I lvoe you all....

You are all very kind and lvoely people for your hugs and prayers. Rachel, all the way from Tennessee sent a Blue Mountain card e-hug, which was lvoely - and before you tell me off any more, I did ring Liz on Monday to chat, when I knew I was 'on the way down' and she did a fantastic job of cheering me up without even knowing it!

And I did text the lvoeyl Caroline for lvoe and support when I went to bed, and she did offer to ring and chat, but by then I knew I was overtired and emotional, so didn't want to talk, but a few texts while dropping off to sleep were very comforting.....

Strangely enough, today was better, but did involve a couple of long telephone conversations in between family visits, which were painful (the conversations not the visits...) but have cleared the air and normal service has kind of been resumed..resulting in a lot of silly texts being exchanged and general amusement, which is far better than miserableness!!!

I even went to the annual church BBQ and had a sausage in a bun and trifle and was actually quite sociable, which I couldn;t have done at all last night. Isn't life strange! Part of my depression is the fatness, I am a strange shape now, and am so conscious of it, I really ought not to wear the same short t shirts, a change of style would help, and I am going for another scan to make sure it's nothing else! But tonight C said I was looking pretty, which is almost a first, I must get it in writing.....

I read Stuart's blog today. He said he is not sure where the line is between public and private stuff when blogging..in my case, it would be a phrase well know to Liz, I know where the line is, and it's just behind me!!! I do share such a lot of private stuff, I probably shouldn't, but hey....

Oh, I know what I was going to say: my social work student on her placement with us, is coming to the end of her 3 months, and she was saying today, 'Sally, I can't believe your social life, it's amazing!' I started to say, no, rubbish I never go out, but I realised that recently I have been to Cheltenham, the theatre in London twice, Kate Rusby, out to dinner with Rosemarie, Steve Lawson twice, and tonight the church BBq. Is that so amazing???? Suppose it is a lot.

I first met this student as a client, she had a volunteer for a while a few years ago, so I wanted to have her on placement. of course I am her Assessor, and am responsible for her training and evaluation while she is here. I do try to be professional so that she can learn Good Things from me. But while I was working at my desk this afternoon, surrounded by silly cards about chocolate and smacking people, and wild, coloured fluffy pens sticking out of a pot, and one with a tigger on the end, and on the shelf behind me eeyore and friends, and a quacking duck and a vibrating cow, she suddenly says, 'I've had my eyes opened working here..I thought Sally was such a serious, sensible person, and now I realise she's completely mad..' Oh dear, rumbled again. Got to write her final report next week.....

A real dip, I'm afraid....

I have been dipping for a little while, but struggling to stay afloat....found the weekend hard....then by yesterday was really down, and ended up last night by having one of those solitary dog walks (thank God for the Wick to walk round) and thank God for Sophie, where I just cry and cry and can't stop. I sometimes ring a good friend, sometimes I feel I don't want to impose myself in that state, and last night was one of them. The kind of feeling bad which makes me want to reach for the two boxes of anti-depressants I have unused in the draw, but I really don't want to go back to them, they won't change anything. I came back and just told C I didn't feel well and went straight to bed. When you are in separate rooms you have private space to cry in..but it can be so lonely.....

The day wasn't helped by several e-mails from Hilary, James' ex, which upset me, then a phone call from her apologising for upsetting me, which made me cry again, and she said, don't be upset, I am ok, don't worry about me, I am over it, I am really ok, don't cry, I hate your son now...I tried to make her understand that it was not all about her, I am sad about everything that has happened, that I can't deal with this stuff at work, and I don't want to hear that she hates my son....she said oh, sorry.....

I saw DC after work and had laptop conversations among other things, and I was in a bad place, so it wasn't fun, and I wanted to just cry, and tell him about HIlary, but somehow I didn't, and I didn't tell Clive later...but save it to tell a computer, how sad is that......I guess because I know the bloky response wont be just to hug and elt me cry and say nothing..there will be comments and opnions which I didn't need....

Anyway I have to keep the laptop now cos I have been so busy at work..I haven't blogged about the meetings this week, too many people in the office, too much pressure which hasn't helped. Just meant I didn't have time to do anythign about the laptop, or do the list of office keyholders, or ring a GP, or the family, or 101 other things on my to do list.

The laptop thing is a genuine misunderstanding. In his enthusiasm DC thought I had asked him to order me one. Of course now he is hurt that I don't want it, and feels if I keep it I will just resent him every time I look at it. No, I said, I'll grow to lvoe it in time....he said he would pay the difference (I was only planning to spend £600-£700) which was only fair, but as soon as he offered, I said no, thank you, I'll pay it all....I have some pride..I think...

We spent some time doing stuff like setting up internet banking (I nearly wrote internet bonking, sounds more fun...) and while he was talking techie and helping me set up various e-mail accounts, I was thinking about life, and J and H, and wanted to cry...but didn't..maybe there would be a chance later to talk about it, as we has said we both had the evening free..

Then H rang his mobile and reminded him he was late for a church meeting they were both going to....and so he said, sorry, I thought we'd be done by now, and went. Why didn't he say?

So, time for my solitary dog walk....by the way DC doesn't read my blog, so don't say anything, OK?!!!
.

Scary, scary. scary...

As you know, sometimes Liz, Caroline and I buy each other silly presents....secondhand penguin soap dispensers for one. No, really....mutant giraffes, chocolate of all shapes and sizes..silly pens..it goes on and on...the present buying is sporadic and unpredictable....

At the weekend I suddenly decided to buy some silly things to send through the post to each of them...and they have been on my dining room table ever since. Well, only three days or so, but I must get round to posting them.....imagine my surprise to get home from work tonight, to find not one, but two envelopes waiting, one from Manchester, one from Bristol, and both containing not dissimilar things....silly greetings cards, stationery items..and..well I picked them all up and took them out with me as I was going to meet Rosemarie for a meal out and a catch up gossip. As we were about to have our coffee, I said, oh, look what I have brought to show you, my vibrating cow! (Reaches into bag and brings out small mutant coloured cow that vibrates when you pull its string. Thanks Liz..) Rosemarie nearly chokes on her coffee and looks round the restaurant to see other diners looking very interested. 'Sally,' she hisses, 'Could you say that more quietly..' 'Look' I say, 'pulling its string, do you want a go> have a feel..' Rosemarie puts her head in her hands in despair..I think she has a hangup about vibrators, don't you????

Thank you, thank you...

Thank you to all who have responded to my laptop debate..it's amazing, I have 9 responses, and what I e expected was feedback from pc geeks who would give me techie advice on the pros and cons and get into a real tech debate/..instead there has been a deafening silence on that score, with a largely female response on the emotional side, which is of course, how I will make my decision..and a logical argument consisting of the spooky co-incidence of the verification code saying 'keepit' or something similar. Thanks, that is sooooo helpful......and of course I am so easily swayed by that kind of logic.

Of course DC has no idea that this debate has been going on, so the fact that Liz did not walk up to him at GB tonight and say, 'Oh nice laptop, do you think Sally would like one?' is probably just as well.....

Busy day today, last volunteers training session, so lunch and photos and certificates, then volunteers' supervision followed by a finance meeting followed by personal supervision and support: when asked, 'Are you stressed, any issues to discuss?' strangely I had one.... I had a twenty minute break when I went for a walk, at 6.40 oh there is a world outside the office, then I had my annual appraisal.

I know I shouldn't cos you'll all think I'm egotistical and vain, but it is nice to be told, officially, that I do a good job, that I manage the staff and volunteers well and the scheme is so successful and people are committed because of my character and the way I do things. That is so affirming. I do something right. Oh no, they will all start resigning tomorrow, I have committed the sin of pride...

There is more in life...

Thank you to those who have joined in the lap top debate - I appreciate your support and interest. Just as an update, I kind of want to send it back as per Caroline's advice, but I am tending more to the 'go with the less stress option' of Liz, and keep the damn thing cos it's on my knee as I type. And it looks ok to you, doesn't it???

Anyway, it occurs to me reading back that you would think laptops were all that was going on in my life (sorry, dodgy grammar) but really, I have fitted other things in as well!!!!! Like work, every day, all day, except for Tuesday, but you know all about that, and I got the front bedroom sorted.

Friday was a stressful day at work, just really busy with too many people in the office, and I was feeling crap, mainly I think, from a hot, airless week in a small office, I was feeling muggy and needed to eb out of there! So I left early and met Rosemarie for a swim, which we haven't done in weeks, I only did 12 lengths but the water was cool and gorgeous and my headache bagan to fade. Timing was everything, a quick swim, shower, dress, coffee and chat, (Rosemarie and I have not caught up in weeks, our holidays etc got in the way, so she insists on booking dinner with me on Tuesday evening cos she reckons there is so much gossip to hear - mine not hers - (she should just read my blog!)) then race home, have 20 mins to change into new flowery skirt and pink jacket (hooray, I can get them on!) catch train into London to go to the theatre with Clive, Ian and Jill.

WE go to the Donmar Warehouse, a theatre I absolutely love (oh this laptop can spell!) to see Derek Jacobi in John Mortimer's A Voyage Round My Father. Tis an excellent play, well done: about Mortimer's childhood and his eccentric father - and mother too, played by Joanna David, of course it makes one reflect on one's own childhood....but all that was ok, I only had to breathe hard and not cry at the end when Derek Jacobi as the father died on stage, in his old age, struggling for every last breath, a little too convincing....

Anyway, I held it together and it was a wonderful, wonderful evening, after the play we went out to eat, and amazingly enough I chose a lovely meal!!

