Tiring weekend...

Busy, not easy, and now when I remember how much work I brought home to do, I have tried to do it but am too tired......managed another swim today, 19 lengths, and also have joined, with Rosemarie, the health club, in an effort to make me go more often, go to classes, and who knows, I may even get a personal trainer to start me off on getting fitter and slimmer......

Can't blog, sorry need to sleep......zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

As I thought...

Pixie Dog has gone home. And I have a tub of clotted Devon cream. And a smoked buttered trout. Aren't I lucky!

Met Rosemarie and swam 20 lengths after work. Must do that more often, it was lovely.

Bother, bother, bother...

Dur...I had Steve Lawson in my diary for last night. I have been to the last Recycle Collective gigs and didn't want to miss this one, the launch of his new album - which I have and it's brilliant! Anyway, obviously DC wasn't around to go with, I couldn't persuade James or Laura to come with me..and so when Laura invited me for a girly night out I decided to do that instead, on the grounds that...a. it was yet another not and humid evening and could I really face going up to London???? and b. I would have to go on my own, and wasn't quite in the mood for that, feeling a bit low, last time there was no-one I knew there, but everyone else seemed to know everyone else, and I wasn't sure I could cope with feeling Sally no mates at the moment.

But when I log on to various blogs, what do I find? Steve's blog tells me it was brilliant (there's a surprise!) but not only that, I discover that the gig was on Wednesday night anyway, not Thursday! (I think I have made this mistake before!) so I could have gone..and then I check out Jude's blog, and lo and behold, a huge GB crowd have gone along, so I would have people to be with after all....but then I think, maybe not, they might not have wanted me, and I would have been alone in a corner, so best I didn't go then......

Somewhere along the road I have lost a bit of confidence....I'm going to try and stop looking for it and tormenting myself with my own inner monologue.....

I may have to keep her....

...Pixie dog is so lovely and she has settled in well... here she is in the garden waiting for Laura to throw the ball...again....look at the picture carefully..can you see anything that's missing???? She is the fastest dog on three legs...

Today at work I discovered the top of my left arm to be painful..I realised it is muscle pain due to the hundreds of times, as I sat on the sun lounger last night, I threw the ball up the garden...

I think Sophie likes her new friend, they are getting on very well.

Earlier this week I had an e-mail from Laura, suggesting a girly night out with shopping, food and the cinema. I lvoe my baby girl! Just what I needed. So tonight we headed off to the Galleria and did a little shopping - she was getting me to try some clothes, but admitted my new found shape was something of a problem, so we gave up on that..but I bought some make-up and lvoely smelly things at the Body Shop, and I found a useful white t shirt at the M&S outlet store...

Then it was time to go to Mama Amalfi's and collapse over some rather good Italian food, and have a chat. I am pleased to say my re-telling of the carpet man story (see blog below) had the desired effect.....

For someone who has had trouble sleeping recently, and has been awake many nights til gone 2am, you would think going to see a film starting at 9.45pm would cause no problem...but no, as usual, sit me somewhere comfy and warm and I'm off...I was actually asleep before, through the trailers, and had lots of little sleeps through the film. Actually, Laura said she never saw me awake. But I was sometimes, I do remember some of it..Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn in Breaking Up. Believe me, I didn't miss much. Laura really liked it though...she dropped me off and I was greeted by not one but two happy, licky doggies who were more pleased to see me than life itself. Aaaaah....

Two black doggies to play with! And other stuff....

Yes, Pixie Dog arrived in the end! After going to bed and trying to sleep cos I was soooo tired....end up exchanging text messages with DC at 1am (I know I could have turned my phone off, my choice) the 'what time do you call this?' variety and him saying he had had a good leaving do, John had taken Alan to casualty, Mark had had to go home, so he had gone out for a late meal with Sue, Karen and Anna, oh, sorry, had he forgotten to text me earlier, he thought he had.....

Not that any of this annoyed me of course, I decided to end communications and try and sleep...by that time it was 1.30am and I have never been so wide awake in all my life......stomach ache, head ache, the heat......

So at 2am I got up, fetched lap top and did an hour's research.....on what I hear you ask? Well as I say on my blog, sorry, I am honest and talk about death and sex..and politics..well death, anyway...but I share what is going on, as Liz says, this blog is as much for me as anyone else......

