Tuesday, October 30, 2007
When we were all ready, and after S had been allowed 5 minutes in the bathroom, perfectly adequate for the average male in terms of getting ready, we all admired each other's outfits/shoes/hair/makeup etc etc and we headed off to the party.
Well, it was great...a simply brill venue, more food than we could eat, even at two or three platefuls each - there were about 100 of us trying to get through a spread for 300, or that's how it felt. K, although it was her 40th, had spent two days cooking and shopping and providing the most fantastic spread for her friends and family..she is amazing.
The disco was good, the dj cool and not irritating, as they can be, and he played all S & K''s favourite music. I danced, some friends danced, tho mostly girlies, as most blokies I know just don't dance, which is a real shame. But I lvoe dancing and had a good time,a s well as chatting with friends and finding that 1am came round amazingly quickly, and it was time to walk, yes, walk home. Mmmm...my new shoes were beginning to hurt, but luckily I had S to keep me company and to chat to, so I made it back.
Quite a few party goers came back to the house, where drink continued to flow (I stuck to orange juice and then coffee, you'll be pleased to know) and the kareoke dvds appeared, and so much singing and laughter ensued..I had a go at a couple..one was Queen's Don't Stop me Now, the other..well it was a girly one, don't remember exactly....
I got into conversation in the kitchen with a very drunk young man, who undid his shirt and tried to persuade me he had a third nipple..I couldn't see it, but he did have a great deal of dark chest hair, which I rummaged my hands through..he was so drunk he didn't seem to mind, and I quit enjoyed it. We were getting on very well when his girlfriend appeared to claim him..oh well, that's life. I owned up to looking for the third nipple in his chest hair, and she looked at her boyfriend with amused resignation and said, come on, let's get you home....so I was safe.
I had a couple of little rests on the sofa as the night went on, and rested my eyes, much t the amusement of L and S, yes I was in the company of reach Out and Touch the Screen, and Horse Wrestlers..those Evil Twins whose Reputation Goes Before Them. I only had a couple of quick naps, but stayed the course until 5am, when taxis were called to take us away.
I went upstairs to get my coat and bags, and as I did so, I checked my hone for messages, as you do. The screen saver which sprung into life was not my normal one. Instead there was a photo of me asleep on the sofa. Grrrr.how does she do it? I went downstairs and called her rude names. She denied all knowledge.
Later, back at her house, I asked to borrow some contact lens solution, as I appeared to have lost mine. Oh, she says, it's in your handbag. Slight pause. Oh, I know that because S told me. Yeah, right.
And you are not going to see the photo on this blog. It is not a pretty sight. Looks a bit like my mother on a bad day snoozing in her chair at her residential home. Clearly I feel very much younger than I look. Don't we all!
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Friday, October 26, 2007
Came home from work early and went to bed, just lay listening to music and trying to relax ... Laura came round after work and found me not in a good state.. she was lovely and caring and understanding, but I don't want her to see her mum this bad... anyway, we talked and shared loads and got a Chinese takeaway and had a good evening..I am so very lucky that she lives close by and we can catch up like this. We are promising ourselves a major shopping trip very soon...
The kitchen is causing me great stress, problems with plumber and project manager, how is it they talk to me as if I was stupid?? I am not... I was promised it would be finished and it isn't. Came home yesterday expecting to find worktops fitted and they are not. Cupboard doors hung but some the wrong way round...I took Laa into the kitchen to show her and unfortunately the stress of it means I just can't cope with it, and I just cry..she says it really is going to be ok and will look good..but agrees there are some issues. I need to ring the builder in the morning, but I can't face the stress..
Still, I will go into work for a bit, then come home and pack, and hop on a train heading north. Just for 24 hours I will be away from it all, and with good friends. Heaven.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
I laughed like a drain at the first short film, priceless, and settled down with my coffee and large packet of m&ms to watch the main feature. Not only did I stay awake throughout, I realised just how much I had missed last week! Man, I must have slept through half of it! So I was glad I went again...
We went our for a drink after, and I bent Rosemarie's ear for over an hour re life, work, kitchens, relationships, HRT, and bless her she listened - again....
Thank God for friends, who help me cope far better than any pills.
