For The Record:
A Nerd is someone who is passionate about learning/being smart/academia.
A Geek is someone who is passionate about some particular area or subject, often an obscure or difficult one.
A Dork is someone who has difficulty with common social expectations/interactions.
You scored better than half in Nerd, earning you the title of: Pure Nerd.
The times, they are a-changing. It used to be that being exceptionally smart led to being unpopular, which would ultimately lead to picking up all of the traits and tendences associated with the "dork." No-longer. Being smart isn't as socially crippling as it once was, and even more so as you get older: eventually being a Pure Nerd will likely be replaced with the following label: Purely Successful.
Congratulations!
A bad morning..after a restless night, a bit of a low resulting in a lot of tears...and the necessity of wearing my glasses to work to hide the swollen eyes..bless, N, she knows when I have a bad day, I sit at my desk and talk to her, but cry hopelessly at the same time..eventually I stop and get into work and then I am fine. Good news - we are connected to Zen Broadband and up and running again! The lovely little IT guy who has helped out, who has made 6 visits to the office to sort this fiasco out, gave me his bill today, £317. Perfectly reasonable, and it will shortly be winging its way to Orange along with a demand for compensation. Watch this space. So I came home from work, planning my evening home alone while C is at his web design evening class. I waited I was really really hungry, got out the wok, added extra virgin olive oil, freshly ground salt and pepper, then prepared to add the chicken pieces, stir fry fresh vegetables and noodles. I looked for the bag..everywhere..then it dawned on me, that will be the bag of shopping still on the floor by my desk.... Good job I had that pizza and garlic bread put by..not as healthy but very yummy..I put my feet up and watched The Bad Mother's handbook. I have read the book and enjoyed it, and lvoed this dramatisation. Good to see Catherine Tate playing something different...I liked her in this..strong performances all round. Tucked up in bed now. Feeling tons better. Maybe I will sleep tonight....
 ...for being on line late Sunday night, signing on to msn for someone to talk to, cos I can't sleep....no-one is coming out to play. Sad. Lonely. In need of a cuddle..... Found a pic of me amongst my dad's stuff..my publicity pic when I left drama college. When all of life was in front of me...all my dreams yet to be realised...I paid a lot of money to have 100 printed, and sent them out to agents. Paid a lot of money to have the pic included in Spotlight that year too. Waited for the offers of work to pour in...not. Gosh, I looked so peaceful then didn't I? I'm sure I had a real sense of peace and inner calm. It must still be around here somewhere....given that the pic was taken..um...over thirty years ago, it was nice to find it kept amongst my father's things..I had no idea he still had it...
I haven't been sleeping very well. There are lots of not sleeping very well types - one is Upset...and it's not that. One is Hormonal..and it's not that. No, this is just Being Awake. And the weird thing is, Hormonal does on the hour..generally 4am...Upset is all over the place...but this Being Awake does on the half hour...strange. It's been the last couple of weeks..no matter what time I go to sleep, I am awake again, and a time check makes it half past two. I hate that, because there is a Long Night Ahead. I just wake up, instantly, and am Awake. Not sleepy...my brain is as awake as if I hadn't been asleep. And there is no reason. I am not thinking about anything. I am not worried. Just Awake. A few nights ago, I was awake at the usual 2.30am. Went back to sleep. Woke up. 3.30am. Slept. Woke up. 4.30am.......repeat...5.30am.....6.30am. Stayed awake then. You would think I would then be dog tired during the day. I'm not..and you know how easily I fall asleep generally.....so I Made Plans. First, drink De-Caff coffee in the evening (thank you Maria for buying some and leaving it in my cupboard...) altho I think it has nothing to do with it, I always take a coffee to bed and it makes no difference, but hey, I'll try anything....then, get rid of the dog..Sophie sleeps in a basket in my room, and she is restless, wriggly and snuffly..she gets up and shakes herself, scratches at the carpet and is generally a nuisance. Is she keeping me awake?? So this night (after my day with James, as described in my last post) I went to bed early- ish, didn't bring my computer to bed..put the dog in Clive's room, shut my door, drank my de-caff, read the paper and waited to feel sleepy. And waited.... I lay down to sleep. I slept. Woke up. Half past 2. B* gger. Now I have using some new moisturising cream...and my legs felt itchy..I scratched..they got more itchy. I tossed and turned, tried to sleep, no, brain is too awake, legs too itchy. I wonder what it is. Have I got Itchy Legs syndrome, and I will always have it now, and never sleep again...I get to the point where I realise I am not going to sleep. I hatch a plan..I put the light on. I sit up and look at my legs...oh dear.....little red bites dotted around..bl** dy h*ll, the dog has fleas and my banishing her next door they have come and found me. B* gger. I go downstairs, hunt in the medicine cupboard and find anti-histamines to stop the itching..with any luck they'll cause drowsiness and stop me from using machinery at the same time..I take out 2 ibruprofen for luck, they might help me sleep, and I also make a mug of hot milk and add a generous tot of whiskey..now you know I don't like whiskey, but my mummy used to give me this medicinally if I was ill and couldn't sleep, and I thought it tasted nasty, but now I like the associated comfort, if that makes sense. Last but not least, Time for a Little Something. 4 digestives. Cos I didn't have any dinner, and it could be hunger keeping me awake... So I go back to bed, read the local paper (nothing too stimulating) pop pills, drink my alcoholic drink, eat biscuits, wait to feel sleepy. And wait. And wait. Finally I decide to lie down and see what happens..I look at my phone..it's a quarter past 4. Next thing I know it's 7.15am and Clive is bringing me my tea. Time to get up..and I am bl** dy sleepy now. C'est la vie.
