A good evening

What makes a good evening? Something good following a bad week...one of the bad things was running a Parenting Programme on Wednesday evening - no actually that was good because it was only session 3 and already those parents have made huge strides in dealing with what they thought were impossible problems: the session had a real sharing, successful, feel-good factor, and it was one of the best things of the week for me - what made it bad was it was on Wednesday, and yet again I couldn't make it up to London for Steve Lawson's gig. Attendance this year - nil. Will I make it in March? I hope so. Will Steve please stop planning gigs on the only evening of the week I am busy? Thank you.

Anyway, I digress..last night was good because I have spent so many evenings in front of the TV watching cr*p simply to avoid dealing with life..(The Antiques Road Show doesn't count - it's timeless, traditional Sunday evening watching) last night I watched Gideon's Daughter - had me tranfixed from beginning to end with the quality of the acting, the writing, the creativity....who would have thought up a painful, poignant scene where the actors are both holding guinea pigs? And that song...what words, how beautifully sung, I would also watch it obsessively over and over....even Bill Nighy managed to find a stillness in that role, and avoid the usual comic twitches..the use of silence, and looks that said everything....and Miranda Richardson, when she was overcome with grief outside the church.....that wasn't acting...it was brilliant...

Anyway, then I came to bed, and finished my book, Eve Green...a first novel by the author, beautifully told, and that slight feeling of sadness when you read the last line of a book, and close the page, because you've finished it...have to start a new one tonight....

Snap!

Reader, I installed my DAB radio. I cleaned and tidied the little shelf above my bed, moved my mum's radio to James' room, and placed my little radio/fridge/dishwasher/washing machine/microwave (see Caroline's blog for a pic) and plugged it in. I need to peruse the instruction leaflet to see how I actually make it function as a digital radio..but at least I have got it telling the right time..... then later I read C's blog and discovered that she has also installed her identical radio in her bedroom! Great minds think alike.

Had the most stressful dog walk ever yesterday when Jill and I were so busy talking that we lost our dogs. Sophie was found walking home - having crossed a busy main road - and Harry was picked up by a nice lady who bought him home by car. How Sophie didn't get killed going home on her own I will never know..the same wonderful good fortune that preserved Laura on the two occasions she ran into the road as a tiny tot. Actually..three....someone was really looking after her on those occasions. I was feeling so very low yesterday, like things can't get worse. After I was reunited with Sophie, I thought, someone is telling you to count your blessings..appreciate what you have got, instead of what you haven't..and your lovely, loyal, licky, waggy tailed dog is one of them.

Not having a good time..

..not a good time a the moment..I'll spare you the details..prayers and hugs please...and the news tonight, about the baby killed by its parents..I know I'm not allowed to talk about my work..but many of the families I work with are vulnerable..and they do cause worry...when do you pass things on, when do you wait and see, when do you take action, when do you over-react un-necessarily, when do you not do enough....volunteers come and talk to me, quite rightly, and the buck stops here.....thank goodness it's the weekend, I need it...and next weekend especially so!

Chocolate, tea and bobbing....

I have come home slightly early, and am curled up on the sofa with a cup of tea, a bar of whole nut and the two women bob on the TV. Almost as exciting as the curling! I definitely have hibernating, squirrel like aspirations until at least May.....

Slept well last night, sheer emotional exhaustion! Woke in the early hours to go to the loo and what was playing in my head? 'If I were a rich man' sung by Topol, from Fiddler on the Roof. I went to see Fairport Convention on Friday, have been listening to their album in the car.....and that is what my head plays at night...so very, very bizarre. And the dreams, don't get me going on the bizarre dreams I have...

Was co-facilitating some workshops today at a conference...had to run the same workshop 3 times. I walk in, and who is sitting in my first workshop but my bereavement counsellor who saw me for a hour last night being a complete emotional wreck! Excellent...sure she is just as surprised to see me!!!

Was a good day. Feel I have earned my early finish and sofa time. Any excuse.....

Another anniversary...

Didn't go to work this morning. Decided I needed some 'duvet' time and also rang C to wish her well for Salisbury and probably made her late in the process. Sorry! Wished my dad a happy birthday and looked at some photos...rang my mum's sister in Bristol who, on hearing my voice, said, This time last year we were with your dad eating cake and celebrating his 80th! We were..and he was asking what we were doing there, and when were we going to go home and leave him in peace....

