nearly time for a little something

Where have all the hours gone....

2009-01-30T22:38:00.002Z

Mmmm.where has that small puppy gone!! She has outgrown her bed now! Only five months old and as big as Sophie was...she is so lvoely, such fun, I lvoe her to bits, and I get to walk her at weekends.....

I can't remember being so busy, but it's been good.... I've got more than enough work during the day but am also running a Parenting Programme on Tuesday evenings and running my first evening volunteer's training on Wednesday evenings..we've got 14 volunteers in training which is the biggest course ever! The first one was this Wednesday and it was a brilliant evening, it went really well..the group consists of 13 women and 1 man, but you can tell he is going to get on well and really join in.

I've also started a teaching qualification which is run locally but awarded by the Uni of Central Lancashire! Apparently I will get a proper student card which means discounts when shopping! Top Shop here I come! The downside is I have an essay to finish this weekend and a lesson plan to write. But I'm doing more training for the national organisation (went to a lovely residential in Cheltenham in Jan, and will be back there in March...) so it's all good.

I have more good days than bad days, tho yesterday was a low point..but I am dealing with stuff and getting there, I think...been swimming this evening so feel better, altho I am depressed about my weight..but only I can do something about that!

I know, I know, I said I would write more regularly this year, but it hasn't happened.... still, it's good to be busy and focused, keeps me out of mischief!

Time for bed. Saturday tomorrow! Places to go, people to see! All I need is to find something to wear that fits........

Happy New-ish Year....

2009-01-16T23:12:00.002Z

Well, it's January 16th. My New Year resolutions were, roughly, eat less, exercise more, be happy, be creative, write more, return to regular blog writing....mmm.. not sure if I have been successful with any!!!

I am much better, after some very difficult months. Sleeping better, more in control and, yes, happier, but then that's not difficult! Seriously, there is a return to the old me, or something like it. I still have good and bad days, but more good than bad. Have I ever said how lucky I am to have such good friends?

I actually did start writing a blog entry back in November. I went to SF's (camp, funny, you know...) birthday/firework party, drove there on my own, determined to be sociable and have a good evening. On the way I listened to radio 2, and heard a programme all about the song 'Hallelujah.' Not only did it have quite an effect on me, soon Merlin had mentioned it on his blog, and then blow me down, if it didn't feature on X factor.... I think I saved the blog entry as a draft, if I have, I'll download it now.... Happy New Year.

Millie continued...

2008-10-30T21:13:00.001Z

Puppies are hard work. As bad as having a small baby! Eating, sleeping, chewing, pooing, weeing, biting...constant attention and training... we got her on Thursday evening, then on Sunday C went away on business for a few days, leaving me in charge, doing the day and night duties. I was exhausted! I went to work for three hours in the middle of the day, but apart from that was on duty.. very, very tiring.

However, there was fun too, playing, and visitors coming to see the new arrival, and I took the time to do some training. In two days I had her recognising her name, coming when called, and sitting, her reward being a little biscuit treat. I was very pleased with the progress!

By Wednesday Millie was enjoying another new experience..snow! I was also enjoying the space, having the house to myself, a few days just for Millie and me, I pottered about and relaxed in between cleaning up puppy duty. A good few days....

Sadly, by the end of the week she had come down with kennel cough, which she caught from the kennels, and so we had our first trip to the vet. She is on anti-biotics and is making a good recovery..a bundle of energy with extremely sharp teeth and a liking for my toes...ouch ouch....

Introducing Millie....

2008-10-24T21:49:00.000+01:00

A visit to the RSPCA soon after we lost Sophie, to show them pictures of the rescue dog we gave a home to 15 years ago, a very happy 15 years, led the girls there telling me about 2 year old lady dog that had just come in to the rescue home with a litter of 8 puppies. She was a lvoely dog, similar to Sophie, and she would need rehoming once the puppies were gone. We agreed to come in and see her the next week.

So in we went, Laura, Clive and I, to see the mummy dog who was lovely. But Clive picked up one of the little black puppies..and was smitten. I took him outside for a talk. Do we really want a puppy? They are hard work. It will grow big....I was the sensible, rational one, he was soft and wanting a puppy..the biggest role reversal in the world!!!

And so it was, on Thursday evening, that Millie came into our lives. And our kitchen.....

Millie sitting in the office at the RSPCA, quietly waiting to be collected....

Millie asleep in her basket in the kitchen, worn out by the process of coming to her new home....aaaah.....

How to lose 13 years in an hour....

2008-10-24T21:07:00.000+01:00

I left work early on Wednesday to have a facial. I had seen the special offer in the hairdressers on Friday, and signed up immediately. A special dermatological facial, 75 minutes, for half price..with face, neck and shoulder massage...and the facial was especially for 'mature' skin..all right, old people....just what I needed...

I arrived to be greeted by Charlotte, the beauty therapist, young, blonde and immaculately made up. I told her I felt my face had suffered recently..stress, lack of sleep, age..I looked saggy and tired and with puffy eyes..she smiled and said I was lovely and she had noticed my lovely dark hair (chocolate, remember..) and that I had very pretty, intense blue eyes. She said I shouldn't he hard on myself..come on, what woman isn't???

Anyway, I undressed and lay under my towels, enjoyed the warm dimly lit room, with candles and soothing music, and Charlotte opened jars of cream, cleansers, toners etc. What did I want most from this facial she asked? Oh, I said, just take 10 years off me, that'll do...

75 minutes later I had relaxed, slept, been cleaned, exfoliated, creamed, massaged and opened my eyes feeling amazing...she said I had good skin, still firm, but yes, it looked stressed and I needed more sleep and to drink more water! (Not hard, I hardly drink any!)

I drove home, had a shower and washed my hair, put make up on my newly cleaned face and set off to a One World Week service to represent my charity (sorry, can't name it, too risky...) I took my seat on the front row, ready to take part, when in came the Deputy Mayor and was seated next to me, a very nice lady who was pleased to have someone to talk to. We chatted easily, and I noted how relaxed and happy I was feeling, as opposed to stressed and very antisocial. She talked to me about her children, and I asked the usual questions. She then asked how old my children were. Well, James has just turned 32, I said, and she actually jumped! What, she said, 32? Yes. I was very young when I had him, I smiled, trotting out my usual line... yes, but not like, 10, she said. Well, no, obviously not... But seriously, she said, I am 42, I thought you were about the same age as me, really. I laughed. Well, I thought, I must let Charlotte know that she has not just taken 10 years off me, but 13!!!!!!!

Then it got better...

2008-10-21T20:51:00.000+01:00

Yes, the weekend was better. A combination of me feeling much, much better by Friday, and the fact that I am driving again, and life is back up to speed, if you will excuse the pun! I got used to not going anywhere if I didn't have to, and having to be driven if I did have to....

Saturday morning I got up early and was in town for a 9am luxury manicure, which was relaxing, good for my hands and my nails looked lvoely...all part of the 'look after yourself, cos you're worth it,' campaign! I came out into the sunlight, a lovely bright autumn day and walked right into Gary, an old theatre colleague, who immediately invited me for coffee as we haven't really seen each other for over a year. The cappucino was gorgeous and we chatted and caught up and had a great time.

Then I had to go..to get round to my friend Jacky's for my 11am coffee appointment! Her daughter has just moved into her very own flat, so we headed for coffee round there and a good look round... all very sociable, and I drove home in time for lunch, valuing my independence and really enjoying driving again....

Saturday evening I was driving again..this time it was payback for my business partner for all the driving her has done for me this year, I drove him to a post festival drinks party, organised at last by the committee who employed us to deliver their festival in July....a lifetime ago now!

We went to the most wonderful house in a lvoely village in Essex..don't know if it was an old vicarage, or squire's house, but it was posh! We had drinks and canapes and hugged each other like old friends and reminisced about the festival..I carefully batted aside questions about future plans and what festival we are working on next....

The drinks evening ended relatively early, after lots of talk and laughter and encouraging news about another event planned in two years..which they may want us to be involved in..well, watch this space.

We hadn't eaten, and so found a very nice Chinese/Thai on the way home, and ate and talked about our respective children, and work, before driving home (I drove!), both grateful for a pleasant, civilised evening. Who would have thought!!!

Sunday was lvoely weather too, and I spent the morning running a charity stall at a local farmers' market, selling my Christmas cards and puddings...it was good fun. On going home I discovered James, Laura and Mec round for the afternoon, and we sat about, ate, played on our iphones and laptops, read papers and had a good time. Now that is what Sundays are for....

Words to describe a week in the life of......

2008-10-17T20:59:00.000+01:00

Monday... not a good day... forgot my phone... got cross with someone... got upset with someone... too upset to go into an important meeting... tears... shouting... talking... am I being lied to still? What am I supposed to do here? Who am I in all this? A feeling of calm after the storm...

Tuesday... busy training volunteers... a good day.. better than the day last week when I felt crap and depressed and tearful and was training on...depression... !! this week values and attitudes, prejudices, class, culture, interesting stuff coming from the group... then a business planning meeting all evening, hard work, but we got somewhere..who will write up the business plan? Oh, that'll be me then...

Wednesday.. heard I have a new training role in the national organisation... doing 6 days a year induction training.. means a three night residential in... Cheltenham!!! in November... things are looking up... went swimming late on, instead of going in the chilly lane pool as usual, Viv and I went in the casual pool, free of children..it was gloriously warm and relaxing, chilled music was playing, and we swam and relaxed, and watched the men gathering at one end of the pool and going into the steam room together... mmmm...

Thursday, feeling better, sleeping better, getting through work... went to my counselling..didn't cry! Yay!

Friday, spoke at a lunch on how my bereavement counselling helped me, in support of the charity which provided it. Sat with a Solicitor, a Vicar, a Bishop and a Lady. Asked the Bishop if he had ever been to Gre*nb*lt! He hadn't... was on good form..think I spoke well, with humour but honesty.. people were moved... touched... I felt brave... then walked back to the office and thought, I could do with a hug...I had a cup of tea and a biscuit instead... did some work, then had my hair cut. Went home. Dyed it chocolate brown. It might look crap but it tastes yummy....

Feeling ok. Sad, but ok. Life will go on.

A musical weekend..part two

2008-10-15T23:23:00.004+01:00

Sunday evening saw me taking my little friend Mandy to my favourite folk club..well, she is a friend's daughter, she is 23 and we get on like a house on fire, and I used to teach her the guitar, I introduced her to folk music. She said she had never been to a folk club so I treated her to an evening with Chris While and Julie Matthews, two of the most talented singer songwriters I have ever heard. They put all of their life experiences into their songs and sing them from the heart..... the chorus of one sing cut me to the quick..
'How can I go on? How can I manage? When loving you leaves me like storm damage?' Come on girls, we can all identify with that....

I had to buy their new album, Together Alone, and I can play it in the car while I am driving..did I mention I was driving again???? I saw the lvoely Caroline there..a pleasure as always, and it's good to share a hug....

A musical weekend....part one

2008-10-12T14:00:00.000+01:00

I was shopping in town with Laura when I got the call..was I free to do followspot that night? I hadn't done followspot for about two years, where at one time I was working at the theatre two or three nights a week....I just gradually cut down until I didn't go any more, and they stopped asking me. You must be desperate if you're asking me, was my response! Well, yes.... Oh, ok, I had nothing else to do with my Saturday night, and for £5.90 an hour..how could I refuse? By the way, what's the show? The Motown show. Oh, ok, bring it on....

So I squeezed into my theatre blacks, and went to work. I forgot how hot and tiring it was standing, concentrating and pointing a followspot at various lead singers who move out of range the minute you take your eye off the ball.. or the singer. The music was ok...I remembered all the songs the first time round in the 1960s and 70s. One side of my face burnt from the heat of the lamp, the other side was pressed against the wall air conditioning unit which was pouring out freezing cold air, and occasionally, when I had the followspot at a certain angle, my head was trapped between the two. The show was due to come down at 10pm, but they managed to drag it out until twenty to eleven. Too much talking.

The rest of the crew were moaning about the get-out, the amount of equipment there was to pack up, lift off the stage (no lift or ramp) and load into the truck..they would be there until way gone midnight. I used to do all that. Now I thought, bugger it, too tired, I was only asked to do follow spot so I gave my apologies, too old, too tired, too feeble, signed my timesheet, and drove home. Did I mention I was driving again? Oh the independence of it.....

Holiday snaps....

2008-10-06T22:52:00.000+01:00

A few shots from the holiday in Crete...or should I say on Crete?
The beach......

Our adopted cat waiting for her morning milk...
Our adopted cat keeping my sun lounger warm for me....

the sun breaking through the clouds, making the small village below look biblically chosen...

And I must share this too...

2008-10-03T03:58:00.003+01:00

While I am in the sharing mood, (see below first for an entry written before this one!) remember that festival we did in the summer? The one we worked so hard for, over 18 months, then delivered over two weeks in June? Our first big paid gig? The one I said was a professional success but personal disaster? Our business relationship was not working, D was too busy up north with other work, our business was being neglected: I'm not going into detail but I was sick of the stress of things not done, invoices unpaid, e-mails not answered, being told things were done when they weren't, people contacting me all the time to sort the sh*t out, so I decided at the very time we spent two weeks together delivering the festival that I could take no more. This would be our first and last gig.

It was successful, and the organisers we worked for were very pleased, said thank you a lot etc. Last week one of the committee wrote us an official letter giving us 'official' feedback that we could use as a reference to get other business, hey, we can put it on our website that is still being built....

Here I am in the painful process of winding up the partnership, and I read this letter:

Dear S and D,
Following our review of the festival I write on behalf of the festival Venue group and the whole management committee to thank you most sincerely for your work in helping make r*****h festival such a success.
Your experience, knowledge and professional advice and guidance through the planning stage were invaluable and the training of volunteers, licence application, site planning, obtaining quotations and placing orders for the site set up etc were all excellent.
The site management throughout the whole festival, including setting up and removal, was really good, your management style and lively personalities created a great atmosphere – ‘under control but enthusiastic and enjoyable for all who worked with you’ – well done.
Thank you for everything – we could not have done it without you and will certainly come back to you again.

Did this make me cry? Of course. Isn't life a bugger?

Mood swings update....

2008-10-03T03:29:00.002+01:00

The fact that I am writing this entry at three in the morning should give you some sort of clue..back to the not sleeping. The fact that this got worse during my week's holiday in Crete goes against everyone's advice; 'Relax, enjoy, sleep well..' etc.

Yes I has been busy before I went. The summer of festivals was over, I had loads to catch up on in the office, reports to write, meetings to attend, an AGM to prepare for, a two day residential conference to attend, late nights, then a mad dash home on the Friday to unpack one bag, pack another and jump in a taxi/onto a train to head to Gatwick for our flight.

So yes, in theory I needed to relax and unwind. But theory is one thing. Sometimes keeping busy is the best medicine. Having nothing to do, no place to go, time to stop and relax means time to think. And more time to think. Lots and lots of 'stuff' coming up in one's head. And no space ( in a small one room apartment serving as lounge/kitchen/bedroom) to be alone. No-one 'appropriate' to talk to. So I read four books in five days. Kept reading to keep the mind occupied. Tried to sleep. Texted people back home more than was healthy. Couldn't sleep with all that was going round in my head.

And so it has continued on my return home. Routine: bed at 11pm. Sleep. Then wake at 1am, 3am, 5am and then give up. Or tonight: bed at 10.30pm (exhausted after little sleep the previous night) sleep, then wake at 12.30am, 2.30am...3am get up and make tea, bring laptop to bed, decide to write instead of tossing and turning.

I was doing quite well, considering. Feeling strong. Decided to cut down on the anti depressants I started again in January. Went from one a day to one every other day. Was still doing quite well. Then I didn't take enough on holiday and had one tablet every three days. Considering that I was away from my usual support network (friends!) and still very sad from losing Sophie dog, maybe that didn't help. I was so bad by the time I got back from holiday I went back to one a day for three days, now I am cutting back again to one every other day. Yes I am suffering mood swings again, yes I am very very tearful, but I am also getting too hot - so is it hormonal, menopausal, and so it will just pass?

It's a long time since I wrote so personally in my blog: I felt it had got too personal, and too damn depressing! But tonight I wanted to talk. The past 5 months have been tough. Bloody tough. And to be very honest to, I am having counselling again at the moment, to try to help me sort myself out. I had to wait, from getting back from holiday last Saturday, until today, or rather yesterday, Thursday before I could go and let out all the pain in a safe space. I bloody hate paying good money to someone to watch me crying.

Some changes are happening. I am resigning from the business, the forms are in the post. I am asking my business partner to change the business name,as I don't want him to carry on with 'our' name. This going to cause him inconvenience but it is better than winding up the business completely. I have been very grown up, I met with our accountant who is lvoely, for him to explain all the hard, grown up business/financial implications for me. Instead of partners, we will both become sole traders, independent. Painful, but necessary.

Forgive the rambling. Hey, I get my licence back at midnight on Saturday! I am having a celebration/thank you party on Saturday evening to say thank you to all the people who have been driving me about for the past six months. I am making myself do it, and am pleased I am. People been good to me over the past six months, in so many ways. I need to say thank you. Then I can drive again (yes, I know, slow down and stay off the whisky)... independence beckons...

If you have been, thank you for listening.

Let this be a lesson to you....

2008-09-16T22:45:00.003+01:00

Yes, look and learn, getting drunk and being silly can damage your health..or someone else's....

This is a picture of a certain part of someone's anatomy damaged by a large, flying, yellow builders' bucket. dropped from a great height on the poor unsuspecting victim below. Well, ok, he had been hitting himself over the head with various objects a few moments earlier, but still...

yes, there we were, in the beer tent at the end of the muddy Sugar Hill Festival. They were all drinking alcohol. I was on orange juice. Then.

The cause of the injury was not the usual implement, of choice, a metal tea tray. take a look at the cut: this had another cause..after the head in question had been struck by a tray, a large cardboard tube, and other random objects, a fellow reveller delivered the final (almost fatal) blow by climbing up on the beer casks and dropping a large yellow plastic builders bucket from a great height.

The resulting trauma and bloodshed had Geoff (for it was he, of 'FROLICKING' fame) drop to his knees, from which position I was able to stem the blood flow with a tissue, and clasp the injured party to my bosom, where he stayed quiet for some time. When the gathered motley crew had stopped laughing, Geoff's silence and lack of movement caused some concern, and so a couple were moved to ask if he was ok. After a short pause, a muffled voice from my bosom replied, 'No! I'm suffocating,' after which I released him and restored him to his feet.

Now let that be an end to it. NO MORE TRAYS. SOMEONE WILL GET KILLED. OR BE HORRIBLY INJURED. AND END UP IN MY BOSOM.

As Geoff was heard to say, death by suffocation is highly preferable to death by concussion.....

A little later, back in the caravan, after a little more alcohol had been drunk, and I had popped a little JD and brandy in my coffee, and got ever so slightly giggly, Geoff went to sit in the camping chair as I was trying to encourage him and his friend to leave (it was 3am...) 'What part of bugger off do you not understand?' I said, drink loosening my tongue. Hysterical laughter and a feeling of weakness led Geoff to try sitting in this position..... either that, or he was trying to put his injured head in the oven.....

and they didn't leave until almost 4.30am....

More music....

2008-09-14T18:40:00.002+01:00

I wrote about going to Cropredy, the Fairport Convention Annual Festival, with the ever patient Shaun and his little pop-up (and his tent....) and I hinted that I intended to write more about the music....well now seems a good time....

I was more than a little excited to discover that a band called Stackridge was playing... I delved into my wardrobe and pulled out my Stackridge T shirt and looked lovingly at the LPs I purchased in the 1970s. Stackridge was a Bristol based band I met through a school friend, and I went to a few gigs with them, even going out couple of times with the drummer, Billy, until drama school in Manchester called, and we lost touch...

The band broke up soon after, a mix of intense creative personalities falling out, and also a failure to 'make it' in the music business despite a loyal following: their music was different, couldn't be pigeon holed and didn't have a place in mainstream : I remember their first single, Dora the Female Explorer, (really..) being reviewed by Annie Nightingale on Radio One, and she just made fun of it and dismissed them: I hated her from that moment on.