I researched the menopause...here I am 53, going slowly mad, not coping, falling apart..and really, for no good reason....I used to be a strong person...can't be on anti-depressants for ever, can't have bereavement counselling for ever...so..search results..some of you will thank me for this one day.......

There is something called the peri-menopause which can hit for a few years before the real thing, generally between 40 and 50..well here I am at 3 and no sign of the real thing..but symptoms of the peri whatsit? Weight gain..yes, I look about 9 months pregnant which is horrible.....mood swings, depression, yes yes and yes again...lack of concentration..oh yes, the mistakes I am making, the things I am forgetting at work......difficulty in sleeping...yes!! lack of libido/interest in sex....er no, not that one, this is me we are talking about..that's about the only bloody symptom that would be useful......

So I decide I'm not going mad, it must be hormones..so I research treatments apart form the dreaded HRT..I buy a packet of black cohosh tablets which my doctor recommended, a homeopathic 'natural' treatment for menopause symptoms..and a packet of St Johns Wort for mild depression. I took one each yesterday.

Last night, my friend Jacky who is a nurse, came round to dog walk with me..I talked to her and showed her the black cohosh (as recommended by GP a few weeks ago...) she said, oh that was in the paper this week, it causes liver damage, don't take it. But my GP said it was good...yes, but that was last week, this week it is dangerous....oh I give up, £16 down the drain and I've only taken one...she's going to recommend something else which is safe this week....

Anyway, the doggies had a lovelywalkk, Pixie has settled in, she is just gorgeous and I was still throwing a tennis ball up the garden for her to fetch at 11.30pm....she is an excellent 3 legged runner ..today I will take some pics to share.

This is a test stay while the owners are inDevonn for a couple of days. Hope they arehavingg a lvoely time..as Pixie is happy I can have her for a whole week in August while they go on a family holiday to France......they had better bring me back a pot of sodding clotted cream...

Long day....

..started with an encounter with a carpet cleaning man (of course I was taking to the dog, that's my story and I'm sticking to it....)

Better day than yesterday, which I won't go into, but I am stressed which is affecting my stomach, so I am in a bit of pain and not eating much at all, drinking water mainly, and have actually lost a few pounds so that's good....not even eating chocolate....that's worrying...

Have been at the laptop all evening, well from 9pm til midnight anyway, working on my Final Report for my social work student. It's not finished but enough for tonight! Now it's gone 12 and I have been waiting for a phone call from one DC (I'll call after 9.30pm) yes, well after......about the doggie arrangements for tomorrow. I am having 3 legged Pixie Dog while D and H go on a little holiday to Devon for a couple of days..I have my uses...I think I'll give up and go to bed and hope D and doggie turn up before I need to leave for work...if he is still out in London at his leaving do, I doubt it......

It could only happen to me....

This morning a carpet cleaning man came to have a go at some stubborn stains on the lounge carpet (probably coffee, ok?) and when he came in Sophie dog barked furiously, as dogs are wont to do. It was early and I hadn't dried my hair yet. 'I'll just get my stuff in from the van' he said having introduced himself (youngish, very big built in a football, rugby kind of way,). 'Ok,' I said, 'I'll just finish drying my hair.' 'No problem,' he said. Sophie continued barking and being annoying so as I got half way up the stairs I said in my very firm voice, 'Right, come on, upstairs with me - now.'

I turned at the top of the stairs to see Sophie and very shocked carpet man both staring up at me from the bottom of the stairs....'Um...I was talking to the dog,' I said. 'Oh, ok, I'll just get my stuff'...' said carpet man disappearing out the front door.......

And the end of one......

Stayed in bed reading while Clive went to church..although I was left with the instruction that it might be good to tidy up a bit as his mother was coming for lunch..quite true...James came and found me in my room, after my shower, and yes, I was crying.....let's face it, the depression hasn't gone away, but usually I can hide it from my kids...he hugged me and said he missed grandma and grandpa too....I couldn't say, actually, this isn't really about them it's about me feeling cr*p, so I didn't, which makes me feel dishonest.