Anyway, as I sat in a traffic jam today I fell asleep at the wheel...made me decide that driving to Manchester and back at the weekend probably isn't safe! I seem to fall asleep anywhere except in bed, which is extremely annoying....but I have booked my train tickets now, so I can travel in comfort, complete with i-pod and a good book..though I will probably close my eyes for a bit...
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
I'll be ok if I can just get some sleep...if my kitchen could get finished and my house back in some kind of order.
I go to work and come home. Clive is around, he gets the shopping now, and puts something in the microwave for two minutes, and hey presto, we have dinner. I have forgotten how to cook. Shopping used to be what I did. I sit on the sofa and can't remember what to do. What did I used to do with my time? Tonight I put on a dvd to pass the time, and, yes you guessed it, I went to sleep....
Not sure where I go from here. Except to Manchester on Friday, of course...hope I keep awake driving!
Monday, October 22, 2007
Sunday, October 21, 2007
C has stopped going to church recently, but this morning he has gone, so I am alone...it seems odd doesn't it, that I say in one blog I am lonely, and yet I crave time alone..some personal space..I am sure you can work out the difference between alone and lonely..I remember our English teacher Miss Smith getting us to put the words into sentences so we learned the difference. Good job I paid attention at school What do you remember learning? I remember learning about the discovery of Tutankhamen's tomb in history (well, it wouldn't be maths would it!)...
Anyway, Merlin has cheered me up..I have been on msn to George and she has cheered me up, I am getting excited about going to a party on Friday, seeing friends, if I am lucky dancing, either on my own or with some hunky men (note you men, I like to dance....) The sun is shining. The kitchen may yet turn out ok. I do not need to consider ending it all. There is too much to lvie for, even of the fine detail of my life sometimes overwhelms me. It's either walk away or deal with it.
I think I will ring my aunt, my mum's sister. Not spoken for a while. She will be pleased to hear from me. this afternoon am going to Jacky's for a cup of tea and doggie walk. There is a folk gig on in Hitchin tonight I want to go to, people I know who would like to come with me can't, so shall i ask C? He might. if not, I will go on my own.
Be thankful for what you have in life, not what you don't have. I have a very dirty and untidy house. I will be grateful, and soon, when the work is finished, tidy it up.
Have a good Sunday. Bye! x
So needed someone to talk to, I have written the longest e-mail on the planet to a close friend while tears poured down my face and I poured out my feelings into a laptop. That will make fun reading in the morning. Maybe I should have pressed delete, not send.
Anyway, look at this....symptoms of the menopause....
Hot flashes, flushes, night sweats and/or cold flashes, clammy feeling (see note)
Irregular heart beat
Mood swings, sudden tears
Trouble sleeping through the night (with or without night sweats)
Irregular periods; shorter, lighter periods; heavier periods, flooding; phantom periods, shorter cycles, longer cycles
Loss of libido (see note)
Dry vagina (see note)
Anxiety, feeling ill at ease
Feelings of dread, apprehension, doom (see note)
Difficulty concentrating, disorientation, mental confusion
Disturbing memory lapses
Incontinence, especially upon sneezing, laughing; urge incontinence (see note)
Itchy, crawly skin (see note)
Aching, sore joints, muscles and tendons (see note)
Increased tension in muscles
Headache change: increase or decrease
Gastrointestinal distress, indigestion, flatulence, gas pain, nausea
Sudden bouts of bloat
Depression (see note)
Exacerbation of existing conditions
Increase in allergies
Weight gain (see note)
Hair loss or thinning, head, pubic, or whole body; increase in facial hair
Dizziness, light-headedness, episodes of loss of balance
Changes in body odor
Electric shock sensation under the skin and in the head (see note)
Tingling in the extremities (see note)
Gum problems, increased bleeding
Burning tongue, burning roof of mouth, bad taste in mouth, change in breath odor
Osteoporosis (after several years)
Changes in fingernails: softer, crack or break easier
Tinnitus: ringing in ears, bells, 'whooshing,' buzzing etc. (see note)
I don't have all these symptoms, but I sure have some of them pretty badly! So having just had a really, really, bad day, and made someone else miserable with my upset, depression and tears, and nearly ruined an already damaged relationship, just because I am so impossible to cope with, it makes me feel worse, how can I put things right when I am so messed up? When will I be a normal person again?
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Sleep. or lack of it. Night after night after night..of wakefulness. Of thinking. Of tormenting myself about what could be. Loneliness. Hormones. Headaches. Worrying. Getting more and more tired....
