Good morning, Christopher Robin....

Eeyore is feeling a bit better this morning. Thank you for affirming comments on my blog. I want to be grown up and confident and 'ok', and in so many ways, I really, really am: at work I am The Main Man: I am a good manager of staff and volunteers, a good trainer, supervisor, I care about people and they talk to me about their problems and tell me how easy I am to talk to, and thank me for what I do..I feel valued, appreciated, and have good self worth.

But it's funny how in other areas I feel so undervalued, and misunderstood..I mean a certain organisation asked for help in managing volunteers a few years ago. I responded, went to the office, had a meeting with the Volunteer Manager, discussed volunteer management, wrote a report after making some suggestions of changes they should make..and heard nothing more. In some ways, I was ahead of my time...three years or so later, they set up a Volunteer Development Group..but am I asked to be part of it? No. They hold Volunteer workshop days and pay an outside facilitator lots of money..and come up with strategies I had suggested three years earlier.... am I bitter? You bet! Cos it feeds into the bit of me that is so insecure, and the feeling that some people don't 'get' me. (Katie, you haven't met me, it's ok not to get me!!!!)

Stupid things..I wasn't going to mention, but now I have set off down this self destructive path....looking at a certain blog of pics of a crowd of beautiful people in a pub in London...you can see everyone as clear as a bell..except me..you can see the back of my head behind Laura...is it just careless photography..or is it deliberate?????

I am so glad I have friends who do get me. The good things to have come out of the last couple of years of hard times is sharing and opening up to people, in person, via text, e-mail and blog, is that I truly feel I have made new friends who really like me and 'get' me, and that means so much to me...

I didn't share a whole lot of the Iona experience, except that I cried a lot, but friends were really there for me, specially my room buddy, thank you,and new friends too, like P and E, and Martin - now there's a new friend worth a mention - Caroline and I nearly had a date with him in Bristol, but maybe next time.... then S, once I had got to Cheltenham, and shared the lvoley John Bell's talk with me (I asked him where my mum and dad were. asking JB is the next best thing to talking to Jesus in person...) and S was able to his caring, student minister thing, and try and answer my questions and heal my hurt....it has helped so much..then after my recent 'where are they now?' blog, K has sent me some lvoely lvoely long e-mails with her thoughts..and even spent time on her retreat praying for me - now I feel Guilt about taking up time on Her Retreat...). I am very, very blessed and should be always grateful...

The plus side is that people turn to me for help in difficult times. I am great for organising distant emergency accommodation in times of stress!!!

Split personality..

Yes, that's me. Three in one. Oh, that sounds familiar. Hang on a minute, that's wrong. Recount. Four in one. Always have to go one better, me.... Normally I am Winnie-the-Pooh, bear of very little brain, but always up for a little something..I used to tell people that was about chocolate, but now I am not so sure....must be my age, the hormones, or something....anyway, sometimes I am Piglet, a small but well-intentioned loyal friend who loves no matter what....then sometimes I am Tigger, very bouncy and full-on and probably annoying, I know....

But this week I have had an Eeyore week. Definitely. Not Much Smiling. Cold, lonely field. Sadness and such. Not Much Fun. (A comment on the state of mind more than anything.) Lack of self worth. I know, I shouldn't rely on other people to give me that, it should come from within....but it doesn't help when you go to a guy's gig - twice in a row - and it's not worth a mention: then you promote it to a friend, she turns up and hey - it's special! And I even bought a CD. TTch. Self esteem - on the floor. With the thistles. And Tiggers don't like thistles.

Have tried some deep, searching talking today, with a Good Friend. He was late which really p*ssed me off, why does the optimist in me expect otherwise? Because to make the effort to turn upon time would really do my self worth good. Do you know, there are no answers, only more questions?

Anyway - good stuff. Saturday - lunch in the sun with Jacky and Peter - I can't believe what I texted Peter on Thursday and offered to give him for his birthday - good job he knows I was joking - and Jacky. Sunday - another morning pottering and cleaning for Laura and Mec coming over, and James bringing a friend from work...he texted me today to thank me for behaving and not being embarrassing..what can he mean?? We watched the footy, shouted at the telly, ate and drank loads then had a barbecue after. Hey, let's do it all again on Saturday!!!!

I know some people say if you don't have anything meaningful to say on a blog then don't blog. Say less, reflect more.

Believe me , I spend my every waking moment reflecting. Sorry the results are not too brilliant. I am only sorry I had my good phone pinched - at least then you got good pictures. Oh, I'll find a random one to put in to break the monotony.

Feeling quiet...

Haven't blogged since..ooh Thursday morning I think, seems like an age. Kate Rusby has been replace by Steve Lawson, in my car CD player, and I am lvoing the music, I knew I would, but unsure the car is the right place for Steve's stuff, as it always seems to send me 'to another place' in my head..a good place, but not necessarily good for driving. I am drawn especially to track 6 at the moment, Scott Peck....which leads me to think is time to re-read that book???? Only problem is, the very low bass notes are causing one of my car speakers to buzz horribly, so another reason to bring in the CD and appreciate it on a decent system....

Have been on a bit of a downward spiral this week, struggling with thoughts and feelings which are quite difficult and I think use up a great deal of mental and emotional energy, leaving me tired and a bit removed from the planet, hence my (brief) blog silence.

Friday saw me and Clive, Jill and Ian head up to Sloane Square to see the new Tom Stoppard play, Rock and Roll. I knew I was not in the mood, and was unsociable I know, and slept on the train on the way up, and a bit during the play it has to be said! And on the way back. The play was good, hard work but with amazingly good music to take us from 1968 to present day, and to provide the atmosphere of changing political and social climate, both here and in Czechoslovakia. If only my mind could have connected with it a little more....

Spent some time alone pottering in the house today, and realised I need a bit of solitude, thinking and processing time. I am processing sadness, anger, confusion, wandering in the wilderness....I feel very angry and let down... but that is for me to deal with, and not for this blog..and it's half one in the morning. As usual, just me in bed with my laptop....how sad is that......

probably unwise....

...but I'll join in anyway and do the I'm Sally, who are you game? I am safely tucked up in bed after coming back from London having been to Steve's recycle Collective gig with Laura. Darbucka's is a lvoely venue, the food good, the atmosphere chilled and the music excellent..though I have to be honest and say the evening didn't float my boat as much as last months...however, it is all relative, and I have Steve's new CD just waiting to be popped in to my CD player in the morning.....

Anyway, as I was saying (can't believe I'm doing this...) I'm Sally, who are you? (To answer, copy and paste into comments).

01. Who are you?
02. Are we friends?
03. When and how did we meet?
04. Do/Did you have a crush on me?
05. Would you kiss me?
06. Describe me in one word.
07. What was your first impression?
08. Do you still think that way about me now?
09. What reminds you of me?
10. If you could give me anything what would it be?
11. How well do you know me?
12. When’s the last time you saw me?
13. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn’t?
14. Are you going to put this on your blog/journal and see what I say about you?

A record!

2346 this morning! Yay!!!!

Oh no....

Been playing the marble game..now it's gone midnight. Addicted already. Don't understand the scoring though......

Approach with care....

Feel in a bad mood tonight..everything's annoying me..my hair, needs cutting, fringe too long and irritating...new soft contact lenses I was given to try out are just not working..can't see well at any distance and that is irritating me.....abandoned them and this morning and tried another new set of soft lenses, different make. Vision was better, until trying to watch football on TV tonight, and my lenses felt dry and it felt like I was looking through fog..so I took those out and resorted to vari-focals, which somehow have got bent and are uncomfortable to wear - are you getting the picture? Thought about going to bed at 9pm, but worked at the dining room table with one eye on the football, only that was also annoying with Clive tutting and muttering...

I went out to the kitchen just before the end to make coffee and missed Sweden equalising. It sure annoyed Clive but doesn't make a huge difference re the next round. Having Michael Owen injured will. Oh am I sounding like someone who cares???? Nearly Wimbledon. Now you're talking.....

Never mind. Tired and hormonal. Go to sleep..yes, am sleeping the sleep of the blessed these days, just pass out til morning, lovely..then tomorrow evening, the Steve Lawson gig. Yay! Can buy his new CD. Yay! Um....referring to my blog a month ago, when I went to his last gig, think I was in a bad mood then... and the month before...regular as clockwork. Please don't let it put you off, Darren, I'd lvoe to see you. David has a church meeting to go to. Ttch. Can't get the friends......

A new day.. a new dawn....

Here we go.

All ceremonies done. Check.

Off the anti-depressants. Check.

End of bereavement counselling. Check.

Old mobile phone working and old phone number restored. Check.

Friends all around who lvoe and care for me. Check.

Had some good times over the last few days. Talking and eating and gossiping with Caroline. Trying out her new wet room shower with the most scary hole in the floor with a chomping, snarling vacuum pump which I swear will eat my toes if I'm not careful...... meeting Caroline at the Mall after the visit to my aunt, to while away the hours and delay the journey home. I sat with a smoothie and waited for C to join me after work, and was fast asleep at the table when she got there....we ate and drank and shopped and she bought nail varnish as well as lipstick!!! and I bought Converse trainers and nail varnish and flip-flops and earrings and I helped C choose earrings, deciding I would buy them for her as a present when she had chosen..so I took them off her, saying I was stealing them, and she said, give them back, I want to buy them as a present for you. Oh, no...now I have two new pairs of earrings!

