So much good...

..and so much bad at the festival. For me anyway. Professionally, the culmination of 18 months of planning and meetings, organising, decision making, site design, licence issues..so it goes on. But we did it. And we did it bloody well.

What we have worked towards since setting up the business two years ago. So much potential. The first major piece of work for us..and now most likely, the last. Question is, do I simply resign from the business, or do I request that it be dissolved, or disbanded, or whatever it is you do to a business? Cos SAND is Sally and David....and if I am not to be part of it any more, then I think it should cease to exist. But what happens to all the business things, the bank accounts, the assets, the debts.....it is very, very sad.

However, some more pics of the festival to end on a high note..apart from the major evening events, there were day time events, and we designed the marquee space so it could be split into two halves, or one half and two quarters, with round tables and bistro chairs, so the coffee bar could have that intimate feel...every day there was a chair aerobics session - I joined in briefly while D took a picture, but then we had to run away cos we weren't taking it very seriously....there was a talk every day, a charity of teh day, a book review and a lunch time concert, as well as tea, coffee and cakes. It was very successful, well attended, and I heard some good stuff here, very moving and very apt.

Spot me doing chair aerobics...and the lunchtime concert with the Salvation Army sextet..excellent.....

And so it begins...

After three days of site building, three fun days in which it all started to come together, three days of having teams of volunteers arriving and helping out and making friends..two days of which it didn't rain, and we ate outside in the sunshine, retired to the caravan to eat and relax at night, made friends with Andy the scary biker security guy who turned out to be lovely and greeted me each evening with a big hug, and who came into the caravan late at night for cups of tea before guarding us all night...the Big Guy who found me crying one night and just wrapped his arms round me and said, Sally, You're lvoely....and he looked out for me every evening and was the only Atheist on site but the lovliest. Thank you Andy.

The sound and lighting guys turned up. Dan and John, what characters, what a laugh we had..they all liked a drink back in the caravan after work....I stuck to cups of tea or coffee (except one night, more of that later...)

Then it began, the first Saturday night, the Youth gig, with the live bands, and my teams of volunteers turned up, I briefed them, kitted them out with radios and looked after them through their first shift. They had a whale of a time, for most of them, their first experience of any kind of festival, or of stewarding in a yellow vest. Radios were foreign objects, and teaching them how to use the volume control, channel knob, ear pieces and mikes was hysterical. But we laughed and they loved it. Doggit and Maria came and briefed the Pit Crew and stayed and helped with the gig.

They stayed the night in the caravan, and the whisky came out....

A good night.

And there's more...

It was a city centre, non residential Christian Festival in the city centre park. It lasted 9 days, the longest festival we have worked on, hence the length of time on site. We had problems with suppliers, the stage was late, the chairs and tables were late, I was on the phone getting stroppy with people, being very assertive and getting things done. Oooh, she's scary when she's angry, said passing volunteers.

I was the only woman in a crew full of blokes..I made lots of cups of tea. I offered. I was also asked to put the kettle on when I was about to help build the stage. I did not like this and threw my work gloves across the marquee and left. DC followed me and asked to help build the stage. He apologised for the poor unfortunate male who suggested it. I threw a cup and broke it. I made the tea. I reminded people that I was working as an ASM in the theatre when they were all still in nappies, I have lifted stage weights, built scenery, and never, in the 70s...the last century!!!..experienced sexism like this. Everytime I wheeled a flight case off the van some bloke would say, 'Well done!'

The man delivering the generators saw me go into the portacabin site office and said, 'Have you got a kettle in there love?' No, I said, but I'll go and make you a cup of tea..... Now Mandy, the girl who drove the 100 ton truck and delivered the portacabin, Mandy with the hardhat, face piercings and tattoos, now she was lovely, I climbed up into her cab out of the rain, and showed her where to site the portacabin (we painted the marks earlier...) When we got to position, there was DC in his yellow Hi Viz waterproof waving us in...as if I couldn't site a portacabin on my own. I sighed. 'Men!' said Mandy, laughing. Men, indeed....

