Back to earth....

..not with a bang, but a whimper. Yes, the weekend was good, real and sustaining. Work is busy, challenging, rewarding, frustrating, enjoyable, and lots of other things, but of course I am no longer allowed to talk about work on my blog. Which is a shame because I would love to continue sharing stuff with you, the highs and lows etc etc, but there it is......

But back to earth, because the other stuff, the relationship stuff, continues to be hard. I am in no-man's land really, waiting, practising patience - trusting God?? and giving space to someone else. Where will it end? Who knows. I am doing really, really well..but if I should fall...please be there to catch me.

J's relationship with H has ended. he has madde a most difficult and heartbreaking decision, and he feels terrible...dreadful, but ultimately he feels he has made the right decision. How H must be feeling, having made the move over here from the States, you can imagine. J feels so bad that he doesn't deserve ever to find happiness with anyone. He is my bo6y, I admire him for making a tough decision and trying toi behave honestly and honourably...having struggled with this for a long time. They both need prayers too.

By the way, some of his designs are now 'out there' in the press and in the H*bit*t stores. Look out for his name, JP, and of course, buy his furniture, they may well be collectors items in the future....

Fun with tongues......

...Caroline forgot to mention that. She bought space dust. So there was that wonderful moment when she, Liz and I were sitting together, all with our tongues out, feeling the space dust fizz and pop and crack and explode on our tongues...sorry, there is no photo of this bizarre moment..... you had to be there....

It was the best weekend I have had for a long time. Sitting down to chat and catch up, starting at 6pm Friday night, and finishing at almost 5am Saturday morning..that's almost 12 hours non stop talking, and it was effortless, simply effortless.

We ate a lot, lovely food, talked a lot and slept a bit. The sky was vivid blue, the sun shone, the hotel staff were more wonderful than any I have known (the difference between Gloucester and Cheltenham?) The Cotswold countryside was beautiful and stunning.

Did I mention that we laughed? Can't remember what about (and if i can remember, I'm not telling). Sorry to the blokey who rang to complain about the sexist nature of the weekend. It was just about spending time with people you want to spend time with, and don't often get the chance. Did I manage to shock Liz? If not shock, worry a little anyway... and she didn't make me cry once.

I drove home feeling peaceful. I slept well. I had a good day today. I talked about the weekend in bereavement counselling and smiled and didn't cry. You know, good friends are so good for one's mental health...even if someone did wake up on Sunday morning shouting, 'It's Christmas! Happy Christmas.....'

Oh nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo............

How could I be so stupid? I broke all my own rules. I am Not Thinking Clearly. I am a Bear of Very Little Brain. I have a love hate relationship with my hair (ok, all those who don't want to read shallow blogs about hair or shoes etc turn away now), I think most women do. I don't like it short. I like it long. I always used to have it long. These days, being of a certain age, I have it shorter, but I still like the feeling of having hair to flop over my face. (Why? Sorry, this is not a therapy session.)

It had got long, a bit thick, out of shape and was dominating my face. Well, all of me. An out of control bob which had gone a bit bushy. Some days I liked it. I made an appointment two weeks ago for a cut, but had such a bad day, the Saturday I kind of collapsed, I had to ring and cancel. I was in no fit state.

So I have left it. I have not been at my best this week, still fighting depression, and made a decision this was not the time to deal with my hair. But I had this big dinner last night - an Investors in People Award dinner where I was going to be presented with our award for winning IIP status last year. Smart event. Networking with Important People. Talking to people. Going up to get one's award in front of everyone. Now most of you know that would not phase me one bit. I thrive on such things. But when you are so fat you can't get into any of your smart clothes, you are feeling so low that you don't want to speak to anyone on the planet....(well, not quite true...aye there's the rub) and in the morning your hair looks a mess.....

So yes, I broke my rules. a. Had my hair cut three hours before going out to an Event. My rule is three days minimum to get used to a new cut. b. Was so desperate went accepted an appointment from someone I didn't know. A stylist. Not even a senior stylist. I did ask, does she cut well. And they said yes, so that was ok. Dur.....

So in I went. Don't take anything or not much off the front, please trim the back into shape and layer it slightly. Yes, she said. As she stared cutting, I said, how much are you taking off the back? She showed an inch or so between finger and thumb. OK I said. I stared into the mirror as she was cutting and sad, empty eyes stared back. A young girl with very, very, long thick dark hair was having a trim next to me, long bouncy layers which curled around her face and shoulders and down her back. Young. Pretty. Long hair. I closed my eyes.

When I opened them I flinched. Where had my hair gone? The sides. Layered and shorn. The back, layered and short. 'I have no hair left,' I said, clutching at the sides. 'How short do you like your fringe?' she said, approaching with the scissors. 'I like it left very long' I said, moving away. They all looked at me, these trendy young hairdressers, smiling, as I paid, stony faced willing myself not to cry in front of them.

I go home and look in the mirror. The tears started..I was going for the full upset. But wait...you have a Dinner to go to in one hour. You can go looking as ok as possible, with horrible hair wearing - what?? or you can go with horrible hair and red puffy eyes..which is it to be?

So I busied, ironing things, trying on things, (how smart will other people be? Will everyone be in suits? I'm too fat for my suits..) I found an outfit I was happy with. I did good makeup. I found a chunky trendy necklace. I looked in the mirror and thought..you'll be ok.

Funnily enough I had a good evening - I felt lighter, different. Not weighed down by hair. Mark said it looked nice. (My Chair.)

I drove home full of nice dinner, I even had my photograph taken for publicity - boy I am going to hate that appearing - but I did it, accepted my award - a small silver clock for my desk - and drove home.

I put my head round Clive's door, he was reading in bed. He never, ever notices my hair cuts or colour. Oh, he said, you've had your hair cut short. I don't like the whispy bits at the front. Then, after a pause, Actually I like it. It's different. Your face looks better.

So that's ok then. I have just got up and washed and blow dried it read to go to work. What does it look like? Dreadful! I am going to buy colour today and make it different again..why not?

I know, there are wars on, people starving, people dying. It's only hair. It will grow. I know. Sorry to blog on about it. But it's a tiny, weeny bit important to me..........

A good evening

What makes a good evening? Something good following a bad week...one of the bad things was running a Parenting Programme on Wednesday evening - no actually that was good because it was only session 3 and already those parents have made huge strides in dealing with what they thought were impossible problems: the session had a real sharing, successful, feel-good factor, and it was one of the best things of the week for me - what made it bad was it was on Wednesday, and yet again I couldn't make it up to London for Steve Lawson's gig. Attendance this year - nil. Will I make it in March? I hope so. Will Steve please stop planning gigs on the only evening of the week I am busy? Thank you.

Anyway, I digress..last night was good because I have spent so many evenings in front of the TV watching cr*p simply to avoid dealing with life..(The Antiques Road Show doesn't count - it's timeless, traditional Sunday evening watching) last night I watched Gideon's Daughter - had me tranfixed from beginning to end with the quality of the acting, the writing, the creativity....who would have thought up a painful, poignant scene where the actors are both holding guinea pigs? And that song...what words, how beautifully sung, I would also watch it obsessively over and over....even Bill Nighy managed to find a stillness in that role, and avoid the usual comic twitches..the use of silence, and looks that said everything....and Miranda Richardson, when she was overcome with grief outside the church.....that wasn't acting...it was brilliant...

Anyway, then I came to bed, and finished my book, Eve Green...a first novel by the author, beautifully told, and that slight feeling of sadness when you read the last line of a book, and close the page, because you've finished it...have to start a new one tonight....

Snap!

Reader, I installed my DAB radio. I cleaned and tidied the little shelf above my bed, moved my mum's radio to James' room, and placed my little radio/fridge/dishwasher/washing machine/microwave (see Caroline's blog for a pic) and plugged it in. I need to peruse the instruction leaflet to see how I actually make it function as a digital radio..but at least I have got it telling the right time..... then later I read C's blog and discovered that she has also installed her identical radio in her bedroom! Great minds think alike.

Had the most stressful dog walk ever yesterday when Jill and I were so busy talking that we lost our dogs. Sophie was found walking home - having crossed a busy main road - and Harry was picked up by a nice lady who bought him home by car. How Sophie didn't get killed going home on her own I will never know..the same wonderful good fortune that preserved Laura on the two occasions she ran into the road as a tiny tot. Actually..three....someone was really looking after her on those occasions. I was feeling so very low yesterday, like things can't get worse. After I was reunited with Sophie, I thought, someone is telling you to count your blessings..appreciate what you have got, instead of what you haven't..and your lovely, loyal, licky, waggy tailed dog is one of them.

Not having a good time..

..not a good time a the moment..I'll spare you the details..prayers and hugs please...and the news tonight, about the baby killed by its parents..I know I'm not allowed to talk about my work..but many of the families I work with are vulnerable..and they do cause worry...when do you pass things on, when do you wait and see, when do you take action, when do you over-react un-necessarily, when do you not do enough....volunteers come and talk to me, quite rightly, and the buck stops here.....thank goodness it's the weekend, I need it...and next weekend especially so!

Chocolate, tea and bobbing....

I have come home slightly early, and am curled up on the sofa with a cup of tea, a bar of whole nut and the two women bob on the TV. Almost as exciting as the curling! I definitely have hibernating, squirrel like aspirations until at least May.....

Slept well last night, sheer emotional exhaustion! Woke in the early hours to go to the loo and what was playing in my head? 'If I were a rich man' sung by Topol, from Fiddler on the Roof. I went to see Fairport Convention on Friday, have been listening to their album in the car.....and that is what my head plays at night...so very, very bizarre. And the dreams, don't get me going on the bizarre dreams I have...

Was co-facilitating some workshops today at a conference...had to run the same workshop 3 times. I walk in, and who is sitting in my first workshop but my bereavement counsellor who saw me for a hour last night being a complete emotional wreck! Excellent...sure she is just as surprised to see me!!!

