Tagged for five things...

Tagged by the ever wonderful Liz, I suppose I must stop being lazy and list five things you do not know about me. Difficult, I am such an open person, but here goes......

1. I am quite partial to chocolate.
2. I am rather an emotional person.
3. I listen to Radio 2.
4. I aim to lose three stone in 2007.
5. I have booked an introduction to the gym with a personal programme plan thrown in on Thursday evening.
6. I can't count very well.
7. I get carried away with enthusiasm once I start something.
8. My daughter is getting married in May. I am the first 'Mother of the Bride' amongst my peers.
9. I love listening to music, especially folk influenced.
10. I have been waiting for a 'friend' who said he was calling round just after 1pm. It is gone 4pm now. I am bored. Irritated.
11. Anything else, I don't know about me either....

Almost had a night's sleep.....

Had a successful visit to the G*alleria with Laa, Mec and Clive, and we were able to advise out menfolk on the purchase of suits - Clive has a rather smart Pieere Caardin dark grey wedding suit - tried on and bought in about 15 minutes - oh that buying my outfit would be so easy!!!

Mec bought a nice suit, but isn't sure if he'll get married in it - I suspect a decision on that will be a long time coming...

Had friends round to lunch, Jacky, Peter and the girls, who always lvoe to come round for cold turkey, salad and my special bubble and squeak. I was rewarded by them playing a game with me, we played Taboo, but they noted that after complaining that no-one else would play with me, I feel asleep between turns...

Given that Friday was the last of the visitors to be catered for and entertained (I do my best when I am awake...) I was able to put my feet up last night and watch Mrs Henderson Presents, before going to bed, feeling very relaxed and sure I would sleep well....

I was awoken from a very deep sleep about 3.30am with Clive standing in the doorway saying, 'The dog's being sick, can't you hear?' I dragged myself awake, feeling guilty and responsible, and worried there was something seriously wrong as she had kindly puked on my bedroom carpet earlier that day. I heard Clive going downstairs with wretching (and wretched) dog, so I got up and went down too. I stood and shivered in the kitchen while the dog vanished up the garden, and after a while I went back up for my dressing gown. Clive had vanished. 'Where are you?' I said, wanting moral support in case I had to ring the vet. 'I'm back in bed,' came a voice from the front bedroom. 'No point in us both being up.'

The dog came in, wagging her tail and looking for a biscuit, and looking too well for an emergency call to the vet...(or Merlin, perhaps, he is generally on duty still about 3,30am...) So I went back to bed, wondering about the logic of waking me from a deep sleep when 'there is no point in both of us being up.' Of course I slept very badly from then on.

And they say women are not logical. Hmmph.

Sooooooooooooo frustrating....

Couldn't even comment on my own blog tonight! I answered some of the points raised by Merlin and Shaun, then had to sign in, but couldn't post my comment as the word verification thingy wasn't working. So I had to give up. Some blogs don't have the word thingy, can I get rid of it? Now I have come to write a new post, blogger has asked me to sign in again..please someone, explain?? Caroline has the same problems. And on the new Internet tool bar, where has the refresh button gone? Shaun - help!!

Change of subject to calm me before going to sleep..have two new CDs..first, Rufus Wainright..mmm.. not sure, jury is still out...and Nick Drake..think I like him better, although a bit depressing, which is rather stating the obvious ..he is ahead on points...

Went to the theatre in London last night, saw Much Ado About Nothing at the RSC (ok so I slept through some of it, you would guess that!) was a good production, had Tamsin Greig (Green Wing, Love Soup) and Patrick Robinson (Ash in Casualty..a fact which evaded me and bugged me until the end..I knew I recognised him!).

At least it got me out of the house!!!

Worry not...

After ver little sleep, i think the call it fitful, I am awake again and adding blogs on to m site,..the onl worring thing is that m y button seems to have an attack of the m and m's, if you get my drift..oh it is working, but it is stiff and there is a crunching sound as I depress it..anyway, on with the job of adding all my blog links!!!!!

I wish...

..that I had been able to sleep. So tired. Haven't been sleeping well. I moved to the spare room last night to see if it would help. Tonight (at some point) C has moved to the spare room to see if it would help. I woke around 3.30am and just couldn't get back to sleep. So I put my lamp on and laptop on and have been cruising blogs. Interesting.

But..the new blogger asks me to sign in ever f**ing 5 minutes, even to comment on other blogs, and ticking the 'remember me' box doesn't help. I am getting bored with signing in. And talking of getting bored, whilst searching the dash board and looking at updating m side bar to include books wot I am reading, or music wot I am listening to..I sort of clicked on a 'update my blog' thingy, and now, while I don't have the things I wanted, I also don't have the links to all your wonderful blogs that I really, really, wanted to keep.

This tells me, a. not to mess with things I don't understand, and b. to stay asleep at, oh it's now 4.46am, I have been at this for over a hour now..and c. can anyone out there help????

Added to which, James has been working on my laptop, he has altered my screen resolution, the look of my desk top, he has upgraded my Internet Explorer and now my tool bar is different and, for instance, I can't find the button I used to click to increase the text size on people's blogs when I can't read them.

I am not a happy bunny now. I will be tired tomorrow and I want my old template back. Sob. Sulk. I think I will try and sleep.

Found!!!!!!

Remember my post of a few days ago? How I had lost my engagement ring?

Well, praise the Lord, it has been found! I said I wouldn't get upset, because I knew, just knew, deep down, that it would turn up when I least expected it...

I kept fighting back tears when anyone asked about it..no, I have not yet found my ring, and it's been a month now.

But when I was sitting in the lounge with James and Amy yesterday afternoon, cosily by the fire, and I was sorting through a pile of paperwork looking for something in particular (which I found by the way) and James decided to go through the piles of papers and magazines on the magazine shelf underneath the coffee table, and throw lots out, although I told him I had done that recently, he still found loads to bin..he suddenly leant down and looked right under the table, picked something up off the carpet and said 'What's this doing here?' and he was holding up...my ring!!!

I was speechless. He was confused at my reaction, my joy, as he was the one person who didn't know I had lost it! I was confused as I had last seen my ring in the kitchen, and the coffee table has been moved, only slightly, I grant you, over Christmas, nearer the sofa or nearer the fire...and I have hoovered on a daily basis recently..so how did it get there? How long has it been there? How amazing James should look underneath and find it...all those things I looked up to heaven (wherever it is) and thanked God for it, before kissing my ring, (stop it...) and kissing James.

Just thought I'd share this with you!

So, that was Christmas....

Done it. Survived it. Don't know why I feel like that. It has been better than recent years, and I even made church on Christmas morning. But earlier, when I hopped out of bed and went downstairs to make a cup of tea and take it back up to Clive, I found myself standing by the kettle and crying..wasn't sure why..I suppose second Christmas as an orphan is easier but the sadness is still there...anyway, apart form that and a few tears in the service I did well...

I do find feeling responsible for everyone else having a good time takes its toll..I know I shouldn't feel it, but for so many years I have been the life and soul of the party..I buy all the presents and hope everyone lvoes them...I cook the dinner and hope it is good...I try and entertain, set the mood, make tea, offer cake, and feel it is all my fault if people don't have a good time. It's a woman thing!!!

Christmas Day was low key, after a post church visit to Laa and Mec..back home it was just me, Clive, James and the m-in-law..and altho I tried hard, maybe too hard, James and I seemed to clash, and I realised how close to being tearful I was, and how easily he could upset me. To say James takes after my father is an understatement....

I have to acknowledge that, altho I think I hid it well to those around me, I was just feeling depressed. But better than the previous few years, I really, really did want to feel jolly and happy and bouncing with seasonal fun...however, you just can't make it happen if it's not there... thee is a feeling that, at home, I cannot be myself...I wondered, if I was with certain other friends, would I feel differently? Could I relax and be really me? Or would my love of certain music irritate others? My lvoe of singing reindeer and little musical Father Christmases playing jingle bells..would they get thrown across the room at me as well? Would anyone want to play a game, or have me read Winnie the Pooh to them? Or would we all sit in silence, reading or watching TV... would I wonder how to connect with the people across the room?