Work. Funding bids. Committee meetings. Conflict. Tears. Families. People. Their stories. Their needs. Someone dying. Leaving a wife and children. A single mum with three children including a disabled child. A new mum with a small baby, coming to terms with a diagnosis of MS. All trusting me with their stories. And their tears.
How come I can help people sort their lives out, but I can't do mine?
Business meetings. A good year. Targets met. But at what cost?
Tonight, a Saturday night of tears. Thinking. Tiredness. A night of not wanting to be. A night of wanting to be needed. Held. Loved.
I know. Pull yourself together. Too much thinking. Too much feeling sorry for myself. Get a life, get over it. Get some sleep....it will all seem better in the morning....
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Pictures of Sophie dog getting used to her new bed, the old one having been disposed of as hazardous to health....she seems to like it and curls up in the furry warmth, which must be good for her arthritis...
She is doing really well, her coat is sleek and shiny again, not falling out, and despite oddly shaped front legs which bend like those on regency cabinets, she is bouncy and keen to go walkies. She is now eating food for 'senior dogs with kidney failure'..looks a bit dry and tasteless, but she eats it up and appears to be benefiting...so maybe she will make Christmas and celebrate being 15 after all!!
I only wish, as someone kind enough to share my room with her, that she didn't spend much of the night retching or making horrid similar noises, it doesn't help my sleeplessness..I was up at 6.30am to let her out this morning..triffic.....
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Saturday, October 13, 2007
Saturday, October 06, 2007
You remember the adventure with the caravan when attempting to leave GB? Well, PA said at the time, 'Something happens to this van at every festival..what next time?' Well, it's true, wrapped round a lamp post at Cambridge, flat tyre on route to Cropredy, stuck under grandstand at GB..what on earth could happen at the next festival?
Nothing, we said. Absolutely nothing...the fact that it was almost lost in an unseasonal flood in June, doesn't mean this van is jinxed...really.
So, there we were, attempting to leave S&gar Hill at a respectable time and get home to eat dinner with our respective families. Then we had the Traveller crisis (see earlier blogs) and we promised the farmer to take full responsibility for them leaving, and we promised not to leave unless they did.
Hmm. Time went on, we packed, they packed, we hung about a bit, and so did they, in an unhurried nice summer evening kind of way, until 7pm when they departed. Hugs and waving and photos, and they were on their way, and so we prepared to depart. I decided to ring home and say something like, you know how we left later than planned from GB cos we got stuck? Well, this time it was because of the gypsies, dear....C no longer seems surprised by what I have to say, but surprised me by saying he wasn't expecting me til tomorrow anyway, and no worries, he would go to bed and not wait up. Ok, no problem, I could relax.
We decided to go up to the farm house and say goodbye before hitching the caravan, and we took a bottle of wine for good measure to celebrate the end of a good festival. As we walked into the warm and welcoming farm house kitchen, dogs chasing about and playing and good food cooking, Farmer's wife gives us both hugs and thanks us for our hard work and insists we stay and eat with them. I open my mouth to say, oh, lvoely, (it's gone 7.30pm at this point and I am starving and it looks like a good lasagne) as DC says, no, sorry, we must get going. He saw my face, and went and made that phone call home..I said no, sorry of course we must go, we will go now, and he said, no, I have rung home now and said we are going to eat first, but we mustn't stay long.... (you can see where this is going...!)
Farmer and wife and so delighted with success of festival and the fact that the travellers have gone, and they are not stuck with a horrible eviction problem, and want champagne, so DC gets some from the caravan. We sit in the lounge, I haev little puppies jumping on me and playing, I have a glass of champagne, I am warm and dry and relaxed and about to eat and Very Happy.
We sit round the big farm house table and eat lasagne, followed by fruit pie and cream, and even coffee, and we talk...and suddenly, oh is it really that time? Almost 11pm? Oh dear....we are well fed, full of champagne and warm..and I am a trifle sleepy....Farmer's wife even offers us to stay the night...