Was a good day. Feel I have earned my early finish and sofa time. Any excuse.....

Another anniversary...

Didn't go to work this morning. Decided I needed some 'duvet' time and also rang C to wish her well for Salisbury and probably made her late in the process. Sorry! Wished my dad a happy birthday and looked at some photos...rang my mum's sister in Bristol who, on hearing my voice, said, This time last year we were with your dad eating cake and celebrating his 80th! We were..and he was asking what we were doing there, and when were we going to go home and leave him in peace....

I was on the phone nearly an hour, we both cried a bit, but we talked about mum and dad and past memories. I realised that is what I needed..no-one here is really able to talk about them, so I don't..and I needed to know I wasn't the only one keeping them in my thoughts. I think I'm not doing well, but I went to work this afternoon and then to bereavement counselling, and my counsellor reassures me I am really doing very well! So that's all right then.

I did something positive yesterday. We are free this Easter, for the first time in four years, so I have booked a little hotel in the country, for me Clive and Sophie dog to get away and do some walking..I actually made a decision and booked it! Shropshire, here we come! (Well, in April, anyway...)

Oh how I laughed.....

This picture on Caroline's blog made me laugh, because I was just about to blog about my DAB radio..it is identical! I was given it for Christmas by a friend, not a million miles away from where I live (mmm..must speak to him about the 'near bottom of the range' comment...cheapskate).

I had no idea what the gift was except the card said it was something to help my sleepless nights..as I started to open it, and take it out of the box - watched by fascinated children....the side came out first, white, with this circle in the middle...a very small washing machine. For washing my smalls in the middle of the night when I can't sleep. No, said James, it's a dishwasher.....no, it's actually a microwave for heating midnight snacks..... we all ended up with tears rolling down our cheeks..it is really white and plastic and we could not believe it when we realised if was a DAB radio. The top loading washing machine lid is actually for top loading CDs.

I have to admit I haven't yet installed it in my bedroom, which was the plan..I haven't worked out how to use it as a radio, but it does a great quick wash.....(miaow..)

Caroline, get it out of the box..it is so entertaining..we can both own one, and Liz.......what are you waiting for?

Oh, the swollen eyes.....

I don't look good this morning. (Do I ever?) But did so much crying yesterday my eyes are more than puffy, practically closed over. What was it about..complicated..lots of things..my excuse was that it was my mum's birthday, she would have been 81, and tomorrow would have been my dad's birthday. At least we celebrated his 80th last year. But I have done a year now, and i tought it was ok..... maybe it was hormones, that's another excuse, maybe I was mourning something else..a life I want but can't have... I was alone all day and that was ok, I like my own space, I had things to do..but the well of sadness got deeper all day until when I let myself cry..I couldn't stop, and I thought I would never stop..I had to go with it, but the more I cried the more sad I got, mourning all the losses and wanting something/someone who can't be there for me....

James rang to say he was coming over in the evening, and he knew from the short phone call all was not well. Next minute Laura arrives, alerted by an emergency call from her brother, to make me tea and sit with me while I cry. I really wished he hadn't called her, I didn't want to ruin her weekend - or anyone's, but she was lvoely and stayed for ages and talked and listened and tried to understand my sadness even though I can't explain it... then James arrived and we had more tea and more hugs..Laura left the room for a minute, happy in the knowledge that I had stopped crying and was better, but when she came back, humming happily, she found her brother crying....her little face!!!! James still doesn't know what to do about his relationship, ahd had a week off work to 'think' but is no further forward, except more unsure, more guilty and more upset.

You know me, I love to entertain, keep people happy, I'll do anything for a laugh, anything, so I scored 100% by showing them my new teeth...well, you have to laugh, otherwise you'd cry......

By the time Clive came home in the evening from hard day at an exhibition, he found us busy, me lighting the log fire, and James and Laura off to buy food and rent a dvd for a cosy family evening in. They came back with a film Laura had chosen, she thinks she saw it once on a plane, a romantic comedy, so we all settle down in front of the fire with our chinese and pizza and watch 'The Perfcet Catch'..... which is set in Boston, so it is full of places James recognises and has been to with H.....and it's about a couple whose relationship is on and off until they get together in the end in spite of all their differences...'Good choice' I say to Laura, as we are painfully aware James has watched stony face throughout. (Watching his face and Laura's face during the film was entertaining...... ) Still, it gave us something to giggle about.

Sunday morning. James has brought me breakfast in bed. Time to get up and shower, bathe my eyes and face the day.

What music do you play in your head?

I wake up during the night or in the morning, and there is music playing in my head. Not the music I have been listening to during the day, but random songs. For instance, recently I had Away in a Manger playing, then the next night it was Kathy Kirby singing Secret Love (which I haven't heard for years): I wouldn't mind but I had been listening to an Art Garfunkel CD in the car. Please tell me if it happens to you, and if you have any idea where these random tunes come from......

Quiet night in tonight, been searching on the internet for somewhere to go and stay over Easter, with Sophie dog (and Clive!) to relax, walk and have a change of scene. So much choice, so many decisions, it's been hard...

Looking forward to tomorrow night. Taking Rosemarie to the Arena to see Fairport Convention, one of my favourite bands..after we have been out to eat first, of course. I need a distraction - James is having a very hard time, but is being very 'blokey' and has had a week off work and is not communicating with anyone..maybe he needs this time to think, but he is very low and upset, and it's hard not being able to do anything. Prayers and thoughts and good vibes are needed - not to make sure he makes the right decision, how can we ever know what that is - but the decision which seems right to him just now, but may be very hard and painful to make.

Don't you just hate it when that happens?

I worked hard on that blog. Put my soul into it. And added a picture. Press publish - all gone. Sorry, just couldn't be a***ed to write it all again. In brief: went to nice Italian restaurant with Laura, ate lots, then went to cinema (no room for chocolate...) saw Memoirs of a Geisha. Enjoyed it. The end. I think I wrote something about the film, atmosphere, music, role of women in society..blah blah, sorry it's all gone.

Curled under a duvet on the sofa late Sunday afternoon with a bar of chocolate and a cup of tea and watched Forget Paris, a romantic comedy starring Debra Winger and Billy Crystal. It was lovely.

Then cooked the large joint of beef bought in the rain a the farmer's market that morning. It was off. Oh the smell. felt quite nauseous while it was cooking..didn't help when the dog puked on the carpet just before I served up. The roast potatoes were nice......

Tonight- oh tonight - went with friends to a concert at the Alban Arena. I knew I'd hate it, but hell, what else to do with Valentines' evening? It was more dire than I can tell you. A Viennese Strauss evening. It finished early. It's only redeeming feature.

And God has found a way of making sure I diet. A way to make sure that I only eat if I absolutely have to. And even then it will be soup. I can't tell you what it is, but I am being punished for a lifetime's addiction to chocolate.

Seen the film, didn't read the book.....

not a bad week....

..considering I was really down on Monday and cried through most of my counselling session. But I bought the most wonderful fish and chips after, for my tea, and watched Life on Mars which made me laugh out loud......I love it.....

Tuesday evening I had a training session at the theatre with all the crew. I had worked on Sunday, arranging the lighting for the afternoon Tea Dance, which involved climbing the tallescope to change gels in lights up on the ceiling. I'm not frightened of heights, I don't mind actually being up there, it's more the climbing up and down and getting in and out of the railed platform at the top I don't like. Still, having focused the lights, I was able to then plot them on the lighting board and make the floor look pretty for the Oldies who would come to the tea dance...and satisfy the DJ, who is at least 85, and very fussy about his lighting!

The training session involved discussing health and safety procedures, back stage security, and learning how to tie various Useful Knots in lengths of rope. I was chuffed to realise that I learned the knots quicker than some of the younger male tech crew members, and was helping them to master them. I felt a bit like a scout leader! After messing about with some dodgy speakers, and standing round trying to sound knowledgeable about what might be wrong, it was 10 o'clock, and the whole crew retired to the pub for a beer. Except the sad, oldest crew member who went home to bed, a coffee and her book..I know I should have joined them, in the interests of being sociable...but my warm bed was calling....

Last night I ran the second session of my current Parenting Programme with parents young enough to be my children!!! and then today I went on a Child Protection training course. Can't believe it, ate my lunch with a police officer while we discussed the details of a recent baby rape case......unbelievable on all counts..

Rounded the day off by meeting my friend R for an orphans outing which involved coffee and shopping. Not as much buying as I would have liked, but we did try.....

The home for beans on toast and to watch an old episode of Judge John Deed I had missed. Splendid.

Sorry about the peace and quiet....

..but there are folks round here who have been much worse than me at blogging! Some people haven't blogged since Christmas! Come on back, I miss you.......

I know, I haven't blogged since just after midnight on Tuesday..originally it was because I was busy, but on Friday morning things went downhill and I lost heart to blog....looking on the bright side, it's my first bad days for a few weeks, and they are bound to happen now and again.

I shouldn't be down, I have such lvoely friends, such as the very lvoely Caroline. I was in work on Wednesday when a man delivered a big box, and I elbowed my way in front of my secretary in a childish 'I want to open it' kind of way, although I suspected it may only be stationery, I love opening things and I lvoe stationery,..but then I saw it wasn't addressed to the company, but me as an individual. So I started to get more excited, cos I knew I hadn't ordered anything..what could it be....

There was lots of lvoely bubble wrap and then boxes wrapped and tied with yards of pink ribbon..from Wh*tt*rds the famous coffee company...three boxes, containing a variety of lvoely goodies in purple tissue paper...de-caf fruit teas, de-caf fresh coffee, a mug and marshmallows, and a box of hot chocolate, chocolate biscuits, and chocolate flakes. And a card saying..'Sleep well, love Caroline.' By this time the office was a sea of bubble wrap, wrapping paper, ribbon and tissue paper, and came in thinking she had missed my birthday! Ho, it was just a happy Wednesday present. Do I feel guilty cos all I got C for Christmas is another sodding giraffe........