Saturday, I had domestic goddess things back on the agenda, in the spirit of sorting the house out, I wanted to take my old mattress down to the tip and replace it with the one that has been leaning against the bedroom wall in Clive's room, it is a new mattress which I bought for James when he moved to Highgate and he never paid me back but since January he has had Hilary's mattress and is keeping it since she is going back to the USA, so I am keeping his, with me so far?

I booked an 'odd job man' with a van big enough for removing mattresses, for 9.30am, he turned up at 9.40am, not too bad for him, and we struggled with the mattress downstairs, into the van and off to the tip. We lugged it out and up the stairs to the big mattress eating machine, lobbed it over the side and watched it get eaten up. Back home, and I and told Van Man to get home to his gardening duties, cos I was off to meet Laura for coffee and buns in St Albans and go Mec birthday shopping, which amazingly took all day! So I had fun in between pc crises.

PS: don't tell David I called the Discovery a van....

Dada! here it is...

This is what he bought: an X60 TV04 Samsung core duo 15.4" widescreen...shiny high resolution screen....cost £1,000. Why the tears? We spent Thursday evening side by side at my dining room table loading all the software. The main problem for me was the high resolution meant the text was crystal clear - but tiny. I just couldn't see it very well, but didn't like to make a fuss. I already had a Bed Feeling.

After DC went home, at 1.30am, very excited about his purchases, I went to bed and continued to try and make sense of it. I chose extra large fonts, I expanded icons, I chose large control bars, everything I could, but still documents were coming up a fraction of the screen size and I couldn't read the text. I even tried going into Accessibility and ticked the 'I am blind' box (they have one, really, I felt embarrassed to tick it, just another feature of getting old - didn't want to admit it to DC cos of course he could see perfectly.

I went to sleep at 2am..waking at 7.30am and trying again. Couldn;t read the ntl home page, or blogs: what was the point of the large screen? Tears started to flow. I felt stupid. Here I was with a laptop I didn't choose (or ask for, but let's not be ungrateful....) which was going to cost me £1,000 and I couldn't f****king see anything, I cried more.

I went to work and wondered what to do. I decided the only thing was to bite the bullet. I took my mobile phone outside, suspecting I would get tearful, and didn't want my team to see. I rang DC who was at home happily chatting to H and transferring files. I explained I couldn't see the text, got very weepy, and he said, 'I thought as much, I was going to ring you later and explain about how to decrease the resolution, that will increase the size of things. I thought you weren't happy.' Now he tells me. But I ask him to investigate returning it just in case.

The situation now is: I reduced the resolution, and yes, documents are larger and so is the text. I can see stuff. But I am not bonding with the machine, I am not sure. I need advice. There is a 7 day returns policy. I have a super duper machine with loads of memory and all sorts. Mec made a face when I said Samsung. When I said widescreen. Shiny. Yuk apparently. I told him the amazing spec, and he said yes, but you don't need that for what you do on a pc. What if I got a good Acer, like the Travelmate I have for work which I like? He says I could get a good one for what I need for about £700.

Should I send it back, save some money? Should I accept I have it now, and get used to it? How do I get into these situations? Why don't I know what I want? Clive just said, keep it, David's paying for it. No, I said, I am. Oh, he said, I thought David was buying it for you. Oh, I wish. So, what should I do? What are the advantages and disadvantages, boys and girls? If you know, or care, and have an opinion either way, please let me know. Of course Mec just thinks I should get a good Mac, no other choice in the world, and buy an Ipod with what I save. Not sure about that, cos I am used to PCs..but I am prepared to keep my options open....

What happened next?

(Bit of information..while DC was in the office, he gave me a sample business card he had produced on the pc -Blue Peter style, 'here is one I made earlier..' and the file on a memory stick so I could find a printer to print us a thousand. Remember this.....)

I got into Hemel and the road I wanted but no industrial estate appeared where it should have. I drove a bit. And a bit more. Ended up in the middle of Hemel and almost out onto the M1. Lost. Now only 30 mins before courier closes....I pulled into a layby and looked at the map on the printed card...(have I mentioned the contact lens saga? No, well I have new lenses, and the vision is a bit of a compromise, and mostly ok but small print is a problem...remember this...) well the map is so tiny I have no chance of reading it or the road names, and of course I never have reading glasses with me...but there is a phone number..I will ring and say where the ***** are you. I ring..it is a recorded system for the courier....a national system...bugger..I press all the right buttons to talk to the right people and then am asked to put in consignment number..I insert it into the key pad..please let me speak to a human...I am then asked for the post code of the delivery address..I insert my office number..the system fails to recognise it, try again..bugger bugger they think DC's house is the delivery address don't they?? Rage and frustration erupts as I realise I don't know DC's bl**dy post code (why would I? I just know where he lvies) so I give up on the phone call, that's wasted 10 mins of my life and time is ticking away.....

I ring DC who has only made it as far as Harpenden and is stuck in traffic. I ask him for the number of the Hemel depot, he panics and can't remember it, he pulls over and starts to open his laptop to search, then suddenly remembers it will be in his phone as he rang them earlier. he gives me the number, I ring and a nice girlie talks me through heading back to Redbourn, and yes I had been on the right road, but the industrial estate isn't off it directly, you turn up a tiny unmarked country lane, Cherry Tree lane, and yes, there it is, so WHY THE f***** DON'T THEY HAVE SIGN TO IT???? Oh yes, writing this blog is bringing the stress back nicely...

I get to the depot, 10 mins before closing and stand in line with my card. Stress is calming, I have made it and all shall be well..I am brought out of my dreams by the sound of Blokey saying, to woman in front, 'Sorry it says clearly on the card, further ID required. Sorry I can't release your parcel.' He indicates a large notice on the wall with the words, 'Driving licence, passport, utility bill required.' Woman in front looks fed up, the trouble is if he refuses me my parcel I will probably kill him...I have one customer space of time to be calm and work out how I blag this. Because blag it I will. I am not leaving without this software.

I have my driving licence but of course it is my name and address, and their deliver address is DC. I have nothing. It is my turn. I hand in the card and Blokey goes out the back to fetch parcel. I remember the home made business card DC produced earlier and have it in my hand ready, together with a long argument of how they have messed up, I have waited in all day for this, I am not leaving , get the manager, do you know who I am etc etc. Blokey comes back with parcel. 'ID please'. I hand over the business card and open my mouth to challenge refusal of parcel, and he says, 'That's fine, it's a business address.' and hands over the parcel. Mouth opens and shuts. Sally leaves before he checks ink isn't quite dry on the home made business card. You know, it shouldn't be that easy..I might complain about the lack of security.....

I ring DC and declare myself the winner..he has made it as far as Luton and is stuck in traffic. I am on my way home, arriving at 6.45pm. David arrives back an hour and a quarter later!!! 8pm!! With laptops.

I am exhausted recounting this story..why on earth don't I just say, 'After a few problems, DC and I have the laptops and software.' Wouldn't that make life much easier? And my blogs less detailed.

Well, I'd like to say 'And they had their laptops and they all lived happily ever after.' But if course, it is not a simple as that...there were tears..if not before bedtime, certainly next morning.....

The laptops saga continued.....

Can't believe some of you are actually interested in this, but I've started, so I'll finish......

N has Thursday off, leaving me and MA in the office, working, and expecting delivery of laptops and software. DC rings about 12.30pm, on his way back from Northampton, to enquire if they have arrived. No. Would I like lunch? Yes. He arrives in the office and I ask MA if she is happy to wait in if we go out. Only polite, since this is a personal delivery and therefore she is doing us a favour. Normally she eats a sandwich in the office (unless I take her out!) but today she says her son is coming to have lunch with her. I agree to be half an hour only, and she can go out on our return.

This arrangement works, except that at 2pm I am due at the Council offices for a meeting about my next year's funding. Groan. I tell MA not to rush her lunch, and tell DC he must babysit the office and wait for laptops. Only fair...so he sits at N's desk working at his own laptop, happily, while I go out. I tell him, as you would small child, not to touch anything, not to answer the phone or the door (unless laptops of course!) til MA gets back. He agrees.

At 4pm I come out of the meeting losing the will to live - small office, hot and humid day and two hours with no air conditioning....and text DC for an update. Not here yet, he replies, shall we put the kettle on?

Good God, I think, he is still in the office, poor MA had a lot of work to do...I race back to find DC happily making three cups of tea, I apologise to MA for having company all afternoon, and say I hope he hasn't been a nuisance, misbehaved or anything (yes, I sound like his mother!!!) and she says, no, it's been nice to have the company and anyway now she knows all about landrover engines...oh dear God......

I declare that as it is now 4.15pm and there is no sign of a delivery, that DC gets on the phone and chases it up - most of our deliveries arrive in the morning, and I have a suspicion something has gone wrong. Good idea, he says, and gets on the phone, and soon I am trying to talk to clients, volunteers etc on my phone will David sits at the next desk having loud 'Do you know who I am?' conversations with stupidlaptopshop.uk..it turns out laptops have been despatched from one place with one carrier, and the laptops from somewhere else with another. Two phone calls later and the awful truth emerges..both carriers have been given the invoice address instead of the delivery address, so they have tried to deliver to DC's home address....cries of 'I don't believe it' and 'gross incompetence' and 'You will pay for this' and 'I want this delivered right now' and more 'Do you know who I am?' fill the air and MA and I stop even trying to work and watch, impressed as DC demands service, compensation, heads will roll...and gets nowhere.

So he gives up and goes home to check for delivery cards, MA goes home for a lie down, and I wait in the office just in case....David comes back with two cards, showing that the software is at a depot in Hemel Hempstead and the laptops up near Bedford.....time is of the essence, so I offer to help, and take the Hemel card (it's nearer) so we synchronise watches and head off to pick up our respective parcels....you'd think it would be simple.....