Had a brilliant day on Sunday. Went food shopping with Laa-laa and Mec-mec - it's great to be around young love, isn't it! We had laugh, I do so lvoe my daughter, and they came over and helped do a barbecue, and Clive's mother came too, and we sat in the garden and ate lvoely food, and christened a chocolate fondue. Which tastes better dipped in melted chocolate? Strawberry or banana? Oh, banana every time....

We talked house move, wallpapering (will I wallpaper a wall in their bedroom with the very expensive wallpaper Laa-laa has set her heart on? You bet I will..sorry Mec..), weddings and wedding dresses and we read the copy of Living magazine Laa had bought and admired a H*bit*t stool designed by one J*mes P*tterson.....oh love him..I knew getting him to colour between the lines when he was little would pay off....

Tonight, when I left bereavement counselling for the last time, I gave Viv a bunch of flowers and a hug..and she was crying. I wasn't. Now there's a thing!

Change of subject....

Thank the Lord, I hear you say. About time....anyway, about m mobile phone being stolen. 02 have been so disinterested. Eventually offered the info that I could have a new sim card for £9.99 and stick it in an old phone and have my old number reactivated. Excellent. Since I have four old phones at home and I am not prepared to pay £279 to replace the one I have had nicked.

I go to Bristol and back phoneless. I hate it. I have become so dependent, I admit it. I miss the texts arriving, the calls, though when my phone is with me, I get sad when no-one texts or calls, how sad am I. Anyway, I get through the days feeling bereft and not complete without my phone.

I get home at 10.45 pm on Friday night (why? shopping and drinking coffee and having fun with the lvoley Caroline..the only way to end the day) to find the sim card in an envelope with an invoice and nothing else. No helpful information. I stick the card into a hopeful and freshly charge phone. The message comes up: 'Sim inactive.' How dare it be inactive? I smack it. Nothing. I look in the envelope for helpful info on How to make Your Sim card Active. Nothing. My anger and frustration grows. I go on-line to the 02 website. In the meantimeCliveie, who has waited up anI supposeoe thought I might talk to him, gives up and goes to bed. SorryI i just don't feel like talking right now, it's been a long emotional day and I can't replay it right now. I know I am tired and taking it all out an a defenceless phone.

I search the 02 webite. 'Sim card.' 'Inactive Sim card.' 'How to activate your sim card.' Searches bring nothing. I can't believe the lack of customer information or care. I want to ring someone and shout but it is now 11.30pm and all their lines close at 8pm. How dare they?

I eventually give up and go to bed, and wake at 8am sharp and sit up in bed and ring 02. After pressing various buttons and losing the will to livI i get through to a young man who listens to my ranting and says, 'Oh yes, you just ring us and we activate your card this end, no problem.' As I thought, I say, but why does it not tell you that somewhere? Lack of info in post and on website. If I ran 02 it would different, I can tell you. He listens and tells me he will pass on my helpful comments to his manager.

I calm down and say, ok, now just activate my sim card, thank you. Oh sorry, he says, all are systems are down for maintenance and won't be up again until 8am Monday morning. Would I care to ring back then?

Oh my blood pressure, the stress, I don't believe it..he doesn't know he is risking his life even from a distance. Excuse me while I go and knife something.....

Ashes to ashes.....

I sat in the pub garden where we had my dad's funeral lunch last year..a similar hot, sunny day. I sipped orange juice and waited for my brother and sister-in-law to arrive. Wanted this day to be over. A day of Closure. Time to move on. I feel quiet and reflective. My brother arrives, laughing, saying he had rung the funeral directors to tell them he would pick up my dad's ashes and take them to the crem. 'They said they had lost him! Couldn't find him!' my brother continues, 'You have to laugh, don't you?' I wish I could share his humour at this moment. A moment after I had driven to their house, on the way to the pub, and thought fleetingly, that they might be there, with the kettle on, and we would be pleased to see each other, and my mum and I would talk and laugh like we always did..instead there is a new front door and a garage where the car port was, and it's someone else's house. I want to laugh and share in the joke about my dad going walk about, but I just can't.

'Did they find him?' I ask, as we order sandwiches. 'Yes, I've got him in a carrier bag in the car!' my brother is jolly and laughing and sharing with his wife, it is his way of dealing with this and I respect it totally. It is one way of dealing with it..I wish I could..I try a bit.

We talk about the children and fill the time, then we have to drive to the crem to keep our appointment. We sit in the sun waiting for the man to come and do his bit. My brother takes out the carrier bag and shows me the purple plastic urn with my dad's name on. He keeps talking to it. 'Ok, dad, you alright? nearly have you there, back with mum, not long now...' It is totally bizarre, talking to a jar. He is not there.

As we prepare to follow the man t the small hole prepared in Lawn E, my sister-in-law gets two small bunches of flowers out of the car. I am gutted, I meant to but flowers on the way this morning, but competely forgot. My thoughts have been elsewhere. What kind of daughter am I? I have come empty handed. How could I forget?

There is a small hole on the edge of the lawn, nowhere near the tree where we buried mum's ashes. I suspect my brother forgot to tell them about that. The man, who is a gardener, stands next to the hole and asks us if we want to say anything. 'Some people read poems and all sorts.' We have nothing. We haven't talked about it. It's not his funeral, I don't know what you are supposed to do. We are not in tune, my brother being chirpy and matter-of-fact, chatting to the gardener, chatting to the carrier bag, while I am still and silent.

We ask him to do it. He tips the urn of ashes in to the hole. We stare in at the small heap of white ash. My brother leans over and talks to it. 'There you are, dad, you're ok now, mum's just over there by the tree.' He is pointing. I stand with tears falling down my face, sobs welling up, I cannot talk to a pile of ash in the ground, this is not my dad. I want my dad here. My sister-in-law gives me one of the bunches of flowers and I try to hand them back, saying, no, you bought them..but she makes me have them for my mum.

My brother walks to the tree and talks t the bit of lawn where we put my mum's ashes. 'Ok mum, dad's over there, you can call him, he'll probably pretend not to hear like he always did.' I smile through my tears, that's true. I go over and silently tell my mum that she has a nice place under the shade of the tree. We put the flowers in a little vase built into the little wall round the lawn, where we are going to have small plaque.

'In loving memory of Peter & Betty Bacon, 1925-2005.'

I think I would like to sit on the bench in the sun and think awhile, but no, my brother is thanking the man, and we are off, time to go. I am crying and my brother briefly puts his arm round my shoulders, and says, 'Come on, they are ok, together now.' I nod. Inside my head comes the constant question..where are they> Where are they now, if anywhere? Or are they just the ash, buried in a lawn. I hoped this day would bring closure, but there is still a way to go.

We drive to my aunt's, my mum's younger sister. The other two go in, smiling and chatting, my aunt hugs them. Then she turns and hugs me, holds me tight, and says, 'Oh, Sal, I miss them so much,' and she cries on my shoulder and I cry on hers. She holds me tight, and I think, thank you, thank you for understanding.

Goodbye. Always in my thoughts. I love you.>

Goodbye....again....

A year and a day since my dad died. Yesterday I went to work, made sure I had lots of families to visit and kept busy. Til a pause at about 12 noon..I thought for a moment..this would be the time last year when I was on the motorway and got the phone call...emotion overtook me and I fled out of the office and into the silence and stillness of the church next door. I thought about him. I tried to talk to him. I tried to pray. I thought what to do as the tears poured down my face. Tomorrow I will bury his ashes. Tomorrow I will say goodbye again..today, a voice in my head told me strongly, today you will not go for a walk, or go home, or sit alone in the church coffee shop with a sandwich..you will go back to work and get on with your job and help people who need you....get back in there...

So something made me buy a sandwich, go back to the office and make tea for the others..trying to stop crying...suddenly the door opened and in came L, a lovely guy who is a manager for anther organisation round the corner, I like him very much and he is always up for a cup of tea and a biscuit. I told him the jettle had just boiled and his eyes lit up. Oh, what timing, a chat with L is just the thing I need, thank you God for that, so I grab the chocolate biscuits and our tea and take L into my 'inner room' for a chat. We sit down. He is smiling, bless him he is always smiling. 'Glad I caught you, I just popped by to tell you in person I am leaving.' 'Oh,' I say, 'Oh, you're leaving.' I try to say something else, but the tears, only just held back, start to fall, and I am crying so hard...poor L, I start to laugh at the same time at the look on his face, and explain about my dad and the day...fortunately as we sit on a lot of committees together, he had been aware of all my absences over the past year or so and knows what has been going on, and he is the kind of lvoeyl person not to be phased by tears, and he just says, 'Oh your poor thing, you've had a tough year,' and we just chat and end up having a good bitch and generally being politically incorrect about life and people and organisations and funny things, and we have a good laugh.

I am so grateful for his visit, and apologise for bursting into tears at the news he is leaving ( he has a posh job in C*mbridge lecturing on a new course about partnership working..) and he giggles and says he thinks he will e-mail everyone else, and not tell people in person in case everyone cries...he will invite me to his leaving do..off he goes, and he has cheered me up.

I manage to settle down and do some work, but all day, as with the anniversary of my mum's death, I feel alone as no-one close to me seems to have remembered. I hear from no-one. I suppose not having a mobile phone doesn't help. Oops, sorry, double negative. At last it is 3.30pm and I head off home early to get ready to go to Bristol. I leave at 4.30pm. I listen to Chris Evans and follow the England match on his radio show, which is the best way to do it. There are traffic jams. It is bloody hot. Should I trade up for a car with air con? I stop at Reading services for a sleep as I am falling asleep on the motor way. Not good. I buy family pack of M&Ms as it is now compulsory on family-linked trips to Bristol. I stop at Membury for shopping. Forget milk. Blast. Road works. Arrive at Caroline's at 8pm. Bliss. I so need to be here.