I was on the phone nearly an hour, we both cried a bit, but we talked about mum and dad and past memories. I realised that is what I needed..no-one here is really able to talk about them, so I don't..and I needed to know I wasn't the only one keeping them in my thoughts. I think I'm not doing well, but I went to work this afternoon and then to bereavement counselling, and my counsellor reassures me I am really doing very well! So that's all right then.

I did something positive yesterday. We are free this Easter, for the first time in four years, so I have booked a little hotel in the country, for me Clive and Sophie dog to get away and do some walking..I actually made a decision and booked it! Shropshire, here we come! (Well, in April, anyway...)

Oh how I laughed.....

This picture on Caroline's blog made me laugh, because I was just about to blog about my DAB radio..it is identical! I was given it for Christmas by a friend, not a million miles away from where I live (mmm..must speak to him about the 'near bottom of the range' comment...cheapskate).

I had no idea what the gift was except the card said it was something to help my sleepless nights..as I started to open it, and take it out of the box - watched by fascinated children....the side came out first, white, with this circle in the middle...a very small washing machine. For washing my smalls in the middle of the night when I can't sleep. No, said James, it's a dishwasher.....no, it's actually a microwave for heating midnight snacks..... we all ended up with tears rolling down our cheeks..it is really white and plastic and we could not believe it when we realised if was a DAB radio. The top loading washing machine lid is actually for top loading CDs.

I have to admit I haven't yet installed it in my bedroom, which was the plan..I haven't worked out how to use it as a radio, but it does a great quick wash.....(miaow..)

Caroline, get it out of the box..it is so entertaining..we can both own one, and Liz.......what are you waiting for?

Oh, the swollen eyes.....

I don't look good this morning. (Do I ever?) But did so much crying yesterday my eyes are more than puffy, practically closed over. What was it about..complicated..lots of things..my excuse was that it was my mum's birthday, she would have been 81, and tomorrow would have been my dad's birthday. At least we celebrated his 80th last year. But I have done a year now, and i tought it was ok..... maybe it was hormones, that's another excuse, maybe I was mourning something else..a life I want but can't have... I was alone all day and that was ok, I like my own space, I had things to do..but the well of sadness got deeper all day until when I let myself cry..I couldn't stop, and I thought I would never stop..I had to go with it, but the more I cried the more sad I got, mourning all the losses and wanting something/someone who can't be there for me....

James rang to say he was coming over in the evening, and he knew from the short phone call all was not well. Next minute Laura arrives, alerted by an emergency call from her brother, to make me tea and sit with me while I cry. I really wished he hadn't called her, I didn't want to ruin her weekend - or anyone's, but she was lvoely and stayed for ages and talked and listened and tried to understand my sadness even though I can't explain it... then James arrived and we had more tea and more hugs..Laura left the room for a minute, happy in the knowledge that I had stopped crying and was better, but when she came back, humming happily, she found her brother crying....her little face!!!! James still doesn't know what to do about his relationship, ahd had a week off work to 'think' but is no further forward, except more unsure, more guilty and more upset.

You know me, I love to entertain, keep people happy, I'll do anything for a laugh, anything, so I scored 100% by showing them my new teeth...well, you have to laugh, otherwise you'd cry......

By the time Clive came home in the evening from hard day at an exhibition, he found us busy, me lighting the log fire, and James and Laura off to buy food and rent a dvd for a cosy family evening in. They came back with a film Laura had chosen, she thinks she saw it once on a plane, a romantic comedy, so we all settle down in front of the fire with our chinese and pizza and watch 'The Perfcet Catch'..... which is set in Boston, so it is full of places James recognises and has been to with H.....and it's about a couple whose relationship is on and off until they get together in the end in spite of all their differences...'Good choice' I say to Laura, as we are painfully aware James has watched stony face throughout. (Watching his face and Laura's face during the film was entertaining...... ) Still, it gave us something to giggle about.

Sunday morning. James has brought me breakfast in bed. Time to get up and shower, bathe my eyes and face the day.

What music do you play in your head?