It's all about consumer choice....

I suppose I had better finish the story..are you sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin. I get a call from DC on his way to somewhere on a train, NY I think, and he says he has researched laptops and found the one that fits exactly his requirements...we were gradually forming a list of 'must haves, which included weight..must not be too heavy, ie preferably under 3kg, and with a biggish high res screen, core duo, etc etc, so at least he had something to go on. He admitted to me that he had done a spreadsheet, with a list of requirements, reasons and comparisons..well, whatever keeps him happy....

I have been thinking for a while of buying my own laptop: I bring the work one home all the time now, for personal use, and would like to take it away to use (ie GB) with a clear conscience. Also all my personal files are on Clive's pc in 'his' office, and my e-mails are on that pc, and we always want to use it at the same time. My own laptop would enable me to have everything in one place, be completely portable, I can put all my music on, and generally be independent. The bonus is that I can afford my own laptop now....

So I said jokingly to DC, maybe he could get a discount for 2: he said he would try. I said no, I wanted to see what he was ordering and I would think about what I wanted from a laptop. He was ordering quite an expensive one!!! and I probably didn't need such a high spec.

Anyway, two minutes later, I get a text saying, 'His and hers company laptops ordered, delivery tomorrow (Thursday.)' Oh. That'll be that then. Hope I like it!! Is someone impetuous or what? I get carried away with the enthusiasm, and become excited, well you know how bad I am at making decisions, at least it is done for me, and I'll have to pay £1,000 for something I've not even seen....

A bit of negotiation goes on re where to deliver, DC is going to Northampton, but someone will be in my office all day, so I agree to take delivery... Quite straight forward one would think, but no.....

Day Off continued....

As breakfast carried on and we talked more, I started to try to explain the exploding computer brain stuff (see my recent blog, No Wonder): the problem is the more I try and talk about it and attempt to make sense of my emotions, thoughts and feelings, and I feel the person listening is trying but not really getting it, I wind myself into a downward spiral of hopelessness, and ended up sitting with my head in my hands in despair. I think after what seems like an hour or more of this, DC was pretty despairing too! The lvoely Caroline rang in the middle of my ranting, but sadly, I decided I couldn't take the call right then. Sorry, babes.

I just kept saying, lets get on with the paperwork, the bank stuff, designing our business cards, I need to snap back to reality or I will never be able to climb out of the hole I am falling into. We get into doing that other stuff, and by the time we are ready to go to the bank, building society, PC W*rld etc, it is 4pm and 5 hours has gone by. 5 hours! What do we find to talk about? I probably took up 2 hours in personal therapy, what a waste, nothing changes and now there won't be time for a trip to the Waffle house for a Bannoffee Waffle and a banana milk shake. My own fault.

After bank and building society stuff, we head to PC W*rld to look at laptops, we go to their business centre where David seems confident they will be able to help us. i think not. Two girlies don't even know how to use the software to search for suitable laptops. They say there is no way to do a comparative product search. They print off a spec for one laptop and I see on the printout a button saying, 'Find similar products.' I point this out and they squeal and go, 'Oooh, where did that button come from, we haven't seen it before.' I show them on the screen and they press it, and lo and behold, a list of comparable laptops. 'Have you had any training on using this system?' I ask wearily. One girl just looks at me and the other giggles in a slightly embarrassed way. We are there for hours and DC still can't make up his mind. So we leave,
armed with print outs and I tell him he must do research on-line on the way up to North Yorkshire again today.

As we are driving home to St Albans, from Stevenage, via Staples in Watford for some photo print paper, I realise it is gone 7pm and we haven't eaten since breakfast. I am quite peckish, so we drive into a McDnlds drive in and get two large vanilla milkshakes. Mmmmm. Thick. Cold.
Satisfying. Driving home, top down, wind in my hair, all in all I have had fun today. Do I have to go to work tomorrow? Really, must I????

I remember a work report I should have done, so work on it from 10pm until midnight, til my eyes are drooping..well I have been awake since half past six!!

One Day Off - not enough....

I could get used to this...I don't have enough time to potter and 'be'... Day Off started with dog going manic at 4am and needing to go out. I took her downstairs, she took her time wandering, came in, had a drink and a biscuit and we went back to bed.

Then Clive came in with a cup of tea, as he usually does (about 7.40am). as I tried to wake up, sit up and look interested, I realised it was only 6.30am, the time he gets up. What??? I say. 'Well, I heard you get up with the dog (4am remember) so I thought you might like an early tea, as you were awake.' Err..no I wasn't, Dur. But as I want to appear grateful I drink my tea and even manage a little conversation to be friendly.

I get up on time, hang out washing, put some more on, and empty book cases in the front bedroom as I am moving them to be on one wall: I dust them and proceed to put all the books back..in alphabetical order. I just lvoe doing that..like with my CD collection. However, I have a dilemma, I like it to look neat, so generally I have books of the same size together. Sorting them alphabetically means the sizes are varied, I am trying to come to terms with this....I even sort a few books (just a few) to take to a charity shop.

Just at the right time (amazingly enough) DC turns up for business meeting and I say, 'Good, I have a job for you upstairs.' 'Oh' he says, eyes lighting up, until he sees it is helping me carry James' (unwanted) chest of drawers upstairs to go against the chimney wall, in place of one of the book cases. Ooh goody, extra storage, and I even hoover and dust a bit more. Clean spare room, available for guests.....

DC has guessed I haven't had breakfast and brings yoghurt and croissants round. Lvoely, I say, and still feeling like a domestic goddess, pop down to the kitchen and make a cafetiere of fresh coffee, and pile a tray with coffee, warm milk, croissants, strawberry jam and lemon curd.

We take the tray into the garden and sit at the lvoley garden table, to enjoy breakfast in the sun, well, under the large sun parasol (once we got it up...) It is all very Country Life. Happily we begin to chat and I open the vanilla yogurt, which, as I peel back the lid, sprays me liberally with the contents, and I sit, yogurt spattered, in my hair, on my arms, and down my chest. DC collapses into a complete heap at the sight, before coming out with the one liner..'Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realise I was that excited!' As I wipe it all off, I say, as I am often heard to say, 'It doesn't happen like this in the films...' Me, sophisticated? Not a chance.

I recommended the lemon curd to David. He tried it. Once he had scraped all the green mould off the top, he said it was very nice. Day off...to be continued...

No wonder....

No wonder I get tired (although I am sleeping really, really well...) no wonder the IBS is back...no wonder making small talk is too much for me, can't be bovvered...my brain is thinking, thinking, thinking all the time. Can't switch it off..about how I feel about life, what is good, what is bad, what can I change, what can I do, how can it be different: sometimes it is ok, sometimes I am happy (ish) sometimes I am full of such pain I cannot describe it..well actually I can describe it, it came to me last night after Kate Rusby, when my stomach was churning and my head felt swimmy with thinking...

I feel like a computer or robot (like HAL) who is programmed with two conflicting instructions which it cannot make sense of because they are not compatible -kind of 'You must' But I can't' 'But you must' 'I know but I can't' until the little robot brain overheats and explodes or spontaneously combusts....that kind of mental pain......

There are no answers, only questions. Sometimes those questions consist of the meaning of life, other times they are of the 'Where is my handbag?' 'Where is my purse?' 'Where is my phone/chair/dinner/ insert anything I probably had it taken this weekend.... nothing to worry about, if you weren't there, let me reassure you that this was fiends (oh sorry, did I miss out the r?) in the pub on Friday night, having fun. Yes, having fun. The best bit was that I got so confused with things disappearing one by one, and then my chair, then once I recovered that, I didn't actually notice that my dinner had gone - I just saw Stuart in complete hysterics, and crying, and me going 'What?' and them saying, are you missing anything? and me saying No..then someone saying, 'Finish your dinner' and going..b*St*rds.

I have so many lovely friends at the ops weekend, it is such a joy and privilege to meet up with them. (Pause..only I could finish one para with B*St*rds, then begin writing the next in complete sincerity and not see the irony......)

But I do mean it. I lvoe you and love spending time with you all.....and tomorrow, yes tomorrow, I will take the day off, as a training course I was going on has been cancelled..I will potter, hang washing out, tidy a bit and look for things I have lost, but also hopefully, have a Board meeting with my fellow SAND director..and maybe have a trip to PC world,..or Office World for supplies..oh joy oh rapture. may be look for company laptops.....

He went on his first business trip today as an employee of SAND Consulting. I rang him on the train and told him he could no longer travel 1st class, (unless I go too) and had to have a sandwich instead of the full 1st class buffet car three course meal on expenses. Hah. Welcome to the real world, pal.

Warm and sleepy...

That's me this bright, sunny, Monday morning. Back home from GB Ops weekend at 6.15pm (how did lunch go on so long???) and out by 7pm to go see Kate Rusby at the Albans Arena. Was a lvoley way to end the weekend..when i got home I was sooooooooo tired I was in bed and asleep in minutes.....more later..oh do I really have to get up and go to work now? A day off to myself, to potter about, lie in the sun and recover would be another great way to end the weekend..oh no, Monday, volunteers' training day, got to get up and go train some people.....zzzzzzzzzz

The week has got better.....

It certainly has, thank you for all your prayers and lvoe. Work is busy, though of course I can't talk about it, but training new, enthusiastic volunteers and visiting families who need our help and matching both is humbling and rewarding.

Tonight N, my colleague, had a fund raising evening at her house, called 'The Pampered Chef'' which is a do like a tupperware party where someone cooks nice food, and we all get a bit, and also admire the kitchen equipment and buy some. We were all crammed in N's dining room and me, Rosemarie and Mary Anne were on the back row, which just encourages naughtiness. I have bought an expensive chopper. I'm sure it will be very useful. We also had a raffle, and I'm sure we will make some money for the charity, so it's all for good.