Bless him he made me coffee and toast, and we talked in the garden before I set to doing some cleaning and tidying. Clive was going to fetch his mum after church, but as he came home feeling decidedly dizzy and wobbly and sick, he went to bed and James set off for Hillingdon. I cleared and washed the kitchen floor, made raspberry brulee (yum), hoovered, then changed and looked radiant for mum in law and children's arrival!

We sat in the garden and had a lvoeyl bbq, thanks to Mec's bbq skills (it's a blokey thing) and the raspberry brulee went down very well. I even managed time on the sun lounger to read my book and have a snooze! Clive and his mum went to church (again, I feel such a heathen) and having spoken to a friend on the phone and just got upset, I went for a dog walk with Jill, and cried most of the time. Jill is a lovely friend whom I have known for twenty years now, and she doesn't cry. She can't do it. Never has. How she puts up with me I'll never know!!!!

Persuaded Clive, who was feeling better, to take his mum home and stay there the night, save him driving back again at 6.30am, and went to church with James - not for a service but for him to practise his best man'' speech for next weekend. He is incredibly nervous, given his vocal problems, but he has written a good one, very funny and he has learnt it and delivers it well. He took some advice on delivery from me, went through it twice and called it a night. He'll be ok.

So now he's gone, and it's just me Sophie and the laptop.....maybe I'll just go to bed and feel better in the morning...what's the alternative? Don't ask....

Sorry, these two blogs are probably best deleted for being a. boring and b. miserable. But hey, what you see is what you get. I'll try and do better next time, Night x

The start of a weekend......

I was looking forward to it, after a busy weekend last weekend, and then a hectic week, I needed some 'me' time, I think they call it, so after Clive went to work I got up and got busy..music on, breakfast in the garden....put washing on, tidied a bit, just kept busy..but there is a bit of me that doesn't want to be alone, and craves company, and hopes the phone will ring or someone will pop by for coffee...it didn't happen, and although of course I have friends I could call..something made me stick with it and use the time..I can be alone, it's ok......

I actually made myself go into the messy room downstairs that has become a junk room and is still full of my parents' stuff....I brought a few boxes into the kitchen and went throughout them, crockery, cutlery, glasses, ornaments..letters, which of course I started reading, and the tears started flowing.....it was actually ok, I sorted through a lot of stuff, I read stuff, put a few boxes out for a charity shop and decided which bits I was keeping..I just cry through it all, but at least I did it..I kept expecting James to arrive, or maybe Laura to ring, but no..no-one..and why should they????

After Clive came back we sorted out some glasses, and having discovered James was arriving later, I decided to go shopping....which I did, after having a complete breakdown sitting in the car in the car park....I don't do weekends well do I?

I did a very, very, big shop and came back to unpack and find James there.....he had persuaded Clive, Laa and Mec to go to see Superman Returns, and so I went too...not overly keen I must admit, but the alternative was staying in on my own, and I thought, no......

Besides, the film gave me the opportunity to have a little sleep.....it wasn't the best film, but the after film discussion made me proud of my off spring who had both picked out the religious, Christian symbolism....Sunday School wasn't all wasted then....

That was a Saturday night I'll never get back....given that it was a late showing, I got back to check e-mails at gone midnight, to discover Liz had e-mailed me instructions for how to do Instant Messaging..just as I logged on, lo and behold, Liz appeared on line and somehow I didn't get to bed til 2am......that works then.....

How vey lvoely....

...to go away for 24 hours and have people say they have missed you! Well, in blog land of course, at home only the dog noticed.....

More pictures wot I took.....














The first pic from the front lawn in the evening as the sun was going down, and then the next day in bright sunshine....the formal lawns just become rolling fields full of mature trees and grazing sheep (sheep were in the shade somewhere that day but were all over the place the rest of the time....)

If I walked into the field a bit and headed for the sheeps bobbles towards the fifth tree on the left, there was a tiny place where one could get a mobile phone signal..briefly..I thought how sad it was in breaks, instead of talking to each other, there were lone figures wandering in the distance, heads bent, trying desperately to get a signal to phone home...why????? Oh some did have young children, so ok.....

I got two texts when signal hit..one from Laa saying she and Mec have completed on their house and are moving on August 11th...yay! Lots to do! Decorating and cleaning! Oh to be needed again!