I wake up during the night or in the morning, and there is music playing in my head. Not the music I have been listening to during the day, but random songs. For instance, recently I had Away in a Manger playing, then the next night it was Kathy Kirby singing Secret Love (which I haven't heard for years): I wouldn't mind but I had been listening to an Art Garfunkel CD in the car. Please tell me if it happens to you, and if you have any idea where these random tunes come from......

Quiet night in tonight, been searching on the internet for somewhere to go and stay over Easter, with Sophie dog (and Clive!) to relax, walk and have a change of scene. So much choice, so many decisions, it's been hard...

Looking forward to tomorrow night. Taking Rosemarie to the Arena to see Fairport Convention, one of my favourite bands..after we have been out to eat first, of course. I need a distraction - James is having a very hard time, but is being very 'blokey' and has had a week off work and is not communicating with anyone..maybe he needs this time to think, but he is very low and upset, and it's hard not being able to do anything. Prayers and thoughts and good vibes are needed - not to make sure he makes the right decision, how can we ever know what that is - but the decision which seems right to him just now, but may be very hard and painful to make.

Don't you just hate it when that happens?

I worked hard on that blog. Put my soul into it. And added a picture. Press publish - all gone. Sorry, just couldn't be a***ed to write it all again. In brief: went to nice Italian restaurant with Laura, ate lots, then went to cinema (no room for chocolate...) saw Memoirs of a Geisha. Enjoyed it. The end. I think I wrote something about the film, atmosphere, music, role of women in society..blah blah, sorry it's all gone.

Curled under a duvet on the sofa late Sunday afternoon with a bar of chocolate and a cup of tea and watched Forget Paris, a romantic comedy starring Debra Winger and Billy Crystal. It was lovely.

Then cooked the large joint of beef bought in the rain a the farmer's market that morning. It was off. Oh the smell. felt quite nauseous while it was cooking..didn't help when the dog puked on the carpet just before I served up. The roast potatoes were nice......

Tonight- oh tonight - went with friends to a concert at the Alban Arena. I knew I'd hate it, but hell, what else to do with Valentines' evening? It was more dire than I can tell you. A Viennese Strauss evening. It finished early. It's only redeeming feature.

And God has found a way of making sure I diet. A way to make sure that I only eat if I absolutely have to. And even then it will be soup. I can't tell you what it is, but I am being punished for a lifetime's addiction to chocolate.

Seen the film, didn't read the book.....

not a bad week....

..considering I was really down on Monday and cried through most of my counselling session. But I bought the most wonderful fish and chips after, for my tea, and watched Life on Mars which made me laugh out loud......I love it.....

Tuesday evening I had a training session at the theatre with all the crew. I had worked on Sunday, arranging the lighting for the afternoon Tea Dance, which involved climbing the tallescope to change gels in lights up on the ceiling. I'm not frightened of heights, I don't mind actually being up there, it's more the climbing up and down and getting in and out of the railed platform at the top I don't like. Still, having focused the lights, I was able to then plot them on the lighting board and make the floor look pretty for the Oldies who would come to the tea dance...and satisfy the DJ, who is at least 85, and very fussy about his lighting!

The training session involved discussing health and safety procedures, back stage security, and learning how to tie various Useful Knots in lengths of rope. I was chuffed to realise that I learned the knots quicker than some of the younger male tech crew members, and was helping them to master them. I felt a bit like a scout leader! After messing about with some dodgy speakers, and standing round trying to sound knowledgeable about what might be wrong, it was 10 o'clock, and the whole crew retired to the pub for a beer. Except the sad, oldest crew member who went home to bed, a coffee and her book..I know I should have joined them, in the interests of being sociable...but my warm bed was calling....

Last night I ran the second session of my current Parenting Programme with parents young enough to be my children!!! and then today I went on a Child Protection training course. Can't believe it, ate my lunch with a police officer while we discussed the details of a recent baby rape case......unbelievable on all counts..

Rounded the day off by meeting my friend R for an orphans outing which involved coffee and shopping. Not as much buying as I would have liked, but we did try.....

The home for beans on toast and to watch an old episode of Judge John Deed I had missed. Splendid.

Sorry about the peace and quiet....

..but there are folks round here who have been much worse than me at blogging! Some people haven't blogged since Christmas! Come on back, I miss you.......

I know, I haven't blogged since just after midnight on Tuesday..originally it was because I was busy, but on Friday morning things went downhill and I lost heart to blog....looking on the bright side, it's my first bad days for a few weeks, and they are bound to happen now and again.