The Vicar of Dibley made me laugh. Mostly the unsuitable jokes about animals....very funny...I texted a friend and asked if I had anything in common with Geraldine (the scene when she takes down the Bible seeking comfort..oh yes!!).. and the reply was, yes I was funny, and caring and a great actress too. I was thinking more of my love of sex and chocolate..not necessarily in that order...

Christmas Eve...

..Saturday improved in that once I had stopped crying, I knew I had pull myself together and go into town visit the market for the last time before Christmas. Find the true meaning..sprouts.

I am feeling in need of company, and unsure how I will be in the city centre full of busy-ness and crowds. The phone rings and David says he is taking his two girls into town shopping and would I like a lift in? I say yes please, and soon I am chatting to two excited girlies going into town to spend daddy's money on Christmas clothes. We separate so that D and I do the necessary vegetable shopping, pausing for a coffee and croissant at my favourite cafe, and a precious few moments to stop and talk and be still....

I get involved in a few clothes shops, advising on outfits with the girlies, and we have fun, and I even try on something in M*ns**n and buy it for Christmas. I paid for it myself - while the other outfits cost D a great deal of money.

When we get back Clive and m-in-law are there, and I get busy offering my home made vegetable soup, and with the realisation that all shopping is done, and all gifts are wrapped, I am more prepared for Christmas than ever before, and can now relax.

This morning, for the first time in two or three years at Christmas, I went to church and sang the carols, and enjoyed it. I have been waiting for this:

Yet with the woes of sin and strife,
The world hath suffered long;
Beneath the angel-strain have rolled,
Two thousand years of wrong;
And man, at war with man, hears not,
The love song which they bring:
O hush the noise, ye men of strife,
And hear the angels sing.

When we got home from church, an unexpected visitor called in with a last piece of shopping, and I just had to take a picture, as he spread his brand of fun and jollity among us. It took 5 goes to get the flashing nose on, so be impressed.

Yes, he had been shopping (again) dressed like this.

Happy Christmas Eve.

Getting there....

..so Saturday morning I am fast asleep and Clive is in the kitchen before going to work, and I am woken by the door bell. I lie there and wait for C to answer it, but it becomes obvious he hasn't heard it, so I have to grab my dressing gown and go downstairs bleary eyed, it's only a quarter to eight, I suppose the post man has something exciting to deliver.

I open the door to be greeted by an over excited DC, complete with Father Christmas hat, delivering the turkey, and expressing amazement that I wasn't up because he said he would be going out early... yes I say, but I didn't know you would be delivering here this early..I said later...anyway, we go into the kitchen and open the box and show Clive the turkey and gammon ham. They are large enough to feed Africa twice over..if you remember (see earlier blog) I left DC to order the meat for me... Clive tuts and complains to me that the turkey is too big and we'll never eat it, and why did I get such a big one, and at that moment something snaps, I burst into tears, and say nothing I do is ever right, and I head back upstairs crying and embarrassed and wrong footed.

I realise that my struggle to be Christmassy has been under constant seige. The encouragement from Clive over the past few days has included: The music I play is too loud, when I have the heating on the house is too warm, when I light a fire I don't do it properly, when it does get going I have used too much coal/too many logs, there won't be enough to last over Christmas, I bought too much at the supermarket, why did I buy this, that, why didn't I get any lemons, etc etc etc, and the fact that the turkey is now too big was the last straw, so to speak. Added to the fact that I have done all the Christmas shopping, bought all the presents, written all the cards, and got no thanks and only criticism has suddenly seems very unfair and I have had enough.

Clive comes up and sheepishly apologises, and says it's all fine, and why don't I go down and have a cup of tea with David, who is loitering and unsure what to do. I go down and he apologises for the turkey, and we discover his one is smaller (he has a goose too!) and so we swop. He tells me what fun they had at the carol service choir rehearsal last night, and I feel even worse.

The good thing is that I cried buckets after they both left the house, I have now got it out of my system, Clive is being nice to me and appreciating things more, so things can only get better...can't they? Happy Christmas Eve.

The morning after the night before...

Friday morning saw every joint seized up, especially my knees, after the three hours speed walking around St Albans the night before. The only answer was a long hot bath, which did me good, before going into work and banking the takings. I wasn't in the office long before it was time to go to Jacky's for lunch. I went, complete with smile and flashing Christmas earrings, but underneath all is not well..still feeling slightly depressed and struggling with the whole Christmas spirit thing, but I really I am trying, I really want to do this this year!

After a lvoely lunch I make my last visit, to a mum with three under three, including a new baby, who has post natal depression. I was there nearly an hour and a half, and left feeling drained and very sorry for her. Still her husband is off for the whole of Christmas now, and I will find her a volunteer in the New Year, so mustn't worry about her.

DC called by for a cup of tea, I had the fire lit, and the tree lights on, so he could appreciate the ambience, while I listened to how busy he is, who is coming to them for Christmas Day, Boxing Day, how they have choir practice that evening, how he and H are on duty at the Christmas Eve carol service, and again at midnight mass, and they will spend the time in between at the vicarage drinking, and what fun it will all be, and when he leaves I feel a mixture of exhaustion and sadness that I can't somehow raise the same level of energy and enthusiasm. What is wrong with me?

I spent the whole of Friday evening by the fire, listening to Christmas music, wrapping presents and telling myself I am fine, and Christmassy..really I am....

DC's parting comment is that he is going to collect the meat order from the Meat Co. at 7am next day, did I want to join him? I said, no thank you, but he may kindly pick my order up for me, and I'll see him later on...seemed like a good idea to me!

All I want for Christmas....

..is my engagement ring...given to me at the age of 19 - well, we chose it together - so I have had it for 34 years, and it has survived being taken off in various places, on holiday, in tents, hotel rooms, popped in my handbag while swimming, in the bedroom, bathroom, occasionally taken off in the kitchen while cooking....

It has always been found. Never really lost. Always there. I lvoe my engagement ring, always have. Then, about a month ago, when Jacky and Peter came for Sunday lunch, i took my ring off in the kitchen to make crumble. For the apple crumble. I remember pulling my ring off, so it would not get gunked up with pastry mix...I think I put it on the side....then I forgot about it until the next day..and it wasn't there.

Clive had made chicken soup there, and chopped and peeled vegetables, and cleared away..so that Monday evening saw me wearing a pair of marigolds and going through the bin, tea bag by tea bag, carrot peeling by potato peeling by apple peeling...nothing. No sign.

I have refused to get upset on the grounds that it must be here somewhere, and it will turn up. It always has done. One day soon, someone will say, 'Look what I found!' and they will be holding my ring. I refuse to get upset because the ring is very precious to me, and if I have lost it..it doesn't bear thinking about it. My finger looks strangely empty without it, sparkly with sapphires and diamonds...it really is all I want for Christmas. To find it. Any ideas - please?

Santa's little helpers!

Took a team of 16 people out tonight with the Round T*ble Christmas sleigh, complete with Nikki's husband as Santa, lots of pretty lights and loud music on the sleigh. We covered what seemed like hundreds of roads in St Albans, knocking on doors, wishing people Happy Christmas and watching excited children come and wave at Father Christmas.

We collected non stop from 6.30 until 9pm, almost running from door to door to keep up with the sleigh. Actually, there was one wonderful stop: amazingly enough the rest of us had been walking and collecting for almost two hours, when the late arrival appeared, fresh off the motorway from North Yorkshire, better late than never - but before he could don a hat and cape and collect a penny, the wife of a Round T*bler appeared at her gate with hot mulled wine and mince pies. I had both, and marvelled at DC's impeccable timing. Well, sort of.

After we finished the route, we all climbed up on the sleigh and had a lift back to our cars: I was careful to sit with Santa, who had to put an arm round e to stop me falling off the sleigh...we all ended up back at my house to count the money, and relax with more mulled wine and mince pies....Clive had kindly lit the fire and we were able to warm up. We made over £850 for our charity.

Greetings from Santa and his helpers. We wish you a Merry Christmas.

Christmassy things...

...like my lounge in the evening when I get home from work and put all the pretty lights on..then light the log fire..then I don't want to move..but I have things to do...

Met Laura for lunch..or should I say I was on my way when a text alerted me to the fact that she had popped into Fr*nch Conn*ection and discovered their sale had started..like her mum in a chocolate shop, she was hooked and in the changing room with several articles by the time I arrived. Two of them left with us in a bag, and Laa was happy...