Festival facts

1. It was brilliant.


2. I was on site for 13 days and nights, only left once for an hour, the rest of the time was working, or eating, or sleeping, or talking, or laughing,....or crying....


3. Professionally, it was A Success.


4. I had a badge saying 'Event Director.'


5. I was in charge (with David).


6. SAND stands for Sally an' David.. (get it?....)


7. I loved it.


8. I could do it full time. For ever.


9. It might be the last gig we do as SAND. First and last. Go out with a bang, not a whimper.....


10. I promised some pictures:
Day one, set up day, poured with rain from morning til night. Our caravan and site office, set up til backstage was built. Woken at 7.15am on Day One by Man phoning trying to get on site to deliver toilets (I did remember to order them!) and I had to throw some clothes on and some water proofs and take delivery!



The marquee going up in the rain...so exciting... the start of it all. David and I had gone round the park early in the rain, checking our site plan, measuring and marking out with spray paint where everything had to go..I had guessed the position of the toilets earlier and they were a few feet out...didn't think it mattered until Anal Person pointed out the lights would now miss them..... doh...

Building our Outside Safe Store in the rain, with my two beautiful assistants, David and David..(so many Davids on site, whenever I yelled the name, at least four guys came running...never the right one of course.....) I even wielded a sledge hammer to put the stakes in..did I mention how much I enjoyed myself?

What a roller coaster.....

Yes, a roller coaster, that describes the last few weeks. Thank you so much for those of you who have been there at the end of the phone when I have needed you. I am truly grateful, and hope you know I am always here to return the favour! I couldn't have got through it without you.

Friends....made in God's own image....if I don't say it often enough, you are lvoely...... thank you all of you for caring, if at a distance, you don't know how much you all mean to me.

However, I have survived, and part of surviving the past few weeks has been being very busy writing and delivering 7 training sessions for over 250 volunteers, preparing for the Festival we have been working for, over the last 18 months.

Against all odds, the training has been good, more than good, it has been well received, people have thanked us for it, said it was fun, informative and professional and excellent material well delivered. During my lowest moments, it has lifted my self esteem and self belief.

Now we are preparing to go to site, all the suppliers and contractors are booked, licence done, park booked, insurance sorted, risk assessments done..all that remains is for David and I to drive (well ok, David to drive) our caravan to site, and be ready for the marquee to arrive..and the fencing..and the portacabin, and the toilets (I did remember to order the toilets, didn't I?) and to put on our waterproofs and get stuck in.

I have designed every policy and procedure known to man (or woman) and have got my festival event file ready.

I will try and post some photos as we go along...it will be a historic event. Maybe the First and Last major gig for SAND Consulting!!!! After that, who knows...

Strange, weird, thoughtful, sad, reflective....

A weird day. My dad died 3 years ago this week. This pic is of his 80th birthday, 4 months before he died, and a month after my mum died. In the photo, tying his balloon onto his chair, is my mum's younger sister, my aunty Jan. She had been ill for some time, and today I made another trip to Bristol for her funeral.

The sun shone, like it did three years ago, and I arrived early enough to visit my mum and dad and out some flowers in the holder above their plaque. Clive, James and Laura were with me, bless them, I love my children for wanting to be there and the tears they shed with me.

I hugged my uncle, and my cousins, and we held on tight, feeling that bond of knowing people we lvoed were gone for ever. Hopefully they are together.

Jan was so different from my mother: my poor mum who was anxious, depressed, miserable, resentful, self obsessed, even when her problems were relatively minor to Jan's, whose illness has been life threatening for some years. Jan, on the other hand, who was seriously ill, was cheerful, outgoing, funny, outrageous and was always laughing. She missed my mum so much, and she could make her laugh and cheer her up like no-one else. I have spoken to her often since mum died, and she has been a tower of strength and an example to me.