I shouldn't be down, I have such lvoely friends, such as the very lvoely Caroline. I was in work on Wednesday when a man delivered a big box, and I elbowed my way in front of my secretary in a childish 'I want to open it' kind of way, although I suspected it may only be stationery, I love opening things and I lvoe stationery,..but then I saw it wasn't addressed to the company, but me as an individual. So I started to get more excited, cos I knew I hadn't ordered anything..what could it be....

There was lots of lvoely bubble wrap and then boxes wrapped and tied with yards of pink ribbon..from Wh*tt*rds the famous coffee company...three boxes, containing a variety of lvoely goodies in purple tissue paper...de-caf fruit teas, de-caf fresh coffee, a mug and marshmallows, and a box of hot chocolate, chocolate biscuits, and chocolate flakes. And a card saying..'Sleep well, love Caroline.' By this time the office was a sea of bubble wrap, wrapping paper, ribbon and tissue paper, and came in thinking she had missed my birthday! Ho, it was just a happy Wednesday present. Do I feel guilty cos all I got C for Christmas is another sodding giraffe........

So I promise not to feel low and want to hide in bed (I didn't get up til mid-day on Saturday!): it sounds really, really stupid I know, but I have had so many years of having to go to Bristol, now that I have my life back, I'm not sure what to do with it. Before, I didn't have to think....I just did. But while I am thinking, I can have the most gorgeous cup of hot chocolate with real chocolate flakes on......

Out and about......

What a busy bunny I have been. First, dog walking with Peter and Jacky on Saturday, followed by tea, biscuits and a good chat as usual. Then, Sunday morning, I decided to go to church. No pressure, so it was my decision. It was ok. Then home for a coffee followed by a dog walk with Jill and Harry (Jill being my friend, Harry Sophie's young boyfriend) in the sunshine - a cold crisp but beautiful afternoon.

Then, amazingly, like being invited round to Buckingham Palace for tea, we got an invite to Laa and Mec's for afternoon tea, which was very pleasant, haven't caught up with them in a while.

Sad news on Monday from James, who is having a rough ride at the moment, love life wise; he and H are 'having a break' to think, and there is great upset on all sides. I have done a bit of telephone counselling, and have also texted H to offer support as I am trying to be caring and not take sides. On the plus side, James has been offered another year's contract with H*bit*t and apparently has a mention for one of his designs and a name check in this month's W*rld of Interi*rs magazine. Y'all rush out to buy it now!

Tonight Clive, Jill, Ian and I went to see Robert Lepage's new one man play at the Barbican, 'The Anderson Project.' Amazing. What an imagination. What creativity. Makes me feel sluggish and lazy. In one of those amazing coincidences, in the restaurant beforehand I bumped into one of my dramatherapy tutors from my Post Grad more than 10 years ago. We said hello and moved on. The Barbican was packed out - hundreds of people. When the lights went up at the end of the show and we turned to leave, the same tutor and his partner were sitting in the seats next to us, I hadn't realised. Small thing, but how incredible, really???

The play was two hours without an interval. It was riveting, stunning. And yes, I still managed to have a little sleep in the middle......

About the diet...

On Monday, which was a good day, I said I was going on a diet and giving up chocolate. Caroline said she gave it til Wednesday. Clearly she over estimates my willpower. It lasted until Tuesday, when I had a bit of a bad day. I had chocolate biscuits. Wednesday I had chocolate cake (not my fault, they put it out for lunch on my training course) and there were chocolate buttons on the table too (I do hope the others didn't want any) then on the way home I was incredibly sleepy and I had to pull off and go and buy a coffee, and somehow a couple of packets of M&Ms got into the bag.

Thursday I bought petrol and a bar of Cadbury's Dairy milk crept in, and on Friday the lovely man who gave me the chocolate orange last week gave me a dark chocolate bounty...now they are very hard to find, but when we do, we know the rules..we have to buy a couple. I ate it in the car before I got home.

Today, Saturday, I popped out for bread and dog food, and somehow an iced ring donut came home with me.... come to think of it, this diet really isn't going well, is it?

If I am not going to be a new slim me, then I have become a new slightly red/auburn me as I was bored this morning and dyed my hair.