I logged on this morning, read the latest comments on my blog and added one myself. I then went on to spend a happy 20 minutes reading other blogs, before coming back to mine to write this post. I noticed someone had added a comment to my post, and looked, all excited. Then I realised it was me...doh..if I had a brain I'd be dangerous... I worked on my laptop at home and didn't make it in to the office before leaving for Stansted at 20 to 11..a clear run meant I was there by 11.30 and trying to park near the terminal..the clever layout means that's impossible unless you are just picking up/dropping off..nowhere to actually leave the car without risk of clamping..the very near car parks were full, so I parked a couple of minutes walk away, but noted it was a flat walk straight into the terminal.. ok for a wheelchair.... I waited an age..then James appeared in an airport wheelchair being pushed by a work colleague, who handed him over and went off to get his train. I took over and set off pushing large 6' 4" son and bag to the car park...a lot of it was down hill, so I was trying not to lose control..from what James was saying, even his brief experiences of being in a wheel chair had not been good ones.... Anyway, I got him to the car, eased him in, seeing, as he stood up, how twisted his back was, one shoulder was about 6 inches higher than the other. I asked if he wanted to come home with me to be looked after, but he said no, he would rather go back to his flat. So we drove into London, arriving in H* ghgate about 2pm, and went into a lvoely pub for a late lunch. I really, really had to get into the office, but what the heck..we were talking and sharing and it was good quality time... Then I drove him to his flat for about 3.15pm, when he did the comedy routine of going to get his keys out of his pocket and doing all that patting of pockets and frantic searching which resulted in..no keys. A phone call to the hotel in Italy confirmed they were in his room..now James is very organised and tidy and hate chaos..you can imagine how he coped with this next setback, to add to a wasted trip to Italy, two days and a night in the same clothes because he couldn't undress or dress himself..his bed, painkillers and all he wanted were upstairs in his flat... I said, not to worry, he was unwell, just about coping, these things happen, the hotel will post the keys back. And then I said..really I did, because the idea of a Purposeful Life is still in my head, all happens for a Purpose...'James, this is just God's way of telling you to come home with your mummy.' He looked at me for a second, then rang his girlfriend, asking her to kindly leave work early and kindly go to her flat and let him in to stay the night..oh, well that told me... and to think he used to need me.... So back in the car..not further into London to A's flat, but back up to H* ghgate to the public toilets as by then we were both desperate!!! After that visit I headed back into London to A's flat, arriving about 4pm and giving up all hope of getting into work today. I was given a cup of tea and a penguin..ooh, haven't had one of those in ages, haven't they got smaller, they were huge when I was a child... I sat on a chair and J and A bagged the sofa. A was due to go to a party this evening, and J was encouraging her to go, she was saying, no she would rather stay in with a cripple..well she didn't say that, but you get the drift. Then the TV went on, and Quantam Leap started, and they were both excited..ooh, who is he going to be this week..like two little kids...I felt surplus to requirements so said my goodbyes and left, heading back out to St Alb* ns, arriving at 6.30pm..that will be the day gone. I walked in the door, sat down at the dining room table, switched on my laptop and started work on my newsletter. By 10.30pm I had it done, and figured I needed to stop and get some sleep....but no..I'll tell you next time....
