Doing my head in.....

I never understood, really, the phrase, 'he (or she) is doing my head in', or 'he (or she) has really messed with my head', or 'I really need to sort my head out, man.' You get the picture. Because inside your head is private, you choose how you think, and you don't allow people to 'mess it up.' But boy, oh boy, do I understand it now. My head is very messed up. So messed it hurts inside. My thinking is manic, my trying to make sense of things makes me lurch wildly from one emotion to the other, one minute being ok, the next, really not ok.

How do you stop someone messing with your head? I know, I know, don't let them. Walk away. I'm trying.

I decided finally, a couple of weeks ago, to give HRT a go. To sort out the sleeping and the mood swings. The packet of tablets cost me £14.20: twice the prescription charge, because apparently there are two sorts of tablets in the box, two different colours, so you have to pay twice. I took out the thick booklet of possible side effects. Heart attack, high blood pressure, risk of stroke, breast cancer.....worth the risk to look and feel younger. But hang on...they may make me put on weight....add to certain problems I have which make me fatter....oh bugger that, I'm not putting on more weight. I wonder if I could sell them on e-bay?

So when I was in Boots on Saturday picking up my anti-depressants (not that I'm messed up or anything...) I mentioned to the nice young pharmacist (girlie, not a bloke) that I decided against HRT. She asked if I would consider taking a homeopathic remedy. Oh yes, I said. She asked my symptoms. For the not sleeping she found one kind of small white tablet. The she got out a homeopathic book and turned to the menopause page. There was a list of different symptoms. I read down to the one that described getting too hot, mood swings...being sensitive, vulnerable, needing constant reassurance and approval, tearful..ooh that's me, I said, I'll have the cure for that. So i got another phial of small white tablets and I've been taking them since Saturday.

Am I sleeping? No. Have I cried? Friday, yes. Saturday, quite happy and bouncy. Sunday ok. Monday, feeling a bit low. Tuesday, well, more tears. Anger. Wednesday, swearing. Wednesday evening, well, absolutely fine. Let's see what Thursday brings, shall we? I wonder if I could sell the little white tablets on e-bay?

Or as someone said to me today when I described my week of being happy one minute and wanting to top myself the next, as she was laughing, because of course, it's the way I tell it, she said I should write a book.... at least I could make some money out of having a messed up head.....

Oh well, I'll keep taking the anti-depressants. And just between you and me, at the end of the summer, after the festival season, I am making plans. I see travel ahead, a journey into the unknown. Alone. Watch this space. And I'll sell the anti-depressants on e-bay.....