So I promise not to feel low and want to hide in bed (I didn't get up til mid-day on Saturday!): it sounds really, really stupid I know, but I have had so many years of having to go to Bristol, now that I have my life back, I'm not sure what to do with it. Before, I didn't have to think....I just did. But while I am thinking, I can have the most gorgeous cup of hot chocolate with real chocolate flakes on......

Out and about......

What a busy bunny I have been. First, dog walking with Peter and Jacky on Saturday, followed by tea, biscuits and a good chat as usual. Then, Sunday morning, I decided to go to church. No pressure, so it was my decision. It was ok. Then home for a coffee followed by a dog walk with Jill and Harry (Jill being my friend, Harry Sophie's young boyfriend) in the sunshine - a cold crisp but beautiful afternoon.

Then, amazingly, like being invited round to Buckingham Palace for tea, we got an invite to Laa and Mec's for afternoon tea, which was very pleasant, haven't caught up with them in a while.

Sad news on Monday from James, who is having a rough ride at the moment, love life wise; he and H are 'having a break' to think, and there is great upset on all sides. I have done a bit of telephone counselling, and have also texted H to offer support as I am trying to be caring and not take sides. On the plus side, James has been offered another year's contract with H*bit*t and apparently has a mention for one of his designs and a name check in this month's W*rld of Interi*rs magazine. Y'all rush out to buy it now!

Tonight Clive, Jill, Ian and I went to see Robert Lepage's new one man play at the Barbican, 'The Anderson Project.' Amazing. What an imagination. What creativity. Makes me feel sluggish and lazy. In one of those amazing coincidences, in the restaurant beforehand I bumped into one of my dramatherapy tutors from my Post Grad more than 10 years ago. We said hello and moved on. The Barbican was packed out - hundreds of people. When the lights went up at the end of the show and we turned to leave, the same tutor and his partner were sitting in the seats next to us, I hadn't realised. Small thing, but how incredible, really???

The play was two hours without an interval. It was riveting, stunning. And yes, I still managed to have a little sleep in the middle......

About the diet...

On Monday, which was a good day, I said I was going on a diet and giving up chocolate. Caroline said she gave it til Wednesday. Clearly she over estimates my willpower. It lasted until Tuesday, when I had a bit of a bad day. I had chocolate biscuits. Wednesday I had chocolate cake (not my fault, they put it out for lunch on my training course) and there were chocolate buttons on the table too (I do hope the others didn't want any) then on the way home I was incredibly sleepy and I had to pull off and go and buy a coffee, and somehow a couple of packets of M&Ms got into the bag.

Thursday I bought petrol and a bar of Cadbury's Dairy milk crept in, and on Friday the lovely man who gave me the chocolate orange last week gave me a dark chocolate bounty...now they are very hard to find, but when we do, we know the rules..we have to buy a couple. I ate it in the car before I got home.

Today, Saturday, I popped out for bread and dog food, and somehow an iced ring donut came home with me.... come to think of it, this diet really isn't going well, is it?

If I am not going to be a new slim me, then I have become a new slightly red/auburn me as I was bored this morning and dyed my hair.

Sorry, I will try and think of something to make my blog more thought provoking/arty/political ....hang on while I have a chocolate biscuit and think about it...

Such a busy week.....

Work is so busy. Not enough hours in the day. Was on a training course on Weds, an hour or so up the A1. I was - unsurprisingly - acutely conscious of the speed limits. It made for an irritating drive. All the way the speed limit varied between 30 and 60 then unrestricted - not actually sure if that still means 60 on an A road, or 70?? - but it meant I was constantly slowing down or speeding up, sometimes just for yards, one minute 50, oops now 30, oh this bit 60, and so it went on. I seemed to have a queue of irritated drivers behind me who all then overtook me on the slow bits. Should I have a notice on my back window saying 'Sorry, but I have 12 points.' Er, perhaps not, on reflection, it might make me a bit of a target for bored policemen... on the other hand, that could be fun.....

Finished the day off with a finance meeting which finished at 11.30pm. Which meant when at a meeting yesterday afternoon, during a fairly boring presentation I was nodding off.... I was alone last night, (just for a change) so changed into my jim jams and curled up on the sofa with a large coffee, a packet of digestives, the dog (yes I broke my rule about dogs on the sofa. I needed a cuddle) and watched...um...Hotel Babylon. Oh dear...then, being sleepy and very sensible - Caroline do you hear this - being sensible went to bed at 10.15pm. Went to sleep. Woke at 1am, 3 am, 5am and finally 6.30am when I gave up trying to sleep. Think I am suffering from night starvation....

It went like clockwork!

Yes, it went fine. Clive and I went early over to the charity in Hatfield and dropped the desks off. Yesterday morning I didn't know what on earth to do with them, the suddenly both were wanted, and Clive and I cleared them out of the office, put up new shelves, and there I was at 10 to 9 on my way to the office, bright and early, ready to clear a space for the desks which were due to arrive mid-morning - I asked the company to ring and give us half an hour's notice to make sure we were ready!

As I approached the roundabout towards town, looked right and what did I see but a certain Audi coming on to the roundabout to go straight across in front of me, headed towards the station. Given that the Audi driver knows my little silver polo well, I felt sure he would see me, I waved, and thought, hey what a gentleman, he might even let me across the roundabout first! As I pulled out, so did the Audi, at speed, so I braked hard and got a sideways look from the driver that said, 'My right of way I think' as he sped off towards the station. I stopped waving. Funny, I had been feeling happy til that moment. Now I felt very small and ignored. Not recognised. No space in someone's busy life. I felt really tearful. Now how stupid is that? And I had been doing so well for quite few days now. The incident has grown in my head all day, as a metaphor for my life......

Anyway, I pulled up outside the office, and there sitting waiting for me was a nice man in a white van come to assemble two desks. So much for mid-morning with a warning phone call! I ran around moving stuff and making tea (as you do) while he carried in piles of boxes of wood and desk bits - by the time N and M-A arrived the office was a sea of assembling parts, and we had no choice but to stand and chat cos we couldn't do any work!

I had meetings this morning, but all afternoon I spent unpacking my bits and files and in-trays and trying to be tidy. M-A loves her new desk and shelving and was happily re-arranging all day.

By 4pm I was flagging and desperately tired and feeling strangely sad..I had such high hopes of my new desk, but somehow it seemed..well...an anti-climax. Well, I was tired, I had worked at the office all the previous evening, and been up early...goodness, I felt I had earned an early night, so I bid M-A farewell at 4.30pm and headed home for a long, hot bath, and a cup of tea and a few biscuits, followed by a snooze on the sofa.

There I have lain all night, with the dog, (I broke the rule about doggies not sleeping on the sofa, but she is so warm and cuddly....) She slept, I watched 'Crocodile Dundee.' One from the past!

I returned Sophie's devotion by a late night walk round the block, on a gorgeous misty, clear frosty night. We both enjoyed it.

Oh, I left someone a voice mail earlier, saying, 'You're not very observant are you?' He rang back later. 'You weren't the one in the silver VW who tried to cut me up on the roundabout, were you? Sorry, didn't see you, I was running late for the train.....''

I am so excited.....

..really I am...we are getting new desks at work tomorrow! I have ordered two new desks, one for me and one for M-A, big oak desks with right hand returns on, to give us more working /pc space. Sounds impressive but they are basic and not too expensive, and the man is coming to build them and install them tomorrow. As someone for whom the prospect of a new book or new pen is almost orgasmic, then a new desk..well, the earth will really move.

Clive and I have spent the evening at my office (we know how to have fun!) putting the old desks in his van to take to another charity in the morning - I had the brainwave of e-mailing round this morning as I didn't want to dump the desks, and ten seconds after sending it, this charity rang and asked to have them..Result! We have also fitted shelving on the wall above M-A's desk so that files and books can go up there, leaving her more work space. I even washed the wall as it was looking grubby. I am so good to my staff!

I put an extra shelf up in the meeting/training room and reorganised all the files in there, so it looks neat and tidy. Tomorrow I shall attempt to do that in my own space, and keep my new desk clean and tidy. Goodness, I do like this new burst of energy and tidying and organising mood that has come over me! Perhaps it could even extend to my house.....

Took a bowl of my home-made vegetable soup to Rosemarie to have for her lunch (and chocolates for after) and had a bowl myself, with a brown bread roll and no butter. I have to confess to eating a large piece of Christmas cake with my cup of tea while watching Neighbours, but I have had no chocolate today. Oh sorry, I promise not to become a diet bore.....

Must go to bed..only one sleep and it will be time to go to work and take delivery of a new desk..oh, did I mention that?

Well, it had to happen.....

Yes, it had to happen sooner or later. Reality check. Trying on bras in M&S yesterday, in a mirrored changing room...not a pretty site....stepping on the scales this morning and realising I am just a pound or so of my all time high...trying on clothes for work and not being able to do them up..seeing Sunday Style on TV this morning instead of going to church (James and Hilary's fault...) seeing people doing things with their lives, taking control, exercising, controlling what they eat, losing weight and feeling a whole lot better because of it.

Someone telling me that with the amount of sugar I put in to my body am at risk of diabetes. how true..my dad got that in later years...together with a wish to get the old Sally back, well as near as possible, the one that had energy and enthusiasm.... feeling this weekend as last weekend, the strange feeling of really not having to go to Bristol to see my parents or clear the house or actually have to do anything..and what I am choosing to do is sorting stuff out in the house, washing, cleaning, ironing, cooking nourishing meals, making soup, walking the dog...all part of cleansing and moving on. Controlling my diet and losing weight will be part of that process. Won't be easy, but it's not possible to live on chocolate and biscuits for ever and like what I see in the mirror..nor is it healthy. So this is me reclaiming my life, finding out who I am again and choosing what I want to do.

Just at this minute it is to go to bed with my coffee and read the Sunday papers.....night.

Tap and unwrap..yeah, right....