Music, Life 'n' stuff.....

Reading some past blogs..other people's, not mine!!! Jude and Caroline were raving about TheFeeling - that's a band, not a taboo erotic subject..... (disappointing I know..like the session on Iona entitled The Manchester Passion not being about Liz's sex life..... aw...) I have heard that record too, and it was kind of growing on me. You know they played at Wychwood? But I think that was when I actually did an hour's work, and I missed them. But I saw loads of other good bands, as previously mentioned...so it wasn't all bad.....in fact it was all really good. A Festival with not much to do. No problems. All punters chilled and happy. Nobody stressed and shouting..(well a few people were, but they lived near the site and obviously weren't enjoying it...not to sorry...)

Anyway, on the music front, isn't Radio 2 a gem? Such a rich tapestry..woke up on Tuesday morning and listened to Wogan as I got ready for work. Chilled ballads, singer song writers, and he does make me laugh. Driving in the afternoon for a visit to a family and I catch Steve Wright who also makes me laugh, has fun guests and the best, the best Ask Elvis. Go listen to a pod-cast..... then driving home, Chris Evans - yes he makes me laugh, he makes me want to join in and I want a radio show again to have fun and play good music...

Then later, I drive to Highgate to take boxes to James who is having to move out of his flat. I turn on Radio 2: it's smooth voiced Desmond Carrington who is playing stuff from the 40s and 50s and suddenly I am listening to the amazing music my parents loved, stuff I was brought up on. I imagine the audience between Chris Evans and now has changed considerably!

Then at 8 0'clock, a new programme comes on..and the car is filled with the sound of the Mighty Wurlitzer from Blackpool..not Sandy whoever it was in the 60s, as I imagine he is now playing the great organ in the sky..but Richard someone..but the sound is the same, and so reminiscent of times gone by, I can't believe Radio 2 still has this programme!! But yes, Richard is reading requests from Brian and Edna..and I listen to an old recording of Mr Lloyd Webber (dad of J and A) playing the Mighty Organ from the Westminster Central Hall.....actually very beautiful.....

On my return from Highgate, a bit of packing done, and a visit to a lvoely Indian restaurant called.. wait for it..began with K..Kipling? No......it's gone..stunning restaurant, recently refurbished, wonderful food, staff, surroundings and the musical theme continued by a gentleman in full evening dress playing the grand piano...all songs I know and I diced with death by James if I started to sing along...... oh one of his designs, Spiro has just been awarded the Grand Designs Annual award fro the best garden piece...James missed the ceremony where it was announced or he would have picked up the award from Kevin in person!!! Look out for the publicity in a Style magazine near you.....do you think any journalists would be interested in interviewing his mother? I can show them some of his drawings from when he was 2, you can see then how talented he was.....

I was saying, on the way back, on with trusty radio 2, and it's mark radcliffe (I think..) with some amazing world music..it is 11pm, it is a warm but rainy night, he plays some good rocking music to drive home quite fast by..I find it hard to keep an eye on the speed cameras on the way home, as the roads are quite empty and I just feel like driving very, very fast.......only 2 more years to go before I get rid of my 12 points.....

Wychwood..yes it was good!!

More images for you..this time of the Wychwood World Music festival in Cheltenham. The big regret for me is that, having only stopped on the way back from Oban for two half hour breaks, which is not unreasonable, DC and I shared the driving made it by 7.30pm - it would have been quicker but we got stuck in traffic jams and road works, you know how it is - so we missed Seth Lakeman who was on at the unreasonable hour of 6.30pm - bother bother bother, I really wanted to hear him.

Anyway, the first pic is of Eliza Carthy with her Celtic Salsa band - they were amazing, what a brilliant set. Unsure who the evening pic is.....brain fade....but the weather was good, and being as how Front Desk was amazingly quiet, and main stage was only 30 seconds walk away (hooray, looking forward to GB!!!) I spent most of my time sitting on the grass enjoying some good music - or dancing of course! Peatbog Faeries were brilliant - Scottish rocky folky bagpipy meets Riverdance - I now have one of their CDs - good to drive to, didn't go down so well in the office, you can't get the staff, really.....I think my team should respect the boss's taste in music......

The last photo is me enjoying a bit of the late night silent disco..a wonderful event where you hear the music through headphones, so everyone is dancing and singing along, but to a mere observer, it all looks very strange. Not much atmosphere, could benefit from some ambient lighting like a real disco..you can see I took care dressing up for the occasion.....

Oh did I mention my friend Stuart..oops run out of time, more tomorrow.....

Just an aside..I nearly had my picture on pip's blog, caught drinking at a pub in london, unfortunately I am obscured by my lovely daughter, Laura, but I was there..I wonder if you have any more photos Pip? Cos it was about that time, a bit later, when DC and I swopped places and I was deep in conversation with Pete, that I think the b****** who bumped into me from behind took my mobile phone from my handbag. I now am without. I have lost all my names and numbers, having not backed up (ok, stupid but who does???) I have lost little meaningful texts I was keeping, not to mention special photos.... did I say b*******d? So, Pip, check your photos in case you case you caught it on camera!

Three more images of Iona....the first taken from Mull, I think of the ferry coming to get us. Not the ferry DC and I were booked on..famously, we took two days to get to Mull, stayed in a hotel one minute from the ferry, and still managed to miss it.....I kind of take responsibility..I had the tickets and was being the time keeper..not very successfully it turned out..but the bonus was it meant catching the next ferry with with our friends....one friend may tell of playing a little joke on us but not choosing the moment well. 'Not funny, apparently,' she was heard to observe drily.....

The second photo was writing found on the beach,,the interrupting cow had got there first....

Another tale to tell of the week, was the night I decided to down DC's whisky as I was growing tired of the adoration, worship and time this drink was taking up..I mean, it;s s drink for goodness' sake..I wondered what his face would look like if I just downed it when he wasn't looking and left him with an empty glass......it certainly had the desired effect..I just hadn't thought through the consequences of my actions.....

anyway, the last pic is of the fair isle and the Abbey as the ferry bore us away, early Saturday morning, to Mull, and a 12 hour drive from there to Cheltenham..more of that later...I must blog about Wychwood, because I have actually had complaints, especially from one Stuart who feels he merits a mention. Patience, Stuart, is a virtue.......

'Doing' versus 'Being'

The little puffins on the island of Staffa - so gorgeous, so funny, they are called clown birds - I had never given the creatures any thought, apart from the fact that they are the image of Puffin Books - I had never seen one face to face, so to speak. I will await the far superior images from the superior cameras of friends (I keep being promised..story of my life...) and when I get them, you will be the first to know...

The second picture was taken while I was sitting and thinking, or not thinking, rather just 'being', in the lvoley little garden at the front of the Abbey..the view is across to Mull. I had one or two conversations with a close friend about the merits of 'being' as opposed to 'doing' during the week. I thought it would be good to spend time without the distractions of work, a mobile phone (no signal) or a laptop, and spend time walking, talking, sharing, or just 'being' in the peace of the island. Wrong!! All other distractions were replaced with top of the range digital camera, so he was darting about taking pictures every ten seconds from every angle: during the pilgrimage, when the whole point is to walk, think and 'be', especially at the stopping points when there would be a reading, song and meditation: when I looked round for someone to share these precious moments with, he was gone, snapping at the view....now I know I will be grateful when he shares the resulting photos with me..but such a manic disposition did make me question (and so I made him question!!) could he ever, ever, for the good of his soul, stop doing, and just 'be'?

I discovered that Iona, for me, was a place to stop and 'be', away from home, work, family; a place to try and find myself, and God, if that is not much of a cliche.

This week has been a week of doing, back at work, lots to catch up on, bereavement counselling, where I took time to reflect on the experience of Iona for me - much needed time - and on Saturday, a long hot day on a stall on St Albans market, and supervising volunteers with collecting tins, for our annual street collection day. While everyone else was watching the football, I was selling second hand books and talking to people....did I mind? No, not at all. It was a peaceful if hot afternoon, until the match ended and the pubs emptied, and quite a few young men appeared to need to shout England's victory to all and sundry, while at the same time wave their sweaty t-shirts above their heads and reveal their sweaty bodies and tattoos to me. Too much information, really.

The day was wonderfully finished off by a summer's evening outing, with a friend with an open top car, DC, plus Chris E (front desk colleague) and Dave Sh (Info booth and good mate) for a long overdue evening out in a local pub garden, complete with river and geese and goslings wandering around, followed by a Chinese, and hairy ride home (I knew the sober person should have driven) with a few laughs along the way. Perfect.

Iona continued....

A few more images of Iona... the lvoely sandy 'town' beach next to the main 'town' complete with shops, pub, tea room and ferry port... someone taking a very serious photograph of a pebbly beach... then, on the last day, a list of words that summed up the week for the temporary residents of the Abbey commmunity...

I am finding it hard this week, I must confess, trying to readjust to normal life without my good friends around me to talk to and share and laugh with... I know the theory of handing it all over to God, and I am trying.... as a good friend put it yesterday, 'I just want you to be happy.' Oh, that's alright then, I'll just be happy then. Of course I want to be happy too.... Iona is somewhere where I felt times of peace, but it was also somewhere I could express my pain, and the tears flowed freely..sometimes too freely, but I just couldn't stop them... but friends new and old were there for me..people I knew put their arms around me, but also people I never met before, who just cared and lvoed me, not even asking what was wrong, but just recognising pain and just being there.