I visited her in hospital in March, on the same ward my mum had been on...and we laughed. She was so pleased to see me. I spoke to her on the phone about three weeks ago, she was back at home but waiting to go in for the operation from which she may not recover (she didn't) and..yes... we laughed, and talked, and shared...she was remarkable.

Funerals are weird things. One minute crying, the next minute talking to family you know well, being pleased to see them, sharing memories, eating, drinking, laughing, meeting relatives you didn't know you had, 'Oh, are you Betty's daughter? Lovely to meet you, I knew your mum years ago, she was lovely.' My cousin Mike, hugging me hard saying he knew he would cry when he saw me, (thanks Mike) saying I haven't changed in 40 years, the same old Sal and still lvoely (thanks Mike!) now his mum was gone he knew how I felt.

It's a party, a celebration, old photographs to look at, a time of intimacy and laughter..yet the person it's all for, the guest of honour is not there.

And you reflect on all the losses, all the sadness in your life, you take stock and look round, and think, Fuck me, I'm the older generation now, not the children any more, but the parents, my cousins grey and going bald..Fuck it's not long since we were children. And there are my two, looking gorgeous, 31 and 28..can it be???

I have just finished a book, last night, and the author was talking about mindfulness. Living truly in the present, inside your self, in the moment, fully aware of yourself and what you are doing. Then an e-mail came in from a guy I heard speak once, an inspirational guy, I signed up to his monthly bulletins. This morning the e-mail was on..mindfulness.. The importance of living in the present, not the past, full of regrets at what has not been, or in the future, living for what might be, but in the here and now. Then I looked at the rollecoaster blog, which I haven't for a few weeks..and guess what? She talked about mindfulness.

Mindfulness. Three times in less than 14 hours. I have reflected on that today, I was meant to read the words, hear the message. I am stuck in a world of looking at the past, worrying about the future, wanting what I cannot have, wanting more, missing today and the here and now of life because in my head I am always somewhere else.

I am going to think more about being mindful.. About my Aunty Jan who was her children's best friend, who cheered everyone up by her positive outlook and wonderful sense of humour.

I will miss her.

They're in!

If you compare this picture of the kitchen with the one on the blog below, you will see a slight difference..Amy cooking us some lunch!! Yes, after six months of hard graft, they are in their flat...not totally finished... we spent a cold, wet, gale force winds Bank Holiday Monday in the flat while James and Clive did a few more jobs, Laa, Amy and me lounged about and watched 'The Sound of Music' on the TV..well, it had to be done, they had never seen it, and it's just a classic!! They also had to admit that despite trying, there was nothing else on worth watching....they tolerated my adoration for this classic childhood favourite..but when I joined in the songs..well you have to, don't you, James came and told me I was spoiling it for the other children, and would I please keep quiet.....why is, when the nun sings 'Climb Every Mountain..til you find your dream,' I had tears in my eyes, and the others are wetting themselves laughing at the corniness of it?? Oh, I forgot to mention, son in law Mec was there, and he had to suffer it too.... and I think, from the look on his face for the whole 3 hours, suffer was the word. he should have just thought of his Favourite Things.....

The best picture of all.....

I am very proud of this picture. Taken with my iphone. A quick 'point and shoot' out of the train window. But I think the result is stunning....

Some more pics.....

Oh, the visits to the wee craft shops and wee giftie shops..oh the temptations..all those we cuddly toys, but not a giraffe in sight.... mind you, these mugs were tempting.....

Has someone we know gone into business in the Scottish Highlands??

I saw these hand made Scottish plaques in one wee craft shop (not at all touristy...) and I nearly bought one each for some good friends..but decided to take pics instead and let you work out if tou might have been a recipient..and if so, which one???

So beautiful...so peaceful....

We were lucky with the weather, I know. It was pouring with rain down south, but in Bonny Scotland, we were blessed with the odd cloudy moments, but not a drop of rain. Lots of clear blue skies, and gorgeous views across lochs and mountains...