So I am prepared to leave work, on Tuesday, drive home, finish packing and get a cab to the station to get the train to Bristol. In the morning however, I speak to a certain person on the phone who tells me he will be driving from North Yorkshire to St Albans, by mid day and he will happily give me a lift to the station. Fine.

About half past one he rings to say he left later than planned, (surprise) but will be back by three thirty latest, he just has a half hour conference call from 4 to 4.30 but will be in plenty of time to take me to the station. Hmmmm. I say, if I haven't heard from you by 20 to 5 I will call a cab, otherwise I will miss my train. Fine, he says.

I leave work, finish packing, make sure I have all my paperwork for court, driving licence, train tickets, and realise I am starting to get quite stressed about the whole thing. It's an added stress worrying about catching trains and crossing London and catching connections....

Anyway, half past four come and goes, twenty to five comes and goes and by now I am stressed and fuming, I really don't need this kind of support. In desperation I ring his mobile and he answers, saying cheerily, 'I am on my way!' I slam the phone down and five minutes later am still stood on the pavement with my bag and at ten to five he arrives. 'Hello,' he says happily getting out the car.

'I said if I didn't hear from you by 20 to 5 I would call a cab. How did I know you were even back from Yorkshire?'

'Well I am, I finished my conference call just after 4.30 and here I am, what's the problem?'

Screaming mad lady: 'Yes, but I didn't know that. If you don't let me know how am I supposed to know you're not f*****ing late as usual? I really don't need the stress.'

So we drive to the station in silence, me trying to calm down, him wondering what he has done wrong exactly. 'Sorry' he says quietly. Then, 'I bought you a chocolate orange to eat on the train .' Damn.

So anyway, the chocolate orange story. I put it safely in my bag, where it stayed til I got on the Bristol train at Paddington. I sat by the window, opposite a lady and then a man sat next to me. (Note..we were all doing Sudokus. How sad is that!) I had a bottle of water and my chocolate orange. That would do nicely until 7.30pm when the lovely Caroline would meet me and we would go out for dinner.

I quietly unwrapped the orange. Mmmm it smelt good. It was also slightly warm and therefore kind of stuck together. I tried to prise a segment or two apart with my fingers. Failed. Got slightly sticky. Tapped orange lightly on chair arm. Failed. Tapped harder. My fellow travellers looked at me. I popped the orange back in its paper and returned it to my handbag, not wishing to look desperate. The journey continued. I could smell the chocolate. After a while I got it out again and had another go. Solid as. Rummaged frantically in my bag, hunting for a nail file. Nothing. Put orange away again. It doesn't matter, I'll be there in a hour, I can wait.

Time passes. The chocolate orange smells amazing. I start to get a panic attack. I have chocolate with me I can't eat. It's torture. I consider sending abuse text messages to David, this is all his fault, why can't he just buy me a large bar of dairy milk? No, he has to be bloody clever and buy a chocolate orange.

I consider my options. I'll stand up and ask everyone in the carriage if they have a pen knife. I'll ask the man to move, squeeze out and walk six carriages to the buffet car and get a knife. I take the orange out and look at it. I consider if I can just try and cram it into my mouth in one go, will the lady opposite notice? The man gets off at Swindon.

I get the orange out once again and this time I can't wait. There is a tiny hole in the top where the segments meet. I get a roller ball pen out my bag, take the top off, and stab the orange with the point. I stab again. The pen sticks into the orange. I put it on the table and bang it down..and miracle, the pen is forced into the orange and a couple of segments come away. They go into my mouth...just the two...

Later that night I offer Caroline a piece of chocolate orange from the half that is left. 'You only ate half on the train?' she says. 'I am so proud of you, what willpower.'

'But Caroline,' I say, 'I only opened it five minutes outside Bristol...'

So much chocolate, so little time!!!!

Yesterday was a real chocolate day. I know I need to lose weight, but not yesterday. I needed the comfort! I have stories to tell you..as always, but I am a bit tired. Yesterday was an emotionally draining day! The important thing is to tell you that I have kept my licence..the court decided not to ban me but I do have 12 points on my licence..so I have to spend the next three years being oh so careful!

I was in court at 10.10am and it was all over by 10.30am. It was a far more emotionally draining experience than I had anticipated. Hence the need for chocolate. I actually left the court house to walk into the centre of Bath to find a nice cafe in which to collapse with a large coffee and stop shaking. However, I came across the Cadbury's Cocoa House!!!! Well, it might as well have had my name on the door! I went upstairs to the restaurant (spying the shop downstairs for later) and ordered a Classic Hot chocolate, made with liquid chocolate, non of your powder rubbish and after a tussle with the menu decided on rich chocolate cake with ice cream. I sat in the corner, as befits my friend Winnie the Pooh who always took elevenses into the corner to look after them.... I didn't say anything for a while...the lovely people even give you a spoon so when you have finished drinking the hot silky smooth chocolate, you can eat the chocolale sludge that is left at the bottom of the mug...

I have to say that the cake was like eating thick chocolate concrete, and I couldn't finish it. But I spent the time happily calming down and texting all the people who had texted me good luck to tell them the good news! I asked for the bill and was about to leave and my mobile rang and it was Liz, ringing for a very quick chat. Half an hour later and all the cafe knew about my court case! As I finished that call I had a call from Rosemarie, and I had been there so long it was time for another hot chocolate, so I ordered another! I was there ages but needed the time and space. As I was leaving, I saw the couple next to me get their order of toasted sandwiches. You mean you could order real food????

Then I saw a mum with two small children who had order a huge platter of chopped fresh fruit, and it looked gorgeous..strawberries, melon, apple etc etc..and it came with a pot of melted chocolate to dip it all in! Now that's the way to eat fruit!!!!

Tomorrow I will tell you the story of the Chocolate Orange.....

This could be the last time......

...to quote Mick Jagger. No, not the last time I blog, nothing that serious, but the last time I drive my car for a while. After many, many, many years as a conviction free driver, I managed to get caught by speed cameras on four occasions between April and June last year.

Tomorrow I go to court in Bath to stand in front of magistrates and plead with them not to take my licence away cos I am a good girl really, and I need my car for my job, and I was on my way to various fun things at the time, your honour, such as visiting my dad seriously ill in hospital, on my way to his funeral etc etc.

This evening I get the train to Bristol and will be met by the lovely Caroline and we will go out and find something to eat. Don't worry, I have booked a restaurant. Haven't checked for accessibility but I'm sure it will be fine. Or I'll bring her dinner out to the car.

Anyway, now I am going to the dentist, the first of three long appointments..don't ask..just feel very sorry for me...I will drive there and back carefully and safely and appreciate the joy of driving my little silver car...just in case..... oh I always wanted a part in a court drama. I have written my script. I mean statement. Caroline and my solicitor have read it and say it is fine. Come on, let's have your predictions here...will I convince them to let me off???? What do you think??? (Prayers after 10am tomorrow will be appreciated..)

Time to hibernate, methinks....

I swear this time of year, Jan to Feb, it feels natural to light the log fire every evening, and not move very far away from it. I am currently sitting on the floor right next to it, laptop on my mum's pouffe (is that how you spell it?) between my knees, Sophie dog curled up on my left and we are sleepy and cosy together. It's all I want to do every evening! I have put on a lot of weight since Christmas, as sitting around by a lovely fire and watching TV or listening to music or reading is generally accompanied by eating. Mmmmm.

Anyway, this week has been quite good fun, work is busy and challenging and lots of good things happening, which of course I can't tell you about, or they'd have to kill me, or I'd have to kill you first..... but Friday evening saw the 4th annual volunteers' dinner. I meant to finish early in the afternoon to chill and get ready, but with lots of work and bereavement counselling and driving to Hemel to get the coffee things from my mate with his own coffee company! ..it meant I didn't get home until a quarter to five and had half an hour to get ready. Sod it thought, I am not having a quick shower, I am determined to have a soak in a hot bath and relax, even for 10 minutes. So I started running the bath and went downstairs and made a cup of tea.

Oh, the height of decadence, lying in a bath at 5pm on Friday evening with a nice cup of tea, I do know how to live. But when I got back upstairs...it dawned on me that the heating and hot water had only been on since 4.30pm and therefore the water was not yet hot..I ended up with 3 inches of lukewarm water, and believe me, that doesn't cover a lot..so it was a very quick bath.

Even I wish I could video what happened next, it was so comic. I dressed in a brand new Per Una top which is three layers of flimsy lacy material in a vest/cardie type of combination and gorgeous but low cut, and I realised that wearing this plum/aubergine low cut top didn't look too good with large amounts of white bra showing. By now I was running late and panicking, and kept having to take the top off to try new bras on. The three layers are attached and kept getting tangled and inside out and on one occasion I got stuck with it half on and half off and it caught on my skirt zip, and I got almost hysterical. Fortunately I still managed to pick M A up and get to the hall to organise the dinner, although I kept pulling at my top in a self conscious way....I have to say I got a lot of compliments from my volunteers about my sexy outfit...and a kiss from a local, sexy GP, but that's another story.... and the meal wasn't bad either!

And this was the present....

This is the birthday present I gave my friend for his 45th birthday. The message on the box says it all..'We do not stop playing because we grow old, we grow old because we stop playing'. My philosophy exactly.

I was informed yesterday that he had installed the software and plugged the hamster wheel into the computer. It should go round as you type. Apparently, all it did was crash his pc....oops, sorry.

I found this pic on e-bay. Someone is selling this as an 'unwanted gift.' (One bid so far at 99p.) I wonder......

We are all getting older......

..scary but true. A friend had his birthday on Tuesday - turning 45, and really entering middle age. Surely not? Well, he had the day off work especially, and spent the day clearing out and tidying his wardrobe. Didn't even go out for lunch. I was working late so he did stop by the office and enjoyed a cup of tea and the chocolate and vanilla cheescake kindly provided by M&S. He turned up wearing an old jumper, found in the bottom of the wardrobe, to ask my advice re throwing it away. I am probably not the best person to ask, quite liking the Alan Titchmarsh look in a rugged, cosy, out door sort of way. But it really was quite an old jumper.....