..so there I was on Tuesday morning sitting at a meeting in Cheltenham..one I had travelled a fair way to attend, and one in which I hoped to make a valuable contribution. I started off voicing my opinion.. feeling assertive, my opinion is as good as anyone else's, I have confidence in my contribution..but when the chair carries on as if you haven't spoken, and constantly asks everyone else's opinion, then sums up and makes a decision leaving my contribution out..well, one's assertiveness starts to crumble.... Then, when he acknowledged someone else's contribution on another subject, and left me out again, despite having been reminded on previous occasions of my involvement..and two or three people at the table were kind enough to say. ''and Sally...' I found myself saying, 'Look, you either accept that I am round the table here or I may as well go home.'..rather sharply, and heard several intakes of breath round the table... To give the chair his due, he paused, said, 'Um...I've lost my thread now...' and then carried on as if nothing had happened. But...he did start to give me eye contact for the rest of the meeting..so something worked. And then we had lunch together in the pub after as if nothing had happened. Nothing was said. How terribly British.....but...I said my bit. And it needed to be said. My other frustration, apart from my secretary still being away and my colleague taking half term off, so I am on my own this week trying to deal with a million things apart from what I should be, ie volunteers and families...the Internet is still down, my newsletter is nearly two weeks late..so i bring it home to do on my laptop last night because I have internet connection and can therefore access clipart as I work....... Except for last night..the broadband was too slow, nothing worked, the clip art wouldn't download, my document kept crashing and I couldn't access any web sites....I worked out it was somehow the fault of Valentine's day and the world and his wife/girlfriend/mistress was on-line. B* gger to all of them (bah humbug) but it made me turn the pc off at 10pm before I blew a fuse, and I had an early night. This morning, I have sat up in bed and worked for a hour or so, internet is back to normal, clip art accessed. Will I get all my work done today? No. Because James, who hurt his back in Hong Kong flew out to Italy yesterday and his back went again on the plane..he has spent 24 hours in the hotel airport unable to move, didn't go to the factories to see the upholstery for his furniture..and has been put in a wheel chair and on to a plane home this morning..you can imagine how the phone call from him yesterday added to my stress...I felt so helpless...but today I am driving to Stanstead to bring him home.... The other thing I did to help was to ring the hotel in the Cotswolds to cancel his booking for a romantic weekend away with A. He told her before he left Weds morning. She was so excited. Not going to happen this weekend.....as I said, frustration, frustration.....
When I last stayed away overnight, I discovered I had forgotten my toothbrush and toothpaste. Fancy that! I hear you cry... Well, luckily the hotel in which I was staying lad little emergency bags in reception, which were free! Now there's a thing..I can't remember what items were in the bag, except for the dinky little traveller's toothbrush in a small clear glass container..you took out the toothbrush and fitted it on the end of the container and it became the handle..you know the sort of thing...also in the container was a miniature tube of toothpaste...aah.... Now I was so chuffed with my little free gift, that I decided to keep it permanently in my toilet bag, for stays away, just the thing. I was away last night, and was at great pains to pack my toilet bag, contact lens stuff, shampoo, shower gel, flannel, creams, potions, you name it.....I was so proud of myself for remembering everything... I packed my overnight case with clothes etc, and off I went...only when I got there and unpacked..no toilet bag. Forgot it. Whole bl** dy thing. How do I do it? Where is my brain? Fortunately, I managed..I had various items separate in my bag...face cream, make up...had to put my contact lenses in a glass of water in the bathroom..thankfully I didn't get up in the night and drink them... I had to use the hotel shower gel and shampoo (no conditioner, my hair was like straw) and I had no flannel to wash with.... Could someone be my packing buddy next time I go away????
 That's two posts I have lost now..one being a long, articulate and passionate part two leading on from my last entry, and in response to your kind comments - thank you - but it wouldn't publish or save, and at gone midnight I couldn't be * rsed to write it all again..and this morning's attempt I somehow deleted by mistake..so I will just post this pic of a 4 foot snow rabbit which James saw whilst walking on Hampstead Heath last Friday..a lot of dogs were very perturbed and barking at it madly....