The other was from DC to say that he and I had passed our Personal Licence Course with only one wrong answer each, which we suspected. B*gger. We got 100% in the mock! 49 out of 50 then. Oh, I so wanted to do better than him...... apparently we were the star pupils and did way better than anyone else..and we didn't get sent the handbooks before the course like the others..something to do with late booking and payment..oh, who could that have been?????

So we're off to a run a pub then.....

Beautiful, beautiful place.....

Launde Abbey, where I have spent the last two days....just beautiful..there were 16 of us, from all over the country, all of us have been in the same job for over 5 years and this overnight stay was a bit of a treat from the national organisation...lunchtime one day to lunch the next just wasn't long enough..none of us knew each other, but during the informal evening session began to get to know each other, and share personal stuff..16 women of similar ish ages, similar characters cos of the work we do (caring, sharing, or just nosey cows, work it out) so stuff about..let me see..men, parents, children started coming out,,what else!!! By lunchtime next day, over breakfast and coffee breaks more personal stuff was being shared by a few of us, but then after lunch, time to go...just as we had connected..I think they should have given us 2 nights and more chance to chill and talk......

It was a lvoely Christian retreat centre, you could tell that cos there was a notice in the bedroom asking you to change your own sheets in the morning.....there was a notice blue tacked in the corridor, saying, 'Silence, God at work.' Of course I am comfortable with a venue full of religious icons ie more notices than anything else, but some or not, and to my amusement I found the trainer bluetacking some paper over the 'Silence' notice because someone had found it offensive.....

It was almost too hot to work in the workshops but some of the time I escaped to the orchard and lay under a tree when solitary thinking was required. I could have laid there for ever.......

A strange week.....

Yes, it's been a strange week, three days out of four in London which is unusual! Yesterday was a work meeting about our now accredited training course, with other peeps like me from other schemes: we met in the small Methodist hotel/conference centre near Euston station which is a lvoeyl venue with a really nice cafe and lunch! Was good to catch up with a few friends at ,lunch time and have the usual unprofessional bitch about life!!!!

Managed to make it back to a sun lounger in the garden by 4pm, turning down an invite by Rosemarie to go swimming, but still wasn't feeling brilliant, and couldn't be bovvered..fortunately, as a fellow female, she understands these things.....

Last night included a late cool dog walk with Sophie, our friends Jill and Harry, then a time back on the sun lounger talking to the lvoely Caroline; I decided texts were not enough, we needed a full catch up. She won another tribunal yesterday, honestly, that girl is soooooooooooooo cr*p at her job.....

After a solitary plate of pasta at the kitchen table, I was just wondering what to do to fill the gap before bed time, when I get a text from Liz.. is is too late to call? NOOOOOOO!!!!

A lvoely girly chat, no tears, actually, from either side, but lots of talking, sharing from the heart..was the word 'Men!' mentioned? Possibly??? We had a good laugh, when after about one and a half hours of Liz hardly pausing for breath, she did the classic, 'So, enough of me, how are you?' which made us both giggle.. I said, 'Fine' and she said, 'No, really?' An hour later....

I came off the phone lighter in heart at having such good friends to talk to, made myself a coffee and found it was 12.30am and I was wide awake and happy! Off to bed with my book, what a lvoely way to spend an evening.....and to really make it, Caroline phoned to tell us the job news we were all waiting for...RACHEL GOT IT!! She must have heard the cheering from the Deep South!!!

Today I am off on a two day 'retreat' to Launde Abbey in Leicestershire. The HQ of the charity I work for offer it to 'experienced co-ordinators' who have been in post 5 years, for a time out and reflection....I can't...but 24 hours may not be long enough..the blurb says it is in the middle of nowhere so mobiles may not work (no bad thing!) but it says bring small change as there is a lttle shop which sells chocolate and other 'necessities.' So that will be hairdryers, tooth brushes, toothpaste, hair brushes, knickers..anything really, that I am likely to forget......

I am off to pack my bag. Have borrowed the husband's car for its air con. Not sure he was happy, but I didn't have to fight too hard......

See you Thursday!!

We really do all need pan pipes!!!

Now it has been officially recognised....pan pipes are good for us. I know Liz might take some persuading, but..you never know, the lvoely Caroline might be able to offer some first hand experience!