However we take our leave and head back to the pitch black field and tray and find the caravan. Farmer has asked us to do him a little job on the way, which holds us up, but we find the caravan with the help of our headlights, and we stop in the darkness and look up at the wonderful starry sky which is beautiful in the black dark. For a moment it crosses both our minds that all we want to do at this point is sleep...should we stay? But I have work in the morning, and DC confesses he has to leave for North Yorks at 6.30am, so we are brave and sensible and get eh caravan ready to depart, winding up the little legs, etc. DC backs the landy up to hitch up but is an inch short. Hitching is not happening, so i offer to back up the landy an inch. I am holding the torch and shivering in the cold cold dark. I see the farm house lights go out and we are alone.
DC attempts to hitch by undoing the jockey wheel and hopes the caravan will lurch forward and pop on. All that happens is that the jockey wheel comes off completely, the caravan lurches forward and lands on its nose, on the ground, missing the tow hitch. B*ll*cks, he says. We cannot lift the caravan up on our own. DC tries, but it is obvious that he is now tired and cold and not thinking clearly. I however, am ok, in a good mood, being sensible and thinking clearly. Is this possible, can we lift the caravan, if not, we don't even try and go to bed and get Farm help in the morning. No, DC wants to do it. Right, let's wind the front legs up, I say, to take some of the weight and see what we can do. I start doing that, and DC looks at me and thanks me for keeping calm and doing the thinking , and keeping him from 'losing it'.
I say it's my pleasure, and between us in the pitch dark and cold by about a quarter to midnight we get the caravan hitched. What a team. We prepare to leave, but as DC gets more tired he gets slower and more pedantic. He insists on doing the usual light check, he gets in the landy and I stand at the back of the caravan and he says do the indicators work and i say yes they do, no they don't, that old joke. This time he says do the brake lights work, and I say no they don't, and he says don't mess about, and I say, no they really don't. We discover the brake and reversing lights won't work on the caravan or landy. I say oh bugger, can we not go anyway, and DC says no, it's dangerous. I say, do you think God is telling us to stay and sleep and not drive? No...So out comes the manual, we find where the fuses are under the dashboard and which fuse does which set of lights, and I hold the torch and he puts in the spare fuses, and after about half an hour we are ready to go again....
I get in the landy after checking the lights and DC has vanished. I get out and he has taken the number plate off the back of the caravan and says he is not sure it is on securely enough and so we are now looking for blue tak and sticky tape to pout it back on. I hold the torch and help and have got to the helpless light header giggly stage that this will go on all night, and still I feel strangely calm....
We are only in Swindon, an hour and half away from home, so now it's gone 12,30am we will be safely home by 2.15am....
Once we set off, and the landy gets warm, I am out like a light, fast asleep, I knew I would. Every now and then I wake up with the landy lurching or swerving slightly, as DC struggles to keep awake. I try to stay awake too, talk to him, put music on, open the window, but it is like I am drugged and I cannot stay awake. We make good progress down the motorway but DC is really falling asleep, so by Reading we give up and stop for strong coffee. We get coffee to take away, and I say, come on, we are only 45 mins away now, you can do it. (The issue is, dear reader, I should have explained before, that I cannot share the driving because of the caravans, and therefore it is totally his call to stay or go in the first place) Suddenly DC says, it's no good, I have to sleep, let's get in the caravan for a while. It is now gone 1.30am, we sit in the back of the caravan on the bench seats and drink our coffee. The coffee is hot, the van is freezing after the warmth of the car.
I am going to get a couple of hours sleep, says DC, lying down on his bench seat and immediately snoring like you have never heard. I sit there. Of course I am now wide awake, cold and wondering how my life turns out that I am in Reading services in a caravan at almost 2 o'clock in the morning, and we didn't intend this to happen.
After while I realise I had better try and sleep, so I lie down on my bench seat, pull my fleece closer, shivering, and try and ignore the dire snoring 2 feet away. I lie there..I lie there, and just as I am dozing off, I am frightened by DC suddenly sitting up and shouting, B*ll*cks! My nerves are so shot to pieces at this point I panic, saying, now what's happened? He says, can you hear that? No, what? That, I don't believe it. What? I listen..there it is. A bird singing. A bird singing quite loudly (I couldn't hear it for the snoring...) DC is now annoyed, The bright lights in the service station have lulled the birdies into thinking it is morning, and they have started the dawn chorus at 2am. Never mind, I say, try and sleep. No, he says, F8ckit, I am wide awake now, I am driving home. Oh, ok then....