Sorry, I will try and think of something to make my blog more thought provoking/arty/political ....hang on while I have a chocolate biscuit and think about it...

Such a busy week.....

Work is so busy. Not enough hours in the day. Was on a training course on Weds, an hour or so up the A1. I was - unsurprisingly - acutely conscious of the speed limits. It made for an irritating drive. All the way the speed limit varied between 30 and 60 then unrestricted - not actually sure if that still means 60 on an A road, or 70?? - but it meant I was constantly slowing down or speeding up, sometimes just for yards, one minute 50, oops now 30, oh this bit 60, and so it went on. I seemed to have a queue of irritated drivers behind me who all then overtook me on the slow bits. Should I have a notice on my back window saying 'Sorry, but I have 12 points.' Er, perhaps not, on reflection, it might make me a bit of a target for bored policemen... on the other hand, that could be fun.....

Finished the day off with a finance meeting which finished at 11.30pm. Which meant when at a meeting yesterday afternoon, during a fairly boring presentation I was nodding off.... I was alone last night, (just for a change) so changed into my jim jams and curled up on the sofa with a large coffee, a packet of digestives, the dog (yes I broke my rule about dogs on the sofa. I needed a cuddle) and watched...um...Hotel Babylon. Oh dear...then, being sleepy and very sensible - Caroline do you hear this - being sensible went to bed at 10.15pm. Went to sleep. Woke at 1am, 3 am, 5am and finally 6.30am when I gave up trying to sleep. Think I am suffering from night starvation....

It went like clockwork!

Yes, it went fine. Clive and I went early over to the charity in Hatfield and dropped the desks off. Yesterday morning I didn't know what on earth to do with them, the suddenly both were wanted, and Clive and I cleared them out of the office, put up new shelves, and there I was at 10 to 9 on my way to the office, bright and early, ready to clear a space for the desks which were due to arrive mid-morning - I asked the company to ring and give us half an hour's notice to make sure we were ready!

As I approached the roundabout towards town, looked right and what did I see but a certain Audi coming on to the roundabout to go straight across in front of me, headed towards the station. Given that the Audi driver knows my little silver polo well, I felt sure he would see me, I waved, and thought, hey what a gentleman, he might even let me across the roundabout first! As I pulled out, so did the Audi, at speed, so I braked hard and got a sideways look from the driver that said, 'My right of way I think' as he sped off towards the station. I stopped waving. Funny, I had been feeling happy til that moment. Now I felt very small and ignored. Not recognised. No space in someone's busy life. I felt really tearful. Now how stupid is that? And I had been doing so well for quite few days now. The incident has grown in my head all day, as a metaphor for my life......

Anyway, I pulled up outside the office, and there sitting waiting for me was a nice man in a white van come to assemble two desks. So much for mid-morning with a warning phone call! I ran around moving stuff and making tea (as you do) while he carried in piles of boxes of wood and desk bits - by the time N and M-A arrived the office was a sea of assembling parts, and we had no choice but to stand and chat cos we couldn't do any work!

I had meetings this morning, but all afternoon I spent unpacking my bits and files and in-trays and trying to be tidy. M-A loves her new desk and shelving and was happily re-arranging all day.

By 4pm I was flagging and desperately tired and feeling strangely sad..I had such high hopes of my new desk, but somehow it seemed..well...an anti-climax. Well, I was tired, I had worked at the office all the previous evening, and been up early...goodness, I felt I had earned an early night, so I bid M-A farewell at 4.30pm and headed home for a long, hot bath, and a cup of tea and a few biscuits, followed by a snooze on the sofa.

There I have lain all night, with the dog, (I broke the rule about doggies not sleeping on the sofa, but she is so warm and cuddly....) She slept, I watched 'Crocodile Dundee.' One from the past!

I returned Sophie's devotion by a late night walk round the block, on a gorgeous misty, clear frosty night. We both enjoyed it.

Oh, I left someone a voice mail earlier, saying, 'You're not very observant are you?' He rang back later. 'You weren't the one in the silver VW who tried to cut me up on the roundabout, were you? Sorry, didn't see you, I was running late for the train.....''

I am so excited.....