I have been waiting for her to blog about it, but in her absence, will tell you that Bristol nhs, like so many nhs's around the country, deep in debt, has got a lottery grant to fund three musicians to go round various doctors' surgeries waiting rooms to play to patients, to 'calm them and cheer them up' as waiting for a doctor is apparently 'stressful and boring.'

I wonder if the research for this project included the surprising increase in stressed patients trashing their doctors' surgeries, especially in the Bristol area? Please, Caroline, go to the doctor in the next three weeks and see if it works, are you calmer, less stressed, not as bored, and is the £6,000 well spent? If you say it's good, I may be able to sue my nhs for not giving me the same treatment.....

Maybe it's the heat....

The heat, or tiredness, or PMT or stress, don't know, but today was not a good day. After a hot and tiring day in London on Saturday, with all the walking involved, I had a busy day on Sunday, setting up and running a charity stall in St Albans as part of the Council Festival of Life project. Although I had volunteers helping me out on an hourly rota, I was there all day, and it was hot - not helped by the fact that I hadn't slept well and was up taking nurofen at 6.30am....

I lasted the day but collapsed in the garden at 5pm with aching legs and feet..what would I have given for a foot massage???

Then today, Monday I was back up to London with DC for a training course, after another bad night, more nurofen, and not feeling 100%. What to wear to London on one of the hottest days of the year, when what you want to wear doesn't fit..a few changes of clothing later I reach a compromise with what to wear that doesn't make me look too fat but I won't die in it. I blame missing the train on DC messing with the ticket machine, he blames it on me changing outfits..whatever. We get there late to find the venue locked and have to ring the organiser who eventually comes out and let's us in. I, of course, need the loo, and go into the training venue last and find DC comfortably settled at the last proper chair and table, and there is just a chair on the end for me. I hate being late, I hate having the crap space and already feel cross and tearful.

As the trainer launches into the detail of Personal Licence Training (for this is the subject) I realise that the subject is alcohol, it's consumption and effect, or at least that is where the trainer chooses to start. I also realise that I perhaps haven't given this enough thought, and the subject starts to upset me as it brings to mind my father and his alcoholism. The trainer lunges towards me in an amusing impression of someone drunk...only I don't find it amusing. (I know this doesn't make sense given my antics of downing the odd whisky, but it isn't about making sense, it's about trying to deal with a range of emotions around alcohol) The trainer also talks about licensing laws and the political agenda and I find I violently disagree with him but best stay quiet. Most people on the training run pubs etc so I am in a minority and after one or two comments or slight 'stroppiness' as DC nervously observes, I shut up and engage with the training.

It gets better, and is quite interesting, but I know that I don't really care if I don't pass the exam as I won't have to be responsible for anyone's licenced event! We break for lunch, when DC observes I am a bit highly strung but acknowledges that this is a difficult subject for me..I admit to feeling slightly wobbly and not well, but not to worry, I will survive.

The afternoon is ok until the Trainer asks for a definition of violence. While people are thinking about the answer he turns and shouts in my direction, to make the point that violence can be verbal as well as physical. I am not expecting it, and find that I am going to cry. After a minute, so it doesn't look too obvious I leave the room and go to the loo, feeling stupid for being so tearful...but can anyone understand??? Not the right moment or the right person, I wish he hadn't picked on me. I calm myself and go back in to the training.

A little later, we are sent upstairs with a mock paper of 40 questions to do in 20 mins before the real thing. I admit to DC as we sit down that being shouted at had upset me. 'He didn't shout at you,' he says, 'but in our direction.' 'It felt like he shouted at me, I was not prepared for it, and I found it upsetting.' DC then gave me a look that can only be described as withering and irritated and he turned his attention to the exam paper.

How I stayed and filled in the paper and got 40 out of 40 I don't know. How I went back downstairs and sat through the 40 minute exam I don't know. How I didn't kill someone I don't know. Why I felt so bad I don't know.

All I know is I wanted someone to care. Slightly.

Here I am back in bed having had a cold shower, water and more nurofen and hoping I'll feel better tomorrow. You know, I think I've passed the exam. Just need to wait and see who got the highest score......not that it's a competition, of course.....

Now I wonder..will it break down according to gender..will the girlies reading this have sympathy with how I felt, and will any guys feel sorry for DC having to out up with me? Or will it be an even split either way?????