Having discovered that Mec was out at his Christmas 'do', I offered Laura dinner in exchange for helping me make mince pies. Although the lounge was warm and cosy, and the kitchen was freezing, we were brave and soon warmed up, and with the help of seasonal Christmas music (of the Slade variety!) we soon had a tray of home made mince pies ready...

We retired to the lounge to chill and gossip, spoilt only by my inability to keep awake. What is wrong with me? At half eleven Laa went home to talk to the cat and wait for Mec's call to fetch him from the station. I felt useless. 'Can you not stay awake with me one hour?' Well, no, obviously not...

Feel a strange mixture of Christmassy and slightly depressed. I know, I know, Christmas is enough to do that to anyone. I unpacked a new laptop yesterday, and the packaging was on my secretary's desk (I was going to clear it up, honest..) She came in, burst into tears, which she has never done in 4 years, and I went to comfort her, to ask if she had an elderly parent crisis, and to send her home. 'No,' she sobbed, 'It's all this crap on my desk,' and some of it flew across the room with her help. Oh..I cleared her desk, made her coffee, and told myself to be a tidier, more considerate boss.

On another more personal note, which should not go un-noticed, while editing a number in my phone, I came across mum and dad's phone number...and after looking at them for a minute,as I sometimes do...I said goodbye... and deleted them, as I have not been able to do before. Just did it. Quietly. And got on with my work. One small step for man..a huge leap for Sally!!! Why is something so small so meaningful??? A few tears last night when I went to share it with someone..but I did it.

Sunday....

Sunday morning started late and we were all sitting round the kitchen table finishing breakfast when Clive came home from church!!

It was another of those sunny, cold days - well not that cold if we are honest - but blue sky and just right for a walk. So we took Sophie dog with us and had a wintery walk round Verulamium park (sited where the old Roman city of Verulam once was..I even showed them the remaining bit of wall...) and our walk ended up at the waffle house, where we partook of lvoely waffles, milk shakes and hot coffee.

We had all of twenty minutes back home when I dragged them all out again (leaving Clive to start cooking dinner - he volunteered, honestly!) to the mayor's annual outdoor carol service, accompanied by a small brass band. We stood by the City's Christmas tree and sang loudly to all our favourite carols..and I rejoiced that here I was singing..for the last couple of years that was not possible...no singing..only fighting back endless tears...so to be able to sing carols again and feel happy to be sharing this with friends, showed me how far I have come this year...

Back home again where I finished cooking roast beef and all the trimmings, as they say, and so the Lowestoft party left well fed and happy..the St Albans party added a log to the fire, collapsed onto the sofa and feel sweetly asleep......

A feeling of deja vu.....

Been there, done that..except that this was a new weekend and different people were arriving..so altho some of the preparations were the same..washing, ironing, making up of beds, the weekend would be different..very different! My wonderful friends D*ggit and M*ria and their two boys were coming to stay - so lots of beds to make up!

Last weekend I was full of energy, on a roll and ready ahead of time. This week, having been a bit stressed and not too well, it felt like harder work..but when they arrived on Friday I had just made it: meal ready, house tidy and even the Christmas tree decorated..I put the hoover round, lit a welcoming log fire and a few candles, stood back and the door bell rang..how's that for timing!!!

After a good evening of eating and catching up, we headed for bed when M*ria noticed me falling asleep in my chair... good thing as I was up before them cooking breakfast! When DC arrived to accompany us to the market for a little shopping (any excuse..) I was still cooking so he was put on to coffee duty, and was rewarded with a cooked breakfast.

The market was good, we shopped and looked and shopped and walked, and talked, had coffee and sat outside..December for goodness sake, and we were sitting outside!! Madness. Clive came in to town and joined us..somehow we were separated and I was with D*ggit and David was with M*ria..Clive found them first..D*ggit wanted to buy some jewellery, so I took advantage of M being in the book shop to guide him to a rather nice jewellery market stall..only to discover M there already! I tried to get her to b*gger off, as subtly as I could, and she stood her ground and told me to b*gger off: then I realised Clive was on the other side of the stall and she was helping him choose something for me!!!

As if a day in St Albans was not enough, late afternoon found us at the local garden centre Christmas shop, which we all lvoe (except Clive, who went home for a cup of tea instead!!) and we bought all sorts of wonderful things. (ie Christmas tat. But lvoeyl Christmas tat.)

D and M cooked the most wonderful thai green curry for dinner and then we collapsed by the fire..the four of us just sank into the sofas, eating chocolate and rinking coffee, until D offered to open a bottle of whiskey. 'Don't mind if I do,' said Clive happily, 'Very kind of you to bring a bottle' ''Oh,'' says D, ''we can't come to stay with Sally and David without bringing whiskey.''

Thankyou D*gitt, that was priceless. Just priceless....

Wonderful, wonderful, music....

I mentioned St Agnes Fountain far too briefly in my previous blog.....what an evening..as the lady sitting next to me said, 'Our Christmas only starts after we have seen St Agnes Fountain.'

The brilliant Christ Leslie from Fairport Convention, Julies Mathews and Chris Wiles, two amazingly talented singer/songwriters, and David Hughes, all come together every December with a sparkling, wonderful, tingling array of Christmas folk music, but not folk: arrangements of Christmas carols, ballads, and readings that just take your breath away.

They can't stop smiling, they share their obvious enjoyment of their music, and spend the entire interval signing CDs and greeting fans like old friends, though obviously they don't remember us!! Well, except of course Chris remembers me doing follow spot for Fairport at the Alban Arena three years ago, when I reminded him, he said, 'Yes, of course, Sally, how are you doing?' What a star....

I now have three of their CDs and it is these that are accompanying my Christmas preparations and lifting my spirits...go find them!!!!

By the way...

..thank you for all the sympathy with the shoe and blister blog last week. After collapsing in to bed at 1.45 am, injured, it may amaze you to know that by 10am I was up dressed and wearing comfy trainers ready for a day's Christmas shopping with DC..we started at the Real Meat Co. queueing to order our Christmas turkeys - the queue was so long that we broke away to the coffee shop next door and breakfasted and rejoined the queue and hour later!!!!! Then my homeopath rang to say I was late for my appointment..oh how time flies..I left DC queuing and grabbed the Audi keys, drove like a lunatic down country lanes, had my consultation and drove back, thinking he would be frozen upon the pavement and impatient and cross (my expectation of keeping a man waiting, who is my role model??!!) to find him happy with a pint in the pub opposite..quietly waiting my return. Bless......

Then it was in to St Albans for some serious Christmas shopping. In my trainers I had no trouble with my feet, and we are so not good for each other in terms of the amount of Christmas rubbish we buy..including singing reindeers...but we lvoe it all...we got back to my house loaded with so much shopping we had to unload it in the lounge and sort it: Clive was open mouthed at the amount and our cheeriness...I made us cups of tea as we had had no time for lunch or a drink..too much shopping to do....

That, together with my lying in bed with a cup of tea internet shopping, oh I lvoe it....means I am nearly done...hooray!!!!!

At last...

..this new blogger takes some getting into just to post on your own blog!!!!

While I am taking the morning off work to be in bed with stress, I may as well do something useful and blog.....

Headache, tears, more tears...nothing serious but a few life events just taking their toll...mostly involving some other people so can't go into detail, except got myself involved in a situation that is very difficult, being blamed and resented for something that is not my fault..been going on for a few months..have had a crappy time trying to be chirpy, wonderful, make it better etc etc, have finally had an apology (and a lvoely basket of Christmas flowers), have spent hours on the phone yesterday suddenly being friend and counsellor...had two difficult client visits through work, double booked myself and messed up..result, a head ache, tears, and the clear message that Sally is very tired and emotional and needs to go home!!!

When dear C gets home to find me in bed and puffy eyed, I try to tell him how I feel in the hope I will get a hug. He shrugs in a man way, says a few unhelpful but obvious things, concluding with, 'well, she has apologised, so what's the problem?' Please, please, is it me, or is it not obvious that apology or not, the hurt has been caused and I have dealt with it up front in a cheery generous way, but not unsurprisingly, the hurt has to come out somewhere? The hug I did not get.

Oh well, no serious damage done...just a hectic weekend with people staying, my cousin and wife, so last week was shopping, cooking, cleaning, working. preparing..we did touristy things in St Albans, went to London and saw Evita, went to Hitchin and saw St Agnes Fountain...f**ing brilliant..I sang...it was festive, jolly, Christmassy, and I could sing...I didn't cry..but by Monday morning when they left I was bl**dy tired.