..really I am...we are getting new desks at work tomorrow! I have ordered two new desks, one for me and one for M-A, big oak desks with right hand returns on, to give us more working /pc space. Sounds impressive but they are basic and not too expensive, and the man is coming to build them and install them tomorrow. As someone for whom the prospect of a new book or new pen is almost orgasmic, then a new desk..well, the earth will really move.

Clive and I have spent the evening at my office (we know how to have fun!) putting the old desks in his van to take to another charity in the morning - I had the brainwave of e-mailing round this morning as I didn't want to dump the desks, and ten seconds after sending it, this charity rang and asked to have them..Result! We have also fitted shelving on the wall above M-A's desk so that files and books can go up there, leaving her more work space. I even washed the wall as it was looking grubby. I am so good to my staff!

I put an extra shelf up in the meeting/training room and reorganised all the files in there, so it looks neat and tidy. Tomorrow I shall attempt to do that in my own space, and keep my new desk clean and tidy. Goodness, I do like this new burst of energy and tidying and organising mood that has come over me! Perhaps it could even extend to my house.....

Took a bowl of my home-made vegetable soup to Rosemarie to have for her lunch (and chocolates for after) and had a bowl myself, with a brown bread roll and no butter. I have to confess to eating a large piece of Christmas cake with my cup of tea while watching Neighbours, but I have had no chocolate today. Oh sorry, I promise not to become a diet bore.....

Must go to bed..only one sleep and it will be time to go to work and take delivery of a new desk..oh, did I mention that?

Well, it had to happen.....

Yes, it had to happen sooner or later. Reality check. Trying on bras in M&S yesterday, in a mirrored changing room...not a pretty site....stepping on the scales this morning and realising I am just a pound or so of my all time high...trying on clothes for work and not being able to do them up..seeing Sunday Style on TV this morning instead of going to church (James and Hilary's fault...) seeing people doing things with their lives, taking control, exercising, controlling what they eat, losing weight and feeling a whole lot better because of it.

Someone telling me that with the amount of sugar I put in to my body am at risk of diabetes. how true..my dad got that in later years...together with a wish to get the old Sally back, well as near as possible, the one that had energy and enthusiasm.... feeling this weekend as last weekend, the strange feeling of really not having to go to Bristol to see my parents or clear the house or actually have to do anything..and what I am choosing to do is sorting stuff out in the house, washing, cleaning, ironing, cooking nourishing meals, making soup, walking the dog...all part of cleansing and moving on. Controlling my diet and losing weight will be part of that process. Won't be easy, but it's not possible to live on chocolate and biscuits for ever and like what I see in the mirror..nor is it healthy. So this is me reclaiming my life, finding out who I am again and choosing what I want to do.

Just at this minute it is to go to bed with my coffee and read the Sunday papers.....night.

Tap and unwrap..yeah, right....

So I am prepared to leave work, on Tuesday, drive home, finish packing and get a cab to the station to get the train to Bristol. In the morning however, I speak to a certain person on the phone who tells me he will be driving from North Yorkshire to St Albans, by mid day and he will happily give me a lift to the station. Fine.

About half past one he rings to say he left later than planned, (surprise) but will be back by three thirty latest, he just has a half hour conference call from 4 to 4.30 but will be in plenty of time to take me to the station. Hmmmm. I say, if I haven't heard from you by 20 to 5 I will call a cab, otherwise I will miss my train. Fine, he says.

I leave work, finish packing, make sure I have all my paperwork for court, driving licence, train tickets, and realise I am starting to get quite stressed about the whole thing. It's an added stress worrying about catching trains and crossing London and catching connections....

Anyway, half past four come and goes, twenty to five comes and goes and by now I am stressed and fuming, I really don't need this kind of support. In desperation I ring his mobile and he answers, saying cheerily, 'I am on my way!' I slam the phone down and five minutes later am still stood on the pavement with my bag and at ten to five he arrives. 'Hello,' he says happily getting out the car.

'I said if I didn't hear from you by 20 to 5 I would call a cab. How did I know you were even back from Yorkshire?'

'Well I am, I finished my conference call just after 4.30 and here I am, what's the problem?'

Screaming mad lady: 'Yes, but I didn't know that. If you don't let me know how am I supposed to know you're not f*****ing late as usual? I really don't need the stress.'

