Hello...I'm back!

I am determined to do this...the longer I am away the harder it is to come back! It started by being busy...there was so much I wanted to blog about my trip to Manchester, then I didn't have time, so then all this stuff builds up in my head, and then I feel under pressure (self inflicted I know!) and I got busier, and not very well, and very tired, so each night, when it was my normal blog time, I couldn't be *rs*d!!!! As time went on, so much was going on for me, I just didn't know where to start, so this morning I determined just to log on and start writing!

Thank you to those that have missed me and occasionally texted or e-mailed to ask if I was ok. The answer is simply...I am both ok and not ok! The not ok stuff I just can't blog about, because it's too personal and anyway of I do I will just cry, and I have done enough of that...

I have been trying to take care of myself, see friends, read books, and in order to help my sleep problems have been trying not to go on the computer late at night...but that was over taken by having my iphoone under my pillow and checking the time on it dozens of time a night...then check e-mails, then read blogs (thank you Caroline for giving me something interesting to read about at 5am!!!)

At very very worst time a month or so ago, when 4am was the most lonely and hellish time on earth and I wasn't sure I could get through the night..(sounds dramatic but that is how I felt) I remembered my cousin was working in Dubai, which is 4 hours ahead..one night in desperation I texted, 'Are you there?' and he reply came back, 'Yes, I'm here for you.' It helped just to have a response even if we texted about the weather or work, it grounded me and kept me sane.

Although my iphone has helped me through the night, I read something on Sunday, an article entitled 'sleeping with the enemy' and it was about this very subject. Phones give off signals and radiation and this can keep you awake at night if you sleep with one! The article said, 'Do you wake up and check the time on your phone? Do you check e-mails at 2am? No wonder you can't sleep!'

The other thing is that I was lying awake waiting for text messages that didn't come, and then I would send abusive text messages, sometimes for hours, venting my anger and hurt and upset on someone that didn't respond! Not healthy!

So for the last two nights I have not texted anyone, turned my phone off and tried to sleep. How I have survived life and work in recent months on two hours sleep a night I don' know...not very well is the answer. But I am taking myself in hand (ooh..) and trying to change things and protect myself from hurt.

I have a few health problems which the doctor thinks are stress related - no!!! - and I have had blood tests and now face an unpleasant procedure to investigate stomach problems (that's the polite way of putting it) I know break polite rules by blogging about sex and death, but what about bowels???? ok, I'll take that as a no then.

Last week I had minor surgery at my doctor's and I so wanted to share it with you..I'll save it for next time..you just need to know that I had a 'traumatised mole' removed from under my right breast. Now I just need to know what pictures that conjures up in your minds....the GP couldn't understand why I doubled up laughing when he said the words......

So good to be back.. Hope you feel the same! xxx