Doing it all again this weekend!!! Must get up and wash all the bedding....it's a good life if you can stand the pace....

The end of a 'Perfect' day...

We headed for the Barbican Waterside bar to eat: it serves good food reasonably priced. But it shuts at 7.30pm, and Clive would not arrive until then, so we went up to the First Floor Bistro. Mec took my arm and helped me limp up the stairs. The food was very average and overpriced - £12 for burger and fries??? I paid £12 for a turkey dinner, and it was like eating a school dinner, with gravy that didn't move when you tipped up the plate...

Anyway, time came to go to the cinema, a walk for about half a mile, the lift to the 4th floor, more corridors, a flight of stairs and there we were..thank God..as I sank gratefully into my seat, bets were being taken further along the row about how long it would be before I was asleep..what can they mean???

Turn your mobile off, says Clive to me. I hunt in my bag...no phone. James rings it. The manager of the First Floor Bistro answers. It was found in the ladies loo. They all look at me. Well, doesn't everyone take their phone to the loo to check texts? The film is about to start, but my phone needs collecting. Clive moves his legs to allow me out of the row, and tells me to be quick. I get up and limp out of the cinema. Limp down the stairs, down corridors, into the lift, walk half a mile, collect my phone -thank you - and do it all again, trying to hurry and feeling my feet and knees become more painful by the minute. I won't even go into the game with the lifts..it would have been funny to watch me running from one button to another..and the lift that kept stopping didn't go to the fourth floor....I almost got hysterical...

I got back before the film started!! And I stayed awake all through except for a couple of mins in the first poker game..I closed my eyes then..but other than that was gripped the whole time! Loved it..lvoed him...excellent film.

It ended at gone 11pm, and then we all had to extract ourselves from the row, and gather all of James' and my Christmas shopping which was spread between all of us, under seats, between seats, etc.

I managed the walk to the Barbican underground, bringing up the rear, slowly, while Mec hovered about being caring..good job someone was... the next train to St Albans was delayed, until about 12.20am, and I pointed out that actually my car was at Highgate..and needed collecting..I wondered if a. Clive would offer to come with me or b. (please God) offer to go and get my car and let me stay on the train with Laa and Mec and get a lift home from the station... Clive took in the situation and said, 'Oh, I'll get the train with Laura and Mec and see you at home, no point in both of us going to Highgate'.

Sometimes I wonder if, in fact, we are a couple....

The train comes in. It doesn't stop at Kentish Town. The plan was to get a bus from there to James' flat, he would then drive me to my car, I would then drive home...simple... Never mind, says James, we can get off at West Hampstead and get a cab to your car. Yes. We bid farewell to Laa, Mec and Clive and get off, me limping as best I can along the platform. I am cold, tired and lame.

We stand on the road for fifteen minutes watching traffic before a cab comes along. I slide in and sit down and happily pay my third tenner of the night...after finding my lvoely, lovely car on hampstead lane, I drive Amy and James back to his flat. Oh, I forgot, Clive's parting comment to me on the train was, 'Go and have a coffee in James' flat before you drive home. You're tired and in no state to drive home like that.' You couldn't make it up!! I declined the coffee as I needed just to get home: I put on the radio loudly and headed for the M1. It was a quick journey home, and I pulled on the drive at a quarter to two. Yes. 1.45am. Some day out.

Next time James invited me out for the day, remind me to set the agenda....

Shopping, shopping and...more shopping...

Last Friday..what a day. James suggested a mother and son shopping day and lunch, in London. What a gem. I love my children! However, it went downhill from there.... he decided I should drive to him, see his new flat, and we would get the bus in from there. I did have reservations....long day, lots of parcels and bags, walking, buses, getting back to my car..still I followed his instructions..

He next came up with the idea that we could end the day with seeing Casino Royale in Hampstead. Lovely. We were all up for that, including Laa, Mec, Amy and Clive. So he booked for all six of us. Except Hampstead was full. So he booked the Barbican instead.... mmmm...

Anyway, I arrived and parked in Highgate and James drove up from his flat, ten mins away and picked me up. Saw his new place in Parliament Hill, very nice. We got the bus to Great Portland Street, and there was the High Spot of the Day....a deli/chacuterie called Villandry..a loviely coffee shop to boot and just gorgeous, all the staff in their proper white aprons and the shop filled with delicious deli food and Christmas goodies..I could have eaten and shopped in there all day. We sat and waited to order breakfast..the young waiter was rather a long time with a couple in the corner..two amazingly young men who were so good looking they had to be gay, and he was obviously taken with them...he eventually got to us, this lovely young French boy - so good looking - and we ordered our coffee and pastries. 'No, he's not gay,' announced James who was blushing slightly from the French boy's attentions. 'Well, you are taking your mother out,' I said, 'he thinks you're nice boy...'

Then the walking started. James walks. And walks. Covers ten miles in a few strides. 6'4" and young and fit. Behind him, running, in high heeled brown boots (wanted to look smart for my day in London..) is 5' 3" not so young not so fit.

We walked to John Lewis. Debenhams. Selfridges. M&S. By then I was aching, feet hurting, knees stiff. We had a lunch stop. Then carried on. More shops, more walking...James says a shop is 'round the corner' and it's six blocks away. I try really really hard..but eventually I am in real trouble...feet blistered and in agony. Can hardly walk. My knees respond by stiffening up completely..I am absolutely crippled and desperate. James keeps walking and I am hobbling behind. Eventually the penny drops. 'You really can't walk can you?' 'No.' He helps me a few yards along to the nearest Prt a Mnger, and sits me down and gets me a cup of tea and a slice of lemon cake. Yum... When he gets back I am rubbing my knees and close to tears..I am trying not to cry because a. it is so girly and b. he will feel bad, but everything f**ing hurts. He runs out and finds a pharmacy, bless him, and feeds me nurofen. It is only half past three and we are due at the Barbican at 6.30pm to eat.....

After a long sit and a talk, the nurofen kicks in and I feel a bit better and say I can make it to whereever he was heading, somewhere he wants to go for Amy's present. It's round the corner...ok.

Three blocks later! we get there, and I walk in open mouthed. Dover Street Market. Concrete floor, brick walls..have they rented a disused warehouse for a week or two? No, it always looks like this..we consider small leather purses and plain black cardigans priced at about £150, and I really do feel out of touch. I resist the old person's statement of 'I'm sure BHS will have something just the same only cheaper,' cos it would only earn me a slap.

Next is H*bit*t on T C Road, miles away, so I insist on paying a tenner for a taxi. I look round, admiring all the furniture with James' name on, and feel very proud. We go into He*als next door, and I collapse onto a sofa while J looks round, and I wonder if I can buy the sofa and sit on it all the way home. My feel are on fire. I may never walk again.

Time to head to the Barbican, we are weighed down with shopping, but managing ok between us. I pay another tenner for another taxi and literally hobble into the Barbican and Mec and Laa just collapse at the sight of me..... but they are very concerned too.

Was that the end of it? No..not at all.....

Random Weds morning thoughts...

1. I would like to stay in bed today.

Had a meeting with chair and treasurer last night. Finance driven. From 8pm until 11.20pm. Enough said................

2. Found receipt for petrol and flowers bought in Bristol. Flowers cost £3.99. In a bunch in the middle of all those buckets of fresh flowersoutsidee all petrol stations. How was I to know.........

3. Had an e-mail from my Big Cousin after funeral, along the lines of, you did really well on Friday, you looked lvoely, you talked to people, you were caring, good to see you etc etc.

I replied, thank you for saying I looked lvoely (words which leapt out of the page at me..not often heard!!!) in truth next to my younger, slimmer, glamorous cousins, in fact I felt middle aged, overweight and frumpy. There, I said it.

His reply? Well yes, you are middle aged, overweight and frumpy, but you still looked lvoely, it's your smile, your personality, it just shines through and that's what people see.

Now if that isn't enough to make me start my diet, go to the gym and rethink my wardrobe, I don't know what is.

Isn't the truth wonderful!!!!!!