So having arrived looking a tiny bit middle aged in a gardening jumper, he proceeded to tell me about plans for the birthday evening. He had talked about ringing round some friends, to see if anyone fancied a drink. A quiet night at the pub. Well, no wild party then. But when I asked him, he said he had changed his mind, to quote, 'I can't be bothered to go out, I think I'll just stay and have a quiet night in with the wife.' or words to that effect.

Do you think it's time I found a new toy boy?????

Disgusted of Tunbridge Wells...

I've never been an official complainer. I've never written to newspapers complaining about the state of the roads, or rung the BBC and ranted about any of its programmes. Until tonight. Well, there is a first time for everything! God knows, I'm no fan of Tony Blair, and I might be critical of many of his party's policies, but I hope I am fair. I like to state a point of view, I also like to hear the other side of an argument. But Kirsty Wark's treatment of Tony Blair on tonight's Newsnight had me reaching for the phone and complaining within ten seconds of it finishing. Her whole handling of the discussion was completely biased, the audience was rigged with people against govt policy, there was no-one there to put an alternative view, and if anyone dared to start saying anything remotely positive, Kirsty shut them up and moved on. She asked Tony Blair questions and then didn't always allow him to answer. One or two ridiculous comments from audience members, Tony didn't bother to respond to, and quite frankly I don't blame him.

Did anyone learn anything from that discussion? Was anything gained from such a negative tirade? I'll be interested to check on the BBC website tomorrow if anyone else complained. I'll be very surprised if they didn't.

The discussion mentioned parenting and children's behaviour, and the importance of parent and family support at an early age, and preventative intervention. Yay! If only someone had mentioned HS!!!!!! I'm due to start running another parenting programme in February. I have run many Parenting Programmes now over the past ten years, and I can tell you - they work. Parents who come on them can turn their family life around, learn to take responsibility for their children's behaviour, put in appropriate boundaries and discipline, and most importantly, learn to enjoy their children again. Obviously it is good if a parent comes on the course willingly!

Did you watch the programme? What do you think?

By the way, the person who came to the Family Centre, the one I went to see last night, and gave her the notes of our counselling sessions. Big risk, I thought. I got a text message from her today: 'Hi, Sally, I sat up til 1.30 this morning reading these notes, and boy, I am so proud of myself as I can now see how far I have come! Some things are still the same, ie family. x thank you so much they have made me smile.'

Aaaaah. That's good.

The year is flying by....

..into double figures tomorrow! Yes, the Cadbury's creme eggs are in the shops already. Yuck, I really don't like them. But I have been known, when desperate, to eat the chocolate off the outside..then you are left with a sticky mess in your hand..ok, too much information...

Had a quiet day at work on Friday and went to bereavement counselling in the afternoon. I walk into the room just fine (mostly). I tell her I am ok. Then where do those tears come from? Buckets, and about so many things. She is a good counsellor. We can have a laugh too, which is so important in counselling, don't you think?

Crummy weekend. The best bit was not going to church on Sunday but instead going into the office with a carpet cleaner and scrubbing the carpets clean..for one and a half hours..how sad, I really enjoyed it! James and Hilary came over Sunday, and the three of us watched a DVD..Mr & Mrs Smith....as James said after, what a silly waste of two hours...absolutely..so many holes in the plot, I drove them mad saying, 'Oh, that wouldn't happen...' and I was told off for taking it too seriously. I do like watching mindless rubbish that is vaguely believable....

Tonight I went to see an old friend, someone who came to me for counselling for three years, between 1996 and 1999, when I worked as a therapist at a Family Support Centre. She did so well, turned her life around so much, and I always had a soft spot for her, and a lot of respect. All my other notes from that time I shredded, but I always kept my notes of 95 sessions with her!! We saw each other from time to time, but I had not made contact with her all last year, not being in a good place myself. Bless her, she rang me to see if I was ok, and told me she was writing about her life. I told her I had her notes and asked if he would like them. Somehow I always knew that one day I would give them to her.

One of her children died, three years ago, aged 3, after two years of illness and brain damage after a tragic accident. Not surprisingly she has struggled to come to terms with this, as well as all the other baggage from her life...tonight we just sat by the light of a candle, with two cups of coffee and talked for three hours. About life and death, coping and not coping. I have given her the book, containing notes of those three years. We talked about it, and she does want to read them, and wants to see how far she has come. We hugged and I drove home. I wait to see what she says when she's read them. She is amazing, a survivor of all that life has thrown at her, and a fighter. I lvoe her.

Time to laugh...

OK, so it's time I made you laugh. Earlier this week I went out for a meal with friends, most of them, if not all, will be familiar to most, if not all, of you.

I drove to the Indian restaurant, kindly giving a friend a lift so that he could drink. I then discovered three other friends had got lifts there, hoping I would take them all home.

After the meal - which was excellent, a new Indian restaurant recently opened, and rather special - we headed off to a pub, the Rose and Crown to be precise, where a band was playing, the drummer of which I know. A young band but immensely talented. Impressive live, and their CD equally so. They are called Legions. Watch this space.

Anyway, I drove to the pub with my four friends (all male), three in the back and one in the front. As I reversed into a parking space outside the pub, with ease (I am very proud of my parallel parking) my friend in the front smiled. 'Your parking is so impressive' he said. 'Thank you,' I said. 'Yes, he continued, 'You know exactly what 12 inches is.' Pause. (Sniggers from the back). 'Yes I do' I said, looking meaningfully at the friend. Pause for effect. 'And you don't.' Complete hysteria from boys in the back. I take the key out of the ignition and get out of the car, smiling smugly. Collapse of stout party.

Nearly time to head up North....

I so nearly packed a bag and headed up to Manchester after work yesterday, without telling anyone where I was going in a kind of, 'They'll all be worried about me then, then they'll be sorry they didn't take more care of me' kind of way. Of course I didn't, I just lay on the sofa, snuffled, slept and ate chocolate all in no particular order. And of course I can't get into 98% of my wardrobe (or my clothes).

Anyway, reading the two comments on my blog from two Mancunian friends - well three actually - I realise that I would have been welcomed with a hug and a bed for the night. I am so going North one weekend very, very soon. Lvoe you all xxx

One year ago today....

Doesn't seem possible. A year ago today since my mum died. Not sure how to mark the occasion. Not fussed about driving to Bristol to wander about a cold, damp cemetary. But want to do something. I compromise on going to work for the morning and focussing successfully, then coming home for a couple of hours in the middle of the day to think about her, do more paperwork, sort out some photos and just pay my respects.

Bad timing means I open a letter containing a cheque for my half of the house sale. I look at what is not a small amount of money, an amount which would normally make me say, 'Wow, time to shop!' but this time I just think, I'd rather have my mum than the money, and the tears start. I miss her, I want to talk to her and give her a hug. I ring my aunt, her sister, for someone to talk to, but she is out. I feel rather alone and no-one else in my family has remembered. Just a hug would be nice. I look at a few photos, cry a lot and think of her. I deal with some paperwork - nearly at the end, just final house bills to pay.

I pull myself together and go to work, visiting and arranging support for someone - though I don't talk about my work, do I? - but it seems fitting that this is someone whose mum died last year, and she now has the worry of looking after not only her two small children, but her father who is unwell and lives alone.....I can smile and offer empathy, and introduce her to her buddy.

I come home and curl up on the sofa and...eat a lot of chocolate. I didn't eat lunch. A friend discovered I was home at lumch time, although he didn't realise why - and why should he, this was a private moment - but he popped round with a large tuna and mayonniase bap. Lovely, except I was crying too much to eat at that point.

A little later, after he had gone, I returned to the living room and spied what I thought was a piece of soggy tissue on the carpet. I picked it up. No, it was a piece of wet, soggy lettuce. Where had that come from? Oh, the dog didn't want that bit when it ate my lunch. Cheers, Sophie.

Christmas Day!

This pic was taken by Clive on Christmas Day - a nice view of the Christmas tree (lovingly decorated by me!), with Laura and Mec sharing a sofa, James looking very tall opening a present, and me with my back to the camera which is just as well.....

Happy New Year! Start as you mean to go on.....

Starting with..not getting to bed until after 2am, following a better night out than expected! Or rather, I was not in the mood, but I got better..... then sleep in and be brought a cup of tea by someone who is going to church but doesn't pressure you, so you stay in bed not feeling tooooo guilty (just a bit)... Well this is me, not you, so I am in bed, all alone, which this morning I am happy with! I have made another cup of tea and come back to bed with my laptop and the large bar of chocolate that Clive bought me for Christmas and I am still working through it!

Last night and this morning, my phone was bleeping with New Year greetings from friends..and when I look at the names....Maria, Shaun, Liz, Caroline, David.. yes all my lvoely, wonderful GB friends and I feel so lucky and loved and not at all alone, and although I felt pretty crap all day, in fact very crap, and unsure how I felt really..thinking over 'this time last year', you know how it goes, and Christmases past, and New Years past, when the children were small, and we stayed with my mum and dad, and it was fun (mostly!)...and this week is the first anniversary of my mum's death..how weird those words are to type and read still..so unreal..and this is such a long sentence, I really ought to breathe..and I have been feeling unsure and upset about certain relationships in my life, and what to do, but last night I felt positive, cared for and loved, and for that I thank you all.

New Year resolutions:
1. Eat more chocolate.
2. Lose weight.
3. Get out more.
4. Go to the gym and swim more.
5. Do Hospital radio again. I miss having my own show!
6. See more of my friends.
7. Laugh more and cry less.
8. Do more coffee/lunch/tea/dinner with friends
9. Go to more gigs. Steve Lawson on Jan 12th, the first????
10. Appreciate Sophie dog more, walk her a bit more, love her more, now she is 13 and has arthritis... :-(. But she has medicine.