Getting off the train at a wee country station...

The peace and stillness of a beautiful loch..if only I could have captured the complete silence that was there too...

This stunning sculpture to honour the Commandos, the elite force formed during the second world war, and who trained up in the highlands before seeing active service. It gave me the opportunity to ask a travelling companion, a gentleman aged 85, on holiday with his daughter, about the Commandos, and he was able to tell me their story. He reminded me a bit of my dad... but he was still getting about and seeing life....bless him...

Saturday night ceilidh...not....

Joan announced that there would be a ceilidh in the hotel on Saturday night, after dinner, with a live band. Everyone was invited to dance. Oh...this should be interesting..would they manage without their sticks or zimmer frames? Well, I would give it a go..live Scottish music and a chance to dance a bit..I was up for it.

So we all gathered expectantly in the dining room after dinner, and there was the band.... and the music..well, how do I put this, they were more Jimmy Shand than Peatbog Faeries...very middle of the road, and everything sounded the same...not really ceilidh music.... suddenly people were up and dancing...now a waltz..then a quickstep..the older the couples, the more amazingly they skimmed across the dance floor. They were pros. Now Clive doesn't dance. And I am not waltzing alone. After watching appreciatively for a little while, we slipped out and sank into a sofa in the lounge with our books..honestly, us young people, we just don't know how to party....

Och aye, it's true....

Yes, I admit it. Over five days and nights, I slept my way round Scotland. With more than 22 men. I admit it. In hotel rooms, on trains...and on a coach. Oh, and their wives were there too. Oh, 23 men, including the coach driver. What a tart I am.

You know I have trouble sleeping? While put me on an OAP train and coach tour of Scotland, in stunning sunshine, under blue skies, with the most amazing scenery in the world to look at...and magically, I sleep!!!

It was Clive's choice of holiday, I admit I was not that keen, and when I got off the plane at Edinburgh and got on the coach, the sea of elderly people complete with grey hair (if they had any) hearing aids and walking sticks, did nothing to inspire. I gave myself a good talking to for being ageist. I wouldn't dare complain, 'they were all black' or 'they were all disabled' would I? But I was aware I was showing a certain prejudice towards old age, and I hated myself for it. They were probably lovely people, just like me. (Well, maybe not like me.) But I just didn't feel ready for that kind of holiday. I suppose it made me look at my own advancing years, and I didn't want to. But to harp back for a moment at that infamous GB icebreaker where we all had to stand in a line in order of age, and I was at the wrong end of the line..well if we had done it in Scotland, I would have been at the right end. By a long way.

When Joan, or tour guide, piped up on the microphone, 'say hello to Harry, our driver,' in her cheery Scots voice and everyone went, 'hello Harry!' and laughed with glee, I sunk in my seat and thought, it's going to be a long five days.

But do you know....I enjoyed it. I relaxed, I slept (missed Loch Ness, apparently it's very pretty). But as Joan had tasked us with shouting out if we 'spotted Nessie' I was happy to pass on that one. What I enjoyed, for four days, having gone away with a bad cold, and feeling very, very tired, was not having to think. Or talk much. It was bliss. I was told when to come down for breakfast, when to get on the coach. I looked out at the scenery, in peaceful silence, or slept. Every hour and a half the coach would stop, and Joan would tell us to shop at the wee gift shop, have a cup of coffee and use the loos, and off I would go, obedient to the letter. Then we would stop at a railway station, I would be told to buy sandwiches, then get on the train and enjoy a couple of hours tootling through the highlands, lochs and fields, either looking out the window, obediently eating my sandwich..or sleeping a bit more.