4. Still want to stay in bed.

The Circle of Life

A good weekend, but with my lack of sleep and busy few days, I felt I was only 70% there! But I did try...I arrived home from Bristol, dropped my bags in the hall, went straight out to pick J and K up from the station, came back, dropped their bags in the hall, and headed off to my favourite Chinese restaurant - we took Clive with us who found J and K very entertaining and he enjoyed himself immensely. He was very impressed with how much wine J can get through on her own!!!!

Saturday, my guests suggested having breakfast out, which may have been a diplomatic reaction to me admitting that with going to Bristol and funerals and wot not, I had not been shopping, so there was not much choice..but we all headed to my favourite little coffee chop and partook of their cooked breakfast, and Laura joined us which was lvoely.

After a brief shopping foray in St Albans, it was time to get the train to London. The tube was playing up (ie not stopping at Kings, most inconvenient) so after much train hopping and a long walk we made it just in time for The Lion King! Oh it was brilliant - the staging, the animals...the music and singing...(of course sitting down for 10 mins in a warm comfy theatre, as you can imagine, I did not off a bit in the first half. I was so tired and so relaxed....)

Waiting for curtain up..so excited!!!!


After the matinee, it was still only about 5 o'clock, so we just had to head to Covent Garden and do a bit of Christmas shopping and take in the festive atmosphere, and press our noses up against shop windows we were too poor to go in.....

Suddenly it was time to eat again, and we found ourselves in a sweet little Italian which was very nice but the portions were a bit on the small side....

The M&S at Covent Garden came in useful as a source of picnic goodies...I rang ahead and got Clive to light a roaring log fire, and pick us up from the station...home by 9pm and installed in comfort, with wine, coffee, lots of goodies to eat and a chance to catch up on the gossip..Clive suddenly found his paper very interesting....

I know I was falling asleep again, such a lousy hostess, but I managed to be up first in the morning and make J and K a decent breakfast. Their plans included a Christmas shopping and sightseeing day in London, starting with Harrods..it all sounded wonderful, but still feeling slightly under the weather, and still very tired (what is wrong with me??) I chose to leave them to it and have a quiet day at home catching up on housework, washing and ironing (I repeat, what is wrong with me!!!!) boring I know, but I hadn't been home since Thursday morning....my excuse....

You could tell I was tired, I helped them get their coat and bags together in the hall, gave them both big farewell hugs, then it dawned on me, I was taking them to the station.....

In the midst of death..there are flowers...

I felt in the mood for buying flowers. At the M&S stop I bought two pretty cyclamens in sparkly Christmas pots, one for Caroline, one for my aunty. Then two bunches of deep red roses, one each for my two cousins, whose mother's funeral I was going to. (With me so far? Good.) The roses got put in water overnight at Caroline's and seemed to be surviving well.

However, my plan was, on my way home from the funeral, to stop in Bristol and visit my mum and dad in their resting place, and see the plaque my brother and I ordered in June - and to put some flowers there, only I had forgotten to buy those - slight oversight! So when I stopped for fuel, I looked at the buckets of flowers at the petrol station, and my eyes fell on a simple bunch of bright yellow rose buds - less is more - and I thought my mum would like them, looking spring like on a lousy November day.

My brother decided to head straight off home after the funeral - it was getting dark and stormy, Friday night traffic on the M25 and all that, yuck, so I was going to go on my own. However, my cousin Johnny and wife Jean would not hear of that, and insisted on coming with me.

Within the hour we were stood on the edge of Lawn E, huddled together for warmth, and there, sure enough, in the little wall edging the lawn, was the plaque dedicated to my parents. In the top of the wall was a hole, where a silver vase ought to be but there was none. Someone else had an empty vase, so I 'borrowed it' from their plaque - I did ask nicely and they didn't say no....

As I took the flowers out of the cellophane and put them in the vase, my cousin asked if I would like him to say a few words to mark the occasion. (At this point something occured to me and I almost got the giggles but surpressed the urge....read on...) Actually I wanted to say no, it's ok thanks, I'll just stand here with my thoughts, but that seemed churlish, so I said, yes please, and braced myseelf for what he might say, it might be deep and meaningful and I wanted to laugh...

He held my hand tight and said, 'We are here to pay our respects to Pete and Bette......you were both cantankerous old buggers in your time, and we are trying our best to hold up the family tradition...' at this point we had a knowing smile...Johnny said a couple more nice things..nothing too slushy, then I said, 'Can I say something now?' 'Yes of course,' says Johnny, squeezing my hand tighter by way of comfort in case I was going to get upset.

'Can I just ask my mum to forgive me, because as I put the flowers in the vase, I realised..they are made of plastic!!!!'

Johnny and Jean stared at my plastic roses blowing in the wind. 'Did you not know?' they said. 'No, I was looking amongst all the bunches of flowers in buckets at the petrol station..how was I to know I had picked out the only plastic bunch..I only noticed when I took them out of the cellophane....

'Can you imagine what my mum would be saying...Sal, fancy buying me plastic flowers!!!' Really, she would not be impressed. But having a sense of humour..she would join in our laughter....I must remember to tell my aunty Jan, who would also appreciate the irony...

We all bid mum and dad farewell, had lots of hugs, and went our separate ways..I put the Seekers on again, and spent the next four hours queueing on the motorway in dark and rain with fifty thousand others..finally getting home at 7.30pm, two minutes ahead of Jo and Karen who were coming to stay the weekend..and I sang all the way.

Finally, a pic of the flowers. Class. Pure class.

A day at the sea side...

After a shower and beautifully prepared microwaved porridge, I bid Caroline farewell, and headed towards the sunny sea side resort of Weston Super Mare. Not quite so sunny today..more wind and rain, but hey...I found myself crying again as I drove, and when my cousin Johnny rang to see if I was ok, I was able to blub a bit and off load some of my emotions. As he and Jean has stayed overnight at hotel in Weston, they promised to meet me in the Crem. car park and take care of me.

From the minute I stepped out of my car and was consumed in a huge hug, I was fine. Absolutely fine. Other people needed me to be strong today, and strong I would be. My brother and his wife arrived - haven't seen them since June!!! All us cousins got together and suddenly there, amidst the tears, was a lot of laughter, and a feeling of family.The service was short but moving, and my aunt's brother Tom talked about their childhood, getting bombed out of Liverpool during the war and moving to Wales. I always thought they were Welsh - another Liverpool connection and I never knew!!!

I had one of those awkward funeral conversations which actually nearly made me giggle..I went to speak to Tom after and tell him how lovely his talk had been. He asked how I knew Joy, and I reminded him I was Pete's daughter..'Oh,'he said, his eyes lighting up, shaking my hand, 'Pete and Betty, of course, how are they?'

We all went back to a hotel overlooking Weston bay - the tide was out about three miles, the sea was a muddy windswept brown, and we all looked out of the window at at a depressing winter's day - except for the smokers who donned their coats and clung on to the balcony rail out in the wind while they puffed their weed....

The buffet was lvoely, sandwiches, vol au vents..and there, in the corner was a huge dish of lasagne..and chips!!! Real comfort food! I had a huge plateful, and realised that everyone else had gone for the cold buffet. My cousin, red eyed from crying for her mum, suddenly got the giggles and said, 'Sal, the lasagne and chips were for the children.' Oh. No-one told me. And why????

Oh, we looked at photo albums, reminisced about our childhoods, Christmases spent together, and laughed at the characters our parents had been, and how we had been lucky and lvoed very much. It was a sobering thought to realise that we are now the older generation....the wrinklies..I felt very middle aged and frumpy next to some of my younger and prettier cousins!!!!

My cousin asked anxiously, 'Thank you for coming, has it been awful for you?' 'No,' I said truthfully, 'it has been good to see everyone and share our memories.'

I am determined to invite my cousins, scattered across the country, to Laura's wedding, so we can meet to celebrate something happy..roll on May!!!

6 funerals and a wedding....

..in six years, and yet another opportunity to meet up with cousins - we are all orphans now...hugs needed all round.

I decided to leave work early on Thursday, and had a lvoely drive to Bristol, one of those wonderful autumn afternoons with not a cloud in a clear blue sky: bright sunshine and a good clear drive, made it in under three hours. I am so honest, I will admit to playing one of my favourite cds: The Seekers, with folk ballads from years gone by, and I sang along with every one. There was no-one to tell me off, and I was very happy.