Oh, sorry, what a selfish list. I should say save the world, give to the poor, live generously, do more for others, but as Jesus said, sort yourself out and get your own act together before you can be any good to other people. Or something like that.

Quarter to eleven. New year's morning. Still in bed. Eating chocolate. Talking to my friends. Love you all. Here's to next year. xxx

Time to shop!

Have managed to fit in a fair bit of shopping in the last few days. On Tuesday Laura, James and I went to Habitat to investigate the Sale, and James found the very first item he designed for them, a bathroom rack. It had just come in that morning, just one, and so I bought it straight away! So in my bathroom is one of the first, if not the first chrome bathroom rack off the production line, and I keep taking people up to the bathroom to see it, as my son designed it..... there was an amusing moment as I was buying it, when the assistant at the next till spotted my purchase and says, 'Oh, that's nice, I didn't see that come in, I need a vegetable rack'..I thought James would throw an artistic tantrum, but he took it well, and now jokes about me having a vegetable rack in my bathroom....

I went in to work for an hour yesterday, and also had a quick coffee out with a friend, and a look at the shops, but bought nothing.

Today David made his usual annual shopping trip to the Galleria Outlet Centre to buy suits, shirts, etc for work in the sales. For the past two years I have accompanied as Style Advisor, and last year, avid blog readers may remember, Clive came too and we had a weird threesome in the shops...

This year Clive expressed an interest in going again, but when David arrived to pick him up, he changes his mind, so I went again, and over five hours advised on shoes, shirts, ties and a suit. Just the one this year. I bought a CD, a DVD and a Winnie the Pooh sticker calendar, so I had a great time and have things to play with now.

Of course when David rang this morning to suggest the outing, I was still in bed, given that a snowflake had passed the window, and I thought it dangerous to get up. The TV weather man said so, 'Don't go out.' 'Yes,' said David, 'That applies to Yorkshire, not Hertfordshire.' 'You can't be too careful,' I said, 'bring the Landrover and extras like a shovel, blanket, food and a flask.' 'We are only going to the Galleria,' he said, 'Two miles up the road, and any way, wouldn't it be fun to get stuck in a snow storm?' 'Oh yes,' I said, 'So just bring the blanket, a flask and some chocolate and don't bother about the shovel.'

Needless to say we got home safely. I am sitting in front of a log fire and the Christmas tree, eating chocolate. The mother in law has gone home, as has James - with my car. Clive is upstairs on the computer, so it's just me and the dog. More chocolate then....and time to think what I am going to do with myself in the New Year...more of the same? Or shall I make drastic changes? Place your bets.....

Merry Crimble...

..as John Lennon used to say. I have to blod today or I am in danger of becoming a once-a-week blogger which wouldn't do at all!

Here I am sat in front of a roaring log fire (or would be if it didn't look dangerously like going out.....the logs are slightly charred.....) but the tree lights are on and sparkly and there is a promise of snow outside, so it still feels like Christmas, even if it is officially over...

I am eating chocolate and drinking tea, feeling virtuous cos I have taken Sophie out for a post-Christmas walk in the cold..that's my first outing for three days! Didn't even make it to church Christmas morning, which is a first...best draw a veil over Christmas morning...at least Clive stayed at home with me, realising I needed company and he ought to provide it...that's a first!

James, Laura and Mec were with us for Christmas Day, and it was lovely. We even played Trivial Pursuit!!

What to do for dinner tonight...cold turkey? Turkey risotto? Turkey curry? Turkey soup? Oh, I'll just have another piece of chocolate.......

Where did the week go?

Realised it is a week since I blogged. How did that happen I hear you ask? What have you been doing? Well........ been either very very busy or wrecked and trying to sleep! The last two or three weeks I have been much, much better, emotionally, and have gone from crying all the time and barely able to cope, to my lowest point of thinking, actually I am going to have a complete breakdown now..to sudddenly, overnight almost, being ok and almsot a normal person!

Hence I have been really engaging in work, have been very busy, would lvoe to tell you all about it, but obviously can't! But apart from the normal work I seem to have had an awful lot of meetings with various agencies..... so while that is good and I am functioning well, and am feeling happier, I have gone back to not sleeping quite so well, and could spend all evening asleep!

So although I have logged on and read blogs, and in fatt have had a lot to blog about, I have just felt too tired, and to use an overused phrase..could I be bovvered? No.

So I haven't told you about the moment in bed when the earth moved for me - (and that hasn't happened in along time! Ho ho ho) - yes, the 6am explosion at the Buncefield oil depot. I should have taken pictures from our lounge window, it's not far away and I didn't even know the place existed! Well, it doesn't much now..... all the children in Hemel stayed off school and lay about in their track suits watching TV..no change there then..sorry, that's the kind of jokes going round St Albans.....

Loads more to tell, including the highlight...a tip to see Billy Elliot the musical..but I must get up and have a bath before work, the shower is broken..it slowly died when I was in it on Sunday morning, the water just faded away leaving me soapy and with a head full of conditioner and me pleading with the motor..no, no, just another 30 seconds, please.... I was saying this out loud to the shower and meaning it, so you see why I say I am almost normal........

Re Advent Calendars......

Further to the blog by Liz about advent calendars, I think I had them as a child but no chocolate, and I always bought one for James and Laura and they had to take it in turns to open the windows......why on earth I didn't pay another 50p and buy two to spare the rows, arguing and fighting that went with cries of 'It's not fair, it was my turn, he/she opened it yesterday,' and the tears, I don't know, I obviously thought learning to share was character building (It obviously worked, look at them now, Ed).

When they left home and went to Uni, I used to send them an advent calendar every year, a big one containing chocolate that was a nightmare to post, but it had to be done. I have continued every year.....last year Laura had one that had to be built into a 3D stable, and the chocolates were in the roof, it was bloody massive......

This year I bought three, one for Laura and Mec, one each for James and Hilary, and I found a lovely shop in St Albans that sold tasteful lovely Medici advent calendars that were small cards, with lovely traditional scenes on, just right for posting to now grown up children. I popped them in their envelopes to post, but then met up with Laura for Christmas shopping.

I handed her the small red envelope, and she said, 'Oh, thanks, is this my Christmas card, that's early!' 'No,' I said, 'It's your advent calendar.' The double take she did at the envelope and the short silence that ensued, well she might as well have had a thought bubble over her head which said, 'Oh, no chocolate then.' After a pause she said, 'Oh thank you.'

As she was due to meet up with James, I gave her the other two to deliver. So far, no-one has said thank you. I can only assume an advent calendar without chocolate isn't worth saying thank you for, or Laura thought it wasn't actually worth delivering........

Have a confession to make......

I am sitting in bed with the laptop on my knees! Have got very fond of being in bed recently...I am frequently a little late for work due to a reluctance to get up, and on Saturday morning stayed tucked up til 10am, having cups of tea, reading, doing sudokus which are so wonderfully relaxing and satisfying...as long as they are not too difficult of course.....

Anyway, you may have noticed that all my keys appear to be working, plenty of mmmmmm's abound, and I no longer have a problem. It started when the semi colon/colon key stopped working and I rang Acer and they said I had to send the laptop to them to mend, but it would be gone 10 days...for the past three weeks I have been trying to manage withnout using ; or : as I didn't want to be without for 10 days, but then it started working again on its own, so I thought..wonderful! Then immediately the m key started playing up. I thought maybe Acers just had crap keyboards which died one key at a time....

But when Laura and Mec were round on Sunday, Mec having been called in to help restore our home pc, bless him, everyone ahould have a computer genius in the family, I was giving them lunch as a reward when I remembered that as a Mac Genius in the Apple shop, he must have seen macs with dodgy keyboards, so I told him about mine and wondered what the cure might be...'Mother, he has just spent two hours fixing dad's computer, leave him alone' says Laura (quite right too, the boy is trying to eat his lunch) but fortunately Mec's curiousity gets the better of him and he asks to look at the laptop. He presses the m key and agrees there is a problem. 'Don't worry, please leave it,' I say, 'I'll send it off to Acer.'

Mec asks for a small screwdriver, so I find a little glasses repair kit which contains the tiniest screwdriver in the world. He poked carefully under the key and slowly removed the screwdriver and held it up.... it looked suspiciously like a small piece of chocolate..Laura and Mec looked at me accusingly and Laura said sternly, 'Mother, stop eating chocolate while you are working on your laptop, what are you like!' and I turned into sulky, embarrassed child trying to justify messy eating habits.......

After they had gone, I thought, surely a tiny piece of chocolate would melt when the laptop gets warm, and wouldn't resist a key being depressed..so I looked closely at the tiny offending item...it was like a small brown flake. I pressed it with my fingernail. It broke in two. Then I realised what it was...really.....a tiny piece of the shell of an M & M........

Isn't technology amazing....

I know we take it for granted, and it irritates the hell out of us when it won't work, or is slow..like takes 3 seconds to connect... but think about it. I remember seeing TV programes about computers years ago, and e xperts saying soon coputers will be small, not room sized, and every hoe will have one....why? I thought. Why would every hoe want a computer? What wojuld we do with one?

Now here I am, just a few years later, sitting up warm and comfy in bed, with my lap top on my knees, happily e-mailing the world (or friends in far away places) and reading and writing blogs, connecting with the big wide world without leaving my bed. Next to me is my little mobile phone, sending and receiving texts to all and sundry ( or it would if sundry ever texted me) and I can chat to people while they are on trains, at work, at home, or in strange hotels miles away late at night.

I know there are downsides to this constant communication and I am sad and think I have no friends if an hour goes by without receiving a text, but really, I love it...the only problem is with e-mailing and texting and blogging..I've just realized I haven't actually spoken to anyone in days. Oh, sob.....

My secretary has had a couple of days off as her mum was taken to hospital and her dad was at home alone insisting he could manage, but not really..sounds familiar? She has taken her mum home from hospital now and back worrying and wondering how they will manage.... and my good friend R whose parents live on Ibiza, worries about her dad who has been in a care home for a year now, since he was too unwell for her mum to care for him, she has been preparing herself all year for the call to say he has died....well yesterday at work she got a call to say her mum has died, which was not expected and such a shock. I hope I can be the strength, comfort and rock for others as they have been to me.