OOps, belated pictures.....

Blogger kept telling me it had successfully downloaded two more photos to my blog, but it just didn't. Three times it didn't. So, from Saturday, here are the last two pics.. my two babies, happily chatting together..I lveo them..and little family of mummy and baby ducks playing in the sun on the Serpentine.... fourth time lucky...

Belated Father's Day Family Outing!

Laura had the brainwave of an unusual Father's day gift for her dad: there was an exhibition on at the V&A she wanted to see, and she thought he would like it too, and the fact that it was sponsored by H*bit*t and that her brother might be able to get free tickets rather added to the attraction.

So today was the day, and I was included too..so L, C and I headed off on the train and met J up in London: first stop was a walk into Hyde Park to visit the Serpentine Pavilion: every year there is an architect's competition to design a cafe and multi use area which is installed just for the summer and then sold off to the highest bidder.....anyone fancy this in their back garden?



Inside is a large circular space which is a cafe by day and a talks/workshop venue at night. Perhaps GB should buy it for the Festival? I took a couple more interior shots, showing the inside with an assortment of black hard foam rubber blocks for sitting, lying, putting your coffee on..and my family enjoying the facilities (and photographing the ceiling....)



















After a look round the photographic exhibition in the Serpentine Gallery, we walked along the lake to the restaurant and sat outside and enjoyed a rather nice lunch ..on the way I photographed another little family enjoying the Serpentine in the sunshine...

A bl**dy good gig....

Admittedly this pic is of The Waterboys at Glastonbury, but they looked similar at the Alban Arena tonight..although the lead singer had longer and scruffier hair. We had downstairs standing tickets, so although my legs are throbbing and feet aching (or is it the other way round?) it was a good three hours of folk/rock/heavy metal that has made my ears ring! Wow, can Mike Scott play that guitar.....

David and I had a good time. H had gone to see Billy Joel, C had gone to see his accountant (whatever turns you on!) so we went out to play... very tired now, need to sleep, night zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I lvoe you all....

You are all very kind and lvoely people for your hugs and prayers. Rachel, all the way from Tennessee sent a Blue Mountain card e-hug, which was lvoely - and before you tell me off any more, I did ring Liz on Monday to chat, when I knew I was 'on the way down' and she did a fantastic job of cheering me up without even knowing it!

And I did text the lvoeyl Caroline for lvoe and support when I went to bed, and she did offer to ring and chat, but by then I knew I was overtired and emotional, so didn't want to talk, but a few texts while dropping off to sleep were very comforting.....

Strangely enough, today was better, but did involve a couple of long telephone conversations in between family visits, which were painful (the conversations not the visits...) but have cleared the air and normal service has kind of been resumed..resulting in a lot of silly texts being exchanged and general amusement, which is far better than miserableness!!!

I even went to the annual church BBQ and had a sausage in a bun and trifle and was actually quite sociable, which I couldn;t have done at all last night. Isn't life strange! Part of my depression is the fatness, I am a strange shape now, and am so conscious of it, I really ought not to wear the same short t shirts, a change of style would help, and I am going for another scan to make sure it's nothing else! But tonight C said I was looking pretty, which is almost a first, I must get it in writing.....

I read Stuart's blog today. He said he is not sure where the line is between public and private stuff when blogging..in my case, it would be a phrase well know to Liz, I know where the line is, and it's just behind me!!! I do share such a lot of private stuff, I probably shouldn't, but hey....

Oh, I know what I was going to say: my social work student on her placement with us, is coming to the end of her 3 months, and she was saying today, 'Sally, I can't believe your social life, it's amazing!' I started to say, no, rubbish I never go out, but I realised that recently I have been to Cheltenham, the theatre in London twice, Kate Rusby, out to dinner with Rosemarie, Steve Lawson twice, and tonight the church BBq. Is that so amazing???? Suppose it is a lot.

I first met this student as a client, she had a volunteer for a while a few years ago, so I wanted to have her on placement. of course I am her Assessor, and am responsible for her training and evaluation while she is here. I do try to be professional so that she can learn Good Things from me. But while I was working at my desk this afternoon, surrounded by silly cards about chocolate and smacking people, and wild, coloured fluffy pens sticking out of a pot, and one with a tigger on the end, and on the shelf behind me eeyore and friends, and a quacking duck and a vibrating cow, she suddenly says, 'I've had my eyes opened working here..I thought Sally was such a serious, sensible person, and now I realise she's completely mad..' Oh dear, rumbled again. Got to write her final report next week.....