Stackridge made history: they turned up uninvited at a small music festival near Shepton Mallet one year, and were lucky enough to be asked to play: unbeknown to them they opened the very first Glastonbury Festival!!! This year, having reformed, they played again at Glastonbury and went down a storm.

So it was that I left my usual place half way up the arena, and dressed in my Stackridge T shirt, I pressed myself against the pit barrier and felt myself fill with joy and nostalgia as the opening notes of Lummy Days hit me: I was not alone, there were many joyful Stackridge fans in the crowd, and we were all singing along to Marzo and Slark: the band were as brilliant as ever, and maybe now their peculiar brand of prog rock/folk will find a home on the festival circuit.

Billy is no longer with them, or Mike, but four original members are still with the band. I thought, I'd love to say hello, but I was a slip of a girl of 17 when I knew them: I'm now an older fatter 55, and they won't recognise me, sadly.... then they came on stage, and I was shocked by the line up of old men! Long flowing locks of dark hair have been replaced by grey, and gone completely to bald heads..I am not the only one to feel the ravages of time.

But the joy of their music speaks for itself: and I hope I see them at more festivals next summer. I did speak to them, and no they didn't remember me, (why should they!) (Billy would of course....) but they were friendly and lvoely and pleased to be remembered and back in business.

Have a listen. Prepare to be amazed. Let tears fall at the story of Percy the Penguin, or Syracuse the Elephant....

Now listen.....

2008-09-13T00:31:00.004+01:00

Last tears...if only

2008-09-11T22:26:00.002+01:00

These are the last tears I'm gonna cry for you
My cryin's through I'm moving on
I don't regret and won't forget
A single thing that we went through
But there are the last tears I'm gonna cry for you

You take things so much easier than I do
And you could live your life without me if you had to
And you believe that in the end it all works out right
And I might if not for you
And if you ask which one lives just alone for love
I do.

There was a time when all signs pointed to the warm south
The planets all lined up and built a new house
And everything we talked about felt like a prophecy
And when you looked at me they all came true
And if you asked which one wants to go the distance
I do.

I'm gonna rack my mind one last time until I cannot think
I'm gonna dip into your memory and take a good stiff drink
And when I'm drunk on the last drop of sadness about how we went wrong
I'm gonna play this song
Make some coffee black and strong
Give thanks for healing time
And finally make up my mind....

These are the last tears I'm gonna cry for you
My cryin's through I'm moving on.

I don't regret a single thing??? Oh, but I do. God give me the strength to walk away.

Mud mud glorious mud....

2008-09-10T23:11:00.002+01:00

Mmmm.last festival of the season..my hopes for an Indian summer (whatever that is) proved in vain. Cold, wet, muddy...yep that just about sums it up. That, and a lack of punters. many who did brave the mud, cold, wind and rain of Friday and Saturday, just packed up and left on Sunday morning, you can't blame them, but it meant Beth Rowley and Tom Baxter played to very few people in the Big Top!! But they were true pros and carried on..Imelda May was also amazing..... will Sugar Hill happen next year? Mmmm...conversations needed, sums to be done. Watch this space...

Bye, Sophie dog.....

2008-09-01T19:02:00.005+01:00

Bye little friend. Best friend for over 15 years. We'll miss you.

Another day, another festival....

2008-08-05T22:39:00.003+01:00

After a few days back at work, facing long days at my desk in the office, as opposed to outside in the fresh air running about on site, I felt the need to go to another festival..this time as a punter..,and with the offer of free tickets and backstage camping pass, it would be churlish to turn it down!

But..no-one to go with, and not wishing to be Sally no-mates, or inflict myself on others where I may not be wanted (and I may not want to either!) I got another ticket and pass for a friend...invited him to join me... and the answer was yes! Hooray! Shaun, one of the evil twins had come good, and was going to be my festival buddy!!!!

Having made my usual plans, packed my little tent and got ready to go, I remembered I still can't drive (only 2 months to go!) so had to rethink..train? With a sleeping bag, sleeping mat, duvet, pillow, tent, clothes...I think not..so I asked the long suffering other half to take me there, which he did. (Anything to get rid of me for the weekend...) Shaun met us at the site gate and watched in horror as an entire car load of my stuff was transferred to his car..as he pointed out, I had taken more for 2 nights that he does for an entire week at GB... well, I am a girly....

Actually my tent had come on with an advance party, who had also put it up for me, bless them, it normally takes me an hour or more on my own. I offered to help Shaun put up his tent next to mine. He unzipped a little bag and something flew out and expanded in mid air and landed...a tent. 'There you go,' said Shaun, knocking in a couple of tent pegs, it took all of a minute and a half. Clever sod.

It was time to walk round to the mainstage.. only a minute's walk as we were conveniently camped backstage (friends in all the right places you know....) and Shaun looked on stunned again, as I handed him two chairs (I forgot the rug, damn) and carried a cool box and picnic bag and another carrier bag of food..laden down we headed off, Shaun grumbling at the amount of stuff. 'Stop moaning,' I said, 'People will think we're married....' I know it seemed a bit of a middle-aged way of going to a festival, but he settled himself in a chair, and accepted lunch when the time came... a wonderful picnic.

The bands? The music? Now that's another story.

More festival pics....

2008-08-01T18:51:00.000+01:00

More pics....audience cafe style, enthralled by Tough Talk: ex-cricketer Henry Olonga singing - what a voice! Spot my excellent camera skills, showing him in close up on screen.... London Community Gospel Choir, a sell-out .... the schools' choirs night, with over 300 children taking part!!! And Godspell, which was a brilliant performance... took me back to my days as ASM of the national tour....

The committee report this week highlighted the good things about the festival, and the best was 'having a highly professional event management company produce the festival, without whose hard work and contribution, they couldn't have done it.. and they would use us again.' Oh well. Maybe not! But I am a bit proud of what we achieved.

So much good...

2008-07-25T23:54:00.000+01:00

..and so much bad at the festival. For me anyway. Professionally, the culmination of 18 months of planning and meetings, organising, decision making, site design, licence issues..so it goes on. But we did it. And we did it bloody well.

What we have worked towards since setting up the business two years ago. So much potential. The first major piece of work for us..and now most likely, the last. Question is, do I simply resign from the business, or do I request that it be dissolved, or disbanded, or whatever it is you do to a business? Cos SAND is Sally and David....and if I am not to be part of it any more, then I think it should cease to exist. But what happens to all the business things, the bank accounts, the assets, the debts.....it is very, very sad.

However, some more pics of the festival to end on a high note..apart from the major evening events, there were day time events, and we designed the marquee space so it could be split into two halves, or one half and two quarters, with round tables and bistro chairs, so the coffee bar could have that intimate feel...every day there was a chair aerobics session - I joined in briefly while D took a picture, but then we had to run away cos we weren't taking it very seriously....there was a talk every day, a charity of teh day, a book review and a lunch time concert, as well as tea, coffee and cakes. It was very successful, well attended, and I heard some good stuff here, very moving and very apt.

Spot me doing chair aerobics...and the lunchtime concert with the Salvation Army sextet..excellent.....

And so it begins...

2008-07-23T00:11:00.002+01:00

After three days of site building, three fun days in which it all started to come together, three days of having teams of volunteers arriving and helping out and making friends..two days of which it didn't rain, and we ate outside in the sunshine, retired to the caravan to eat and relax at night, made friends with Andy the scary biker security guy who turned out to be lovely and greeted me each evening with a big hug, and who came into the caravan late at night for cups of tea before guarding us all night...the Big Guy who found me crying one night and just wrapped his arms round me and said, Sally, You're lvoely....and he looked out for me every evening and was the only Atheist on site but the lovliest. Thank you Andy.

The sound and lighting guys turned up. Dan and John, what characters, what a laugh we had..they all liked a drink back in the caravan after work....I stuck to cups of tea or coffee (except one night, more of that later...)

Then it began, the first Saturday night, the Youth gig, with the live bands, and my teams of volunteers turned up, I briefed them, kitted them out with radios and looked after them through their first shift. They had a whale of a time, for most of them, their first experience of any kind of festival, or of stewarding in a yellow vest. Radios were foreign objects, and teaching them how to use the volume control, channel knob, ear pieces and mikes was hysterical. But we laughed and they loved it. Doggit and Maria came and briefed the Pit Crew and stayed and helped with the gig.

They stayed the night in the caravan, and the whisky came out....

A good night.

And there's more...

2008-07-22T23:58:00.000+01:00

It was a city centre, non residential Christian Festival in the city centre park. It lasted 9 days, the longest festival we have worked on, hence the length of time on site. We had problems with suppliers, the stage was late, the chairs and tables were late, I was on the phone getting stroppy with people, being very assertive and getting things done. Oooh, she's scary when she's angry, said passing volunteers.

I was the only woman in a crew full of blokes..I made lots of cups of tea. I offered. I was also asked to put the kettle on when I was about to help build the stage. I did not like this and threw my work gloves across the marquee and left. DC followed me and asked to help build the stage. He apologised for the poor unfortunate male who suggested it. I threw a cup and broke it. I made the tea. I reminded people that I was working as an ASM in the theatre when they were all still in nappies, I have lifted stage weights, built scenery, and never, in the 70s...the last century!!!..experienced sexism like this. Everytime I wheeled a flight case off the van some bloke would say, 'Well done!'

The man delivering the generators saw me go into the portacabin site office and said, 'Have you got a kettle in there love?' No, I said, but I'll go and make you a cup of tea..... Now Mandy, the girl who drove the 100 ton truck and delivered the portacabin, Mandy with the hardhat, face piercings and tattoos, now she was lovely, I climbed up into her cab out of the rain, and showed her where to site the portacabin (we painted the marks earlier...) When we got to position, there was DC in his yellow Hi Viz waterproof waving us in...as if I couldn't site a portacabin on my own. I sighed. 'Men!' said Mandy, laughing. Men, indeed....

Festival facts

2008-07-20T23:42:00.001+01:00

1. It was brilliant.

2. I was on site for 13 days and nights, only left once for an hour, the rest of the time was working, or eating, or sleeping, or talking, or laughing,....or crying....

3. Professionally, it was A Success.

4. I had a badge saying 'Event Director.'

5. I was in charge (with David).

6. SAND stands for Sally an' David.. (get it?....)

7. I loved it.

8. I could do it full time. For ever.

9. It might be the last gig we do as SAND. First and last. Go out with a bang, not a whimper.....

10. I promised some pictures:
Day one, set up day, poured with rain from morning til night. Our caravan and site office, set up til backstage was built. Woken at 7.15am on Day One by Man phoning trying to get on site to deliver toilets (I did remember to order them!) and I had to throw some clothes on and some water proofs and take delivery!

The marquee going up in the rain...so exciting... the start of it all. David and I had gone round the park early in the rain, checking our site plan, measuring and marking out with spray paint where everything had to go..I had guessed the position of the toilets earlier and they were a few feet out...didn't think it mattered until Anal Person pointed out the lights would now miss them..... doh...

Building our Outside Safe Store in the rain, with my two beautiful assistants, David and David..(so many Davids on site, whenever I yelled the name, at least four guys came running...never the right one of course.....) I even wielded a sledge hammer to put the stakes in..did I mention how much I enjoyed myself?

What a roller coaster.....

2008-07-06T22:30:00.002+01:00

Yes, a roller coaster, that describes the last few weeks. Thank you so much for those of you who have been there at the end of the phone when I have needed you. I am truly grateful, and hope you know I am always here to return the favour! I couldn't have got through it without you.

Friends....made in God's own image....if I don't say it often enough, you are lvoely...... thank you all of you for caring, if at a distance, you don't know how much you all mean to me.

However, I have survived, and part of surviving the past few weeks has been being very busy writing and delivering 7 training sessions for over 250 volunteers, preparing for the Festival we have been working for, over the last 18 months.

Against all odds, the training has been good, more than good, it has been well received, people have thanked us for it, said it was fun, informative and professional and excellent material well delivered. During my lowest moments, it has lifted my self esteem and self belief.

Now we are preparing to go to site, all the suppliers and contractors are booked, licence done, park booked, insurance sorted, risk assessments done..all that remains is for David and I to drive (well ok, David to drive) our caravan to site, and be ready for the marquee to arrive..and the fencing..and the portacabin, and the toilets (I did remember to order the toilets, didn't I?) and to put on our waterproofs and get stuck in.

I have designed every policy and procedure known to man (or woman) and have got my festival event file ready.

I will try and post some photos as we go along...it will be a historic event. Maybe the First and Last major gig for SAND Consulting!!!! After that, who knows...

Strange, weird, thoughtful, sad, reflective....

2008-06-19T23:22:00.003+01:00

A weird day. My dad died 3 years ago this week. This pic is of his 80th birthday, 4 months before he died, and a month after my mum died. In the photo, tying his balloon onto his chair, is my mum's younger sister, my aunty Jan. She had been ill for some time, and today I made another trip to Bristol for her funeral.

The sun shone, like it did three years ago, and I arrived early enough to visit my mum and dad and out some flowers in the holder above their plaque. Clive, James and Laura were with me, bless them, I love my children for wanting to be there and the tears they shed with me.

I hugged my uncle, and my cousins, and we held on tight, feeling that bond of knowing people we lvoed were gone for ever. Hopefully they are together.

Jan was so different from my mother: my poor mum who was anxious, depressed, miserable, resentful, self obsessed, even when her problems were relatively minor to Jan's, whose illness has been life threatening for some years. Jan, on the other hand, who was seriously ill, was cheerful, outgoing, funny, outrageous and was always laughing. She missed my mum so much, and she could make her laugh and cheer her up like no-one else. I have spoken to her often since mum died, and she has been a tower of strength and an example to me.

I visited her in hospital in March, on the same ward my mum had been on...and we laughed. She was so pleased to see me. I spoke to her on the phone about three weeks ago, she was back at home but waiting to go in for the operation from which she may not recover (she didn't) and..yes... we laughed, and talked, and shared...she was remarkable.

Funerals are weird things. One minute crying, the next minute talking to family you know well, being pleased to see them, sharing memories, eating, drinking, laughing, meeting relatives you didn't know you had, 'Oh, are you Betty's daughter? Lovely to meet you, I knew your mum years ago, she was lovely.' My cousin Mike, hugging me hard saying he knew he would cry when he saw me, (thanks Mike) saying I haven't changed in 40 years, the same old Sal and still lvoely (thanks Mike!) now his mum was gone he knew how I felt.

It's a party, a celebration, old photographs to look at, a time of intimacy and laughter..yet the person it's all for, the guest of honour is not there.

And you reflect on all the losses, all the sadness in your life, you take stock and look round, and think, Fuck me, I'm the older generation now, not the children any more, but the parents, my cousins grey and going bald..Fuck it's not long since we were children. And there are my two, looking gorgeous, 31 and 28..can it be???

I have just finished a book, last night, and the author was talking about mindfulness. Living truly in the present, inside your self, in the moment, fully aware of yourself and what you are doing. Then an e-mail came in from a guy I heard speak once, an inspirational guy, I signed up to his monthly bulletins. This morning the e-mail was on..mindfulness.. The importance of living in the present, not the past, full of regrets at what has not been, or in the future, living for what might be, but in the here and now. Then I looked at the rollecoaster blog, which I haven't for a few weeks..and guess what? She talked about mindfulness.

Mindfulness. Three times in less than 14 hours. I have reflected on that today, I was meant to read the words, hear the message. I am stuck in a world of looking at the past, worrying about the future, wanting what I cannot have, wanting more, missing today and the here and now of life because in my head I am always somewhere else.

I am going to think more about being mindful.. About my Aunty Jan who was her children's best friend, who cheered everyone up by her positive outlook and wonderful sense of humour.

I will miss her.

They're in!

2008-05-27T20:09:00.002+01:00

If you compare this picture of the kitchen with the one on the blog below, you will see a slight difference..Amy cooking us some lunch!! Yes, after six months of hard graft, they are in their flat...not totally finished... we spent a cold, wet, gale force winds Bank Holiday Monday in the flat while James and Clive did a few more jobs, Laa, Amy and me lounged about and watched 'The Sound of Music' on the TV..well, it had to be done, they had never seen it, and it's just a classic!! They also had to admit that despite trying, there was nothing else on worth watching....they tolerated my adoration for this classic childhood favourite..but when I joined in the songs..well you have to, don't you, James came and told me I was spoiling it for the other children, and would I please keep quiet.....why is, when the nun sings 'Climb Every Mountain..til you find your dream,' I had tears in my eyes, and the others are wetting themselves laughing at the corniness of it?? Oh, I forgot to mention, son in law Mec was there, and he had to suffer it too.... and I think, from the look on his face for the whole 3 hours, suffer was the word. he should have just thought of his Favourite Things.....

The best picture of all.....

2008-05-25T00:00:00.000+01:00

I am very proud of this picture. Taken with my iphone. A quick 'point and shoot' out of the train window. But I think the result is stunning....

Some more pics.....

2008-05-23T23:53:00.000+01:00

Oh, the visits to the wee craft shops and wee giftie shops..oh the temptations..all those we cuddly toys, but not a giraffe in sight.... mind you, these mugs were tempting.....

Has someone we know gone into business in the Scottish Highlands??

I saw these hand made Scottish plaques in one wee craft shop (not at all touristy...) and I nearly bought one each for some good friends..but decided to take pics instead and let you work out if tou might have been a recipient..and if so, which one???

So beautiful...so peaceful....

2008-05-21T23:43:00.000+01:00

We were lucky with the weather, I know. It was pouring with rain down south, but in Bonny Scotland, we were blessed with the odd cloudy moments, but not a drop of rain. Lots of clear blue skies, and gorgeous views across lochs and mountains...

Getting off the train at a wee country station...

The peace and stillness of a beautiful loch..if only I could have captured the complete silence that was there too...

This stunning sculpture to honour the Commandos, the elite force formed during the second world war, and who trained up in the highlands before seeing active service. It gave me the opportunity to ask a travelling companion, a gentleman aged 85, on holiday with his daughter, about the Commandos, and he was able to tell me their story. He reminded me a bit of my dad... but he was still getting about and seeing life....bless him...

Saturday night ceilidh...not....

2008-05-19T23:35:00.000+01:00

Joan announced that there would be a ceilidh in the hotel on Saturday night, after dinner, with a live band. Everyone was invited to dance. Oh...this should be interesting..would they manage without their sticks or zimmer frames? Well, I would give it a go..live Scottish music and a chance to dance a bit..I was up for it.

So we all gathered expectantly in the dining room after dinner, and there was the band.... and the music..well, how do I put this, they were more Jimmy Shand than Peatbog Faeries...very middle of the road, and everything sounded the same...not really ceilidh music.... suddenly people were up and dancing...now a waltz..then a quickstep..the older the couples, the more amazingly they skimmed across the dance floor. They were pros. Now Clive doesn't dance. And I am not waltzing alone. After watching appreciatively for a little while, we slipped out and sank into a sofa in the lounge with our books..honestly, us young people, we just don't know how to party....

Och aye, it's true....

2008-05-17T23:08:00.000+01:00

Yes, I admit it. Over five days and nights, I slept my way round Scotland. With more than 22 men. I admit it. In hotel rooms, on trains...and on a coach. Oh, and their wives were there too. Oh, 23 men, including the coach driver. What a tart I am.

You know I have trouble sleeping? While put me on an OAP train and coach tour of Scotland, in stunning sunshine, under blue skies, with the most amazing scenery in the world to look at...and magically, I sleep!!!

It was Clive's choice of holiday, I admit I was not that keen, and when I got off the plane at Edinburgh and got on the coach, the sea of elderly people complete with grey hair (if they had any) hearing aids and walking sticks, did nothing to inspire. I gave myself a good talking to for being ageist. I wouldn't dare complain, 'they were all black' or 'they were all disabled' would I? But I was aware I was showing a certain prejudice towards old age, and I hated myself for it. They were probably lovely people, just like me. (Well, maybe not like me.) But I just didn't feel ready for that kind of holiday. I suppose it made me look at my own advancing years, and I didn't want to. But to harp back for a moment at that infamous GB icebreaker where we all had to stand in a line in order of age, and I was at the wrong end of the line..well if we had done it in Scotland, I would have been at the right end. By a long way.