I struggled to stay awake and look out of the window, but by day two I gave in and let myself sleep. The warm coach or train, the gentle movement, the scenery passing by, and having nothing to occupy my mind, was bliss. Back at the hotel we were told when to come down for dinner, ('Our coach party eats at 7pm, sorry it's so late, ' chirped Joan,) and even where to sit. After dinner, there was coffee in the lounge, and by about 9.15pm everyone had hobbled upstairs to bed, and we were left to curl up on a sofa and read our books. Bliss. I was asleep by about 9.30pm so then I turned in too.

Some pics, taken on my trusty iphone, capture some of the magic.... right, everybody back on the coach....

Doing my head in.....

I never understood, really, the phrase, 'he (or she) is doing my head in', or 'he (or she) has really messed with my head', or 'I really need to sort my head out, man.' You get the picture. Because inside your head is private, you choose how you think, and you don't allow people to 'mess it up.' But boy, oh boy, do I understand it now. My head is very messed up. So messed it hurts inside. My thinking is manic, my trying to make sense of things makes me lurch wildly from one emotion to the other, one minute being ok, the next, really not ok.

How do you stop someone messing with your head? I know, I know, don't let them. Walk away. I'm trying.

I decided finally, a couple of weeks ago, to give HRT a go. To sort out the sleeping and the mood swings. The packet of tablets cost me £14.20: twice the prescription charge, because apparently there are two sorts of tablets in the box, two different colours, so you have to pay twice. I took out the thick booklet of possible side effects. Heart attack, high blood pressure, risk of stroke, breast cancer.....worth the risk to look and feel younger. But hang on...they may make me put on weight....add to certain problems I have which make me fatter....oh bugger that, I'm not putting on more weight. I wonder if I could sell them on e-bay?

So when I was in Boots on Saturday picking up my anti-depressants (not that I'm messed up or anything...) I mentioned to the nice young pharmacist (girlie, not a bloke) that I decided against HRT. She asked if I would consider taking a homeopathic remedy. Oh yes, I said. She asked my symptoms. For the not sleeping she found one kind of small white tablet. The she got out a homeopathic book and turned to the menopause page. There was a list of different symptoms. I read down to the one that described getting too hot, mood swings...being sensitive, vulnerable, needing constant reassurance and approval, tearful..ooh that's me, I said, I'll have the cure for that. So i got another phial of small white tablets and I've been taking them since Saturday.

Am I sleeping? No. Have I cried? Friday, yes. Saturday, quite happy and bouncy. Sunday ok. Monday, feeling a bit low. Tuesday, well, more tears. Anger. Wednesday, swearing. Wednesday evening, well, absolutely fine. Let's see what Thursday brings, shall we? I wonder if I could sell the little white tablets on e-bay?

Or as someone said to me today when I described my week of being happy one minute and wanting to top myself the next, as she was laughing, because of course, it's the way I tell it, she said I should write a book.... at least I could make some money out of having a messed up head.....

Oh well, I'll keep taking the anti-depressants. And just between you and me, at the end of the summer, after the festival season, I am making plans. I see travel ahead, a journey into the unknown. Alone. Watch this space. And I'll sell the anti-depressants on e-bay.....

They'll be in by Christmas.....

Another Sunday spent up in London at James and Amy's flat, helping with the refurb...... they bought it at the beginning of last December, and thought they would be in by Christmas... then it was Easter... then it was definitely, definitely going to be this May Bank Holiday weekend... but no.

It has been a lot of work, but we are nearly there...I am a painting demon, also a great putter-together of Ikea furniture..... they have worked so hard, but been so unlucky with just about every tradesman letting them down, expected doors not delivered, then the wrong doors delivered, plumbers not turning up, crap tilers, and now the delay is the kitchen and bathroom wood work tops, 5 weeks they have been waiting, delivery promised last Monday, but now they say the carpenter made an error cutting it, so we are still waiting. No kitchen work top means no sink and no cooker hob, hence no moving in..

Still, it has been fun all working together, taking breaks, walking on Hampstead Heath, meals out at the end of a hard day, and seeing it all coming together..eventually... and since the toilet was installed last week, working has been more relaxed, without the regular runs to the heath public loos..sometimes I made it, sometimes I didn't....