Went to the Noke hotel this afternoon to meet up with Nicky and DC for a cup of tea, and gate crash their 'meaning of life' conversation. After N left, our business papers were signed, and headed paper designed, and our informal business of the last 10 years or so has become formalised - after two meetings with our accountant (RA) when DC and RA talk important business jargon and I make tea and try and look intelligent, and not give business women a bad name. Want management b*ll*x, training, assertiveness, stress management, facilitation, dramatherapy, sound or lighting, event management - we're your man.

The strange timing of the day, and early morning blogging meant I had no breakfast, lunch or dinner..I am sitting up in bed with a coffee and a large packet of Minstrels. How naughty am I?

Have you heard the one about....

.....the guy who tells his mate that his wife's credit card was stolen. 'Oh no,' says his mate, 'That's dreadful, have you reported it to the police?' 'No,' says the guy, 'I'm going to let him keep it, he spends less than the wife.' Ho ho.

You know where this is leading don't you? The phone bill I have been dreading just came in..you know what? (No?) Less than normal. Thanks, whoever took my phone, you're not as bad as I thought.....

Came home from work slightly early last night - a meeting I was at ended early - and L who is leaving bought us all Green & Black chocolates, so not such a boring meeting, and I got a tissue out and pretended I was going to cry (see earlier blog for explanation) which made us laugh, so then I thought, go back to work or go home and watch Wimbledon, so I did, but via a shop which sold M&Ms, so I came home, but sad person that I am, checked blogs and e-mails first, then made a cup of tea, then sat down to watch the tennis and caught the last two strokes of the Agassi match, which upset me, as I lvoe Andre to bits and would have his babies, even without the pony tail and earrings he is gorgeous - those eyes - sorry I missed it, so I drank tea and ate nearly a whole family packet of M&Ms and felt sick and went to sleep and missed Andrew young Scottish guy winning his match, then at five to seven Clive came in and woke me up and said 'What's for dinner?' and I went to walk the dog cos the thought of dinner made me feel unwell again, and I walked and rang someone I knew driving in a car so they wouldn't fall asleep, and said I had all this energy and I couldn't sit still - I even kicked a football back to a gang of lads and they cheered! and I explained to driving friend - who was trying to drive in peace and listen to nice music, tough - about the M&Ms and he said it sounded like a sugar hit and I said he was probably right, so I walked home and Clive had cooked the chicken stir fry with black bean sauce cos he was hungry and tired of waiting, so I sat and ate most of it, but couldn't finish it so the dog got some nice bits of chicken..and I said thank you for dinner that was very nice, and Clive said would I like a yoghurt, and I said no thanks but you have one if you like, and he said I will, so that was the conversation over for the evening and we watched TV and I fell asleep til it was time for bed.....

Bed time is for reading the paper, doing Sudokus, reading blogs, playing the marble game and generally enjoying my own space until 1am which is silly cos then I am too wired to sleep, but then I read my book for a bit, which is by Nick Hornby, can't you tell my writing is inspired by him, only not so much bad language..bloody hell, I had better get up I will be late for work now....

Good morning, Christopher Robin....

Eeyore is feeling a bit better this morning. Thank you for affirming comments on my blog. I want to be grown up and confident and 'ok', and in so many ways, I really, really am: at work I am The Main Man: I am a good manager of staff and volunteers, a good trainer, supervisor, I care about people and they talk to me about their problems and tell me how easy I am to talk to, and thank me for what I do..I feel valued, appreciated, and have good self worth.

But it's funny how in other areas I feel so undervalued, and misunderstood..I mean a certain organisation asked for help in managing volunteers a few years ago. I responded, went to the office, had a meeting with the Volunteer Manager, discussed volunteer management, wrote a report after making some suggestions of changes they should make..and heard nothing more. In some ways, I was ahead of my time...three years or so later, they set up a Volunteer Development Group..but am I asked to be part of it? No. They hold Volunteer workshop days and pay an outside facilitator lots of money..and come up with strategies I had suggested three years earlier.... am I bitter? You bet! Cos it feeds into the bit of me that is so insecure, and the feeling that some people don't 'get' me. (Katie, you haven't met me, it's ok not to get me!!!!)

Stupid things..I wasn't going to mention, but now I have set off down this self destructive path....looking at a certain blog of pics of a crowd of beautiful people in a pub in London...you can see everyone as clear as a bell..except me..you can see the back of my head behind Laura...is it just careless photography..or is it deliberate?????

I am so glad I have friends who do get me. The good things to have come out of the last couple of years of hard times is sharing and opening up to people, in person, via text, e-mail and blog, is that I truly feel I have made new friends who really like me and 'get' me, and that means so much to me...

I didn't share a whole lot of the Iona experience, except that I cried a lot, but friends were really there for me, specially my room buddy, thank you,and new friends too, like P and E, and Martin - now there's a new friend worth a mention - Caroline and I nearly had a date with him in Bristol, but maybe next time.... then S, once I had got to Cheltenham, and shared the lvoley John Bell's talk with me (I asked him where my mum and dad were. asking JB is the next best thing to talking to Jesus in person...) and S was able to his caring, student minister thing, and try and answer my questions and heal my hurt....it has helped so much..then after my recent 'where are they now?' blog, K has sent me some lvoely lvoely long e-mails with her thoughts..and even spent time on her retreat praying for me - now I feel Guilt about taking up time on Her Retreat...). I am very, very blessed and should be always grateful...

The plus side is that people turn to me for help in difficult times. I am great for organising distant emergency accommodation in times of stress!!!

Split personality..

Yes, that's me. Three in one. Oh, that sounds familiar. Hang on a minute, that's wrong. Recount. Four in one. Always have to go one better, me.... Normally I am Winnie-the-Pooh, bear of very little brain, but always up for a little something..I used to tell people that was about chocolate, but now I am not so sure....must be my age, the hormones, or something....anyway, sometimes I am Piglet, a small but well-intentioned loyal friend who loves no matter what....then sometimes I am Tigger, very bouncy and full-on and probably annoying, I know....

But this week I have had an Eeyore week. Definitely. Not Much Smiling. Cold, lonely field. Sadness and such. Not Much Fun. (A comment on the state of mind more than anything.) Lack of self worth. I know, I shouldn't rely on other people to give me that, it should come from within....but it doesn't help when you go to a guy's gig - twice in a row - and it's not worth a mention: then you promote it to a friend, she turns up and hey - it's special! And I even bought a CD. TTch. Self esteem - on the floor. With the thistles. And Tiggers don't like thistles.

Have tried some deep, searching talking today, with a Good Friend. He was late which really p*ssed me off, why does the optimist in me expect otherwise? Because to make the effort to turn upon time would really do my self worth good. Do you know, there are no answers, only more questions?

Anyway - good stuff. Saturday - lunch in the sun with Jacky and Peter - I can't believe what I texted Peter on Thursday and offered to give him for his birthday - good job he knows I was joking - and Jacky. Sunday - another morning pottering and cleaning for Laura and Mec coming over, and James bringing a friend from work...he texted me today to thank me for behaving and not being embarrassing..what can he mean?? We watched the footy, shouted at the telly, ate and drank loads then had a barbecue after. Hey, let's do it all again on Saturday!!!!

I know some people say if you don't have anything meaningful to say on a blog then don't blog. Say less, reflect more.

Believe me , I spend my every waking moment reflecting. Sorry the results are not too brilliant. I am only sorry I had my good phone pinched - at least then you got good pictures. Oh, I'll find a random one to put in to break the monotony.

Feeling quiet...

Haven't blogged since..ooh Thursday morning I think, seems like an age. Kate Rusby has been replace by Steve Lawson, in my car CD player, and I am lvoing the music, I knew I would, but unsure the car is the right place for Steve's stuff, as it always seems to send me 'to another place' in my head..a good place, but not necessarily good for driving. I am drawn especially to track 6 at the moment, Scott Peck....which leads me to think is time to re-read that book???? Only problem is, the very low bass notes are causing one of my car speakers to buzz horribly, so another reason to bring in the CD and appreciate it on a decent system....

Have been on a bit of a downward spiral this week, struggling with thoughts and feelings which are quite difficult and I think use up a great deal of mental and emotional energy, leaving me tired and a bit removed from the planet, hence my (brief) blog silence.

Friday saw me and Clive, Jill and Ian head up to Sloane Square to see the new Tom Stoppard play, Rock and Roll. I knew I was not in the mood, and was unsociable I know, and slept on the train on the way up, and a bit during the play it has to be said! And on the way back. The play was good, hard work but with amazingly good music to take us from 1968 to present day, and to provide the atmosphere of changing political and social climate, both here and in Czechoslovakia. If only my mind could have connected with it a little more....

Spent some time alone pottering in the house today, and realised I need a bit of solitude, thinking and processing time. I am processing sadness, anger, confusion, wandering in the wilderness....I feel very angry and let down... but that is for me to deal with, and not for this blog..and it's half one in the morning. As usual, just me in bed with my laptop....how sad is that......

probably unwise....

...but I'll join in anyway and do the I'm Sally, who are you game? I am safely tucked up in bed after coming back from London having been to Steve's recycle Collective gig with Laura. Darbucka's is a lvoely venue, the food good, the atmosphere chilled and the music excellent..though I have to be honest and say the evening didn't float my boat as much as last months...however, it is all relative, and I have Steve's new CD just waiting to be popped in to my CD player in the morning.....

Anyway, as I was saying (can't believe I'm doing this...) I'm Sally, who are you? (To answer, copy and paste into comments).