..It's our mantra when dealing with emotionally charged child protection issues at work..first you feel...but you must take time to move beyond the emotion and think..preferably talk it over with someone else to help you get the right perspective..then, do....decide on a course of action and do it. I guess we all spend our lives feeling, thinking and doing. I do, in endless circles, trying to make sense of my feelings, which very often tend to overwhelm me, and I lose my sense of self in strong, passionate, often painful feelings. So I am ' heart' person?? I don't know, because I think about stuff constantly..think and think, analyse, what if..should I...I shouldn't..I ought..I wonder..why? How? What next? And such thinking leads to actions being taken because of intellect, the mind, so am I a 'head' person??? In truth the heart and mind are sometimes in tune, sometimes in total opposition, that the constant battle is exhausting..at the moment I am going through a phase of not sleeping - waking up at around 5am and then being unable to get back to sleep, so much going on in my head.... Conclusion..doing ok....balancing heart and mind...probably very slightly depressed, but otherwise doing ok.... Our church is launching their lent home group programme, called 40 Days of Purpose - based on an American book and a programme which has swept America. The launch was at 4pm on Saturday afternoon and I intended not to go. Clive had mentioned it a few times, and when I said, again, I was not going, he was disappointed. Just come and see what you think, he said, it will only be an hour, an introduction and tea. Not long, just come and see.....it's like indoctrination into the Moonies, isn't it..sounds so harmless... I reluctantly agreed to go with him..what harm..so there I am freezing in church on Saturday afternoon in front of a big screen for the video presentation from California. Our minister explains the process..time of worship..video..tea..more video..we get our packs..will be over by 6.30pm probably...I look at Clive..that is two and half hours... he looks guilty... I sit and watch and listen.. and feel.... and think... and at the end go up the front during the final hymn to get my pack. I sign up to a house group. As the preacher in the small Californian church (c 3,000, noted: all very white, good looking, expensive clothes.. get the picture?) said, 'If you are sat in church listening to this, it is no accident. God wants you to be here. This message is for you.' Of course, the message is that my purpose in life (book to study: Living the Purposeful Life) is to Worship God, to serve God in Discipleship, to find my Ministry (in church), to live in Fellowship with my fellow Christians and find my Mission (in the World) . Just be a vessel for God. He uses old and new vessels. Big and small. But not dirty ones. Only clean ones. Do I go, dear reader? Do I go to these lent house groups and be challenged anew? Should I rediscover God's purpose for my life? Is God calling me to go? By chance, after this challenging afternoon, where the Californian preacher touched my raw nerve by saying it was our duty to bring people to God, otherwise people die and spend eternity without God..so that's what happened to my parents, so comforting..... we were invited to a party.. Clvie decided not to go (not big on social gatherings) and H did something else, so it was that DC and I found ourselves going together - I drove so he could drink - and I asked if we could talk first - so we found a pub and I talked all about The Purposeful Life, and my faith, or lack of it, and his faith, and making sense of our lives in the eyes of God...until it was a quarter to ten and we were almost two hours late for the party... We arrived in sombre mood after such a long heavy but valuable conversation. We found the party to be (as we might have suspected) as lively as a wake after a funeral, with a few serious people sitting round talking, but not much fun. 'Thank goodness you two have arrived to liven things up,' appeared to be the general message. Even being fairly low key, just talking to people, mostly old friends from the theatre group I used to run, and people remembering coming to rehearsal, and meeting me, the director, and saying how in awe they had been of me then!!! Oh yes, my life had a purpose then... David and I had bought the 'It's in the bag' game, and we got the last final group to sit down and play, and kept the party going until midnight...while playing, David leading one team and me another, the friendly rivalry and teasing and jokes led to several occasions when people were laughing and completely helpless, tears pouring down their cheeks...is this my fellowship? My ministry, to cheer, make people laugh, share my friendship, humour, dare I say...my lvoe? God is lvoe isn't he? I dropped David at a friend's house where H had ended up, so he could continue socialising (and drinking!) and drove home. I sat in bed, then lay in bed waiting for sleep. 1am. Feel, think, do. Feeling...slightly sad..but strong. Ok..a survivor.... thinking..what do I do? DO? Sleep. Until 5am. A whole four hours. Then I wake..thinking...