A real dip, I'm afraid....

I have been dipping for a little while, but struggling to stay afloat....found the weekend hard....then by yesterday was really down, and ended up last night by having one of those solitary dog walks (thank God for the Wick to walk round) and thank God for Sophie, where I just cry and cry and can't stop. I sometimes ring a good friend, sometimes I feel I don't want to impose myself in that state, and last night was one of them. The kind of feeling bad which makes me want to reach for the two boxes of anti-depressants I have unused in the draw, but I really don't want to go back to them, they won't change anything. I came back and just told C I didn't feel well and went straight to bed. When you are in separate rooms you have private space to cry in..but it can be so lonely.....

The day wasn't helped by several e-mails from Hilary, James' ex, which upset me, then a phone call from her apologising for upsetting me, which made me cry again, and she said, don't be upset, I am ok, don't worry about me, I am over it, I am really ok, don't cry, I hate your son now...I tried to make her understand that it was not all about her, I am sad about everything that has happened, that I can't deal with this stuff at work, and I don't want to hear that she hates my son....she said oh, sorry.....

I saw DC after work and had laptop conversations among other things, and I was in a bad place, so it wasn't fun, and I wanted to just cry, and tell him about HIlary, but somehow I didn't, and I didn't tell Clive later...but save it to tell a computer, how sad is that......I guess because I know the bloky response wont be just to hug and elt me cry and say nothing..there will be comments and opnions which I didn't need....

Anyway I have to keep the laptop now cos I have been so busy at work..I haven't blogged about the meetings this week, too many people in the office, too much pressure which hasn't helped. Just meant I didn't have time to do anythign about the laptop, or do the list of office keyholders, or ring a GP, or the family, or 101 other things on my to do list.

The laptop thing is a genuine misunderstanding. In his enthusiasm DC thought I had asked him to order me one. Of course now he is hurt that I don't want it, and feels if I keep it I will just resent him every time I look at it. No, I said, I'll grow to lvoe it in time....he said he would pay the difference (I was only planning to spend £600-£700) which was only fair, but as soon as he offered, I said no, thank you, I'll pay it all....I have some pride..I think...

We spent some time doing stuff like setting up internet banking (I nearly wrote internet bonking, sounds more fun...) and while he was talking techie and helping me set up various e-mail accounts, I was thinking about life, and J and H, and wanted to cry...but didn't..maybe there would be a chance later to talk about it, as we has said we both had the evening free..

Then H rang his mobile and reminded him he was late for a church meeting they were both going to....and so he said, sorry, I thought we'd be done by now, and went. Why didn't he say?

So, time for my solitary dog walk....by the way DC doesn't read my blog, so don't say anything, OK?!!!
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Scary, scary. scary...

As you know, sometimes Liz, Caroline and I buy each other silly presents....secondhand penguin soap dispensers for one. No, really....mutant giraffes, chocolate of all shapes and sizes..silly pens..it goes on and on...the present buying is sporadic and unpredictable....

At the weekend I suddenly decided to buy some silly things to send through the post to each of them...and they have been on my dining room table ever since. Well, only three days or so, but I must get round to posting them.....imagine my surprise to get home from work tonight, to find not one, but two envelopes waiting, one from Manchester, one from Bristol, and both containing not dissimilar things....silly greetings cards, stationery items..and..well I picked them all up and took them out with me as I was going to meet Rosemarie for a meal out and a catch up gossip. As we were about to have our coffee, I said, oh, look what I have brought to show you, my vibrating cow! (Reaches into bag and brings out small mutant coloured cow that vibrates when you pull its string. Thanks Liz..) Rosemarie nearly chokes on her coffee and looks round the restaurant to see other diners looking very interested. 'Sally,' she hisses, 'Could you say that more quietly..' 'Look' I say, 'pulling its string, do you want a go> have a feel..' Rosemarie puts her head in her hands in despair..I think she has a hangup about vibrators, don't you????