01. Who are you?
02. Are we friends?
03. When and how did we meet?
04. Do/Did you have a crush on me?
05. Would you kiss me?
06. Describe me in one word.
07. What was your first impression?
08. Do you still think that way about me now?
09. What reminds you of me?
10. If you could give me anything what would it be?
11. How well do you know me?
12. When’s the last time you saw me?
13. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn’t?
14. Are you going to put this on your blog/journal and see what I say about you?

A record!

2346 this morning! Yay!!!!

Oh no....

Been playing the marble game..now it's gone midnight. Addicted already. Don't understand the scoring though......

Approach with care....

Feel in a bad mood tonight..everything's annoying me..my hair, needs cutting, fringe too long and irritating...new soft contact lenses I was given to try out are just not working..can't see well at any distance and that is irritating me.....abandoned them and this morning and tried another new set of soft lenses, different make. Vision was better, until trying to watch football on TV tonight, and my lenses felt dry and it felt like I was looking through fog..so I took those out and resorted to vari-focals, which somehow have got bent and are uncomfortable to wear - are you getting the picture? Thought about going to bed at 9pm, but worked at the dining room table with one eye on the football, only that was also annoying with Clive tutting and muttering...

I went out to the kitchen just before the end to make coffee and missed Sweden equalising. It sure annoyed Clive but doesn't make a huge difference re the next round. Having Michael Owen injured will. Oh am I sounding like someone who cares???? Nearly Wimbledon. Now you're talking.....

Never mind. Tired and hormonal. Go to sleep..yes, am sleeping the sleep of the blessed these days, just pass out til morning, lovely..then tomorrow evening, the Steve Lawson gig. Yay! Can buy his new CD. Yay! Um....referring to my blog a month ago, when I went to his last gig, think I was in a bad mood then... and the month before...regular as clockwork. Please don't let it put you off, Darren, I'd lvoe to see you. David has a church meeting to go to. Ttch. Can't get the friends......

A new day.. a new dawn....

Here we go.

All ceremonies done. Check.

Off the anti-depressants. Check.

End of bereavement counselling. Check.

Old mobile phone working and old phone number restored. Check.

Friends all around who lvoe and care for me. Check.

Had some good times over the last few days. Talking and eating and gossiping with Caroline. Trying out her new wet room shower with the most scary hole in the floor with a chomping, snarling vacuum pump which I swear will eat my toes if I'm not careful...... meeting Caroline at the Mall after the visit to my aunt, to while away the hours and delay the journey home. I sat with a smoothie and waited for C to join me after work, and was fast asleep at the table when she got there....we ate and drank and shopped and she bought nail varnish as well as lipstick!!! and I bought Converse trainers and nail varnish and flip-flops and earrings and I helped C choose earrings, deciding I would buy them for her as a present when she had chosen..so I took them off her, saying I was stealing them, and she said, give them back, I want to buy them as a present for you. Oh, no...now I have two new pairs of earrings!

Had a brilliant day on Sunday. Went food shopping with Laa-laa and Mec-mec - it's great to be around young love, isn't it! We had laugh, I do so lvoe my daughter, and they came over and helped do a barbecue, and Clive's mother came too, and we sat in the garden and ate lvoely food, and christened a chocolate fondue. Which tastes better dipped in melted chocolate? Strawberry or banana? Oh, banana every time....

We talked house move, wallpapering (will I wallpaper a wall in their bedroom with the very expensive wallpaper Laa-laa has set her heart on? You bet I will..sorry Mec..), weddings and wedding dresses and we read the copy of Living magazine Laa had bought and admired a H*bit*t stool designed by one J*mes P*tterson.....oh love him..I knew getting him to colour between the lines when he was little would pay off....

Tonight, when I left bereavement counselling for the last time, I gave Viv a bunch of flowers and a hug..and she was crying. I wasn't. Now there's a thing!

Change of subject....

Thank the Lord, I hear you say. About time....anyway, about m mobile phone being stolen. 02 have been so disinterested. Eventually offered the info that I could have a new sim card for £9.99 and stick it in an old phone and have my old number reactivated. Excellent. Since I have four old phones at home and I am not prepared to pay £279 to replace the one I have had nicked.

I go to Bristol and back phoneless. I hate it. I have become so dependent, I admit it. I miss the texts arriving, the calls, though when my phone is with me, I get sad when no-one texts or calls, how sad am I. Anyway, I get through the days feeling bereft and not complete without my phone.

I get home at 10.45 pm on Friday night (why? shopping and drinking coffee and having fun with the lvoley Caroline..the only way to end the day) to find the sim card in an envelope with an invoice and nothing else. No helpful information. I stick the card into a hopeful and freshly charge phone. The message comes up: 'Sim inactive.' How dare it be inactive? I smack it. Nothing. I look in the envelope for helpful info on How to make Your Sim card Active. Nothing. My anger and frustration grows. I go on-line to the 02 website. In the meantimeCliveie, who has waited up anI supposeoe thought I might talk to him, gives up and goes to bed. SorryI i just don't feel like talking right now, it's been a long emotional day and I can't replay it right now. I know I am tired and taking it all out an a defenceless phone.

I search the 02 webite. 'Sim card.' 'Inactive Sim card.' 'How to activate your sim card.' Searches bring nothing. I can't believe the lack of customer information or care. I want to ring someone and shout but it is now 11.30pm and all their lines close at 8pm. How dare they?

I eventually give up and go to bed, and wake at 8am sharp and sit up in bed and ring 02. After pressing various buttons and losing the will to livI i get through to a young man who listens to my ranting and says, 'Oh yes, you just ring us and we activate your card this end, no problem.' As I thought, I say, but why does it not tell you that somewhere? Lack of info in post and on website. If I ran 02 it would different, I can tell you. He listens and tells me he will pass on my helpful comments to his manager.

I calm down and say, ok, now just activate my sim card, thank you. Oh sorry, he says, all are systems are down for maintenance and won't be up again until 8am Monday morning. Would I care to ring back then?

Oh my blood pressure, the stress, I don't believe it..he doesn't know he is risking his life even from a distance. Excuse me while I go and knife something.....

Ashes to ashes.....

I sat in the pub garden where we had my dad's funeral lunch last year..a similar hot, sunny day. I sipped orange juice and waited for my brother and sister-in-law to arrive. Wanted this day to be over. A day of Closure. Time to move on. I feel quiet and reflective. My brother arrives, laughing, saying he had rung the funeral directors to tell them he would pick up my dad's ashes and take them to the crem. 'They said they had lost him! Couldn't find him!' my brother continues, 'You have to laugh, don't you?' I wish I could share his humour at this moment. A moment after I had driven to their house, on the way to the pub, and thought fleetingly, that they might be there, with the kettle on, and we would be pleased to see each other, and my mum and I would talk and laugh like we always did..instead there is a new front door and a garage where the car port was, and it's someone else's house. I want to laugh and share in the joke about my dad going walk about, but I just can't.

'Did they find him?' I ask, as we order sandwiches. 'Yes, I've got him in a carrier bag in the car!' my brother is jolly and laughing and sharing with his wife, it is his way of dealing with this and I respect it totally. It is one way of dealing with it..I wish I could..I try a bit.

We talk about the children and fill the time, then we have to drive to the crem to keep our appointment. We sit in the sun waiting for the man to come and do his bit. My brother takes out the carrier bag and shows me the purple plastic urn with my dad's name on. He keeps talking to it. 'Ok, dad, you alright? nearly have you there, back with mum, not long now...' It is totally bizarre, talking to a jar. He is not there.

As we prepare to follow the man t the small hole prepared in Lawn E, my sister-in-law gets two small bunches of flowers out of the car. I am gutted, I meant to but flowers on the way this morning, but competely forgot. My thoughts have been elsewhere. What kind of daughter am I? I have come empty handed. How could I forget?

There is a small hole on the edge of the lawn, nowhere near the tree where we buried mum's ashes. I suspect my brother forgot to tell them about that. The man, who is a gardener, stands next to the hole and asks us if we want to say anything. 'Some people read poems and all sorts.' We have nothing. We haven't talked about it. It's not his funeral, I don't know what you are supposed to do. We are not in tune, my brother being chirpy and matter-of-fact, chatting to the gardener, chatting to the carrier bag, while I am still and silent.

We ask him to do it. He tips the urn of ashes in to the hole. We stare in at the small heap of white ash. My brother leans over and talks to it. 'There you are, dad, you're ok now, mum's just over there by the tree.' He is pointing. I stand with tears falling down my face, sobs welling up, I cannot talk to a pile of ash in the ground, this is not my dad. I want my dad here. My sister-in-law gives me one of the bunches of flowers and I try to hand them back, saying, no, you bought them..but she makes me have them for my mum.

My brother walks to the tree and talks t the bit of lawn where we put my mum's ashes. 'Ok mum, dad's over there, you can call him, he'll probably pretend not to hear like he always did.' I smile through my tears, that's true. I go over and silently tell my mum that she has a nice place under the shade of the tree. We put the flowers in a little vase built into the little wall round the lawn, where we are going to have small plaque.

'In loving memory of Peter & Betty Bacon, 1925-2005.'

I think I would like to sit on the bench in the sun and think awhile, but no, my brother is thanking the man, and we are off, time to go. I am crying and my brother briefly puts his arm round my shoulders, and says, 'Come on, they are ok, together now.' I nod. Inside my head comes the constant question..where are they> Where are they now, if anywhere? Or are they just the ash, buried in a lawn. I hoped this day would bring closure, but there is still a way to go.