When Joan, or tour guide, piped up on the microphone, 'say hello to Harry, our driver,' in her cheery Scots voice and everyone went, 'hello Harry!' and laughed with glee, I sunk in my seat and thought, it's going to be a long five days.

But do you know....I enjoyed it. I relaxed, I slept (missed Loch Ness, apparently it's very pretty). But as Joan had tasked us with shouting out if we 'spotted Nessie' I was happy to pass on that one. What I enjoyed, for four days, having gone away with a bad cold, and feeling very, very tired, was not having to think. Or talk much. It was bliss. I was told when to come down for breakfast, when to get on the coach. I looked out at the scenery, in peaceful silence, or slept. Every hour and a half the coach would stop, and Joan would tell us to shop at the wee gift shop, have a cup of coffee and use the loos, and off I would go, obedient to the letter. Then we would stop at a railway station, I would be told to buy sandwiches, then get on the train and enjoy a couple of hours tootling through the highlands, lochs and fields, either looking out the window, obediently eating my sandwich..or sleeping a bit more.

I struggled to stay awake and look out of the window, but by day two I gave in and let myself sleep. The warm coach or train, the gentle movement, the scenery passing by, and having nothing to occupy my mind, was bliss. Back at the hotel we were told when to come down for dinner, ('Our coach party eats at 7pm, sorry it's so late, ' chirped Joan,) and even where to sit. After dinner, there was coffee in the lounge, and by about 9.15pm everyone had hobbled upstairs to bed, and we were left to curl up on a sofa and read our books. Bliss. I was asleep by about 9.30pm so then I turned in too.

Some pics, taken on my trusty iphone, capture some of the magic.... right, everybody back on the coach....

Doing my head in.....

2008-05-07T22:46:00.002+01:00

I never understood, really, the phrase, 'he (or she) is doing my head in', or 'he (or she) has really messed with my head', or 'I really need to sort my head out, man.' You get the picture. Because inside your head is private, you choose how you think, and you don't allow people to 'mess it up.' But boy, oh boy, do I understand it now. My head is very messed up. So messed it hurts inside. My thinking is manic, my trying to make sense of things makes me lurch wildly from one emotion to the other, one minute being ok, the next, really not ok.

How do you stop someone messing with your head? I know, I know, don't let them. Walk away. I'm trying.

I decided finally, a couple of weeks ago, to give HRT a go. To sort out the sleeping and the mood swings. The packet of tablets cost me £14.20: twice the prescription charge, because apparently there are two sorts of tablets in the box, two different colours, so you have to pay twice. I took out the thick booklet of possible side effects. Heart attack, high blood pressure, risk of stroke, breast cancer.....worth the risk to look and feel younger. But hang on...they may make me put on weight....add to certain problems I have which make me fatter....oh bugger that, I'm not putting on more weight. I wonder if I could sell them on e-bay?

So when I was in Boots on Saturday picking up my anti-depressants (not that I'm messed up or anything...) I mentioned to the nice young pharmacist (girlie, not a bloke) that I decided against HRT. She asked if I would consider taking a homeopathic remedy. Oh yes, I said. She asked my symptoms. For the not sleeping she found one kind of small white tablet. The she got out a homeopathic book and turned to the menopause page. There was a list of different symptoms. I read down to the one that described getting too hot, mood swings...being sensitive, vulnerable, needing constant reassurance and approval, tearful..ooh that's me, I said, I'll have the cure for that. So i got another phial of small white tablets and I've been taking them since Saturday.

Am I sleeping? No. Have I cried? Friday, yes. Saturday, quite happy and bouncy. Sunday ok. Monday, feeling a bit low. Tuesday, well, more tears. Anger. Wednesday, swearing. Wednesday evening, well, absolutely fine. Let's see what Thursday brings, shall we? I wonder if I could sell the little white tablets on e-bay?

Or as someone said to me today when I described my week of being happy one minute and wanting to top myself the next, as she was laughing, because of course, it's the way I tell it, she said I should write a book.... at least I could make some money out of having a messed up head.....

Oh well, I'll keep taking the anti-depressants. And just between you and me, at the end of the summer, after the festival season, I am making plans. I see travel ahead, a journey into the unknown. Alone. Watch this space. And I'll sell the anti-depressants on e-bay.....

They'll be in by Christmas.....

2008-05-05T22:42:00.002+01:00

Another Sunday spent up in London at James and Amy's flat, helping with the refurb...... they bought it at the beginning of last December, and thought they would be in by Christmas... then it was Easter... then it was definitely, definitely going to be this May Bank Holiday weekend... but no.

It has been a lot of work, but we are nearly there...I am a painting demon, also a great putter-together of Ikea furniture..... they have worked so hard, but been so unlucky with just about every tradesman letting them down, expected doors not delivered, then the wrong doors delivered, plumbers not turning up, crap tilers, and now the delay is the kitchen and bathroom wood work tops, 5 weeks they have been waiting, delivery promised last Monday, but now they say the carpenter made an error cutting it, so we are still waiting. No kitchen work top means no sink and no cooker hob, hence no moving in..

Still, it has been fun all working together, taking breaks, walking on Hampstead Heath, meals out at the end of a hard day, and seeing it all coming together..eventually... and since the toilet was installed last week, working has been more relaxed, without the regular runs to the heath public loos..sometimes I made it, sometimes I didn't....

What else has been happening?

2008-05-01T22:38:00.001+01:00

So what else have I been up to during the last couple of months when I was in blog silence???

1. Went to the cinema with V. saw The Bucket List with Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman. Very good, very funny, very moving. Recommend it.

2. Took on a new member of staff who started at the beginning of March. At last. We had to reorganise the office and put in another desk, now I have staff team of three. Much needed extra help.

3. Went to C's celebratory party in Bristol. It rained. But we partied, and ate, and shopped and had a ball.

4. Went to the cinema with R. Saw Juno. Loved it. Different. Loved the quirky music. I had a cappucino in the holder one side of me, and a carton of M&Ms (what else!) in the other. I sipped and dipped....and dipped and sipped...and engrossed in the film, made a mistake and instead of putting my hand in the pot of form shiny M&Ms, I felt unexpected warm froth instead, which scared me. I held up my frothy fingers and R had to get her hankie out and clean me up. See I still need a mum.....

5. Had my first pay cheque from SAND after meeting with the accountant. Feel I have earned it.....

6. Went to court and lost my licence. Suddenly my life-style is greener. I walk more. And it seems to be colder, and rain more, or is it my imagination???

7. Went to see Jethro Tull in concert. Brill evening. Old friends and new friends. me and three blokes. In my element. Had fun. Went to the pub after (had coffee....) offered to drive back..wasn't allowed.....

8. Went to GB Ops day..good to see old friends...good to get a few hugs in....

9.Went to see the musical 'Wicked' in London. Slept a lot. Don't bother. save your money.

10.Went to see Kate Rusby at the Cadogan Hall in London. Now that was a good evening....

Heading South....

2008-04-28T22:12:00.000+01:00

When the time came to leave Manchester, I was handed into the care of two R*dcl*ffe young people, with the instruction, get your auntie sally safely on to a train...as if I wasn't capable of catching a train on my own....we caught the local train into Manchester where I was talked to non -stop in between phone calls from mobiles to friends in Manchester, waiting to go shopping, saying they would be there 'as soon as they safely had their auntie sally on a train.'' Simple.

When we got to the station, there were no trains to London showing on the screens. Investigation proved that this was correct, due to a derailment near Watford, no trains were going into London. Typical. I turned to my two young friends who were both on their mobiles again saying they would be held up. You go and join your friends, I'll be fine. But no, they had to make sure I was on a train. Any train.

Having worked out I could connect to a London train by going elsewhere, a suitable train was located, leaving in 30 seconds, so I was ushered on, and waving madly, my young friends ran off to get down to some serious shopping.

I settled on my train, showing my ticket to the kind lady inspector and explaining my change of direction. I realised I didn't know what connecting train to get. I rang Stu and Karen, explained my dilemma and asked them to find me a connecting train...not into London, but somewhere near St Albans. Watford? Luton? What time does your train arrive, asks Stu, looking at his pc.

Oh, I don't know.. I call down the crowded carriage to the lady ticket inspector, sounding, I realise afterwards, southern and quite posh...' Excuse me, what time does the train arrive at Sheffield?' She turns round. 'We're not going to Sheffield, me duck, this train is going to Leeds.' There are a few guffaws around the carriage and a couple of ladies cluck sympathetically. 'Whatever, 'I say, 'I don't mind where.' This is greeted with more tittering and people look at me as if I'm mad.

I tell Stu my time of arrival in Leeds, and he tries to get me to Luton or Watford, but fails. I rack my brain....where can I go...I know!! The Leeds line goes to Stevenage. 'Get me to Stevenage!' I shout, aware that everyone in the carriage is listening with interest, wondering why I don't seem to care where I am going... 'Make up your mind,' says Stu, sounding exasperated. But I am right, I can catch a connection to Stevenage and be there by 5.40pm.. I only lsoe an hour or two.

DC, who was going to pick me up at Watford, had I gone straight from Manchester, and we were going to shop at Staples..is phoned by S and K, and instructed to meet me elsewhere.

When I am on the platform in Leeds I get a text from K. 'Has Paddington Patterson arrived yet?' 'Yes' I reply. I manage to get to my connecting train (God knows how without the help of my two assistants) and reach Stevenage at 5.40pm precisely. DC is late. It is cold and raining. Eventually he arrives and we speed to nearby Staples to do a large stationery shop in 10 minutes before it closes at 6pm.... of course when we reach the till, there are complications, we have spent more than our account card will allow, and they can't confirm by phone as the office is closed. So we offer to pay by credit card instead.

Would you believe that everything in our two trolleys has to be rescanned to be credited against our account card, then scanned again against our credit card? The staff all try and help the Saturday girl who is clearly overwhelmed by the whole process while DC and I try and be patient and accept our fate which seems a ludicrous way of going about things..aren't computers lvoely???

By 6.30pm we are surrounded by 6 fed up staff members who can't close the tills and lock up and go home until we do.

Safely in the car, I reflect it's been an interesting day. Manchester, Leeds, Sheffield, they're all the same to me. No, says DC, Sheffield is further south, you'd have been much quicker going there than Leeds. Really? Is it? My geography has never been very good. I could have sworn Sheffield was further north than Leeds. I get a withering look and a cuff round the head.

Then I was home, to be greeted by the husband and mother in law. It had been a good weekend.....

And another thing....

2008-04-27T23:04:00.003+01:00

When I told Stuart I had blogged, he rushed to read it, and then sent a message, phew, I thought you were going to dob me in.....no, Stuart, it was never my intention to write about how you took me out to lunch in Manchester, and then after we had left, and walked about half an hour in the pouring Manchester rain, you turned to me and said, 'Um, Sal, did you pay for the lunch?' 'Um, no Stuart, I thought you did.' 'No.' So back we walked through the pi**ing rain, back to the nice people in the pub, where I said, 'My friend, the vicar here, would like to apologise for leaving without paying....' and so Stuart paid up, and to our amusement, they hadn't batted an eyelid that we had left without paying, and were unimpressed we had returned...all very understated.....

But we had a good day, which included an interesting and enjoyable visit to an art gallery right in the centre..all made of glass...photos here, it's just the name that escapes me....oh yes, Urbis, it's bigger inside than it looks from the pics, and the lift goes diagonally, it's dead cool....

Oh I almost forgot....

2008-04-24T09:12:00.002+01:00

..three weeks ago I went to court in Stevenage for yet another speeding offence..yes I was driving at 39 miles an hour, I shouldn't be allowed on the road...well now I am not, I had my licence taken away for 6 months, so now not only does C cook and clean and shop, he also drives me everywhere. No independence at all! It's like going back to being a child...

All my friends and work colleagues (including the trustees who had a meeting an agreed not to dismiss me from my job) have been really supportive and have been giving me lifts to enable me to still do my job, go to meetings, visit families etc.

I have needed the lvoe and support. But not the people who look at me and say, 'Well, you could walk more, it would do you good and help you lose weight.' yes thank you, I know, I don't need you to point it out.

Oh well, C is ready to drive me into work, must dash!

Hello...I'm back!

2008-04-24T08:53:00.002+01:00

I am determined to do this...the longer I am away the harder it is to come back! It started by being busy...there was so much I wanted to blog about my trip to Manchester, then I didn't have time, so then all this stuff builds up in my head, and then I feel under pressure (self inflicted I know!) and I got busier, and not very well, and very tired, so each night, when it was my normal blog time, I couldn't be *rs*d!!!! As time went on, so much was going on for me, I just didn't know where to start, so this morning I determined just to log on and start writing!

Thank you to those that have missed me and occasionally texted or e-mailed to ask if I was ok. The answer is simply...I am both ok and not ok! The not ok stuff I just can't blog about, because it's too personal and anyway of I do I will just cry, and I have done enough of that...

I have been trying to take care of myself, see friends, read books, and in order to help my sleep problems have been trying not to go on the computer late at night...but that was over taken by having my iphoone under my pillow and checking the time on it dozens of time a night...then check e-mails, then read blogs (thank you Caroline for giving me something interesting to read about at 5am!!!)

At very very worst time a month or so ago, when 4am was the most lonely and hellish time on earth and I wasn't sure I could get through the night..(sounds dramatic but that is how I felt) I remembered my cousin was working in Dubai, which is 4 hours ahead..one night in desperation I texted, 'Are you there?' and he reply came back, 'Yes, I'm here for you.' It helped just to have a response even if we texted about the weather or work, it grounded me and kept me sane.

Although my iphone has helped me through the night, I read something on Sunday, an article entitled 'sleeping with the enemy' and it was about this very subject. Phones give off signals and radiation and this can keep you awake at night if you sleep with one! The article said, 'Do you wake up and check the time on your phone? Do you check e-mails at 2am? No wonder you can't sleep!'

The other thing is that I was lying awake waiting for text messages that didn't come, and then I would send abusive text messages, sometimes for hours, venting my anger and hurt and upset on someone that didn't respond! Not healthy!

So for the last two nights I have not texted anyone, turned my phone off and tried to sleep. How I have survived life and work in recent months on two hours sleep a night I don' know...not very well is the answer. But I am taking myself in hand (ooh..) and trying to change things and protect myself from hurt.

I have a few health problems which the doctor thinks are stress related - no!!! - and I have had blood tests and now face an unpleasant procedure to investigate stomach problems (that's the polite way of putting it) I know break polite rules by blogging about sex and death, but what about bowels???? ok, I'll take that as a no then.

Last week I had minor surgery at my doctor's and I so wanted to share it with you..I'll save it for next time..you just need to know that I had a 'traumatised mole' removed from under my right breast. Now I just need to know what pictures that conjures up in your minds....the GP couldn't understand why I doubled up laughing when he said the words......

So good to be back.. Hope you feel the same! xxx

View from the wheel!

2008-02-28T23:14:00.000Z

The second day's training was as good as the first: but the best bit was that, at 4pm when all the other delegates legged it for their trains, I just waved them off. I was doing what I always want to do after long days of training, that is, stay on at the hotel and relax.

Time on my own. Precious space. Away from everyone and everything. Just me. To do what I want. After two days cooped up in a basement training room, I longed to get out, get some fresh air and see Manchester, home of my studies at Manchester Poly School of Theatre, all those years ago.

I walked into the city, spotted familiar places, and places much changed and awesome. I went into H*bit*t and took some photos of furniture designed by their head of furniture design, a handsome talented chap called J*mes..... I told the very young very gay assistant that my son had designed them, and he practically had an orgasm on the spot and said he loved J's designs, stroked my arm and said how pleased he was to have met me. I made a young man very happy.

I went into M&S and bought a skirt. It's lovely. I will add it to the other 350 items in my wardrobe I will get into if I just lose a bit more weight.....

Then I turned a corner and saw it...the wheel!!! Oooh, how exciting! I paid my money and got into my very own capsule and went round 4 times, squeaking with excitement, feeling Piglet like, and took loads of photos and felt happy and free.

As it began to get dark, I decided to head back to the hotel before I got lost, mugged or a bit scared out on my own in the big city....I ordered dinner in the restaurant, watched TV in my room and then ran a very hot, deep, bubbly bath and lay and relaxed while my favourite music played on I tunes. Heaven.

Dinner in the restaurant (the Polish receptionist said I should book,) when I got there it was totally empty, I really was alone, so I ordered my meal from the very nice young Polish waiter (yum, I wonder what time he finishes....) and read my book while waiting.

Just to be really reckless and show I know how to live, I ordered their ice cream dessert and a pot of fresh coffee to be taken up to my room, and retired to sit in bed and watch Ashes to Ashes. The ice cream was good.....

Time to read my book, On Chesil Beach, alone in my big double bed (no change there then) and then lay down and sleep and dream of tomorrow, when my prince was coming to rescue me....

View from the 23rd floor....

2008-02-28T22:34:00.005Z

After a successful day's training, and dinner in the hotel, I was feeling really, really tired: weeks of not sleeping well was seriously catching up with me, and now all I wanted to do was sleep, it was only 10pm, but when colleagues headed for the bar, I decided that, feeling very full and not wanting a drink, I had best go to bed, especially as I had struggled not to nod off during the afternoon session.....

I went into the bar to say goodnight, feeling like a party pooper, but hey, at my age, I need my beauty sleep..I paused to say goodnight to one colleague I know quite well, and she too was deciding to opt for an early night. As we turned towards the lift, two of our group appeared, M and J, saying they were off to get a taxi to the H*lton, to visit the bar on the 23rd floor, where the view of the city was absolutely stunning. Come on they said, join us...no-one else wanted to go. S and I looked at each other...M was retiring very soon after 30 years with the organisation, this was a chance to say goodbye to her. Oh, you only live once, so I said yes, and next thing I am in a taxi speeding across the city to the tallest building and a posh cocktail bar.

Once in the hotel lobby, red carpet took us to the special lift that went directly to the 23rd floor. 'Evening ladies,' said the security guard, 'have you booked?' No, we hadn't. 'Never mind, go on up and enjoy yourselves.' We obviously didn't look like trouble.

We stepped out of the lift to be greeted by a smiling hostess, and taken across the bar to be seated by a floor to ceiling window and the best view of Manchester by night ever. I ordered a melon non alcoholic cocktail it was only £6 for a bit of lemon flavoured water with ice, but jolly nice.

As I walked across the bar, my eyes got used to the dim lighting, and I saw groups of extremely attractive, extremely well turned out young men. And groups of young women, scantily dressed, and making several trips to the ladies to show off their bling and try and pull.... well, as several pairs of eyes watched our progress across the floor to our table, I never felt so old, and overdressed in my long skirt and marks and spencer's cardie......'Do you think we'll pull? asked the youngest in our group of four. 'You might,' I said, 'But I don't stand a chance in hell.....' I probably reminded them of their grandma!!!

But we had a giggle, a cocktail each and a girly chat, we took photos, and as we left and called a taxi back to our hotel, I was stupidly pleased I had gone, and not vanished to my bedroom ten seconds earlier, and missed a real laugh.....the photos are not the best quality ......

Off oop north chuck....

2008-02-27T22:14:00.000Z

After two hectic days at work, I came home, packed a bag and headed off to catch the train to sunny Manchester, (no sarcasm intended) for a two day training course, staying in what turned out to be a very comfortable hotel in the town centre. I had an executive room. Two double beds. All to myself. Oh well, you can't have everything.....

I arrived too late to eat (train delay..problems with the brakes at Tamworth..the train suddenly plunged into darkness, the air conditioning fell silent and we were all silent in the carriage, lit eerily only by various laptop screens on most tables..I was reading a book at the time, and gave up...there was a resigned calm amongst the passengers. Those with battery powered laptops carried on working. After a few minutes the train sprung into life, lights on, air con on, the train at last started to move. One wag looked up from his laptop and said to nobody in particular, 'Well they turned the train off and on again, that seems to have fixed it.' There were a few laughs before the carriage once again fell silent, and I smiled at the understated Britishness of it, and the shared humour, as I once again picked up my book.) so I ordered a pot of fresh coffee to be delivered to my room, as I settled down for the night.