I used one of those useful motorway M&S shops, and bought flowers and chocolate and delicious food for later on...

It started to go wrong - well not wrong exactly, but a bit wobbly... when I went past the slip road I would have taken had I been going to my parents' house...and began to wish I could take that turning, and go and find them there, waiting for me, in good health with the kettle on..well, that set me off and I sobbed all the way to Avonmouth!

I pulled myself together in time to visit my aunt, my mum's younger sister, and we enjoyed a cup of tea and an hour and a half recalling memories, and caught up on our news. She was so excited to hear about Laura's wedding! She was thrilled to see me, she misses mum so much, and we had a huge hug, and I went on my way and cried all the way to Caroline's!!!

The food and chocolate puddings which didn't need cooking!!! went down a treat, and we chatted for a while until tiredness and lowness of mood forced me to bed..lots more tears but very little sleep sadly.

Just the mood for going to a funeral!!!!!

Life is a box of chocolates...

..and someone else has had all the ones you like!!!! or words to that effect....

After a hard day in the office, DC came to pick me up at 5pm to drive to a meeting in a city about an hour away, to meet a committee who are thinking of putting on a Christian festival..and through a friend of a friend, they had heard about us and asked if we would go and talk to them about what was involved. I was in the sort of mood where for two pins I would have not gone. Home, dinner and the sofa seemed quite inviting.

DC and I haven't seen each other for ages, so we engaged in polite catching up conversation, while the expected hour's journey took two hours, and we arrived just on the dot having allowed plenty of time. No, really! We were still speaking (just) when we got there, so that was ok.

The meeting was in a s wanky (oops, make that swanky) council chamber cos the council are on board with the festival idea. So that will make the licence a doddle then...

A mixed bunch of anglicans, catholics, baptists and wot nots all told us about their vision for a 7 day festival for the city, as never seen before, with the churches working together and underwriting it. (The baptist man was all smiley and evangelical and up for anything. the people from the cathedral were very serious and worried about their money...) 'When are you planning to do this?' I asked nervously. July 2008 they said. Oh good.

They were so enthusiastic, asked lots and lots of questions, and you have to hand it to DC, he knows his stuff, and explained everything to them..and even I got a word in occasionally. Wed discussed volunteers v paid security staff, whether they should sell alcohol, licence implications, budgets, and we could help with it all. Their main question was, should we go ahead with this? I said, yes, you have vision and enthusiasm, go on, make it happen!! People on one side of the table were brimming with ideas and plans..the people on the other side were asking about security, health and safety, insurance. 'We are the management committee,' they said apologetically. 'The others (the programme committee, would you believe!) think we are being a bit negative, but we want to get it right. Oh, heard that somewhere before??????

We left at 9.30pm, all talked out, and everyone was smiling and going away enthused but better informed about the challenge ahead. There was a little Italian restaurant opposite the council building, and I was across the road before you could say 'pasta.'

It was 10.30pm before we started the long journey home, and I slept all the way. Such a tired bunny.

Today, DC forwarded me an e-mail.

To: David C:

Dear David

You and Sally were wonderful in the meeting last evening. You gave us a sense of huge encouragement. Thank you both for coming all that way in such a generous spirit. I am sure that we shall want to keep in touch and seek your help.

ML.

Aw. That's what it's all about at the end of the day.

What's in that little white pill I wonder????

Remember, almost two weeks my homeopath sent me my second little white pill. The first two weeks, like the first pill I took, there was not much difference..but gradually I have been feeling better and better in myself, more stable and dare I say it..happier. I know some people say homeopathy is rubbish: I had no agenda (Pete!) but I am impressed....over the last three months, since I took the first pill, I am gradually regaining control of my emotions, and my life. It does what it says on the tin! At least what she said it would do....

Today was a good day at work, I was talking with my staff about the new age discrimination legislation, and the fact that you have to be careful what you say at work, because as well as racial harassment, sexual harassment, you can now sue for ageist harassment. So naturally we spent the day being as rude as possible to each other: I asked Nikki something and then thirty seconds later had to ask again as I had forgotten the answer, then put milk in her tea when I know she doesn't take it, and because she is ten years younger than me, there were lots of digs about old age and forgetfulness. I'll sue for hurt feelings, really I will...

I had to go to a council meeting to hear grants for next year discussed by the councillors: it was scary when they got to me and asked me questions in front of everyone, I was terrified I wouldn't know the answers!!! But I did, and they voted me my funding again, with a 2.5% inflationary uplift. Magic.

I left the meeting and went to have dinner with Jacky and family: it was her dad's funeral on Friday and her mum's 80th birthday on Sunday, what an emotional roller coaster. I thought she had invited me round so that she could talk, but no, all she wanted was for me to talk and make her laugh. The assumption was that something funny would have happened, ie I would have fallen out of a small truck or something. They had to make do with the chocolate pudding story, and it seemed to do the trick. They laughed almost as much at me spilling gravy down my smart white top, oh yes, I'll do anything to amuse.....

Came home to find Clive happily full of pheasant stew and yummy creamy hot, melt in the mouth chocolate souffle. It was delicious apparently. Yes, Caroline, get down to S*insb*rys. On Thursday I want to taste the real thing.

A culinary tale....

Today was a good day..I haven't stepped outside the door, but it has been a productive day. I began by putting on some good music and continuing to tidy my bedroom, a job started yesterday. I worked all morning while Clive was at church, and was rewarded with a nice bar of Cadbury's Dairy Milk, which went down a treat.

I realised that a lot of the paperwork in my room needs to live downstairs, but that room, my music/therapy room, is full of my parents' stuff and other crap which also needed sorting out..so early afternoon saw the music going on downstairs and I cleaned and tidied and sorted inside while Clive swept leaves outside.

Yesterday Clive made pheasant stew (or peasant stew as I will call it!) and it smelt quite strong cooking..not sure if I was up for it, but was prepared to give it a try on the grounds that it was cooked for me....

After all that tidying, and some ironing to boot, I was hungry by 7pm and tucked in to a huge plateful..it was very nice actually..very tasty.

James and Amy had been at Laa and Mec's for lunch and they called in for a drink on their way home..I think some work had been done on the wedding invitation..as a H*bit*t textile designer, Amy has been given the job...

Anyway, after they left, I became a bit hungry again for a little something..luckily, Clive had also bought some little chocolatey individual puddings from S*insbrys (he knows me so well) and I decided to have one. The brand name is Gu: strange..still I started eating, and unusually for me, didn't like it much. It was heavy going, and very..well, Gu-ey. Too thick for mousse...too solid for cake...it took a while to eat it and I was glad when it was over. 'Don't buy those again,' I said, 'They aren't very nice.' 'Oh' said Clive. 'Very heavy and sickly,' I said, 'a bit like uncooked cake mix.' (You can see where this is going, can't you?)

On clearing up the kitchen, I went to put the box and the remaining pudding back in the fridge, when the words 'hot chocolate souffle' caught my eye...closer inspection of the small print with my reading glasses found the cooking instructions..to cook that perfect light, hot, choclatey, melt in the mouth souffle...you know I thought I didn't feel well earlier..I feel positively sick now...

Personally, I think its all Clive's fault. He, on the other hand, found it very funny that I hadn't read the instructions, and is looking forward to his hot chocolate souffle after his dinner tomorow night.

B&st*rd.

Oh, what a day....

So much going on in my head, on so many levels..you know, like the swan gliding along, and the feet paddling frantically underneath: so far so good, the outside appearance is quite convincing!! I am doing well...and I have much, very much to be happy about.

A sunny, crisp winter's day, with a bright blue sky, and a visit to Laura's wedding venue to confirm and pay the deposit. I can see why she wants to get married there. It's beautiful. And the gardens should look stunning in May.

Then on to another bridal shop, where a lvoely lady called Helena looked after us and knew exactly what Laura wanted. Everyone asked me last week, when she tried on those beautiful wedding gowns, did I cry, and I said, no, actually I didn't. But today, she appeared in a particular dress, and she and Helena looked to me for comment..I couldn't speak, and a lump came in my throat. Laura looked at me, her eyes shiny...yes, this was the one.

We have a dress.

Back to Laa's house to have tea and toast and tease Mec about the dress we have found...then on to Jacky's, to give hugs and drink more tea, and talk about anything but her dad's funeral yesterday. All she wanted to know about were Laura's plans. She was excited for me. What a lvoley friend. And she will talk when she is ready.