What else has been happening?

So what else have I been up to during the last couple of months when I was in blog silence???

1. Went to the cinema with V. saw The Bucket List with Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman. Very good, very funny, very moving. Recommend it.

2. Took on a new member of staff who started at the beginning of March. At last. We had to reorganise the office and put in another desk, now I have staff team of three. Much needed extra help.

3. Went to C's celebratory party in Bristol. It rained. But we partied, and ate, and shopped and had a ball.

4. Went to the cinema with R. Saw Juno. Loved it. Different. Loved the quirky music. I had a cappucino in the holder one side of me, and a carton of M&Ms (what else!) in the other. I sipped and dipped....and dipped and sipped...and engrossed in the film, made a mistake and instead of putting my hand in the pot of form shiny M&Ms, I felt unexpected warm froth instead, which scared me. I held up my frothy fingers and R had to get her hankie out and clean me up. See I still need a mum.....

5. Had my first pay cheque from SAND after meeting with the accountant. Feel I have earned it.....

6. Went to court and lost my licence. Suddenly my life-style is greener. I walk more. And it seems to be colder, and rain more, or is it my imagination???

7. Went to see Jethro Tull in concert. Brill evening. Old friends and new friends. me and three blokes. In my element. Had fun. Went to the pub after (had coffee....) offered to drive back..wasn't allowed.....

8. Went to GB Ops day..good to see old friends...good to get a few hugs in....

9.Went to see the musical 'Wicked' in London. Slept a lot. Don't bother. save your money.

10.Went to see Kate Rusby at the Cadogan Hall in London. Now that was a good evening....

Heading South....

When the time came to leave Manchester, I was handed into the care of two R*dcl*ffe young people, with the instruction, get your auntie sally safely on to a train...as if I wasn't capable of catching a train on my own....we caught the local train into Manchester where I was talked to non -stop in between phone calls from mobiles to friends in Manchester, waiting to go shopping, saying they would be there 'as soon as they safely had their auntie sally on a train.'' Simple.

When we got to the station, there were no trains to London showing on the screens. Investigation proved that this was correct, due to a derailment near Watford, no trains were going into London. Typical. I turned to my two young friends who were both on their mobiles again saying they would be held up. You go and join your friends, I'll be fine. But no, they had to make sure I was on a train. Any train.

Having worked out I could connect to a London train by going elsewhere, a suitable train was located, leaving in 30 seconds, so I was ushered on, and waving madly, my young friends ran off to get down to some serious shopping.

I settled on my train, showing my ticket to the kind lady inspector and explaining my change of direction. I realised I didn't know what connecting train to get. I rang Stu and Karen, explained my dilemma and asked them to find me a connecting train...not into London, but somewhere near St Albans. Watford? Luton? What time does your train arrive, asks Stu, looking at his pc.

Oh, I don't know.. I call down the crowded carriage to the lady ticket inspector, sounding, I realise afterwards, southern and quite posh...' Excuse me, what time does the train arrive at Sheffield?' She turns round. 'We're not going to Sheffield, me duck, this train is going to Leeds.' There are a few guffaws around the carriage and a couple of ladies cluck sympathetically. 'Whatever, 'I say, 'I don't mind where.' This is greeted with more tittering and people look at me as if I'm mad.

I tell Stu my time of arrival in Leeds, and he tries to get me to Luton or Watford, but fails. I rack my brain....where can I go...I know!! The Leeds line goes to Stevenage. 'Get me to Stevenage!' I shout, aware that everyone in the carriage is listening with interest, wondering why I don't seem to care where I am going... 'Make up your mind,' says Stu, sounding exasperated. But I am right, I can catch a connection to Stevenage and be there by 5.40pm.. I only lsoe an hour or two.

DC, who was going to pick me up at Watford, had I gone straight from Manchester, and we were going to shop at Staples..is phoned by S and K, and instructed to meet me elsewhere.