We drive to my aunt's, my mum's younger sister. The other two go in, smiling and chatting, my aunt hugs them. Then she turns and hugs me, holds me tight, and says, 'Oh, Sal, I miss them so much,' and she cries on my shoulder and I cry on hers. She holds me tight, and I think, thank you, thank you for understanding.

Goodbye. Always in my thoughts. I love you.>

Goodbye....again....

A year and a day since my dad died. Yesterday I went to work, made sure I had lots of families to visit and kept busy. Til a pause at about 12 noon..I thought for a moment..this would be the time last year when I was on the motorway and got the phone call...emotion overtook me and I fled out of the office and into the silence and stillness of the church next door. I thought about him. I tried to talk to him. I tried to pray. I thought what to do as the tears poured down my face. Tomorrow I will bury his ashes. Tomorrow I will say goodbye again..today, a voice in my head told me strongly, today you will not go for a walk, or go home, or sit alone in the church coffee shop with a sandwich..you will go back to work and get on with your job and help people who need you....get back in there...

So something made me buy a sandwich, go back to the office and make tea for the others..trying to stop crying...suddenly the door opened and in came L, a lovely guy who is a manager for anther organisation round the corner, I like him very much and he is always up for a cup of tea and a biscuit. I told him the jettle had just boiled and his eyes lit up. Oh, what timing, a chat with L is just the thing I need, thank you God for that, so I grab the chocolate biscuits and our tea and take L into my 'inner room' for a chat. We sit down. He is smiling, bless him he is always smiling. 'Glad I caught you, I just popped by to tell you in person I am leaving.' 'Oh,' I say, 'Oh, you're leaving.' I try to say something else, but the tears, only just held back, start to fall, and I am crying so hard...poor L, I start to laugh at the same time at the look on his face, and explain about my dad and the day...fortunately as we sit on a lot of committees together, he had been aware of all my absences over the past year or so and knows what has been going on, and he is the kind of lvoeyl person not to be phased by tears, and he just says, 'Oh your poor thing, you've had a tough year,' and we just chat and end up having a good bitch and generally being politically incorrect about life and people and organisations and funny things, and we have a good laugh.

I am so grateful for his visit, and apologise for bursting into tears at the news he is leaving ( he has a posh job in C*mbridge lecturing on a new course about partnership working..) and he giggles and says he thinks he will e-mail everyone else, and not tell people in person in case everyone cries...he will invite me to his leaving do..off he goes, and he has cheered me up.

I manage to settle down and do some work, but all day, as with the anniversary of my mum's death, I feel alone as no-one close to me seems to have remembered. I hear from no-one. I suppose not having a mobile phone doesn't help. Oops, sorry, double negative. At last it is 3.30pm and I head off home early to get ready to go to Bristol. I leave at 4.30pm. I listen to Chris Evans and follow the England match on his radio show, which is the best way to do it. There are traffic jams. It is bloody hot. Should I trade up for a car with air con? I stop at Reading services for a sleep as I am falling asleep on the motor way. Not good. I buy family pack of M&Ms as it is now compulsory on family-linked trips to Bristol. I stop at Membury for shopping. Forget milk. Blast. Road works. Arrive at Caroline's at 8pm. Bliss. I so need to be here.

Music, Life 'n' stuff.....

Reading some past blogs..other people's, not mine!!! Jude and Caroline were raving about TheFeeling - that's a band, not a taboo erotic subject..... (disappointing I know..like the session on Iona entitled The Manchester Passion not being about Liz's sex life..... aw...) I have heard that record too, and it was kind of growing on me. You know they played at Wychwood? But I think that was when I actually did an hour's work, and I missed them. But I saw loads of other good bands, as previously mentioned...so it wasn't all bad.....in fact it was all really good. A Festival with not much to do. No problems. All punters chilled and happy. Nobody stressed and shouting..(well a few people were, but they lived near the site and obviously weren't enjoying it...not to sorry...)

Anyway, on the music front, isn't Radio 2 a gem? Such a rich tapestry..woke up on Tuesday morning and listened to Wogan as I got ready for work. Chilled ballads, singer song writers, and he does make me laugh. Driving in the afternoon for a visit to a family and I catch Steve Wright who also makes me laugh, has fun guests and the best, the best Ask Elvis. Go listen to a pod-cast..... then driving home, Chris Evans - yes he makes me laugh, he makes me want to join in and I want a radio show again to have fun and play good music...

Then later, I drive to Highgate to take boxes to James who is having to move out of his flat. I turn on Radio 2: it's smooth voiced Desmond Carrington who is playing stuff from the 40s and 50s and suddenly I am listening to the amazing music my parents loved, stuff I was brought up on. I imagine the audience between Chris Evans and now has changed considerably!

Then at 8 0'clock, a new programme comes on..and the car is filled with the sound of the Mighty Wurlitzer from Blackpool..not Sandy whoever it was in the 60s, as I imagine he is now playing the great organ in the sky..but Richard someone..but the sound is the same, and so reminiscent of times gone by, I can't believe Radio 2 still has this programme!! But yes, Richard is reading requests from Brian and Edna..and I listen to an old recording of Mr Lloyd Webber (dad of J and A) playing the Mighty Organ from the Westminster Central Hall.....actually very beautiful.....

On my return from Highgate, a bit of packing done, and a visit to a lvoely Indian restaurant called.. wait for it..began with K..Kipling? No......it's gone..stunning restaurant, recently refurbished, wonderful food, staff, surroundings and the musical theme continued by a gentleman in full evening dress playing the grand piano...all songs I know and I diced with death by James if I started to sing along...... oh one of his designs, Spiro has just been awarded the Grand Designs Annual award fro the best garden piece...James missed the ceremony where it was announced or he would have picked up the award from Kevin in person!!! Look out for the publicity in a Style magazine near you.....do you think any journalists would be interested in interviewing his mother? I can show them some of his drawings from when he was 2, you can see then how talented he was.....

I was saying, on the way back, on with trusty radio 2, and it's mark radcliffe (I think..) with some amazing world music..it is 11pm, it is a warm but rainy night, he plays some good rocking music to drive home quite fast by..I find it hard to keep an eye on the speed cameras on the way home, as the roads are quite empty and I just feel like driving very, very fast.......only 2 more years to go before I get rid of my 12 points.....

Wychwood..yes it was good!!

More images for you..this time of the Wychwood World Music festival in Cheltenham. The big regret for me is that, having only stopped on the way back from Oban for two half hour breaks, which is not unreasonable, DC and I shared the driving made it by 7.30pm - it would have been quicker but we got stuck in traffic jams and road works, you know how it is - so we missed Seth Lakeman who was on at the unreasonable hour of 6.30pm - bother bother bother, I really wanted to hear him.

Anyway, the first pic is of Eliza Carthy with her Celtic Salsa band - they were amazing, what a brilliant set. Unsure who the evening pic is.....brain fade....but the weather was good, and being as how Front Desk was amazingly quiet, and main stage was only 30 seconds walk away (hooray, looking forward to GB!!!) I spent most of my time sitting on the grass enjoying some good music - or dancing of course! Peatbog Faeries were brilliant - Scottish rocky folky bagpipy meets Riverdance - I now have one of their CDs - good to drive to, didn't go down so well in the office, you can't get the staff, really.....I think my team should respect the boss's taste in music......

The last photo is me enjoying a bit of the late night silent disco..a wonderful event where you hear the music through headphones, so everyone is dancing and singing along, but to a mere observer, it all looks very strange. Not much atmosphere, could benefit from some ambient lighting like a real disco..you can see I took care dressing up for the occasion.....

Oh did I mention my friend Stuart..oops run out of time, more tomorrow.....

Just an aside..I nearly had my picture on pip's blog, caught drinking at a pub in london, unfortunately I am obscured by my lovely daughter, Laura, but I was there..I wonder if you have any more photos Pip? Cos it was about that time, a bit later, when DC and I swopped places and I was deep in conversation with Pete, that I think the b****** who bumped into me from behind took my mobile phone from my handbag. I now am without. I have lost all my names and numbers, having not backed up (ok, stupid but who does???) I have lost little meaningful texts I was keeping, not to mention special photos.... did I say b*******d? So, Pip, check your photos in case you case you caught it on camera!

Three more images of Iona....the first taken from Mull, I think of the ferry coming to get us. Not the ferry DC and I were booked on..famously, we took two days to get to Mull, stayed in a hotel one minute from the ferry, and still managed to miss it.....I kind of take responsibility..I had the tickets and was being the time keeper..not very successfully it turned out..but the bonus was it meant catching the next ferry with with our friends....one friend may tell of playing a little joke on us but not choosing the moment well. 'Not funny, apparently,' she was heard to observe drily.....

The second photo was writing found on the beach,,the interrupting cow had got there first....

Another tale to tell of the week, was the night I decided to down DC's whisky as I was growing tired of the adoration, worship and time this drink was taking up..I mean, it;s s drink for goodness' sake..I wondered what his face would look like if I just downed it when he wasn't looking and left him with an empty glass......it certainly had the desired effect..I just hadn't thought through the consequences of my actions.....

anyway, the last pic is of the fair isle and the Abbey as the ferry bore us away, early Saturday morning, to Mull, and a 12 hour drive from there to Cheltenham..more of that later...I must blog about Wychwood, because I have actually had complaints, especially from one Stuart who feels he merits a mention. Patience, Stuart, is a virtue.......

'Doing' versus 'Being'

The little puffins on the island of Staffa - so gorgeous, so funny, they are called clown birds - I had never given the creatures any thought, apart from the fact that they are the image of Puffin Books - I had never seen one face to face, so to speak. I will await the far superior images from the superior cameras of friends (I keep being promised..story of my life...) and when I get them, you will be the first to know...