One powerful moment was at the end of the healing service on the Abbey on Tuesday, when D and I were the last to leave because we had been talking and sharing with Simon, the lvoely Iona community member who had helped to lead the pilgrimage that day, and the service. It was 10pm and we were leaving not to go to the pub (!) but the Taize service in the small chapel next door. As we walked through the Abbey, sitting there in the middle of the nave, on her own, was the lovely, lovely lady who had sat next to me in the first Communion service on the Sunday..the Abbey was nearly full and I had been separated from all my friends, and I felt alone and vulnerable. Don't forget I have not done church for a long time now, because I am really struggling with it, my faith, and not finding my church very helpful.....

Well, I just cried through the entire service, was absolutely in pieces, didn't know what to do, except I knew I didn't want to leave, what made it worse was I was on a bench in the choir stalls facing the other choir stalls, so I felt extremely visible and very stupid. As the time for sharing the peace approached, I was despairing, what could I do, I couldn't face anyone...As they announced the peace, the lady next to me just turned and put her arms round me and held me and I sobbed and sobbed into her shoulder and she cried too, and just held me until it was over. Then she held my hand for the rest of the service, and hugged me at the end and prayed for me.

I didn't know her at all, but D did as she was staying up at the McLeod centre where he was.

Anyway, on the Tuesday there she was sitting alone in the middle of the Abbey. We were hurrying to get to the Taize service, and I wanted to say hello, but not stop. But as we drew alongside, I looked at her face.'Are you ok, would you like some company?' Of course she wasn't ok, and yes she needed company, so D and I sat either side of her and put our arms round her. She cried, we talked and shared and just sat together, hugging each other and feeling God in us and each other. After a long talk where she shared her situation with us, and her tears, she asked if we could pray for each other. I was silent for ages. It had been a long time since I have prayed, I realised. But I eventually found the words to thank God for this lovely, warm, generous, lady, who had been right there for me when I needed her, and she thanked God for sending me and D when she needed someone.

She came with us for the last five minutes of the Taize service, and we sat for another half hour, with a few other people (including the lvoely Emma!! who I hope is a new friend) just sitting on the floor of this beautiful stone chapel, surrounded by tealights, singing the most beautiful songs, filling the chapel with four part harmony, and feeling the peace of God with new friends.

We were late to the pub that night. Very late. Now the pub is a different story, a different fellowship....a time of laughter, rudeness, laughter,drinking, talking, eating, more laughing and the walking home in the still not quite dark at gone midnight...... any wonder this week is a teensy weensy bit hard....??

Iona

Just some pictures to start......sea, space, peace, pilgrimage, abbey....more to follow....

Tears before bedtime.....

Was getting stressed at work today. So much to do, so behind, can't really afford to be going away for 10 days! But have been packing - oh I know I'll forget something!

Got more stressed, got cross, got upset, got more cross with myself for getting upset, then tonight went fast asleep on the sofa while Clive cooked dinner.... then later went asleep again while David Attenborough was educating me about climate chaos.

Why, oh why oh why did I write this morning's blog?? I knew I was tempting fate.....

Sharing the good times.....

I have shared the bad times on this blog (Oh, how she has shared the bad times, you are thinking. Sorry.) So it's important to share the good times as well.

I have weaned myself off the anti-depressants ahead of schedule. I have almost a month and a half''s supply left! But I have been feeling ok so just went with it and have been 'clean' for a week. My counsellor is amazed and delighted with how I am doing. We have just three sessions left, after Iona, to finish with one just after the first anniversary of dad's death. I am ok with this and feel really positive.

Do you know how good it is to come home from work, cook dinner, walk the dog and potter about and do things? I have hardly cooked in almost a year - C has come home from work and found me asleep on the settee, I wake and eat, go back to sleep and go to bed as early as possible, always by 10pm. I was permanently tired. I would wake up exhausted. For about the last three weeks it has changed. I actually have some energy back. I am not crying. I am back in control. I have been reluctant to say, because I can change so quickly, overnight it can all change and it is horrible feeling so out of control.

But now I am still awake at gone 11pm! I am going to bed later, and sleeping really, really, well. I am still having strange dreams, and dream about mum and dad being alive again on a regular basis. I see them in my dreams, but it doesn't upset me.

I hope, really hope and pray, that I am finding the person I used to be. Or rather, the person I am going to be now. I am looking forward to a break in Iona - but also nervous about lots of things (will I rememebr to pack everything for a start!) but I will be with Friends. Which can only be good.

I just thought I'd share that with you!

The importance of a comma.....

....I head for a bench seat in the far corner, with a good view of the stage and DC and I settle down with our drinks and wait....a good example for Eats, Shoots and Leaves, as Shaun kindly pointed out, the comma should come after the word stage!!!! Otherwise, as he suggests, I am getting a good view of the stage and DC. It reminds me of the sentence in the Bible where the shepherds (or was it the Kings?) arrive at the stable and find Mary, Joseph and the babe lying in the manger. My, that manger must be quite crowded......

I did say on my last blog, 'more of that part of the evening later.' It's amazing (sorry, post Eurovision use of that word is banned, I know) on how many different levels an evening out can work! As you read, on the musical level, it was Gold Star. A1.

On a social, relaxed level - well, pretty good. Silver star.

But on another level..what was going on just under the surface, unseen by the naked eye????

I was not in a Good Mood. I thought about not going, but given the history of me not making this gig, I was determined to go and let the good mood follow. I was already snappy with DC on the phone, who, having finally confirmed his availability to come with me, was being indecisive about when and where to meet. We finally decide on 7.15pm outside his office. So I get the train up, and the tube, then walk and I am there on time. It is cold and windy. Dust and grit blows in my eye and under my contact lens. I text that I am here. Mood darkens. I vow to wait two more minutes then jump in a cab. I am Tired of Waiting - not just this evening, but on every other occasion......

After 5 mins DC appears with a cheery, 'Hello!' We hail a cab in which I wrestle with the grit in my eye and the pain. I am not happy. (Note: wasn't I in a bad mood exactly a month ago, when we came up to the gig and missed it by one night? See blog of April 18th. Or 19th. Note to self, start taking Evening Primrose tablets again....)

Anyway, I say it how it is in the cab. About how just for once in his life, he could be on time. Out of courtesy. I let rip about his time keeping, his lack of communication, ability to return texts, phone call or e-mails. I get it all off my chest. DC goes quiet. The cab reaches our destination and I pay, on his discovery that the large wallet contains no cash. 'Have a good evening, guys,' says the cabbie, eyeing me quickly then looking at DC with a 'Poor sod, you have to spend the evening with her' look in his eye.

As previously stated, we find our bench seat, (after I have paid for our tickets)get drinks in and sit down. The argument continues. I continue to state my feelings, frustration, etc etc. DC responds with such a busy life, so much to do, so little time, he doesn't mean it, etc etc. There is a silence. We are not speaking. I look round at the lvoely room, take in the atmosphere, the music and the possibility of a good evening, if only..... 'This is getting us nowhere', I say, 'I'll order some food.' I get up, or rather DC half heaves me up as the seats are 6" off the ground and I'm stuck! and I go to the bar. I order a meze platter to share, close my eyes and let out a deep breathe. You know the sort of thoughts you can have in a split second?

This is silly, we haven't talked much in ages, this could be nice evening, let's not spoil it over silly things, DC is looking really tired, I know he is stressed and over worked, I'm adding to his stress, so I'll shut up and listen to how things are, we'll relax, have a nice evening, it hasn't started well, but we've both been looking forward to tonight, time out just to 'be' and talk and share.

I turn away from the bar and head back to the seat. I have been away all of ten seconds and there is someone else in my place. My special place in the corner. And DC has his arm round them.

D*rren G. D*rren G. Where the **** did he spring from? I sit on the bench next to DC and say hello. DC gallantly moves to let me sit in between them so that they can talk across me. I ask DG to pass my orange juice, which he does. I think maybe as my bag is under his foot and he is sitting on my jacket, and he has my drink he might twig it is my seat in the corner. No. I sit awhile so that they can talk across me. You know the sort of thing.....'How are ticket sales going?' 'Where is main stage this year?' 'What's happening about the organic beer tent?' and so it goes on, just like my birthday, guess what we are talking about? Or rather D and D are talking over my head. I decide I need another orange juice and announce my intention of going to the bar. Perhaps they would like to be left alone. 'Oh yes, while you're there, I'll have another glass of wine, would you like one DG? And Andrea?' (Who has now joined us.)

I get up and fetch everyone a drink. I am not going to get my comfy corner seat back. I go back and squeeze into the middle again. The mixed meze platter arrives. 'Have you got food DG? No? Sally, give DG our platter, let him share it.' 'Fine' I mutter, passing the food along, 'Sit in my seat, eat my food...why don't you.' D laughs, helping himself. He thinks I am joking....(I am such a bitch! I hope you know this is very tongue in cheek! I am a loving Christian person. I even suggested ordering another platter to share - and offered some to Andrea. I am not all bad. But the bits that are bad - are very bad.)

I sit back and they talk across me. I lean forward to take a little food from the platter and they lean back and talk behind me. It is a good game. Steve starts playing his first number, the sound of the mellow bass guitar fills the air...and DC is till talking. I open my eyes and fix him with a steely stare. 'Ssshhh,' I say, warningly, and close my eyes. 'Oops,' he whispers to D*rren, 'She's already into the music, we're not allowed to talk.' Too right.