Well, good to look at and play in, not so good for driving in and getting to work, obviously!! I rang N who informed me that all local schools were closed (what??? Because of 6 inches of snow? I went to school in Liverpool when we had to walk and dig ourselves out of 10 foot drifts.... Merlin knows what I mean...) So we had to cancel our volunteers' training day, I gave N the day off as her son was at home and I know she wanted to go out sledging and making snowmen...MA was snowed in at her parent's home..so I alone struggled out and -watched by the disbelieving neighbours - cleared six inches of snow off my car, and made it slowly along the road, sliding a bit, until I main road and all was ok... The small roads near my office were snowy and slippy and cars were all over the place, so I parked and walked in..carefully.... I did some work, went to the bank and realised the town was a ghost town, so I took a management decision that as it was still snowing, I was in danger of being snowed in, so I e-mailed some stuff home, and drove carefully home... At home, heating up high, doggy curled at my feet, i-tunes playing, I sat at the dining room table and worked, watching the snowflakes cover the garden and make it look even more beautiful... I had bought supplies on the way home...soup, rolls...a donut....a home-made chocolate chip cookie....a bar of chocolate covered marzipan.. well, two; one for the journey home, and one for when I got home..I think we can safely say this diet is not going very well..I weigh more now than when I started..I blame the snow...
 View from my bedroom window this morning..I wanted it to be so deep, and snowing so fiercely that I would be snowed in at home all day. No such luck.....
One of those bizarre evenings only made possible by the mad friends I have...I started by leaving work early and taking a food parcel to Laa who is still of with flu and needing supplies. They somehow included a packet of chocolate marshmallows (M&S will reduce them and stack them by the till..) but she didn't fancy one so I tested out a couple with a cup of tea..I just had ten minutes before heading to Stevenage to pick up DC (if he has caught the right train of course!!) to go to a meeting.... My phone rings then and DC announces he is at Stevenage half an hour early, having inadvertently caught an earlier connection when he changed trains, and finding himself pulling into Stevenage when he wasn't expecting it (he was on the phone!) and having to grab all his stuff and fall out on to the platform..I point out that I have just sat down with a cup of tea and he has no right to be early...he decided to get a taxi as he needs a sit down and a bit if quiet to get over the shock of being half an hour early for the first time in his life... When he arrives at Laura's I open the door, and there is DC, he throws me his coat, pushes past me and runs upstairs shouting, 'Where's the loo?' and vanishes, leaving the taxi outside with the meter running as he was so desperate for a pee...then he comes down and goes out and pays the driver. who is looking amused..he has earned 60p for that pee....Laura makes David a cup of tea, and I tell him about Liz being not too far away, doing training for other budding s*wage * ngineers, and we start to imagine the test questions at the end of the day....I just have to text Liz the results, starting with, 'If Billy at no. 33 does a poo at 9.23am into the outflow into his street, how many other people will have to...' and so it goes on, really stupid...Liz's reply reduces me to giggles as she is amazed I have guessed one of the exam questions exactly, except the name is Bobby, not Billy, and we go on to exchange more bizarre questions, involving..well, you don't want to know, but suffice it to say her replies reduce me to such hysterics that I can't read them out, and I am crying with laughter, which makes David helpless, and Laura is just sitting under her duvet on the sofa watching in sad disbelief.... Eventually it is time for us to drive to our meeting, which is an important public meeting to do with a Christian Festival David and I are working with (another one) and I am wearing my new posh suit and want to look good, and Laura points out that I have laughed/cried all my make-up off, so I have to raid her make up bag to repair the damage.... Well, we set off and I am driving the hour/hour and a half to this meeting, and DC, unusually the passenger, is telling me about his day, and the fact his back is playing up and he has been drinking lots of water which is good for him...the journey passes pleasantly enough until we hit the town we are heading for, and sat nav tries to tell me I can go down streets that are obviously one way the other way, and so I have to make it up, but we are really early, plenty of time no worries, and then DC starts to say he needs a pee...nearly there I say, driving happily on, and he says, look, there's a garage, oops too late, I've missed the turning...then on the other side he spots a pub...no, I can't turn, someone too close behind, sorry, missed that too..I'll stop soon... Suddenly David starts making strange noises, he undoes his seatbelt and starts scratching at the door handle, saying, 'I need a pee, I'm having a panic attack, I need to go now...' and of course I start laughing cos I think he is messing about, then I realise he isn't and is in the middle of a full scale anxiety attack about his immediate need to pee, but my laughing kind of makes him laugh, which makes it worse..oh no I am on the town's ring road and he is staying, stop, pull in, pull in, but I can't..then up ahead I see a turning and a building with lights, it's a hotel I think, 'Pull in, pull in, ' he is shouting as he is opening the door on the bend... I pull in and it is a small industrial estate, and a yard, no-where to go, but there are some bushes at the end of the yard and a couple of industrial wheelie bins.. 