The second picture was taken while I was sitting and thinking, or not thinking, rather just 'being', in the lvoley little garden at the front of the Abbey..the view is across to Mull. I had one or two conversations with a close friend about the merits of 'being' as opposed to 'doing' during the week. I thought it would be good to spend time without the distractions of work, a mobile phone (no signal) or a laptop, and spend time walking, talking, sharing, or just 'being' in the peace of the island. Wrong!! All other distractions were replaced with top of the range digital camera, so he was darting about taking pictures every ten seconds from every angle: during the pilgrimage, when the whole point is to walk, think and 'be', especially at the stopping points when there would be a reading, song and meditation: when I looked round for someone to share these precious moments with, he was gone, snapping at the view....now I know I will be grateful when he shares the resulting photos with me..but such a manic disposition did make me question (and so I made him question!!) could he ever, ever, for the good of his soul, stop doing, and just 'be'?

I discovered that Iona, for me, was a place to stop and 'be', away from home, work, family; a place to try and find myself, and God, if that is not much of a cliche.

This week has been a week of doing, back at work, lots to catch up on, bereavement counselling, where I took time to reflect on the experience of Iona for me - much needed time - and on Saturday, a long hot day on a stall on St Albans market, and supervising volunteers with collecting tins, for our annual street collection day. While everyone else was watching the football, I was selling second hand books and talking to people....did I mind? No, not at all. It was a peaceful if hot afternoon, until the match ended and the pubs emptied, and quite a few young men appeared to need to shout England's victory to all and sundry, while at the same time wave their sweaty t-shirts above their heads and reveal their sweaty bodies and tattoos to me. Too much information, really.

The day was wonderfully finished off by a summer's evening outing, with a friend with an open top car, DC, plus Chris E (front desk colleague) and Dave Sh (Info booth and good mate) for a long overdue evening out in a local pub garden, complete with river and geese and goslings wandering around, followed by a Chinese, and hairy ride home (I knew the sober person should have driven) with a few laughs along the way. Perfect.

Iona continued....

A few more images of Iona... the lvoely sandy 'town' beach next to the main 'town' complete with shops, pub, tea room and ferry port... someone taking a very serious photograph of a pebbly beach... then, on the last day, a list of words that summed up the week for the temporary residents of the Abbey commmunity...

I am finding it hard this week, I must confess, trying to readjust to normal life without my good friends around me to talk to and share and laugh with... I know the theory of handing it all over to God, and I am trying.... as a good friend put it yesterday, 'I just want you to be happy.' Oh, that's alright then, I'll just be happy then. Of course I want to be happy too.... Iona is somewhere where I felt times of peace, but it was also somewhere I could express my pain, and the tears flowed freely..sometimes too freely, but I just couldn't stop them... but friends new and old were there for me..people I knew put their arms around me, but also people I never met before, who just cared and lvoed me, not even asking what was wrong, but just recognising pain and just being there.

One powerful moment was at the end of the healing service on the Abbey on Tuesday, when D and I were the last to leave because we had been talking and sharing with Simon, the lvoely Iona community member who had helped to lead the pilgrimage that day, and the service. It was 10pm and we were leaving not to go to the pub (!) but the Taize service in the small chapel next door. As we walked through the Abbey, sitting there in the middle of the nave, on her own, was the lovely, lovely lady who had sat next to me in the first Communion service on the Sunday..the Abbey was nearly full and I had been separated from all my friends, and I felt alone and vulnerable. Don't forget I have not done church for a long time now, because I am really struggling with it, my faith, and not finding my church very helpful.....

Well, I just cried through the entire service, was absolutely in pieces, didn't know what to do, except I knew I didn't want to leave, what made it worse was I was on a bench in the choir stalls facing the other choir stalls, so I felt extremely visible and very stupid. As the time for sharing the peace approached, I was despairing, what could I do, I couldn't face anyone...As they announced the peace, the lady next to me just turned and put her arms round me and held me and I sobbed and sobbed into her shoulder and she cried too, and just held me until it was over. Then she held my hand for the rest of the service, and hugged me at the end and prayed for me.

I didn't know her at all, but D did as she was staying up at the McLeod centre where he was.

Anyway, on the Tuesday there she was sitting alone in the middle of the Abbey. We were hurrying to get to the Taize service, and I wanted to say hello, but not stop. But as we drew alongside, I looked at her face.'Are you ok, would you like some company?' Of course she wasn't ok, and yes she needed company, so D and I sat either side of her and put our arms round her. She cried, we talked and shared and just sat together, hugging each other and feeling God in us and each other. After a long talk where she shared her situation with us, and her tears, she asked if we could pray for each other. I was silent for ages. It had been a long time since I have prayed, I realised. But I eventually found the words to thank God for this lovely, warm, generous, lady, who had been right there for me when I needed her, and she thanked God for sending me and D when she needed someone.

She came with us for the last five minutes of the Taize service, and we sat for another half hour, with a few other people (including the lvoely Emma!! who I hope is a new friend) just sitting on the floor of this beautiful stone chapel, surrounded by tealights, singing the most beautiful songs, filling the chapel with four part harmony, and feeling the peace of God with new friends.

We were late to the pub that night. Very late. Now the pub is a different story, a different fellowship....a time of laughter, rudeness, laughter,drinking, talking, eating, more laughing and the walking home in the still not quite dark at gone midnight...... any wonder this week is a teensy weensy bit hard....??

Iona

Just some pictures to start......sea, space, peace, pilgrimage, abbey....more to follow....

Tears before bedtime.....

Was getting stressed at work today. So much to do, so behind, can't really afford to be going away for 10 days! But have been packing - oh I know I'll forget something!

Got more stressed, got cross, got upset, got more cross with myself for getting upset, then tonight went fast asleep on the sofa while Clive cooked dinner.... then later went asleep again while David Attenborough was educating me about climate chaos.

Why, oh why oh why did I write this morning's blog?? I knew I was tempting fate.....

Sharing the good times.....

I have shared the bad times on this blog (Oh, how she has shared the bad times, you are thinking. Sorry.) So it's important to share the good times as well.

I have weaned myself off the anti-depressants ahead of schedule. I have almost a month and a half''s supply left! But I have been feeling ok so just went with it and have been 'clean' for a week. My counsellor is amazed and delighted with how I am doing. We have just three sessions left, after Iona, to finish with one just after the first anniversary of dad's death. I am ok with this and feel really positive.

Do you know how good it is to come home from work, cook dinner, walk the dog and potter about and do things? I have hardly cooked in almost a year - C has come home from work and found me asleep on the settee, I wake and eat, go back to sleep and go to bed as early as possible, always by 10pm. I was permanently tired. I would wake up exhausted. For about the last three weeks it has changed. I actually have some energy back. I am not crying. I am back in control. I have been reluctant to say, because I can change so quickly, overnight it can all change and it is horrible feeling so out of control.

But now I am still awake at gone 11pm! I am going to bed later, and sleeping really, really, well. I am still having strange dreams, and dream about mum and dad being alive again on a regular basis. I see them in my dreams, but it doesn't upset me.

I hope, really hope and pray, that I am finding the person I used to be. Or rather, the person I am going to be now. I am looking forward to a break in Iona - but also nervous about lots of things (will I rememebr to pack everything for a start!) but I will be with Friends. Which can only be good.

I just thought I'd share that with you!

The importance of a comma.....

....I head for a bench seat in the far corner, with a good view of the stage and DC and I settle down with our drinks and wait....a good example for Eats, Shoots and Leaves, as Shaun kindly pointed out, the comma should come after the word stage!!!! Otherwise, as he suggests, I am getting a good view of the stage and DC. It reminds me of the sentence in the Bible where the shepherds (or was it the Kings?) arrive at the stable and find Mary, Joseph and the babe lying in the manger. My, that manger must be quite crowded......

I did say on my last blog, 'more of that part of the evening later.' It's amazing (sorry, post Eurovision use of that word is banned, I know) on how many different levels an evening out can work! As you read, on the musical level, it was Gold Star. A1.

On a social, relaxed level - well, pretty good. Silver star.

But on another level..what was going on just under the surface, unseen by the naked eye????

I was not in a Good Mood. I thought about not going, but given the history of me not making this gig, I was determined to go and let the good mood follow. I was already snappy with DC on the phone, who, having finally confirmed his availability to come with me, was being indecisive about when and where to meet. We finally decide on 7.15pm outside his office. So I get the train up, and the tube, then walk and I am there on time. It is cold and windy. Dust and grit blows in my eye and under my contact lens. I text that I am here. Mood darkens. I vow to wait two more minutes then jump in a cab. I am Tired of Waiting - not just this evening, but on every other occasion......

After 5 mins DC appears with a cheery, 'Hello!' We hail a cab in which I wrestle with the grit in my eye and the pain. I am not happy. (Note: wasn't I in a bad mood exactly a month ago, when we came up to the gig and missed it by one night? See blog of April 18th. Or 19th. Note to self, start taking Evening Primrose tablets again....)

Anyway, I say it how it is in the cab. About how just for once in his life, he could be on time. Out of courtesy. I let rip about his time keeping, his lack of communication, ability to return texts, phone call or e-mails. I get it all off my chest. DC goes quiet. The cab reaches our destination and I pay, on his discovery that the large wallet contains no cash. 'Have a good evening, guys,' says the cabbie, eyeing me quickly then looking at DC with a 'Poor sod, you have to spend the evening with her' look in his eye.