Odd how may levels there are in life...I'm sure you know I don't mean it, we had a lvoely evening, it was good to see D*rren and catch up, and compare notes on when we were venue managing cabaret (!)........and tell Andrea how, when she came to sing at the Village Hall at Deene, I was venue managing and introduced her .... it was jolly, and social and we had a laugh...but underneath... well, at least we had to stop arguing and be pleasant in front of the visitors, didn't we????? And we haven't really spoken since. And we leave for Iona on Thursday.....

I made it!!!!!

Yes, I made it, and boy, was it worth it! I finally made the 6th Recycle Collective gig hosted by the lvoely Steve Lawson, (and Pab, I lvoe the blog world, although I know and love Steve from GB, we don't really know each other and haven't seen each other to have a conversation in about two years! but as I arrive at Darbucka's, Steve gives me a big hug and says, 'Hi, you made it at last! You've been threatening to come to one of these gigs for months! And how is it going with your driving? Are you still on 12 points? You kept your licence though? And how are things at work now, ok?' and I say, 'Fine, thank you, and what about you, did you hire a car ok to get to the gig?')

Arriving at Darbucka's world music bar (when I mention the names I'm going to be lazy and leave you to click on Steve's blog for the links, and his his review of the gig!) is like stepping into the Arabian nights: it is dark, atmospheric, with low stools and seating, cushions and soft furnishings full of dark eastern promise, low solid wood tables with tea lights...I head for a bench seat in the far corner, with a good view of the stage and DC and I settle down with our drinks and wait....(more about this part of the evening in a separate blog!!!!!)

Steve kicks off - and if and when I get permission from Steve to use a photo from his gallery, I'll pop one in - straight away my eyes are closed, and the music just enters my soul and soothes me from the inside out. For the technicalities of the music, read Steve's blog - for the sound - well listen to it yourself, I can't describe it, I just love it. He plays a couple of tracks from his new CD which is being burned almost as we speak, and I know I must order one.

After a couple of solo pieces, Steve invites Andrea Hazell, who sings with the Royal Opera, and is sitting with us at our table (see next blog!) to join him, to do some improvised looping singing..I am apprehensive, opera is really not my thing, and I am not sure...but it grows on me, and when they perform Dido's Lament, once again I am transported to another level, voice and guitar blend as one, working together, and I am won over.

If I thought that was good, I was unprepared for what followed! An American violinist, Todd Reynolds, with a violin, AppleMac, a bit of electronic wizardry..and the most amazing talent! Once again, you have to hear it/see it for yourself, but the most wonderful music, energy and passion flowed from that man and his violin, and I know I just never wanted it to end. He played two long pieces, one untitled, and one called 'The Solution'. Both brilliant. before one piece, Todd said, 'be careful listening to this, it'll mess with your head'. I laughed. But as the room filled with layer upon layer of music, like a full orchestra from just one man, there I was with my eyes closed, and suddenly inside my head was competely empty and still, like a dark cave, and it just filled and expanded with the music, it was really inside my head, until there was nothing but the music, and I was transported to a peace and relaxation and yet an energy for life I cannot explain. I did not want it to end....

When I opened my eyes, as Todd began his next piece, I saw sitting in front of me, the silhouette of what looked like a small, lonely gnome, sitting cross legged on a low stool, enthralled by Todd's music, and I so wanted to get up and sit next to him, and give him a hug and say, thank you, Steve, for this music, and for this moment. But I didn't move...the thought was there...and now I've said it....

The three joined together, with another singer, Julie, to improvise and finish the evening, and this time I had to watch all of them working and playing together in real time, beautiful harmony and sensitivity. Sitting next to me was one very stressed out management consultant, near the end of a hard week, dressed in a suit and tie and so feeling slightly out of tune with the gig...but as the last piece filled the room, I realised his head had fallen against my shoulder and the breathing was deep and slow, and he was still....after the music faded away into a silence that no-one wanted to break by clapping, he opened his eyes. 'You went to sleep didn't you?' I asked. 'No, actually I didn't, I was listening to the music and was just incredibly relaxed.'

I know exactly what he meant....

What Sally did next...

...was sit quietly at an outdoor table and looked after the bags once again while J and K went on the Glass Elevator. A sign said, not suitable for those with motion sickness, so I was not allowed to go, and happily sat enjoying being alive and feeling better, and sad to report, happily and proudly texting friends that it was only twenty past ten, and I had been sick already! If only I had my lap top......

So...to the rest of the day. Let me share a couple of the rides. Which would you prefer? J and K next went on Oblivion, and yes, I held their bags. And took photos:
I know you can't see them, but there they are, suspended for a moment before being dropped like a stone into a black hole in the ground, and I could hear the screaming long after the ride disappeared, then out of the tunnel they came, everyone screaming and lvoing it. Mad!!!!!!

As we walked on round the park, I saw a ride I wanted to go on. It looked perfect. Would J and K come on with me? No, they would not, this time they would hold the bags....ok, I'll go on my own, blow you..I left K with my phone to take a picture to prove I could go on a high ride on my own..really on my own, not another soul was on it at all.....

I climbed the tree carefully to the top and got into Squirrel Nutty's ride round Story Land. Gentle music accompanied me through the trees, and the tree house tunnel, and little nursery rhyme figures peeped round each corner..I went round twice, a ride which was pleasant, enjoyable, no queues and lasted far longer than the 45 seconds of the nasty rides. Pure joy.

As I climbed out and made my way down from the tree house, I spotted the sign that told me this ride had not been without risk, and I had been very brave...
but they didn't strap me in, but trusted me to sit still and behave.... having found the part of the Theme Park I liked, with no other visitors, and I do not exaggerate, it was Empty..I headed for Macdonald's Farm and the tractor
ride..that was good fun, and I had a horn I could sound, and steered carefully round all the corners, which creased K as she pointed out the tractor was on a self-guiding rail..... actually someone else came on the ride with me, but when I turned and took a picture said, 'If you publish that picture on the Web, I'll kill you' with such venom that I believed her...so sorry, no can do...... (but can I post the lvoeyl picture with the singing pig? Oh. please....)

I have no pictures of the gentle boat ride through the farm, with music and birdsong and clues to guess animals, and when you had guessed the animal, you had to press the right button on the boat to make the animal noise...J and K got on the boat saying, 'We can't believe we are going on the children's rides, this is so embarrassing..' then next minute they're quarrelling over whose turn it is to press a button..'It's not fair, you guessed last time..' Soon we gave up taking it in turns and were pressing all of our buttons at once, so the air was alive with mooing, buzzing, quacking, neighing, barking..And I thought, who can I ring and share this with....Oh, Liz, guess which ride we are on......

There was the lunch break, the donuts, the golf range where I almost won a new car...The Log Flume, the River Rapids, where J got so wet....It was excellent, excellent fun, we laughed ...and at the end of the day, when I was warm and dry in the driving seat of my car, in control of my life once more..I smiled and ate M and Ms all the way home....after stopping to sleep for half an hour in a service station as I was so tired..thank you guys for inviting me. I lvoe you!

Day Two of Our Adventures...

We left the hotel early, to take full advantage of the fact that the Theme park opens an hour earlier just for hotel customers for three of the Big Rides..and we wouldn't want to miss them, would we? So I follow the Keen Two, rucksacks bobbing on their backs, to the bottom of the car park to reach the Woodland Walk to the Theme Park. Unfortunately we reach a dead end, a wire fence, a couple of rubbish skips and some work men who think we are lost already...so we decide to give up on the healthy option and head for the mono-rail to get on the little train which runs us to the Theme Park. It is a pleasant ride, over the tops of the buildings and gardens, steady and slow, very pleasant, I've had my ride, seen the park, can I go home now?

No, we head to nemesis where I take one look and shake my head, and so hold the bags and coats of J and K who join the screaming few who are strapped in and hurled about at 90 miles an hour, upside down, sideways, there is a lot of screaming, and they emerge 50 seconds later, delighted with their experience. I couldn't even look.

I can tell J and K are getting worried that I won't have a Good Time today, I tell them I am happy being there, don't worry..but they tell me enthusiatically all about the next ride Air..it's not too bad, it's more gentle, you feel like you're flying..really, I'll like it..I take a look, but I'm really not sure, and a little internal discussion takes place in my head..oh no, I don't think so, oh go on, you know you want to, don't be a wuss, it looks fun, take a risk, join in, actually I love the feeling of flying, I'll go for it. So..Yes, I say, I'm in, much to the delight of J and K.

Next minute I am firmly pinned down by iron bars across my body and even cuffs round my ankles. I can't move. J and K are watching me like hawks. I try and hide the slight panic and feelings of claustrophobia....then suddenly the seats tip forward 90 degrees and we are facing the concrete. the ride starts slowly, and it is indeed like flying..it's ok..it picks up speed, faster and faster, and I am still ok until the sudden awful changes in direction which leaves your stomach and brain trying to catch up and I have to close my eyes and think of something else while I am hurtled through the air..then the ride flips 180 degrees and instead of facing the ground I am on my back facing the sky, then the ground again, then shooting to my right, then left..just as I am wondering how I can survive this, it stops, and I am released, with J and K still looking at me..I have made it..'yes, that was good fun' I say with a weak smile.'Oh, good' they say, happily.