About an hour after going to sleep, I was awoken by someone bumping into the bed. The bed had jolted, but I realised no-one else was in the room, so what...the bed jolted again, and I looked at the headboard fastened to the wall behind me. No doubt on the other side there was another headboard, and another bed....and oh no, did the vibrating of my bed indicated that the occupants next door were in the throes of passion? Oh no, please...(I have witnessed that sort of thing through hotel walls before...) I really didn't need it. Well, I did, but didn't want to hear anyone else doing it, thank you. I buried my head under my duvet, said 'Laa laa laa' a lot loudly, and went back to sleep.

In the morning when I went down for breakfast, I overheard people talking about an earthquake. Oh dear, I thought...Bangladesh? Sri Lanka? Where? I toddled down to the conference room to meet the other delegates, one of whom had travelled down from York, and she was describing her windows rattling. Why, what happened? I asked. Haven't you heard, she said, England was struck by an earthquake last night. Oh no, I said, I hadn't heard. yes, about 1am. Lots of people felt it. Did you? No, I said, nothing. Oh....and then it dawned on me....the earth really had moved for me!!!!!

The Gig was Good...

2008-02-25T22:38:00.001Z

The gig that I worked so hard to make happen..it was only going to happen on the night if DC and I did the sound and lighting. So it was that I was up and out at 8am on Saturday morning, to give DC a lift to hire the van needed for all the gear..so that he could go to his church PCC away day, for the morning at least, before we met at 12.30pm to pack the van..God forbid he should have an empty minute in his day....

He had used the gig as an excuse/good reason to buy some new kit, so before packing the van I was introduced to the new lighting desk, cables, controls and lighting stands. I was given a quick lesson in how it all went together and how the board worked..yes, stand back in amazement, he had read the manual!!!!

Then all our sound and lighting equipment was loaded into the van, and we were off to Ch*lmsf*rd, at 3pm, later than we wanted to be, but why change the habit of a lifetime. I had made us a flask of coffee, and bought a van picnic, which was all consumed by the time we got to the church.

Fortunately my pleas for assistance had been heeded, and a small group of volunteers was waiting to help us unload and do the get-in. I got a keen 15 year old girl as my assistant, and she helped me put the lights up, plug in all the cables, extensions, beta packs, lighting desk, and lo and behold, an hour later, we had lights that worked. I hopped up and down the step ladder putting in coloured gels and focusing, while DC and his team got the sound system working, and what a miracle, we were ready and waiting for the artists to sound check at 5.30pm. Another helper was dispatched to buy pizza for them. so everyone was happy.

We also managed to turn the downstairs area lobby of the church into a cool, intimate venue: instead of having 30 people sat in church made for 200, feeling dry, we put cafe tables out, flowers, and the candles I had bought, we were able to serve wine too, so it was a lvoely night with good music from Boo and Andy, we enjoyed it, and I even went on stage to introduce the acts and plug the festival!!!

Our team of volunteers helped with the get-out, which meant we were on our way home again in the van by 11.15pm..tired but happy..doing one of the jobs we love best..crewing a gig together, being a good team. Just before hitting home, we pulled into a layby for a while...yes, the temptation got the better of us...I'll admit it..DC tucked into a Gingsters pasty (yuck) and a bottle of water, while I made do with a plain chocolate Bounty (yum) as I had eaten the slices of pizza left by the artists!!!

So, courtesy of my i-phone (sorry) here are some pics of the gig.....

The truth and nothing but the truth.....

2008-02-24T08:12:00.001Z

The comments on my last blog entry ask what the reaction was to my 'shocking' statement, and if it was true. Cos if it wasn't true, I shouldn't have said it. Ok, the truth.....it is true, I did say it. But not loudly enough for the whole group to hear, only a colleague I know quite well (she does the same job as me in the next district), she is as mad as a hatter, brings out the worst in me and does me good cos she enables me to be outrageous and have a laugh....I wouldn't have made that comment to many people, but it was worth it to get a reaction..she wasn't shocked (nil points) but she did laugh and almost choke (dix points)

Cos you see, what is more important to me than the truth is making someone laugh. My role on this planet, making people laugh. Later on, over coffee and a pain au chocolat in the new St Pancras station, and we started talking about men, and relationships (as you do) and the lvoely K texted me about my forthcoming trip to Manchester, and how the lvoely S was going to take me shopping on his day off, I told my colleague I would be spending the day shopping with a vicar, she said, 'I went to a wedding once and ended up sleeping with the vicar,' (you can see why I like her).

During the conversation, and we got on to the subject of how difficult men were, and how women were so much easier, I managed to get to the line 'Well, come on, we've all thought about it..' (Only Liz and Caroline will get this...) well, her mouth fell open and for a minute she looked at me, speechless. Bingo!!!! Yes, I shocked her..oh how we laughed.....

After we went our separate ways to get our trains home, I was walking to my platform to St Alb*ns, and I passed the Euro star sign saying This Way for Eurostar to Paris and Brussels.... I paused. I looked. Boy, was I tempted. Just up the escalator and on to the train......and gone. Is this how people disappear...a moment of madness....then freedom.

I was going for it. Then it dawned on me..I didn't have my passport. Oh well, I'll just go home for my tea.

New Year resolution... a bit late....

2008-02-21T23:50:00.002Z

I am determined to be stronger. I am determined to cry less and laugh more. I am determined to be me...really me.... a strange thing happened on Tuesday, I had spent a lot of time before and after Christmas booking artists for a gig in Ch*lmsf*rd in February, it was all sorted, but I was not responsible for the publicity, so I backed off. Then on Monday night at the meeting I was told we had not sold enough tickets and to cancel it. I was very disappointed to say the least.

So, Tuesday morning I rang the artists and left messages saying it was cancelled. Then I started to get e-mails and phone calls expressing doubt on the decision. I tried to deal with all this as well as work, and at the end of the day asked a certain co-director to take some of the work load as I had an emergency CP issue to deal with..unknown to me he wandered off to have a cup of tea when I thought we were in the middle of a laptop messaging conversation so didn't read my request..I ended up stressed and emotional and feeling unsupported, he was going to a church meeting so I went home late and then made several phone calls to deal with this.

The point is I was tired, depressed, defeated, fed up, it's four days until the concert I had worked so hard to organise, one minute it was cancelled, then was it? And there were all these calls and discussions which, quite frankly, I didn't need. Then something amazing happened. I suddenly wanted this concert to happen. I was going to make it happen. I sat down and fired off an e-mail to the committee, making a decision it would go ahead, organising certain things, telling people what to do in the four days we have, then having e-mailed it, realise it wasn't my decision to make. We (DC and I) work for them, they are our clients. I shouldn't fire off raging e-mails telling them what to do.

But I was suddenly fired up, full of energy, determined, focused. Instead of crying or sending whingeing texts I texted DC, 'The concert is happening, i will make it happen, I won't let go of this, I will show them!' Dc replied saying 'That's more like it!'

The response I got was positive, people reacted to my e-mail, people are jumping to it, things are happening, the gig is on. And I so relished the feeling of energy and purpose, a feeling I have lost of late, I have determined to hang on to it. I am strong, I don't need anyone else to affirm me, I am quite capable. I know my strengths and qualities. I will Be Myself. Perhaps God is with me after all....

However, when I was in London today, on T*nd*ring and Procur*m*nt training, and we were in groups discussing what out USPs were and how we could offer what funders really want, what are we good at, I probably shouldn't have said I give an amazing bl*w j*b, but the words were out of my mouth before you could say.....swallow.....

Good things...and bad things....

2008-02-19T23:13:00.000Z

First the bad... not having an especially good time at the moment..can't tell you the number of times I have completely 'lost it' recently..it really is not good for my health... I can't really blog about what is going on, but life is tough, and I really, really, would appreciate prayers and thoughts and hugs as I continue to struggle with a lot of painful issues.... I have some good friends here who are great listeners and supporters, and I am very lucky. Blessed. Unfortunately, my brain has got into a cycle of focusing on the negative, and doing too much thinking and analysing, and the crying... the endless sobbing..ridiculous... I really know the meaning of the phrase 'my brain hurts', especially when it won't let me sleep and I am awake hour after hour... some nights I simply put the light on and read.....

Anyway, it partly explains the lack of blogging still.... I have had no head space to communicate with....

But there are good things too.... before Christmas we interviewed for a new member of staff but didn't apppoint... well we interviewed again in January, and this time we were successful! So I have another part-time staff member starting in March, she seems very nice and I'm sure she will fit in to our small team - now numbering four - and help with the workload. We are now supporting more families than ever, about 45, which means 45 volunteers to manage, more in training, more referrals than ever, Child Protection issues to deal with, not to mention completely reorganising the office to fit in another desk! More staff to manage (I know only one, but there are only so many hours ina day!) more funding bids to write, more meetings to attend...on good days when I am on form I love my job, thank God for it, thank God for keeping busy.....

I am saying Thank God, but I still feel very separate from Him, and very alone, I really don't know how to re-engage. I wanted to go to church on Sunday, but wasn't sure how to after all this time! I will go this week though...that's the plan...

Went to the cinema with a friend, V, on Saturday (she was my bereavement counsellor, turns out after listening to me talk and cry for a year, she quite likes me....) and we saw The Bucket List with Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman... I thought it was excellent..made us laugh..but was moving too..worth it just to see the two actors working together..a gem...and makes you think..life's too short, and all that....

Well, I have blogged. I have connected. Time to try and sleep!

Sunshine doggie walks......

2008-02-17T23:02:00.000Z

You would never think it was February..it was a warm afternoon, real warm sunshine, buds beginning to appear, birdies chirping....Sophie and I had a lvoely time.....

Arts and Literature..catch up....

2008-02-06T23:08:00.001Z

What have I been doing, if not blogging? To be honest, I have tried to wean myself of this slight addiction..perhaps too successfully...instead I have been:

1. Reading: It started with Rosemarie giving me PS I Love You for Christmas: it was the perfect Christmas holiday read, and being the sad romantic that I am, I lvoed it. So I looked forward to a girly evening at the pictures with Rosemarie and Laura, we all wanted to see it. And what a naff, American apology for a film it was. Awful. Read the book by all means, if you like easy read, weepy, romantic literature, but so yourself a favour, forget the film. I have tried.....

What did I read next? Several things...nothing special or stretching for the intellect, but they do for me. Just finished 'Leaving Liverpool' by Maureen Lee. One of those war time Liverpudlian novels of love and determination overcoming poverty and hardship..oh, you know.....takes me back to me roots..... except me weren't poor, we had a garden and an inside toilet....

2. Crosswords and Soduko.

3. Gigs. Well, the Annual fairport Convention gig at the Alban Arena..... excellent. Simon Nicholls sang 'Who knows where the time goes,' one of the most beautiful songs ever written, by Sandy Denny, when she was just 20 years old - amazing lyrics - I sat, entranced, lost in the beautiful words and melody, and after turned to Clive, who had offered to come with me, as a gesture, I think, my eyes shining, 'Isn't that the most beautiful song?' There he was, arms folded, face closed, saying, 'It's ok, not one of my favourites.' he shrugged. Oh well.....

4. Watching TV. Larks Rise to Candleford. Wonderful Sunday evening sofa TV!!!

For further adventures of Sally....well, coming soon..I have been quite busy actually..thank you to those who have passed this way and left a hug and a hello!!!!

Struggling....

2008-02-01T09:15:00.000Z

No other word for it..I am struggling with the new regime. C has been semi-retired and working from home now since October/November. This is a change after 30 years of working long days, plus Saturday mornings..so altho I work full time I also had time to myself. There was a pattern. I also did most of the shopping, cooking, cleaning (tho not much of that!) etc etc. Suddenly C has taken over it all, and while it sounds lvoely that I don't have to shop or cook or even think about it, the role I have always had has gone.

To be honest I feel like a lodger in my own home. I have only cooked two or three meals in my new kitchen over the last three months...I don't know what is in the cupboards or fridge cos I am not buying it, and C even decided what went where in the new food cupboards and I came home one day to find every shelf labelled with yellow dymo tape and neatly printed..'sauces' 'tins' 'vegetables'...'cereals'...which was scary..who labels their shelves???

Now you would think if I am feeling like this and so unhappy, that we would have sat down and talked about it, but no, not us....it all came to a head the other weekend with the bathroom incident..C cleaned and tidied the bathroom, and there is always a hint that it has been cleaned properly for the first time in its life, which isn't true, and I take it personally, especially as all my little bottles of shampoo, conditioner, bath oil, etc etc had been removed and put in a box on my bed, so the bathroom could be tidy for once....

Instead of being appreciative of the hard work, of course I sulked and was cross, and indicated that he could put all my belongings in boxes and I would just move out....when I got back from my volunteers' dinner that night I went into the bathroom to find it trashed....stuff everywhere, all my stuff back and more, all over the floor...it was a sign that he was Very Upset and Very Angry. I hate all that, am scared of people's anger, and next morning go down and apologise but end up in tears trying to explain how I feel....

I tidy the bathroom and put my little bottles back where I like them. Not a word has been said since, but when I opened a kitchen cupboard a few days later, I realised the shelf labels had gone. I never mentioned them, but perhaps saying I felt he had taken over and I felt like a visitor in my own home had done the trick....

Sophie update....

2008-01-31T07:55:00.000Z

Sophie doglet was 15 at Christmas..that's old for a lil doggie. She has arthritis and kidney failure but is on suitable diet and doing pretty well considering. She sleeps a lot but still can bounce and run on good days.

However, she has been a bir poorly recently, and I was worried about her over Christmas, something wasn't right, she wasn't herself, so Laa and I took her to the vet. She is supposed to have low protein special renal food which I buy from the vet, but I had discovered that C, who now shops and generally runs the house, hadn't bothered, but had bought her puppy food from M*rris*ns instead (loud groaning from Merlin at this point , as One Who Knows...) and when I told the vet he told us he couldn't be feeding her on anythign worse, as puppy food is high in protein which was doing her no good at all, and no wonder she was feeling rotten.

I left it to Laa to tell her dad he was killing the dog, as he takes no notice of me, and we took home a crate of proper food. Subseqently she got a lot better, but since Christmas has also suffered two minor strokes and other symptoms of her kidney failure which meant another trip to the vet and four different medicines! I got very adept at squirting syringes of medicine into her mouth!

She is doing ok, still loving her (short) walks and being bouncy quite often, and still sleeping in my bedroom and looking cute in her doggy bed.....the medication meant that she stopped that awful wretching that was waking me up at all hours.

Question..what is worse than hearing a doggie, sleeping at the foot of your bed, bringing up her breakfast on the carpet? Answer..the sound of her eating it again a few minutes later....

What goes through their little heads? Oooh..I'm a bit peckish, oh, there's my breakfast again, I think I'll have it a second time, what luck.....

Famous last words.....

2008-01-13T11:45:00.000Z

Why do I do it? Why do I blog that 'I am doing really well, haven't cried in weeks, am really stable....the very next day, wham, something happens to completely undo all that, pulls the rug out from under me, and I spend two days crying more tears than a river..and I can't stop....it seems like there is a well of either sadness or anger deep inside, and once I let the lid off, it feels like I will completely lose it..this time it wasn't the anger, so no objects were thrown, no-one got hurt, but the hurt and sadness in me...well.....no words.....

I have managed to contain it all somehow, but it wasn't how I wanted to start 2008!!! There are so many complex issues involved, not going into it all here, but still, I am somehow holding it all together for now.....

Work is mixed, we have had some unexpected donations, including one for £10,000 which we take all year to raise and lots of hard work! We have also been put forward for an award, which has meant some interviews with an assessment panel, it was fun, and I think we did well, we won't know until June. We are also going to take part in a Sp**d Volunt**ring evening, a bit like sp**d dating but you recruit volunteers rather than a partner. The local paper is doing some publicity for us next week, and I am really, really busy, visiting families and starting a new volunteers' training course, being busy does help!

And it was someone's birthday this week..someone who is gadget boy..and I found the most wonderful present!!!!!:

Yes, it is a 5 in 1 tape measure, with a calculator, pen, and...yes, post it notes!!! Oh, that's only 4 things..oh well, I expect it has a light, or does the hoovering or something, but I thought it was perfect.....

Still miss you.....

2008-01-05T23:11:00.000Z

Three years today..doesn't seem possible. But it does get easier. The third Christmas and New Year without them...it was ok, I felt at peace. I enjoyed having my family around me. I enjoyed being busy and looking after people. I haven't cried or got upset in over two weeks! (Oh well, a little weep today, but that's to be expected....) I even entertained more this year, had various friends to dinner.. went to the neighbour's drinks party and had fun... and I have also really enjoyed having time and space... I had time away from the laptop, and from blogging, and enjoyed time curled up on the sofa, by the fire, sitting by the tree, watching TV or reading... the opportunity to stay in bed until 10am reading my book.... Rosemarie bought me PS..I lvoe you... which was wonderful soppy Christmas reading... just right.

It maybe that the anti-depressants have kicked in and I am calmer and more stable and happier. That's either a good thing - I am much, much better - or it's a bad thing cos I am relying on medication to help me cope, instead of dealing with stuff. But hey, who cares.....

Well time for bed...I marked thinking about my mum by buying her a lvoely bunch of red tulips, but also by cleaning and tidying my bedroom...she would be proud of me..or tell me off for letting it get that bad! Now a freshly made bed, and hoovered, tidied and dusted bedroom awaits me, along with another book...lovely...night!!!

Happy Christmas.....

2007-12-26T23:01:00.000Z

Well, Christmas morning, I joined Clive and his mum and became one of those awful people who are only seen in church on Christmas morning. Some people were friendly, some ignored me...I was slightly distracted as we were supposed to be meeting C's brother and partner there, and they didn't show up..I did an 'Are you ok?' text during the first carol and got no reply which worried me. Then at the end of the service a text that said, 'We are fine..but at the wrong church...' having mistakenly wandered into the wrong church and been 'warmly welcomed' they realised half way in it was the Wrong Church, but felt they could hardly tiptoe back out. They told the vicar afterwards they didn't mean to be at the C of E at all, but at the Baptist across the road, and he was greatly amused....

Back at the house, with Laa and Mec arriving, there were 8 of us for lunch, and it was all very jolly. Except for the stress of trying to get everything ready at once, keep it all hot, make gravy at the last minute, while C was trying to do his mixed green leaves the Jamie Oliver method, and was getting in my way..'It just has to boil for 2 mins' he said, throwing various cabbage leaves into a saucepan. Then, once drained, with me trying to serve lunch to the hungry hordes, he announces the leaves have to be dried and then fried in the special butter he made yesterday...he was laying cabbage leaves on trays and putting them in the garden to dry and cool....the children were making faces and all saying they didn't want to eat cabbage anyway, I was hissing, You will, your dad is going to a lot of trouble.., at last a pot of boiled/cooled/dried cabbage assortment was served.. it was when he said there were chopped anchovies in the herb butter that he lost everyone, I think...

The afternoon was spent as Christmas afternoons should be, sitting in front of a log fire, opening parcels, eating chocolate and not moving much...followed by a wicked game of Monopoly with the new game where St Albans features instead of Mayfair...James and Grandma won, me and Laura just giggled helplessly a lot....

A friend texted and asked if Father Christmas had bought peace, harmony, clothes and chocolate. I replied, no, just chocolate, so that's all right....

Christmas Eve....

2007-12-24T23:55:00.000Z

Sunday was relaxed and spent getting bedrooms finished, beds made, and I marzipanned and iced my cake, as well as making more mince pies and some short bread to boot. or to eat, actually....

I felt so relaxed, I even invited J and P over for tea, so we had a good reason to sit and relax with friends and begin to feel Christmassy. I do love entertaining, and at last feel in the mood for being sociable.....

Clive and I were lucky enough to be given tickets for the candlelit carol concert in the Abbey that evening..the Abbey was packed, the singing by the choir just wonderful, and it was a joy to be there. We were all given candles to hold, and then all the lights go out, so we all sing by candlelight, which is just beautiful. I am so tired, you know by now that I can't keep awake at any event when I get the chance to sit down, now I know I can sleep sitting up and hold a lit candle upright at the same time....