This is the stuff of life. Of human relationships. Birth. Marriage. Death. Happiness. Sadness. Love. We are all in it together.

Wedding fever continued...

So, we decided to look at the other end of the market. We contacted D*b*nh*ms in Oxford street, where the assistants tried to put us off going to try on dresses on the grounds that 'there is not much in, our spring collection doesn't arrive until January.' Not particularly helpful. Laa decided we would go anyway, so there we were, last Wednesday evening at 6pm, fighting our way through all the Christmas shoppers as it was a 20% off event..hell on earth..we reached the wedding dept, and looked in silence at the limp pieces of white rags on hangers priced at between £100 and £200. End of season, grubby white rags...trying on handmade designer gowns at £2,000 kind of spoils you...after spending 10 minutes deciding if there was anything at all worth trying, and there wasn't, and anyway we had been completely ignored by the staff, we crept away, and didn't bother with the appointment....

We headed off to S*lfr*dg*s, which was an oasis of quiet, classy calm after Debs' bargain basement affair. It bought out the worst in me. As we crossed the ground floor to the elevator, I stopped at at a large piece of sculpturedbox hedge complete with twinkly white lights and glitter (part of the tasteful Christmas decorations) and called out to Laa in my best common Liverpool accent, ''Ay, Laura, this is nice, it would look dead good outside our 'ouse, wouldn' i'?' and I suddenly found myself propelled on to the escalator with Laura's hand over my mouth, and her staying, 'Stop it, now..'

We reached the bridal dept where I was hopeful of seeing a few nice gowns. The dresses were kept behind frosted glass, so you couldn't even see them without asking, so I went to ask..
Laura noticed that engraved on the glass was the name of the designer, Vera someone, and she took a deep breath and said, 'Come on, let's go, we can't afford these..' 'How do you know?' I ask. 'I just know.' ''Well let's ask and try them on for fun,' I say. 'No, we will embarrass ourselves, nothing under £3,000 here.' 'Really,' I say, impressed, 'How do you know?' 'Mother, I read the right magazines, I know, let's go.' Despite my protestations that gowns designed by someone called Vera can't be that expensive, and can't we go in and play at being posh, and I will talk in my best posh counties accent (I promise not to do Scouse) I am dragged out to Pizza Express round the corner for our tea. I mean supper.

To make up for my disappointment, bless her, she offers to come to the Recycle Collective with me, as I was planning to go alone, so she comes along, tho to be honest, she has been before and it's not her bag. I think that's so sweet of her, to come along with her mum although she has taken so long over her pizza, we are late and we have missed the first session, featuring Steve...I am disappointed as I have taken a taxi from Oxford Street, and think of asking for discount on the door..but think better of it.

I chill out to some amazing music, and believe me, I needed it. I saw the lvoeyl Darren there with his missus, he didn't even take my seat......

On the midnight train home I fall fast asleep, and Laa wakes me up to get off at St Albans. I do lvoe my daughter.

Wedding fever....

Right, I may as well warn you. With this blog, you get me. My life. As it is, good and bad. (Sorry about the bad bits, but there you go.) That's life. And death, actually, has played quite a part. Not my choice, it just happened. To lose one parent, unfortunate, but two? Downright careless...

And there has been other stuff, more funny stuff, which I know my blog readers prefer, and I do my best, really I do to oblige...so many people I meet up with say: have you fallen out of any good trucks lately etc etc....(last March if you want to read it.....)

Anyway, as I was saying, I may as well warn you that, as Laa is now heavily into planning her wedding for next year, there will be quite a lot of wedding talk on my blog.

We have already had a private appointment at 'The Bride' in St Albans, where they unlock the door to let you in and Amanda, or Lucy is your private consultant for the next hour and a half while they bring you in wedding gowns to try on in your own dressing room. Laura and I turned up and were shown up a small stair case, where 'mum' was given a seat in the corridor outside the dressing room, while Laura and Amanda/Lucy went in and shut the door. So wrong on two counts..one, I do not want to go through the next six months being smiled at patronisingly and called 'mum' and two, if I playing for the bloody dress and helping my daughter choose it, I want to be in the room, not outside. Call me troublesome....

So after a couple of dresses had been shown to me through a crack in the door, and Amanda/Lucy had gone to fetch another gown, I knocked on the door (which only opened from the inside to keep 'mum' out) and Laa let me in. When Lucy/Amanda returned I was installed on a chair in the corner, quiet as a mouse. (!)

Laa tried on a series of hand made, silk designer gowns, gorgeous creations with boned bodices and wonderful frocks...mostly ivory in colour, sleek and sophisticated, not at all meringue like..she looked stunning in all of them...the model dresses fitted her like the proverbial glove, and I looked at my daughter clad in a handmade silk dress costing (I discovered later when I coughed politely and asked) £2,000, looking amazing, tall, slim, young, beautiful, and I thought, 'F*ck me, what am I going to wear, and can I lose four stone by May?'

A good evening....

Darbucka's bar.
Good food. Good music. Good company. (Crap picture....) but you get the idea. The Recycle Collective. Ace.

A bizarrre coincidence.....

After we got back from the day of Music, Clive went to bed, and John, Jean and I got the family albums out.

Recap, for those who don't know my family history: My dad had an older brother, Max, who was an RAF pilot and was killed at the end of the war, doing a weather reconnaissance flight up to the north pole or somewhere, and the wings iced up, the plane went down and was never found - they weren't in combat, and the flight was not necessary..but boys will be boys....anyway max is Johnny's dad, and died when he was about four months old..so he never knew him. His mum, my auntie Terry, never got over his death. She died about three years ago.
My dad had a younger brother, Bill who simply dies in his sleep about 6 years ago, aged 69. His younger sister, Sue, died of a brain tumour two years later, also in her 60s. My mum and dad subsequently died, and so, at all these funerals, I met my cousin Johnny with whom I had had very little to no contact all my life.

Hence why we were sitting sharing photo albums, and sharing stories of our childhoods, and our joint family history, both learning about each other and things we didn't know, and my cousin's wife also learning stuff about his history she didn't know. Some of this was extremely personal and painful so it was a close time of sharing and listening. This went on until 4,30 am, helped by a few cups of tea and the odd biscuit!

After breakfast on Sunday morning, the phone rang and Jean answered it. I could tell it was not good news, assumed it was a friend of Jeans, so I crept out of the kitchen to leave her to talk in private. Then I heard her say, 'Sal's here, do you want to speak to Sal?' (I will always be Sal to my family!) Who could be ringing there that I know????

I take the phone, and it is my cousin, Tobie, telling me that her mum, my aunty Joy has died. Joy was Bill's wife, and the last of that generation of family to go. Now they are all gone. Tobie was so shocked to find me at Johnny's..'I didn't know you were that close,' she said. 'Ah, all these bloody funeral have brought us together!!!!!' I said.

I have only been at Johnny's house twice in my life, one weekend last year, and now. Last year I didn't know him at all. Now I find, as I stand there, on the phone, with the tears beginning to fall, he walks into the room and puts his arms round me and just holds me. We are family. We have just lost our aunty. And just a few hours earlier, we had been looking at pictures together of Bill, Joy, and Tobie as a little girl and talking about them...what a bizarre coincidence...

And next week we will all be together at another funeral.........

And the whole point of the weekend....

..was the Maghull Day of Music. Now an annual festival of Folk Music, held at the Maghull town hall, we headed straight there after our cathedral tour and took our seats by 1pm, ready to enjoy over 10 hours of folk music..well, Johnny Jean and I were setting out to enjoy it, to be honest Clive was there under sufferance..I know, I know, your sympathies are entirely with him: but here are some pics from the day:














at the top, Flook, during their afternoon slot....then, amazingly enough, Julie Felix..I saw her in concert in Bristol when I was 15..I am now..much older than that, and she looks exactly the same!!! We worked out she is 68..yes 68 years old....being of American Indian descent obviously keeps one young..or maybe it is singing 'The times they are a changing' for over 40 years!!!!

Finally, the whole point of the weekend: to see a band that Johnny told me about when we went to the Wickham music festival in the summer: Last Night's Fun. He was sure I would lvoe them and I did. Lvoed them, loved them. Very Celtic. Very funny: the banter from the guy on the right, Chris was hysterical, he is real comedian, but more importantly a good musician. Can't wait to see them again. Of course, I have their latest CD, signed by the band..they are my new best friends....