Next we come across the Blade, which is just a large swing boat. How bad can that be? I like swing boats, gentle, backwards and forwards, no sudden movements, yes I am up for that, to J and K's great delight. Things are looking up. We get on the very back seat - of course - because that is where you swing highest. the boat starts, slowly backwards and forwards, I feel the wind in may hair, that lvoely swinging feeling..yes, J and K are still anxiously watching me and I smile and say 'Weeee' and wave my arms in the air and do all the right things..this is fun..then the swing boat gets higher and higher, and faster, until we swing so high I am almost upside down..a slight pause at the top, then down with such speed and force that my stomach is almost in my mouth..then a pause at the top the other side..then the same backwards and I realise I am really starting to feel sick. The good thing about these rides is that they are mercifully short, and so it is over, and I climb off, slightly wobbly. 'That was fun,' I smile. K looks at me. 'Would you like to sit down?' 'Yes please.' We sit on a bench and I do deep breathing and try and keep control. I say I must be sensible, and not over so it, I have such a sensitive stomach.

After a rest I am feeling better and we decide to head over to the Charlie and the Chocolate factory ride. I want to go in the glass elevator and see the oomph lamp's. It's a long walk, or we can take the cable car. Oh yes, I say, I love cable cars, no problem. So we get in a cable car with a few chatting teenagers, and we start talking, and the cable car moves out over the valley, over the trees tops...and suddenly, I know, for no apparent reason, all is lost. K looks at my face, and She Knows. She urges J to move quickly out of my way, and though I really, really, try not to....yes, I see my breakfast again. And so does everybody else. The chatting teenagers fall into a stunned and horrified silence, and when the cable car stops and the doors open, they jump over seats and fall over each other to get out. I am frantically trying to say sorry to everyone......

J and K are looking worried, and saying how guilty they feel, and I say no, I take responsibility for myself and my decisions. I say, I have feared this, since the memory of the very first year GB had a fair, and I was persuaded onto the waltzer by D Cullen and the mini Cullens, and despite my refusals, they wouldn't take no for an answer, and so as not to appear a kill joy, I went on..and vomited all over them for the entire ride. DC got most of it. One of the most unpleasant and embarrassing experiences of my life. I had to be escorted to my tent and left to lie down and hope to die....

J and K listen to this story and look at me in a 'Now you tell us..' kind of way....

The adventure continued....

After a fun day in the water, the Intrepid Three booked into their room at the Spl*shl*nds hotel, still in our white robes, 'borrowed' from the spa, with the agreement that we would return them there before 8pm....and what's the first thing you do after a day in water world? Have a shower!!! K went first, while I collapsed on the tiny bottom bunk and J worked out how to climb the ladder to the top bunk while she was still sober. She worried about how she would feel later, returning to such a brightly coloured room - even the carpet was like sand and water, with crabs and shell fish on..all suitably water-themed....

The plan was to meet a GB friend, G at a nearby pub- half an hour's drive away. Being the sober person, I offered to drive, much to J's delight, and she would navigate. She knew where we were going. Should I programme the sat-nav? No, no need. Right.

After driving for an hour and twenty minutes, in what felt like circles, and passing junctions with signs to Alton Towers, and even taking those roads sometimes, J gives in and makes a phone call to G, and we programme the sat nav to find North Staffs A&E and G will meet us there. The girls are suitably impressed by the sat nav having the hospital programmed in under 'Places of Interest' and we find it quite easily..Apart from J arguing with 'Freda'as she names the Voice, and as she was holding the sat nav in her hands, turning the sat nav round to see if the arrow would move like a compass.....

I have to say the pub we arrived at was not one I would normally spend an hour and twenty minutes driving to: part of a chain called 'The Hungry Horse' and full of people eating burger and chips, but then I'm a southern snob (no, K was with me on this..) but it turned out fine, the guys were friendly..K pulled with the manager..(oops, if S is reading this, only joking...) the food was fine and we had a good time with G. K and J had a good time with a reasonable quantity of white wine.

I insisted on programming the sat nav to get us back to Alt*n T*wers as a. It was late and dark and d. J was merry and not to be relied upon. I also wouldn't let her hold the sat nav and put it up on its cradle, getting very firm with her, and she looked very hurt. It was hard to concentrate on the sat nav with her in competition, the roads were hilly and windy and it took nearly an hour to get back..and it was past my bed time!!!!!

We were all tucked up in bed by midnight, K in the double (lucky lucky) and me and J in the bunks. All was well until we started the usual reminiscing..J to K''Do you remember Sally's face when she came off the Mega Blaster?' and that sort of thing..and I remembered getting stuck in the rubber ring, and just got the silent giggles..all J and K could hear was the bunk bed creaking, and J was worried about the shaking of it..until we were all helpless...oh, I've only got to the end of Day One.....

Welcome to Spl*shl*nd

The first day....a quiet introduction to Alt*n T*wers, when J,K and me went into the hotel spa and did some serious catching up whilst sitting with our feet in foot spas, lying on heated ceramic loungers, or sitting in the gorgeous jacuzzi. Fortunately it was very quiet, we had the place almost to ourselves.

Then there was lunch, while we were still dressed in our white towelling bathrobes, and it was warm enough to sit out on the terrace, to continue talking and sharing, and enjoying a lovely lunch.

Afterwards, back to the spa, to lie in the meditation room, a warm, dark, scented room, with heated ceramic loungers, calm music and star lights on the ceiling. It was an oasis of calm and we could have laid there for a while, letting our lunch go down, only after one minute, K said the room made her feel sick so we all had to leave. Remember that when you think I'm a wuss for getting sick on a scary ride.....

After a short sit in the steam room, and then the Roman sauna, and a last visit to the jacuzzi, we decided we were calm enough to cope with a visit to Caribba Creek, the Spl*shl*nd complex attached to the other hotel.

Again, this huge water complex was amazingly quiet, very few visitors, so we could explore it at our leisure, finding the climbing tower, water pistols, the Tipping Bucket and so on. Of course I was taken up to the Mega Blaster water shute, and persuaded to sit on a large rubber ring, hold on tight to the handles and be pushed down the shute. OMG!!!! The first three seconds were fine, then the speed got out of control and I was shooting down into a dark tunnel and in fear of my life. As I came out of the tunnel I was suddenly going uphill on a kind of conveyor belt (visible in the picture below) with my bum, in the middle of the ring, bumping on the track below the water. Ow. As I got to the top, the water cleverly spun me round, and I disappeared into another tunnel and headed down it literally backwards, head first like a backward facing luge, and unable to see where I was going..then, splosh, I arrived in the splash pool.

K and J took one look at my face, and just wet themselves..did I want to go again..no thank you.... I did go down another shoot on a different coloured rubber ring, which wasn't quite so bad...and was persuaded down two shutes without a ring, and raced J and K to the bottom.

Then we swam through a plastic curtain and found ourselves outside in the Wubbly Bubbly pool which was an outdoor hot tub, and was so nice we stayed there a long time, relaxing and talking....

Oh joy, we then discovered the lvoely little river, which went round a large oval rock, with a gentle river current and water falls, and you could climb on a rubber ring and simply float round the river. K and J found a rubber ring. They then attempted to get me on it..they were pushing, I was pulling, and kept collapsing with laughter and falling down the middle. With no dignity left, I was eventually heaved up on to the ring, and happily floated round the river, joined by J and K . The occasional push off a rock was required to get you through tiny waterfalls....of course I got stuck at one point, K sailed by, unable to move me, and I eventually had to ask a little girl of about 6 swimming by to give me a push.

When it was time to go, one simply had to guide one's ring to the side and jump off, and climb out. Mmmm. J and K did just that and waited for me. I tried to lever myself off the rubber ring and failed, and so floated gently by with them gesticulating at me to come in... I sailed round the whole circular river again, helpless with laughter, knowing that without help I was destined to sail forever....

Fortunately, J and K had guessed my dilemma, and when I came round the rock at the third attempt, they kidnapped me, manhandled me to the side and to the steps and forcibly tipped me out of the rubber ring where I had become wedged. Oh, how we laughed.......

Ok, I own up....

...going to Alton Towers wasn't the most obvious choice for a day out for me. But the lvoely Jo and Karen had invited me, and besides, I'll try anything once...well, almost anything..I cannot understand the concept of people paying good money to be strapped into things which turn you upside down and inside out and spin up, down and sideways at 90 miles an hour, so that your brains come out of your ears. Or in my case, your breakfast comes out of your mouth.

At 10.20am..only an hour after entering the park, and after risking two 'tame????' rides, I threw up. On the Alton Towers cable car ride. Hundreds of feet up. With a captive audience of fellow cable car riders. Sorry. I knew that cooked breakfast was a mistake.

Anyway, that's enough for now. That should 'whet' you appetite to hear about the rest of the two days. The details tomorrow. With pictures!

A year on....

..as Caroline said, what a difference a year makes. This time last year was awful, mourning my mum, my dad really ill at home and a real worry, me nearly losing my job, getting four speeding tickets in two months and nearly losing my licence...and the year has been hard.

I feel quite a different person (well, I would if I got half a chance..stop it...) one who can walk the dog and enjoy the surroundings, the bird song, and not cry the whole time, or need to ring good friends to cry to and talk to while walking. When the pain was too much to bear. I am down to a pill every other day, and my counsellor is so pleased with me!!!
Ok, so I cried before the cup final, when the crowd sang 'Abide with me' but we did have it at my dad's funeral, and the words absolutely get to me, and it was Liverpool playing, and I would have been watching it with my dad once upon a time....I do miss them, I had a cry, then watched Liverpool win the cup. Triffic.