The service is two hours long, we haven't eaten, but I have left a joint of beef in the oven...by 10pm, a roast dinner is more than welcome..the it's time for wrapping some presents and going to bed..for tomorrow is Christmas Eve, one of my favourite days of the year....

C goes off early to do some jobs and fetch his mother, I go off early to a nearby farm shop and buy all the vegetables..it is wonderfully calm and a joy to shop, and I bring joy to their day by wearing a pair of flashing Christmas earrings..I have several pairs to choose from.....

When home, I manage to do final bed changing and put small tasteful flashing Christmas trees in each bedroom. The it is time for a coffee and a mince pie, and my flashing earrings are joined by DC wearing his Father Christmas hat, delivering presents. When we are joined by Laura, who has been let out of work early, she accepts without blinking, her mother, complete with large flashing angels on her ears, entertaining Father Christmas to coffee..well, she would, wouldn't she?

By the time James arrives home, and C gets back with the mother in law, Laa is chatting to me in the kitchen while I make a large pot of leek and potato soup for our lunch....I feel so domestic and calm it is frightening.

I then sit and chat during the afternoon, thinking this is the most relaxing Christmas Eve I have ever known! We have to drag ourselves away from the fire at 7pm to go to friends for drinks...having read K's blog, about her family gathering to sing and play carols together, that would be my idea of heaven, but my family wouldn't join in, sadly....

C spends most of the evening in the kitchen, doing special Jamie Olive things with veg and turkey, it keeps him busy and me and m-in-law just relax and watch TV. Then it's time for bed, and I try to contain my excitement about the Big Day..

Getting ready.....

2007-12-22T23:05:00.000Z

Spent Saturday morning in town with DC doing final bits of Christmas shopping. Liz mentions Christmas tat...well you name it, he buys it. We always have to have a moving singing creature of some description, and this year we find a sweet Christmas mouse which sings 'We wish you a Merry Christmas' in a little mousy voice...we take it back to the SAND office (the Sandpit) and also decorate the little tree bought specially...well, we decorate the second, slightly bigger tree bought to replace the 'too small one' and I am given that to take home for my new kitchen:

I also manage to hang chocolate decorations on the office tree without eating too many..then depart to do my 'big' supermarket shop for the festive season..early Saturday evening proves to be a good time, it is unhurried and successful, and I go home to do some work preparing bedrooms for the visitors, and even feel inspired to make some mince pies. Oh, I am so organised! What was all that stress about????

TGIF....I need a break!

2007-12-21T23:23:00.000Z

My blog silence since 10th Dec is only very slightly due to malfunction of brain, nervous system and near emotional collapse: I do get overwrought with life occasionally, dramatically, but hide it well from most of the rest of the world, and then am over it fairly quickly. I am hoping the anti-depressants will kick in soon, and help restore a balance: at least they would if I remembered to take them...

No, the real blog silence is due to me being busier than ever, I have never known a couple of weeks like it at work, so many visits, the 11 newly trained volunteers needing visiting and matching with families, families to be visited, training to attend, conferences, workshops, meetings, and evening stuff, speaking at an AGM, Management Committee, Festival meetings, fundraising events, end of year accounts, and advertising and recruiting, shortlisting (that took another evening, reading through 33 application forms and short listing 7) interviewing all 7, the recalling 2 for second interview, and deciding not to appoint, so I have to do it all again in January..

A grants panel meeting, do you remember me saying a few weeks ago how I was writing a really difficult funding bid? Well, I got the money! Three years funding! Yippee!

On Sunday DC and I did our usual lighting for a local church carol service: it's good fun, all the lights work, I got to be creative with the lighting, and we lvoe attending this service together, it's a Christmas tradition....

Last Friday whilst trying to get everything done, making time to get round to DCs to work on papers for the Ch*lsmsford meeting on Monday, before heading off to meet Laa for Christmas shopping (much needed, panic setting in) my mobile went and it was Clvie, not feeling well and panicking he was having a heart attack..I dropped everything and drove home, phoning the doctor on the way, then phoning Clvie to keep him talking....got him up to the surgery for tests, but he's ok, however it is a recurrence of a trapped nerve thing in his neck which had him in hospital on traction for two weeks, several years ago... so he is laid low and in pain...

I empathised with Caroline, talking about things kicking off, at 4pm yesterday when i was hoping to get away, the phone rings, and a volunteer says, 'I'm really worried about the family I'm visiting...' however, the gods are on my side cos when I ring someone else to pass it on, they are not only there but say they will deal with it. Great.

Went to review a family, and talked for ages to a young mum with more problems than you could imagine..well you probably could..not going to be a good Christmas for her, on her own with two children, no support, no money...when I left she gave me a box of chocolates for all I have done for her..well I cried all the way back to the office....

Went to a networking Christmas drinks do yesterday, accepted a glass of warm punch, or mulled wine, whatever it was, it was very nice, but when I was standing talking to the Chief Exec of the Council, I realised the room was going round a bit and I thought I might fall over. Should I lean on the Chief Exec for support, or the wall? I decide the wall, and lean on it, smiling, and ask if the punch is quite alcoholic. Oh yes, they say. I haven't eaten..I decide I have to risk moving to the table with sausage rolls on, to help recover and be able to walk up the road back to my office. It takes a while...I really haven't got the hang of this drinking lark...

Sometimes your heart just lifts with the goodness and kindness of people. Unexpected kindness. And when Evil Twins send lvoely cards saying lvoely things and wishing me peace and happiness...well, I am taken in, I fall for it, and it makes me feel all warm inside.....Joy to the World....

And to share, a festive picture, of presents under the tree..and can you see a present which is fast asleep..on her 15th birthday no less?????

St Agnes Fountain

2007-12-10T23:09:00.000Z

Last year, my cousin introduced me to this band, St Agnes Fountain, and I lvoed them instantly. Hearing them live at Hitchin folk club, and having their CDs to play added a new dimension to my Christmas music collection, and I booked to see them again as soon as tickets were available. This band only gets together for December each year, and tours for the whole month with its individual take on old Christmas classics.

I bought a CD for D last year, and knew he would lvoe to hear them live, so as an early Christ,as present I treated him and H to tickets for this year's Hitchin gig. So, last night, I drove D and H and Clive, to the pub where we had a lovely meal and drinks - some had hot mulled wine - not me, I was driving! and then joined the throng to hear the wonderful seasonal music of St Agnes Fountain. It was magic. A wonderful way to get into the Christmas spirit.

It was good to see C there, with her two daughters. We shared a hug or two.

D and H had never seen the band live. I think they lvoed them as much as I did. I hope they appreciated their early Christmas gift.

Apart from the music, was it a successful evening? Well, as they say, nobody died.

And even more predictable....

2007-12-09T10:32:00.000Z

You know, I get angry, but I never bear a grudge. We are taught to forgive, and life's too short etc etc..it was always the plan this week that D and I would do some Christmas shopping this Saturday..so after the meeting on Friday was over, and we sat at my dining room table having a cup of tea, he asked if I still wanted to go shopping, cos he wanted to, and I said yes. Because I forgive him his lateness, and he forgives me (amazingly) the terrible things I said to him.

And let's face it, it's two weeks before Christmas, the shopping needs to get done, and we both shop together terribly well. Actually it was raining so so hard we had a long coffee indoors before setting out, and then it was lunchtime and time to meet Laura and treat her to a 'leaving GB starting a new job' lunch, which we did for quite a long time..it was good to catch up and chat and it was fun..then D went off to Christmas shop, and Laa and I did girly shopping, which meant I watched her try on gorgeous clothes, and treated her to a pair of black trousers for her new job.

Later on I joined D in Woolworths, he had several bags of shopping and was doing well, I had only bought a diary for next year. As we were choosing stocking fillers, I suddenly said, 'Back in a minute, wait here,' to D, and ran up the street to BHs and their ladies loo....it dawned on me that for someone who has been told to avoid dairy and wheat in her diet, spaghetti carbonara followed by a cappucino probably wasn't the best choice of lunch, and now it was taking horrible revenge on my stomach. It was not funny. I returned 15 mins later to find D had managed more shopping, and so I helped to carry some bags.

We walked across town to Wilkinsons to buy a little tree and decorations for our office, the Sandpit, (a swedish wooden cabin up the top of D's garden) and a few naff Christmas ornaments crept into the basket. Just as we were trying to manage the tree and all the bags towards the till, I was once again overcome with an urgent desire to find a loo. 'Wait here,' I cried, running from the shop and legging it up two flights of stairs to the loos by the public library. Only just made it...oh it could only happen to me..I was gone a long time..when I returned, looking pale and feeling extremely wobbly, D was standing outside the shop surrounded by bags and waiting patiently in the damp, cold air. Oh, what fun, and how embarrassing...

We decided it was time for me to go home...and when dividing the shopping I realised I had been out of the house from 10am until almost 6pm, with one diary, an oven glove and one Christmas present to show for it. Not a good start.

I opened the front door, explained about the long lunch, clothes shopping with Laura and not feeling well. Clive by now wanted to go out shopping, and I had mentioned a nearby centre whose shops opened late. 'We could go now,' he said. Given the state of my stomach, and the fact that I am full of cold (forgot to mention that) I think it says a lot for my stamina and my desire to please that I said, 'Yes of course,' and managed another two hours of shopping in M&S and Borders, until I collapsed on the sofa at 9pm with a cup of tea.....

And I thought, in the middle of the night, having had the discussion with D about our professional responsibilities, and how I handle stuff in the business when he is not around (ie late) and he handles stuff I haven't got around to doing (he is going to do some work on Monday I haven't done yet, but I have been busy...) and how D says we are equals and partners and should be professional and not let personal feelings affect the business..well, I agree, I did run the meeting with our clients on that basis, I was extremely professional..well, in the light of Shaun's comment that D should have a pay cut for every time he is late....it dawned on me, do you think I should mention it's time I was put on the payroll? That being tossed the occasional iphone, like a dog biscuit, isn't really enough?

So predictable...

2007-12-07T22:53:00.000Z

..but I don't see it coming. Ever the optimist. Always hope for the best..mostly disappointed. He promised to leave by 10am, and ring me when he was on the road. I didn't hear. I waited. I rang. Voicemail. I texted. No reply. I rang again. Nothing.

At a quarter to one he rang to say he was on his way. Left NY at just gone 12 noon...and we were supposed to be meeting at 2pm..well, I flipped. I lost it. Good job I was in the office on my own. I shouted. I shouted loud. I swore. I put the phone down. I cried. He said he had said he would be back at 2.30pm, not 2pm (not true). I rang back and said he could have the meeting without me. I swore more and said some vicious things. I resigned again. He said he didn't remember saying he would leave by 10am. He did.

I tried to work. I cried some more. Then he rang and said there were delays on the motorway. Oh what a surprise. I knew what I had to do. Knew from the start what I would have to do..ring our clients who were on their way to meet us, and change the meeting to my house, and start it without him. Otherwise we would let them down.

I went home, tried to calm down. Made tea. Greeted our two clients promptly at 3pm, and ran the meeting. He turned up at 4.30pm. Yes, 4.30pm.

The thing is, why do I get upset? Why do I get angry? Why do I cry, shout and swear and make myself ill? Why can't I shrug my shoulders, say, oh well, he's late again, laugh, and carry on..after all, it's not the end of the world. I am the one who gets upset and it ruins my day. Why do I let it get to me?

Why? Because it is about respect. Consideration. Courtesy. And a lot of other things besides. If only I had a sense of humour....

Oooh, just wanted to say....

2007-12-07T08:15:00.000Z

I followed the links on Merlin's blog, and did the thing about what sort of animal i was (some sort of deer I think) then what kind of kisser I am (a romantic one apparently, what did you expect) but then the links wouldn't upload on to my blog, I kept getting error messages.. Such a shame. And if that isn't enough for you geeks to work on, and tell me how to so it, I have found one major flaw with the i-phone that research hasn't solved...how to upload photos taken with the i-phone, onto the laptop. Aaah, not easy, haven't solved it yet..anyone want to take up the challenge?

Busy, busy, busy...

2007-12-07T07:57:00.000Z

Never known a time like it at work, so incredibly busy and hardly any time to visit families!! Been recruiting for a new member of staff so we can expand a bit or at least cope better with the number of families and volunteers we have, and last night was spent shortlisting the application forms..we started at just gone 6pm and finished at 10.30pm..looking at 32 forms in detail, and three of us discussing our points (Mark is a hard marker and I am generous, but we still agreed on the top six!) We are going to offer a first interview to seven people, so that is next Wednesday taken care of!

Then one morning I had a business breakfast, starting at 7.30am, followed by a busy day, then in the evening was the guest speaker at the local Flower Club AGM, where they gave me a cheque for £100 (well, not me personally...) There followed a demonstration of how to make your own Christmas wreath, starting with a bent wire coat hanger, a bit of oasis, and lots of greenery poked in for good effect. Then all the ladies moved to a table each, got out their own coat hangers, oasis and greenery, and began to make their own. There was much excitement. I moved around the tables offering encouragement, then I was offered a spare coat hanger and bits to make my own..sadly I was poor company and made my excuses to leave, saying it had been a long day, now it was 9pm and I wanted to go home for my tea. If I wasn't such a miserable cow I could have stayed and joined in, and now I would have my own wreath hanging up on my front door. It's my own fault....

Today I must go in and try and sort my desk out, write the interview offer letters (I have no staff on Fridays) and then go to DCs this afternoon (who will be back from Yorkshire on time) for a Ch*lsmford festival meeting I set up earlier this week. I do hope he isn't late..otherwise I can't promise there won't be blood spilt..and it won't be mine....

And if one more person says, 'All ready for Christmas, then?' in a cheery voice, they will get a good slap...

Going down hill again...

2007-12-03T23:33:00.000Z

Following a bad week last week, this week was stressed and difficult, with work really pressured, funding bids to write, deadlines to meet, recruitment to organise, a newsletter to get out, training to be delivered: and I managed to lose various things on the pc, so that I ahd to do the newsletter all over again, starting after the Show of Hands gig, at midnight, and finishing it at 2.15 am. Madness. But at least it was done.

I needed Rosemarie to counter sign a funding bid and she had gone away to Manchester and thought I knew. More stress.

I shut myslef in the bathroom on Thursday evenign to get some space, a loong hot bath..and I dyed my hair. deep, deep red. Very dark. Sh*t. Not a good look.

I had work phone calls and stuff to do for my other business, the event managment company, made difficult as I could not get to speak to my business partner. Texts and calls with no response. Promises of phoe conversations at pre-arranged times which didn't happen. Lack of coverage. Being too busy. Understandable, but frustrating. Eventually I hounded DC down in his northern office by landline, after two days of trying to arrange a meeting, and after being told he was busy and could he call me later, my reply was, no, you f**ing speak to me now, can you make this meeting? yes, he said. Fine, sorry to have bothered you. Phone down.

I then e-mailed my resignation from the business. Once and for all. Walk away.

I found a new hair salon with a top stylist who could fit me in for a cut and finish. Maybe the red wouldn't look so bad if there wasn't so much of it. I went in, the stress lifting off my shoulders along with my hair. My new stylist, trendy Italian guy called Davida (I kid you not) Dav-eed-a, was lvoely and caring and respectful and has done a good cut. A bit short, but not too short. And only a bit dark red now it's been washed a few times....

Saturday morning I gave in. I opened the packet of anti-depressants I have been trying to avoid for months, and took one. I have to get through this.

Saturday afternoon we had our business meeting. Lots of work to do. We talked, We worked. We laughed. He did not accept my resignation and says he will trya nd communicare better in future. When he is not up north in meetings from 8am until gone midnight working on contracts worth 21 million. I can understand why that needs focus. And will do for the next three years. But can I cope with being on the other end of that, trying to run a business alongside that?

As ever, answers on post card. Remember, he has promised to change....

Not quite Show of Hands....

2007-12-02T23:17:00.000Z

I was so excited..my favourite folk duo and amazing musicians, Phil Beer and Steve Knightley coming to St Albans... I have seen them at a few festivals this summer, but now I had the chance to see them properly, in an indoor venue, sitting comfortably to boot!!

C has never seen them, so decided to come along and see what so excited me. Driving to the gig I put Folk on 2 on the radio, and bizarrely heard Steve and Phil being interviewed about the new tour, and then came the sad, horrible, devastating news that Steve's son had been diagnosed with leukemia on his 6th birthday last Friday, the first night of the tour, and Steve had simply turned and gone home. Understandably. The tour had been cancelled. I was on the verge of stopping the car and turning round, but then I heard that Phil and support artist Miranda Sykes had decided to go ahead with the remaining dates without Steve.

So there we were in a packed Arena, so sad for Steve, but rooting for Phil and Miranda coping without him. The support act, Slaid Cleaves, was excellent and worth coming to...Phil and Miranda did their best, but it was not a Show of Hands gig, they did struggle a bit, and it felt sad. Clive did not see or hear the real thing, and DC came all the way from Yorkshire by train, to return at 5.30 next morning, and it wasn't really worth it...except to support the guys on stage and send hopeful, loving prayers to Steve and family, and hope he felt loved from miles away.

August Rush

2007-12-01T23:14:00.000Z

I arrived home from the weekend away a little later than intended, due to a late lunch stop ina rather nice hotel just off the motorway, where we partook of home made soup, rolls, coffee and home made biscuits, while sitting side by side on a large squishy sofa, with matching laptops on

the table in front of us, and matching i-phones connected, causing some smart ladies-who-lunch to pause and laugh at our endevours and the fact that, sadly, we were enjoying ourselves..you can tell the quality of the venue when I tell you that one guest landed by helicopter on the lawn outside, causing me and the ladies to rush to the window and stare unashamedly to see if it was anyone famous...it wasn't.

Anyway, I digress, after an hour or two of useful working (really, we were...) we headed home, and I arrived at my house at the same time as Rosemaries, with whom I had an arrangement for the evening. While C was opening the front door and saying, 'So, you've remembered where you live,' I was hiding behind Rosemarie and saying, 'I'm going out....'

We went out to eat, followed by a trip to the cinema to one of the most cheesiest films I ahev ever seen! It was so awful we had a ball just laughing and taking the p*ss...there were only four other people in the cinema aprt from us, we might have known..if you want a laugh...see it..it's dreadful.....why do good actors agree to be part of films like this????

More on that weekend away....

2007-11-30T08:48:00.000Z

It was the Operation team's weekend away..then a couple of years ago, Programming joined us. Someone came up with the new name of the PrOps weekend..what a suitable name..after all, between us, we do 'prop' up the festival. Good that we are all together, and the links that are being made, and the light bulb moments that are happening: 'Oh, is that what you do? Oh, gosh, is that what happens? Oh, you have that information then?', I suspect that in a year or so we will wonder how we ever used to put on the festival without the two groups meeting up!

The downside, if you can call it that, is how big the group has got, and I do miss the small group of 14 of us who used to be holed up in a bunk house in North Yorkshire, almost 10 years ago when this weekend away was born..I suppose we were the early pioneers....the wagons and horses seem a long time ago now.....

But given that the week leading up to the weekend was not a good one for me, and ended up with me 'losing it' big time with a certain person (losing it means tears, shouting and broken crockery, but no-one was hurt..well, I cut myself picking up the pieces and bled a lot...and after when I looked down there were large coffee stains all over my white t shirt..I thought I had missed my mouth when drinking, but D pointed out drily that I should have checked the cup was empty before I threw it....) but the stupid thing is that once we get time to spend together with our friends, we have a surprisingly good time...I laughed so much that weekend, like I haven't laughed so much in aged and ages..just laughed helplessly and remembered how good it can be...and I didn't get drunk either... anyway, a few pics from the hotel when we went for tea..they don't mind you wandering about, and it was all decorated for Christmas..perhaps next year we could stay there instead???

Weekend away

2007-11-29T23:35:00.000Z

It was good. Very good. My lift was late fetching me from Crewe station..oh who would have guessed..anyway, we arrived at our destination for squishy sofas, coffee and home-made biscuits: the hotel we discovered last year, where we had to go just to book in for afternoon tea on Sunday...so we sat side by side, with our yummy elevenses, with our matching lap tops and matching i-phones, and went on-line and registered them with O2..all great fun....