Bored now.....

..with not having the coputer at hoe. And this lap top having a duff m key. Which soeimes works and soetimes doesn't. hey ho. Clive took out coputer in to be ended by his coputer genius only he is unreliable and hasn't shown up. So I haven't received any home e-mails for a week now. very boring. So ring e if you need e!

Went to see Harry Potter on Friday night..you know, husbnad says: Would you like to go to the cinema? Me Yes, what fils are on? Husband, Harry Potter 8.30p. Oh, that'll be what I want to see then. It was good. I enjoyed it. Only long, so I did sleep a bit during some of the long goodies v baddies bits...zzzzzzzzzzzzz..lovely.

Sunday..well don't faint but I went to church! Only the second time since the Festival. It was ok, I didn't get upset and I sang too. A breakthrough. Might go again one day..sermon was about being at peace..knowing God's peace rather than peace the world gives, so quite apt really.

Was at a conference all day Monday, and Rosemarie and I planned shopping, eating and the cinema at the end of the day. We got tickets to see rs Henderson Presents. All was going well...we started with a cup of tea while we caught up, and I was feeling happy and talkative, so I chatted on, and by the end of the tea break Rosemarie had a migraine coing on and had to go hoe. Was sick as soon as she got home, so it was the right decision. I wandered about and did a bit of shopping, then got our oney back on the tickets (thank you, nice cinema man) and I went hoe. I must learn not to talk so much and make people ill......

Good days and bad days.....

Tuesday was a Bad Day. Wednesday was OK. Woke up feeling desperate on Thursday. Felt ill, really bad...made it into work, late again. But the shopping with Laura was good, we had a fun evening and even achieved soe Christas shopping. Woke up Friday feeling better, more together, and was fairly productive at work. Counselling was good, I talked for an hour and didn't cry at all! Felt I a getting somewhere processing feelings and emotions, although felt altogther over the last week I have not been coping. Decided not to increase anti-depressants, counsellor agreed with e.

However, we did discusss the dreaded enapause, is it that which is making me such a physical and eotional wreck? Should I give HRT a try? I know, I know, no-one wants to talk about it, everyone is too young to want to think about it, but for an over 50 like me....I have to. If I am getting in to this territory, then at least I would know I am not just going mad!! So it might be back to the doctor...

After counselling I have tea with a friend and for a change I do the listening and therapy. I feel together and OK, and am glad to be a sounding board. After which Clive and I go and see Harry Potter and of course, insoniac that I am, I fall asleep befoe the end.

Today I went into St Albans with DC, we had breakfast out and did lots of Christmas shopping and laughed a lot at tacky, battery driven Christmas toys, don't laugh...one may be heading your way..yes we bought some... had to walk away in one shop when I realised David had istaken custoers for shop assistants, and was about to acost them and ask the questions...rather than let him know his istake, I walked away giggling. I heard 'Oh, sorry, I didn't realise you were customers,' and he followed me, looking slightly ebarrassed. When he realised I knew, he called e a rude name.

We had fun, I did ore shopping, we didn't argue and I didn't get upset. Just a lovely, noral day. Thank you God.

Nearly time....

...to go Christmas shopping! With my lovely daughter, Laura, we are having a girl's shopping night....

Having to write this on y lap-top which is playing up and won't do sei-colons ; oh it just did, or ms which it also just did then but not before but ostly (see what I ean?) wont'. So sorry about the lack of s. see? didn;t do one. ystery. ust i send my laptop away for repair? I'll iss it.

Anyway have to use lap-top cos Clive has taken our coputer into work to get it 'seen to'. If only he would leave it alone....

Went back to the doctor yeaterday. having a bad, bad tie. He suggested I double the dose of anti-depressants but I don't want to cos of the side effects. I told hi y astha was playing up - George lent e her inhaler in Yorkshire..so he prescribed one for me and also gave e a flu jab. Bonus!

Any advice on my non functioning m button - oh it worked - would be very gratefully received. I a so easily pleased! (When I' not crying of course...)

Another brilliant weekend.....

Who would have thought it possible? Two weekends in a row... just as I thought it had all gone horribly wrong..having had such a good time in Yorkshire with my good friends....of course I had had a few weeks looking forward to it, planning it, organising it..doing it..then..yes, then came the inevitable downer, suddenly, nothing to do, no e-mails to write, no quiz to work on, by Friday I was a sad, sad, person, and spent my bereavement counselling hour just sobbing........

So the prospect of a weekend in Liverpool was not good, I was not in the mood, but I had promised Hilary to take her to her uncle's, and James was going to stay with me at my cousin's. Too late to back out.

James drove there while I slept mostly..dropped Hil off at her Uncle's house opposite Liverpool John Lennon airport at Speke, and headed off to my cousin's through vaguely familiar childhood territory.

I really don't know my cousin Johnny, or his wife Jean, that well. I met him once during my growing up years. We have met several times in the last five or so years...he is the son of my father's eldest brother, Max, who died in the war when Johnny was 6 months old. His mum was my mad Aunty Terry. When have I met Johnny recently? At Uncle Bill's funeral (my dad's younger brother) then my Auntie Sue's funeral (dad's younger sister) Aunty Terry's funeral, then cousin Tobie's wedding (hurrah, a happy occcasion!) then my mum's funeral, then my dad's funeral. I know, Five funerals and a wedding!

I have also seen them a couple of times in Bristol when they kindly called in to see my parents. They have asked me to go and stay so many times. So I did. And I had the most lovely weekend. Very relaxing, really looked after, fed well, chauffeur driven round Liverpool to old haunts, my old home, schools etc etc, and then spent Saturday evening, after a good meal, curled up in front of a log fire watching dvd's..first the film of Phantom of the Opera which I've never seen....I nearly had a heart attack when the msic started! Johnny has surround sound, five speakers and a woofer! As they live in a huge detached house he has the volume up to ear bursting levels..and it;s f****ing brilliant. After Phantom we watched Michael Flatley's Feet of Flames, recorded live in Hyde Park, not everyone's taste but the dancing is superb, and the music, again, amazing, I'll never go back to an ordinary stereo!

And the best bit..while he was looking through the dvds, I spy Fairport Convention..oh I say, I lvoe them. Oh says Johnny, do you like folk? Do I? Do you? Oh, yes, he says, my favourite band is Show of Hands. What?????

Next thing it is 2am and James and Jean have gone to bed and Johnny and I are watching Fairport in concert..I have never heard them sound so good! Then various folk CDs go on..in the car next day it is Ralph Mctell, and after lunch Show of Hands in concert at the Albert Hall. I think I maybe a little deaf today. All these years, and it turns out we have been missing each other at folk festivals!!!!! Will I go again? You bet I will!!!!

Oh, how we laughed......

..yes, the Nov Ops weekend - together with programming and the office staff - including the lovely Laura - was very good, lots of discussion, lots of listening and sharing, lots of silliness and much laughter. In fact I only cried once and that was just a tiny bit so doesn't really count. I love that community, the time spent with Good Friends, and the fact that when the joke was on me - as it was once or twice! - my caring friends checked out to make sure I was ok about it and not upset. That was very sweet - but I loved every minute of it, so don't worry!

I loved the planning, the evenings with David working on the pub quiz..oh how we laughed........ the journey to Yorkshire, via Toys are Us in Luton., buying up the shop with little presents and toys for our friends..trying to get to Dalesbridge early to lable all the doors, put the presents and sweets on the pillows, and then light the log fire and have the tea made before anyone arrived...failed slightly but it didn't matter...

LIz has blogged well about the weekend and really summed it up....there were so many stories...me and David trying to cook breakfast on the Monday morning for 7 people, and David wanting to do it his way which meant it took about two hours and two sittings..his determination to make Doggit and Maria a fresh pot of coffee although he had nothing to make it in....while we were arguing in the kitchen over how to cook the sausages, Liz said, if you two were married, it would end in divorce, but on the grounds of whose unreasonable behaviour???

It got worse...the 'hour's' joutney to Edale to look at another possible centre for next year..... me and Maria chose the route. daid tried to look a the map and choose another way, but I said, bugger off, we have decided, just shut up and drive and leave it to me....... almost three hours later, when we have literally driven up hill and down dale, and headed south and west, then I decide we can't access the Edale valley from this direction, there is only one way, so although we hav been following signs in the Manchester direction, suddenly I get him to follow signs to Sheffield, it's just this little road on the map......the atmosphere is getting slightly frosty in the car - and very frosty outside..maria texts from the car behind..'It's very beautiful this way'. My point entirely. When I say, 'this is the scenic route, isn't the scenery lovely,' once too often...... Doggit and Maria are treated to the sight of David stopping very suddenly on the top of Snake Pass and get out of the car. I get out too, and seeing David heading for me, throw the map over a dry stone wall and start running..down hill and can't stop...David catches up with me and the momentum nearly takes us into a boggy ditch.. I am shreiking for him to stop before we fall over, and am laughing so much I have no control.

'Why the f*** did you come this way?' asks Doggit. I laugh more and David says, 'Don't make her laugh, she'll wet herself.' Actually it is too late for that, and I am made to sit on a towel the rest of the way home. And I am not allowed to drive. We visit Edale for an hour, and meet the lovely priest in charge, Adrian, who has waited over two hours for us.

We eventually arrive in St Albans at 8pm, having had no lunch and no tea, cos I had been very naughty and made us late. But was it worth it? Every minute.

Help help help!

Busy! Stressed! Feel I may kill someone. So many spots. Lank hair. Strange hormonal activity. Bursting into tears. Need to finish funding application. The agenda for the weekend. Washing. Ironing. Packing. Need to sleep. So much going on at work I don't know where to start..... it's Thursday tomorrow and my car is still full of stuff from Bristol..I've washed my mum's bedding, I'm surrounded by her stuff and I have to not think about it...

