. Last week one of the committee wrote us an official letter giving us 'official' feedback that we could use as a reference to get other business, hey, we can put it on our website that is still being built....

Here I am in the painful process of winding up the partnership, and I read this letter:

Dear S and D,
Following our review of the festival I write on behalf of the festival Venue group and the whole management committee to thank you most sincerely for your work in helping make r*****h festival such a success.
Your experience, knowledge and professional advice and guidance through the planning stage were invaluable and the training of volunteers, licence application, site planning, obtaining quotations and placing orders for the site set up etc were all excellent.
The site management throughout the whole festival, including setting up and removal, was really good, your management style and lively personalities created a great atmosphere – ‘under control but enthusiastic and enjoyable for all who worked with you’ – well done.
Thank you for everything – we could not have done it without you and will certainly come back to you again.

Did this make me cry? Of course. Isn't life a bugger?

Mood swings update....

The fact that I am writing this entry at three in the morning should give you some sort of clue..back to the not sleeping. The fact that this got worse during my week's holiday in Crete goes against everyone's advice; 'Relax, enjoy, sleep well..' etc.

Yes I has been busy before I went. The summer of festivals was over, I had loads to catch up on in the office, reports to write, meetings to attend, an AGM to prepare for, a two day residential conference to attend, late nights, then a mad dash home on the Friday to unpack one bag, pack another and jump in a taxi/onto a train to head to Gatwick for our flight.

So yes, in theory I needed to relax and unwind. But theory is one thing. Sometimes keeping busy is the best medicine. Having nothing to do, no place to go, time to stop and relax means time to think. And more time to think. Lots and lots of 'stuff' coming up in one's head. And no space ( in a small one room apartment serving as lounge/kitchen/bedroom) to be alone. No-one 'appropriate' to talk to. So I read four books in five days. Kept reading to keep the mind occupied. Tried to sleep. Texted people back home more than was healthy. Couldn't sleep with all that was going round in my head.

And so it has continued on my return home. Routine: bed at 11pm. Sleep. Then wake at 1am, 3am, 5am and then give up. Or tonight: bed at 10.30pm (exhausted after little sleep the previous night) sleep, then wake at 12.30am, 2.30am...3am get up and make tea, bring laptop to bed, decide to write instead of tossing and turning.

I was doing quite well, considering. Feeling strong. Decided to cut down on the anti depressants I started again in January. Went from one a day to one every other day. Was still doing quite well. Then I didn't take enough on holiday and had one tablet every three days. Considering that I was away from my usual support network (friends!) and still very sad from losing Sophie dog, maybe that didn't help. I was so bad by the time I got back from holiday I went back to one a day for three days, now I am cutting back again to one every other day. Yes I am suffering mood swings again, yes I am very very tearful, but I am also getting too hot - so is it hormonal, menopausal, and so it will just pass?

It's a long time since I wrote so personally in my blog: I felt it had got too personal, and too damn depressing! But tonight I wanted to talk. The past 5 months have been tough. Bloody tough. And to be very honest to, I am having counselling again at the moment, to try to help me sort myself out. I had to wait, from getting back from holiday last Saturday, until today, or rather yesterday, Thursday before I could go and let out all the pain in a safe space. I bloody hate paying good money to someone to watch me crying.

Some changes are happening. I am resigning from the business, the forms are in the post. I am asking my business partner to change the business name,as I don't want him to carry on with 'our' name. This going to cause him inconvenience but it is better than winding up the business completely. I have been very grown up, I met with our accountant who is lvoely, for him to explain all the hard, grown up business/financial implications for me. Instead of partners, we will both become sole traders, independent. Painful, but necessary.

Forgive the rambling. Hey, I get my licence back at midnight on Saturday! I am having a celebration/thank you party on Saturday evening to say thank you to all the people who have been driving me about for the past six months. I am making myself do it, and am pleased I am. People been good to me over the past six months, in so many ways. I need to say thank you. Then I can drive again (yes, I know, slow down and stay off the whisky)... independence beckons...

If you have been, thank you for listening.