I encouraged GOM2 out on two further dog walks over the weekend, and we threw balls for hours on end for his dog, while my dog ambled about in a sniffy, enjoy the ambiance sort of way. I took this picture, (above)facing up to the sky, through the canopy of new leaves.

Even tho I bought two extra balls with me, we still had to search for hours if a ball disappeared into greenery. DC can be very focused when he wants to, and doesn't notice when I and both dogs have lost interest and continued with the walk. leaves.....

Reminds me of the focus he had when a crowd of us did a post-it note exercise one weekend, and DC stood facing a wall covered in post-it notes, and sorted them out into themes. His concentration was so intense, he didn't notice 20+ people leave the room, and turned round on completion of his task to find himself all alone.....

Anyway, a year on, and I have some time for me, time and space which I am really valuing and enjoying. Tomorrow I am taking 2 days off work and joining 2 friends at Alton Towers - just for fun!! Never been before - I'm really looking forward to it. My bag is packed..only one more sleep....

Welcome to my world.....

..it's a bit late really, to welcome my regular readers to my world....but sometimes I think I do inhabitat a parallel universe..strange things just happen to me!

Take last Thursday..oh, this involves two friends, DS and DC, neither of home I have seen for weeks..really...then, like buses, two come along at once..anyway, there I was happily working on Thursday afternoon, when I get a text from DC, saying he is in St Albans having finished a meeting early, and would I like a tea break to catch up and chat? Never knowingly one to refuse a tea break, I agree to meet in 'the usual place', ie Puccinos, round the corner, where I am rather well known as a regular. I am there at least once a week, occasionally more: last two recent visits were with Caroline and Laura.

So I set off to Puccinos, laughing to myself, because as it happens, I had lunch in there with DS, not two hours before. And I had had a laugh with two of the lovely waiters - as I paid the bill, I noticed, because nothing gets past me, that one glanced at me, said something to the other, he glanced at me and both smiled. It was fleeting, a nano second, but I Noticed. Given that they are not English, I didn't know what was said, so I challenged my waiter. 'Was he rude just then?' Smirk. 'No.' 'Come on, what did he say?' Silence. 'What did he say about me?' DS starts to get nervous, sally is not going to let this go. Waiters look at each other and smirk. (What do you think they said? Before I tell you.....make a mental note and see if you guess correctly....)

'We are Czech, and he said that you look like the wife of the Czech prime minister.' Well either it was true or he was a bloody quick thinker. I am trying to find pictures of her..no luck so far........

So in I walk, meeting DC at the door, and I say, 'Hi guys, long time no see,' to the smiling waiters, and DC says, 'My turn to come in for tea with her this time', knowing I have been recently with C and L.' Of course smirking Czech people know better, and ok, they are probably thinking, what a tart.

Anyway, we sit on the sofa, which is happily free, and I turn to DC and say, I've been thinking. Thinking what dear, he says, in anticipation of me sharing my innermost thoughts. 'I've been thinking, I probably look like the wife of the Czech prime minister.' Stunned silence. Mouth open a bit. 'Ummmm..pardon?' I repeat it, and then he laughs, and looks at me like I am mad, and says, 'Where did that come from?' 'I don't know, I just think I might.' DC studies the menu, half laughing and actually, on a rare occasion for him, lost for words. How does he respond to this?

The waiter comes up for our order..(is he still smirking?) DC orders a latte. 'I'll have a cafe creme..and shall I ask him, he might know if I'm right.' 'What?' says DC..'How...' 'Excuse me,' I say, 'Do you think I look like the wife of the Czech prime minister?' ''Yes, definitely,' says Czech waiter and departs with our order, grinning.

'Told you', I say. DC looks like he really has tipped up in a parallel universe and he doesn't know what to do. This tea break was not normal. By which time I could not keep up casual strangeness, and have to collapse, confessing I was in here two hours ago, and telling him about the earlier conversation.

And I'm not sure the bruises are going to heal......

So tired......

I forget that some of us are not as young as we were..Sophie is coming up for 14, in dog years, and in human years that is almost 98! She is so lively and frisky, you wouldn't know, except for the increasing greyness -aren't we all! - but now that I am more keen to go out for long spring walks, I suddenly realised that on the home-ward journey I am alone..and there, a little way behind me, is a tired dog, walking slowly and trying not to limp....and collapsing in her basket is definitely on her mind.....
But if you saw her jumping and running up and down to the door beforehand asking to go out for a walk....I need to remember not to stay out so long.......

The world is full of......

..Grumpy Old Men. I should know. I know two of them. GOM1 cam home from work on Friday evening and sank onto the sun lounger next to mine - I woke up from my spring evening snooze and tried to make pleasant conversation, but it was comical how Grumpy the responses were..when I shared about the French market visiting St Albans (cheese? olives? you can buy those on the ordinary market, not very original...) the building work going on next door (what have the builders done today, I can't see much change..) and so on, a negative comment to everything I said, until I said, actually, I'm not going to talk to you any more, and went back to sleep. There was a Grumpy sort of 'Hmmph' sound and he read the paper.

He went off to a lecture by a Christian writer, Keith Ward, he has been reading his books and is well impressed. I declined to join him to hear 'Is religion more dangerous than God?' in favour of a warm spring evening dog walk, which is developing into a lovely habit with me and Sophie.....

Next minute GOM2 rings to chat on his way back from a full day of Important Business Meetings, and on discovering that GOM1 is out, and his wifey and daughter are also out, he suggests calling in for a coffee and a chat. 'Or we could meet for a dog walk,' I suggest chirpily. There is silence. 'A dog walk?' 'Yes.' (He doesn't, as a rule, walk their dog. Not in his job description. Sees it as a chore.) 'I'm very tired, have been up since 6.30am, just want to collapse.' 'Nonsense, if wifey and daughter are not there, you dog must need a walk, and the fresh air will do you good, come on, meet you there in 20 mins.' A discussion ensued in which I realised he really, really didn't want to walk the dog, and so being the empathetic, caring person I am, I started saying, 'OK, no worries, we won't go for a walk, just come round for coffee', then GOM2 was saying, in that slightly sulky way, 'No, no, you obviously want to walk your dog, we'll do that, it's ok,' and so it went on until we met in the Wick. All week I have enjoyed the peace of the woods, the green spring leaves on the trees, the blue bells in abundance, the amazing bird song, and warm evening sun sprinkling through the trees. And as Jude says on her blog, sometimes you just have to share these things!

Even as I reached the Wick, I started to feel chilly in my T shirt - it had clouded over..never mind. GOM2 and 3 legged dog appeared, and I could tell immediately we were sulking. I was in such a good mood, that GOM1 or GOM2 could not dampen, so I continued to chat happy thoughts, as GOM2 threw the ball for his normally energetic dog..and she sat down. He tried again..and she sat down. He decided her one remaining back leg must be causing trouble, but I could see by the way she sat down, it was something else. Her bum was annoying her. As she moved, I could see something..oh dear..she has a bum problem, I said. It ended up with me trying to hold doggy still while GOM2 investigated under the tail and removed something with his hand in a plastic bag. He was not happy. I was laughing. At this point it started raining.......

Let's walk in the wooded bit to shelter from the rain, I said. The other reason for avoiding the field was that it was full of Friday night excited teenagers with bikes, tinnies and a lot of shouting...one could harldy hear the birds singing. This did not impress GOM2 either.' 'I thought you said it was peacful here?' Well, yes, on any other night, and also it was sunny every other evening...

So we continued our walk, in the woods, with a now comfortable 3L dog anxious to play ball. GOM2 has a long yellow plastic stick thing with a ball cup on the end, and if you use it properly, it throws the ball miles without hurting your back. When the dog returns the ball, you simply push the cup onto it, and so pick the ball up without having to bend down. Genius for dog owners with bad backs. I wanted a go. Careful, says GOM2, as we are in the woods, throw it straight or we'll lose it.' I lob the ball, experimenting with the yellow plastic stick, not exactly a straight shot, and the ball flies out sideways, hits a tree and flies into the middle of a clump of nettles. Opps, sorry, I say, laughing, then realise my companion is not laughing. Instead there isa resigned sigh, a stiff smile, and next minute he is in the middle of the nettles (the dog, of course, refuses to go in) smashing about with the yellow stick trying to find the ball. I join in, saying sorry a lot and trying not to laugh. We look for a while. No luck. Oh leave it I say - it was very old, chewed tennis ball - not Wimbledon standard - but with clenched jaw, he carries on swiping at nettles and looking determinedly for the ball.

Never mind, just get another one. Oh yes, just get an other ball, plenty more where that came from, says GOM2, still face down in nettles, so I retire to a nearby log to reflect that, how strange it is, when you think you know someone...and of course I shouldn't assume he can just afford to lose an old tennis ball, and I must give him some of my old ones to make up..I am still in a startlingly good mood, and am just moved to giggles by the sight of GOM2 swishing and swashing in the nettles after a good 10 minutes, unaware I have gone, and in fact, he is probably imagining it is me he is thrashing...

I risk a text message...'Give up' he looks up as his phone beeps, sees me sitting on the log and guesses...he walks towards me, reading the text. 'Oh, ha,' he says. 'Am I being a pain?' No, I say, but I am sending you off home now to have a rest, you are very tired, goodbye. I walk him to his gate, see him off, and leg it back across the field past the screeching teenagers to my gate as it is getting dark.

As I walk home, still happy, still full of energy and marvelling at my good mood! my phone beeps with a text.

'Still walking home, but at least it's stopped raining and I've stopped sulking.' I hadn't mentioned the sulking at all, which had continued for the whole walk, at least he was acknowledging it himself, and good, now he was no longer with me, had stopped!!!