Saturday morning.....

...After another big cooked breakfast, of course, we went here:


















..to the Anglican cathedral, made of Liverpool sandstone, and the biggest cathedral in England. Then here:














..to the Roman Catholic cathedral, which actually, I liked better. 60s architecture is usually pretty bad - and they have had to spend about 6 million restoring it already, as all the 'new experimental' materials used on the roof failed and leaked, and the whole place was nearly pulled down..but I liked it, it felt light and peaceful, and a more human size than the cavernous Anglican cathedral....I particularly liked some of the art works and sculptures around..including this one in a small side chapel, dedicated to children, born and unborn:


















The two cathedrals are, famously, joined by a street called Hope...

A little more to eat??

Back home about 2.30pm from our adventures, we sit down to a late lunch of home made leek and potato soup and french bread..then Jean fetches the grandchildren from school. They are two gorgeous little girls, P and H, aged 6 and 4 and I look forward to playing with them. H comes straight up to me and says, 'Where is the man?' and I realise she means Clive. I lead the girls to a chair in the corner of the lounge where Clive is hiding, reading his book, and the girls stand one either side of him, staring, wide eyed. As they start taking and P shows Clive her precious teddy bear, and a great deal of flirting is going on, Clive is instantly besotted and I creep away unwanted, and I realise that females start using their charms on the opposite sex far earlier than we think.

However, when they sit to watch Frosty the Snowman video, Clive manages to get back to his book, and when I sit on the settee suddenly I am surrounded by wriggling girls and we enjoy a gossip and I am shown teddy, and pictures drawn at school and even a gap in H's teeth.

Later in the evening, after they have gone, the four of us settle down to watch a dvd of Evita, starring Madonna: once my cousin has opened the sliding doors to his fully stocked bar, and we are all given copious amounts of drinks, crisps, peanuts and pork scratchings. The bar is so impressive and the house so big, I start seriously considering it as a venue for the next Ops meeting..they even have an indoor swimming pool...

My cousin's surround sound system with speakers everywhere is turned up to the level of sound he likes, and I worry that I need Doggit's ear plugs. I remember being blasted with Phantom at the same volume last year and nearly wetting myself with shock when the organ kicked in....this year I was prepared and actually the music sounded amazing and I really enjoyed it.

At 10pm it was dinner time, and we sat down to a huge spread of lasagne, potatoes, vegetables, followed by garden grown stewed plums and cream. I am starting to look and feel extremely fat.....

By 11pm my cousin is in full flow and sorting out the next dvd to watch/be deafened by: the choice is Peter Gabriel's live concert staged by the director Robert Lepage: Secret Worlds (I think) it is a fab, fab dvd, the music is stunning, the volume wonderful and the staging amazing. I'm not sure how Clive manages to sit in an armchair in the corner and read the paper...

Liverpool for ever.............

Back in the land of my birth..Sally the Scouser back in a city which I left a long time ago, and to be honest, a lot of it I don't recognise! We packed a lot in..first, on Friday morning, after a massive cooked breakfast!!! We went here: to Another Place:











Clive caused great amusement by walking out to a figure to take photos, then realising the sand he was standing on had turned into a little island, the tide had come in round behind him, and he had to run through the sea to get back to shore...wet up to his knees, oh how we laughed......

Then on to the National Trust forest near Formby, where there are red squirrels...one of only three places in the country where they live..they were beautiful, and after the windswept beach, walking in the forest was calm and peaceful, not a breath of wind, but squirrels running and jumping so fast, they defied my attempts to capture them...

Say that again?????

A day in the office with treasurer and auditor having last year's accounts audited.. Mostly it went well, despite the odd mistake, like she came across an expense form not countersigned...you know, three thousand forms are signed by two people, she finds the one I missed....b*gger...

Anyway, after a whole day of fairly usual finance related stuff, and advice on 'water tight procedures' including the concept that my administration assistant shouldn't open the post, but someone else, and it should all be signed and counter signed and witnessed, then no-one can steal cheques....yeah right..a tad over the top?? If I can't trust my admin assistant to open the post - part of the job for which she is paid..what is the point????

As she is leaving my treasurer says, in passing, that I am one of the best managers she has ever worked with (she comes from a business background) and my chin nearly hits the desk hearing such praise from an unexpected quarter. She says, 'Seriously, you are so professional and manage extremely well, you ensure things are done very thoroughly and properly.' I bask a little in the praise and hope it is just a little true....

Anyway, I finally get away and go home and iron and pack and get ready to head off to Liverpool, C and I take a flask of coffee - one of joys in life, milky coffee from a flask tastes delicious, and make the journey in 3 hours door to door, arriving at 10pm. My cousin is due back from business in Poland at 10.30pm and we plan to eat then. Unfortunately his plane is delayed and we eventually sit down to a big meal at 11.45pm!!!! It sets the theme for the weekend - food, food and more food. His wife is a real home maker and provider, and never ceases to provide...I promise, the diet starts tomorrow...

Not an easy week.....

And it's only Thursday.....not an easy week..a thoughtful week...one of those weeks when my defences are down, I am easily hurt, easily damaged, and once hurt, the healing takes time and is painful. Why do I get like this? Who knows...part of my make up...hormones...or maybe I am a delicate flowers who needs to pull herself together!!!

Tuesday was not a good day..started on Monday evening when I started to lose the plot, and the small things in life started to upset me..and make me angry..I am discovering in recent months/weeks how angry I am underneath, and that is coming out now..my counsellor has said I have been repressing it for along time...the smallest thing really affects me...I lash out..verbally...

After I have experienced such painful emotions, deep feelings, it takes time for me to get back on track - like after having a bad migraine, I feel drained and weak. Fragile. Misunderstood!!!

Strange week - opened the bank statement to find that someone has been withdrawing cash in the Netherlands - on the card which is still in my purse...the week my friend Jacky's dad died: the week I made a birthday cake and shopped for wedding dresses and realised my mum wouldn't be there to see her grand-daughter married, and it broke my heart for a while...the week I wanted big, strong arms round me to take the pain away...I know, that's what I believe in God for!!! Trust in God, not man...

My second little white pill arrived from the homeopath - duly taken and awaiting results..watch this space..she says it will stabilise me..

Better start packing..off to Liverpool, my home town, home to my roots to spend the weekend with my cousin and his wife. Can't wait. Promise I'll come back all cheered up!

Birthday weekend.....

I think that Laura had a good birthday weekend... I picked her up at 9.45 on Saturday morning and we went into town and had breakfast! Then we went to a very up market bridal wear shop for appointment to try on wedding dresses...she tried on seven or eight wedding dresses and she looked stunning in all of them, absolutely stunning. She will look amazing in whatever she chooses (although I accept I may be a little biased) . I, on the other hand, will need to lose about four stone - well two and half anyway, to look half decent. Given that the wedding date is likely to be Friday May 18th, I had better start the diet and exercise routine right now...

After a bit more shopping I took off to the homeopath for a follow up appointment - I needed it, I haven't been as stable as I would like to be recently (am I ever?), and she is going to send me a second little white pill! But I am on track she thinks..making good progress. I hope this pill reduces the craving for chocolate...

I went back into St Albans and found Laura in one of her favourite shops, FCKU, looking like a rabbit caught in headlights, with arms full of clothes to try on, although she promised Mec she wouldn't go shopping!! I took pity and agreed to buy a couple of things for her birthday, so after a trying on fest, she decided on a pair of black cord trousers, drain pipe like (goodness, are they really back in?) and a skirt. The skirt was pretty but expensive (it's silk, mother) and my suggestion that we could probably get some similar material off the market and run something up did not impress. I love how easy it is to wind her up.....then it was 3pm, goodness, and time for tea and a pastry...

More shopping, followed by proper food shopping, and I got home at 5pm just before Clive and his mum. I cooked dinner for us and then spent the evening asleep in the arm chair...

Sunday morning saw me cooking madly, making lunch, and a trifle and of course birthday cake for tea. We ended up with loads of us for tea and we all ate far too much...

I made poor Laa blow out her candles three times while I tried to capture it with my phone camera... not sure I did it justice but I tried....