Then it was off to check the pub for the evening gathering, and remind them of our arrival..a roast dinner for £3.50..surely not? After that was sorted, on to the centre to put the usual welcome letters, little toys and chocolate on everyone's pillow. I had my spreadsheet with the details of all 50 people expected at the weekend, and hoped I had got it all right....

Then off to the pub, where we gradually took over a section as tables became vacant..and we all got our roast dinner, and then a selection of gorgeous deserts to share..why didn't think of it before? A carvery is just what we want, everyone eats when they want, no waiting, and there is enough food...a great success.

The weekend was good for me..a chance to catch up with friends, plan for the festival next year..a space for shopping on Saturday afternoon, and the annual pub quiz, put together by DC and me over a few very late nights this week!!!

Then, after lunch on Sunday, time to relax and chat with a few friends, then time for that afternoon tea we had booked..mmmmm..we were not disappointed.....

Hello and goodbye....

2007-11-28T23:20:00.000Z

yes, after a year or so's faithful service, I have been unfaithful to my sony phone, and so it is goodbye...I am moving on to pastures new......

...my sexy new i-phone

it has taken them a week to transfer my number, but now I am up and running, and getting used to the texting...it has such an intelligent predictive text memory, the more I text, the better it gets at predicting what I am going to say..scary...having one small computer in my pocket which is my phone, e-mail, music, photo library, calendar, text....I have to pinch myself how far technology has come..and how affordable..well, it is a business purchase, and even my phone bill has gone over to the business now..am I going to refuse???

Just struggling with my contacts, downloaded from Outlook and my phone, have been all evening trying to merge them, and get the alphabetical display sorted by first name...grr....still, lvoely new toy..you'd lvoe one Liz.....

End of blog silence....

2007-11-26T23:12:00.000Z

Those of you who express concern about me cos I have not blogged for a while: bless you, your love and hugs are much appreciated. Just strange times...lost the will to blog...nothing to say....have been good and bad..so busy at work, it has been ridiculous, mostly writing funding bids with tight deadlines..lots of work. I needed to get my volunteer's newsletter out, I worked on it from midnight until 2.15 am one night, it was the only way.....

Been struggling with the usual stuff....the new kitchen still feels weird, not really mine. I haven't been here much, and with C home now doing the shopping and cooking, I feel a bit like a visitor in my own home. if I do try and cook a meal, as I have for the past thirty five or so years, C hovers around interfering and telling me how to do things, as if I didn't know..the lack of personal space still gets to me..maybe that is why I have been working late....

Also struggling with, can't live with him, can;t live without him scenario with my business partner: why? oh, constant lateness, lack of communication..what can I say? It drives me mad, but would I be any happier of I walked away? Answers on a post card....

Do you remember this?

2007-11-14T23:57:00.001Z

which became this......

well, it now looks like this....

I can hardly believe it is my house....

Go on, smile....

2007-11-13T23:14:00.001Z

The things I do for you..I promised to write about locking myself out..I did write a long blog post at the weekend, but it vanished, and you know, that just makes me so cross and I can never be bothered to write it again.

So here is the pic of the boots I bought at my shoe party, but you don't get the whole story..except the knee length red suede ones were to die for..but I couldn't zip them all the way up.....sob...

The next day I was at my desk reading e-mails when I realised I had 5 minutes to get to an important meeting. I ran out and got there just in time, but when I returned at 4.30pm I found the lights on but no-one home. N had gone to do a visit and left for the day. My keys were tantalisingly visible on my desk....I went to the office across the road where they keep a spare key for us..mmm..we must have borrowed it and not taken it back...nothing for it but to go to M&S, buy a microwave meal for one and head for the bus stop. Except I was cold and tired and I reached the taxi rank first....door to door, that's my style.

It all went wrong after that, the state of the kitchen upset me and I collapsed, as mentioned in my previous blog. It was serious, weeping, collapsing, feeling alone as a best friend I wanted to ring was off limits, and I was finding it really, really tough...

I rang my secretary to borrow her office key. With all the lights on, my keys visible, not to mention my laptop, I knew I couldn't leave the office that way all night. Oh, I forgot, she was in London a the Opera. (Can't get the staff..) N is not local, I didn't want to ask her to come back so late.

About 9 o'clock I stopped crying long enough to think to ring M, my Chair. He has a key. He also knew when I spoke on the phone that I was crying. I said I was ok, and would come round for his office key. He said ok. I took time hunting for my spare car key, in the chaos that is my house at the moment. I eventually found it and went outside to get in the car and go and pick up the office keys. Except my car was not there. Panic. I looked in the car port. I checked the street. More panic. And then it dawned on me....I had come home in a taxi cos my car keys were locked in the office..my car was still in town.....

I had to go back in and ring M and snivel, and say, sorry i am so stupid, I can't come and collect the keys because....he said, I'll be round. He drove me to the office, I got my keys, locked up and then he drove me round until I remembered where I had parked my car...and he employs me to run the charity.....

Oh i forgot to mention, earlier in the day I had taken my phone and charger into O2 because it wouldn't charge any more. I gave it to the boy (so young..) and complained something had broken. My phone won't charge. He took the items out the back to test. He came back, and said, the phone charges perfectly now I have scraped the melted chocolate off the connector bit....oh. Must have been in my pocket....

I've had better....

2007-11-05T08:09:00.000Z

oh yes, I've definitely had better. Last week was not a good one, hence the blog silence, apart from a couple of blogs about the party weekend.

The whole kitchen stress continued, with the relationship between me and Mick (yes, a builder called Mick, unusual that....) hitting an all time low, we haivng to ring him when the plumber/electrician/painter arrived on different days, all with issues, which meant I would ring Mick to sort it out, and I would get caught in the middle. Clvie was away, which was fine on one level, but I was dealing with it all, and feeling that being a 'girly' was not helping, I was meeting classic blokey patronising crap.

Added to that, I was flashed by a speed camera last week, and on Yuesday received the polcie summons. As I am on 12 points (see last year's blog re November's court appearance in Bath)I am already on borrowed time and will have to go to court again and will probably lose my licence. I am only six months away from having 6 points taken off, it will be three years in April since that disastrous time....

At least having time on my own, with Clvie away for the week meant I could do what I wanted (sort of...) On Wednesday I came back and had another crisis with the kitchen, and what with feeling everything else was bad, I simply collapsed on the sofa and cried for what seemed like hours. That was the night I had locked myslef out of the office....more about that later....

The morning after...

2007-11-02T22:53:00.000Z

You know I hadn't been sleeping well. The night before the party had been particularly bad. So I was used to being awake most of the night, and fell in to bed at 5.30am at the lvoely Liz's, only to sleep until 8.30am. A whole 3 hours! Then from 8.30am until 10.30am..quite the best night's sleep for ages.

I showered and went downstairs at the same time as Martin, to discover Liz about to cook breakfast. I said no at first, I was still extremely full from the night before, but as she was cooking bacon, I thought I might as well have a rasher. Or two. And a sausage, Oh, are you doing eggs? Ok then...so i ended up with a plateful too, and we sat and ate and chatted and it was lovely and relaxing and chilled....

Until I realsied I had to leave and get my train, and I had left my glasses at S& K's house, so we jumped in the car, and I ahd to accept I would miss my train. Never mind,I would get on Martin's train and change at Milton Keynes. I would get to Watford at 5pm instead of 4pm, but never mind.

We did a dash to Heaton, Liz dropped us off and we ran down the stairs. The wrong stairs. We had to run back up, out of the station, across the bridge and down the other stairs...just in time to see the train pull out...bugger..so we ran back up the stairs, across the bridge, and back to Liz who was waiting, just in case.

Then followed a drive to Stockport to catch up wit the train, with Liz telling us in no uncertain terms that she wouldn't do this at every station....oh..meanie...anyway, we made it in time, and jumped on a packed train, and managed to get seats near enough to talk. Which we did until we fell asleep, and napped all the way to Milton Keynes.

I bid Martin goodbye, and hopped off to sit and wait half an hour for my connection. I made yet another phone call to organise my lift home.

When Martin texted later, 'Did you get home alright?' my texted reply was, 'I rang DC who promised to pick me up, but cos I was later, he didn't want to, so I rang Clvie who was busy and sounded inconvenienced, and annoyed about the timing and traffic, so I sat on the platform and felt tearful and unwanted. But he did pick me up. So ...that is a girlie reply to your blokey question, and yes I did.'

Party time...

2007-10-30T22:44:00.000Z

Getting ready was fun, after freshening up in the shower, I was sharing the bedroom and bathroom with all the female members of the R family, and they scrub up remarkably well! I did a bit of girly bonding with H, as we compared spots, and I was able to lend some of ace spot cover stick, so I made a new friend....

When we were all ready, and after S had been allowed 5 minutes in the bathroom, perfectly adequate for the average male in terms of getting ready, we all admired each other's outfits/shoes/hair/makeup etc etc and we headed off to the party.

Well, it was great...a simply brill venue, more food than we could eat, even at two or three platefuls each - there were about 100 of us trying to get through a spread for 300, or that's how it felt. K, although it was her 40th, had spent two days cooking and shopping and providing the most fantastic spread for her friends and family..she is amazing.

The disco was good, the dj cool and not irritating, as they can be, and he played all S & K''s favourite music. I danced, some friends danced, tho mostly girlies, as most blokies I know just don't dance, which is a real shame. But I lvoe dancing and had a good time,a s well as chatting with friends and finding that 1am came round amazingly quickly, and it was time to walk, yes, walk home. Mmmm...my new shoes were beginning to hurt, but luckily I had S to keep me company and to chat to, so I made it back.

Quite a few party goers came back to the house, where drink continued to flow (I stuck to orange juice and then coffee, you'll be pleased to know) and the kareoke dvds appeared, and so much singing and laughter ensued..I had a go at a couple..one was Queen's Don't Stop me Now, the other..well it was a girly one, don't remember exactly....

I got into conversation in the kitchen with a very drunk young man, who undid his shirt and tried to persuade me he had a third nipple..I couldn't see it, but he did have a great deal of dark chest hair, which I rummaged my hands through..he was so drunk he didn't seem to mind, and I quit enjoyed it. We were getting on very well when his girlfriend appeared to claim him..oh well, that's life. I owned up to looking for the third nipple in his chest hair, and she looked at her boyfriend with amused resignation and said, come on, let's get you home....so I was safe.

I had a couple of little rests on the sofa as the night went on, and rested my eyes, much t the amusement of L and S, yes I was in the company of reach Out and Touch the Screen, and Horse Wrestlers..those Evil Twins whose Reputation Goes Before Them. I only had a couple of quick naps, but stayed the course until 5am, when taxis were called to take us away.

I went upstairs to get my coat and bags, and as I did so, I checked my hone for messages, as you do. The screen saver which sprung into life was not my normal one. Instead there was a photo of me asleep on the sofa. Grrrr.how does she do it? I went downstairs and called her rude names. She denied all knowledge.

Later, back at her house, I asked to borrow some contact lens solution, as I appeared to have lost mine. Oh, she says, it's in your handbag. Slight pause. Oh, I know that because S told me. Yeah, right.

And you are not going to see the photo on this blog. It is not a pretty sight. Looks a bit like my mother on a bad day snoozing in her chair at her residential home. Clearly I feel very much younger than I look. Don't we all!

Back to my roots..almost...

2007-10-28T08:14:00.000Z

After a morning at work, I headed home, packed a bag, talked to the builders, then got a lift to Watford junction in time for the train to Manchester.

Train travel is not what it was. I swear trains have got smaller. This one was rammed, I only just got a seat, but I felt squashed and surrounded, and compelled to listen to the young Asian guy next to me on the phone to his mate, with phrases like, 'You understand man?, Know what I mean, innit?' I had to look to make sure I wasn't seated next to Sacha Cohen...

I couldn't read, but put on my headphones and listened to music and tried to sleep. I caused the guy opposite to laugh outloud when I sneezed and my headphones flew out of my ears....

Much texting with Martin F who was on a parallel train heading north, and the plan was to co-incide at Stockport, and take the local train to Heaton, and there be met by the lvoely Stuart. However, Stuart arrived at Stockport as I was waiting on the platform, so I texted Martin I had a better offer, I was collected by Stuart, and we drove to Heaton in time to pick up Martin.

As I walked up the slope at the back of Stockport station, I came up to the main road and took this picture of the first thing I saw:

The boarded up Bluebell hotel...a wonderful, classic building which was once glorious I suspect...kind of took me back immediately to arriving in Stockport as a fresh faced drama student, to find my digs in Tiviot house, a similar imposing Victorian house, home to 14 girls from the Poly, the most dirty flea infested lodgings you could hope to live in. My dad dropped me off, my mum I suspect was too upset at my leaving to come with us...my dad's parting remark was, 'It's a good job your mum can't see where I am leaving you....'

This time, Martin and I were driven to S and K's house, their new home, and I was quickly given the guided tour by K: what a lvoely, lvoely house, which is truly a home...the kettle was on and there was time for a cup of tea before getting ready for the party...I was with friends, and it was lvoely.....

Bored now....

2007-10-26T05:54:00.000+01:00

Been awake on and off...since about 4.30am I gave up..got up, let dog out, took nurofen, made hot milk (would have added whiskey but in the kitchen chaos, can't find it), read the paper, now it's 5 to 6am, and still wide awake....

Came home from work early and went to bed, just lay listening to music and trying to relax ... Laura came round after work and found me not in a good state.. she was lovely and caring and understanding, but I don't want her to see her mum this bad... anyway, we talked and shared loads and got a Chinese takeaway and had a good evening..I am so very lucky that she lives close by and we can catch up like this. We are promising ourselves a major shopping trip very soon...

The kitchen is causing me great stress, problems with plumber and project manager, how is it they talk to me as if I was stupid?? I am not... I was promised it would be finished and it isn't. Came home yesterday expecting to find worktops fitted and they are not. Cupboard doors hung but some the wrong way round...I took Laa into the kitchen to show her and unfortunately the stress of it means I just can't cope with it, and I just cry..she says it really is going to be ok and will look good..but agrees there are some issues. I need to ring the builder in the morning, but I can't face the stress..

Still, I will go into work for a bit, then come home and pack, and hop on a train heading north. Just for 24 hours I will be away from it all, and with good friends. Heaven.

Repeat viewing..sort of....

2007-10-24T23:44:00.000+01:00

Me and Rosemarie planned a cinema outing tonight. She suggested Ratatouille! Given that there was absolutely nothing else on we wanted to see, and I just a. wanted to be out of the house and b. see Rosemarie, I didn't tell her I saw it last week with Clive, and went again.

I laughed like a drain at the first short film, priceless, and settled down with my coffee and large packet of m&ms to watch the main feature. Not only did I stay awake throughout, I realised just how much I had missed last week! Man, I must have slept through half of it! So I was glad I went again...

We went our for a drink after, and I bent Rosemarie's ear for over an hour re life, work, kitchens, relationships, HRT, and bless her she listened - again....

Thank God for friends, who help me cope far better than any pills.

Anyway, as I sat in a traffic jam today I fell asleep at the wheel...made me decide that driving to Manchester and back at the weekend probably isn't safe! I seem to fall asleep anywhere except in bed, which is extremely annoying....but I have booked my train tickets now, so I can travel in comfort, complete with i-pod and a good book..though I will probably close my eyes for a bit...

What is it to be?

2007-10-23T22:06:00.000+01:00

Went to the doctor tonight. She was very kind and understanding and tolerant of the person going to pieces in front of her. So, what is it to be? I have a choice...back on the anti-depressants or try HRT? She looked at the screen - I see you have a history of depression - actually, no I don't, I was on them for six months almost two years ago, after my parents died..I don't think that counts as a history...

I'll be ok if I can just get some sleep...if my kitchen could get finished and my house back in some kind of order.

I go to work and come home. Clive is around, he gets the shopping now, and puts something in the microwave for two minutes, and hey presto, we have dinner. I have forgotten how to cook. Shopping used to be what I did. I sit on the sofa and can't remember what to do. What did I used to do with my time? Tonight I put on a dvd to pass the time, and, yes you guessed it, I went to sleep....

Not sure where I go from here. Except to Manchester on Friday, of course...hope I keep awake driving!

A guaranteed way to get me to sleep...

2007-10-22T00:03:00.000+01:00

Oh yes, let me lie down in a comfy bed at night, and insomnia strikes almost instantly. So the best way for me to get some sleep is to pay out good money for something I really want to see, a good film, theatre, or..let me see...a folk group...and I go out like a light, as if drugged. At one point during the film Ratatouille last week, I woke myslef up with my snoring....

Tonight I did make it to the folk club in Hitchin, and C was quite keen to come too, it was the thought of having dinner in the bar first, he couldn't face another microwave dinner, and last night's m&s spag bol had him sitting up in bed until nearly 2 am apparently, feeling quite nauseous.

Anyway,we went, and saw and heard the amazingly talented Spiers and Boden. They could call themsleves John and Jon, but perhaps not...I did stay awake for a lot of it, and very good it was too. I first came across them at the Wickham Festival, which my cousin took me to last year, and after he lent me some of their CDs and now I am a great fan. They are leading members of the band Bellowhead - you may remember me mentioning them at Cambridge Folk Festival....

A better day, did some tidying, had a long talk with my auntie, walked the doggie in the autumn sunshine, was joined by DC walking the three legged dog, which he only does about twice a year. It would have been lvoely if I hadn't picked an argument, quite unnecessarily, and got the strop, when actually a walk in the warm autumn sunshine through a carpet of fallen leaves with company and at least one enthusiastic doggie to chase a ball..well, if things are going too well I just spoil it, don't I! I blame the hormones.....

After doggie walking I went for tea and cake with Jacky and Peter. As we were chatting I said, oh B*gger, I meant to bring some washing over, I forgot it. Then, as I was leaving, I was getting in the car, and Jacky pointed at the basket of clothes on the passenger seat and said, what's that? And then it dawned on me..and we both giggled a bit..and I took my dirty washing home again.

Well, time to attempt sleep I think! Goodnight, lvoely friends.

Later on Sunday...

2007-10-21T10:21:00.000+01:00

So blogging and sending angst ridden e-mails in the middle of the night is probably not a good thing...however, I tried to sleep around 6.30am and probably got an hour or so. Got myself breakfast in bed. Got a text from DC advising me to go to church..probably a good bit of advice and maybe I ought to turn to God more instead of handling things alone. But I am craving time alone rather than a church full of people who probably see me (yet again) dissolve into tears....

C has stopped going to church recently, but this morning he has gone, so I am alone...it seems odd doesn't it, that I say in one blog I am lonely, and yet I crave time alone..some personal space..I am sure you can work out the difference between alone and lonely..I remember our English teacher Miss Smith getting us to put the words into sentences so we learned the difference. Good job I paid attention at school What do you remember learning? I remember learning about the discovery of Tutankhamen's tomb in history (well, it wouldn't be maths would it!)...

Anyway, Merlin has cheered me up..I have been on msn to George and she has cheered me up, I am getting excited about going to a party on Friday, seeing friends, if I am lucky dancing, either on my own or with some hunky men (note you men, I like to dance....) The sun is shining. The kitchen may yet turn out ok. I do not need to consider ending it all. There is too much to lvie for, even of the fine detail of my life sometimes overwhelms me. It's either walk away or deal with it.

I think I will ring my aunt, my mum's sister. Not spoken for a while. She will be pleased to hear from me. this afternoon am going to Jacky's for a cup of tea and doggie walk. There is a folk gig on in Hitchin tonight I want to go to, people I know who would like to come with me can't, so shall i ask C? He might. if not, I will go on my own.

Be thankful for what you have in life, not what you don't have. I have a very dirty and untidy house. I will be grateful, and soon, when the work is finished, tidy it up.

Have a good Sunday. Bye! x

Early Sunday morning...

2007-10-21T06:27:00.000+01:00

Been awake since just gone 2am. Tossed and turned as they say. Got up finally about 4.30am. Let dog out. Made hot milk. Read, drank milk, ate biscuits. The came on line. Read Merlin's response to my Saturday night blog. Bless him.