We climb back into the landy, he drives, and I immediately fall asleep again in the warm. It is a very slow, careful progress we make good job the roads are empty, and we crawl into St Albans at gone 3am. I make DC promise on his life not to go to NY at 6.30am, and I at last get into my house and go upstairs to bed, not worrying about waking C as he sleeps like a log and never hears me come in. However, my bedroom light is on. He is lying there, looking at me. What time do you call this, kind of comment....I say he told me he was not waiting up, so I didn't call, but I did point out if he was worried he could have called my mobile....
So as I got ready for bed, I told him the story, telling him how we stayed to eat when we hadn't planned to, then about the caravan not hitching, and half way through my interesting, detailed account, he suddenly got up and said, well yes, I'm tired, I need to sleep, I'll see you in the morning and decamped to his own room.
Oh. I thought it was a funny story. I'll save it and tell it to someone else...in fact, it is my blogger's duty... sorry it took so long...
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
So it's late, very late, but I am my old self, up for a bit of social intercourse (steady....) so we get to M and A's caravan, warm and toasty, and others are there, and the kettle has boiled, but they only have earl grey. Yuck. DC goes to our caravan and gets some tea bags.
He returns with the tea, and a bottle of whiskey or two..now how did that happen? Mr VL seems happy with this development, and soon tea is poured and whiskey is poured. I am happily sat with my mug of tea, and Mr VL gives me DC's glass of whiskey to pass to him.
Well, I don't know how it happened, but there was this slight pause as I was about to pass the whiskey.....and at the same time as DC started to reach forward and go 'Noooooooooooooooooooo....' somehow I had knocked it back and it was all gone. Down my throat. In one go.
My, that was a f*cking big whiskey. For a start the taste was disgusting and made me fold up and kind of shiver and go 'Urrrrch'. Then my face got hot, then my ears got hot, and steam started coming out of them. ''What the....' said Mr M and Mrs A, cos they had not seen the like before.
David explained about the occasional urge which comes over me, a confirmed TT, to down a glass of whiskey..generally exceedingly good stuff, and generally his.
They timed me. Took about 11 minutes. First the smiling...non stop wide smiling....then the giggling....then the not being able to speak properly, followed by total collapse and giggling and general wobbliness..then I was asleep. Sound. I had to be woken up and led back to our caravan.
As I settled into bed, warm and cosy under my duvet and still smiling, DC appeared with glass of water and two nurofen, and made me drink it and take them. Then he tucked me in and wished me goodnight. And I swear, as he looked at me, he was laughing again.....
I promise..I won't do it again...until the next time...
So..back to the S*gar Hill Festival..Saturday night, DC are on walkabout, there is not much happening to be honest, it is 1am, official close down is 2am, but I am so tired, and not feeling too well, that I state my intention to go to bed, and not walk about until 2am for no reason. I just can't. 'That's ok,' says DC, 'I'll hand over to Nights, and we'll both turn in.' Fine. We go to Production, and Night Security meets us, and a long handover over nothing in particular takes place. I know it will be detailed, cos DC is sitting back in a chair, feet on the table, Very Relaxed.
I know I am over tired, and thus likely to get emotional.. Just as I think we might be heading off, a certain PA comes in, he of Production fame, and he and DC engage in more conversation. I have now been meaning to go to bed for over half an hour, and I have had it. 'I'm going to bed,' I say, and off I go, cold and very tired, and walk back to the caravan, pleased that I was Assertive, and Didn't Wait.
I get to the caravan, intent on bed and sleep. One problem...I don't have the key. My heart sinks. I make a phone call. 'Hello!' says a cheery voice, 'I have the key, don't I?' 'Yes,' I say wearily. 'I am walking back now.'
I know that means he hasn't left Production yet, and it is almost too much for me to wait in the cold and dark. I am too tired to live. I lean against the caravan, and decide to sink onto the step and wait. I slide down onto the step...and miss, collapsing in an undignified heap on the cold earth, half under the caravan. I hurt myself. Then I start crying, out of simple self pity.
When DC turns up with the key and tried to open the door, he can't find me. ''I'm here,' says a muffled sobbing voice, and he looks under the caravan to find me, and pull me up into safety. While I am crying, it is fair to say he is laughing..trying to be sympathetic, but finding the sobbing, 'I tried to sit on the step and missed,' a trifle amusing.....
Oh, my warm, cosy bed has never felt so good (well, not since the last festival......)