I texted back. 'That's ok. Goodnight, Mr Grump.'

The return text said, 'I know. I'm cross with myself for being a typical blokey. Thank you for inviting me out, Mrs-lovely-spring-evening-aren't -the-birdies-nice-in-the-rain..'

I smiled all the way home. And guess what was on TV? Grumpy Old men. And no, I didn't watch it. I didn't need to. And I warned GOM2 I would blog this. That took the smile off his face.

Photo gallery....

Yes, I've become a real David Bailey since the acquisition of my new camera-phone! This is a close up of the lvoely roses bought for me by Caroline, who is the perfect guest, arriving with flowers, chocolate and strange furry animals......

Next....

On Caroline's very first evening in St Albans, after coffee and chocolate cake in Puccino's, I made her accompany me and Sophie up to The Wick for an evening walk. Getting there, wheeling round the woods, then across the field and home again looked very tiring in a manual wheelchair. No wonder I needed a sleep on our return home.....

Last but not least....

Next day, after a day of shopping in St Albans which included a break for lunch outside in the sun at Carluccio's - yes the service was bad, but what the heck? Were we in a hurry? No we weren't. We were ladies who lunch and have all the time in the world. After a bit more shopping, there was tea outide in the sun at the Waffle House, by the river at the water mill, with the most delicious banana milk shakes in the world, and banoffee waffles to die for....then we crossed the road and went for a walk in Verulamium park, and saw the cute little moor nens in their nests.......do you know, I am beginning to realise I gave my guest such a seriously good time, (and this was only day two) I am amazed she went home. But then she had her highly rewarding job to go back to........

Birthday reflections...

Clive's birthday today. He brought me breakfast in bed and I gave him his pressie and card! Fair exchange I think.

I drove for an hour this morning to attend a seminar in a remote village hall, which was not only boring, but not useful, it was over in an hour, and I was back speeding down the Al, dodging the speed cameras in the summer sunshine. Laura was around today, so I figured that after yesterday I had earned lunch. We ate in Carluccios, always a good place to be! After an afternoon's work, I headed home to find Laura already there with the kettle on and the chocolate biscuits out..what a good girl she is. We sat out in the sun and enjoyed girlie gossips, awaiting the arrival of Clive, James and Mec, and the lvoely Chinese takeaway, before settling down for the evening's excitement..The final of The Apprentice! Did the right woman win..I think so..Alan Sugar was obviously pleased with his choice...!!!!

Then it was time for coffee and birthday cake, and a time to remember various birthdays past...and James to realise he doesn't want to be 30 later this year...I remember my 30th like it was yesterday, I remember the party I had, what I wore..and James was amazed to think that he was there, aged 7!!!!! Doesn't time fly.......

Stress, stress and more stress....

Did I mention I got a little stressed today? Have been trying to catch up with work, but it's so full on, and after work yesterday I had counselling, and my counsellor was telling me I need to get in touch with my anger, I am far too calm....she thinks I can't get angry! I immediately obliged her with shouting down the phone at the next person who rang me..a barrage of abuse to which there was no come back and then I ended the conversation abruptly.

Didn't feel any better though, a good row needs a resolution, instead I was still angry..after Clive went out I curled up with the dog on the sofa and went to sleep...helped a bit..had a fitful night's sleep and woke up still stressed and was on the phone to Rosemarie by 8am to talk over a Child Protection problem I had to deal with today.

Had a hard day with one meeting after another, no time to think, no lunch, and it ended at 4pm with a phone call from someone who was really winding me up and I was in danger of becoming very cross..so ended the conversation and told N and MA I was leaving for the day before I popped...I don't think they have seen me so wound up....hard to deal with work stuff when personal stuff is still bugging..but then the person in question rang and invited me for a drink and some time to talk and catch up which helped..before I did a bit of frantic late night shopping for Clive's birthday tomorrow...this time last year I was on gardening leave from work..quite tempted to ask for it again!!!!!!

Sorry..sorry..sorry...

I have lost count of the number of times C said sorry after her arrival! And I was so excited she had made it..I didn't underestimate the Bigness of the occasion..the longest journey she had driven on her own in about 20 years! And after such a sh*t and stressful day at work too...

So there I was, being pleased she was here, and there she was, apologising for being here, being a bother, being in the way,....and how do I reward all the effort to get here, and show her how pleased I was to have her staying??? I fall asleep! Wednesday evening, there we were after dinner, curled up on the sofas ready for a long girlie chat, and I was asleep in minutes! Had to apologise and get off to bed at about 10.30pm or something ridiculous.

After a hard day's shopping in St Albans and tea at the Waffle House on Thursday, we got home and collapsed..and yes, I went to sleep! I was more exhausted than Caroline! Same after a lovely, lovely day at the Craft Fair at Hatfield House..mind you, we both has a sofa each and went to sleep, I had to wake Caroline up to eat her dinner....we had a text from Liz saying, I know you two will be up half the night talking and eating chocolate...if only you knew...

Saturday night, Caroline's last night, a special dinner followed by watching American Beauty...it was really good, we hadn't seen it in ages..but as Caroline spotted, I slept through quite a lot of it, that girl doesn't miss a thing. I can't remember being so tired...

So I spent a lot of time apologising for sleeping and being boring, and worrying that C wasn't having a nice time, and thinking she would have more fun staying with another friend up North....so I said sorry a lot, and C said sorry a lot.... what are we like???????

I really loved having my friend to stay. She is so not here now, it's scary........ (private joke..)

She made it!!!!

In about three and a half hours. A result! And here's the proof.....

Work work and more work....

I worked on it for three hours on Bank Holiday Monday. I am putting together a submission for our NHS funding to be continued. It has to be in by Friday, and guess what, I am on leave Thurs & Fri cos I have a fieend (typo, I thought I'd leave it..!!) coming to stay and play....why does work get in the way of plans for playing? I worked on it most of yesterday, and last night, and took it to M my Chair, at 10pm for him to look at it and write a supporting letter...

Other news of yesterday: after offers and counter offers and negotiations, Laa and Mec have got the house! Now it is all mortgage talk, and surveys and solicitors and money and it's scary, but she keeps ringing me to talk about it and ask advice and it's very lvoely to be needed and involved...I am helping with the deposit, but my condition is that I help to move in on moving day! I have made it clear I would be upset to be left out , they will have to put up with me getting in the way and being excited, but after that I have promised to leave them alone unless invited round for tea! Although I suspect it will probably be invited round to help with painting or gardening.....

Personal news: right, I have been feeling a lot better, I hope this has been reflected in my blog. I have cut down on the anti-depressants, missing every third day, so far so good...I had bereavement counselling yesterday and we were talking about how well I am doing, how far I have come - she was very impressed with all my cleaning, it's cleansing and cathartic and me taking control again. We talked about coming to the ending of counselling, and it's only then I got tearful! She hurriedly put in another couple of sessions to take me to the end of June, and the week of the anniversary of dad's death. It feels like I will have come full circle.

It's amazing the difference a year makes! Now I am feeling so much better, and more in control, and finding Me again and enjoying time and space and my own company..this time last year was the worst bit of dad's illness, and I was worried, stressed, a mess. Whizzing up and down the motorway and collecting my 4 speeding tickets! Next week is also the anniversary of my job disaster, almost losing my job, my blog, and life as we know it. It will be a year, and all the nasty stuff can be taken out of my file at work and shredded...it will be as if it didn't happen....

Lots to celebrate...mostly, the support of you, my friends in blog land...I can't express how much your lvoe and care has meant to me. Thank you. Now I have to go to work and get on with this bl**dy funding submission....

And finally.....

..a good bank holiday Monday to follow! We went with Laa and Mec to do a second viewing of a little house I looked at with them last week...it's lovely and after some thinking they have decided to out an offer in!!! My baby...might be really grown up and own (figuratively speaking..) a house. And it's two minutes drive from my house, which is lvoely, I didn't think they would settle in St Albans, Brighton and London having been talked about..still, I won't say too much about it til it's signed and settled..then I'll moan like hell about the kitchen which is lvoely and mine is not.......should one envy one's daughter's kitchen???

They came back for coffee and hot cross buns while we debated their finances and we all put our sensible heads on rather than the 'I love the shower, buy the house' and 'Oh they have a little cat and a cat flap, like you, it must be a sign' sort of discussion which me and Laa have and Mec just looks at us sadly.....

After they left I got back into devastating spring cleaning mode, starting with the downstairs loo and continuing with the lounge, moving large red sofas and hoovering into every corner, under cushions and everything....only frustration was a little tool from the hoover missing, the very one I needed with a brush one side and flat bit the other for doing the sofas..why is there always the one bit you need missing?

Had a much needed break to go doggy walking with good friends J and P and doggy Ellie, to the bluebell woods in Sandridge. They know me well enough and are understanding and long suffering enough to listen to me go on about anything and everything from my feelings about my parents, work, home and the urgent need for a new toy boy. 'What's the criteria?' said J. 'Just sex?' As if! 'No,' I said, 'Just occasional availability to talk to me, and not say, 'Shouldn't you have achieved closure on this by now?' when I mention my father....

A dog walk with J usually ends in a cup of tea and something lvoely that she has made, this time, shortbread, and I, at last, gave in to her curiosity about my blog, and showed it to her and gave her the web address. J is doing an MA or MSC or something impressive, and is worried she might start spending time reading blogs instead of working on her essays. Now that won't happen, boys and girls, will it????