When I am on the platform in Leeds I get a text from K. 'Has Paddington Patterson arrived yet?' 'Yes' I reply. I manage to get to my connecting train (God knows how without the help of my two assistants) and reach Stevenage at 5.40pm precisely. DC is late. It is cold and raining. Eventually he arrives and we speed to nearby Staples to do a large stationery shop in 10 minutes before it closes at 6pm.... of course when we reach the till, there are complications, we have spent more than our account card will allow, and they can't confirm by phone as the office is closed. So we offer to pay by credit card instead.

Would you believe that everything in our two trolleys has to be rescanned to be credited against our account card, then scanned again against our credit card? The staff all try and help the Saturday girl who is clearly overwhelmed by the whole process while DC and I try and be patient and accept our fate which seems a ludicrous way of going about things..aren't computers lvoely???

By 6.30pm we are surrounded by 6 fed up staff members who can't close the tills and lock up and go home until we do.

Safely in the car, I reflect it's been an interesting day. Manchester, Leeds, Sheffield, they're all the same to me. No, says DC, Sheffield is further south, you'd have been much quicker going there than Leeds. Really? Is it? My geography has never been very good. I could have sworn Sheffield was further north than Leeds. I get a withering look and a cuff round the head.

Then I was home, to be greeted by the husband and mother in law. It had been a good weekend.....

And another thing....

When I told Stuart I had blogged, he rushed to read it, and then sent a message, phew, I thought you were going to dob me in.....no, Stuart, it was never my intention to write about how you took me out to lunch in Manchester, and then after we had left, and walked about half an hour in the pouring Manchester rain, you turned to me and said, 'Um, Sal, did you pay for the lunch?' 'Um, no Stuart, I thought you did.' 'No.' So back we walked through the pi**ing rain, back to the nice people in the pub, where I said, 'My friend, the vicar here, would like to apologise for leaving without paying....' and so Stuart paid up, and to our amusement, they hadn't batted an eyelid that we had left without paying, and were unimpressed we had returned...all very understated.....

But we had a good day, which included an interesting and enjoyable visit to an art gallery right in the centre..all made of glass...photos here, it's just the name that escapes me....oh yes, Urbis, it's bigger inside than it looks from the pics, and the lift goes diagonally, it's dead cool....

Oh I almost forgot....

..three weeks ago I went to court in Stevenage for yet another speeding offence..yes I was driving at 39 miles an hour, I shouldn't be allowed on the road...well now I am not, I had my licence taken away for 6 months, so now not only does C cook and clean and shop, he also drives me everywhere. No independence at all! It's like going back to being a child...

All my friends and work colleagues (including the trustees who had a meeting an agreed not to dismiss me from my job) have been really supportive and have been giving me lifts to enable me to still do my job, go to meetings, visit families etc.

I have needed the lvoe and support. But not the people who look at me and say, 'Well, you could walk more, it would do you good and help you lose weight.' yes thank you, I know, I don't need you to point it out.

Oh well, C is ready to drive me into work, must dash!

Hello...I'm back!

I am determined to do this...the longer I am away the harder it is to come back! It started by being busy...there was so much I wanted to blog about my trip to Manchester, then I didn't have time, so then all this stuff builds up in my head, and then I feel under pressure (self inflicted I know!) and I got busier, and not very well, and very tired, so each night, when it was my normal blog time, I couldn't be *rs*d!!!! As time went on, so much was going on for me, I just didn't know where to start, so this morning I determined just to log on and start writing!

Thank you to those that have missed me and occasionally texted or e-mailed to ask if I was ok. The answer is simply...I am both ok and not ok! The not ok stuff I just can't blog about, because it's too personal and anyway of I do I will just cry, and I have done enough of that...

I have been trying to take care of myself, see friends, read books, and in order to help my sleep problems have been trying not to go on the computer late at night...but that was over taken by having my iphoone under my pillow and checking the time on it dozens of time a night...then check e-mails, then read blogs (thank you Caroline for giving me something interesting to read about at 5am!!!)