'Let me out ..NOW..' as I slam on the brakes, he jumps out and vanishes into the bushes behind the wheelie bins, and I turn the car round so I can't see and my headlights aren't aiming his way..a couple of cars come down into the yard, and I hope he doesn't get spotted in the bushes..by the time he returns I have again been reduced to helpless giggles and have cried all my make-up off again...he is in shock from experiencing what maybe his first panic attack..and he wishes I would stop laughing.... Anyway, we make it to the meeting in a big town centre church, over 200 people attend, and we join in and get to sit on the platform at the front, and are introduced as the professionals who will make this festival happen.... After, we decide we are hungry, and so find a little Italian for a pizza (we share and ask if can have a choice of toppings on each half..) I have the veggie option on my half, and David has the meat feast on his half, much to the confusion of the waitress..we stay and talk far too long, and soon it is 11.30pm..time to head back, and I make sure he goes to the little boy's room before we leave.... In a bizarre ending to the evening, I get home just before 1am, hoping I am not in trouble for being late, but sure C will be well asleep..anyway I am wide awake and go to the kitchen to make a coffee...suddenly C appears on the stairs, asking, who is it, and on discovering me, says he thought I was away training and wasn't expecting me back - no, I said, I told you I was at a meeting with DC - oh yes, I forgot, I am sleeping in your bed as I thought you were away..ok..I go up with my coffee and there he is back in bed, so as I undress I ask him how his day has been and look forward to company on a cold night..suddenly he gets up, picks up his watch, glasses and alarm clock and starts to leave..where are you going I ask? Back to my own bed, I can't sleep with you talking, and so he leaves. I sit up in bed drinking my coffee, and thinking, it's a funny old life..what shall I blog about in the morning?
At the weekend, on Saturday night actually, I allowed myself the luxury of curling up on the sofa with a large bar of chocolate and watching a good film..(so what's new I hear you say...) here is a clue to the film in question...  Yes, I've seen the film a dozen times, but it was still a good way to spend a Saturday night in, it still made me laugh, not least because of the character Spike, and the performance by Rhys Ifans, who is the star of the movie, really. Anyway, moving on to last night, I went to the theatre with Jill: we went to the Donmar Warehouse in Covent Garden, one of our favourite theatres, it is so small and intimate, and from our seat in the second row we could almost touch the stage and the actors..the play was Don Juan in Soho..riveting from the opening second, and with the arrival of Don Juan, the main character, we were hooked. He was a real lothario, tall, thin as a rake, good looking, a powerful deep, theatrical voice which filled the theatre, and he stole the show for the whole time he was on stage, which was every second. He was magnetic, and reminded me of someone...like a young Peter O'Toole I thought, and a similarity to someone else, I couldn't put my finger on it..how annoyed was I not to have a programme, I hate not knowing... Afterwards, I found a cast list and searched for the leading man's name...oh yes..how f** ing obvious..it was..wait for it..Rhys Ifans. Looking like this:  ..the same, but not the same...and oh, what a performance..as Don Juan, he strutted about the stage with the self assurance of one who knows he is 'absolutely f* ckable'...having ladies left, right and centre, as he desires, the ultimate cad, but I bet there was not one lady there last night who wouldn't have said yes if he had come on to them, such was his appeal.... The scene in the hospital where he sits with a girl under a blanket giving him a bl*w job, whilst he is coming on to the girl sitting next to him was exquisite comedy....and the part where he lambasts society, the cult of celebrity, the ipod and even the blog...wonderful, just wonderful... What a cad. What a user. But you couldn't help but love him. And to find out that no more than 6 feet away from me all night, so absolutely in character I didn't recognise him...Rhys Ifans. F* cking brilliant.
I came in from work last night..thinking, as I usually do, as I put my key in the door..mmm..is there anything yummy to eat..especially..is there any chocolate? And the answer, sadly, was no..mainly because I had eaten the large bar of Cadbury's Whole Nut I bought on Saturday...what was I going to nibble on??? I picked up the post, including the small jiffy bag, a sign, usually, that Clive has ordered a CD from somewhere, or a strange technical widget that will make him very happy...but no, the jiffy is addressed to me! Oh joy!! I open it to find a card and a large square of chocolate...and they are from the lvoely Caroline, who, it has to be said, is going through a bad time at the moment (understatement??) and to think she has thought of me and gone and bought and posted chocolate - to me! - makes me feel very humble and cared for indeed. I thought I should take a piccie of it to share with you all, so I whipped out my phone and arranged the chocolate tastefully for a photoshoot on my bed: But somehow, in between taking it out of the packet, and taking its picture, a large chunk appears to have gone missing, can't think why..or where...but if you can still make out the message printed into the yummy belgian chocolate, I have to confirm...it does.