As previously stated, we find our bench seat, (after I have paid for our tickets)get drinks in and sit down. The argument continues. I continue to state my feelings, frustration, etc etc. DC responds with such a busy life, so much to do, so little time, he doesn't mean it, etc etc. There is a silence. We are not speaking. I look round at the lvoely room, take in the atmosphere, the music and the possibility of a good evening, if only..... 'This is getting us nowhere', I say, 'I'll order some food.' I get up, or rather DC half heaves me up as the seats are 6" off the ground and I'm stuck! and I go to the bar. I order a meze platter to share, close my eyes and let out a deep breathe. You know the sort of thoughts you can have in a split second?

This is silly, we haven't talked much in ages, this could be nice evening, let's not spoil it over silly things, DC is looking really tired, I know he is stressed and over worked, I'm adding to his stress, so I'll shut up and listen to how things are, we'll relax, have a nice evening, it hasn't started well, but we've both been looking forward to tonight, time out just to 'be' and talk and share.

I turn away from the bar and head back to the seat. I have been away all of ten seconds and there is someone else in my place. My special place in the corner. And DC has his arm round them.

D*rren G. D*rren G. Where the **** did he spring from? I sit on the bench next to DC and say hello. DC gallantly moves to let me sit in between them so that they can talk across me. I ask DG to pass my orange juice, which he does. I think maybe as my bag is under his foot and he is sitting on my jacket, and he has my drink he might twig it is my seat in the corner. No. I sit awhile so that they can talk across me. You know the sort of thing.....'How are ticket sales going?' 'Where is main stage this year?' 'What's happening about the organic beer tent?' and so it goes on, just like my birthday, guess what we are talking about? Or rather D and D are talking over my head. I decide I need another orange juice and announce my intention of going to the bar. Perhaps they would like to be left alone. 'Oh yes, while you're there, I'll have another glass of wine, would you like one DG? And Andrea?' (Who has now joined us.)

I get up and fetch everyone a drink. I am not going to get my comfy corner seat back. I go back and squeeze into the middle again. The mixed meze platter arrives. 'Have you got food DG? No? Sally, give DG our platter, let him share it.' 'Fine' I mutter, passing the food along, 'Sit in my seat, eat my food...why don't you.' D laughs, helping himself. He thinks I am joking....(I am such a bitch! I hope you know this is very tongue in cheek! I am a loving Christian person. I even suggested ordering another platter to share - and offered some to Andrea. I am not all bad. But the bits that are bad - are very bad.)

I sit back and they talk across me. I lean forward to take a little food from the platter and they lean back and talk behind me. It is a good game. Steve starts playing his first number, the sound of the mellow bass guitar fills the air...and DC is till talking. I open my eyes and fix him with a steely stare. 'Ssshhh,' I say, warningly, and close my eyes. 'Oops,' he whispers to D*rren, 'She's already into the music, we're not allowed to talk.' Too right.

Odd how may levels there are in life...I'm sure you know I don't mean it, we had a lvoely evening, it was good to see D*rren and catch up, and compare notes on when we were venue managing cabaret (!)........and tell Andrea how, when she came to sing at the Village Hall at Deene, I was venue managing and introduced her .... it was jolly, and social and we had a laugh...but underneath... well, at least we had to stop arguing and be pleasant in front of the visitors, didn't we????? And we haven't really spoken since. And we leave for Iona on Thursday.....

I made it!!!!!

Yes, I made it, and boy, was it worth it! I finally made the 6th Recycle Collective gig hosted by the lvoely Steve Lawson, (and Pab, I lvoe the blog world, although I know and love Steve from GB, we don't really know each other and haven't seen each other to have a conversation in about two years! but as I arrive at Darbucka's, Steve gives me a big hug and says, 'Hi, you made it at last! You've been threatening to come to one of these gigs for months! And how is it going with your driving? Are you still on 12 points? You kept your licence though? And how are things at work now, ok?' and I say, 'Fine, thank you, and what about you, did you hire a car ok to get to the gig?')

Arriving at Darbucka's world music bar (when I mention the names I'm going to be lazy and leave you to click on Steve's blog for the links, and his his review of the gig!) is like stepping into the Arabian nights: it is dark, atmospheric, with low stools and seating, cushions and soft furnishings full of dark eastern promise, low solid wood tables with tea lights...I head for a bench seat in the far corner, with a good view of the stage and DC and I settle down with our drinks and wait....(more about this part of the evening in a separate blog!!!!!)

Steve kicks off - and if and when I get permission from Steve to use a photo from his gallery, I'll pop one in - straight away my eyes are closed, and the music just enters my soul and soothes me from the inside out. For the technicalities of the music, read Steve's blog - for the sound - well listen to it yourself, I can't describe it, I just love it. He plays a couple of tracks from his new CD which is being burned almost as we speak, and I know I must order one.

After a couple of solo pieces, Steve invites Andrea Hazell, who sings with the Royal Opera, and is sitting with us at our table (see next blog!) to join him, to do some improvised looping singing..I am apprehensive, opera is really not my thing, and I am not sure...but it grows on me, and when they perform Dido's Lament, once again I am transported to another level, voice and guitar blend as one, working together, and I am won over.

If I thought that was good, I was unprepared for what followed! An American violinist, Todd Reynolds, with a violin, AppleMac, a bit of electronic wizardry..and the most amazing talent! Once again, you have to hear it/see it for yourself, but the most wonderful music, energy and passion flowed from that man and his violin, and I know I just never wanted it to end. He played two long pieces, one untitled, and one called 'The Solution'. Both brilliant. before one piece, Todd said, 'be careful listening to this, it'll mess with your head'. I laughed. But as the room filled with layer upon layer of music, like a full orchestra from just one man, there I was with my eyes closed, and suddenly inside my head was competely empty and still, like a dark cave, and it just filled and expanded with the music, it was really inside my head, until there was nothing but the music, and I was transported to a peace and relaxation and yet an energy for life I cannot explain. I did not want it to end....

When I opened my eyes, as Todd began his next piece, I saw sitting in front of me, the silhouette of what looked like a small, lonely gnome, sitting cross legged on a low stool, enthralled by Todd's music, and I so wanted to get up and sit next to him, and give him a hug and say, thank you, Steve, for this music, and for this moment. But I didn't move...the thought was there...and now I've said it....

The three joined together, with another singer, Julie, to improvise and finish the evening, and this time I had to watch all of them working and playing together in real time, beautiful harmony and sensitivity. Sitting next to me was one very stressed out management consultant, near the end of a hard week, dressed in a suit and tie and so feeling slightly out of tune with the gig...but as the last piece filled the room, I realised his head had fallen against my shoulder and the breathing was deep and slow, and he was still....after the music faded away into a silence that no-one wanted to break by clapping, he opened his eyes. 'You went to sleep didn't you?' I asked. 'No, actually I didn't, I was listening to the music and was just incredibly relaxed.'

I know exactly what he meant....

What Sally did next...

...was sit quietly at an outdoor table and looked after the bags once again while J and K went on the Glass Elevator. A sign said, not suitable for those with motion sickness, so I was not allowed to go, and happily sat enjoying being alive and feeling better, and sad to report, happily and proudly texting friends that it was only twenty past ten, and I had been sick already! If only I had my lap top......

So...to the rest of the day. Let me share a couple of the rides. Which would you prefer? J and K next went on Oblivion, and yes, I held their bags. And took photos:
I know you can't see them, but there they are, suspended for a moment before being dropped like a stone into a black hole in the ground, and I could hear the screaming long after the ride disappeared, then out of the tunnel they came, everyone screaming and lvoing it. Mad!!!!!!

As we walked on round the park, I saw a ride I wanted to go on. It looked perfect. Would J and K come on with me? No, they would not, this time they would hold the bags....ok, I'll go on my own, blow you..I left K with my phone to take a picture to prove I could go on a high ride on my own..really on my own, not another soul was on it at all.....

I climbed the tree carefully to the top and got into Squirrel Nutty's ride round Story Land. Gentle music accompanied me through the trees, and the tree house tunnel, and little nursery rhyme figures peeped round each corner..I went round twice, a ride which was pleasant, enjoyable, no queues and lasted far longer than the 45 seconds of the nasty rides. Pure joy.

As I climbed out and made my way down from the tree house, I spotted the sign that told me this ride had not been without risk, and I had been very brave...
but they didn't strap me in, but trusted me to sit still and behave.... having found the part of the Theme Park I liked, with no other visitors, and I do not exaggerate, it was Empty..I headed for Macdonald's Farm and the tractor
ride..that was good fun, and I had a horn I could sound, and steered carefully round all the corners, which creased K as she pointed out the tractor was on a self-guiding rail..... actually someone else came on the ride with me, but when I turned and took a picture said, 'If you publish that picture on the Web, I'll kill you' with such venom that I believed her...so sorry, no can do...... (but can I post the lvoeyl picture with the singing pig? Oh. please....)

I have no pictures of the gentle boat ride through the farm, with music and birdsong and clues to guess animals, and when you had guessed the animal, you had to press the right button on the boat to make the animal noise...J and K got on the boat saying, 'We can't believe we are going on the children's rides, this is so embarrassing..' then next minute they're quarrelling over whose turn it is to press a button..'It's not fair, you guessed last time..' Soon we gave up taking it in turns and were pressing all of our buttons at once, so the air was alive with mooing, buzzing, quacking, neighing, barking..And I thought, who can I ring and share this with....Oh, Liz, guess which ride we are on......

There was the lunch break, the donuts, the golf range where I almost won a new car...The Log Flume, the River Rapids, where J got so wet....It was excellent, excellent fun, we laughed ...and at the end of the day, when I was warm and dry in the driving seat of my car, in control of my life once more..I smiled and ate M and Ms all the way home....after stopping to sleep for half an hour in a service station as I was so tired..thank you guys for inviting me. I lvoe you!