At very very worst time a month or so ago, when 4am was the most lonely and hellish time on earth and I wasn't sure I could get through the night..(sounds dramatic but that is how I felt) I remembered my cousin was working in Dubai, which is 4 hours ahead..one night in desperation I texted, 'Are you there?' and he reply came back, 'Yes, I'm here for you.' It helped just to have a response even if we texted about the weather or work, it grounded me and kept me sane.

Although my iphone has helped me through the night, I read something on Sunday, an article entitled 'sleeping with the enemy' and it was about this very subject. Phones give off signals and radiation and this can keep you awake at night if you sleep with one! The article said, 'Do you wake up and check the time on your phone? Do you check e-mails at 2am? No wonder you can't sleep!'

The other thing is that I was lying awake waiting for text messages that didn't come, and then I would send abusive text messages, sometimes for hours, venting my anger and hurt and upset on someone that didn't respond! Not healthy!

So for the last two nights I have not texted anyone, turned my phone off and tried to sleep. How I have survived life and work in recent months on two hours sleep a night I don' know...not very well is the answer. But I am taking myself in hand (ooh..) and trying to change things and protect myself from hurt.

I have a few health problems which the doctor thinks are stress related - no!!! - and I have had blood tests and now face an unpleasant procedure to investigate stomach problems (that's the polite way of putting it) I know break polite rules by blogging about sex and death, but what about bowels???? ok, I'll take that as a no then.

Last week I had minor surgery at my doctor's and I so wanted to share it with you..I'll save it for next time..you just need to know that I had a 'traumatised mole' removed from under my right breast. Now I just need to know what pictures that conjures up in your minds....the GP couldn't understand why I doubled up laughing when he said the words......

So good to be back.. Hope you feel the same! xxx

View from the wheel!

The second day's training was as good as the first: but the best bit was that, at 4pm when all the other delegates legged it for their trains, I just waved them off. I was doing what I always want to do after long days of training, that is, stay on at the hotel and relax.

Time on my own. Precious space. Away from everyone and everything. Just me. To do what I want. After two days cooped up in a basement training room, I longed to get out, get some fresh air and see Manchester, home of my studies at Manchester Poly School of Theatre, all those years ago.

I walked into the city, spotted familiar places, and places much changed and awesome. I went into H*bit*t and took some photos of furniture designed by their head of furniture design, a handsome talented chap called J*mes..... I told the very young very gay assistant that my son had designed them, and he practically had an orgasm on the spot and said he loved J's designs, stroked my arm and said how pleased he was to have met me. I made a young man very happy.

I went into M&S and bought a skirt. It's lovely. I will add it to the other 350 items in my wardrobe I will get into if I just lose a bit more weight.....

Then I turned a corner and saw it...the wheel!!! Oooh, how exciting! I paid my money and got into my very own capsule and went round 4 times, squeaking with excitement, feeling Piglet like, and took loads of photos and felt happy and free.

As it began to get dark, I decided to head back to the hotel before I got lost, mugged or a bit scared out on my own in the big city....I ordered dinner in the restaurant, watched TV in my room and then ran a very hot, deep, bubbly bath and lay and relaxed while my favourite music played on I tunes. Heaven.

Dinner in the restaurant (the Polish receptionist said I should book,) when I got there it was totally empty, I really was alone, so I ordered my meal from the very nice young Polish waiter (yum, I wonder what time he finishes....) and read my book while waiting.

Just to be really reckless and show I know how to live, I ordered their ice cream dessert and a pot of fresh coffee to be taken up to my room, and retired to sit in bed and watch Ashes to Ashes. The ice cream was good.....

Time to read my book, On Chesil Beach, alone in my big double bed (no change there then) and then lay down and sleep and dream of tomorrow, when my prince was coming to rescue me....