 At five thirty this morning I am awoken by the buzzing of a text arriving in my phone... 'In a black London cab..on the home to my bed! Flight was fine, my back's ok, didn't sleep much, just read and watched films. Food was crap tho. Shame. Speak tomorow. Jx.' Well, that's ok then. he is back safe and all is well with the world.
 Having invited J,P and daughter M to lunch, I went shopping yesterday, and last night decided to get ahead by making the two deserts planned..got all the ingredients out and discovered that the eggs in the fridge were a month out of date, and although I might have risked them had it just been us, I didn't want to poison my friends, so I binned them, with Clive's usual criticism ringing in my ears....why do you buy food we don't eat, I am always throwing stuff away....the answer is I don't know, I don't shop with a list, I don't plan menus, and it is obviously wasteful, and frustrating in that we don't eat perfectly good eggs, but when I need eggs to cook, they are out of date. Doh. I know I could go out and buy eggs, but I can't be *rsed, and vow to get up early and buy eggs and get cooking..well I do get up, probably 'early' would be pushing it, but I come back with eggs, and as time is getting short I start by preparing lunch, peeling vegetables, preparing the chicken etc, before starting on the one pudding I have time for..the lemon surprise pudding...just as I start, David phones me before he goes in to church (oh yes, I used to go to church once...) to say he has two cheques to drop off on his way back, but one needs explaining...ok..see you later.. I carry on and am about to mix all the pudding ingredients when my cousin rings for a chat and a catch up so I can't put the mixer on, but I do the grating lemon rind, and squeezing out juice, and separating the eggs, and wonder about the amount of time this desert is taking, and the mess I appear to be making of what was a clean kitchen....while I am on the mobile, the land line rings, so I ring off one and answer the other ..it is James phoning from Hong Kong, to tell me he put his back out this morning getting dressed (as you do) and had to phone his medical insurers and take a taxi to hospital in agony and has had painkilling injections in his back, and he is flying home tonight but has to take relaxing tablets and painkillers..I am wondering if my kids will ever ring me to tell me life is great, and not only when something goes wrong... I am on the phone a while, and when I have finished, I ring my cousin back and tell him what's happened..then at a quarter to twelve I realise my guests are coming in 45 mins and I am far from ready, so I check the chicken, put the potatoes on to boil and finish the lemon sponge, mixing, stirring, folding, and Clvie comes in from church and remarks I seem a little behind..the table is not laid..well, yes... Anyway, the last thing to do is whizz the egg whites into a thick meringue and stir into the lemon sponge mixture, which is looking a tad too liquid for my liking....I look round for the egg whites but can't find them..after a search and 'they have to be here, they were just here in a dish..' I find the jug with the lemon juice in, and think..the juice should be in there by now....and (just for Liz...) then it dawned on me..in my haste I had poured in the egg whites with the milk instead of the lemon juice....oh, what a waste of the last hour of my life, I have this lemoney liquidy mixture..oh b*gger....Clive is not sympathetic rally, and quite rightly cannot understand why cooking a simple lunch is causing so much mess and stress..I baste the chicken 'That doesn't look very cooked' says Clive helpfully..and put in the roast potatoes..I ask Clive to make coffee as lunch might be a while, and I go upstairs and make myself look presentable (only takes ten seconds cos I am almost perfect anyway) and come down and lay the table in the dining room to have a break from the kitchen... At that moment David arrives and helps with the table cloths while he is giving me cheques to pay in tomorrow, while explaining at the same time that one is in part payment of the October invoice, and they have paid December, but not November, but they overpaid on,e and should we bank this or send it back, and I explain I am in the middle of a sponge pudding crisis, and was I supposed to be listening to all this, or even care? He laughs and looks at the sponge pudding mix and suggest I whisk some air into it and see what happens. He asks me where the cheque book is and the paying book, and notices I don't look him in the eye when I say of course I know where they are, and would he bugger off..and he says, who is worried about being in business with who? As he leaves, I put on the vegetables, juggling saucepans as only three rings out of 4 work, and I try and find room for chicken, potatoes, parsnips, cauliflowers cheese and a lemon surprise pudding (surprise! it's crap!) and Yorkshire puddings in a small oven all requiring different temperatures. As J,P and M arrive they see my stress and I tell them to leave me alone and go and drink coffee and leave me alone. I assemble a belated raspberry brulee, while J finds a vase for the flowers she has bought me, and she rolls her sleeves up and washes up the piles in the sink....what a true friend..the conversation takes an interesting turn, and what she says proves what an amazing non-judgmental friend she is.... I even manage to make gravy, and serve up what turns out to be the most wonderful roast chicken dinner ever, tasty, loads to eat...M, their daughter and I always get on like a house on fire, and she lvoes my cooking, and what's more we have such a laugh over lunch.... Finally, the piece de resistance, the lemon surprise pudding - surprise! it's edible - we all have some with lashings of double cream, and it's moist and lemony and gorgeous..and then they all have raspberry brulee as well!!! At the end of the afternoon when we have all sat round and had more coffee, and the most ridiculous conversations which mostly takes the mick out of us all in turn....they take their leave and thank me for lunch and for making them laugh all day..you know, I'm sure that's what they said last time they came to lunch..what's so funny I'd like to know?? The maddest thing of all is that I have taken another hour out of my life writing about all this chaos...well, I hope you all appreciate it. if not..I won't bother again.....