So needed someone to talk to, I have written the longest e-mail on the planet to a close friend while tears poured down my face and I poured out my feelings into a laptop. That will make fun reading in the morning. Maybe I should have pressed delete, not send.

Anyway, look at this....symptoms of the menopause....

Hot flashes, flushes, night sweats and/or cold flashes, clammy feeling (see note)
Irregular heart beat
Irritability
Mood swings, sudden tears
Trouble sleeping through the night (with or without night sweats)
Irregular periods; shorter, lighter periods; heavier periods, flooding; phantom periods, shorter cycles, longer cycles
Loss of libido (see note)
Dry vagina (see note)
Crashing fatigue
Anxiety, feeling ill at ease
Feelings of dread, apprehension, doom (see note)
Difficulty concentrating, disorientation, mental confusion
Disturbing memory lapses
Incontinence, especially upon sneezing, laughing; urge incontinence (see note)
Itchy, crawly skin (see note)
Aching, sore joints, muscles and tendons (see note)
Increased tension in muscles
Breast tenderness
Headache change: increase or decrease
Gastrointestinal distress, indigestion, flatulence, gas pain, nausea
Sudden bouts of bloat
Depression (see note)
Exacerbation of existing conditions
Increase in allergies
Weight gain (see note)
Hair loss or thinning, head, pubic, or whole body; increase in facial hair
Dizziness, light-headedness, episodes of loss of balance
Changes in body odor
Electric shock sensation under the skin and in the head (see note)
Tingling in the extremities (see note)
Gum problems, increased bleeding
Burning tongue, burning roof of mouth, bad taste in mouth, change in breath odor
Osteoporosis (after several years)
Changes in fingernails: softer, crack or break easier
Tinnitus: ringing in ears, bells, 'whooshing,' buzzing etc. (see note)

I don't have all these symptoms, but I sure have some of them pretty badly! So having just had a really, really, bad day, and made someone else miserable with my upset, depression and tears, and nearly ruined an already damaged relationship, just because I am so impossible to cope with, it makes me feel worse, how can I put things right when I am so messed up? When will I be a normal person again?

Saturday night reflections...

2007-10-20T22:59:00.000+01:00

A time for reflecting on my week....the kitchen still being worked on. Over 8 weeks now. The house a mess. The kitchen project a stress. A lot of money. And I mean a lot of money. Makes me feel sick. What if I don't like it? If it's not what I wanted or hoped for? It's my mum and dad's money. I cry every time I say that. I will never have it again. I will never have them again.

Sleep. or lack of it. Night after night after night..of wakefulness. Of thinking. Of tormenting myself about what could be. Loneliness. Hormones. Headaches. Worrying. Getting more and more tired....

Work. Funding bids. Committee meetings. Conflict. Tears. Families. People. Their stories. Their needs. Someone dying. Leaving a wife and children. A single mum with three children including a disabled child. A new mum with a small baby, coming to terms with a diagnosis of MS. All trusting me with their stories. And their tears.

How come I can help people sort their lives out, but I can't do mine?

Business meetings. A good year. Targets met. But at what cost?

Tonight, a Saturday night of tears. Thinking. Tiredness. A night of not wanting to be. A night of wanting to be needed. Held. Loved.

Tough.

I know. Pull yourself together. Too much thinking. Too much feeling sorry for myself. Get a life, get over it. Get some sleep....it will all seem better in the morning....

One for the dog lovers....

2007-10-16T23:17:00.000+01:00

Pictures of Sophie dog getting used to her new bed, the old one having been disposed of as hazardous to health....she seems to like it and curls up in the furry warmth, which must be good for her arthritis...

She is doing really well, her coat is sleek and shiny again, not falling out, and despite oddly shaped front legs which bend like those on regency cabinets, she is bouncy and keen to go walkies. She is now eating food for 'senior dogs with kidney failure'..looks a bit dry and tasteless, but she eats it up and appears to be benefiting...so maybe she will make Christmas and celebrate being 15 after all!!

I only wish, as someone kind enough to share my room with her, that she didn't spend much of the night retching or making horrid similar noises, it doesn't help my sleeplessness..I was up at 6.30am to let her out this morning..triffic.....

Books 5, Films 2....

2007-10-14T08:31:00.000+01:00

Read on holiday:

1. Temptation by Douglas Kennedy. A good book to read on the plane and first day on the beach....

2. The Greek for Love by James Chatto. A wonderful book to read whilst in Greece...a true story set on Corfu, which is lovely and touching and real and sad..and a story with which I have a bizarre connection....more of which another time....

3. The Life and Times of the Thunderbolt Kid by Bill Bryson. A very good book for the third day of the holiday...but dangerous and embarrassing to read in public. It was the one thing that made me laugh on holiday, explosions of laughter and helpless giggling, which had me almost fall off my sun lounger, and had C tell me stop stop reading in front of people. So I would put the book down, lie back on my sun lounger, then think about what I has just read, and explode into giggles all over again....

4. Halfway House by Katherine Noel. Having read the three books I brought by the fourth day, I raided the book shelf in the hotel reception and found this..another American book (that made three out of the four) about a family coping with having a daughter suffering from manic depression. Interesting.

5. The Devil wears Prada by Lauren Weisberger. Having got into reading on holiday (non-stop) I wanted to continue, and so picked up this book lent to me by Laa..she and I watched the dvd some time ago, so I knew the story but enjoyed it as an easy read.

6. A Spot of Bother by Mark Haddon. About to start it. Got it for Mec for his birthday and have borrowed it. He was reluctant to hand it over. Why? Well, it is a bit explicit..not sure you'd like it..gay men and stuff...oh for heavens sake Mec, give it here, it's ok, really....I'll let you know...

Films seen since return from holiday:

1. Atonement. Went with Laura. I had read the book, don't think she had. We both thought it brilliant. I stayed awake all the way through! Actually found the book hard going, didn't really enjoy it, but the film was beautifully shot and acted, and I had forgotten some of the storyline, so some bits truly shocked or surprised me.

2. Ratatouille. Seen with Clive last night. Pixel animated film, they just make the word 'cartoon' seem so, so inadequate...and the little short film they show first is a delight, a treasure and worth going just for that...I was tired, I did fall asleep in Ratatouille, woke myself up snoring. How embarrassing. But it is fun and sweet....I had my hair done yesterday and it is ok, but I intend to go a bit more plummy in the winter, and the female lead in this film had hair the cut and colour I would lvoe..how sad to sit in the cinema and be jealous of the cartoon character's hair....

Strange times....

2007-10-13T08:37:00.000+01:00

Life feels weird right now....or may be it is all inside my head...is is sleep deprivation? After my immense and deep tiredness at GB, I was home briefly and trying to sort out the house as the kitchen work had started and thrown us into disarray..then I was off to Edinburgh, and didn't sleep well, then next day off to S&gar Hill to work another festival where sleep was in short supply..coming back life was so busy I and stressful I didn't stop, and by the time I flew off to a Greek island, all I wanted to do was sleep....

But is was hot at night, and C told me there was no air conditioning, so I spent a long time awake (especially with the snoring...) and by the time I looked myself and discovered there was air conditioning (grrrr) and switched it on, a few nights had gone by, then I couldn't sleep cos of the noise of said air con, so I switched it off....plus I had much stuff in my head, I am not really relaxing mentally....

So, back home to my own bed, one would have thought I could sleep, but now strange hormonal stuff is going on ( I think) and I am thrown into long nights of feeling like I am at least dying of malaria, almost delirious with a high temperature and fever and bathed in sweat...if I sleep with the window wide open and have no bedding on I just about survive.

Added to this I am feeling low, quite negative, depressed and weepy, once again leaving a committee meeting tearful, having my horrible downward spiral black thoughts, and wondering what the point is of going on....

Added to this mix is a kitchen not finished after six weeks, the stress of stuff going wrong, me left to handle it all, to make decisions, unsure whether to sack the builder and start again, difficult meetings after sleepless nights thinking about what to do...last Sunday I rang James, my lvoely lovely son, I was in floods of tears, and he dropped all his plans and came home and worked until 11pm on going through everything, producing a professional 3d design of what I wanted, and helping me put together a 26 point agenda to go through with the builder the following morning.

I think things are back on track, but things are still messy, still living on microwave meals, and 6 weeks in they lose their appeal....and life is busy, and stressful, and full of meetings, day job, evening job, challenges..I know I am capable, know I can do it, running training, managing volunteers, project managing a festival..but somehow certain meetings with certain people disempower me and make me feel under valued and not appreciated. And make me want to give up frankly.

And I am coping with the loss of my own personal space, with life as I have known it for the last 30 years, with C having retired, and he is home all the time, in the mornings when I am used to being alone, and when I get home..when I am used to my own personal space and time..it is a huge change which I am only just beginning to deal with...badly....

Still it's all probably hormonal, yes I have spots too, but hey, I will feel better next week and be back to my normal self, and blog funny stories..if anyone is interested in reading them....

Then there was Greece....

2007-10-06T22:34:00.000+01:00

..or the Island of Samos, to be precise, close to the Turkish border...after a season of festivals, and a lot of work, and with post S*gar Hill work, together with another meeting for the festival we are project managing next July, and loads of work at work, ie my proper day job, and my AGM coming up, and an annual report to prepare, I got a bit stressed....

So the prospect of spending the last week of September on a beach somewhere was very appealing (and explains the blog silence) and before I went I handed over all (or as much as possible) to my business partner, and he promised to see to everything, and I was to simply enjoy my holiday and leave everything to him.

Well, that's ok then.....there were only a few phone calls, and two sessions on the internet checking e-mails, and one call taken on the beach and hearing the famous words, 'Sally, can you sort this out, I have left messages for Dave, and I can't get hold of him and he hasn't returned my calls,'....one terse voice mail later, it seems to have done the trick....

Anyway, I almost relaxed, but then the builders were in working on the kitchen (yes, I still don't have one) and my secretary was working on the annual report, and the AGM was the day after I got back, and I had my talk to write...so I couldn't switch off completely...

Still..it was good...the hotel, the food, the beaches, the sea, the island...a week was not long enough...but then I wanted to come home and see my friends...I miss them....and here are the pics...

And the next night....really and truly....

2007-10-06T17:46:00.000+01:00

You remember the adventure with the caravan when attempting to leave GB? Well, PA said at the time, 'Something happens to this van at every festival..what next time?' Well, it's true, wrapped round a lamp post at Cambridge, flat tyre on route to Cropredy, stuck under grandstand at GB..what on earth could happen at the next festival?

Nothing, we said. Absolutely nothing...the fact that it was almost lost in an unseasonal flood in June, doesn't mean this van is jinxed...really.

So, there we were, attempting to leave S&gar Hill at a respectable time and get home to eat dinner with our respective families. Then we had the Traveller crisis (see earlier blogs) and we promised the farmer to take full responsibility for them leaving, and we promised not to leave unless they did.

Hmm. Time went on, we packed, they packed, we hung about a bit, and so did they, in an unhurried nice summer evening kind of way, until 7pm when they departed. Hugs and waving and photos, and they were on their way, and so we prepared to depart. I decided to ring home and say something like, you know how we left later than planned from GB cos we got stuck? Well, this time it was because of the gypsies, dear....C no longer seems surprised by what I have to say, but surprised me by saying he wasn't expecting me til tomorrow anyway, and no worries, he would go to bed and not wait up. Ok, no problem, I could relax.

We decided to go up to the farm house and say goodbye before hitching the caravan, and we took a bottle of wine for good measure to celebrate the end of a good festival. As we walked into the warm and welcoming farm house kitchen, dogs chasing about and playing and good food cooking, Farmer's wife gives us both hugs and thanks us for our hard work and insists we stay and eat with them. I open my mouth to say, oh, lvoely, (it's gone 7.30pm at this point and I am starving and it looks like a good lasagne) as DC says, no, sorry, we must get going. He saw my face, and went and made that phone call home..I said no, sorry of course we must go, we will go now, and he said, no, I have rung home now and said we are going to eat first, but we mustn't stay long.... (you can see where this is going...!)

Farmer and wife and so delighted with success of festival and the fact that the travellers have gone, and they are not stuck with a horrible eviction problem, and want champagne, so DC gets some from the caravan. We sit in the lounge, I haev little puppies jumping on me and playing, I have a glass of champagne, I am warm and dry and relaxed and about to eat and Very Happy.

We sit round the big farm house table and eat lasagne, followed by fruit pie and cream, and even coffee, and we talk...and suddenly, oh is it really that time? Almost 11pm? Oh dear....we are well fed, full of champagne and warm..and I am a trifle sleepy....Farmer's wife even offers us to stay the night...

However we take our leave and head back to the pitch black field and tray and find the caravan. Farmer has asked us to do him a little job on the way, which holds us up, but we find the caravan with the help of our headlights, and we stop in the darkness and look up at the wonderful starry sky which is beautiful in the black dark. For a moment it crosses both our minds that all we want to do at this point is sleep...should we stay? But I have work in the morning, and DC confesses he has to leave for North Yorks at 6.30am, so we are brave and sensible and get eh caravan ready to depart, winding up the little legs, etc. DC backs the landy up to hitch up but is an inch short. Hitching is not happening, so i offer to back up the landy an inch. I am holding the torch and shivering in the cold cold dark. I see the farm house lights go out and we are alone.

DC attempts to hitch by undoing the jockey wheel and hopes the caravan will lurch forward and pop on. All that happens is that the jockey wheel comes off completely, the caravan lurches forward and lands on its nose, on the ground, missing the tow hitch. B*ll*cks, he says. We cannot lift the caravan up on our own. DC tries, but it is obvious that he is now tired and cold and not thinking clearly. I however, am ok, in a good mood, being sensible and thinking clearly. Is this possible, can we lift the caravan, if not, we don't even try and go to bed and get Farm help in the morning. No, DC wants to do it. Right, let's wind the front legs up, I say, to take some of the weight and see what we can do. I start doing that, and DC looks at me and thanks me for keeping calm and doing the thinking , and keeping him from 'losing it'.

I say it's my pleasure, and between us in the pitch dark and cold by about a quarter to midnight we get the caravan hitched. What a team. We prepare to leave, but as DC gets more tired he gets slower and more pedantic. He insists on doing the usual light check, he gets in the landy and I stand at the back of the caravan and he says do the indicators work and i say yes they do, no they don't, that old joke. This time he says do the brake lights work, and I say no they don't, and he says don't mess about, and I say, no they really don't. We discover the brake and reversing lights won't work on the caravan or landy. I say oh bugger, can we not go anyway, and DC says no, it's dangerous. I say, do you think God is telling us to stay and sleep and not drive? No...So out comes the manual, we find where the fuses are under the dashboard and which fuse does which set of lights, and I hold the torch and he puts in the spare fuses, and after about half an hour we are ready to go again....

I get in the landy after checking the lights and DC has vanished. I get out and he has taken the number plate off the back of the caravan and says he is not sure it is on securely enough and so we are now looking for blue tak and sticky tape to pout it back on. I hold the torch and help and have got to the helpless light header giggly stage that this will go on all night, and still I feel strangely calm....

We are only in Swindon, an hour and half away from home, so now it's gone 12,30am we will be safely home by 2.15am....

Once we set off, and the landy gets warm, I am out like a light, fast asleep, I knew I would. Every now and then I wake up with the landy lurching or swerving slightly, as DC struggles to keep awake. I try to stay awake too, talk to him, put music on, open the window, but it is like I am drugged and I cannot stay awake. We make good progress down the motorway but DC is really falling asleep, so by Reading we give up and stop for strong coffee. We get coffee to take away, and I say, come on, we are only 45 mins away now, you can do it. (The issue is, dear reader, I should have explained before, that I cannot share the driving because of the caravans, and therefore it is totally his call to stay or go in the first place) Suddenly DC says, it's no good, I have to sleep, let's get in the caravan for a while. It is now gone 1.30am, we sit in the back of the caravan on the bench seats and drink our coffee. The coffee is hot, the van is freezing after the warmth of the car.

I am going to get a couple of hours sleep, says DC, lying down on his bench seat and immediately snoring like you have never heard. I sit there. Of course I am now wide awake, cold and wondering how my life turns out that I am in Reading services in a caravan at almost 2 o'clock in the morning, and we didn't intend this to happen.

After while I realise I had better try and sleep, so I lie down on my bench seat, pull my fleece closer, shivering, and try and ignore the dire snoring 2 feet away. I lie there..I lie there, and just as I am dozing off, I am frightened by DC suddenly sitting up and shouting, B*ll*cks! My nerves are so shot to pieces at this point I panic, saying, now what's happened? He says, can you hear that? No, what? That, I don't believe it. What? I listen..there it is. A bird singing. A bird singing quite loudly (I couldn't hear it for the snoring...) DC is now annoyed, The bright lights in the service station have lulled the birdies into thinking it is morning, and they have started the dawn chorus at 2am. Never mind, I say, try and sleep. No, he says, F8ckit, I am wide awake now, I am driving home. Oh, ok then....

We climb back into the landy, he drives, and I immediately fall asleep again in the warm. It is a very slow, careful progress we make good job the roads are empty, and we crawl into St Albans at gone 3am. I make DC promise on his life not to go to NY at 6.30am, and I at last get into my house and go upstairs to bed, not worrying about waking C as he sleeps like a log and never hears me come in. However, my bedroom light is on. He is lying there, looking at me. What time do you call this, kind of comment....I say he told me he was not waiting up, so I didn't call, but I did point out if he was worried he could have called my mobile....

So as I got ready for bed, I told him the story, telling him how we stayed to eat when we hadn't planned to, then about the caravan not hitching, and half way through my interesting, detailed account, he suddenly got up and said, well yes, I'm tired, I need to sleep, I'll see you in the morning and decamped to his own room.

Oh. I thought it was a funny story. I'll save it and tell it to someone else...in fact, it is my blogger's duty... sorry it took so long...

And the next night.....

2007-10-03T22:57:00.000+01:00

Yes, the next night was better, I slept well, the day went well, the evening was not so cold, and at the end of an eventful day, the call came that the kettle was on in a certain Mr & Mrs Safety's caravan. Now call me old fashioned, but a call to a freezing beer tent never did excite me, but an invite to a warm caravan for a cup of tea is much more my..well, you know....

So it's late, very late, but I am my old self, up for a bit of social intercourse (steady....) so we get to M and A's caravan, warm and toasty, and others are there, and the kettle has boiled, but they only have earl grey. Yuck. DC goes to our caravan and gets some tea bags.

He returns with the tea, and a bottle of whiskey or two..now how did that happen? Mr VL seems happy with this development, and soon tea is poured and whiskey is poured. I am happily sat with my mug of tea, and Mr VL gives me DC's glass of whiskey to pass to him.

********* Thinks.......

Well, I don't know how it happened, but there was this slight pause as I was about to pass the whiskey.....and at the same time as DC started to reach forward and go 'Noooooooooooooooooooo....' somehow I had knocked it back and it was all gone. Down my throat. In one go.

My, that was a f*cking big whiskey. For a start the taste was disgusting and made me fold up and kind of shiver and go 'Urrrrch'. Then my face got hot, then my ears got hot, and steam started coming out of them. ''What the....' said Mr M and Mrs A, cos they had not seen the like before.

David explained about the occasional urge which comes over me, a confirmed TT, to down a glass of whiskey..generally exceedingly good stuff, and generally his.

They timed me. Took about 11 minutes. First the smiling...non stop wide smiling....then the giggling....then the not being able to speak properly, followed by total collapse and giggling and general wobbliness..then I was asleep. Sound. I had to be woken up and led back to our caravan.

As I settled into bed, warm and cosy under my duvet and still smiling, DC appeared with glass of water and two nurofen, and made me drink it and take them. Then he tucked me in and wished me goodnight. And I swear, as he looked at me, he was laughing again.....

I promise..I won't do it again...until the next time...

Oh, I feel so guilty....

2007-10-03T22:45:00.001+01:00

..because one or two things have happened to me, that at the time, made me think, I have to blog this, my readers would be cross if they knew..amusing things happening to Sally and she doesn't blog them? Who does she think she is???