So we drive to the station in silence, me trying to calm down, him wondering what he has done wrong exactly. 'Sorry' he says quietly. Then, 'I bought you a chocolate orange to eat on the train .' Damn.

So anyway, the chocolate orange story. I put it safely in my bag, where it stayed til I got on the Bristol train at Paddington. I sat by the window, opposite a lady and then a man sat next to me. (Note..we were all doing Sudokus. How sad is that!) I had a bottle of water and my chocolate orange. That would do nicely until 7.30pm when the lovely Caroline would meet me and we would go out for dinner.

I quietly unwrapped the orange. Mmmm it smelt good. It was also slightly warm and therefore kind of stuck together. I tried to prise a segment or two apart with my fingers. Failed. Got slightly sticky. Tapped orange lightly on chair arm. Failed. Tapped harder. My fellow travellers looked at me. I popped the orange back in its paper and returned it to my handbag, not wishing to look desperate. The journey continued. I could smell the chocolate. After a while I got it out again and had another go. Solid as. Rummaged frantically in my bag, hunting for a nail file. Nothing. Put orange away again. It doesn't matter, I'll be there in a hour, I can wait.

Time passes. The chocolate orange smells amazing. I start to get a panic attack. I have chocolate with me I can't eat. It's torture. I consider sending abuse text messages to David, this is all his fault, why can't he just buy me a large bar of dairy milk? No, he has to be bloody clever and buy a chocolate orange.

I consider my options. I'll stand up and ask everyone in the carriage if they have a pen knife. I'll ask the man to move, squeeze out and walk six carriages to the buffet car and get a knife. I take the orange out and look at it. I consider if I can just try and cram it into my mouth in one go, will the lady opposite notice? The man gets off at Swindon.

I get the orange out once again and this time I can't wait. There is a tiny hole in the top where the segments meet. I get a roller ball pen out my bag, take the top off, and stab the orange with the point. I stab again. The pen sticks into the orange. I put it on the table and bang it down..and miracle, the pen is forced into the orange and a couple of segments come away. They go into my mouth...just the two...

Later that night I offer Caroline a piece of chocolate orange from the half that is left. 'You only ate half on the train?' she says. 'I am so proud of you, what willpower.'

'But Caroline,' I say, 'I only opened it five minutes outside Bristol...'

So much chocolate, so little time!!!!

Yesterday was a real chocolate day. I know I need to lose weight, but not yesterday. I needed the comfort! I have stories to tell you..as always, but I am a bit tired. Yesterday was an emotionally draining day! The important thing is to tell you that I have kept my licence..the court decided not to ban me but I do have 12 points on my licence..so I have to spend the next three years being oh so careful!

I was in court at 10.10am and it was all over by 10.30am. It was a far more emotionally draining experience than I had anticipated. Hence the need for chocolate. I actually left the court house to walk into the centre of Bath to find a nice cafe in which to collapse with a large coffee and stop shaking. However, I came across the Cadbury's Cocoa House!!!! Well, it might as well have had my name on the door! I went upstairs to the restaurant (spying the shop downstairs for later) and ordered a Classic Hot chocolate, made with liquid chocolate, non of your powder rubbish and after a tussle with the menu decided on rich chocolate cake with ice cream. I sat in the corner, as befits my friend Winnie the Pooh who always took elevenses into the corner to look after them.... I didn't say anything for a while...the lovely people even give you a spoon so when you have finished drinking the hot silky smooth chocolate, you can eat the chocolale sludge that is left at the bottom of the mug...

I have to say that the cake was like eating thick chocolate concrete, and I couldn't finish it. But I spent the time happily calming down and texting all the people who had texted me good luck to tell them the good news! I asked for the bill and was about to leave and my mobile rang and it was Liz, ringing for a very quick chat. Half an hour later and all the cafe knew about my court case! As I finished that call I had a call from Rosemarie, and I had been there so long it was time for another hot chocolate, so I ordered another! I was there ages but needed the time and space. As I was leaving, I saw the couple next to me get their order of toasted sandwiches. You mean you could order real food????

Then I saw a mum with two small children who had order a huge platter of chopped fresh fruit, and it looked gorgeous..strawberries, melon, apple etc etc..and it came with a pot of melted chocolate to dip it all in! Now that's the way to eat fruit!!!!

Tomorrow I will tell you the story of the Chocolate Orange.....