 'Hi, got to Hong Kong fine by ferry...the most amazing place. Never seen anything like it. Out for a curry and beers last night. And shopping today. With a couple of guys from work. Nice hotel too. Stunning place. U have to see it to believe it! Flying out tomorrow night. Jx.I hope he enjoys his weekend off. After the two weeks working and travelling he has done he deserves it!!! I was supposed to be going shopping with Laa after work last night, but she texted me to say she was off with flu-like symptoms, and so I went round and made us both a cup of tea and kept her company..she had got as far as the sofa and was snuffling under a duvet..she was watching a really cheesy American film called, 'Remember I will always lvoe you..' about a child who was stolen as a baby finding his parents again as a teenager..have seen it before but didn't stop me watching it again! As Mec was going out for the night, Laa decided she would like company, so I was persuaded to stay for a Chinese takeaway, and we watched Lost in Translation - one of Laa's favourite films, but I've not seen it before. I really liked it, and the quality of so much unknown or unexpected in it..especially the ending.... This morning her two bridesmaids came round here with Laa and tried on the dresses. They look really good! Now they have all gone shopping to find matching shoes..so amazing to see all three, friends since they were 5 at infants school, all grown up and helping to plan Laa's wedding.... Now I am the only one with out an outfit...sob....
..or maybe it's not the world, it's in my head....I think I'm winning, but keeping emotions under control is still an issue..with some people!!! I seem to have such a lot of anger, that, like a volcano, suddenly finds a place to shoot to the surface and threatens to take over, and I lose control...then after the anger comes the upset and the tears...but 90% of the time I am like a normal person, so that's an improvement... Crazy world at work, so much to do, still no Broadband....even the calm, unflappable IT guy we are now paying is losing his cool at the call centre in India: every time we ring, they won't progress the problem from the last call, they start again, and say, we need to do a line test, it will take 24 hours...so far about 4 line tests and no solution. Eventually he spoke to someone, a lvoely lady called Janet somewhere in the UK who admitted they were having major technical problems, with everything, and they weren't coping..now we have asked them for a code which enables us to change our broadband supplier, and have told them, don't bother fixing our line, ok? And for anyone interested, zen broadband is looking like the preferred option.....
 'Hi, just waiting for my flight back south. Pretty cetral here and they can't get many Westerners. On my own and getting stared at everywhere. Doesn't help that I've practically got a beard.Nearly brought a supermarket to a standstill last night. Making me quite paranoid. Tomorrow should be fairly straight forward tho, a return visit. The on to Hong Kong on the ferry. Hurrah!! Book going well. Love J.'Dear J, you do brighten my day! And what book are you reading?' Mx 'I do hope you're not being sarcastic!! The Michael Palin book of course. Want Graham Chapman's book now! J.' I bought him M Palin's autobiography for Christmas. J is a great fan of Monty Python. Glad it has seen him round China!!! I wonder if his being 6' 4" has anything to do with him being stared at..... Managed to listen to Chasing Cars at full volume four times whilst writing this!! Lvoe it!
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..Rightly or wrongly, after two bad days, I found two months supply of anti-depressants in the draw and have, as of this morning, put myself back on them. Feels like a bit of a backward step, as I came off them last summer, but as I am not coping with life very well, I thought I would...