And do you know, some people who are away on holiday in the sun, lounging around by swimming pools, have the cheek to blog and text about it...no consideration for others. No doubt they'll be posting holiday pics soon. Ttch.

Anyway, I am ready for bed. I have three days off work. I am going away. I will see friends. I will behave badly. Hopefully. I will laugh. I will eat. I will Have a Good Time. I will tell you all about it when I get back! There, I think the stress and threat of violence is lifting....good night.......

Sorry, sorry, sorry....

Just realised it's Tuesday and I haven't blogged since Friday!! Sorry! Whatever have I been doing??? Worked Friday, then bereavement counselling in the afternoon, followed by tea and cake out with a friend...far better than going back to work, my counsellor insists on it....

Then into town on Saturday morning, breakfast out with same friend..quite lovely, only downside being I paid both times because of a slight wallet problem.....discovered the French Market in town again. Hurrah! The sun was shining, it was a lovely Saturday morning, the ambience was tres beau, and I practised my best French when buying vegetables, fresh baked baguettes and croissants, honey covered roast peanuts which I am eating as I type....and then..there was the handbag stall. Oh, it has the most wonderful handbags...I already have two from previous visits, and I bought my lovely black leather work brief case there last time the market came to town - Italian leather and soooooooo reasonable....

While small person with wallet problems was away finding a cash machine I happened upon a loveyl shiny black leather handbag, just right for the winter. When the nice lady saw my current brown handbag, and realised it was one of hers, she was so pleased she offered me discount. Lovely assistant arrived with wallet just in time, and as the lady obviously expected him to pay for the hand bag, he did, so as not to look mean. How generous.......

Wallet person quite spoiled the shopping trip by then buying large quantities of various garlicky salamis, olives and three kinds of smelly cheese. All of which I loathe with a passion. (Oh no, he plans to take some away a the weekend.....)

Saturday night, James, Laura and I jump into Clive's white van - well the company van anyway - and head to Bristol for a very last sleepover at The House. We have a jolly journey, but arrive in Bristol late on what feels like, and is, the coldest night of the year so far. I offer to go in and put lights and heating on, to make it more welcoming, then we head for the nearest little Indian restaarant for a litle something. Very nice it is too.

Back at the house we sit in the lounge with the heating on full, and the gas fire on, and put the TV on in an effort to be cosy and jolly. We watch TV and all fall asleep as the room is so warm....

At 12.30am I open my eyes and suggest we all ought to go up to bed. James and Laura opt to sleep in the twin beds in the front room they always slept in as children, and I go in my mum's bed. Unfortunately, the kitchen celing has leaked with the recent rain, so there is a huge lake on the kitchen floor, and the house feels damp - and I forgot to check that the radiators were on upstairs. they were not, and the bedrooms were like bloody freezers, and the beds felt cold and damp. James sat huddled against a radiator (once I put it on!) on the end of Laura's bed, and she put a fleece and socks on to get into bed. She is shivering so much she gets the giggles, and while I am in the bathroom, I hear James call out from his bed, 'Mum, it's not fair, her bed's next to the radiator and she's got her feet on it, and I'm freezing and I need my socks......' I kindly go into the bedroom to find James his socks, and he sticks his size 11 feet out for me to put them on. There is a limit to my maternal devotion, I say, handing him the socks. The sounds of James perishing from hyperthermia just makes Laura giggle more, and I can hear her teeth chattering...it's the last night in my parent's house, and we are all laughing. How I love my children.

Third time lucky.....

This is the third time I have tried to post this blog, once blogger crashed on me, then the whole pc seized up, so here goes. In response to Caroline's blog on whether she worries about herself enough...I came out of work on Weds evening (and it was dark, may i say in my defence) and looked down the road to find my car. Where did I park it this morning? Have I been out to do any visits, and therefore have I moved it? I walk to the silver Golf I often try and get into, and then realise it's not mine. (Mine being a Polo for a start.) I carry on down the road, to the bottom, and no, my car is not there. Oh I remember now, there were no spaces this morning, I parked in the next street. So I continue down the hill to the bottom, cross the road and pass the gorgeous exotic rug shop, and turn up the next street...which is empty. Not a car to be seen.

Pause. Think. Oh it might have been yesterday I parked here. So where is it? I turn and walk back past the rug shop and back up my street, which is quite a steep hill, and I am talking to myself as I go past all the cars......no, not mine, can't think where I parked it, no it's not here, has it been stolen? All the way to the top now, and no....(puffing abit now) ...except what is parked right outside the office door? And I mean right outside..yes, my car. Am I losing the plot? As Caroline says, I should worry about myself a lot more..unless, of course, you want to do it for me......

A bizarre evening...

I forgot to mention it! Last week I went out with Rosemarie - we had the usual pasta first, then bought coffee and sweets at the cinema, and settled down to watch first, the adverts, then the trailers, then, as the film was about to start, the screen went black, the lights came on and a disembodied voice announced..'Ladies and gentleman, due to circumstances beyond our control....' and I was up and out my seat ready to go, recognising an evacuation when I see one. 'How did you know?' said Rosemarie. 'You are so calm.' 'Happens all the time' I said, 'Either at GB or the theatre, don't panic.'

We joind the masses exiting the complex, cinema, restaurants and shops, and all stood around wondering what was happening. I spotted a lake of water moving across the MacDonalds floor, and guessed the Incident was in there. Suddnely we heard fire engines, and three sets of lights coming into the car park, and I realised that the fire engines would arrive just where all the people were standing about! A few self conscious student types working at the cinema were given yellow jackets, and stood about half heartedly asking epople to move but we just ignored them. It was more exciting to stand in the way of the firemen in breathing apparatus, between the road and the restaurant. One student had 'Manager' on the back of her yellow jacket, and she even had a loud hailer, but didn't attempt to use it.

No announcements were made, no attempt to move people out the way, and no-one said that the cinema would not reopen, a fact I deduced after watching the yellow jackets giving out free cinema tickets to people. It was calm, peaceful and yet chaotic. 'Oh if only I had a yellow jacket' I said to Rosemarie, 'I could have this crowd moved in an instant.'

Just imagine if a certain David had been at the cinema with me...do you think I could have restrained him from getting involved?

As it was we collected our free tickets and went back a few nights later and saw Nanny McPhee. Highly entertaining . And Colin Firth is always worth watching......

I hate the hurting....

...you feel so helpless, don't you? I haven't had the feeling for a while, I'd forgotten how horrible it is. Like I used to hurt when my mum was anxious, ill and unhappy, I hurt so much for her, and my dad when he was so ill and alone.

Before that I have hurt for my children..when relationships went wrong, or they were unhappy at Uni, I was always the one they would talk to. But I always felt so helpless...... Strange that recently, everyone around me, close to me, has been happy, their lives sorted, nothing for me to worry about..and yet I have been so depressed!!!! Now things are not going well for James, he is hurting so much, and I am there for him to talk to, but actually can't do anything..I have to watch and hear his hurting and sadness....and I hate it. It's like a pain inside, and I realise how good it has been in recent months because both my children were happy.

Life is so complicated...I wish it could be easy. But it isn't. Sometimes it hurts like hell.

Sally needs....

..to get a life, obviously! Or I wouldn't have been sucked into this game. I have done all the usual Sunday things (except go to church, but I had a bit of a cough, listen, hack hack, and I think a bit of a temperature...) so I stayed home and cooked roast dinner for Clive and his mother, and made and iced a chocolate cake for Laura's birthday tea. It was so professional, Laa and Mec thought I'd bought it!

Now I am alone as Clive is up in the office on the computer working, as ever, night after night..Friday I was so fed up I went out and bought masses of chocolate..a bit of a shame as I had actually lost weight this week....

Anyway, here I am in the lounge with my trusty lap-top and I couldn't resist taking the challenge set by K and C... so into google and Sally needs......

Sally needs to consider technical expertise..(how true) ..above all, Sally needs to sift down her 'long options' list. (right, I'll give it a go.....)

Sally needs new shoes. YES!

Sally needs to decide how quickly she wants to get her hands on the money. (Sally would like now please, any money, I'm ready...)

Sally needs a reality check. Well, obviously.

Sally needs to get on and take her test this year. (Which test? I'll need to revise.)

Sally needs only the surname as the records are in the database. (I think we could all work that one out, given time...)

Sally needs the money from you before the order is placed. Absolutely. Every time.

To return to the human world, Sally needs to find her magic silver locket. It has been stolen by Quintis Quigley and his partner. (Quick, boys and girls, help find it cos we need Sally to return to the human world...don't we?)

Sally needs an operation to release the build up of blood in her head. (Euegh. Nasty. But it would probably help....)

Oh dear, if only they would bring back Monarch of the Glen. At least it kept me out of trouble on a Sunday evening!

I have tried.....

Really I have. After Liz's helpful comments re the doodle box thing, i did another one, and followed all her instructions, but nothing worked, so i just pressed all sorts of buttons in ever increasing frustration, until something came up and offered to save something, so I saved it to my piccies' folder, then tried to upload it on to my blog. But..sadly, only error messages. So it's not for lack of trying. And it was such a good doodle!

Am still very tired or not sleeping properly, so habe to admit, sometimes can't be bovvered to blog, which is not a good state I know. But went to a conference yesterday, on Important Things I Ought to Know About and slept like a baby through the fifrst 40 min keynote presentation..ooops....I wish i could bring the speaker home to bed with me.....if he just talked for a bit I'd be right off!

Clive has installed a new keyboard which is high up with a wrist support and all the keys are curved and different sizes..I can't ue the wrist spport it hutst and my wrists don;t like the height and the new angles..to be honest I would hab thought it was the kind of keyboard you'd buy a disabled person to support thwir hands..and if you thought my typing was bad before, I keep getting the wrong keys because of the curves and strange ky sizes. see, I havbe to stop now cos my hands and wrists are hurting.