So..back to the S*gar Hill Festival..Saturday night, DC are on walkabout, there is not much happening to be honest, it is 1am, official close down is 2am, but I am so tired, and not feeling too well, that I state my intention to go to bed, and not walk about until 2am for no reason. I just can't. 'That's ok,' says DC, 'I'll hand over to Nights, and we'll both turn in.' Fine. We go to Production, and Night Security meets us, and a long handover over nothing in particular takes place. I know it will be detailed, cos DC is sitting back in a chair, feet on the table, Very Relaxed.

I know I am over tired, and thus likely to get emotional.. Just as I think we might be heading off, a certain PA comes in, he of Production fame, and he and DC engage in more conversation. I have now been meaning to go to bed for over half an hour, and I have had it. 'I'm going to bed,' I say, and off I go, cold and very tired, and walk back to the caravan, pleased that I was Assertive, and Didn't Wait.

I get to the caravan, intent on bed and sleep. One problem...I don't have the key. My heart sinks. I make a phone call. 'Hello!' says a cheery voice, 'I have the key, don't I?' 'Yes,' I say wearily. 'I am walking back now.'

I know that means he hasn't left Production yet, and it is almost too much for me to wait in the cold and dark. I am too tired to live. I lean against the caravan, and decide to sink onto the step and wait. I slide down onto the step...and miss, collapsing in an undignified heap on the cold earth, half under the caravan. I hurt myself. Then I start crying, out of simple self pity.

When DC turns up with the key and tried to open the door, he can't find me. ''I'm here,' says a muffled sobbing voice, and he looks under the caravan to find me, and pull me up into safety. While I am crying, it is fair to say he is laughing..trying to be sympathetic, but finding the sobbing, 'I tried to sit on the step and missed,' a trifle amusing.....

Oh, my warm, cosy bed has never felt so good (well, not since the last festival......)

Oh, watch this, watch this.....

2007-10-02T00:08:00.000+01:00

Go on the h*bit*t website and look at this..I think they call them 'vodcasts' which is a bit odd...choose Every Product Tells a Story, and look at the vodcast released today (1st October...) I don't know who the amazingly good looking, talented, young guy is, but oh my, his mother must be proud of him....

More S*gar Hill pix...

2007-09-15T00:17:00.000+01:00

Every single punter voted it a success, said they would come back next year and bring all their friends. I know this as I was stood at the gate with a table of T shirts to sell to peeps as they left, and i spoke to very single person, all of whom were very drunk but happy...Dreadzone went down a storm..as did Neville Staples, and The Beat. I spent Day 2 being a compere, which goes ok until I am onstage in front of a large Big Top audience for the seventh time that day, having run from the Box Office, or the Other Stage..and I have that 'I have forgotten the name of the band I am introducing' moments. I keep talking in the hope that the name will come to me. It doesn't. They are black rap artists, and as I turn in panic, I see a tense large black guy behind me waiting for me to introduce them so he can start spinning the records on his turntable..he is getting impatient..'Introduce us!' he hisses, hand at the ready to spin..'What's your name?' I hiss back. 'What?' 'What's you name?' I hiss urgently. He look astounded. 'Jo. Just f*cking introduce us!' I don't believe this. Audience behind me getting restless. Rising panic. 'Nooooooooooooo! Not your name, the band's name!' I practically scream. 'M*d Professor'. I turn and shout the band's name, the audience cheers, he plays his record, the rappers come on, I run off. Bloody hell, I may be a crap compere, but I'm cheap.

Later on I am called again on the radio to introduce another act. I run down to the main stage and in the back of the venue, puffing slightly..Hi I say to two startled young men from Sheffield, waiting to go on stage. Hi, I'm your compere. They look at me, old enough to be their older sister...or mother..or...(stop right there...) and one says, No, you're alright, we'll introduce ourselves, thanks.' I leave and go to the medical tent to see Simon for a hug and a pill for the hurt caused by rejection.

And yet another festival....

2007-09-14T23:58:00.000+01:00

Yes, I got back home from Edinburgh on Wednesday evening, unpacked my bag, packed another bag and headed off on Thursday morning to a farm just outside Swindon, to S*gar Hill Festival, which as Festival Administrator this year, amongst other things, had been taking a great deal of time up. And causing oodles of stress, for reasons I won't go into. Last year, the first year, we had about 300 people at most, and made a huge loss....

This year we put more money in, spent more on bands, infrastructure and marketing, and hoped...slowly the ticket sales trickled in. I was running the on site box office, and on the Saturday, sold 10K worth of tickets. Excellent. I think we had over 1,000 people on site, and they lvoed it. The sun shone, the bands rocked and everyone was happy.

Except....for the four hours I spent assisting the police with a 'tired and emotional' lady alleging a nasty attack..I seem to come in useful at such times...then there were the horse drawn travellers who joined us...interesting situation, quite complex, ended up being David's and my problem, like the A team, they were all ours....Monday was a tense day, with the farmer wanting them gone, me and D making friends with them, sitting with them, swapping e-mail addresses (how the f*ck you have an e-mail address in a traditional horse drawn wagon I don't know, but there you go...)

We promised not to leave til they did. They wanted to stay..the farmer wanted them to go..we trusted them, relied on our new friendship, prayed they wouldn't let us down, prove us wrong...then, about 7pm, they hitched up their horses and left, coming to say goodbye to us and apologising for causing us stress..I nearly cried...they were seen as the enemy, and I can understand why..everyone breathed a sigh of relief to see them go without confrontation..D and I are invited to join them at their Autumn equinox meeting....I wonder if we should get a horse for the caravan????

So, some pix of the festival......

And so to Edinburgh...

2007-09-11T23:03:00.000+01:00

A few days after getting back from GB, I am on a plane to Edinburgh, with my Admin assistant, and we are off to the charity national convention. No sooner have we taken off and I have opened my sandwiches and stirred my tea, and we are our on our descent into Edinburgh. One hour and 5 minutes from Luton. Ridiculous.

It is a good convention. Never been to Edinburgh before, and I see some of it on an hour's bus tour, but it't not enough. We have done half a day's work before flying up. I discover that some of my colleagues took the whole day off and have been shopping and sight seeing. Wish I was not so conscientious.

The talks and seminars are good. At least, the bits I stayed awake for are. I slept through a lot, I have a great deal of sleep to catch up on. The best workshop is the one I did, of course, for 30 brave delegates who signed up for Managing Volunteers, the difficult bits, which involved looking at Assertiveness and How to Give Volunteers Bad News....I haven't run a workshop in ages, and dive in with great enthusiasm. I get them all into groups and we do some role play and share some discussions re managing volunteers, and what peop[le find difficult as managers. The evaluation sheets at the end of the workshop are good, and I get really good positive feedback from someone in the training department. I remember, I like training and running groups, and go on to my next lecture with a real buzz of energy...

That night sees the gala dinner, and when we arrive at the venue, pipers are there to greet us: after the meal there is both a 70s disco and a celidh...Mary Anne and I join in both, and have a laugh at the usual 400 women who attend the convention, the charity being 99.9% female staff, and the odd couple of men, who really can't dance...the celidh is particularly entertaining, when doing the Gay Gordons or some other Scottish dance, once we are all whirling on the dance floor, you can't tell who are supposed to be the men, it's all chaos..We hear for the lives, or at least the virtue of the waiters who get pounced on by some ladies and made to dance in the disco..some of them are very good..and very young... some other friends there disappear during the evening, and it turns out they left and went on a pub crawl with a load of Geordies..they say I would have had a good time. Yes, but they didn't invite me..I stuck with the girl power and the celidh...

After another day of speeches and the launch of our new, modern logo, it is time to get a taxi to the airport and fly home. I am still so tired, having not slept so well in my little single bed, and I am home in time to unpack my bag and repack it ready for an early start to Swindon next morning for Sugar Hill..another day, another festival.....

Don't step on them....

2007-09-09T23:27:00.000+01:00

Did I mention I was having a shoe party? I had put it off twice because the kitchen wasn't finished, and although last Tuesday this was still the case, I had sent out all the invitations, and decided to go ahead anyway.

Bless him (he does occasionally get something right..) DC happened to be in St Albans, ie not in the wilds of the North as he usually is on a Tuesday, so he offered to come round at 4pm and help me carry the contents of the two tables in the dining room end of the lounge, to somewhere else, so the tables would be clear to display gorgeous shoes and boots.

When I got home from work, he had already arrived and was already making me a cup of tea. He had also bought me some flowers by way of apologising for upsetting me the previous day, and to acknowledge my vulnerable state. My usually empty silent kitchen was full of workmen, as I had had another go at Mick that morning, but actually I was relying on them not being there so I could put all the stuff in there out the way, and also use one side for putting out nibbles and wine, hurriedly bought at M&S.

Not only were the workmen in, but all the appliances had been delivered and were filling the middle of the kitchen, when cupboards still needed painting.

This fact reduced me to tears of frustration (easily done last week) and so DC hugged me, sat me down and gave me the post he had picked up off the mat, and handed me a cup of tea. I burst into tears again, upon opening that police summons for speeding I mentioned...another hug...but I was distraught at the thought of losing my licence and my job...the last straw.

Still, we got on with the job of carrying all the items of a temporary kitchen into the other room, took a while, and then we found a space in the real kitchen for me to put out food and wine. I then dispatched DC back home, and had an hour to myself to play loud music, hoover, dust, tidy, get changed, put out nibbles, and generally be ready for the shoe lady and up to ten guests.

Do you know, it was a brilliant 'girly' evening. After the chaos of our living conditions, since last August, we had had no-one round really, so to see the lounge clean and tidy and welcoming, and have people round was lovely. We all tried on gorgeous boots and shoes..sadly, the high heeled, knee length red suede boots just would not zip up all the way, so I had to abandon them...plumping instead for the little blue ankle boots, which are comfy and brill with jeans....

Everyone chatted and nibbled and sipped wine, and neighbours I hadn't seen since Christmas caught up with gossip...we looked at Laa's wedding pics, and Laa played hostess for me so I could just chat..and try on sexy shoes...

When they had all gone, it took me about two hours to potter and clear up and put everything back, but I was quite happy...until the next day...

And when I got home.....

2007-09-09T17:48:00.000+01:00

This.... you've heard of chicken in a basket? Try kitchen in a skip. When they said we will rip out the kitchen, they meant it. Floor, ceiling, sink, appliances, everything.

So, home from GB with 10 days worth of washing...mmm... Clive, did you do any washing while I was away? No, he didn't need to, he didn't run out of anything.... Hmmm.

So, I got through 2 days at work, trying to keep awake, and spent the evenings making a temporary kitchen in the dining room, consisting of microwave, toaster and kettle, and going to Laa's or Jill's with my washing.... loads of it.

Oh well, it will only be complete chaos for a few weeks..and on Monday I go away again. Edinburgh calls....

A week in pictures.....

2007-09-06T07:02:00.000+01:00

So much to say, so little time.....so the pictures tell the stories....leaving the race course on Wednesday, later than we meant to (there's a surprise....) DC decided to try and escape by going under the tunnel by the Arkl bar..not sure the caravan would fit..there are 3 concrete lintels under the roof...got under the first comfortably...then he asked me to get out and see if we would clear the second..well, I did, and we were..with an inch or two to spare..slowly he moved forward..yes, fine, keep going..but then the ramp under the arch goes up hill, it's not flat, and as the landy went uphill, the caravan got higher....the air con unit on the top of the caravan actually touched the arch but just got under...yes, we made it..then there was this kind of popping, cracking noise: and it appeared that the lintel had actually pressed on the unit as the van moved under it, and compressed the roof...as the roof popped back up, the air con unit was suddenly much higher than the lintel, and would very obviously not clear the third lintel... as the roadway was up hill, less clearance etc etc...

So DC jumps out of the caravan and sees what I can see..caravan stuck between two lintels, no way of going forward, no way of going back... 'But there was clearance, it did get under...' I start to say, and I get 'the look.' Oh no, all my fault. I did say, let's not go this way, let's go out the C*ntaur gate, but he didn't listen.....

Suddenly, as if by magic, Site Crew appear from all over the place, laughing like drains, C*llen has got his caravan stuck, best entertainment of the festival..DC is not finding it funny, and it looks like I am in Big Trouble.. I try anad say again, it was going under, fine, I didn't realise that as it met the roof as you went up hill, it was compressing the roof.... suddenly a guy loading a van round the corner appears.. 'Yes, mate, I was watching, it did clear, it did go under, until half way, then it seemd like it was just touching..she's right...' I could have hugged him....

Site Crew blokies and DC start discussions about how to get caravan out..my ideas get drowned in the blokiness of it all, and 'Well, mate, what you need to do is..' and I am ignored and decide to keep out of it..I do keep saying we have to go backewards down hill, tho, not forwards uphill..finally DC hears and agrees....

Then, the cavalry arrives..in the form of the Fire Crew, who have Heard the News (doesn't it travel qickly..) I should add that I am already stood there, taking pictures on my phone, asking DC to pose, and he knows instantly this is being captured for my blog, and he growls at me, 'This is no time to be taking pictures..' Oh but it is the perfect time......

There are hundreds of blokies, Site Crew, Fire Crew and assorted hangers on, all laughing and there is Norman F*re striding into action, taking Gold Command, and DC is the centre of attention of it all, and suddenly he is loving it, and it's not so bad after all, and I even get a smile...

Various people stand on a ladder to view the roof, and chins are scratched, more photos taken, and a plan is hatched.

'Right lads' says Gold Command, 'unhitch the caravan, let the tyres down, and get as many people inside as possible, get the suspension down, the rest of us push it out. Everyone in the back of the caravan...'

I see what I have to do. 'Come on boys, into the bedroom, ' I cry, (was I really saying that???) and I lead the Fire Crew and half the site crew into the bed room of the caravan..we get about seven of us on the bed, then there is standing room only...much giggling, and we even bounce a bit on the bed to help...... as we move there is a shoud from outside..'Everyone up the other end..' so we all clamber off the bed and cram into the far end, and the caravan glides out of it's archway prison into the daylight.

Job done, and Norman helps everyone out, counting as we go, and there are about 12 of us counted out the van, me last to appear, straightening my hair, and saying, 'Oooh, I earned 50 quid while I was in there...' (As KR texted later, that sounded a bit cheap...unless it was each...) The job of re-inflating the caravan tyres took about half an hour, so I took the opportunity of going t0o make a cup of tea, and phoning home to tell this week's excuse as to why I might be a little late home......

This isn't funny, stop taking bl**dy pictures...

OK, Site Crew can sort this..no problem...

Mmmm. let Fire Crew take a look....

I can't believe this is happening to me....

Right lads, this is what we need to do....

Yes, job done, and it's lollipops all round....

And there's more....

2007-09-02T22:45:00.000+01:00

..like Liz says, it's hard to capture GB in a few posts.....so much of it was good...I lvoe build week before the public come on site and it's just 'ours'...I lvoed having friends to eat in the caravan on Monday night, seven in all I think, plus DC and me, we cooked (I think I cooked, DC just got in the way) I rememer one friend watching us cooking and the banter and laughing and saying we should be on tele doing a cooking programme....our meal had an Italian theme, garlic bread, pasta and everything.....

Then the big team meal on the Tuesday, 23 of us in the Turkish, eating fit to bust....Wednesday it was the Rising Sun, ate inside tho, couldn't face the 'unbearable cold'....

Then Thursday, with all the busyness, we thought it best to get a Chinese takeaway and eat it in the Production office..it took over an hour to order and have cooked, we were buying for 9 people, honest, I think DC overordered a little, we must have fed 30 people and there was still some left......

Then the festival itself..or what I saw of it...meant to see Billy Bragg, missed him....meant to see Iaian Archer, nearly missed him.... meant to see Cathy Burton, missed her, missed my lunch often too..until I told my buddy (or one of them) I hadn't eaten all day, then he noticed....must find a buddy like Liz's who makes sure she eats and sees things....

But we did see them...lovely people, in the Ops meeting..the meercat (anyone take any pics of me and the meer cat? No? oh, ok.) and Iain...and Martin....wonderful, wonderful moments...real, talented singers, who don't need big stages, or lights, or makeup, or a backing track...they can just stand there, close up, in day light and sing......and improvise....heaven in the ordinary indeed....

And there it was ...gone...

2007-09-02T09:57:00.000+01:00

..And I am home again, jiggity jig, it seemed a long time there. but once I'm home, it's nothing, a blink of an eye, over for another year. It's hard, coming home. Re-engaging. I so didn't want to. GB is my space, 10 days of being away, being free, being me..and mostly loving it, mostly being fine...but then there are the hard times, the difficult bits, and the tears at the end because I am simply over tired...as DC said, now he knows the true meaning of being 'tired and emotional'. And it has nothing to do with alcohol!!!!

I lvoe the people, I lvoe the place, I lvoe the scenery, the sunshine, the energy, the passion, the commitment, the interaction, the hugs, the work, helping people, being part of something...I lvoed making things work, being part of a team, being hugged, having people tell me how well I looked, that I had lost weight, that I looked good...I enjoyed feeling better, clocking that one festival I was over emotional because my parents were so ill and I was so worried about them I was in pieces....then there was the festival a couple of months after they had both died, and I was in emotional free fall....then there was the year of clearing and emptying their house, and the next festival I was still fragile, and trying to put the pieces of me back together....then this year.....

I was dreading it if the truth be known. Would I still be like that? Would the pressure of GB, the expectations and work and relationships, would it get to me? How would it be without George? Would I have to decide for the good of others that I really couldn't handle it anymore? But it was ok, better than I expected. I smiled a lot. I enjoyed it. Enjoyed working, enjoyed socialising, enjoyed being. And I coped. Sleeping in a decent bed with a hot shower in the morning helped, I grant you.... I hope I did ok. I enjoyed it.

Downside? I didn't see enough of the festival. Again. Not sure how it happens. The only real downside. Didn't spend time with people I wanted to spend time with....where does the time go? Lost my treasured GB hoody sweat at the Tiny Tea Tent and it wasn't handed in. (Stick, can I borrow yours?) And lastly, to my regret, I hate myself, i did so well until the last night, then I got cross and upset and over tired and the tears wouldn't stop, when it was time to party, I wanted to be having a good time..a bit of me knew that I should just go to bed, but like a small child, I wanted to stay up and join in the party....sorry to those who witnessed the lack of self control....I am so cross with myself...but then, the rest of the time, I did ok...didn't I???

In which the friends have an adventure...

2007-08-23T23:20:00.001+01:00

...working on Front Desk and helping to give out the radios.....

In which.....

2007-08-18T21:39:00.000+01:00

cow and pig become friends....and plan their escape to a racevourse in Cheltenham....mooo...oink...and wonder where their friend duck went...did that man with the beard kidnap him and take him home???

Nearly time....

2007-08-17T19:58:00.000+01:00

for the interrupting cow to go up in to the loft and get out the Front Desk boxes....work has been progressing steadily on the radio sign in/sign out sheets: Parcel Collection/Delivery sheets: key signing sheets: on site contacts list: tears over excel files that will not so what they should do....

Working on three festivals as well as doing my full time day job...wrote a funding bid last week...heard today I have got the £7,000 I asked for! Not lost my touch! Money to recruit a new part time member of staff and more volunteers... met some interesting people this week...heard their stories... humbling..there but for the grace of God, go I....children unloved, unhappy childhoods, homelessness, drugs, drink, prison,...then a baby..and a reason to change? A reason to hope? To rewrite the book? Move forward...with a little help, maybe....

Bought this moo-ing cow key ring today to bring to GB..seemed like a good idea at the time! Also have an oinking piggie and a quacking duck..well, they make me smile....

Need to smile, had a few tears this week, had a bad time....got very low, and hurt and angry, and didn't cope..thank God for friends like my friend Jacky who reponds instantly to a tearful phone call and comes to find me walking the dog, and sits and listens..again....and offers hugs.

And Rosemarie. For the swimming. And the lvoe. And the friendship.

And I think I am so grown up. Who am I kidding? Still so vulnerable.....

Still, nearly time...to spend time with more good friends....moo.....